Seksing Masahista - "Crazy Idiots", Jingling Boobs and the Malaysian Connection

Back in the days, before naked men became fashionable, there were nubile nymphets with mammaries bigger than their heads; and they were a dime a dozen. The story would be familiar: a country girl tries her luck in the big city and ends up in the salacious hands of pimps, enterprising gigolos or sex starved men.

The list is long, but to mention a few: Jennifer Lee for “Co-ed Scandal”, Nika Madrid for “Unang Tikim” and “Hamog sa Bukang Liwayway”, Kuhdet Honasan for “Maharot”, Tracy Torres and Clarissa Mercado for “Mapanukso”, Kat de Santos for “Agos” and “Lipstick”, Nadine Schmidt for “Room Service”, Aleck Bovick for “Tampisaw”, Criselda Volks for “Takaw-Tingin”, Monica Midler for “Saplot”, Pyar Mirasol for “Katawan Mo, Langit Ko”. Every forgettable names and faces made to perform repeated 10-minute shower scenes. I thought those days had passed, but there is a bothersome resurgence of such exploitation girlie flicks.

Such is John Ad. Castillo and Malaysian director Z Lokman’s “Seksing Masahista” originally titled “Crazy Idiots” which would have been a more appropriate title given the masterful artistry in this earth-shattering masterpiece.

It follows Mona (Mocha Uson) who’s desperate for a job. Like her out of luck husband Tony (Zyrus Imperial), the young wife presents herself as a masseuse in a massage clinic somewhere in Timog (she claims that as a child, she used to assist her midwife mother-cum-manghihilot back in Samar). Her equally fit hubby Tony gets accepted as janitor in the same “clinic” being run by an unscrupulous couple Boss Estrella and wife Lydia (Rommel Padilla and Ramona Revilla, respectively). 

As a side story, Estrella is knee deep in negotiations to buy a beach resort (worth P6.2 million) in a partnership with seedy Malaysian businessman Mr. Ashman (director Z Lokman) with the intervention of another cringe-worthy soul named Mr. Patrick (Telly Babasa). The story gets even more confounding when Boss Estrella makes it his business to play with his unwilling employees, to the consternation of his wife (she admits, “Ilang araw na nya akong di ginagalaw sa kama.”)

One salubrious day, Boss Estrella finds Mona drunk. She conveniently drops to the floor, giving Estrella undue advantage to the inebriated Mona. Now this is for the books: from some vantage point outside the same clinic, a fuming Tony “miraculously” witnesses the dastardly deed – so he runs to rescue Mona only to find out that the sword has been fittingly "inserted". What’s a husband to do?

Mocha and Zyrus face a dilemma (left), while director Z Lokman hams it up as an actor with Rommel Padilla: "Don't raise your voice to me, Mr. Estrella." My heels shook with fear.

When flaunting your wares is the right thing to do. ;-> Zyrus Imperial, aka. Bernie Villaflor decides to be less modest.

Ramona Revilla and Zyrus Imperial

The narrative gets even more confusing because from here on, every character plots for their vengeance. Wife Lydia decides to lure a resistant Tony to plug his rod in her (and it is a tad silly watching a seemingly unyielding muscular guy pumping away as though the “willful devil made him do it”). When Tony finally gets Mona home, he blames and forces himself on her, but not before asking her, “Nasaan ang panty mo?” 

Meanwhile, Mona is also seeking redress by demanding money from Boss Estrella (he hands her P50,000, and quips, “Yan lang ang pera ko”). Without even reaching the first trimester, it seems that Mona miraculously carries a child? When Tony winds up of the possibility, he offers the “baby” to Boss Estrella in exchange for a litigation-free settlement and more money (P250,000). How will the latter finance a beach resort and a baby? Will Mona and Tony ever live a harmonious existence?

The stream of events is random, haphazard and wildly unfocused, infusing a hundred and one side stories that don’t quite mash up seamlessly; you end up scratching your head. Boss Estrella, Tony finds from out of the blue, is infertile and is incapable of siring a child. So the “pregnant” Mona is actually carrying their matrimonial child after all.

MOCHA AND THE ART OF NOT DROWNING

Mocha Uson, undeniably statuesque and sophisticated, seems completely misplaced in this movie, but in what seems like those aforementioned 10 minute shower scenes, Zyrus Imperial gets wet and steamy with the bosomy beauty – mashing away her pigmented areola and sucking into her larynx like there’s no tomorrow. But it was fascinating seeing overgrown mammaries jingling in wild abandon, while perky nipples point to coordinate-specific directions. It was like watching Jello with a brownish outcropping being transported on a rocky road! 

I tried to re-enact this by jumping on my trampoline, but the effect isn't the same. The thrust of force must come from below, instead of directly defying gravity. Now I'm starting to discern why men love jiggly boobs so much. I swear if she falls into the ocean, those twins would float and save her from drowning! I was tickled fuchsia. There were no pink bonuses here unless you consider Imperial in skimpy briefs as adequate pink fodder.

ACTING IT OUT

When Zyrus Imperial (Bernie Villaflor in real life) spews his line: “Niyurakan nya ang dangal at puri ng aking asawa!” I almost fell off my seat! Not only was he hard up with his delivery, the next scenes also showed him blaming his wife though he was himself the material witness! I’d have been more appreciative of a little consistency. Didn’t Imperial head AMA’s theater group (Teatro AMA) in Pasay? 

The over-the-top histrionics of Rommel Padilla reminds me of the one-note performances of iconic baddies like Max Alvarado, Rodolfo Boy Garcia and Paquito Diaz, but theirs was an era where such thespic tack was requisite. This is the new millennium where such performance is deemed hammy.

Zyrus Imperial as Tony (above and below).

Touted as a Malaysian-Philippine co-production, this film is really a testament that you can’t exactly buy talent nor cinematic excellence. The outpouring of finances is hardly evident here. Production design is virtually non-existent; script is nothing but underdeveloped caricatures. Mocha Uson takes her part as though this was going to take her to the Oscars. After all, didn’t they drum up interest by saying they were going to show this flick in Latin America (God forbid!). 

To make a thematic statement for this, they employed canned music like Sergio Mendes’ “Mas Que Nada”, the second time this song was used in a film this week. (You can hear a better, more appropriate version in the animated blockbuster “Rio”.) Aren’t they aware they may be impinging on some copyright claims?

If such aesthetic is Malaysia’s contribution to Philippine cinema, we already have a surfeit of bad cinema to speak of. We don’t need anymore assault such as this. And director Z Lokman subbing as an actor is a blood-curdling exercise of conceit. Ugly conceit, if I may add. Please spare us from further agony! Go spend your Malaysian ringgit elsewhere.

Hinala - Hunches and Artistic Bankruptcy

You would think that after a good number of films released, Crisaldo Pablo would eventually come up with a decent ouvre, right? "Hinala" (Hunch) is a testament to disprove that. In fact, you come out of the cinema with a sense of loss. One is made acutely aware that the only thing great about this work is its theatrical poster: moody and provocative. But the film is anything but.

Once again, Pablo tackles his his oft-repeated theme of homosexual promiscuity as though gay men are incapable of fidelity, of being circumspect. If indeed Pablo is a champion of the Pink movement, why does he paint the third sex in livid lechery and predatory exuberance? But let's leave this rhetoric for now.

Arjay Carreon too much publicity exposure for such a menial part.

In "Hinala", doe-eyed Joeffrey Javier plays Cris who's in a 5 year relationship with Michael (Justin de Leon). Despite appearances and Michael's incessant appeasement, all is not well in the domestic front. Cris gets flustering clues that point to a profligate lover. These seeds flourish into several day dreams that keep repeating into lurid hunches, "mga hinala" if you will. Like a common friend who slips into saying that he expected Michael to leave Cris; or Michael disappearing from the face of the Earth when he was supposed to take a leave from work to celebrate their anniversary together.

These day dreams, murkily filmed like elementary vignettes of incohesive narrative strains, work their way a la "Ground Hog Day", a vicious cycle of different situations of promiscuity showing men in various stages of undress, and all leading to the fact that Cris is really given the run around by Michael.

Justin de Leon and Clyde Cruz as the cheating lovers.

We think of Joeffrey Javier as a pleasant find, with his next door good looks and very Pinoy package, but this interest isn't sustained by Javier's grave dryness of delivery. He speaks in dead monotone, in a voice reminiscent of a mistuned base - broken, hollow, lifeless. Justin de Leon is comfortable as the deceitful cad who's fickle enough to stay in a joyless relationship with clingy Cris. Clyde Cruz, in his first full length feature after his brave and "showy" stint in "Bikini Boys" plays the English-speaking lover who figures in several "bedroom wrestles" with de Leon and Javier (in one scene, he smothers Javier with a pillow during a three-way). Clyde enjoys a lengthier part than Arjay Carreon whose character comes out of nowhere to allay Cris' grief and offers himself up (though his advances were declined). Chamyto Aguedan, Pablo's eternal muse, provides comic relief, as usual.

The most basic observation in "Hinala" is its utter mediocrity - from the narrative progression (which pretty much plateaus 20 minutes into its running time) to the production values. There is absolutely no guidance by way of performance. Pablo's earlier strength ("Duda Doubt", "Circles" "Bathhouse") was his visuals, but this has long been discarded and forgotten. The focus of Pablo's works is in the coital meanderings and how he can flash the requisite genitalia somewhere in the story. This, to me, is a sad case of artistic bankruptcy - the failure to thrive as an artist.

Experience is supposed to make people better artists. Unfortunately, not in Crisaldo Pablo's case. Isn't it sad to be the pariah of mediocrity?

Clyde Cruz makes his first full length feature film after "Bikini Boys".

Joeffrey Javier, Chamyto Aguedan and Arjay Carreon clowning around.

Note:

Please read our post about Cinema Bravo and why we sometimes feel nginig about Web Criticism:
- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html

Catch Me I'm In Love – Charm, Conceit and a Blockbuster

Someone was burning the midnight oil, conjuring catchy phrases and word combinations that could a blockbuster make. In his desperate bid for ideas, he comes off short in his semantics. In fact, you don’t exactly “catch” someone who is in love; you do the catching when someone is “falling in love”. Catch? Fall? Get it? So for the most part, this titling offers a certain disconnect, thanks to the simpleton responsible for such inanity.

But inanity does not the movie make either.

The movie follows Roan Sanchez (Sarah Geronimo) who works for an NGO, partaking outreach programs in the far reaches of Cauayan, Isabela. To her consternation, the President of the country takes her to task – she is to assist – and evaluate - in the community immersion of the US-bred Presidential son, Erick Rodriguez (Gerald Anderson). Though initially attracted to the unmistakable allure of Erick, Roan soon finds herself annoyed by the latter’s thoughtless whims and arrogant glib.

But as romcoms go, it didn’t take long for Roan to fall for Erick, and when 22 kids literally “propose” to her (aww shucks), who can say no?

Long before the dust settles, it becomes clear that Roan is too far removed from the glitz, glamour, and dining etiquette of her famous boyfriend – and she is awash with insecurity that can't be simply contained within a very public relationship. What’s a girl to do?

SAME CHICKEN

The movie takes its formulaic stride by banking on the chemistry of this new cinematic pair, and they surprisingly succeed. Is there a new grouping now? “Sarald” or “Gerah”, maybe? Hopefully less violent than the acid-spewing Kimeralds. Director Mae Czarina Cruz weaves her narrative by dressing her “chicken” differently, but really now, it is the same romcom chicken that we've seen many times over. “Quarrelling couple turns lovers” has been told ad nauseam, but this is undeniably a fan movie, thus much of its conceit is unforgivable.

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A month after it has opened, the movie has outlived newer releases (like Robin Padilla’s “Tum – My Pledge of Love”). It is raking the moolah that escaped “Hating Kapatid” too. (Sarah lost the "Box Office Queen" title because of the egg-laying capacity of that Wenn Deramas film). But on a more enlightened note, the film did NOT have a single product endorsement. This is mostly the hands of Star Cinema, who co-produced this with Viva Films. There were no intrusive spots on panty liners, pawnshops, or sing-along microphones. It made movie watching a more immersive experience.

On the technical side, the production is aided by brisk editing, a great location (the hanging bridge, the green fields of Isabela) and a spell-binding cinematography (Manuel Teehankee) that made a proper romantic canvas out of local color. Christopher de Leon and Dawn Zulueta make a perfect presidential couple while Arlene Muhlach and Joey Marquez, as Roan’s parents, typify the common folk adequately. Matteo Guidicelli (as Vitto) does well for his third-wheel role, but it didn't really have much to chew on, which is a waste. When Vitto suddenly drops a beat and raps his amorous advances, you are taken to hilarity. Matteo is a natural and he obviously deserves more screen time. Even the lovely Sam Pinto delivers a less stolid performance as the "other girl" who just might steal Erick away from "Roan of Caloocan". As plot devices, Sarah and Gerald are made to bicker and make up, they are even made to waddle in the mud and walk through glorious daylights, and as scenic as everything is, the whole narrative is nothing short of a fairy tale, albeit loosely based in reality.

Reality wont allow a “lowly” social worker to repeatedly and sarcastically call on a presidential son as “kamahalan” (your highness) regardless of how miffed she would be. Could anyone really call names on Jinggoy Estrada, Mikey Arroyo or even Kris Aquino whenever they act high and mighty? Or better yet, who in their right mind would send their son for a week's worth of community immersion to an NPA-infested province? As I said, the film is loosely based on reality – so it’s best to take it at face value.

Having said this, it is then a lot easier to masticate then swallow, and a fun time could be had at the movies. In fact, a great deal of this cinematic charm rests on a palpable chemistry – and then there is Sarah Geronimo!

SECOND SKIN

Roan is Sarah Geronimo, and the two entities become one. When Roan giggles, you believe that it hails from somewhere frolicky fun and fancy-free. So it is easy to see why people love Sarah. Even her dramatic moments are gradually taking form and gaining ground (the scene where she breaks up with Eric at the party is more than decent), unlike “You Changed My Life” (which was a better film than this one) where Geronimo obviously played to the peanut gallery more than emotionally investing on her role). This, I surmise, is a star-making role, and she gets a thumbs-up from this side of discourse.

THE DEAL WITH GERALD

If indeed we have forgiven the predictability and cinematic conceit of “Catch Me I’m In Love”, dealing with Gerald Anderson is another matter. Anderson has been getting high marks from us in the past. We have noticed how comfortable he has been with his portrayals, but such “comfort” has given him undue smugness. Even the most beautiful men of the world can’t be as self-assured as Erick. In several scenes, he comes off emanating self-love, I half expected he would suddenly pleasure himself on screen as he was too enamored with himself! Even if Gerald were God’s gift to women, he will be a better performer when he reins off his conceit. His Erick didn’t leave me charmed nor blushing. I was simply unnerved.

Brooding Matteo

TV Spotlight - BBC's Radical Cop Drama "Luther"

BBC TV series are a rarity here in Manila and contemporary cop dramas are even more so. But I always enjoy most British TV shows that come my way because they are presented differently from the usual tired American soaps and dramas. There is a degree of "freshness" in their delivery (not to mention the sexy accent).

One case in point is the psychological crime drama "Luther" which stars Idris Alba (above). In its first episode alone, the cat-and-mouse situations between Chief Inspector John Luther (Alba) and the slippery beauty Alice Morgan (Ruth Wilson) are enough to keep you on your toes. And though Morgan's guilt is practically written on the wall, Luther couldn't present any evidence to support his allegations - and mere "hunches" aren't enough to prosecute a suspect, considering that the victims are the suspect's own parents!

A question begs to be asked: Have you watched a cop drama where a crime is never given its closure? Where its rightful perpetrator is identified but never prosecuted or apprehended? That would basically make the series petty and worthless, moot and academic, right? In the case of "Luther", it makes our protagonist doubly intriguing, rendering him some emotional gravitas, much like Bruce Wayne's dark past.

Only the Brits can make a cop drama where criminals run scottfree.

Indira Varma is the beautiful Zoe, Luther's ex-wife who finds "romance" elsewhere while John Luther was recovering from his emotional meltdown.

Film Masters Spotlight: The Future According to Jean-Luc Godard

Even the production crew behind the making of Jean-Loc Godard’s “Alphaville” admitted it was a “difficult film”. The sets were intricate; the execution was elaborate, and in true Godard fashion, there wasn’t always a script for the actors to study before shooting. In fact, most of what transpired during the filming process came moments before cameras rolled. Godard was a unique auteur. He didn't tell people how he wanted his scenes; he would say what he did not want from them. Isn’t that odd?

So one crazy weekend, I pulled out my stack of Jean-Luc Godard collection from its shelf, and picked out one of his most daunting works, and braced myself for a tedious ride, hoping I’d come out of it unscathed.

Ivan Johnson, a journalist from the “Outlands” arrives in Alphaville, a city governed by a “giant computer” who controls the city's serial-numbered citizens. It doesn’t take long before you realize that Johnson has a mission more confounding than snapping mundane photographs. He is, in fact, looking for a missing agent Henry Dickson (Agent X21). More importantly, he is tasked to capture the “inventor of the death ray” – Professor Leonard Von Braun, who has designed a sentient computer system called Alpha 60 that’s controlling all the affairs of the city! He meets Natasha, Von Braun’s daughter. And he must destroy Alpha 60 to rid the people from its despotic rule!

Eccentric lines inhabit most of the film, and the interaction between people feels incongruent. After all, its citizenry is turned into mindless drones, and discouraged from learning the concepts of “love” or “conscience”. When a “3^rd class seductress” (a hotel “bellgirl”, really) asks Johnson, “Are you going to take a bath, sir?” He replies, “Yes, I must reflect.” Johnson’s hotel room is equipped with a Bible (every room has one) and guests are offered complimentary tranquilizers. These peculiarities are, in fact, addressed early on by Godard when Johnson (who’s really a secret agent named Lemmy Caution, valiantly played by American expat Eddie Constantine) was shown contemplating: “Something ‘s not in orbit in the capital of this Galaxy!” In one scene, a queue of men are executed by the swimming pool. Their crime? “Thinking illogically!” I knew Godard and I share similar wavelength when it comes to the fate of stupidity. LOL

The film is replete with existential musings that, at times, felt bizarre, but such is the uncompromising cinematic vision of French New Wave’s Jean-Luc Godard. His theatrical influences are further reflected when he mentions, “Some people will serve as terrible examples to those who see the world as theater, when technical power and its triumph is (sic) the only act in the repertoire!”

Bathed in noirish black and white, “Alphaville” was released in 1965, and marked a salient chapter in the life of the director who started shooting the film a few days after his divorce from Anna Karina (his cinematic muse, who played Natasha) who starred in Godard’s every notable masterpiece. The mood of their relationship reflected much of Alphaville’s somber, brooding atmosphere, complete with a foreboding score from start to finish. What totally crept me out was the narrating voice from the grave – a deep cracky strange voice over, inspired by the hypnotic voice in “The Testament of Dr Mabuse“.

Godard earlier wanted to use the title, “Tarzan versus IBM” instead of “Alphaville”. With a labyrinthine world of zombies in the film, it wouldn’t have been too much of a stretch. And this was early 1960s way before I was even a speck of a dust, yet Godard had fashioned and conceptualized a bizarre futuristic world so vivid and real, he didn’t even need CGI’s to make it work. And I am simply reduced to being such a fan!

Ivan Johnson aka Lemmy Caution played by American actor Eddie Constantine

Jean-Luc Godard came from an affluent family. His father was a doctor, his mother was a banker's daughter. He first started as a film critic before making movies.

Anna Karina was born in Denmark, but at the age of 18, she went to Paris and emerged as a top model for Coco Chanel and Pierre Cardin. Godard first saw her in a TV soap commercial. When he offered her a cameo in their first film together, she refused. She balked at her nude scenes. Godard came back to give her the lead for "Breathless". And the rest is history.

Godard and his leading lady, Anna Karina, during happier times.

Gnomeo and Juliet – Finding Happy-Ever-After

The well loved Shakespearean classic on star-crossed lovers is once again retold in a new animated film. The battling clans – the Capulets and the Montagues, return in Kelly Asbury’s “Gnomeo and Juliet”, reincarnated as a warring family of gnomes.

Gnomes are mythical creatures, extremely small in size. They have a subterranean lifestyle. In this animated film, they live around a garden they diligently tend, taking pride in the blooms that blossom around their backyards. However, when people are around, these gnomes revert to being garden ornaments; those figurines made of plaster of Paris who come to life when no one is looking (much like the characters in “Toy Story”).

One clan wears blue hats, the other red. One clan grows red tulips, the other Westeria. They take to “lawnmowers” as people take to cars. The clans hate each other, constantly competing through the upkeep of their gardens. One day, blue-hatted Gnomeo meets red-hatted Juliet. And we have an inkling as to how the story's gonna play out. But since this is obviously geared for children, this tale tweaks the original by rendering it a fairy tale comeuppance. And we couldn’t complain!

Told in brisk narrative strokes, its simple exposition is quite a refreshing departure from the usual modern day slam-bang animation adventures. Most of the “action” occurs in their respective gardens, and the creatures are imbued their loveable demeanors.

James McAvoy (“Atonement”, “Wanted”) voices Gnomeo while Emily Blunt (“Adjustment Bureau”, “Devil Wears Prada”) takes Juliet. Several other big stars appear (as voice actors) in the film: Jason Statham, Ozzy Osbourne, Hulk Hogan (the voice of the “Terraferminator”), Julie Walters, Patrick Stewart (as “Bill” Shakespeare’s statue), Dame Maggie Smith and country legend Dolly Parton! The music of Elton John permeates throughout this film like a familiar old friend –and it's such a delight hearing “Your Song” and other well loved classics in the context of a romantic story, instead of from drunken karaoke fanatics. I love the side story on the pink flamingo who once lost his love when the owners of the house ended up in divorce. True love indeed comes to those who wait.

Star-crossed lovers are once again searching for their happy ever after. Or did you doubt that here?

James McAvoy appears next in "X-Men: First Class" and the action sequel "Wanted 2".

James McAvoy

Emily Blunt is appears next in Lasse Hallstrom, "Salmon Fishing in the Yemen" with Ewan McGregor and Kristin Scott Thomas.

Emily Blunt

Blunt with former squeeze, Michael Buble.

And Soon The Darkness - Tourists, Beware!

Eli Roth's "Hostel" and Josh Duhamel's "Turistas" were among our guilty pleasures. They had gratuitous violence, but they were also well made and took us to Slovakia and Brazil, respectively. But who knew that before they made oodles of money at the box office, another film beat them to the genre by 30 years?

"And Soon The Darkness" was a 1970 French and British co-production which follows the eventful backpacking holiday of a couple of British girls cycling at the south of France. Fast forward to 2010 - a remake was made. This time around, 2 American girls are on a biking trip in a remote Argentine town. When they missed the only bus that could take them across the border to Paraguay the next day, they decided on exploring the small town, populated by unfriendly folks who turn away when asked. While enjoying the sun beside the waterfall, the girls got into a fight. Stephanie (Amber Heard) left her friend Ellie (Odette Yustman) - big mistake! By the time she realized their petty quarrel, she went back to fetch her, but Ellie was gone!

Spoilers!

Australian actor Karl Urban soon joins the familiar narrative to help thicken the plot, but we soon find out that his character Michael (who earlier lost his girlfriend Camila) is almost inconsequential. In fact, it was easy to dispose of him, without much emotional investment.

I wasn't aware that the Argentine suburbs are an unfriendly place, as depicted by the story. The narrative runs on the premise that both local and foreign girls are kidnapped, then sold to Paraguayan dealers as "slaves". The film has well appointed locations (the "dead town" which looked like it had been devastated by a tsunami, and completely abandoned by its locals), but the story feels relatively incomplete - or ultimately, unsatisfying. Karl Urban's sexy pout could have been spruced up a bit instead of being an absolutely useless cad. Shame he looked like the perfect protagonist.

Sun bathing before their spat.

Biking in a remote Argentine town.

Michel Noher is the local Romeo, Chucho, who finds Ellie flirting with him at the bar.

Amber Heard

Karl Urban smolders (above & below).

Odette Yustman megawatt smile lights up the screen.

Odette Yustman was recently seen in the hit comedy "You Again" (Sigourney Weaver & Jamie Lee Curtis). It's easy to see why she's a movie star. Even at her high school, she was Homecoming Queen.

Michel Noher - naughty looks, naughty deeds.