All That Lovin' on Valentine's Day

It is Valentine's Day. Los Angeles is abuzz with all that romantic energy spilling over to more than a dozen personalities that shall grace this cinematic landscape.

Julia Roberts is coming home from active duty for a rendezvous with a special someone - but only for a day! Bradley Cooper joins her reverie up in the friendly skies. Ashton Kutcher proposes to his gf Jessica Alba but she wants to keep it a secret for now. Meanwhile, Ashton (who manages a flower delivery business) receives a bouquet order to Patrick Dempsey's wife and another for Jennifer Garner, Ashton's bestfriend! Will he tell her?Meanwhile, Jennifer is flying to San Francisco just to be with surgeon Dempsey on the special day. Will he be happy to see her?

High school triathlete Taylor Lautner gives ditzy blond girlfriend Taylor Swift a giant teddy, while she gives him a jersey - and they can't seem to have enough of each other. Sports reporter Jamie Foxx gets a mushy "lifestyle" assignment from his boss Kathy bates - to cover Valentine's Day, but he is really after a scoop. Is veteran sports hero Eric Dane retiring or not? But what about Eric's lovesick agent Jessica Biel? Will he ever glance her way? Once again, Jessica is hosting the I-Hate-Valentines-Day Party but everybody is cancelling. Will she celebrate the party alone?

Carter Jenkins is in a tizzy. He has scheduled his first ever "sex" with his high school gf Emma Roberts. He heads to her room and takes off his clothes, covering himself with just a guitar. But Emma is nowhere in sight. And her mom is on her way up her room!

Anne Hathaway is busy as a temp and as a phone sex worker, and her boss Queen Latifah is starting to notice. Meanwhile, her clueless boyfriend Topher Grace doesn't know. Will he mind?

Finally, Hector Elizondo receives the shock of his life when 72 year old wife Shirley MacLaine suddenly tells him that she has had an affair several years ago with his friend. His grandson, 9 year old Bryce Robinson admits to being lovesick himself. He wants to send a bouquet to the girl but the flower shop can't seem to deliver it to her, so he takes matters into his own hands!

There is a certain degree of improbability that all these stories will unfold and resolve within a day! But - like a stroke of of genius, the stories somehow come together, making this omnibus film the perfect date movie for Valentines!

My favorite is the segment with the lovesick kid Bryce! Young love seems to be the sweetest and the purest too, and aren't we a sucker for that? If you want to fall in love with love this V-Day, this is a safe bet!

Julia Roberts - In the outtakes, the camera pans over Rodeo Drive then the camera man (probably "Pretty Woman" director Garry Marshall) jokingly asks Julia, "Have you ever shopped there?" She breaks into a wry smile then replies, "Yeah, once... big mistake! Bbbiggg mistake!" (Then she breaks into her trademark grin!)

Patrick Dempsey plays naughty cardiologist.

Eric Dane is the troubled sports hero.

Carter Jenkins looks to Emma Roberts for lotsa lovin'.

Ashton Kutcher proposes to Jessica Alba on Valentine's Day! Then warns his bestfriend Jennifer Warner. Now how lucky can a man get?

SpEd Hearts - Confusion in the Storytelling

Ciara Sotto is so lame!

In the indie movie “SpEd Hearts”, she sleepwalks and wears a morose expression in all of her scenes, you wouldn’t know if she was happy or sad, angry or ecstatic. Even during her confrontation scene with her “father”, she was in a state of constant malaise. I wanted to take her shoulders and shake her to consciousness – just to take her out of her catatonia!

Rina (Ciara Sotto) teaches for a special education class where children with special needs are served. When Jonathan (Paolo Rivero – again!) comes into the picture, Rina leaves her petulant dad who is against her relationship with her under achieving beau. Rina fights for and joins Jonathan, along with her bastard child. But Rina soon learns that life with Jonathan isn’t what she thought it would be. So she leaves him, and eventually decides to trade her “fulfilling” daytime job for the uncertainties of far Canada.

A significant side story is that of a married gay man (Crisaldo Pablo’s comic flower Chamyto Aguedan, simply billed “Chamyto”) who works with Rina and tends to his family (a wife and - heavens! – 6 children). But on the side, he keeps a male lover. All was well until the plot thickened! Then the movie’s editor suddenly jumped off the building as the story turned into a mishmash of badly executed comic situations that was really just an exposition of “how gay daddy was caught by son and relatives”! With Chamyto comically playing dad, didn’t anyone see that a mile away? If you had half a brain, you would know Chamyto’s sexual preference, even if you closed your eyes or were in Saturn. Unless you are a moron, of course! This narrative string, obviously misplaced, was played out in redundant scenes that highlighted how confused or unfocused the storyteller was – director Felbert P. Go (“Hikbi”).

Once again, my P161 swirled down the drain! The money that my dad gave me turned into shit! Being a consumer, shall I have the honor to complain to the Consumer’s Board for craps disguised as artistic products?

On a personal note, I am not really sure if my friend Iya is still talking to me after taking her to two successive horrible indies in 2 weeks. Far as I know, she got so alarmingly silent as we drove out of Galleria parking! If this movie will cost me my friendship with a childhood friend, then I would demand the heads of Ciara, Chamyto and the director on a pink platter! I am so sorry, Iyaya! I promise never to insist again on another garbage next time we go out to watch! I'll even pay for our next movie, swear I will!

If we are indeed experiencing the New Golden Age of Philippine Cinema through Digital Indies, why is commercial cinema being bombarded with the best of the worst movies week after week after week? If this is “renaissance”, oh please please please – stay dead!

Paolo Rivero in another indie!

Standing Room Only - Restless Souls in a Rundown Cinema

“Standing Room Only” (SRO) follows Sonny (Rain Javier), Roldan (Kristoffer King) and Oscar (Charles Delgado) as they navigate the narrow, dark and putrid halls of a rundown cinema. The story unfolds from the point of view of young janitor Oscar who closely observes the rollercoaster sexual politics amidst a myriad of struggling souls: Oscar who once held his “throne” as king of callboys where for P300, you can have your way with him; “fresh meat” Roldan who threatens Oscar’s reign; a gun-toting cop (Paolo Rivero) who pines for the affection of one of the boys; a foul-mouthed prostitute Lucy (Sheree) who offers oral pleasures to horned up moviegoers; a blind and monologue-happy vendor (Ana Capri).

On paper, this sleazy underground world has always been interesting, as highlighted in groundbreaking movies like Brillante Mendoza’s “Serbis” and Jacques Nolot’s 2002 porn chic “Porn Theatre” (La Chatte a Deux Tetes), but what cuts the aforementioned flicks way above “Standing Room Only” is how deftly the narratives are told and pieced together; how the characters strut across the screen like real everyday people in dire straits, instead of the caricaturish cardboard cutouts that “SRO” fields, and the technical savvy of its filmmakers.

Charles Delgado

Simply put, this filmmaker’s incapacity – or inexperience! - to adequately use her medium as a visual artist and story teller translates into a mediocre work. The director tries to mine the corrosive, rough-around-the-edges characters that populate her story. With her history as assistant director of some of the worst films we’ve wasted our money on (Project X, Eskandalo, Binyag, Booking, Tutok, Dalaw), we are not surprised where director Cleo Paglinawan gets her cinematic acumen: Joven Tan! Are we surprised then that “SRO” turns out the way it is? Unfortunately for her, Paglinawan acquires Tan’s bad habits as well!

Here are a few reasons why: In several scenes, we hear “instructions” being whispered to the actors – so you are then transported to reality that this is really crappy filmmaking with hurried and unrehearsed scenes, and understudied roles. Sound was also bad. In a scene where Sheree chats with annoyingly over-eager Ana Capri, the quality of the sound changes (from muffled to noisy and back) each time the frames change from one character to the next! Capri and Sheree are given enough “balls” to shine, but they only succeeded in annoying me!

And once again, Sheree turns out to be such a turkey! There are glaring lapses of judgment too – Rain Javier is cast as the callboy has-been whose time had passed. Customers suddenly favor the arrogant newbie Roldan (Kristoffer King), but isn’t it obvious? Kristoffer King looks older than good looking Rain Javier who never looked awkward despite the way his character was written (he was always sullen or distant). Javier is enigmatic; he smolders on screen! Charles Delgado does well too; his “innocent look” sits well with the “ingénue” character that eventually lorded it over at the dank cinema! The cottaging scenes mostly appear farcical; scenes that you would probably hear as anecdotes from stand-up shows, but these celluloid situations require a certain amount of sensitivity and intimacy to be taken seriously - not stand-up humor!

Kristoffer King

Dear John - Bittersweet Romance Fizzles

When a man writes to you, he pours his soul and affection. That's what interested me to "Dear John" and I was always on the verge of a teenage giggle during the first half of the movie. I've always though Channing Tatum was perfect for a romantic hero - the strong silent man who will sweep any girl off his feet! When John (Tatum) meets Savannah (Amanda Seyfried), they fall in love. But like most bittersweet tales, they only have 2 weeks. She will go back to college, while he will be sent the world over as US army. They write each other every possible time they can. One day, her letters stopped coming!

Of course we expected something to crumble, but her reasons turned out to be so lame; she so shallow and moronic I wanted to tie her up and dip her in -10 degree waters. Nicholas Sparks didn't seem to know how to end his novel that from out of the blue, they see each other from nowhere, when hearts have been broken and all. One of the most anti-climactic endings in cinematic history I have ever seen.

I loved Richard Jenkins here though; he played Channing's father who collects coins. He has always been amazing! And nope! Savannah is an idiot for thinking that the father was autistic just coz he wasn't speaking much. He has an anti-social personality with obsessive-compulsive behavior! Not autistic! Duh! Also, they could have made use the legacy of the coins to make the narrative richer, but the coins ended being sold, the money donated for a duplicitous guy's chemo. What's the deal?

Should i brood coz I'm good looking?

Did You Hear About the Morgans?

It's all been done before - and way better than this one!

Divorcing couple witness a murder and are soon placed under the witness protection program. They are taken to some mythic, made-up town in the back roads of Wyoming where they don't even have an internet connection! Meanwhile, they argue like cat and mouse; he almost gets attacked by a grizzly bear, she fails to ride her horses. And while this was supposed to amuse us, i was left with a bad case of regret! Coasting on the individual charm of Hugh and Sarah Jessica just wasn't enough!

What happens with a romantic comedy when the "jokes" aren't all that funny and romance falters like intermittent electricity? It becomes "Did You Hear About The Morgans" and one wished they were never heard from - ever again!

Cleaning the floor with a smile!

Case 39 - Renee Zellweger Lends a Hand - Or Should She?

When Lilith was finally asleep, she was dragged into the kitchen and stuffed inside an oven by her parents. But not before she was able to ring Emily Jenkins (Renee Zellweger) for help. Emily, a sympathetic social worker, had been trying to convince the police department that Lilith was indeed a victim of physical abuse.

Emily soon finds herself as Lilith's legal guardian - but something is very wrong about the smart and soft spoken child! "Orphan" revisited? Hmm, not quite! As we soon find out, what started as a dramatic thriller soon evolves into a horror film, making this "child-from-hell" saga quite unfocused!

Renee Zellweger is one of those personalities who's easy to love. She exudes warmth and sincerity, but in "Case 39", she seems lost! This is, as far as I can remember, Renee's first foray into the horror genre. Unfortunately, the movie isn't a laudable effort. Jodelle Ferland - who played Lillith - is effectively scary, much like Isabelle Fuhrman (Esther) in "Orphan".

Renee Zellweger protects Jodelle Ferland.

Bradley Cooper plans on swatting flies.

This is how Bradley avoids flying insects.

New Orleans, Voodoo, the Princess and the Frog

In "The Princess and the Frog", a well loved fairy tale is reworked to give the tale a new perspective. Set in New Orleans, Disney features its very first black princess (as far as I can remember - although Brandi became a black Cinderella years back) in Tiana whose only dream (well, it was his deceased father's dream too) is to serve food that everyone will love in her own restaurant. But money is hard. After all, cash doesn't grow on trees when you're just a waitress in this city. Enter Prince Naveen - Prince of Maldonia - whose mission is to marry a rich heiress. He is broke after having been cut off from her royal parents' fortunes.

As luck would have it, Naveen is caught under the unfortunate spell of voodoo, as a charlatan of a magician pines for the wealth that he is about to acquire once he marries lovestruck Charlotte, Tiana's rich childhood friend. And so the plot thickens.

Oprah Winfrey voices Eudora, while Anika Noni Rose does Tiana's voice.

There indeed is nothing like a good old fairy tale mixed with magic, adventure and some of the most beautifully written songs in an animated musical.