The Eagle - Reclaiming Honor & Unveiling Gallantry in 120 A.D.

120 A.D. - The Roman Army's 9th Legion stationed at Lindum (now Lincoln, England) marched into the unconquered territory of Northern Britain. From then on, some 5,000 Roman soldiers were never seen again. Their disappearance became a huge embarrassment to the Roman army, most especially the commander's family! Twenty years later, Marcus Aquila (Channing Tatum), a centurion, volunteers to head the remaining Roman army stationed in southern Britain in what they'd call a "shithole". This was to solve the mystery of his missing father, as well as find the emblem of the Legion - a golden "Eagle".

After having been injured, Marcus Aquila saves a slave Esca (Jamie Bell) from death. He takes Esca with him through Hadrian's Wall as they both navigate the treacherous Highlands searching for clues on the whereabouts of Marcus' father. Was he humiliated in death - if he indeed has died? Were there survivors?

Hadrian's Wall was a defensive fortification in northern England. Begun in AD 122, during the rule of emperor Hadrian, it was the first of two fortifications built across Great Britain, the second being the Antonine Wall, lesser known of the two because its physical remains are less evident today. The wall was the most heavily fortified border in the Empire. In addition to its role as a military fortification, it is thought that many of the gates through the wall would have served as customs posts to allow trade and levy taxation.

I am fascinated that there was a bustling civilization in 120 A.D. - a world governed by conquerors and fraught with war, starvation and constant fight for survival. The story itself isn't as sound as I hoped it would be. The Romans didn't look Italians. Channing Tatum, after all, is as American as anyone gets. And the savage Painted Warriors seemed like Native American Indians. Regardless of the film wrestling with authenticity, I have always liked Channing Tatum despite his limitations in artistic insight. He looks like a screen hero, and sometimes, that suffices.

Jamie Bell, all grown up and has shed his "Billy Elliot" persona years ago, plays sympathetic British slave Esca who takes Marcus' journey to heart. Once you look beyond the aforementioned shortcomings, Kevin Macdonald's "The Eagle" could be an entertaining action-drama-adventure on reclaiming honor and unveiling gallantry. Moreover, friendship is always an enviable entity.

Channing Tatum

Used to moonlight as a male stripper (an exotic dancer). Now he joins the big leagues.

Jamie Bell is Billy Elliot no more.

Taking a Walk in the Woods - Andrew Seeley in "The Shortcut"

I love scaring myself, but the video market is flooded with familiar thrillers and horror films told many times over. In fact, the "Scream" trilogy pretty much sums up the formula that should make up a great horror story. Another "Scream" installment is coming to our screens very soon. Meanwhile, Director Nicholaus Goossen's "The Shortcut" comes up with a film that makes the grade!

The narrative follows a school in rural America (shot in Saskatchewan, Canada) that's circulating whispers about "the old man in the woods" - that the shortcut to getting shredded into pieces is through its leafy trails! When Derek (Andrew Seeley) finds his younger brother Tobey (who took the shortcut - and survived) covered with blood, his interest in piqued. With the help of his friends from school, he ventures into the house of the legendary old man. What exactly did they expect to find?

A decent movie with requisite good looking teenagers and a suspicious character, this film is buoyed by the performance of its young vast. Andrew Seeley registers strongly on screen, carries his character with confidence. It doesn't hurt that he is easy on the eyes too! In some scenes he looks like Levi Johnston (the him-bo from Alaska).

I have no idea who Seeley was until I saw this film, and from fast browsing, I discovered several things. One of which is that Andrew Seeley brims with talent: he is an amazing singer, a great composer, and a captivating performer. In fact, he used to cover for Zac Efron's voice in High School Musical (the first part), then again, while they toured HSM when Zac wasn't available (he was filming "Hairspray") - and he made a perfect replacement.

Just a word from the wise: The movie - "Shortcut" - offers an troubling conclusion that absolutely decimated the promise of the rest of the film! That was an unnecessarily twisted conclusion; someone should have warned the director that the piece doesn't fit!

PERSONAL NOTE:

I'd like to wish my Tita Minnie a Happy Birthday. I am aware that you follow my blog and find amusement from my endless rants. And the numbers that you saw the other day - bearing 954 page views in a day - should be true because I don't know how to manipulate sitemeter! Haha. I didn't realize this blog could attract such traffic. I only offer my thoughts and naughtiness.

Have a fun and safe trip on your 4th visit to Venice, Tita. I have missed those sweltering summers in Casa dei Pittori (did you know it used to be an ancient castle?). Or you could opt for that hotel near Basilico San Marco (forgot the name). I promise to join you next time (I know I've said "no" so many times but not because I didn't want to). I am still the little girl who used to sleep on your lap when I was 4 to 6. I am still your "unofficial" first daughter before there were Doreen and Cleo. I just grew up a bit - with sexy devilish thorns; with arrogance and biting sarcasm to boot! Love you to bits! Kisses from your adorably gorgeous niece Cathy (your words)

Andrew Seeley as Derek

Big brother asks Tobey if he's alright.

Andrew Seeley the performer! Google his youtube videos and find out what a great singer he is!

Andrew played "prince" opposite Selena Gomez in "Another Cinderella Story" and Chris Nolan's intriguing musical, "I Kissed A Vampire" (2010).

Graduated from Lake Brantley High School (Orlando, FL) in 2000. While there, he had leads in mainstage productions of "Into the Woods", "Gypsy", "Once Upon A Matress", "The Miracle Worker", and "The Merchant of Venice."

Who's That Girl - Travesty of Assumptions & Unethical Product Peddling

When she was younger, Liz Pedrosa (Anne Curtis) was hopelessly – and desperately – in love with campus heart throb John Eduque (Luis Manzano). Inspite of this, Elizabeth remained a forgotten wallflower. A few years later, the same girl has blossomed into a confident and beautiful woman, gainfully employed and still carrying her romantic torch.

One day, she reads the obituary. A John Eduque is dead. Decked in all black, covered in veil, she troops to the funeral parlor, but while she marches to the coffin of the deceased, she couldn’t contain herself. She bawls embarrassingly so - and makes a spectacle of herself. When she finally reaches the coffin, she finds out that her assumptions were wrong. It was John Eduque, Sr. lying down the casket. But it was too late. The dead man’s family has assumed the worst. Is she a mistress of the departed? Liz does a Cinderella. But to the baffled crowd, who the heck was that girl?

Most the film runs on wrong assumption, and though this may bring the expected hilarity, gags running on protracted conjectures eventually lose steam, as in the case in this slapstick fodder. In fact, Eugene Domingo’s verge-of-lunacy demeanor eventually gets on your nerves. She goes over the top everytime she is (mis)handled by director Wenn Deramas who once again proves his undying devotion to the humorless DJ Durano who’s once again cast, rather laboriously, as a condo caretaker who’s infatuated with Anne Curtis.

Many of the gags seem to run on mere cinematic duress: Nonoy Zuniga singing “Never Ever Say Goodbye” at the wake is not funny, yet this was staged as though there would be a penultimate punchline. “Follow instructions,” shouts Eugene Domingo who plays the distraught widow, Donya Belinda. Funny, right? As punishment for the deceased’s supposed indiscretion (apparently another “wrong assumption”), his body was “cremated” at the lechonan (Ping Ping’s Lechon, the billboard reads) where, as a business promo, one cremated body gets one lechon free. Did you laugh?

Bobby Yan appears as a private investigator who follows Anne around. His name is “Bond” – and if that carries an iota of pleasure to anyone, I wish I got the joke too. Marvin Agustin does a cameo as a fishball vendor and so does Ai Ai de las Alas who closes the film like a cliffhanger.

As we’ve mentioned earlier, a lot of the gags fall flat: “Makinig ka na lang sa mga trip ko.” Response: “O sige, happy trip!” Huh?

When Donya Belinda learns that all her assumptions have been tricks of the mind, she nonetheless proceeds with her vengeful plans: to discredit and dispossess Liz. Suddenly, markets are shut on them; Liz gets kicked out from her condo and fired from her job. Heck, even her little sister Betty couldn’t buy from the fish ball vendor. At this point, we were at the brink of being overly irritated. The narrative has gone out of whack; we were close to stepping out of the cinema, but the thought of our P170 made us stay. So we soldiered on.

The film banks on the manic energy of its zany cast, and a huge part of them was lead to believe that eternally irascible characters are fun to watch. Candy Pangilinan, check! Eugene Domingo, check! Pangilinan’s choleric demeanor particularly annoys the heck out of me. She always throws her line like a constipated oaf (check out KC Conception’s “For The First Time” – Pangilinan might as well be transplanted straight from that film!).

Luis Manzano has confidently found his comedic stride, and he succeeds to rise above slapstick clutter and the latter mawkish exposition. We have always liked Anne Curtis, and for the most part, she carries her character with ample verve. If only she didn’t fall into peddling consumer products as though she couldn't feed herself if Viva wouldn't allow her to endorse on screen: GSM Blue, Magnolia Life Drink, MyPhone. Did I miss Greenwich? This practice is unethical because they are encroaching on the right of the paying consumer who shells out hard earned money to watch a movie, and not "commercials". A movie should never be used to actively endorse commercial products because the audience pays to watch a film! Sponsors could be acknowledged at the end credits; NOT deliberately straddle on the narrative, which is very distracting - and quite insulting! But I guess Viva Films never learns from their “Hating Kapatid” debacle – a major flop, considering it was a team up of two well loved stars – Judy Anne Santos and Sarah Geronimo!

WHO LIKES COMMERCIALS WHEN YOU'RE PAYING P170-200?

I'm asking any sane paying movie goer: Do you like commercials within the narrative of a movie you're watching? If you're not an idiot, then it's a no-brainer really. Would you appreciate it if in the middle of your watching "Superman", the Man of Steel suddenly pulls out a can of Coca Cola from his cape and chugs it down with gusto? Or Audrey Hepburn suddenly thrusting Modess while backriding with Gregory Peck in "Roman Holiday"? Or Edward and Bella hoisting GSM Blue while cuddling together in the next sequel of "Twilight"? Or Spiderman munching a slice of Greenwich Pizza while web-slinging? These are big no-no's. These enterprising producers arrogantly abuse the Pinoy moviegoers with such blatant practice.

GREED AND CONSUMERISM

When it comes to money making schemes, Viva Films treads the thin line between consumerism and greed. They did this when Sharon Cuneta was their queen (which went on when she made Unitel's "Crying Ladies"?) They have lived off product placements and overstepped their boundaries with colossal excesses. Do you wonder at all why most of their flagship projects don't make as much as they should? It’s because they cannot regulate avarice. And karma has a way of catching up with unmoderated vice. What is it in Tagalog, “gahaman”?

Viva Films’ extent of greed is directly proportional to the mediocrity of their films.

Curtis: Unethical and shameless peddling of consumer products encroach on the paying consumer's right to watch a movie free of commercials! To have to watch and pay P170, and be blatantly bathed with commercials is just misplaced consumerism and unmoderated greed! Especially when the film itself is a moron's masterpiece!

Masikip sa Tatlo - Clueless Experiments in Pink

To say that a movie like “Masikip sa Tatlo” is an experimental film is to highlight the production’s grave ignorance and misunderstanding of what one truly is. It’s not even the active oppositional stance on mainstream cinema, i.e. taking film language into non sequitur. It is the gibberish cluelessness of its producers, actors, script writer and director Edz Espiritu. The worse thing about this is the high minded impression that they are actually making art when all they have is a grade school pad paper with the crayon sketchings of a toddler.

EXPERIMENTAL FILMS

In a more solid form, what is an experimental film? Think Luis Bunuel and Salvador Dali’s “Un Chien Andalou” (Andalusian Dog) which should rightfully be explored in this blog very soon. The boxed concept of an Experimental Film is as follows: it has a nonlinear narrative, an abstract story telling employing cinematographic experiments (out of focus, animation) and rapid editing. Sound could be asynchronous – and much of what unfolds on screen is of non-diegetic nature. In short, the audience is given active participation to unravel the narrative, instead of the usual spoonfeeding that goes along with mainstream cinema. The aforementioned parameters, however, are hardly satisfied in Edz Espiritu’s “Masikip sa Tatlo” – which proudly labels itself as an “experimental Film by (producer) Flor Ignacio”.

This scene provides the only raison d'etre of this movie. Anton Nolasco soaping away.

Pimply nubile Josh Patrick.

Capsule

Sandy (Jersey Milano) and Reynante (Anton Nolasco) are a couple of call center agents living in sexual harmony. Their ramshackle space is inconsequential to their conjugal bliss. Sandy cooks breakfast like a contented “wife”, while Reynante comes home bearing gifts. A happy home indeed.

One day, Reynante gets a distress call from Miguel (Josh Patrick), a masseur from his not so distant past. Miguel's massage clinic has been closed down and he is left unemployed – and homeless. Though initially reluctant, Reynante eventually takes Miguel home with him. “Naiilang ako sa kanya,” complains Sandy, but the visitor nonetheless gets to sleep on the couch at the living room. However, Reynante finds nubile and pimply faced Miguel irresistible. He is lured into flirtatious banters and a hundred lip action with their youthful guest. We all know that when recklessly playing with fire, someone is bound to get burned. And suffering Sandy is getting all the singes. What’s a guy to do?

MOST ANNOYING MOVIES

In what should be one of the most annoying movies to ever test our patience, “Masikip sa Tatlo” has delusions of dramatic pertinence, though its lopsided ministrations reveal there isn’t much common sense from the story teller. Script (by Paul Singh Sudail) leaves much to be desired, and has a habit of repeating itself to mimic a conversation.

Reynante: “Ayoko na sa call center. Burn out na ako.”

Sandy: “Ayaw mo ba talaga sa call center?”

***

Reynante: “May iba na ako.”

Miguel: “Eh ano ngayon kung may iba ka na. Ikaw naman ang pakikisamahan ko.” (Which clues you in on how idiotic these creatures are. Being in a relationship means staying away from others. Duh!)

***

Reynante to visitor Miguel: “Di ko alam kung hanggang kalian tayo ganito. Kung hanggang bukas o isang lingo o isang buwan. Ang importante eh kasama tayo.” (And you’d think this was a dramatic epic a la “Gone with the Wind”.)

Simply put, the musings of these characters are too far removed from what we otherwise know as reality. Check this out: Once Sandy starts getting the intuition that he’s being taken for a ride, and his suspicions point to Reynante and Miguel fiddling each other’s joysticks, he’s actually caught them several times:

1. He comes home from work to find Reynante and Miguel asleep beside each other half naked – in their “conjugal bed”. As a consequence, he cooks breakfast by cutting the egg into pieces. LOL;

2. He wakes up from his drunken stupor with Reynante not beside him. He finds Reynante French kissing Miguel in the living room, while Miguel’s hand reaches under Reynante’s shorts, mashing away the family jewels, effusively checking out his pearls and a magic wand. Talk about catching the thief in flagrante delicto, right? But Sandy doesn’t move to the next level of realization. He remains suspicious. Hahaha!

3. Sandy comes home to find Miguel sleeping (again!) on their bed. He looks for Reynante and finds the latter bathing. The next thing he witnesses is even funnier than, say Sharon Cuneta’s authentic Truth-in-Advertisement Marie France billboards up in Edsa (I recently saw it and I got disoriented, I almost asked my driver to pull over so I could recover from my shock). Now back to Sandy, he finds Miguel urinating, while Reynante is indiscreetly gazing as the urine stream flows through – up close and personal, as they say! For the umpteenth time, Sandy remains suspicious! (Ohgawd! Spare me from utter stupidity!)

At this point, Sandy gathers enough courage to errr… internalize. He locks himself in the bathroom. And then, we witness the most heart shattering emotional breakdown, caught on cam in soaring emotional plateau - yes, plateau. This went on for 5 minutes. He sobs, he shouts, he grunts, he abuses the walls, then he calms down. But wait, he isn’t done! The music shifts to “What Matters Most” (the most popular go-to dramatic theme for Pinoy B-movies, heard recently in “Haliparot - Mana sa Ina”), and Sandy goes wailing - sans tears - and huffing again, plastering his face hard against the grimy bathroom tiles, as he gradually lay down the mildewy bathroom floor. Talk about artistic commitment, right? But wait, he still isn’t entirely convinced of his lover’s infidelity. Despite the numerous situations we’ve mentioned, he remains suspicious! The dweeb!

One day, he comes home to find Reynante and Miguel enjoying light banter – no kissing, no canoodling, no mashing of genitalia – just light heartedly laughter. And like a lit flashbulb, he finally gets cognizance.

Now comes the next gratingly distressful 20 minutes. They slap each other. Reynante bawls, “Mag usap tayo.” "Nilinlang ninyo ako," counters Sandy. Miguelito leaves, "Magtatanim na lang ako ng palay sa Tarlac!". And Sandy gets another moment to perturb us with his hollow, but physically laborious theatrics. I had to control myself from hurling my popcorn and large coke to the screen! My patience has never been tested this much since Mark Shandii Bacolod’s “Fidel” (who’s coming out with another spine tingling shenaningan called “Donor” - so brace yourselves)!

REASON FOR BEING

Since this is marketed as a Pink Film (the poster is a no-brainer), the film has fielded Anton Nolasco, a veteran of male bikini pageants, to the hungry and libidinous 3^rd sex audience. And he gamely shares his endowments in a 15 minute bathing scene we’ve witnessed several times last year in movies like “Lagpas”. While bathing, Anton stands in the usual oblique position (halfway between side view and back view), but as the camera lovingly pans his well sculpted dishabille, he intermittently flips around for the requisite peekaboo. And even if you closed your eyes for 10 seconds, he will make sure his mushroom seen! LOL. He even faces the cam and turns the other side. And do you really wonder if this isn't the raison d’etre of a film like “Masikip sa Tatlo”. I swear they could have ended it there and 90% of its audience wouldn't have complained! ;-> (And the scene appears in the first 20 minutes of the movie.)

CRISALDO PABLO'S LEGACY

Crisaldo Pablo’s legacy of fielding unattractive leads is slowly but surely creeping through this maudlin industry. These days, it is enough that guys with enviable physique get to star in low budget potboilers. Forget the “mukhang artista” mentality. As long as someone shows penis, then you have a movie! Pablo’s aesthetics have made it acceptable to scrape bottom.

That Producer Flor A. Ignacio is proud to call it an “experimental Film” (note the small e and capital F) is really a disservice to the likes of Bunuel, Dali, even Peter Greenaway. Or has the criteria changed since it is Pinoy lang?

For making me pay P160 to watch a painfully annoying drivel like this, I shall dedicate my next vomitus to its director!

Anton Nolasco (above and below)

"The Reef" aka "Shark Attack" - Scared Shitless in the Ocean

It's another day in paradise, and Luke has visitors; old friends from London and an old flame from Sydney to take sailing at the Great Barrier Reef. The trip promises to be fun, but as they were sailing north, the boat hits a rock that cuts through its floor, abruptly capsizing it. Warren, the sailor, is aware of the shark infested waters, and refuses to swim to the nearest Turtle Island before the boat has fully capsized. Luke (Damian Walshe-Howling), his friend Matt (Gyton Grantley) with gf Suzie (Adrienne Pickering), and Luke's former girlfriend Kate (Zoe Naylor) decide to swim together and brave the ocean. Will they survive the tumultuous seas?

Derivatively fashioned much like "Open Waters", Andrew Traucki's "The Reef" - aka "Shark Attack" - is a predictable suspense thriller that nevertheless inspires paranoia and ocean anxiety, despite its trite treatment of a shark's tale of horror. In fact, I jumped a few times in my seat way before the shark started its gastronomic offensive. Cinematography is adequately lush and camera movement is obstinate. But it's the ensemble performance that carries an otherwise "been there, done that" scenario".

Damian Walshe-Howling is the star of the Australian underworld drama, "Underbelly" for which he won a best supporting actor at the AFI Awards.

Zoe Naylor is a well loved Australian personality (she was in the porn chic Australian drama "Book of Revelation"). She acts, writes, hosts, and models.

Zoe Naylor

Faster – Of Bullets and Vengeance

Dwane Johnson returns as an action hero in George Tillman Jr.’s “Faster”.

Johnson plays Driver who, after several years of serving his sentence, comes out of prison an inimical character out to avenge the death of his brother. A few years ago, his brother and he figured in a heist that ended up getting double crossed by a separate band of thugs who stole their loot. In the process, they slit his brother’s throat and shot a bullet through Driver’s skull. He miraculously survived the incident, but served a prison term for their crime, while the ones who got their money run scott-free,

As a free man, he goes straight to retrieve a car and some supplies, and with a list of names on his hand, he figures on a no-holds-barred retribution that spanned for 3 days or so. But unknown to him, a couple of other guys are hot on Driver’s heels: a coccaine-addicted cop (Billy Bob Thornton) who practically begged his superiors to take on the case; and a psychotic hitman (Oliver Jackson-Cohen) who’s bored and needs the challenge of a rival worthy of his fatalistic acumen.

Johnson’s Driver is the archetypal 80’s action hero: when he crosses the streets, he doesn’t even care if vehicles are rushing through a busy highway. They all stop while he saunters off with a wooden stare straight ahead, sputtering words the way Schwarzenegger did with “Hasta la vista, Baby!” or “I’ll be back.”

Unfortunately, this doesn’t lend realism to the story. His face is pasted in every paper, and everytime the TV is on, a news comes out with webcam scenes of Driver’s carnage: no masks, no dodging, no discreet escape contrivances. Yet everytime he shows himself to his would-be victims, everyone asks who he is? Are they so idiotic they can’t even read the papers or watch the news (that seem to be blaring news flash about him) by the hour?

In several scenes, detectives discuss his case. They are aware that Driver carries a list of people for his manhunt, yet these people weren’t even forewarned or provided protection. Despite this, they all seemed to be expecting him, yet they weren’t intent to run for cover.

The side story on “The Killer” is baffling, but interesting nevertheless. He is this over achiever who has scaled summits, won sports events, and garnered riches from his astute mind (he was a tech wizard who sold a multi-million dollar IT business at a young age). Why he turns to a life of crime is conveniently overlooked, thus we can only infer is due to psychological instability. This is deftly played by British actor Oliver Jackson-Cohen who’s so good looking, his character was described by an on-looker to the police as “Beautiful... like a movie star!” In a scene where he’s doing yoga half-naked, while assuming the lotus position, he graciously rises from the floor, with two hands holding his weight. As his whole body turns upside down, feet still locked in the same lotus position, his hand confidently balances and carries the whole weight suspended in mid-air. This scene lasted for a couple of minutes, but it was so beautiful, I caught myself in awe. Acrobatic marvels like that don’t always come in slambang actioners like this.

That his bad-ass demeanor isn’t adequately explained in the story is a disservice to Mr. Jackson-Cohen’s other-worldly pulchritude.

As for Mr. Johnson, I have always liked his comic turns in the last few years. I am not so sure this action flick isn't a misstep.

Oliver Jackson-Cohen is up for a worthy opponent: someone who's "faster".

Oliver Jackson-Cohen: Dosen't he remind you of Jake Gyllenhaal... with the British accent!

Oliver Jackson-Cohen is 25, born from London, to designer Betty Jackson. He stands 6'3" and secured a place at the Lee Strasberg acting school. Before landing a major role for a TV series ("Lark Rise to Candleford"), he washed vases at a florist. He can wash my vases anytime. :->

Luke Perry is a Sinister Soul in "Upstairs"

Luke Perry is deglamorized in director Robert-Adrian Pejo's suspense thriller "Upstairs".

The movie is about a blind girl Grace (Kelly Harrison) who lives in a castle (well, she calls it an "estate" but with a tower on its facade, i'd pretty much call it a castle). A car accident left her blind while her parents died from it. Cash-strapped and alone, she decides to rent out a room. A handsome stranger, Ward Weaver (Luke Perry) turns up but she soon finds herself embroiled in a sinister game that will have her running for her life!

The location is attractive enough, giving Grace's condition an atmosphere of serious confinement or captivity. The story is supposed to take place in Michigan, but - as I've suspected earlier - they filmed this one in Germany. Berlin, to be exact. Thus, the grand "castle".

Though the associated epilogue had me dangling with its expeditious resolution, it was enough to rob me off some nap time. And how the years have been kind to the still-sexy Mr. Perry. There's a few more furrows and lines on his face, but a beautiful guy is hard to camouflage under a mischievous character!

Calling 911 for loud music makes a for an annoying blind woman.

Cash strapped, but she has $30,000 stashed in her drawer. Go figure.

Kelly Harrison

Luke Perry

When brooding is sexy.