Maryo J. delos Reyes' "The Unmarried Wife" - Lines That Make The World Tremble

If it seems like Angelica Panganiban's high wire act in this flick is analogous to being in a great movie, let's thank the heavens and attribute this to brilliance and insightful performance. In fact, this fantastic actress admits to finding her role easy. Opps! Slip of the tongue? She did say that in an interview.

To be fair, there are situations in the story of Maryo J. delos Reyes' "The Unmarried Wife" that's cunningly relatable. In fact, I texted a friend who reminded me of the protagonist's marital dilemma. But I am getting ahead of myself.

Ann Victorio (Angelica Panganiban) is a fairly successful advertising director of a "morally upright" firm whose battlecry is the rather hypocritical "We take care of families". She's just been promoted so Ann tries to spend her time proving it was her boss' best decision since mankind discovered Skype and viber. But let me backtrack a bit.

Geoff (Dingdong Dantes) met relationship-weary Ann over coffee. Her mother's a screwed up floozy (Irma Adlawan) who has affinity to bad boys and boytoys so most of Ann's growing up years were spent convincing herself she wouldn't end up like her mother. She was ready to brush off romance until Geoff offered her free coffee. After a zippy courtship, Ann falls for the handsome rascal - and they find themselves in a blissful marriage. A son follows thereafter.

Unfortunately, not all fairy tale romances end up with princesses riding into the sunset. Real life happens and we eventually make choices too far removed from lollipops, roses and cotton candy dreams. The busier Ann gets, the more sexually frustrated Geoff becomes - so he finds a way to remedy his needs. But Ann catches him in flagrante delicto. Trouble in paradise. What did you expect?

As if that weren't enough, Geoff does it again just when Ann was softening up her resolve. For awhile, I was enjoying Ann and the mistress' (Maricar Reyes) heated exchange at a cafe. That could be the highlight of this film. But not quite. Angelica really takes command all throughout.

Ann reminds Cristina (Reyes), "Nuknukan ka ng tanga at utu uto." The exchange was too delectable I was ready to see Amor Powers join the fray. She reasons why she wonn't even dare slap the lovely chef,"Ayokong madumihan ang kamay ko. Wala akong dalang panlinis." At this point, I was ready to tap my stilettos and cry, "Bravo!" Cristina was of course bragging about her "bedside manners" but no need to convince us, Maricar. We have "seen" exactly what you're capable of doing. Tee hee.

Ann eventually meets laidback guapito Bryan (Paulo Avelino) who refuses to talk about his own failed relationship. While others try to seek catharsis through a talkfest, our flawless Romeo just wants to love Ann - and be her knight in shining armor. But something's not quite right somehow.

What becomes of Ann's marriage? Will Bryan give her a new lease on love?  

The answers are Facebook status-worthy. Yup, they're complicated. In this rigodon of couplings, a demented lady suddenly emerges from nowhere - Louise (Denise Laurel) who breathes, scratches and screeches like a scorned dragoness. While I realize that this was designed as the story's excuse from predictable triteness, the narrative strain seemed too abrupt and flimsily written. In fact, Louise was unadulterated caricature. She even changes her mind as briskly as shooting stars blaze the sky.


UNSYMPATHETIC

It is rather hard to sympathize with Dingdong's character, to be honest. This is a father and husband who would rather hump on his working day. Come on. Sex is pleasurable but in the real world, there is a time for canoodling and a time to earn your keep. 

So while his wife is busy, there's a slew of productive activities to be had, not the least of which is putting his big hands to good use. Like playiing his organ? Or his piano? Or ukelele. Tee hee. Dingdong Dantes is more than competent, and even intermittently compelling, but his character is rather pre-ordained like a total jerk. When he finally declares that he will wait for "forever", I couldn't help but think, until the next itch comes along? Besides, calamine lotion is cheap noh. Go buy yourself a barrel.

Paulo Avelino's character seems like an afterthought, written like a narrative device used to shift plots. In fact, he only appears 38 minutes into the movie, then disappears again. He resurfaces a good 73 minutes later to fulfill his third wheel duties. Of course I don't mind seeing more of his gorgeous face, but his character could have been fuller.

This takes me back to Angelica Panganiban who transforms a cinematic circus act into a legitimate heroine worth rooting for. For this alone, she validates what could otherwise turn into a mawkish urban melodrama. She is cinematic magic personified.

LINES THAT MAKE YOU GO...

If you love funny, silly, insightful, memorable or just plain droll cinematic lines, there's a cadre of them here. Parloristas and gay beauty contestants, take note! 

Angelica to Dingdong: "Huwag mo akong gawing parausan kasi mawawalan ng silbi ang kabit mo!" Fierce, right? Which husband would want to shag someone as briery?

Dimples to Angelica re:annulment - "Baka hindi kumampi sa yo ang batas at ang mundo." International crime of arbitration? 

Angelica to Denise (when the former was accused of breaking up an already broken marriage) : "Hinihingi ko ang isang bagay na kailanman hindi hiningi ng mga kabit ng asawa ko." Sniff! Sniff!

Bing Pimentel to Angelica (talking as a new employer): "I firmly believe that we are more than our mistake!" Miss Universe Q&A ?

Finally, Martin Escudero delivers his indellible contribution: "Ginagawa nyo kaming mga emotional punching bag para sa mga hanash n'yo sa buhay."

If only for these quotes alone, you ought to bring your pompoms to your nearest cinema and get ready to cheer! Go!

Read our featured post on Cinema Bravo and why we sometimes hate Web Criticism:
- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html


#unmarriedwife   #angelicapanganiban   #dingdongdantes   #pauloavelino   #maricarreyes

Antoinette Jadaone's "Beauty in a Bottle" - In Pursuit of Beauty and Youth

Vilma (Assunta de Rossi) is a hotshot advertising creative director who has been in the business for 20 years.  When a new anti-aging product requires fresh ideas from progressive young minds, Vi's time-tested acumen is put to a test. Will she be as contemporary as brazen new rookie and younger colleague Tanya (Ellen Adarna) who's expected to clinch the Belo product? Her boss Santi (Carmi Martin) isn't promising her the account just yet.

Meanwhile, upcoming actress Estelle Suarez (Angelica Panganiban) is fighting a seemingly losing battle with the bulge. Her co-star Empress (Empress Schuck) is stealing the spotlight from her.

When Estelle is pitted against Empress for a lucrative product endorsement, it didn't even take the competition 5 minutes to clinch the deal. During Estelle's go-see/auditions, she is subjected to more embarrassment that reduced her to a shrinking mess. How will she grab the project from Empress' arrogant grasp?

Judith Madamba (Angeline Quinto) is an aggressive realtor, selling 10 units in six months. But her enterprising successes don't translate to her personal life. She's weighed down by issues of self-esteem. In fact, she feels she doesn't "fit" in the social circle of his boyfriend Pocholo's (Tom Rodriguez) wealthy family. She just wants to impress them so. In her sheer paranoia, she ends up making a fool of herself.  

Three disparate lives intersect in Antoinette Jadaone's rollicking "Beauty in a Bottle", a cinematic dissertation on people's penchant for physical beauty and corporeal perfection. While we aim to be paragons of pulchritude, we forget that we have limitations we need to embrace to be able to truly find happiness and contentment.

In brisk, effortless strides, the movie is both insightful and downright hilarious, reminiscent of the verve of Ishmael Bernal's "Working Girls" made 3 decades ago.

The movie is buoyed by its finger-snapping pace and exceptional performances from its zany cast, particularly Angelica Panganiban as the eternally insecure actress Estelle and Assunta de Rossi as the aging advertising executive Vilma. Panganiban's audition scene and her shooting sequences ("Come back to the young and beautiful you.") are nothing short of brilliant, and are testaments of Panganiban's indisputable versatility. Quite frankly, it's hard to think of someone else who can evenly shift from drama to comedy, with flying colors in both.

De Rossi displays impeccable comic delivery and timing as she rolls with the narrative punches. What have Assunta and Alessandra's parents been feeding the girls that turned these siblings into spectacular actresses, one wonders? Empress plays a deliciously scornful version of herself, and comes up with one the year's most illustrious cameos, the consummate rival to a magnificent Panganiban.

How did Angeline Quinto fare? Not so badly actually. Though visibly awkward in a few scenes, Quinto breezes through her role with wanton enthusiasm, valiant enough to take thespic risks. This, after all, isn't her forte. But with temperament written to suit her personality, it's hard to make a false move. This is Quinto's card to a legitimate acting career.

Framed by thoughtful "steps to attaining success" (Step 1 - Just say yes; Step 4.1 - Know your product; Step 10 - Research, research, research; Step 48 - Check on your competition; Step 28.1 - Be better than your competition; Step 39 - Savor your success), the movie percolates with winking charm and raillery. It is provocative, upbeat, and pokes fun on our misperceptions and insecurities. It allows scrutiny of our thoughts on beauty and youth. How far are we willing to pursue them? Do they guarantee success? Or happiness? The film also gathers some of contemporary cinema's most brilliant and dynamic artists: Chris Martinez, Whammy Alcazaren ("Islands", "Colossal"), Atty. Joji Alonso, and of course director Jadaone ("Six Degrees of Separation from Lilia Cuntapay").

This collaboration results into one of the year's most exuberantly exhilarating films. What's better? It screened to a good and receptive crowd. I like that. Great films deserve no less. This allows film makers to churn out more of quality cinema. As a paying audience, this is money well spent.

Gorgeous Tom plays Angeline's boyfriend Pocholo.

Dante Nico Garcia's Madaling Araw, Mahabang Gabi - Tales of the Drunken Stupor

Local residents and foreign visitors converge in a bar in Palawan’s Cuyo Island on the eve of All Soul’s Day. A band plays its raucous number as music slices through the lull of the night. The place comes alive when the bar owner’s daughter (Angelica Panganiban) arrives clearly inebriated, and offers every one free drinks. But wait, the town is also celebrating the feast of “Pangangaluluwa” (a traditional welcome to All Soul’s Day). The feast would have revelers move from house to house, singing verses that threaten to steal from the living and offer them to the dead (usually livestock like chicken, eggs, and even pigs). The bar owner’s daughter offers P10,000 - and herself for a night of pleasure - to the one who presents the best loot before the night is over. Every soul in the restaurant soon scatters around. This opens a venue to introduce a bevy of characters.

An aging father (Buboy Garovillo) teams up with a skeptical guitarist (Rocco Nacino) to steal and collect coconut crabs. But all the father desires is a guitar lesson – so he could impress his daughter. A French tourist (DJ David Callum) enlists the help of the waiter (Alchris Galura) to find the anonymous girl (Glaiza de Castro) with whom he’s had a one-night stand. A couple of dope heads (Kean Cipriano and Edgar Allan Guzman) bump into a sophisticated cougar (Cherie Gil) who’s rushing for her rendezvous with her lover, her best friend’s husband. An effete, but virginal waiter (Dominic Roco) runs after a group of customers who sneaks away from their bill – with the help of the band’s lead singer (Karel Marquez). A band member (Tutti Karingal) along with an Indian national (Eric Tai) decides to steal a valuable painting in a rural bank, disarming the security guard (Lou Veloso) in the process. Problem is, the painting is nowhere found. A disparaged Cosplayer (Bojong Fernandez) takes the likeness of anime’ personality Krisma to prove his worth to his gang (Regine Angeles, et.al.)

Director Dante Nico Garcia’s “Madaling Araw, Mahabang Gabi” is a cornucopia of situational sketches replete with extraneous narrative elements that are too disparate to piece together. Most of the strains are fashioned like tepid pseudo-comedies without commensurate punch lines. In fact, Garcia peppers his ouvre with loads of characters too eccentric to root for. He weaves them without much empathy. Like "kwentong lasing", these are easily discardable anecdotes with their unretentive preponderance. 

Angelica Panganiban, one of the industry's most prolific actresses, makes a grave career misstep, depicting herself like some beerhouse airhead hosting an episode of "Banana Split". The difference being: this one's several times morose and capricious. In fact, whoever fashions this like some high profile comedy deserves to be sent to some dungeon and locked 'til eternity. The unamusing strains remind me of Adolf Alix's "D' Survivors" where hilarity of situation is limited within the cast members. Let's not go far: the director's 2009 flick "Oh! My Girl! (A Laugh Story)" starring Judy Anne Santos and Ogie Alcasid was painfully ludicrous - and one of the decade's worst. Garcia just doesn't have the comedic flair - nor the insightful cinematic acumen that allows his movie goers to sit back and enjoy. He instead peppers his canvas with a dizzying array of  elements believing somehow that "more is better". He is able to gather a great number of stars who fails to parlay an iota of gravitas because... well, each of their narrative milieu is ridiculous.

Cherie Gil, for example, makes her career's most graceless and embarrassing cameo. Her scenes with Edgar Allan Guzman and Kean Cipriano have the augury akin to a pig sty. It was like a chapter straight out of a bad acting workshop exercise with personalities who couldn't generate chemistry nor a sense of authenticity. Likewise, Dominic Roco appears in one of his worst performances. His virginal gay waiter drips with cardboard caricature, and it doesn't help that his narrative strain with Karel Marquez is a cauldron of fallacy. Which waiter tells his customer, "Baka ma reprimand ka ng dad mo?" Huh? And in which universe do you get a line like, "Kaya ka bakla, kasi 'di ka pa nakakatikim ng babae?" You mean gay men should sleep with a woman first to corroborate the obvious? I'd have thought there were easier, albeit less painful ways of knowing for sure. Someone's overthinking the uncomplicated. Why did Karel and Dominic end up shagging each other? There was nothing in the narrative that could readily validate this twist. The list of these head scratchers are a plenty. And I've never seen these actors in their worst. What a waste!

Glaiza de Castro's story with the Frenchman was curiously more complete than the other stories. Yet in its form, we see the most glaring weakness of the writer. He fabricates melodrama crisscrossing serendipitous romance and tragedy. Why was it so hard to find Glaiza? It wasn't like she migrated to Sorbonne or Belize or somewhere exotic for the wandering Frenchman. All he had to do was retrace his itinerary. Go back to Sabang and ask the boatmen about this nameless girl. Surely, the one and only Vietnamese Restaurant in Vietville could have identified and located the girl who lived just a block away. And why nameless? Was it a secret, otherwise national security is put at risk? Search me. Was the Frenchman mute that he couldn't ask her name? More importantly, wasn't that miscarriage scene too unnaturally concocted? I thought I was daydreaming, watching a continuation of Coco Martin and Julia Montes' "Walang Hanggan".

"Madaling Araw, Mahabang Gabi" is as directionless as its busy poster, and as vague and unfocused as it's ambiguous title. For some strange conceit, Garcia won't even name his characters, further alienating his audience. How else does one relate to anonymous characters? Such ploy could have worked if your film making skill was sufficient; not when you're frittering away in your exposition. The writer and director badly needs a moment to contemplate career changes for his own good. Fielding ones' story with high profile names doesn't necessarily make a great movie - and this flick is a testament to that. 

Why are directors of GMA's "Survivor" reality show horrible film makers? Is it in their diet? Are they subconsciously programmed to be borderline directors? Or do the GMA executives have an affinity towards mediocre talent? 

The part where Bojong Fernandez dresses up into his favorite lady anime character was particularly agonizing. His psychobabble about dressing up and homosexual tendencies were mere ramblings of a scatterbrain with nothing worth saying. These diarrheic ideations were so expendable, you could have stricken out his character and lose nothing to move the film. All I could think of was how my cinema entrance could have been spent better as donation to a children's charity. Not like this. I wanted to scoop out the director, tie him upside down on a tree until he comes to his senses. Stay away from a movie camera. Do something more fruitful. Plant a sineguelas maybe. Volunteer to join the missionaries who travel to Djibouti. Anything but making movies. Do not waste the moviegoers' hard earned money. Please!

Inebriated

A religious girl falls under the spell of the wandering Frenchman.

A French traveler is looking for an anonymous girl. How can he not know her  name? She went  with him to visit the Underground River, not to mention their salubrious lay in the hay.

Karel Marquez and Dominic Roco play out their invalid situational discourse. Unfortunately, not a single moment was credible.

Kean flirts with Cherie where the latter is looked down (by Edgar Allan Guzman) like some shriveled prune.

Bojong Fernandez hams it up: "Hindi ako bakla!"

Posing for posterity.

Angelica Panganiban

Cherie Gil's career embarrassment

Glaiza de Castro

Rocco Nacino plays the homophobic guitar player

David Callum

DJ and model David Callum plays a wandering Frenchman

Regine Angeles

Dominic Roco

Every Breath You Take - Into Disparate Paths

After a visit with her obstetrician, Majoy (Angelica Panganiban) realizes that she needs to fast track her romantic proclivities. Her only viable ovary is nearing expiration and needs to fulfill its physiologic raison d’etre. How urgent? “As in now na!” asserts the doctor. That is, if she wanted a child of her own. But sweet and gullible Majoy is hopelessly single. She, in fact, is a virgin who believes that a man out there is meant for her, and he will come with a few serendipitous signs – there would be roses; and rain; there would be bells ringing and angels singing. But Majoy’s only ardent suitor is the exceedingly enthusiastic Ji Soon (Ryan Bang). Unfortunately, Ji Soon doesn’t come with signs. Moreover, the Korean lothario doesn’t captivate her.

One day, she meets Leo (Piolo Pascual). And like a twist of fate, the signs come dashing like a clamorous parade. Leo, a cavalier realtor, is Majoy’s ultimate contradiction. He abhors rules, fawns over no ladies, and scoffs at emotional devoir. He parties hard, but works even harder. But little does Majoy know that her Casanova is a scarred soul who vowed never to be manipulated by the Machiavellian wiles of deceitful women – the way his father (Lito Legaspi) was deserted by his mother who left the family for another man. This doesn’t keep Leo from casual hook ups with frisky girls who couldn’t resist his boyish, devilish charm.

When Majoy sets her sights on Leo, she knew he was the one – and it isn’t beyond her to pursue him. Wouldn’t you if you believed he was “the one”? Wouldn’t you if, more importantly, he looked like Piolo Pascual? Duh! Let’s kick the self preservation bucket out of the window and lasso this abs-riddled gentleman – pronto! Majoy follows him to his gym, befriends his secretary, leaves him pastillas, tracks him to his favorite restaurants; heck, she even answers his secretary’s phone! Unfortunately, getting his attention isn’t as easy as dogging him around. Majoy’s romantic reconnaissance is hampered by several road blocks: Leo is at the brink of a promotion and his rival Mario (Ryan Eigenmann) is pulling all the stops to outdo our protagonist; Leo is being pursued by the relatives of a love-crazy fling Dianne (Wendy Valdez) who wants him standing before the altar beside her – by hook or by crook! Then there’s the salient detail of a familial history of heartbreak. What’s a girl to do?

Angelica Panganiban stars in her first romantic lead, a reliable indicator that a mainstream actor has “arrived”. After all, what is a “bida” who doesn’t fall in and out of love right before the eyes of a thrilled audience? Panganiban’s Majoy is deftly and richly limned into a full character: naïve but determined; shy but generous. Though these adjectives dispute each other, thanks to Panganiban’s nuanced interpretation, she makes Majoy fly with utter sincerity and pizzazz. It is hard not to empathize with her – even when (at times) the writing gets too manic.

Angelica enjoys several showcases like when she asks Leo, “Ano ba ang ibig sabihin ng gullible?”- or the scene at the police station when she tries to relay the events at the park with the masked gunman.  

Piolo Pascual effectively pulls out his charm offensive. He reminds us how he once won us as Vince in Joyce Bernal’s “Don’t Give Up On Us” (opposite the equally adorable Judy Anne Santos). He is made of masculine beauty that others can only dream of, regardless of his sexual preference. The sad thing is, Leo Dimalanta isn’t as intricately threshed out a character as Majoy’s. In fact, if he shunned women from the get-go, why does he date so many? He went out with loopy Dianne (Wendy Valdez) several times, yet he kept forgetting her name. Surely, you would remember that particularly clingy, obsessive girl, wouldn’t you? Or was he immune to her John Hinckley tendencies? (She threatened to jump off the roof, etc.)  

Ryan Bang plays Majoy’s passionate Korean suitor Ji Soon who wouldn’t give up his love for the willful Majoy who had set her sight on Leo; a proverbial “Mahal Kita, Mahal Mo Siya, Mahal Nya ay Iba” scenario (except that Leo more befittingly loved himself). Bang gets a more than decent screen time, thus he was able to showcase an unexpected knack for comedy. What’s with the Korean “Krung Krung  Syndrome” that has audiences fall for the likes of Sandara Park and, this time, Ryan Bang? Ryan successfully translates his small screen humor with dry wit, a precise comic timing and tongue in cheek delivery that had me laughing in stitches even as I write this. Like when he complained about Smokey Manaloto’s car (“Ang bagal ng kotse mo eh.”) – and then again when he calls the police for help (“Hello, pulis? Punta kayo kay Majoy. May papatay kay Leo!”) The lines don’t even tickle the funny bone when you think about it. It’s Ryan’s delivery that’s spot on. Maybe he got his comic cadence from his turns in “It’s Showtime” and “Banana Split”. Surely, he wasn’t this funny in “PBB Teen Edition”.  

While the first third of the movie is a compelling build up of characters (Majoy especially), the second third sluggishly meanders into contrived theatricals. At its last third, the movie shifts gears and turns into a protracted gag show. It’s easy to see they suddenly wanted a Wenn Deramas-finish. The situations arch over different players: jealous rival Mario (Ryan Eigenmann) chases after the wrong guy (Ketchup Eusebio); Dianne’s father (Manaloto) and her brothers (Carlos Agassi and Joross Gamboa) go berserk and hound Leo to get him to marry their hysterical sister Dianne at gunpoint; Majoy discerns her follies and gets her little heart broken. The uneasy divergent pathways lead into a muddled narrative whole that doesn’t quite sweep us off our feet as a romantic drama nor take us rolling down the floor with laughter. It’s a middling vehicle that has laid the ground work for a particular genre - romance - but inconveniently ended with a different one – comedy!

While this isn’t as bad as the last 6 Wenn Deramas films, Director Mae Czarina Cruz's vehicle isn’t all that good either. It hangs in mid-air acceptability and doesn’t quite land on its feet to provide solid entertainment.

Ryan Bang: Unexpectedly hilarious!

Angelica Panganiban and Piolo Pascual as Majoy and Leo

Angelica Panganiban: Easily shifts from drama to comedy!

Piolo Pascual as Leo

Piolo Pascual

Angelica Panganiban

Wendy Valdez

Ryan Bang and the Krung Krung Syndrome

Bulong - Tepid Scares and Scanty Chuckles

I was quite disappointed with Chito Rono’s unseemly marriage of horror and comedy which seems like a novel idea to begin with. It postulates on the idea that if you whisper a wish on a newly departed soul, your wish will come true. The theory rests on the idea that these itinerant souls may convey your wishes to the afterlife!

Conan (Vhong Navarro) is banking on this superstition to summon the affections of an affable nurse Ellen (Bangs Garcia) at the hospital where he works as an orderly. Matters turn to worse when he finds Ellen in tender embrace with resident physician Doc Randy (Jon Avila). Conan feels he has to expedite the dubious rite. With the help of his childhood friend Oprah (Angelica Panganiban), he attends a wake and soon finds himself whispering to the dead. But nothing is happening. When he gives Oprah a kiss, she reciprocates with a magnanimous slap. Why wasn’t it working? The reason? The deceased was deaf when she was alive, thus a jejune outcome. (Did you laugh?) One night, a drunken Conan witnesses a road accident involving an old woman, Lola Paula. While waiting for help, she expires – and Conan gets a second chance to whisper to the dead.

A day after, triumphant Conan finds Ellen throwing herself lustfully towards him. Life is turning over into an enchanting chapter for Conan, but suddenly, Lola Paula’s ghost begins to haunt him. He learns that he whispered on a mangkukulam – a witch (played by Angie Ferro) who unwittingly cast a fatal spell on her own daughter (Sylvia Sanchez) and grandchild (Neri Naig as Lala). But wait, Conan and Oprah could still save Lala, right? How can they break the spell? This takes them to far away Bohol to battle the dark forces borne out of a spell.

If you are following me so far, it becomes clear that the title is erroneous, as it wasn’t the “Bulong” (whisper) that made things go bump in the night, but whispering on a dead and conflicted witch! Thus, “Kulam” would be its rightful title.

Vhong Navarro does his best to carry this discordant genre-busting flick on his scrawny shoulders with ease and charm, but it is far from the chortles borne out of great comedies. In fact, several of the gags fall flat, and even Angelica Panganiban’s masterful comic timing fails to lend its brilliance here. As Oprah, Panganiban is an inconsequential character that can be stricken off the cast without the premise tumbling down. But you have to remember, this is a Chito Rono film – who hasn’t done a lot of mediocre work! Where did it go wrong?

For one, some of the characters waver in their committment to hybrid laughter and terror. Ruben Gonzaga (PBB’s grand winner) is neither funny nor scary as Conan’s hunchback cousin Simon. Our favorite extra, Melanie Dujunco – the queen of the overeager, and one of 2010’s worst actresses for her scene-stealing role in “Emir” – manifests her hammy self once again as a nurse. If you think we are picking on her, check out the scene where she was told to call security. Dujunco, in her healthy demeanor, then shrieks, “Wala na tayong security!” We heard someone from the back saying, “Ang OA naman!” Once again, in ways where she feels this was going to be her penultimate, Famas’ Best Extra Award-winning scene! Why Rono would keep employing a sore thumb-stickler like Dujunco is beyond us! Can’t act – and isn’t even easy on the eye to at least parry the blows of her thespic inanity!

When Conan visits a narcoleptic “manghuhula” (clairvoyant), she asks him what he was there for. He replies with a sardonic, “Eh di hulaan n’yo.” (Did you laugh this time?) There are confounding scenes here; scenes that belong to a different movie: A hotel concierge wearing a giant Tarsier mask, and a couple of Korean tourists suddenly turning into zombies engaged in tag-you’re-it “habulan” with Conan and Oprah. Upon reaching Bohol, they found the disgruntled family of the witch, all named Lala, Lily and their Lolo. “Ma-L pala kayong lahat,” quips Conan. (Did you laugh again?) Other gags are just too random to believe this is a script written by Roy Iglesias: “Sinong artista ang maraming ngipin?” Reply: “Si Ma-teeth (de Leon.)" "Sinong artista ang mas maraming ngipin? Reply: "Eh di si Edgar Mor-teeth!” As if that wasn’t enough: “Sinong artista ang isa lang ang ngipin?” Reply: “Vilma Isan-tooth” Having fun so far?

Which reminds me, I shouldn’t have missed my orthodontist’s appointment had I known this was gonna be too flimsy both as comedy or horror.

Vhong Navarro is a funny man, and he deserves every accolade he has been receiving as one of our naturally funny comedians. But even great comedians can’t do much with a material as ill-conceived as “Bulong”.

You can’t make cinematic magic out of knee-jerk wisecracks or peremptory creepy tales. Not when you can’t even justify your title.

P.S. "Bulong" is rated B by those droll trolls at the Cinema Evaluations Board (C.E.B.), some of the most enterprising group of individuals in the land who patronize their friends more than great movies.