G.A. Villafuerte's Id'nal (Mapusok) - Fragments of Gibberish Confusion

It’s a roll call: Kenneth Jimenez, Glenn Katigbak, Kenjie Samonte, Bernard Osorio, Jacko Melendrez, Reggie Chua, Mark Samonte, et.al. These were just some of the names that populate the alternate universe of GA Villafuerte’s “Id’nal (Mapusok)”. Such thoughtful provision of complete names of characters would have you thinking that this was a scholarly dissertation about troubled relationships; a thoughtful traipse on infidelity - of epic proportion; with carefully limned characters in insightfully threshed out vignettes. But such attention to detail was sadly limited to these names – nothing more! They conveniently slept through most of the film making process, occasionally waking up for the belabored and passionless sex scenes.

“God-awful” – Now there’s a compound term that appropriately befits this cinematic vomitus!

Eirik Cruz and Anton Nolasco as lovers Kenneth Jimenez and Glenn Katigbak


Blink and you'll miss their resplendent cameos! Yet each of them have individual posters for "Id'nal". Any one who didn't get a poster was a joke? :)

CAPSULE

Kenneth (Eirik Cruz) is a college professor while Glenn (Anton Nolasco) is a med rep (a drug salesman). The two seemingly contrasting personalities nurture a relationship as they live together in absolute disharmony. While Glenn craves for Kenneth’s attention, Kenneth is dismissive and (though mild mannered and mostly conciliatory) never offers Glenn the time of the day – or night! This frustrates Glenn no end so he indulges his sexual impulses by mollycoddling with his masseur Jacko (TJ Morello) and a bevy of anonymous guys (even that guy who stopped him from jumping off a bridge, you better believe it). Kenneth, on the other hand, diligently tends to the needs of Kenjie (Orlando Sol) who’s eternally needy and indigent – kinda like what a sugar daddy does with his ward. Curiously, we don’t find any hint of romantic affection between Kenneth and Kenjie so why the clandestine rendezvous, or the you-and-me-against-mama scenario? This baffles.

Glenn gets exceedingly disheartened. Why isn’t he able to tinker Kenneth’s bells anymore? Is Kenneth getting tintinnabulated by others? Horrors! We ought to call the fireman and cool Glenn down, pronto! One day, Glenn catches Kenneth and Kenjie in tight embrace. The latter is in dire need of Kenneth’s boundless emotional appropriation: “Nag away na naman kami ni Nanay eh,” Kenjie laments, then they hug and caress each other’s trapezius muscles, not to mention that pulsating, if hypertrophied latissimus dorsi. Those darn tight, toned muscles that twitch involuntarily calm their emotional core, you know.

Upon seeing Kenneth and Kenjie snuggle, Glenn conflagrates like the spurned matron. “Ang kakapal talaga! Dito pa!” Glenn confronts the embracing couple and further adds, “Porke ba mas malaki ang titi nya kesa sa akin?” Ouch! I seriously felt sorry for Glenn. My eyes were beginning to well up! Oh heavens, help me! I didn’t know this was a 5-hanky flick! But if you've been observing Anton Nolasco’s sojourn into Pink Cinema, there’s tangible pictographic evidence (in a hundred and one shower scenes) that his appendageal attributes aren’t as modest as he makes us believe. Kenjie’s must then be a venomous cobra? Weeh!

Eirik Cruz and Anton Nolasco

Director GA Villafuerte is as confused – and pedestrian - as ever. His last film “Bahid” might as well be a masterpiece compared to this one. The story is a glorified series of narrative fragments; the strains don’t articulate in manner or form. The biggest question would be: Why do Kenneth and Glenn even bother staying together? They don’t have anything in common; they can’t converse like ordinary human beings; they don’t share even a meal together. Their coupling hails from a drugged out imagination. This might as well have a Shakespearean title: “Much Ado About Nothing”!

Eirik Cruz stars in his first cinematic salvo (His "Bunso" is yet to be screened commercially.) He surely satisfies the “artistahin” criteria unlike most Pink Film studs. He speaks well, be it English or the vernacular, but he mitigates his deliveries with careful, albeit studied elocution, giving a perception of naturalness. He succeeds in some; other times, he comes off like someone cajoling a mentally deficient individual. When he is finally given lines bearing emotional disquiet, this is where he struggles - painfully. His arms act up, flailing awkwardly to his sides and elsewhere, and his face contorts disturbingly. Noobs ought to be guided by insightful director, something that’s not in this production. Yes, Elvis has left the building! With experience and better projects, good looking Cruz just might turn out to be a reliable character actor.

Anton Nolasco, on the other hand, is scaling artistic hurdles of greater magnitude. The character of a wayward Glenn could have showcased his artistry. Unfortunately, like his director, Nolasco mistakes acting in the form of incessant frowns and interminable disgust. He’s eternally angry, even after coitus! You’d wish someone could give him a sedative so he relaxes a bit. What’s worse, when he finally confronts his lover, his effete tendencies flourish like the pink marmalades on a summery Sunday morning!

Mygz Molino (playing Kenneth’s brother Kyro) who’s prominently displayed and billed in the theatrical poster appears for 10 seconds or thereabout. Doing what? Texting and tinkering with his laptop. Then he fades into oblivion. Maybe he gets better exposure in an upcoming film called “Mestizo: A Beautiful Boy” where every guy looks grim and ashen faced; the Pinoy brothers of Edward Cullens. Maybe “Mestizo” is the Pink version of those blood suckers? Why then are they so pale? Iron deficiency anemia? Unless it isn’t blood they’re intent on sucking. J

Eirik Cruz

BEFUDDLING

There are several side stories that muddle the already befuddling narrative: there's Glenn's fractious "rape" by a gang of street urchins (ano yun?); Kenneth’s co-teacher Bernard (Miguel Alcantara) has daydreams (or was that a memory?) of him and Kenneth going at it. Meanwhile, one of his students make a surprising visit in school. Together, they paint the toilet err... “red”? Confused already? Don't worry! It's not you! It gets ridiculous because they could have discarded Bernard's character altogether, and it wouldn’t have made a difference. In fact, while we’re on the subject, they could have discarded THIS movie altogether too!

What’s more painful for the expectant crowd was the sanitized scenes. The production circulated the fact that this was rated X by the MTRCB. They were so proud of that! Meanwhile, the impressionable public expected genitalia galore! Did this segment of the pink public even understand what an X-rating meant? It bluntly meant that there could not be a commercial showing unless they get rid of penises! And to the half a dozen anonymous messages I received complaining about “Id’nal” – even before I reviewed it here – PLEASE direct your complaints to the production outfit! It is clear I am not in any way connected with them – heaven forbid!

Here's a funny thing about "Id'nal". In its desperate bid for promotion, they have made a hundred and one posters, utilizing every forgettable actor doing cameo in the film. Heck they even have a poster of Lloyd Khal Santos who played a doctor for 4 seconds; of Karl Tiuseco who portrayed as one of Kenneth's friends. It's too bad I wasn't in the flick or I'd have gotten my very own blushing theatrical poster! Darn!

While the story furtively seeks its conclusion, the film resorts to a “5 years later” tack. It shows Kenneth (who teaches “English proficiency” and “phonetics” – with mysterious mathematical equation and formulas written on his board – go figure!) looking the same and wearing exactly the same thick-rimmed glasses. Dorian Gray anyone? How well preserved he is, I was amazed. The camera pans to his class – and even the students in attendance were the very same faces who studied there 5 years ago! Will these students ever graduate? Or were they permanent fixtures from here to eternity? Hmmm. Maybe this was de javu? Maybe there’s English 101 in Medicine? Or Law? Or Rocket Science?

Anton Nolasco

Orlando Sol

Tiyo Pablo - Naughty Uncle on Spotlight in Another Amateur Show

When Cedes’ husband succumbs to lung cancer, she is left with three sons Daniel (Anton Nolasco), Rodel (Josh Patrick) and Carlo (Walter Navarro); and an eccentric nephew Sam (Jersey Milano). More importantly, her finances are nil. Daniel and Rodel had to quit school while their mother (Carla Varga) is finding ways to earn a living. On the side, Daniel is forced into concupiscent tricks to help out with the grieving family’s escalating bills. But a year after their father’s death, Pablo (Martin Cortes), a relatively young auto mechanic, is pursuing the middle aged widow. But to Cedes’ sons, the arrangement feels spurious. After all, Pablo is just Daniel’s age. And Cedes is “nearing forty” (I was sure it was 50s).

The mismatched couple eventually “gets married” despite Cedes’ wards’ defiant protests. But something about Tiyo Pablo, the young uncle, unnerves the boys. He sneaks in the middle of the night peeping from doors while Daniel gets lost in the reverie of his refreshing shower. And Sam catches him en flagrante delicto.

Was the misbehaving uncle simply caught in a frivolous moment? Would he overstep more boundaries? What happens when he finds himself inside the sleeping boys’ room?

Carlo, Cedes, Rodel, Sam and Daniel share a cathartic moment.

If you think the people, the places, and the narrative arc seem familiar, it’s because this “work” comes from the same people who shamelessly brought us the baffling “Masikip sa Tatlo”. Even the visual affectations are similar: you find Anton Nolasco soaping away in the bathroom while the camera pans his backside – twice! – and that’s been done before in “Masikip sa Tatlo”. Though director Edz Espiritu is just on his sophomore effort, he has unfortunately run out of fresh ideas to share. He echoes himself with redundant themes of forbidden love, replete with dissonant sound played throughout the story like suggestions of an impending doom.

Once again, there’s discordance not just of situations, but of text as well. Cedes, the mother, is quick to suggest that his sons stop schooling due to their tight finances, but she’s adamant in renting out the extra room in their house. She reasons, “Baka di pumayag ang asawa ko,” who, by the way, has been buried 6 feet below the ground. She would rather sell turon and kuchinta around town than take in an income-generating boarder. In another scene, after a hot day out with the boys, Cedes sits at the living room chair and tells Sam, “Linisin mo na ang sarili.” Like he’s some inanimate object, or a robot maybe. I dunno about you, but normal conversation would say, “Maligo ka na.” Another scene: While Daniel bathes (again), Tiyo Pablo suddenly barges inside to borrow soap. Though it has been established that Pablo has a sour relationship with Cedes’ irate sons, when Pablo grabs Daniel’s joystick, the latter doesn’t even turn away. How convenient, right? In another blood curdling bed scene between Cedes and her young hubby Pablo, we see the wrinkly cougar slithering away in orgasmic bliss – bejeweled, fully clothed and fully made up while her consort sports a bulging briefs and nothing else.

I am not exactly sure why these obvious kinks aren’t ironed out. There are several things worth trying to avoid problems like these. A story conference, a discussion of the narrative, will easily tune up the awkward segments – and it won’t even cost a thing! An hour of discussion helps a lot! And I do seriously suggest that these floundering script writers and directors do this basic step. Stop being high and mighty when you’re planning on getting your work exhibited in commercial theaters. Do not punish your audience with these insipid, remediable mistakes that will ultimately reflect on your weaknesses. To be fair about it, “Tiyo Pablo” is a technically “cleaner” work than the annoying “Masikip sa Tatlo”. But it’s still immoral to practice your diddly film making skills on a paying audience.

It's just not right!

Winston Gonzales helps himself with the cash-strapped Anton Nolasco.

Tiyo Pablo loves to fiddle when the boys are asleep.

A voyeur gets caught!

Day of reckoning between Daniel and Tiyo Pablo.

Tiyo Pablo warns the bumbling Sam not to tell.

Anton Nolasco loves to bathe.

Masikip sa Tatlo - Clueless Experiments in Pink

To say that a movie like “Masikip sa Tatlo” is an experimental film is to highlight the production’s grave ignorance and misunderstanding of what one truly is. It’s not even the active oppositional stance on mainstream cinema, i.e. taking film language into non sequitur. It is the gibberish cluelessness of its producers, actors, script writer and director Edz Espiritu. The worse thing about this is the high minded impression that they are actually making art when all they have is a grade school pad paper with the crayon sketchings of a toddler.

EXPERIMENTAL FILMS

In a more solid form, what is an experimental film? Think Luis Bunuel and Salvador Dali’s “Un Chien Andalou” (Andalusian Dog) which should rightfully be explored in this blog very soon. The boxed concept of an Experimental Film is as follows: it has a nonlinear narrative, an abstract story telling employing cinematographic experiments (out of focus, animation) and rapid editing. Sound could be asynchronous – and much of what unfolds on screen is of non-diegetic nature. In short, the audience is given active participation to unravel the narrative, instead of the usual spoonfeeding that goes along with mainstream cinema. The aforementioned parameters, however, are hardly satisfied in Edz Espiritu’s “Masikip sa Tatlo” – which proudly labels itself as an “experimental Film by (producer) Flor Ignacio”.

This scene provides the only raison d'etre of this movie. Anton Nolasco soaping away.

Pimply nubile Josh Patrick.

Capsule

Sandy (Jersey Milano) and Reynante (Anton Nolasco) are a couple of call center agents living in sexual harmony. Their ramshackle space is inconsequential to their conjugal bliss. Sandy cooks breakfast like a contented “wife”, while Reynante comes home bearing gifts. A happy home indeed.

One day, Reynante gets a distress call from Miguel (Josh Patrick), a masseur from his not so distant past. Miguel's massage clinic has been closed down and he is left unemployed – and homeless. Though initially reluctant, Reynante eventually takes Miguel home with him. “Naiilang ako sa kanya,” complains Sandy, but the visitor nonetheless gets to sleep on the couch at the living room. However, Reynante finds nubile and pimply faced Miguel irresistible. He is lured into flirtatious banters and a hundred lip action with their youthful guest. We all know that when recklessly playing with fire, someone is bound to get burned. And suffering Sandy is getting all the singes. What’s a guy to do?

MOST ANNOYING MOVIES

In what should be one of the most annoying movies to ever test our patience, “Masikip sa Tatlo” has delusions of dramatic pertinence, though its lopsided ministrations reveal there isn’t much common sense from the story teller. Script (by Paul Singh Sudail) leaves much to be desired, and has a habit of repeating itself to mimic a conversation.

Reynante: “Ayoko na sa call center. Burn out na ako.”

Sandy: “Ayaw mo ba talaga sa call center?”

***

Reynante: “May iba na ako.”

Miguel: “Eh ano ngayon kung may iba ka na. Ikaw naman ang pakikisamahan ko.” (Which clues you in on how idiotic these creatures are. Being in a relationship means staying away from others. Duh!)

***

Reynante to visitor Miguel: “Di ko alam kung hanggang kalian tayo ganito. Kung hanggang bukas o isang lingo o isang buwan. Ang importante eh kasama tayo.” (And you’d think this was a dramatic epic a la “Gone with the Wind”.)

Simply put, the musings of these characters are too far removed from what we otherwise know as reality. Check this out: Once Sandy starts getting the intuition that he’s being taken for a ride, and his suspicions point to Reynante and Miguel fiddling each other’s joysticks, he’s actually caught them several times:

1. He comes home from work to find Reynante and Miguel asleep beside each other half naked – in their “conjugal bed”. As a consequence, he cooks breakfast by cutting the egg into pieces. LOL;

2. He wakes up from his drunken stupor with Reynante not beside him. He finds Reynante French kissing Miguel in the living room, while Miguel’s hand reaches under Reynante’s shorts, mashing away the family jewels, effusively checking out his pearls and a magic wand. Talk about catching the thief in flagrante delicto, right? But Sandy doesn’t move to the next level of realization. He remains suspicious. Hahaha!

3. Sandy comes home to find Miguel sleeping (again!) on their bed. He looks for Reynante and finds the latter bathing. The next thing he witnesses is even funnier than, say Sharon Cuneta’s authentic Truth-in-Advertisement Marie France billboards up in Edsa (I recently saw it and I got disoriented, I almost asked my driver to pull over so I could recover from my shock). Now back to Sandy, he finds Miguel urinating, while Reynante is indiscreetly gazing as the urine stream flows through – up close and personal, as they say! For the umpteenth time, Sandy remains suspicious! (Ohgawd! Spare me from utter stupidity!)

At this point, Sandy gathers enough courage to errr… internalize. He locks himself in the bathroom. And then, we witness the most heart shattering emotional breakdown, caught on cam in soaring emotional plateau - yes, plateau. This went on for 5 minutes. He sobs, he shouts, he grunts, he abuses the walls, then he calms down. But wait, he isn’t done! The music shifts to “What Matters Most” (the most popular go-to dramatic theme for Pinoy B-movies, heard recently in “Haliparot - Mana sa Ina”), and Sandy goes wailing - sans tears - and huffing again, plastering his face hard against the grimy bathroom tiles, as he gradually lay down the mildewy bathroom floor. Talk about artistic commitment, right? But wait, he still isn’t entirely convinced of his lover’s infidelity. Despite the numerous situations we’ve mentioned, he remains suspicious! The dweeb!

One day, he comes home to find Reynante and Miguel enjoying light banter – no kissing, no canoodling, no mashing of genitalia – just light heartedly laughter. And like a lit flashbulb, he finally gets cognizance.

Now comes the next gratingly distressful 20 minutes. They slap each other. Reynante bawls, “Mag usap tayo.” "Nilinlang ninyo ako," counters Sandy. Miguelito leaves, "Magtatanim na lang ako ng palay sa Tarlac!". And Sandy gets another moment to perturb us with his hollow, but physically laborious theatrics. I had to control myself from hurling my popcorn and large coke to the screen! My patience has never been tested this much since Mark Shandii Bacolod’s “Fidel” (who’s coming out with another spine tingling shenaningan called “Donor” - so brace yourselves)!

REASON FOR BEING

Since this is marketed as a Pink Film (the poster is a no-brainer), the film has fielded Anton Nolasco, a veteran of male bikini pageants, to the hungry and libidinous 3^rd sex audience. And he gamely shares his endowments in a 15 minute bathing scene we’ve witnessed several times last year in movies like “Lagpas”. While bathing, Anton stands in the usual oblique position (halfway between side view and back view), but as the camera lovingly pans his well sculpted dishabille, he intermittently flips around for the requisite peekaboo. And even if you closed your eyes for 10 seconds, he will make sure his mushroom seen! LOL. He even faces the cam and turns the other side. And do you really wonder if this isn't the raison d’etre of a film like “Masikip sa Tatlo”. I swear they could have ended it there and 90% of its audience wouldn't have complained! ;-> (And the scene appears in the first 20 minutes of the movie.)

CRISALDO PABLO'S LEGACY

Crisaldo Pablo’s legacy of fielding unattractive leads is slowly but surely creeping through this maudlin industry. These days, it is enough that guys with enviable physique get to star in low budget potboilers. Forget the “mukhang artista” mentality. As long as someone shows penis, then you have a movie! Pablo’s aesthetics have made it acceptable to scrape bottom.

That Producer Flor A. Ignacio is proud to call it an “experimental Film” (note the small e and capital F) is really a disservice to the likes of Bunuel, Dali, even Peter Greenaway. Or has the criteria changed since it is Pinoy lang?

For making me pay P160 to watch a painfully annoying drivel like this, I shall dedicate my next vomitus to its director!

Anton Nolasco (above and below)