Make Me Blush: Honey Lopez

Glenn (Walter Arenio) takes his friend Marco (Alvin Duckert) to the back roads of a remote town to visit his friend Nardo (TJ Morello). Upon arrival, the Manila lads learn that Barangay Masukal is a longer hike deeper into the woods – and tricycles refuse to go further. On their way to Nardo’s hut, Marco sees a bevy of scantily clad girls (“Labas ang suso”, he eagerly tells Glenn) bathing at the stream. But Glenn is in a hurry, “Baka abutan tayo ng tanghali.” The guys eventually find Nardo’s hut – in the dead of night! At the dinner table, Marco asks Nardo if nymphas really do exist in these woodlands. That night, inebriated Glenn disappears, only to be found in the morning enjoying the cool waters of the river. Glenn unexpectedly gets a visit from two girls who join him. Meanwhile, Marco meets Karen (Mia Henares) who whispers, ”Hayaan mong paligayahin kita,” then swiftly disappears from his sight. Later that day, they’re warned against the pesky nymphas.

The day after, Berting (Chubi Manalo), a young neighbor rushes to inform Nardo that their friend Carding (Bench dela Torre) is found dead, with a white flower beside his naked body. Their suspect: the nymphas. In another part of the woods, a bevy of girls wrapped in white loin cloth gather around each other, chanting a dissonant hymn. Cecilia (Adriana Gomez), the supreme leader of the group, announces that she has chosen Rosario (Honey Lopez) as her successor who would then inherit her powers. Karen shows her displeasure and storms out. Wasn't Rosario last seen teasing Carding to his hut?

That night, Glenn goes missing – again! Marco and Nardo scamper to find him before it’s too late. They find him being sexually manipulated, seemingly lost in the chagrin of the nubile nymphs. The ritual was on-going; the boob-baring girls were chanting gibberish – a really messy incantation, swaying their bodies with discrepant hand movements. Will they get Glenn back before it’s all too late? Will Glenn suffer the fate of Carding?

A walk into the woods.

"Pare, may mga chicks. Labas ang suso," remarks Marco when he sees bathing nymphas.

In 2010, a local film was released on video called “Sa Piling ng mga Nympha” topbilled by Charles Delgado and directed by Chris Reyes. What’s more surprising - 90% of this flick mirrors Director G.A. Villafuerte’s “Ang Lihim ng mga Nympha” shown April this year – the plot, the scenes, the lines, the setting, etc. Some similar scenes include: Charles reaches the woodland on a tricycle. When the driver was asked for Charles’ exact destination, the former replied, “Di na ako puwedeng tumuloy. Delikado na dito.” Another scene: a group of bare breasted nymphs were spotted by Charles bathing by the stream. Even casting is diligently inspired by the original: Since the 2010 version has an African-Asian girl in the cast, Villafuerte’s version hires an African-Pinay named Sarah Obama (who plays Estela) to complete the "copying". There are more “copies” found in “Lihim...” Yet you don’t find attribution to the original movie.

Now here’s the funnier fact: While 2010’s “Sa Piling ng mga Nympha” was moderately watchable, 2012’s “Lihim ng mga Nympha” turns out a film making atrocity. Everything about this “re-telling” is inferior to the original: performances, plot twists, technicals (exceedingly horrible sound: you couldn’t hear anything from conversations), etc. In fact, I was surprised to find a competent Winston de Dios in the original version. His part had some degree of difficulty (he was running amok because his wife was abducted by the nymphs). De Dios turned mediocre once handled by exploitative directors Lucas Mercado (“Rigodon”) and Paul Singh Cudail (“Sulot”). Why is "Ang Lihim..." a lot worse than the original? Why "remake" a relatively new flick (2010)? Who told Villafuerte he could write anything decent - or that he could direct anything outside a children's play? More importantly, who gave him permission to debase better films, turn them into cinematic scraps, then call them his? Questions abound.

NATURE OF NYMPHS

“Nymphas”, in this film, is a neologism of sort. The term is a Tagalized version of "nymphs". But these entities aren't even part of Philippine mythical creatures. What are these creatures? Nymphs originated from Greek mythology. They aren’t goddesses, but minor female nature deities associated with a particular location (sea, land, wood, celestial and underground). They are “divine spirits” who dwell and guard their natural habitat. Depicted as beautiful young maidens, these creatures love to sing, dance and make merry. As consequence of their character, they are known to mate with humans who get caught under their spell.

I can only assume that Villafuerte's nymphs are analogous to our “diwata”. Villafuerte however tweaks the nature of these creatures. After all, his nymphas do not exactly "mate” and “make love” – they “fellate” their victims. They also love ogling at their victim’s back sides. Isn’t that very gay?

Walter Arenio (as Glenn) and a friendly visitor

Alvin Duckert as Marco

Sarah Obama (as Estela) and Mia Henares (as Karen)

Honey Lopez as Rosario

Walter Arenio provides a dashing consort with his sculpted physique, sexy masculine swagger and very Pinoy looks. More importantly, he captures the relaxed demeanor of Glenn. If you think he’s a run-of-the-mill actor, think again: he played Tony, the boatman, in Auraeus Solito’s magnificent “Busong” (Palawan Fate). So his presence in an exploitative Pink Film baffles. Though he doesn’t wave around his pecker, he has several “wet bulging brief” moments and a couple of backside peekaboos that would make you blush.

Alvin Duckert has a more ambitious part because he evolves into a totally different character in the epilogue (one of the cringe-worthy changes from the original story). Prettyboy Duckert is an enthusiastic actor. While his performance is better than bland, Duckert fails to imbue emotive heft so he comes off as superficial. And please, Alvin, stop dressing up as a woman ever again. It isn't a flattering sight. Masagwa! TJ Morello fares better with comfortable demeanor; his delivery isn’t snagged by doubt or irresolute action common among noobs.

FLACCID APPENDAGES

Adriana Gomez makes her film debut here. While she occasionally suffers from tentative emotions, she doesn’t do so badly. She isn’t allowed to do much except look “queenly” – as Cecilia, the queen of the nymphs. These days, Gomez appears in one (bad) indie flick after the next. She could probably be among this year's busiest. Bench dela Torre, as Carding, is expectedly disrobed. In the scene after his sexual dalliance with Rosario, he is left completely naked in bed, his flaccid appendage plopping down his abdomen. Ooohlala indeed! J

HIGHLIGHTING THE UNFLATTERING

Now let me turn to Chubi Manalo who turns in one of the hammiest performances this side of Jonas Gruet. He speaks like a 7 year old boy with Trisomy 21: monotone delivery, intonation that ignores syllabication and then there’s his speech deficiency – he lisps! And if that isn’t punishment enough, his lines are riddled with so much S’es – and if they were bullets, they’d have murdered him already. Check this out: “Di muna makapunta thi lolo kathi thinuthumpong thiya tha thakit ng paa. Thabi ng manggagamot, impothible daw ang pagkamatay nya, wala ngang dugo o thenyaleth na pinatay thiya.” That is a LOT of S’es for someone like dear Chubi. What I am saying here: a director who’s cognizant of the weaknesses of his actors would surely notice this and remedy the lines by finding substitute words that Chubi could properly deliver, instead of hurdling 13 S’es in his lines! Sigh. He is actually better off just bathing at the stream – sans speaking lines - since he adequately flaunts his engorged member under his wet undies better than he delivers lines. I am telling you, Chubi's had it more-than-adequately engorged! J

YES, MICHAEL, IT'S BAD

The script is slapdash and thoughtless. I ask again, how can cinematic plagiarism turn out so much worse than the original? In a scene where Glenn gets an unexpected visit from two nymphas, Cecilia catches her wards canoodling with the bathing Glenn. Cecilia shouts their names to call their attention: "Hasmin, Karen... halika kayo rito!" Then Glenn stands up and shouts back, "Sandali, anong pangalan nyo?" Every creature in the woodland could hear Cecilia, but Glenn. Someone needs a hearing aid! When they found Carding dead without finding blood or any sign of foul play, they thought this was impossible. Hence must be caused by supernatural beings? Huh? Haven't they heard of "bangungot" (a relatively common concept in barrios)? Or a heart condition? Or a myriad of medical conditions that don't manifest with physical signs?

If their lives were indeed in danger, wasn't it easier to just leave the darn place and go back to Manila? In Villafuerte's "Bahid", his characters similarly stay in a household that's gradually dropping like flies (there's a killer in this story), and I couldn't understand why they wouldn't just leave. You see, Villafuerte is so fixated by inscrutable weaknesses that are easily remediable. He constructs these problems - then gets stuck finding his way out of his own narrative dilemma. Wawa, debah? Villafuerte is also gravely inconsistent with his thoughts: the gist in this film is that nymphas seduce their victims then they die. But there were several scenes of seduction that didn't amount to anything, but an excuse to show the nymphs playing with their victim's joysticks. After all, these nymphs didn't like sexual intercourse. They prefer fellating their victims! How very inspired, right?

TURNING GAY

The big difference between the two flicks is: the plot has been tweaked to accommodate Villafuerte’s pedestrian homoerotic fantasies. 2012’s version turned gay! By doing so, it artistically crumbled because of ineptitude and film making incompetence. Then again – this clueless director believes he completed “another masterpiece”. These days, the term "masterpiece" has acquired new meaning, and it isn't "work of outstanding creativity". It's the extreme end of the artistic spectrum. Makes your skin crawl.

Palawenos Alvin Duckert and Walter Arenio share company and a head-scratching plot twist.

Walter Arenio

Alvin Duckert

TJ Morellos

Chubi Manalo

Bench de la Torre

Honey Lopez

Adriana Gomez

Light moment with the cast.

A scene with Charles Delgado from 2010's "Sa Piling ng mga Nympha".

Tense moment with Charles Delgado in "Sa Piling ng mga Nympha".

Agatha Christie is the queen of whodunits. Though she's been dead for 35 years, her legacy lives on as she is survived by her bestselling novels and a play (“The Mousetrap”) that holds the record for the theatre’s longest initial run: it opened at the Ambassadors Theatre in London on November 25, 1952 and as of 2011 is still running after more than 24,000 performances. More than this record, she was known to have written nail-biting stories of murder surrounded by a milieu of suspense and a mastery on plotting and characterization. She presents a lineup of characters, seemingly normal and others eccentric, and then lets her audience/readers guess: who’s the killer?

G.A. Villafuerte’s “Bahid” subscribes to such artifice to tweak his Pink Film ouvre, albeit with grievously disappointing results.

When lovers Glen and Vivian (Lawrence Manalo and Honey Lopez respectively) visit her godfather in Pampanga, she didn’t except her ninong to have come out of the closet. They were grandiosely welcomed with open arms, but they have discovered in ninong a boisterous aristarch who nags and complains about everything. Michael has become Madam Michelle who is loud and detested by the people around him. In this “mansion”, we are introduced to a cadre of characters which includes a trio of gay friends (Kahlel Urdaneta, Rjames Villaran, Jay-r Alcaraz), a sexually ambivalent gardener Lando (Miguel Alcantara, who appears half naked most of his screen time), maids Clara, Rosario and Magda, the driver Mang Dante, and house custodian Nanay Lydia (Tart Carlos).

Plot thickens when people start disappearing. In fact, Madam Michelle is soon found murdered on his bed. Who has a motive to these crimes?

You start getting concerned with the intellectual capacity of these characters when, despite all the killings or disappearance, no one leaves the compound. What were they waiting exactly? We later find out, of course, when the story climaxes in a dark basement. The lost characters have been found: blindfolded and tied down, but not gagged. Otherwise, this would inhibit the staging of a rather rambunctious, annoying and ultimately noisy scene when the perpetrator finally meets the victims.

The film divides its focus between perfunctory couplings, really trite unimaginative bed scenes, involving our characters (and showcasing Miguel Alcantara’s enviable physique as he lures both men and women to his bed) and the whodunit chapter. Unfortunately, there isn’t much aptitude involved in the film making process, and the actors are left to their own devices, giving way to the annoying excesses of some actors, particularly the one playing Madam Michelle and, more importantly, Tart Carlos’ Nanay Lydia who deserves a crown for her histrionic turn. Yup, there’s the “nanlilisik ang mata” staple here; the harsh and heavy-handed delivery; the demented witch countenance, and the excruciating swagger of thespic desperation! This was her 10-seconds of fame. She might as well get noticed! LOL

And wait for an intriguing epilogue that would put the befuddling “Inception” or even DiCaprio's "Shutter Island" to shame!

Madam Michelle (center) chastises everyone: "Nasaan si Magda? Ba't hindi s'ya nagpapaalam. masakit na ang tumbong ko sa katatalak!"

Clueless policemen

The performances are cringe-worthy and stumped. They either sleepwalk, summon a monotonal delivery or appear perplexed (Reference #1: basement scene; Reference #2: When they found the missing cellphone at the driver’s quarters). I could swear that the driver has more intuition than all of the characters combined.

The production is also hobbled by inaudible delivery of lines that are mostly muddled by room tone: a dog that keeps barking, a nearby hammering, the frolic of children playing, a motorcycle passing by intermittently. These transient sounds were largely ignored as though they wouldn’t make it in the final cut; a testament to the film maker’s carelessness and indolence, or his discombobulation to the medium.

What’s the best thing about “Bahid”? Aside from finally leaving the cinema hall? The theatrical posters! There are a couple that would have you believe that this was a sophisticated production, and that people behind it knew what they were doing. See what the delusion of appearance imparts?

In a scene representative of its inattention to detail, a maid picks up a tray, looks at the camera like she sees the Holy Grail, and leaves with a nonchalant, “Iwan ko muna kayo riyan”. How can you resist such utter ingenuity?