GA Villafuerte's Hardinero - Copying the Amateur Way

When gardener Mang Mario (Marco Ronquillo) had to leave his work to attend to his family in Iloilo, the De Veras find themselves in a deleterious situation! Holy molly! What will happen to the plants in the garden? Will they wither, wane and die a painful death? This disturbing scenario shakes this progressive family like it’s the apocalypse. It’s a good thing someone presents himself for the job – handsome Brando Chavez (John Canterbury) who’s in desperate need of employment to support his spouse.

STAGGERING SECRET

The De Veras comprise siblings Lance (Jonas Gruet), the family breadwinner; voluptuous and pouty Ana (Adriana Gomez) and nubile Cyrus (Kael Reyes). They treat hardworking Brando with due civility and gives him a day off in a week so he could visit his other-half. But the comely pulchritude of fair and soft spoken Brando isn’t lost on the siblings who soon develop considerable affection for our titular character. 

Fortunately, Brando is receptive to all forms of persuasion: men, women, gays – even mute maids! He soon fosters discreet and intimate relationships with every member of the household. But he has a secret that could shatter the world of the de Veras; an arcane mystery that shall change the shape of the universe as we know it. His “asawa” is a gorgeous guy named Nikko Guanzon (Paulo Henson) who spends all his time showering away grime brought by lassitude. What happens when the De Veras find out about this? Will the world perish in a matter of seconds? More importantly, will the script writer grow cerebral tissue inside his skull?.

Scriptwriter and Director GA Villafuerte once again fabricates a tale so mundane and out-and-out ridiculous I had to laugh all the way from the opening to the credits. He places tension on the fact that his protagonist lives with a guy as though it’s his employers’ concern. Didn’t Brando tell them that he has an “asawa”? Once the De Veras knew of his homosexual relationship, all hell breaks loose. Ana, so distraught, could only slap him several times: “Walang hiya ka. Sinungaling ka!”

But wait. Was Brando in an exclusive relationship with any of the siblings? Ana is, after all, in a coupling with Xyrus Arruejo whom Lance doesn’t favor. Villafuerte is so inept he can’t even build adequate tension to create an atmosphere of betrayal. Every sexual vignette doesn’t underline exclusive intimations, but mere playing around. Closeted Lance’s sole indiscretion was when he asked Brando, who subs as pool cleaner and masseur, for a massage that soon had the employer fellating his gardener ‘til kingdom come (no pun intended).

RATED SPG

Like many Pink Film directors, Villafuerte had to submit his actors to several shower scenes – something that’s probably genetically ingrained in the artistry (or lack thereof) of gay Pinoy directors because they can’t seem to do away with multiple shower scenes to tide over their gaunt narratives. Yes, Empress Crisaldo, Director Villafuerte peppers his celluloid dreams with enough backsides he might as well be ejaculating in his director’s chair.

EXECRABLE

The performances are considerably bad and, quite frankly, ghastly with Jonas Gruet exhibiting one of the hammiest depictions of a corporate boss. In a scene reminiscent of Crisaldo Pablo’s “Masukista” (with Joeffrey Javier playing the boss), Gruet tells off his incompetent employees with grated teeth, contorted facial muscles and wrinkly nose – it was painful to watch him finish a paragraph! Is he under medication? What happened to Gruet? Wasn't he a Repertory Philippines actor once upon a time in his long’ish life? Gruet is equipped with emotive affectations that distort his lips, nose and forehead as he delivers his lines. He wasn’t this bad in Del Mundo’s “Taksikab”. It’s probably the presence of Villafuerte that brings out the worse in his actors. And if you think Gruet is bad, try Marco Ronquillo who is ominously billed - “sa isang espesyal na pagganap”. Special it isn’t, that’s for sure. Ronquillo, who appears for 2 minutes or so, is intimidated with any line given to him so he appears petrified delivering his lines. He freezes in mid-sentence. The eggplants in our farm have more conviction looking like vegetables than Ronquillo depicting a gardener. Gawd!

Now how's our titular hardinero? John Canterbury looks mostly amused and willing to please. If he has emotive skills, this remains unclear since the character isn't really given much to sink his thespic teeth into. I am a bit distracted by his "man boobs", but other than that, who would complain about someone as good looking as Canterbury? Better to watch a handsome man in a bad movie than ogle at ugly beings in an execrable one, debah? (Wink, wink at Crisaldo Pablo!) Do we believe for a second that Canterbury's a gardener? If this were April Fool's, maybe.

Xyrus Arruejo returns and if you remember from my previous review of GA Villafuerte's "Kapa", I predicted that Villafuerte intends to gradually "peel" Arruejo's modesty, slowly but surely until he's left waving his family's jewels for the director. In "Hardinero", the goodlooking Xyrus has a bed scene with Adriana Gomez, who may need some time with the treadmill to shed off her lipid excrescences. They play lovers who keep their relationship a secret from "strict" Jonas. While Villafuerte succeeds to take Xyrus' shirt off, canoodling with Adriana in bed, we can probably expect that those shorts would eventually come off in the director's next flick called "Nympho" - a film that also took one day to complete principal photography. And you wonder why these movies look like grade school amateur movies?

COPYING

Villafuerte introduces a new talent, Paulo Henson who plays Nikko, Brando's "spouse". Henson registers strongly on screen so he could probably make it in this exploitative industry. But he'd be better off finding avenues outside Villafuerte's Mediocre Country. Did Henson do well with his lines? He didn't have any. His baptism of fire was but an arse-rich shower scene with Canterbury. Promising career, right?  

Finally, let me turn the spotlight once again to GA Villafuerte. In "Lihim ng mga Nympha", he copies an earlier flick called "Sa Piling ng mga Nympha" (2010) and didn't even acknowledge the latter. (Review for this comes out within the week.) Every scene and blocking is duplicated with utmost precision. :)

Furthermore, the intriguing concept in "Hardinero" has, in fact, been done earlier this year. In Miko Jacinto's "Salo", a closeted boss (Paolo Rivero) is in love with his stay-in driver (Kristoffer King) who's married - to a guy (Jeff Luna). Shown February this year, this similar narrative strain deserves to be given proper attribution for the blatant copying, right? Villafuerte turns the driver into a gardener. How imaginative. At least gardeners carry hoses that err "squirt" water, right? LOL

Did we expect Villafuerte to run his acknowledgement on this cinematic plagiarism? Unfortunately, GA Villafuerte is as inept with good manners as he is with his film making skills that it's beyond him to give credit where credit is due. Here's the irony, all of Villafuerte's remakes are far worse than their original copies. Yet we get to often read from his camp how he perceives his works as "another masterpiece". Aren't remakes suppose to improve the shortcomings of their predecessor? I'd probably hide in a cave if I were in his shoes. As I've said before, and I'll say it again now, the nerve!

No one requires manners in Mediocre Country.

Brando, the gardener, entertains his young employer Xyrus.

Xyrus watches Brando soaping away at the shower.

Brando offers a massage - with lotion, of course, to his boss Lance.

Lance (Jonas Gruet) turns the table around and errr... "services" his grateful gardener. Such enviable employer-employee relationship, right? 

John Canterbury (as Brando) and Adriana Gomez (as Ana)

Jonas Gruet (as Lance de Vera) and Kael Reyes (as Xyrus)

Xyrus Arruejo and Paulo Henson

Gardeners before and after Brando - Marco Ronquillo and Jayson Sampiano.

Adriana Gomez

Aeona Fuentes and Paulo Henson

Kael Reyes

John Canterbury in a male bikini pageant.

Note:

Please read our featured post on Cinema Bravo and why Web Criticism isn't always about good and reliable writing:
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http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html

G.A. Villafuerte's Kapa - Grappling in the Dark

Glenn and Ronald (Miguel Alcantara and Marco Ronquillo) are best friends. While both seem to harbor feelings for each other, Glenn conceals his affection for his visually impaired friend, fearing he might lose him if he told him of his feelings. So Glenn offers Ronald occasional glimpses of happiness by setting up dates with different men, like the mild mannered Gary (Karl Matthew Garcia). Meanwhile, Glenn indulges in coupling with several men: the impulsive Drolan (Whacky Seon) and the amorous Ceejay (Kristian Marquez) with whom Glenn seems to find a more stable relationship.

Ronald, on the other hand, keeps pining for Glenn who jumps from one concupiscent bed to another. Blinded by an accident, Ronald is affectionately kept company by his brother Russel (Darwin Taylo) and his Lola Rosa (Rosemarie Ibarrita). Russel has issues of his own. He’s conflicted by the attention showered on him by Jethro (Alvin Duckert) who doesn’t hide his attraction to the wistful Russel. But something bothers Russel about Jethro which the latter solves by cleaning up his gothic image.

One day, Glenn takes Ronald out for another “blind” date set up by Ceejay. Ronald is left under the care of good looking Aljer (Xyrus Arruejo) who turns out to be the date from hell. Aljer in fact wants money and when Ronald refuses, he pummels the blind man until he’s black and blue. All hell breaks loose, of course, and Glenn gets blamed for putting Ronald’s life in peril. Glenn, meanwhile, breaks up with Ceejay for setting up the date with the devil. What becomes of Glenn and Ronald’s friendship? Will Darwin even find happiness in Jethro’s warm embrace? More importantly, will the ubiquitous loafer Sarah (Adriana Gomez) ever find another micromini to wear? Heavens, what dilemma!

Glenn and Ronald are best friends.

Russel and Jethro are also attracted with each other.

Director GA Villafuerte concocts a world that barely mirrors any hint of reality. Every darn character is a homosexual. Everyone sleeps around, even the blind! Villafuerte seems to be wallowing in his detached world of despicable characters. This director’s means of building up characters usually end up with several rigodon of bodies humping away without much passion. To be honest, it is not easy to follow any of his characters because they are defined merely by their propensity to sleep around with other ill-defined characters. This is what makes films like this hard to document. The characters are interchangeable. In fact there's nothing much in character development except that they are all horny as hell.

The performances here leave much to be desired. Miguel Alcantara depicts his role with cardboard characterization and his depiction of a garish gay man is nothing short of cringe-worthy. Marco Ronquillo, in his cinematic debut, appears stiff, making viable excuse out of his blind character. In fact, you don’t find any expression on his face, except the element of being completely emotionally dispossessed. More importantly, isn’t Ronquillo, who’s too droll to be a cinema hunk, too old to be a movie newbie?

While we like Alvin Duckert and find him “artistahin”, he has been compromised by his over enthusiasm (“Lihim ng mga Nympha”, “Butas 2”). Darwin Taylo, on the other hand, has to lighten up. He is too serious for his own sake. This is the wrong vehicle for the introspective tack. Far from it, actually. Karl Matthew Garcia shows promise although this may appear to be so because he wasn’t really given much to munch. Xyrus Arruejo looks good on screen. He was substantially sinister in his scenes. My two cents worth believes that Villafuerte, like the exploitative film maker that he is, is priming Arruejo for “bigger” things. In fact, something must be in the works to get Arruejo out of his briefs in Villafuerte’s next films. Well, there’s “Hardinero” awaiting commercial release. Wanna bet? J

Now let’s get to the sex scenes. Most of them occur within a song (one full musical strain is played) and they are shown rubbing against each other’s naked bodies before eventually expiring into droll resolution. I have in fact never seen such apathetic sexual coupling.

The script is a messy excuse of a cinematic drivel. We find Russel apologizing every time he meets Jethro and we wonder why. He avoids Jethro like the plague but when the latter cleans up himself, Russel suddenly accommodates Jethro. Such is love, debah? Pag di na mukhang nangangamoy, tanggapin na. Haha. In another scene, Russel refuses to hold Jethro’s hand, but gamely makes out – in public! So much for discretion.

When Ronald is left alone with the impatient Aljer, the latter turns off the lights. Did he forget that he was with a blind man? When Ronald refused to touch him, he went berserk: “Hindi ako nagpunta dito para babuyin!” But was he harassed? In fact he wanted to be taken advantage of. After recuperating from the mauling incident, we’re suddenly ushered in a scene that has Ronald removing eye bandage. Are we missing a narrative strain? When did he get the eye operation? Ophthalmological surgeons and corneal specialists never do their post-operative follow ups in a patient’s home! They require the use of slit lamps and indirect ophthalmoscopy for this! Moreover, corneal transplants for both eyes are never done in a single schedule! Villafuerte’s laziness and cluelessness really show in these simple scenes.

“Kapa” is further hobbled by an uneven sound and the film maker’s utter neglect to room tone, thus in several scenes, you could hardly hear any part of the conversation – like when Russel met Jethro at a restaurant beside a Tagaytay road. Now tell me, how does one expect a legible story to unravel when they aren't even intelligible? Villafuerte doesn’t care. All he’s after are the intermittent peekaboos of his actors’ peckers. Yet his film’s posters call this “a new masterpiece”! Please excuse me while I vomit. 

The nerve, really!

Miguel Alcantara and Marco Ronquillo

Darwin Taylo and Kristian Marquez

Alvin Duckert: As enthusiastic in his performance as he is flashing his Eurasian jewels.

Whacky Seon: He seconds the motion re: flashing his Asian jewels. :)

Kart Matthew Garcia

Xyrus Arruejo plays the homophobe Aljer. Watch him flash HIS family jewels in his next GA Villafuerte film. :)

Masterpiece daw oh! LOL What is the world coming to!