Worst Films of 2010

It's been an economically difficult year for the Filipinos, but we constantly turn to the movies to somehow forget, but for a few hours, each of our strife. Movie watching used to be the Pinoy's cheapest form of entertainment, but that trend has changed. Are we even surprised a big percentage has turned to patronizing movie piracy? We do not condone this behavior. In fact, we get to watch most of these local movies in cinemas.

A movie ticket these days costs P150-180, depending on where you watch. This isn't a "cheap" hobby since money doesn't grow on trees. The money we spend on our films are borne out of hard work. Thus when we are served thoughtless, elementary flicks, we deem it a personal affront against our finances, not to mention sanity. If we're given something rotten for our money, we will rightfully declare it rotten. This is, after all, consumer rights!

We initially thought of doing away with our list of worst films and performances to start 2011 on a more positive note, but we realized this isn't fair! We have slaved over so much garbage last year that we feel we deserve to be able to list down the flicks that challenged our stamina, and absolutely wasted our time and money! From the 73 local flicks shown commercially (from January 1 to December 31, 2010), we found it easy to fill a Top 30 list. The state of the Philippine Movies is that bad! But for the sake of brevity, we have to narrow it down to a Top 10.

We would have easily included Crisaldo Pablo's "Mga Pinakamahabang One Night Stand 2" - which is "beyond awful" - but that film was basically a student project that amazingly found its way in commercial cinemas, thus our decision to exclude it from the list. Make no mistake, Crisaldo Pablo's trilogy of mediocrity could easily take the "crown" had it not been borne out of the director's conceit to field something that belongs in the hidden film archives of an exceedingly bad film school.

Here is 2010's Worst Movies: (in random order)

1. Pilantik (Argel Joseph)

An abused child turns into cross-dressing serial killer who attacks couples at the throes of orgasm. See Jao Mapa give Mon Confiado lip service.

2. Sanib 2 - 666 (Celso Ad. Castillo)

Possession and producer Honey Blanca's cleavage and high heels populate this abomination about a homecoming that goes awry. Jacklyn Jose gets badly dubbed. Didn't we advocate its lead star getting sent to Zambia? Or was it Zimbabwe?

3. D' Survivors (Adolf Alix, Jr.)

With so much eye candies populating this movie, the director forgot to tell a worthy story. There was humor somewhere, but we're supposed to excavate it from under the sands.

4. Tsardyer (Siegfried Barros Sanchez)

A myopic take on Ces Drillon's kidnapping saga, this elementary effort takes the cake on how to make music videos, errr...

See veteran actors like Neil Ryan Sese, Dimples Romana, Shamaine Centenera in the worst performances of their career. Listen to some of the most execrable songs ever played on the big screen while the bad guys accentuate "dagger looks" in their most livid glory!

5. Fidel (Mark Shandii Bacolod)

Considered as a "landmark film" by its own director, "Fidel" is lost in Bacolod's cloud of narcissism. In fact, in his 2nd flick "Ben & Sam" (shown 2 months after "Fidel" opened in theaters), he specifically used "Fidel" a representative of a superior film that champions the "troot". See Jon Hall as an arab who sodomized Lance Raymundo. See Andrea del Rosario pretend to be a concerned journalist. See Ma. Isabel Lopez cry her crocodile tears for the muted Fidel. See Snooky Serna as Snooky Serna!

6. Mahilig (Nico Salvador)

Gen. Caisip and Asec Rommel Garcia make stony anti-drug cameos in a film that weaves the stories of a drug addicted wife (Thea Alvarez she gets to shower several times, and shag her hubby Mon Lacsamana before they part ways) and an obedient son (Carlo Aquino, who gets lured into vices by Onemig Bondoc.) As we've said it before, it's one thing to advocate anti-drug sentiments, but when you're endorsing it within a salacious softcore film, any assumptions of good intent is lost!

7. SpEd Hearts (Felbert Go)

A somnabulist's delight, Ciara Sotto, who plays a Special Ed teacher, looks dazed all through out the film - whether she's arguing with her father or teaching in front of her wards. Her best scene? She turns her back from the audience as the credits start rolling. Meanwhile, Chamyto Aguedan's 6 children were shocked to find their father to be a flaming flower! No wonder the kids need "specialized education".

8. Santuaryo (Monti Parungao)

Shipwrecked on an island, albeit with a functional boat (carrying survival items like porn magazines), able bodied boys frolic in skimpy briefs in search of a treasure that turned out to be - whaddayaknow! - a nature park! Hear a smart boy asking his friend about a "blowjob" - "sinong top? sinong bottom?" Huh? See a paraplegic magically walk - for the sake of love! Wheee...

9. Pagnanasa (Fellyx Honeyfield)

Marco Morales snags Charles Delgado into his slimy web of libidinous lifestyle, but why can't he get it "up" when with him? "Lukso ng dugo" plays out ridiculously in this tale of brotherly love - in Pink Film fashion!

10. Ang Babae Sa Sementeryo (Neal Tan)

Neal Tan takes the tale of an itinerant soul and deconstructs it into this pseudo-social commentary that occurs in a cemetery being used as a prostitution den. Meanwhile, a new chief of police is investigating a series of murders around town. Then there are flickering images of ghosts, a flesh-eating child with telepathic powers, a bumbling duo of videographers and Tommy Abuel doing a Shakespeare soliloquy! I've always thought of Neal Tan as a desultory story teller, but he was never this narratively muddled!

Pagnanasa – When Telling A Story is Randomly Shooting Blanks

Peeling a banana or chopping an onion is an easier task to enjoy than investing a degree of empathy on the narrative being told in the movie “Pagnanasa” (Desire).

The story is told from the point of view of Carlos (Charles Delgado) who opens the movie with a lay in the hay. Lovely ass, notwithstanding, he rationalizes with a cinematic apology of his sexual orientation. He is gay. Then his story unfolds further.

Carlos dreams of the better life in the big city. When he lands a job (as a resort waiter), it was his way out. So he bids his mother (Dexter Doria) goodbye. In Manila, aside from waiting tables, he hooks up with predatory gay men for their hand outs. One day, he meets Nick (Marco Morales), after a chance encounter at a sari sari store (bwahaha). In the same first encounter, Nick embraces him like there’s no tomorrow – and they supposedly fall in love. But something was awkward, and despite the undeniable connection, they can’t seem to consummate their affair. “Bakit nahihirapan tayong magmahalan? Ang aking nararamdaman ay walang halong pagnanasa,” explains Nick! Get mo?

Enter Rosanna (Sofia Lee), which Carlos describes as “isang matapang na sundalo ng kahirapan”. She is uncouth and vulgar – but how else does a street walker carry herself, right? She meets Carlos and gets infatuated with the nubile boy, she even offers herself “for free”. After being rejected for her advances, she feels dejected. To make matters worse, she gets thrown out of her room for not having paid her rent in the last 6 months. When all hope is lost, she turns to ending a life in shambles. Just when she was to jump off the bridge, Nick rescues the damsel and takes her home with him – and Carlos. They share dinner as though it was just another ordinary day. “Ah, siya yung babaeng gusting kuman__t sa yo?” asks Nick, then prods further, “Pagbigyan mo na!” And if that light banter was intended for someone who just failed an attempted suicide, we should hand Nick a gold medal for his sensitivity, right?

While the trio enjoys the ensuing hilarity of the matter, Carlos suddenly comes up with a brilliant idea. He wants to visit his mother, and take Nick and Rosie along with him for a provincial sojourn. While relaying each of their sob stories, a secret unfolds. Spoilers here! Both Nick and Rosie were given away as children by their birth mother! And by great serendipitous design, fate gathers them in the presence of their real mother who is Carlos' mother as well! So over a loud canned music and a blabbering narration, 4 absolutely vapid souls hug each other for a tearful and heart wrenching reunion! Bravo!

Nubile and twinkish Charles Delgado

Now I have to commend the gall of the film’s director for braving the unknown – for his masterful direction the caliber of a drugged out parrot, and for his dwindling sense of direction. At several instances, I was just perturbed by his aimless story telling! Let’s take for example the protracted scene where Rosanna is narrating her own sob story to Carlos. She was sold to an abusive couple who turned her a muchacha. As soon as she grew melon boobs, her uncle (John Apacible) started showing interest. At one point, he grabs her boobs while she was fixing the bed. When she screams for help, her auntie (Karla Estrada) dismisses it as though he was caught picking his nose. As though washing his hand would suffice to clean up the mess. In another scene, she wakes up with her uncle fondling her body. In yet another scene much later, her “tito” was caught pleasuring himself as he peeps through the bathroom window – and Rosie was soaping away in wild abandon. When he invites himself inside the bathroom, Rosie screams, puzzled with her tito’s demeanor! She reasons, “’Di ko sya pinaghinalaan. Sinabi kasi nyang lagi kong iwanang bukas ang pinto.” Boy, she is as stupid as a skunk! After catching him mashing her tits while she was asleep, she wouldn’t suspect him of a devious plot to get in her pants? Is anybody up there?

There is a judicious show of body parts from Sofia Lee. Even the boys, Marco Morales and Charles Delgado, were generous showing their full frontal and backside assets at some scenes. These singular moments are, after all, the raison d’etre of this two-bit film work. A bit of cock, a bit of ass, a bit of tits! Ka-ching! Who cares if the one megging the picture has an I.Q. of 10?

Before I forget, this is (mis)directed by Fellyx Honeyfield.

Foul mouthed Sofia Lee

Marco Morales: brotherly love.