Enzo Williams' "The Escort" - 10 Amusing Things To Watch Out For

Yasmine Gomez (Lovi Poe) leaves behind waitressing to work as a receptionist for an escort service company. Little did Yassi realize that her boss Cyrus de los Reyes (Derek Ramsey) has plans of turning her into one of his high class prostitutes. One day, Yassi receives a proposal for a date-only transaction with business tycoon Gary Montenilla (Christopher de Leon). The “clean date”, that took several convincing, will earn her P50,000. Besotted by the lovely lass, Gary wants to pursue her further. To her surprise, her bank account earns a whopping P100,000. Now where do I sign up? Cyrus couldn’t be happier. After all, the good looking pimp's finances are fast dwindling. 

What Yassi didn't realize, Cyrus also peddles his flesh to long-time investor Lucy (Jean Garcia), a former actress who’s married to a powerful mayor (Rommel Padilla), due out for release from prison. As fate would have it, Cyrus begins to fall for virginal Yassi, a virtual prey in a sea of predators. Wouldn't you be surprised if this attraction weren't mutual? 

So Cyrus opens his heart and reveals to Yassi that this “greedy, egotistic asshole” cannot resist the “fresh, innocent and pure” heroine.

As the movie comes to its third part, Cyrus has to run away from the vengeful mayor, who learns of his wife's indiscretion. Cyrus is as good as minced meat, right? But Yassi strikes a deal with Gary who has the power to save our loverboy from impending doom. In turn, she is offered three options as payback. One, marry Gary and be provided with all the riches she can only dream of. Two, surrender herself for a night of pleasure in Gary’s boudoir. Three, and the more interesting proposition, make love to Cyrus - with Gary in the audience. Are we trapped in some EL James, Anais Nin, Christina Lauren or Jackie Collins paradise? Nah, more like a diluted Xerex.   

10 Things Why Watching "The Escort" is Amusing:

1. The film falls victim of its own contrivance. Early on, a voice over asks, “Lahat ba tayo may presyo?” To make sure we all understand the earth-shattering question, we’re put through a wringer by getting asked again, this time in English, “Does everything and everyone have a price?” Translation class? Clear?

2. Brenda (played with wanton vulgarity by Dimples Romana) takes her fee and waves the bills in front of a party crowd. Don’t you just love how suddenly this discreet industry is depicted with utter imprudence?

3. Yassi (Lovi Poe) rejects Cyrus’s proposal to join the escorting business. She’s repelled by the idea that she ignores a first invitation for a strictly dinner-only date with filthy rich Mr. Gary Montenilla (Christopher de Leon) though it would have earned her a cool P10,000. Cyrus lecherously badgers to pimp her up. But no go. She feels dishonoured; so humiliated in fact that she has taken every opportunity to join Cyrus for lunch and dinner. Isn’t she the smartest?

4. Everytime she meets up with Cyrus, former actress Lucy (Jean Garcia), wife of an embattled mayor (Rommel Padilla), refuses to do the dastardly deed on the bed. “Ang kama, para sa mag asawa,” she reasons. So it’s all jacuzzi, floor, kitchen table, and pebbly beaches? Kinky.

5. Cyrus argues it isn’t money that fuels the world, but lust. I had to rethink my existence to validate this preporterous theorizing. Do I work and earn my keep to satisfy my lust? Does Duterte sanction his bloody drug war out of lust? Does Bimby star in his dreadful TV commercials for lust? Does Sharon Cuneta shed a hundred pounds of lard for lust? Do the manangs in the market sell their tulya, pinya and kangkong to make errr kangkang? Ooops! Sorry I couldn't resist the rhyme. Tee hee. But good try, smart guy.

6. Derek Ramsay once again reveals his performing acumen in all its splendour. When Cyrus takes Yassi to Kandaya Resort in Daanbantay, Cebu for an overnight canoodling, he reveals to the blushing virgin that he is trying “hard” to resist her. He takes his eyeglasses off, then stares at Yassi. He gazes at her. Smoulder. Smoulder. Smoulder. And smoulder some more. Then I realized that all throughout the movie, Derek has been consistently smouldering. I was sure by the time credits were rolling, hot Derek would have been reduced into an ember.

7. The story reveals why Cyrus feels vulnerable inside a church, thus he avoids it. When he was 8 years old, his mother abandoned him inside. Then when he was about to get married, his bride left him for his best man. Sniff sniff. Cyrus’s voice cracks. “But I promise to change my life for you,” he says. Smoulder smoulder smoulder. Sniff sniff sniff. Yet everyone beside me in the cinema were struck with an unshakeable sensation of apathy. I am suddenly reminded of someone who can outsmoulder Derek Ramsay – Derek Zoolander! Hmmm. Check below if I am just fibbing.

Derek Zoolander and Derek Ramsay - Kings of Smoulder

8. Gary Montenilla takes Yassi home for the first time. He hasn’t even told her of his intentions, but he suddenly springs up a proposal… with a ring! Agad agad? Is it the end of the world na?

9. After Cyrus gets beaten up by the muscle men of Gold's Gym, errr, I mean those pesky, vengeful mayor’s thugs, he is seen on a hospital bed all contused and bloodied. A nurse auscultates his chest with a stethoscope. Then a doctor joins her and he blurts out, “Nurse, take him to the O.R.” No BP? No wound care? No intravenous fluid even to KVO? OR agad?

10. When Yassi goes to the cashier to pay P100,000, the girl tells her, “Ma’am, this is just for the professional fee .” Someone actually says that? No billing invoice itemizing service rendered? Just PF? Now which hospital is this?

If ten items weren’t enough, Enzo Williams' "The Escort" caps its droll sequence of events by following Cyrus sometime after the aforementioned incident (I remember 3 years but that can't be!) Cyrus has recuperated. He's been combing the metropolis looking for Yassi. But there’s no trace of her. To mend his broken heart, he decides to fly back to the Cebu resort where he once took Yassi. The night sea seemed quiet he could hear his own beating heart. He sits back, internalizes, and smoulders some more. Then something stirs from a nearby chair. Guess who?

#theescort   #lovipoe   #derekramsay

Seksing Masahista - "Crazy Idiots", Jingling Boobs and the Malaysian Connection

Back in the days, before naked men became fashionable, there were nubile nymphets with mammaries bigger than their heads; and they were a dime a dozen. The story would be familiar: a country girl tries her luck in the big city and ends up in the salacious hands of pimps, enterprising gigolos or sex starved men.

The list is long, but to mention a few: Jennifer Lee for “Co-ed Scandal”, Nika Madrid for “Unang Tikim” and “Hamog sa Bukang Liwayway”, Kuhdet Honasan for “Maharot”, Tracy Torres and Clarissa Mercado for “Mapanukso”, Kat de Santos for “Agos” and “Lipstick”, Nadine Schmidt for “Room Service”, Aleck Bovick for “Tampisaw”, Criselda Volks for “Takaw-Tingin”, Monica Midler for “Saplot”, Pyar Mirasol for “Katawan Mo, Langit Ko”. Every forgettable names and faces made to perform repeated 10-minute shower scenes. I thought those days had passed, but there is a bothersome resurgence of such exploitation girlie flicks.

Such is John Ad. Castillo and Malaysian director Z Lokman’s “Seksing Masahista” originally titled “Crazy Idiots” which would have been a more appropriate title given the masterful artistry in this earth-shattering masterpiece.

It follows Mona (Mocha Uson) who’s desperate for a job. Like her out of luck husband Tony (Zyrus Imperial), the young wife presents herself as a masseuse in a massage clinic somewhere in Timog (she claims that as a child, she used to assist her midwife mother-cum-manghihilot back in Samar). Her equally fit hubby Tony gets accepted as janitor in the same “clinic” being run by an unscrupulous couple Boss Estrella and wife Lydia (Rommel Padilla and Ramona Revilla, respectively). 

As a side story, Estrella is knee deep in negotiations to buy a beach resort (worth P6.2 million) in a partnership with seedy Malaysian businessman Mr. Ashman (director Z Lokman) with the intervention of another cringe-worthy soul named Mr. Patrick (Telly Babasa). The story gets even more confounding when Boss Estrella makes it his business to play with his unwilling employees, to the consternation of his wife (she admits, “Ilang araw na nya akong di ginagalaw sa kama.”)

One salubrious day, Boss Estrella finds Mona drunk. She conveniently drops to the floor, giving Estrella undue advantage to the inebriated Mona. Now this is for the books: from some vantage point outside the same clinic, a fuming Tony “miraculously” witnesses the dastardly deed – so he runs to rescue Mona only to find out that the sword has been fittingly "inserted". What’s a husband to do?

Mocha and Zyrus face a dilemma (left), while director Z Lokman hams it up as an actor with Rommel Padilla: "Don't raise your voice to me, Mr. Estrella." My heels shook with fear.

When flaunting your wares is the right thing to do. ;-> Zyrus Imperial, aka. Bernie Villaflor decides to be less modest.

Ramona Revilla and Zyrus Imperial

The narrative gets even more confusing because from here on, every character plots for their vengeance. Wife Lydia decides to lure a resistant Tony to plug his rod in her (and it is a tad silly watching a seemingly unyielding muscular guy pumping away as though the “willful devil made him do it”). When Tony finally gets Mona home, he blames and forces himself on her, but not before asking her, “Nasaan ang panty mo?” 

Meanwhile, Mona is also seeking redress by demanding money from Boss Estrella (he hands her P50,000, and quips, “Yan lang ang pera ko”). Without even reaching the first trimester, it seems that Mona miraculously carries a child? When Tony winds up of the possibility, he offers the “baby” to Boss Estrella in exchange for a litigation-free settlement and more money (P250,000). How will the latter finance a beach resort and a baby? Will Mona and Tony ever live a harmonious existence?

The stream of events is random, haphazard and wildly unfocused, infusing a hundred and one side stories that don’t quite mash up seamlessly; you end up scratching your head. Boss Estrella, Tony finds from out of the blue, is infertile and is incapable of siring a child. So the “pregnant” Mona is actually carrying their matrimonial child after all.

MOCHA AND THE ART OF NOT DROWNING

Mocha Uson, undeniably statuesque and sophisticated, seems completely misplaced in this movie, but in what seems like those aforementioned 10 minute shower scenes, Zyrus Imperial gets wet and steamy with the bosomy beauty – mashing away her pigmented areola and sucking into her larynx like there’s no tomorrow. But it was fascinating seeing overgrown mammaries jingling in wild abandon, while perky nipples point to coordinate-specific directions. It was like watching Jello with a brownish outcropping being transported on a rocky road! 

I tried to re-enact this by jumping on my trampoline, but the effect isn't the same. The thrust of force must come from below, instead of directly defying gravity. Now I'm starting to discern why men love jiggly boobs so much. I swear if she falls into the ocean, those twins would float and save her from drowning! I was tickled fuchsia. There were no pink bonuses here unless you consider Imperial in skimpy briefs as adequate pink fodder.

ACTING IT OUT

When Zyrus Imperial (Bernie Villaflor in real life) spews his line: “Niyurakan nya ang dangal at puri ng aking asawa!” I almost fell off my seat! Not only was he hard up with his delivery, the next scenes also showed him blaming his wife though he was himself the material witness! I’d have been more appreciative of a little consistency. Didn’t Imperial head AMA’s theater group (Teatro AMA) in Pasay? 

The over-the-top histrionics of Rommel Padilla reminds me of the one-note performances of iconic baddies like Max Alvarado, Rodolfo Boy Garcia and Paquito Diaz, but theirs was an era where such thespic tack was requisite. This is the new millennium where such performance is deemed hammy.

Zyrus Imperial as Tony (above and below).

Touted as a Malaysian-Philippine co-production, this film is really a testament that you can’t exactly buy talent nor cinematic excellence. The outpouring of finances is hardly evident here. Production design is virtually non-existent; script is nothing but underdeveloped caricatures. Mocha Uson takes her part as though this was going to take her to the Oscars. After all, didn’t they drum up interest by saying they were going to show this flick in Latin America (God forbid!). 

To make a thematic statement for this, they employed canned music like Sergio Mendes’ “Mas Que Nada”, the second time this song was used in a film this week. (You can hear a better, more appropriate version in the animated blockbuster “Rio”.) Aren’t they aware they may be impinging on some copyright claims?

If such aesthetic is Malaysia’s contribution to Philippine cinema, we already have a surfeit of bad cinema to speak of. We don’t need anymore assault such as this. And director Z Lokman subbing as an actor is a blood-curdling exercise of conceit. Ugly conceit, if I may add. Please spare us from further agony! Go spend your Malaysian ringgit elsewhere.