Pak! Pak! My Dr. Kwak! - B-Rating For Bird-Brains

"Pak!" I often hear this every time K Brosas does her judging spiel at a weekend talent show, and I have wondered why she does this. It's meaningless. There isn't anything funny about it either. The delivery, done in staccato fashion, has this irritating resonance. Who finds amity in the sound of swatting flies?

Such word play in the title largely reflects the content or essence in Tony Y. Reyes' "Pak! Pak! My Dr. Kwak!" where for the most part, the working gags have been used since the Pleistocene Period when dinosaurs dominated the food chain. But they had a good excuse for such imbecilic undertakings - they only had lint-produced fire and stones to work with. My friend Iya asked me, "What do you expect in a Vic Sotto film?" This was of course pure rhetoric.

FOUR FILM OUTFITS

That this film is a co-production of 4 film outfits (Sotto's Mzet, Ilacad's Octo-Arts, Tuviera's APT, and ABS-CBN's Star Cinema) further highlights the priority and mindset of the current crop of mainstream film makers, and if this isn't the proverbial "dumbing down" in Philippine Cinema, I don't know what is.

Angelo and Cielo

Capsule

When mischievous angel Angelito (Zaijian Jaranilla) disrupts operations of the Heaven's "Matching Machine", the playful tyke is sent to Earth for a life-affirming mission that involves a con artist named Angelo (Vic Sotto) who, along with his crew, operates as a faith healer. His healing sessions include staged miracles and the requisite "optional donations". But when one of his "patients", Mang Gary (Gary Lising) falls ill after drinking one of Angelo's potions, concerned physician Cielo de los Santos (Bea Alonzo) feels compelled to look into the matter. Little did she realize that these were the same people who almost run her over.

When Cielo confronts Angelo, he vehemently denies the ruse. Enter Angelo's assistants, Phil and James (Jose Manalo and Wally Bayola) who bumped a child on the road - the now-human Angelito. The child appears lifeless so the cavillous Cielo chides at the dumb-founded quack, "Sige nga, pagalingin mo nga sya!" Left without an option, Angelo takes the child and does his mumbo jumbo, and voila! The fallen child comes back to life - conveniently with a good audience as witnesses. Since then, Angelo has taken Angelito as his own, and they have become healing partners. Cielo has gradually warmed up to the "arbularyo's charm". In fact, they turn into a fetching couple along with Angelito and Macy (Cielo's little sister, played by Xyriel Manabat).

FROM HEEL TO HERO

Like the easy resolutions that Filipino movies are known for, Angelo has organized "medical missions" and even sought the assistance of Cielo for such noble undertaking. At this point, I was stifling a vomit, for how can a quack suddenly turn 180 degrees and donate all his "earnings" (P100,000) to a children's orphanage? There is no subtle character progression. Angelo snaps his finger and turns from heel to hero!

Angelito and Macy

There are a hundred issues concerning logic so we are going to point out a few for the sake of discussion. That Cielo, a GP who does cardio-thoracic surgeries (wink, wink), openly endorses a person whom she knew hasn't had a single day in medical school constitutes grave impediment to her Hippocratic Oath. She even covers for his misdeeds, "He practices alternative medicine," she reasons. But even such practitioners have to have adequate training. Or did she forget that Mang Gary caught amebiasis from one of Angelo's concoctions?

FARTS AND DIARRHEA

Humor in this movie takes the form of fart jokes, diarrheic explosions and assault of physical imperfections, you would think that we're back in the 60's when slapstick physical comedy were the norm. When another patient complains of diarrhea (again), he was asked: "Umeebak ka ba ng dugo? O dumudugo ka ng ebak?" In another scene, Cielo was told, "No ispik because the pipol has ispiken!" Huh? Someone actually thought that line was funny?

When Angelo visits Cielo home, he meets a hostile mother (Dexter Doria) who tells him, "O wag ka na umupo!" which was replied with "Lumuhod pwede?" When Mang Gary complains of abdominal discomfort, Angelo replies with a curt, "I-jerbaks mo lang yan" which then incites a wad of passing gas. This is the heir to Dolphy's throne. How sophisticated, right?

In typical Vic Sotto fashion, the story propagates the myth that "Bossing" is drop-dead gorgeous, girls forget themselves when they see him. And Cielo becomes guinea pig to test out his charisma. Every time Cielo and Angelo meet, the former becomes a basket-case. She inadvertently salivates, and loses her coordination, bumps her head and fumbles through stuff. Such is the conceit of the "Bossing" that he even had to refer to her as "Miss Laway". And I sincerely sympathize with all of "bossing's" cinematic muses for falling vulnerable and debilitated under his bewitching machismo. Sure, this is comedy, but there has to be something remotely feigning reality.

Pokwang plays Pining, the deceitful trio's landlady, who's also fallen under Angelo's charm. (Toldya the bossing is irresistible!) When she asked him, "Ano ba ang meron si Cielo na wala ako?" Jose replies with, "Lamang lang naman siya ng isang paligo sa yo... sa fountain of youth!" Get it? At another time, Phil and James ended up shoving two bananas inside Pining's mouth, so she's left doing Heimlich maneuver on her own. I suddenly miss watching "Three Stooges".

Pining, Phil and James

ALL IN THE TVJ FAMILY

There are familiar faces from the TVJ world. Ryan Yllana cameos as a naughty angel. Richie the Horsey plays a patient. Anjo Yllana is an obstetrician (who delivers Cielo's baby). Paolo Ballesteros plays Cielo's gay friend Anton. Toni Rose Gayda plays a nun handling the orphanage. And Joey de Leon is a Philippine Medical Association official who receives the complaint against Dra. Cielo. After finding Johnny Revilla's complaint against Cielo petty, Joey de Leon remarks, "Binebeywang mo ang oras ko!" then cracks it up with its raucous English translation, "You are wasting my time!" Baywang? Waist? Get it? And it is a waste alright to see less of Joey de Leon on screen because he genuinely cracks me up even with inane lines. His manner of delivery is distinct; his timing is impeccable. Vic Sotto meanwhile resorts to facial contortions and physical assaults ("pambabatok") to spark humor.

I'm not even discussing much of Bea Alonzo's participation in this film because what is this generation's best actress doing in a half-witted diarrheic stool like this? Did she read the moronic drivel in her script? In one scene, when Angelo finally takes Cielo to meet his father (Joonee Gamboa), this was how the scene went:

Tatay: "Sino yan?"

Angelo: "'Tay."

Cielo: "Doktora po ako."

Huh? Who asked what her profession was? It was a good thing she didn't turn in her medical diploma, board certificate and medical license.

***

During the requisite altercation, Angelo shouts at Angelito for failing to cure his own father.

Cielo: "Wag mong sigawan ang bata, anghel yan!" Huh? LOL

When Angelo got shot on the chest, the E.R. doctor suddenly performs the sensitive operation. Cardiothoracic surgeons do these things, not general practitioners or ER docs. After performing the operation, Cielo comes out of the O.R. wearing a dress! Couldn't fit into a scrub suit, Bea? After the same operation, Angelo dreams of Angelito saying his goodbye because his mission was completed. It was Angelito's time to go back to heaven. Then we find Angelo removing his oxygen mask. He gets off his hospital bed and runs after the child! This is nothing short of a miracle considering he just survived a close-to-fatal chest gunshot and a cardio-thoracic operation which should rightfully have him bed-ridden under intensive care supervision for the next week or so. The next morning, when he wakes up, his father (who had a lingering illness) was all healed - overnight! Imagine all four production companies looking after this project and they couldn't even get the basic things right.

Mainstream cinema is a bunch of greedy, sniveling nincompoops. Indeed!

But the most flagrant of immoral iniquity? Cinema Evaluation Board has given this maudlin piece of crap a B rating! Birdbrains at the Board!

C.E.B. & INCENTIVES OF HAVING FRIENDS

Republic Act 9167 created the Film Development Council of the Philippines which, to my knowledge, hasn't really done much for the industry. Its Section 10 further creates the Cinema Evaluation Board (CEB) composed of 30 members - 20 from the industry (for who would be better equipped to distinguish a work of art than the people working within, right?) and 10 from the arts, academe and business sector. Its main objective is to rate films and give incentives to superior work, i.e. "for the promotion and development of cinematographic art along world-class standards and global marketability". Now tell me, based on the sketches I presented here, which portion of the film brilliantly titled "Pak! Pak My Dr. Kwak", is deemed world class? Is it the lingering fascination with farts and watery stools? The propagation of the myth that Vic Sotto makes young beautiful women drool? The condoning of quack doctors to perform "medical missions" when he isn't even a medical graduate? Or is it the lurid representation of:

a. "a clear and well realized and effective orchestration of the film elements"

b. a screenplay with a clear characterization, dialogue, plot and narrative structure; take note of a character played by Victor Basa, a gun-toting thug who's out for vengeance after being hoodwinked into giving a large sum for the cure of an ailing father who never got better. The "narrative structure" would eventually have him running after Vic Sotto, et.al. so he'll get his father re-treated. Again? Didn't he go through this before? And he wants another go at it? LOL. Didn't I say brilliant?

I can go on and on about the "merits" of this film that eventually ended up with a B rating (thus qualifying for a 65% tax incentive). Fantastic! And before writing 30, Jackie Aquino, who I believe is a member of the mostly unemployed CEB board members, does a cameo.

When patronage politics is being shamelessly peddled by the people who's supposed to recognize good from bad films, isn't it sinful? Corruption doesn't always happen within duly elected positions. Otherwise, Carlo Caparas would never be remotely considered as someone of National Artist caliber. Not in my wildest dream.

Ian Loreno's "The Leaving" - What Awful Meant in Perfunctory Film Making

I was reeling with antipathy as I left the cinema after watching Ian Loreno's Cinemalaya-entry "The Leaving". There goes my P161 down the gutter! Not only was it rife with an enumerable list of everything you hate from an independent film, it was also careless. And before someone tries to "remind" me again of the "blood, sweat and tears" - as well as the "good intentions" - invested in the making of this abomination, all those gibberish don't mean squat, but the finished product! Truth be told, good intentions don't a good movie make.

The film is subdivided into three "chapters", each one from the point of view of the subset's main character.

"Martin" follows a solitary man (Alwyn Uytingco) who's nursing a broken heart. He's unemployed, unsure whether he'd be content and productive if he joins his folks in the U.S. He lives in a tenement populated by dreadful characters, including a lunatic who recently lost her younger sister from an accident. Though Martin seems to piece the characters together, his side of the narrative is rather dry and uninteresting, as he partakes the role of the lackadaisical observer.

"Lovers" follows an extra-marital affair between married businessman William and travel agent Joan (Arnold Reyes and LJ Moreno, respectively). It soon becomes clear that William's negligent ways eventually lead to Joan's unplanned pregnancy. But on top of her troubles, Joan gets abducted and gang raped the night William stood her up from a date! Joan decides to make a clean break from William, but would he allow her to leave?

"Wife" zeroes in on Grace (LJ Reyes), William's persevering wife. In the course of her sacrifices, Grace rekindles her "friendship" with next-door neighbor Manny who - as it turned out - was her former boyfriend (the one who left a year ago, as narrated by Martin when the movie opened). While Grace begins to unravel William's indiscretions, she gets ghoulish visits from souls that go bump in the night! What's a wife to do.

These disparate characters navigate the bowels of Chinatown, thus we are ushered into a subculture not quite in consonant with what we are used to: Pinoy-looking personalities suddenly lurching into Chinese, spewing alien concepts like "chit gye puah" and "spirit days". It's like "Mano Po" sans the fake eye make-ups. We would have been more tolerant of such inanities if there were more care in the exposition, instead of randomly dropping these concepts like bombs!

Curiously, it's the least developed character that buoys the film into something vaguely navigable, thanks to Uytingco's understated but perceptive performance as Martin who languishes in his own dilemma. LJ Moreno also does well, if a bit too showy as the adulterous Joan. Arnold Reyes, meanwhile, is starting to suffer the Irma Adlawan-syndrome, indulging in livid strokes of characterization that jumps off the screen. He was once a promising indie actor, but these days, he is just too eager to please. And we need to remind him that "less is more". LJ Reyes suffers from irresolute story telling. Was this a dramatic feature? A psychological yarn? A vengeful horror tale this side of Edgar Allan Poe? Baka naman romance? To be honest, it's a bit of everything, making this elementary effort nothing more than a chopsuey of incipient ideas. Its lofty ambition is deemed too unfocused to truly raise any relatable statement.

Now let me veer into its even more annoying aspect: "subtitles"! I am absolutely for the use of English subtitles in local releases as this will open up the film into a bigger, more universal audience. However, if the subtitles are idiotic, it's counterproductive to display it during its local screening as it will expose the cerebral limitations, albeit mediocrity of its makers.

When you're looking at the screen, you can't quite escape badly subtitled lines, and it's very bothersome to say the least. It wouldn't have been too harrowing if these were mere typographical errors, but as the story progressed, it became apparent that erroneous typographs they weren't! Here are some of the several mind-benders:

"Hindi ka pa rin nagbago." becomes "You haven't change."

"Didn't we already talked about this?" (My dears, the word "did" is always preceded by its verb in the present tense! Wasn't that taught in elementary grammar class?)

"You're leaving me for another man, isn't it?" (You must mean, "aren't you?" For a while there, I thought I was watching an episode of "Bubble Gang".)

"Mga jeep na gago." becomes "Rubbish jeepneys." (Again please?)

"Don't let your eyes off our stuffs." (Stuffs?!)

"Salamat doon." becomes "Thank you about that!" (About what? ;-> )

"Why didn't you left with them?" (It's the "did"-rule once again, honey! Why didn't you leave with them!)

"When get home, food is ready." (Ano daw?!)

"If I should leave to the U.S. ..." (Baka naman "leave for...")

Even the use of Tagalog phrases is sketchy, with an oftly repeated "Pumutok na naman ang tseke!" In my world, "pumuputok" refers to a terrorist activity of sending explosives in mails, not of estafa. Is there really an alternate world in the Philippines that uses "putok" when they refer to bouncing cheques? Or were they using euphemisms for "body odor"? LOL

As the movie draws to a close, it further dispenses with more inspiring subtitling: "You look aweful!" (Didn't you mean "awful?" Or did you want to say "awesome?" Those 2 are quite antonymous, even my grade 2 cousin could tell the difference!)

Was my yaya hired for the subtitling job? I could swear she was gone for a couple of days in the last 5 months or so!

As I just came from a visually superior, but atrocious film - Neal Tan's "Tarima", I was desperate for a cinematic salvation to save the day. I should've looked elsewhere.

Consequently, I find it ironic that "The Leaving" actually won "Best Cinematography" at the 2010 Cinemalaya Award when it was obvious cinematography was not among its strong points. Or were the judges visually challenged? Lighting was bad and paucity of resources to design its set was evident. This was a production running on mere nubile ideas - devoid of technical savvy - and the borderline performances of its protagonists (one of whom actually won Best Supporting Actress). This just underlines the obvious - that winning an award is not exactly a pursuit of excellence in this country. How else would you explain "The Leaving's" 3 awards? Serendipity? LOL

We are also seeing Alwyn Uytingco in a different, albeit more positive light. Now that his "baby fats" have pretty much dissipated, he steps up into the limelight as a charismatic, compelling actor. He is effectively subdued as Martin compared to the cloying emotionality of LJ Reyes. And what's with all those ghosts, which I believe was either a misplaced or misused concept!

That they allow the movie-going public to actually dispense hard earned money to waste on this ghastly drivel is nothing short of a criminal offense. That "The Leaving" is borne out of the director's inspiring Berlinale experience is another testament that participation in "prestigious" film festivals shouldn't be construed as synonymous with film making excellence. After all, didn't Mark Shandii Bacolod's "Fidel" walk the same glittery red carpet as did director Ian Loreno?

Now how about this. Let's all line them up. Off with their heads!

LJ Moreno and Arnold Reyes: Are we in a drama? Horror? Comedy?

Alwyn Uytingco: The only glimmer of hope in a sea of banality!

Kim and Gerald Say Goodbye in "Till My Heartaches End"

Star Cinema films are rife with characters who always have issues with their families. Let's take a short roll call: John Lloyd Cruz's Migui Montenegro in "A Very Special Love" and "You Changed My Life" (who had to prove to his dad that he could run a company); Sam Milby's Nico Borromeo in "Babe, I Love You" (who needed to prove to his mother Laurice Guillen that he could succeed in the academic world; and Gerald Anderson's Powie Barredo ("Till My Heartaches End") is nothing different. He is the patriarch's bastard son who has to prove to dad Mark Gil that he is capable of dredging himself out of waitering. And what a great leap it is to finally have him succeed in the real estate business.

He meets Agnes Garcia (Kim Chiu), a Cebuana who's reviewing for the nursing boards. Sparks fly and the couple soon floats on a wave that takes Powie at the top of the heap. He is soon investing for condo units of his own; buying luxury cars for representation; and parading Agnes as his trophy girlfriend.

While Agnes' world revolves around Powie, the latter is starting to feel the constraints of her unwavering attention. How else would you feel if a girl tells you, "Mamamatay ako pag nawala ka!" It may sound romantic in novels, but in the general scheme of things, such sentimentality is nothing short of disturbing. When pressed with work, and you're bombarded with 5 dozens of text messages, do you fawn at her devotion? Shivers!

Kim Chiu delivers a one-note performance, no thanks to a myopic script that chose to showcase character evolution on Powie while Chiu's Agnes is left to mope around like an irritating wet blanket. But Gerald Anderson, as Powie, delivers a surprisingly intuitive performance worthy of the spotlight set on him. While Chiu stays afloat to survive a horrible screen persona, Anderson soars. He is charming and quite affecting, although he sometimes resorts to some bad facial affectations.

The narrative starts off compellingly, but soon loses steam. We are then made to endure a harrowing series of contrived, oft-repeated situations that grate through our patience. The film's middle 3rd is particularly tired and repetitious which is too bad, since this is a Jose Javier Reyes film. And Reyes hasn't done a bad rom-com in ages.

But just when we were ready to write it off as a forgettable flick altogether, Director Reyes pulls a brilliant trick out of his magical cauldron - and delivers a cinematic ending not usually upheld in mainstream romcoms! And if only for that, this sagging film is rendered its salvation!

RABID BEHAVIOR

With the hullabaloo surrounding disgruntled Kimerald fans (those acid-throwing threats, jesus!), it is clear how some elements of fandom could try to curtail the basic freedom of movie stars concerned. Since when were fans given the license to dictate the personal affairs of the stars they're supposed to emulate and support? That Anderson would appease these idiots by saying "They're not Kimeralds!" Who is he fooling? Not me! Eh sino yung mga yun, fans ni Maricel Soriano? O - baka fans ni Mahal at ni Mura! That's pretty hilarious, if I were to say it!

It was the right move from ABS-CBN to submit transcripts from these dictatorial nincompoops' Facebook shoutouts to the NBI so that these badgering fans shall eventually learn of their rightful place inside the comfortable confines of Manila City Jail!

What Godawful fans! If I were the artista, and these were my fans, dictating my every move - instead of being supportive of me, as Elizabeth Ramsey once said, "Magpapatuka na lang ako sa ahas!"

As for Kim, I shall forward what my yaya said about her - "Ayaw pag subra ug yaya!" (The last word is supposed to be pronounced with a glottal stop in both syllables.)

Don't you just hate weepers?

Gerald Anderson shines as Powie Barredo!

Kim Chiu is stuck in Agnes Garcia's self-pity!