Worst Performances of 2010

What constitutes a bad performance? That should be an easy dissertation, any time; any day.

One giveaway criteria is the presence of the blank facies, unless you're portraying the role of a catatonic schizophrenic. The wooden or statue-inspired amble, which Ciara Sotto perfected in "SpEd Hearts". The monotone delivery where you seem to be reading an essay in front of the camera. The shallow soul, where the exigency of an emotion is depicted through verbose lines and eardrum-shattering squalls, instead of a well-invested emotion (like much of the characters in "In Your Eyes"). The over-eager, under exposed actor who tries hard to stick out from his scarce screen time (not unlike several of Emir's "maids" but gloriously exemplified in brazen and insolent splendor by Melanie Dujunco). The black-and-white 2-D characterizations in actors who can't get a middle ground between emotions like disappointment, anger and hatred. The inability to assume any other persona other than what others know (much like Mo Twister, and why not, when you're already chirpy and charming, right?).

Sometimes, an exceedingly beautiful face gets in the way. Look at Sam Pinto. When you look at her, you are transfixed in time, the way she magically suspends herself in a single facial expression. She's upset? She's happy? She's occupied? Might as well wear a mask, it's a single expression! Another example is Rocky Salumbides. Check out his photo down below - now that is a face steep with expression! His photo just explodes with several degrees of emotion. Unfortunately, on a moving image, it is the same unmoving face, removed of all the muscles that create movements to convey emotion.

Another point to consider is the absolute lack of insight in a given role. Are you a testosterone-raging lothario? Then why do you speak like an 8 year old girl? Then, there's the oversimplification of a character. When a script assigns a sad persona, like someone who is dealing with extreme personal tragedies, do you mope in woe-is-me fashion for 2 full hours?

Finally, when a character annoys his audience when he is supposed to be charming, that should fall under a "worst performance" category.

We have vegetated on this list for about a week or so. It is such a displeasure to have to pay anything between P150 to 191 (a non-3D seat for the uneven "The Green Hornet" at the Galleria is a ridiculous P191) just to experience any of the aforementioned criteria. But more than anything, we do hope that they learn from these errr... star-making turns!

From 73 commercially released local flicks, this is 2010's Worst Performances: (in random order)

1. Allen Dizon ("Marino:Call of the Sea") as Benjo, a conscientious seaman who constantly worries about his wife (Ara Mina) back home. Even when he was shagging Krista Ranillo (who played a hooker) in Thailand, he was missing his melon-mammary wife.

2. Ciara Sotto ("SpEd Heart") as Rina, a special education teacher turned between her disagreeable dad and her boyfriend (Paolo Rivero). Ciara exemplifies the confused somnambulist. Danica Sotto (a co-star) could have done a lot better than the lethargic Ciara.

3. Toffee Calma ("Parisukat") opens the movie as a frisky "businessman" attacked by a gay serial killer. You do wonder why he never seem to have learned - and done away with his monotone delivery. He was one of the busiest sexy actors of the 90's appearing in one sexy flick after the next, opposite new sex nymphets.

4. Melanie Dujunco ("Emir") as Mylene, an obsequious servant at a royal household in an Emirate state. Dujunco was annoyingly fervid. She was a distraction, sticking out from the flow of an unremitting narrative. For a minor role, she unwittingly called too much attention to herself. As we said before, there are no small roles for good actors, but there's no role big enough for bad!

5. Richard Gutierrez ("In Your Eyes") as illegal immigrant Storm who fancies himself as a big time photographer instead of an unemployed free loader. If there is a criteria for blandness, go look his way. Remember what they say about shallow waters? And you wonder why he has such kaleidoscopic lines in the film.

6. Sheree as Lucy, the foul mouthed cinema prostitute in "S.R.O - Standing Room Only ." Cursing away like there's no tomorrow, spouting peremptory lines ( "Putang ina naman, Nestor. Hindi madaling magbate ha. Amoy Clorox na nga itong kamay ko," "Singkwenta lang? Nagpaputok ka pa sa labi ko. Halos nagkakasugat sugat na nga ang suso ko sa kakalapirot mo.") as though that would make her a thespian of note.

7. Mo Twister ("White House") as Ken, the loud and arrogant radio DJ and horror “housemate” who can’t pretend even for two hours how to be anybody else other than himself.

8. Victoria Haynes ("666") as the possessed teenager Donna who should be banished to la-la land.

9. Carl Guevarra ("Mamarazzi") as Andi Eigenmann's nerdy boyfriend who acts like a shrinking violet with the voice of an 8 year old school girl.

10. Gloria Romero ("Tarima") as the contemptible Lola Imang whose mean and abusive streaks don’t have rhyme or reason. Hers is an opprobrious character made to shout invectives many times over - "Hudas ka, Demonyo, Kapal ng mukha, Patay gutom, Walang hiya!" We've always loved her in anything she's been in, but with Neal Tan and a wanting script, the veteran actress is reduced to caricature.

11. Philip Salvador ("Rosario") as the powerful patriarch of a sprawling tobacco hacienda in the 1920's. Whatever happened to one of the most influential Brocka Babies? When he was younger, he was god. Times have changed though. Check out his one-note performances in the following films: As Daniel Reyes in "Baler", as KC Concepcion's dad in "For The First Time".

12. Rocky Salumbides ("Tarima") as the reclusive inmate Bryan who shines with smoldering dullness. (See above)

13. Guio Munoz (Indie Boys) as the duplicitous new actor Delfin who displayed raw naivete in his cunning persona. Huh?

14. Sam Pinto ("Petrang Kabayo") as Samantha, one of Peter's nosy relatives. In this Vice Ganda comedy, Ms. Pinto exposed herself as having the intuitive sincerity of a shoe brush. And what's with all these roles with names much like hers? Samantha in "Petrang Kabayo", Samara in "Si Agimat at Si Enteng Kabisote". She loves to be "full of herself", doesn't she? ;->

15. Rob Da Silva ("Lagpas") as bushy browed Diego who couldn’t decide if his character was a good guy, a bad guy or that gay guy who loves to take his briefs off.

"eXsena" Lures Jeff Luna, Charles Delgado and the Pink Boys

There was a time when guys were mere afterthoughts in skin flicks. These days, with the economic viability of pink-flavored flicks, guys have become centers of attraction, while baring ladies are treated as disposable decoratives. I think times have dictated the showcasing of guys as "objects of desire" instead of the fairer sex. This trend is evident in the current crop of exploitation films being churned out by 2nd rate production companies like Leo Films who's producing male-oriented films week after week. One such flick is the fly-by-night indie called "eXsena".

Darry dela Cruz’s “eXsena” gathers some of the country’s most in-demand pink cinema boytoys - Paolo Rivero, Kristoffer King, Charles Delgado, Jeff Luna and Rob da Silva (of "Lagpas") - apparently, to knock some sense into viewers’ libidinous heads as the gay indie cautions them about the hazards of poverty and male prostitution! Sounds noble, doesn’t it? But “nobility” should only be attributed to something (or someone) illustrious - like the British Queen perhaps, who’s born into it.

While the movie isn't as bad as Cris Pablo’s schlongs-and-gutterfests nor as brain-dead as Adolf Alix’s self-indulgent "Temptation Island" parody he labelled “D’Survivors,” Darry dela Cruz's film isn't that much different from other perfidious gay flicks that use every conceivable tricks in the Exploitation 101 Handbook to eke out scenes that “artistically” display their actors’ assets (or liabilities, depending on how you look at it) in flagrante delicto. And which “actors” can do this daunting task of displaying phallic cartilages better than King (“Serbis”, "Indie Boys") and Delgado (“S.R.O.", "Pagnanasa", "Junior,” “Senior”)?

Luna, Rivero, King, Delgado and Da Silva - Pink Film boytoys in "eXsena"!

The movie follows Ron (Kristoffer King), a perpetually cash-strapped cameraman who witnesses how the stories of the film’s other protagonists play out. Charles Delgado is 18-year-old Ferdie Romero, a provinciano bit player who relocates to Manila after a gay director-pimp, Leonard Villarama, convinces him he’s got what it takes to be a sexy star (wasn't he another provinciano lured into the big city in "Pagnanasa"?) - this occurs during an excruciatingly vomit-inducing moment they share on the casting couch (a similar scene with Delgado opened "Pagnanasa" produced by the same film outfit!) When Ferdie gets to Manila, however, he realizes that the megman is dirt-poor, and there’s really not much (film) work to be had from the director, who then peddles Ferdie’s sexual services to other gay men.

Meanwhile, Ron is having a difficult time making ends meet, as he is being constantly nagged by his wife (Lorraine Lopez). Worse, he’s unaware that his disconsolate wife is having a scorching affair with a strapping Cebuano hunk (Jeff Luna) who wants to elope to Nueva Ecija with her. Ron manages to steal a colleague’s assignment by dropping his pants in front of his arrogant gay producer (Rob da Silva, who once again bottoms as he did in "Lagpas").

Ron’s ability to “find” work amazes another financially needy cameraman (Paolo Rivero), who eventually shoves his crotch on Da Silva’s face to earn much-needed money he desperately needs to pay off his debts.

Another opportunity presents itself to Ron when he gets to the location shoot of the porn-flick racket he stole from his cameraman friend—darn it, the film’s hunky lead is nowhere to be found! So, he convinces the gay director that he’s more than able to pull off the “challenging” task of performing sex scenes in front of the camera.

Leo Films can't seem to go beyond caricatures. After all, it's obvious that "art" isn't its primary objective, is it? This reduces every actor in this film looking like walking penises, instead of sympathetic characters. As always, King and Delgado are more than willing to strip and shake their chunky nakedness in front of the camera. Rivero at least displays an affecting vulnerability in a role that he’s done ad nauseum. 

But what bothered me most was the expendability of the lone female lead, Lorraine Lopez ("Pipo", "Big Night"). When are females suddenly second-class citizens in sex flicks? When Lorraine finally gets to disrobe, I shivered at witnessing unsightly adiposal excrescences. I suddenly understood why she's just a side show.

Lorraine Lopez: flawless beauty, artistic pose that hide unflattering flabs. Nothing that a few hours of treadmill a week won't remedy.

Note:

Please read our featured post on how Web Criticism is at times populated by wanna-be writers who can't even write yet they posture like critics!! Example - Cinema Bravo!

- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html

Lagpas - The Cleanest Guys in Town

Let’s consider for a second that there’s even a semblance of a coherent story in Hedji Calagui’s “Lagpas”.

Orlando (Dennis Torres) is carrying a torch for bushy browed Diego (Rob Da Silva) who’s being verbally and (on occasion) sexually abused by his roommate Sandro (Kim Allen) who, in turn, is selling Winston’s (Dustin Jose) drugs. Unfortunately, naughty boy Sandro is plotting a money-making heist that would eventually pin down all the blame on morose Diego who can’t seem to find his briefs (eh?) Meanwhile, the youngest guy Roy (Miko Laurel) suspects the worst from the situation. On Roy’s birthday, he alerts Orlando of Diego’s impending downfall. If it all seems coherent, it’s because there’s lucidity in my writing more than the film’s storytelling. LOL

That we’re made belatedly aware of Orlando’s health concerns becomes an ineffectual blot in Calagui’s alternative dimension. Nothing here is vaguely believable! The director was more concerned with offering his audience the cleanest guys this side of tinsel town by having not one, not two or three – or even four – but FIVE bathing scenes!

Miko Laurel tells Dennis Torres something's coming down. And why does he even care? Rob Da Silva's character is nothing but an antipathetic, frowning pest all throughout the film! They're not even related!

If this seems to inspire his audience, his limited artistry is lost in me! Heck, even the repetitive bathing scenes look unimaginatively redundant, albeit with different male specimen showing off their butts and the occasional peekaboo of mushroom heads! You would know his range of imagination – a pail of water, a dipper (tabo) and an obliquely positioned naked male body. Voila! We acquire Calagui’s visual catharsis! In one scene, we see the drug dealing Winston all exasperated so he slips into a deserted kanto full of empty barrels and a leaky faucet. Before we know it, he was bathing ponderously! LOL

To conjure a sense of denouement, we later discover Orlando and Diego’s mutual affection for each other; something that’s barely glimpsed from their earlier scenes together. In fact, Diego seemed peeved with Orlando’s presence. And really now, Dennis Torres fawning over Rob Da Silva?

Finally, this film is conspicuously mistitled, and should have been called “Ligo”!

There used to be a humorous reference to the proliferation of tabloid writers: “Pinabili lang ng suka, writer na!” These days, it’s a new generation's variant: “Nakabili lang ng video camera, director na!” Annals of Philippine Indies in a capsule!

Rob Da Silva and Dennis Torres: declaring their love from out of the blue!

Kim Allen before he bathes! ;->

Now the bathing scenes:

Dennis Torres soaps away!

Dustin Jose - Ligo sa kanto!

Eye candy and nothing else.