Hostage Ko Multo - Hundred Tired Gags in Cornucopia of Inanities

The title of this Junn P. Cabreira movie, "Hostage Ko Multo" reminds me of the blood curdling Crisaldo Pablo diarrheic stool called "Kiss Meeh, Manananggal Me" that starred the ebullient English patient, Alyssa Alano. Is it as crass, unfocused and imbecilic? Come on, Crisaldo Pablo has really lorded it over the most execrable film works ever released commercially in the Philippines!

"Hostage Ko Multo" is a wee bit better, but not by much.

Capsule

Isko (Smokey Manaloto) and Iska (Mariz Santiago) leave their humdrum lives in Bicol to seek greener pastures in Manila, but with hardly a plan or a place to go, they end up getting robbed off their money. Fortunately, they were mistaken as the new househelps in Don Emilio's (Jun Urbano) household. They find friends in Kikay, the mayordoma (Lea Ledesma), and Jinggoy, the driver (Jacob Medalla). What follows is a steady supply of "Bubble Gang" gags and harmless flirtations of the quartet. A perky musical number is even thrown in to showcase the voice of Iska and Kikay. But just when we were starting to think we were watching the 3rd world version of the "Sound of Music", they introduced another plot device - ghosts! Isko occasionally feels the presence of "ghosts". But they readily forgot this until a gang of thugs attacked the reclusive Chinese businessman Don Emilio - who's constantly shown trimming plants: grapes, hedges, trees, bonsai. Name your plant, he's trimming it!

The delightful household gets hostaged by gun-toting baddies (headed by Robert Miller). They are demanding P50 million pesos. Don Emilio's "chief security officer" (the new King of Over-acting himself, Roldan Aquino) - who's recently undergone circumcision - is helpless as he waits outside the gate. What becomes of the chirpy group of hostages? Whatever happened to the ghosts? If you have the knack of putting elements together, you can summon a good guess, and you just might get it!

Director Junn P. Cabreira's last cinematic venture was a sex drama - "Asawa Mo, Misis Ko" - starring Sheila Ysrael, Via Veloso and Patrick Guzman. This was shown 14 years ago! Prior to that, Cabreira helmed a lot of Joey Marquez sex-comedies ("Mahal, Saan Ka Natulog Kagabi", "Flavor of the Month", "Lover's Delight", "Mahal Ko Ang Mister Mo"). His 90's sensibilities filter throughout "Hostage Ko Multo" as he peppers the whole crap (did i say "crap"? ooopss!) with a hundred and one tired old gags, you'd think you were watching inferior vesions of "Banana Split", "Loko Moko U" or "Bubble Gang".

To illustrate these gags, here are just a few:

Isko (upon reading a sign that says "Wanted: GRO, Waiter, Driver"): "Tanungin natin baka puwedeng mag apply!"

Iska: "Tanga! Wanted ng mga pulis yan!"

***

Kikay: "Heto ang fried chicken. Kain na kayo."

Isko (taking the whole chicken for himself): "Di yan (Iska) kumakain ng kahit na anong hayop na may mukha."

***

A mongo-sized booger (kulangot) is seen just above Isko's upper lip. Kikay and Jinggoy tells him that he has rice above his lips. He proceeds by eating it, then he says, "Di naman kanin yun. Maalat alat eh!" (IMHO, Gross is never funny!)

***

Jinggoy (on Kikay): "Ang huling boyfriend nyan, namatay sa kahihiyan!"

Kikay (on Jinggoy): "Ang huling girlfriend nyan, namatay sa galis!"

***

When Iska complains of the lack of ventilation inside the maid's quarters, Kikay points to the refrigerator near them. She opens the ref and remarks: "Pag gising mo bukas, ice candy ka na!"

***

Kikay instructs Iska to place sugar at the salt container, and salt at the sugar container. When Iska asks why, Kikay replies: "Para wag langgamin!" (Huh?)

***

Isko asks Don Emilio the difference between "dinner" and "supper" - and why he keeps interchanging the two words. His reply: "Ang 'dinner', pag kumakain ako sa labas masarap kasi masarap ang pagkain sa restaurants . 'Supper" kasi I "suffer" pag kinakain ko ang luto ni Kikay!"

Some of the lines really scrape the bottom. When Jinggoy gives Kikay a bunch of roses, she remarks, "Nung huling binigyan mo ako ng rosas, ang dalawang buwang suweldo ko, inutang mo!"

***

Boy: "Ano ang tawag sa lumulutang sa dagat? Nasa letter S."

Girl: "Sirena"

Boy: "Hindi siya babae."

Girl: "Syokoy"

Boy: "Di sya lalaki."

Girl: "Syoki!"

Boy: "Eh di Salbabida!"

***

Isko: "Ba't laging Chinese ang kinikidnap?"

Don Emilio: "Kasi pag Pinoy, hulugan. Pag Bombay, 5:6. Pag Amerikano, credit card. Pag Chinese, cash!"

Despite a trite material, Smokey Manaloto mines his comedic flair, making the tired inanities bearable. It also helps that editing is brisk, giving the gags and their punchlines perfunctory character. Awkward executions, common among indie directors, are kept to a minimum. This should be attributable to Director Cabreira's long experience in the industry. Even the newbies: Jacob Medalla, Lea Ledesma, Mariz Santiago, do their effusive best to catch up with Manaloto and Jun Urbano (who does his bit of Mr. Shooli here, with his tsinoy speak). The newcomers occasionally falter with insipid punch lines and unmoderated reactions, but there's really so much you can do with the material. At the very least, you could give them a pat for their enthusiasm.

This cinematic smorgasbord feels like a glorified and expanded TV gag show. An easy clue on its unfocused concept is flaunted by its title: "Hostage Ko Multo"! Taking the first person, it is obvious that the "titular" character ("ko") is either Smokey Manaloto or Jun Urbano, but why would either Isko or Don Emiliano hostage ghosts? They were the hostages, for Pete's sake! Not the ghosts! But "Hostage Ko Multo" rhymes, doesn't it?

Titular rhyming is sometimes more important than rational titling, right?

Six footer Jacob Medalla plays driver Jinggoy.

Leah Ledesma plays mayordoma Kikay who has her eyes on conceited Jinggoy.

Untamed Virgins - Lessons on How Not To Make an Erotica

There are two unrelated films in John Ad. Castillo and Z. Lokman's redolently titled "Untamed Virgins"; one follows an indigenous dark-skinned tribe as they go about their daily routine in the jungle; the other is a largely unfocused yarn of two families living within similar territory..

When Bating (Roldan Aquino) meets Ayu (Ramona Revilla), he seeks to find the "magic leaves" that shall bring back his sexual vitality. He is Tuwa-tuwa's tribal chief - old, morbidly obese, and has grown up children Angi and Miro (Miguel Ramirez). Ayu is the mother of two girls, Unga (Zairah Diwa) and Ulan. Ayu is in a clandestine relationship with a sexually predatory man who's constantly threatening to "deflower" the girls. He also wants to sequester a parcel of land that Bating owns. To add flavor to this confounding story, timid Miro is circumspect with his attraction to Unga. Will his affection be reciprocated?

In what should be one of the decade's most inept movie, the production banks on its suggestions of erotica circa 1980's (do you really doubt this when its title is "Untamed Virgins"?). But 80's erotica is usually populated by pretty nubile nymphets who usually bare their boobs in repeated shower scenes.

In this film, the closest thing you have of a nymphet is Ramona Revilla who must be pushing 40. Besides Zaira Diwah, the rest of the female cast carries bulging abdomen, static emotions and inert facial expressions. The men, on the other hand, sport potbellies bigger than the gongs of Xinjiang. Even Miguel Ramirez (who we saw in "Haliparot - Mana Sa Ina", seen below) sports a tummy bump! And really now, if all you're after is erotic cinema, isn't it basic that you must have performers that won't repulse the viewers that you aim to titillate? Unless of course you have the brain of a dodo...

And there are no breasts exposed, nor peekaboo penises from these tub-o-lard actors either! This is the most G-rated erotica we've ever laid eyes on!

The lines are comedic at best:

When a man attempts to kiss a woman:

Woman: "Ba't ako nakakaramdam ng takot o kakaibang kaligayahan lang?"

Man: "Gusto mo dadalhin kita sa paraiso?"

When Ayu (the mother) finds blood running down daughter Ulan's thighs, she turns to her paramour and shouts, "Ano'ng ginawa mo sa kanya?" Hasn't she heard of menstruation?

As an analogy to making love to a girl, a man advises Miro - "Ang babae, pag natikman mo, ito ay tulad ng nganga (betel nut) na babalik balikan mo!" (I almost fell off my seat!)

When Bating scours the jungles to look for his "mahiwagang dahon" (magic leaf supposedly possessing Viagra potency), he finds a porcupine under a tree. He was so petrified he jumped on a tree and couldn't get back down until Miro finds him the next day.! He regales, "Nakakita ako ng napakaraming malalaki't mababangis na hayop!" (I saw huge, wild animals) A single diminutive porcupine?

The second film is absolutely unrelated to the narrative above. In fact, you would know it from the color of the natives' skin, it might as well be a no-audio documentary that follows these ethnic men as they hunt down monkeys then disembowel them (they even cook them under a bonfire and eat their flesh); prepare baits; perform ethnic dances, go fishing with spears, catch chicken with arrows, etc.

These two films are interfused fecklessly, but the color grading discrepancy provides a jarring contrast, you feel disoriented every single time the scenes change.

When Ayu goes mano-a-mano with her lover, Unga calls on Miro (whose father was spewing blood after eating different jungle leaves) for help! But instead of helping Ayu at the scene, the lovers embrace each other as Unga retorts with an asinine, "Hayaan nating magunaw ang mundo!" Huh? This must have surprised Miro because he actually breaks the 4th wall, looks at the camera, and pulls out his tongue!

Belat!

I kid you not!

How to disembowel monkeys.

A tribesman with red briefs on!

Roldan Aquino as tribal head Bating, one of the most blood-curdling sights we've ever witnessed in a movie that's supposed to be erotic!

Belat! Tapos na ang pelikula!

Ramona Revilla as Ayu - pretty after all these years! She looked smug all through her scenes. Kinda reminds me of an older JC Parker.