Celso Ad. Castillo's 666 - Dimwits Making Trash

About a month ago, I chanced upon an indie film that was directed by legendary "Messiah" director Celso Ad. Castillo. What really surprised me was the obvious absence of brain activity from the people behind this film! This wasn't your run-of-the-mill mediocre digital indie, this was among the worst films of all time!

Isn't it absolutely festive then that the makers of "Fidel" can now heave a sigh of relief? After all, if it's a lonely place at the top, it could be lonelier at the bottom, couldn't it?

The film: 666 (a.k.a. "Sanib 2")

Several years after an abusive environment in the U.S., mother and daughter (Jacklyn Jose and newcomer Victoria Haynes) come home to a start a new life. But in the dark canopies of their secluded resort live itinerant souls who would soon possess teenager Donna (Haynes)! What follows is a harrowing set of scenes - for the audience!

To list down our misgivings on the film is to come up with a 5-parter in this blog, which is like saying, that it deserves to be written about - so we've decided to just zero in on the film's major drawbacks!

The sound was the work of a hearing impaired sound technician: you'd hear a badly dubbed Jacklyn Jose with the voice of an Esther Chavez; when two people are conversing, you'd hear one person speak with reverb, while the other one is almost inaudible as though she was talking from the other room! It was hilarious! I kid you not! In this age of high tech film making gimmickry, this film takes the cake for having the most ludicrous technicals in motion picture history!

When the priest finally gets to visit the possessed Donna, she would speak with 6 different voices, none of them intelligible! I would have been a little tolerant if the images were barely acceptable, but like most Pinoy indies, the images were skewed, blurred, strobey and wobbly! Then there's the musical score that had its own desideratum. It just wanted to overpower whatever gibberish crap that was happening on screen. Whoever this misguided soul was only wanted to be heard - and HEARD he was!

Victoria Haynes should in principle be shipped off to the far reaches of the earth - and that if she ever comes back, should be under house arrest for the remainder of her life!

Special Participation

There was this character who played the resort's overseer, but her whole presence provided nothing more than an acrid distraction! She was in her 50's, yet she constantly dressed in the skimpiest of garments and minis, and heels the height of the Empire State Building - as though she were to make her catwalk after scaring the monsters away! It turns out that she was the producer and co-director - Honey Blanca! And I am baffled why she felt she needed to sashay around the resort the way she did! Whoever gave her such delusion should be banished as well - along with Victoria Haynes!

Well, at least, that's one less bucket list for Ms. Blanca who should be celebrating her 60th birthday in less than a decade! Isn't it wise to spend your money on adult diapers instead?

Now why do I even bother? Because I was tricked into paying P150 for what I wouldn't even watch for free had I known! And as though that wasn't punishment enough: After running the movie ahead of schedule, they realized that they started 20 minutes too early - so they stopped the film and re-started all that crap again - prolonging our agony even more!

In a major cinema like SM Megamall Cinema 7!

The nerve of these people!

Everybody's Fine - Catharsis on View

Robert de Niro isn't the type of guy who can make me cry. His films of late cater to edgy crime caperss and action thrillers, but in "Everybody's Fine" he was such a sweetheart!

Frank (Robert de Niro) is almost devastated that all of his 4 grown-up children have cancelled their visits for their reunion. It had been 8 months since his wife passed away. So he decided, if they can't come to him, he will go to them. Unable to travel by air, he takes trains and buses and travel cross-country to surprise them! But as his unannounced visits end up with a cold shoulder - or no shoulder at all! What gives?

Nope, this isn't the frothy sitcom that its trailer seemed to suggest. It is your road movie to realizing that family is indeed worth keeping - and honesty is imperative in making things work. It's a heart-warming tale that begs to be seen!

Robert de Niro waits for the truth!

Drew Barrymore is flying high in Vegas.

Kate Beckinsale is a busy advertising executive! Pitch it to me, hon!

Sam Rockell and Drew Barrymore in "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind". Sam prefers to play the drums, than conducting the orchestra!

Martin and Gary V in "As 1" - When Over The Hill Means Something Else

I couldn't switch the channel off. I was transfixed watching this concert shown on TV. My pest of a brother kept saying, "Mga laos!" but the annoying mosquito kept watching along, even caught him humming a few times. I was of course tempted on committing a homicide, but mom just changed her carpet into immaculate white, straight from the weaving hands of Kashmir! So I didn't dare spill blood on her carpet for fear of my own precious life!

To be honest about it, I have mostly watched Gary Valenciano's concerts more than Martin's in the past, simply because Gary's sound used to be youthful and easy to groove with. I'd rather dance than weep during concerts, or else I'd feel like such a teddy bear! Whenever I hear or see a thing of such unbridled beauty, I just couldn't help myself from crying! I don't know why! It's automatic, like a disease. I remember watching "Cats" at the Westend when I was younger; hated the whole spectacle, but when Elaine Paige sang "Memory", I was reduced to a ridiculously embarrassing wet blanket! Later that night, my tita offered another free ticket for the same musical featuring an alternate this time! Are they nuts? "Cats" to my mind is the most ridiculous musical of that generation and Andrew Lloyd Weber should have been fed to the safari ants for that! Regardless of my thoughts on its merits (or demerits), a beautifully sang song never fails to move me! Thank you, Miss Paige for that!

Would Miss Lea Salonga actually fare less than Ms. Paige, I doubt that! Sure, the local naysayers may disagree but what do they know. They nitpick for effect! But since i have obviously digressed...

In the concert "As 1", Martin Nievera proves to the new generation of music lovers that there, indeed, is only one singer with that beautiful voice, and the enviable control of his vocal pipes. He may have appeared breathless and close to collapsing at some point, but this never showed in his voice which was clear, even the notes that required falsettos from Gary V. songs were sang perfectly, I was just in love! When he finally did "You Are My Song", he transformed back into the suave and fit Martin Nievera of the early 90's! Boy! You have the heavens to be grateful for!

Gary V. on the other hand was in perfect form. He was fit and he was psyched the way he always was in the past. But there is something in his posturings that kept turning me off. It wasn't just me. Even my annoying brother kept saying, "He's gonna gag and praise himself again!" For someone who preaches the words of God, he is so amused and pleased with himself. In one number, he declares on camera, "It was so great, I wish I could just be part of the audience and watch us perform!" Then his ears flip right back, happy with his statement. If that isn't being "full of himself", I dunno what is?

He does see himself like some royalty. In fact, why would you let other co-performers call you "Sir Gary" in "A.S.A.P."? I shiver every time I hear it! Eww! Just last saturday, at their fun new game show, "Twist and Shout", I heard Martin in jest, "When were you knighted?" when Guji Lorenzana (or was it Jay R Siaboc) called him "Sir Gary"! Have you been reading my mind, Mr. Nievera? My thoughts exactly! Shouldn't there be an 11th commandment against such conceit?

Reality is, I am hats down to their talent. They are both deserving of their longevity in the business. But it is really Martin Nievera's voice that has renewed my interest, my being a fan to this smart, funny, brilliant, albeit dyspneic, musical artist!

As they perform "Take Me Out of the Dark", the camera pans on Martin's face. His eyes well up, then his tears flow freely, like tiny pearls of heartbreaks, while Gary V. was singing his turn. When Martin opens his mouth to sing his part, his voice booms clear and sincere, affecting and melodic, pitch perfect as when the day I first heard him sing "Make A Smile (Meldy)" with his twin!

When you are this talented and brilliant, you'll never be "over the hill"! Binatukan ko na ang kapatid ko! LOL

The luster of real gold doesn't wane, that much is clear. That's something to make you feel it isn't so bad! Make a smile, Martin!

"Sir Gary" wishes he was at the audience watching themselves perform!

"Hating Kapatid" Lays Eggs in Davao

"Breaking Box Office Records? How Can That Be? It's Gathering Flies in Davao City!"

My friend Iyaya called me from Davao City. She and her office mates were sent by her company to close a deal (she works in a multinational company based in Makati). I have been telling her the graphic peddling of commercial products in "Hating Kapatid" and I have in fact been egging her on to watch. She rang to tell me that she went to see the 4:40 PM screening of "Hating Kapatid" July 30, 2010 Friday (SM Davao Cinema 2)! She reports: "It's mura here, a ticket costs P90! It was so relaxing because I hated crowds and there were just the 2 of us there, and another guy at the back.Three people for one whole theater! Mike refused to watch it coz he's heard how bad it is so went to watch 'Salt' instead which started an hour earlier!"

Straight from the horse's mouth! Breaking box office records? Baka breaking EGGS! Bwahaha! This news is really easy to verify as the details are very specific - and SM, through Mr. Ric Camaligan (SM Cinema's C.O.O.), usually issues statistics of movies shown in their cinemas nationwide!

3 people on a Friday? Breaking box office record? Let's call it KARMA!

Halik sa Tubig - Of Cluttered Mess, Naughty Men and Spaced Out Goddeses

Kiro Baldemor, Orlando Sol and Marco Morales : Naughty triumvirate!

In Alejandro “Bong” Ramos’ “Halik sa Tubig” (Kiss in the Water), they start with an introduction about those “kwentong bayan” – which, let me tell you up front, are all hogwash. This particular small town lore is about a mythical earth goddess named Mercedita, a powerful wandering earth-bound diwata who watches over the brokenhearted of Binangonan, Rizal (she is territorial – LOL). In this story, we follow Ilo (Paolo Paraiso) who’s pining for the childhood sweetheart who left. Ten years into his search, he finds her married – and ill!

Ilo works as a caretaker of a fishpen, locally called “batilyo”; a job he shares with 3 other guys: Kain (Marco Morales), Pitong (Kiro Baldemor), and Andong (Orlando Sol). One fateful day, he finds a lady washed up amidst floating lilies. Her name – Mercedita. Is she or isn’t she?

Althea Vega is Mercedita

Director Ramos finally shows in his tacky story telling the limits of his capacity as a filmmaker. Good visuals don’t suffice. In fact, even color grading here is experimental at best. Some scenes they OD’ed with color saturation; someone was left unattended playing with his picassa or photo shop – or whatever it is that adjusts cinema colors. Paolo, in one of his rare lead roles (Deo Fajardo Jr.'s "Casa" and Adolf Alix Jr.'s "Imoral"), appears disheveled and uninteresting. He mopes all throughout the film; his character never left the single dimension that he’s in!

It’s actually the triumvirate – Morales, Sol and Baldemor – that’s given the spotlight as they get themselves into different fracas that would highlight their sexual stamina. Orlando Sol registers strongly on screen (and he gets to show his butt up close too) and Marco Morales does what he usually does in films: swears, gets high, shows his ass, and fornicates. Just a couple of years since he started, the strain of his lifestyle is prematurely starting to show. Kiro on the other hand does… damn, what did he do there? Jeff Luna makes a horizontal cameo too.

Ramos’ latest movie is a cluttered mess. At no point did we ever believe on the mythology at hand. Casting Althea Vega ("Walang Kawala", "Big Night") as Mercedita may be contributory to this. There was nothing in her bearing that suggested royalty or mysticism. In fact, if they muted the sound or spliced a few scenes out, I would surmise she's the ecdysiast from the beerhouse down the corner, then got herself accidentally entangled in a sea of water lilies. After all, which goddess in their moments of lucidity would swiftly strip down on top of a hill just to enjoy the fresh ocean breeze? Which goddess would succumb to smoking weeds after a few prods from drunken men? Which goddess carries gravity-friendly size 40 boobs? I rest my case!

There were moments of pure hilarity too. Such as when Mercedita gets raped and we see her curling her toes. She sure loved the misdeed. When the voice over relates the comeuppance of the three guys, the prose went from ponderous to comedic: “… hanggang mabalot ito sa kalibugan ng dagat!” and “at di nila mapigilan ang magparaos”. Ngi! Then as if to save the best for last, the avenging goddess - with Mercedita hanging on a nipa wall - casts a spell upon the baddies: a spell that had them fondling and cavorting with each other. It's a ridiculously meretricious menage a trios. Everytime Ramos loses narrative steam, he turns to tawdry and ill-conceived ménage a trois to redeem his dwindling think board. (See “Araro”.) Brilliant!

To resurrect Paolo’s fastly nondescript character from cinematic limbo, he is given an off-the-wall scene with a ghost for closure! How utterly silly!

Fresh faced Orlando Sol registers strongly on screen. He is part of the overhauled singing group "Masculados".

Orlando and his sequined briefs.

Note:

Please read our featured post on Cinema Bravo and why Web Criticism isn't always about good and reliable writing:

- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html

Nine Times the Musical Magic

As Penelope Cruz sashays into her song "Guido", I was already in awe of the spectacle before me. Such is the power of Rob Marshall's "Nine" that hours after watching this musical, I was still humming songs from it!

Guido Contini (Daniel Day Lewis) is a brilliant but self-centered director who is pressured to start his next movie. And just like his previous works, the process requires him to "suffer" - and so he is! His muse (Nicole Kidman) is demanding for a script that doesn't exist. His mistress (Penelope Cruz) follows him around like a lovesick puppy. His dead mother (Sophia Loren) whispers encouraging words everywhere he goes. Vogue columnist Stepahnie (Kate Hudson) is seducing him for scoops. And his grieving wife Luisa (Marion Cotillard) is slowly losing patience and gradually letting him go. His only confidant is his wardrobe consultant Lilli (Judi Dench) who encourages him to make use of the talent he has, i.e. telling stories that move people. But Guido is drawing a blank! And time it seems is running out on him!

I love musicals, and I can only imagine the visceral pleasures of watching this play on Broadway! So far I am content with the movie - for now! It was such a joy watching Penelope Cruz. She will be the one to beat during the Oscar derby for the Best Supporting Actress! Whaddaya know! She won! My other favorite numbers were Marion's "My Husband Makes Movies" - sung so effortlessly! And of course, Nicole Kidman's "Unusual Way" (which Barbra Streisand lovingly interprets elsewhere).

Sophia Loren is adorable, and so is the young actor who played the child Guido - Giuseppe Spitaleri! What a cute kid!

Lastly, this should be a fitting homage to director Anthony Minghella (one of my favorite directors of all time - who directed "The English Patient") who co-wrote the script with Michael Tolin. (Story goes, Minghella handed his script to Marshall just before he went to the hospital - where he eventually expired!)

This musical is a dark tale of the parsimonious world of film-making; a tale of narcissism! For those who love their musicals frothy and fluffy, try elsewhere! This one's strictly for the thinking adults!

Penelope Cruz keeps surprising us. She opens the musical numbers with an sensuous rope-hugging number, "Guido". She purrs, "I am lusting for more. Should I settle for less? I ask you, what's a good thing for, if not for taking it to excess? One limitation I dearly regret; There's only one of me I've ever met."

Talking about a "real movie star", Nicole is luminous as Guido's main star Claudia. She coos, "In a very unusual way, one time I needed you. In a very unusual way, you were my friend. Maybe it lasted a day. Maybe it lasted an hour. But somehow it will never end."

Jeff Luna Plows The Barren Field in "Araro"

I refuse to be director Alejandro Bong Ramos' trumpet-blower. He doesn't get points from me for admitting the obvious - that all he intends to deliver are "skin flicks" which he still outdated calls "bold" as though we're still in the 80's. These days, we appropriately call them sex exploitation movies which has gotten synonymous with "indie movies" or "gay movies". These terms jubilantly interchange.

In "Araro" (Plow), a farming couple Andoy (Paolo Rivero) and Elena (hopelessly homely Lorraine Lopez) comes home to find a stranger resting inside their shanty. Steve (Jeff Luna) shakes their seemingly harmonious marital existence. Though initially suspicious of the new kid in town, they soon invite him to stay over after Andoy injures himself while farming his rice fields. "Dumito ka muna at tumulong; babayaran kita," offers Andoy, despite his wife's objections. Something in the soft spoken young man intrigues the couple. His presence will eventually rock the boat, what with Steve seductively taking skinny dips by the river. But just when you thought he would run away with Elena, we suddenly find him locking lips with Andoy! How convenient, right?

Well, this ends into a menage a trois that's too unseductive to watch, it was like reading a by-the-number tutorial on sexual orgy sans the requisite passion. Fine, they can then live happily ever after. But then there's that silly subplot about Steve's past (spoilers ahead: he escapes a defensive murder drama from the city) which is bound to catch up with our strapping hunk of a man!

The narrative is rather derivative we don't even have to look far for reference. Jeff Luna's recent release, the straight-to-video "Darang" also tells of an almost similar tale. But this film teeters into legitimacy - but not quite. First, camera work is sparklingly crystal, much like Ramos' other work, "Butas". He has the eye for such visuals which is sad as he has basically surrendered into being a skin flick director. A local palayan (rice field) has never looked this scenic and lovely in the green plains of Laur, Nueva Ecija. Some scenes were just too pretty they looked like gentle brush strokes. Another plus point is the way the narrative is moved by dialogue-free scenes. This is not a "talkative" movie, and it actually works for the story. It has successfully done away with too complicated "explanations" by being "silent". Paolo Rivero carries the performance grade here. His naturally calm presence reeks of an underlying pathos that when he cries for fear of being abandoned, his uhog drips and his heart breaks into tiny little pieces.

Jeff Luna, this season's it-man oozes with enough testosterone charm, it sometimes suffices that he just stands without opening his mouth. When he does, all possibilities of lewd fantasizing drop down exponentially. Much like his earlier movies, - "Libido", "Darang", "Chub Chaser", his straight-to-video sex flicks ("Summer Boys", a walk-on in "Here Comes the Bride", etc.) - he speaks with a doze-inviting, emotionally-hollow monotone, delivering his lines like he was reading from the page of a script. His face is a blank, which only changes when he closes his eyes to depict the emotions of a self-pleasuring gentleman - which he seems to do in every movie he does! Yet, even his masturbation scenes are hardly believable. Someone has to teach Jeff how to deliver emotions on screen fast! Half a dozen movies after and you're still a ham, Jeff? What gives? Otherwise, what becomes of his strong presence but being reduced to a mere phallic symbol! As for the only lady in the film, Lorraine Lopez, you somehow wonder what the makers see in her! Her mere presence is a mystery - and we refuse to further talk about her!

The director is fond of shots that inspire a voyeur; his camera floats on ceiling walls, doors ajar, holes in the wall. He isn't quite over "Butas". And it is obvious that he loves to highlight his actors in their several states of undress, Jeff Luna especially (check out his swimming scenes as he floats and flips over river waters, you'd notice a mushroom - LOL).

A lot of the arrogant indie film directors should learn Visuals 101 from Mr. Ramos. Chances are, it's really a matter of economics and how Mr. Ramos can afford to use a high definition video camera, while the others are content with their visual mediocrity. As for his ambition to wallow in skin flick heavens, what a waste! An admission of his story-telling limitation.

Isn't that sad?

Jeff Luna's testosterone charm and emotionally-hollow monotones.

Note:

Please read our featured post on Cinema Bravo and why Web Criticism isn't always about good and reliable writing:
- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html