Zombadings 1: Patayin sa Shokot si Remington - Gaiety Meets Homophobia

Remington is a hopeless homophobe. As a child, he would taunt homosexuals without much provocation. He would jeer, snicker and point his fingers as though he saw a clown. One fateful day, he finds a transvestite (Roderick Paulate) kneeling before a tomb. As has been his habit, he shouts and pokes funs at him. But the victim who bears wizardly powers wasn’t amused. With dagger looks, he casts a spell on the young boy, “When you turn adult, you will turn gay.” Thunder shakes the skies and his hexing hangs over Remington’s shoulders like a scepter about to engulf him. But time keeps the unrepentant child imprudent.

Fifteen years hence, Remington (Martin Escudero) is a strapping lad, active and facile. He detests his parent’s plan sending him to Manila for college. He’s reluctant to be anything else but his unambitious father Eduardo (John Regala) who mans the family’s carinderia. Meanwhile, he meets beautiful Hannah (Lauren Young) whose father recently died. Unfortunately for Remington, Hannah’s dear departed dad was among our protagonist’s victims. Though this doesn’t bother Hannah much, Remington (who’s infatuated with Hannah) doesn’t get points from his shady past.

There’s one more thing troubling the quaint town. A serial killer has sowed fear among local folk, claiming his 5^th victim, all of them beauty parlor-operating homosexuals. Who’s the next victim? Remington’s mother, Officer Fe Martinez (Janice de Belen) is knee deep in the case. And the gay community waits with bated breath who dies next?

As clock strikes 12 however, Remington (who turns 21) notices salient changes in his manner of speech, movement or garment choice. He is suddenly torn between Hannah who’s becoming receptive to his attention and his best friend Jigs (Kerbie Zamora) whom he suddenly finds attractive. What is going on here? Will Remington fall victim to a gaydar-toting murderer (who either fries his victims or turns them to dust)?

Told in brisk fashion, “Zombadings 1: Patayin sa Shokot si Remington” is clearly a metaphor on the bigotry that befalls the third sex and how the latter will eventually get their ascendancy in the scheme of things. After all, discrimination is injustice and a movement (i.e. a form of “uprising”), as the movie implies, would find its way in a rightful society, or would it? If anything, the film provides a hopeful chord that allows an under-the-radar sententious moral, and I don’t mean excessive moralizing. One can never get enough lessons for “gender discrimination”. The good news?

The film stands on feral ground where its entertainment value is concerned. The film is hilarious yet thought provoking. It’s hard not to get besotted with our hero/anti-hero Remington, marvelously played by the incandescent Martin Escudero. As Remington, Escudero is a pleasure to watch. The scene where he delivers a beauty contestant's speech is highly nuanced and insightful. He lights up the screen yet he never goes overboard. He curiously exhibits an innocence as well as circumvention that should otherwise contradict itself, but the insightful writing has made this plausible. After all, Remington is besieged by a duplicitous character: the woman-lover and the reluctant homosexual.

"Are you gay?" asks Remington's mother who's investigating the series of murders.

Confusion

What further buoys this flick is its adorable supporting cast: Daniel Fernando, Leandro Baldemor, Odette Khan (as the town mayor) and of course, there’s Eugene Domingo who cameos as roller-skating Mrs. Montano, Hannah’s mom who’s still dazed from her hubby’s demise. The big welcome surprise? The utterly winsome turn of John Regala who plays Eduardo, Remington’s father, who’s willing to do the ultimate sacrifice to save his “gay-now, straight-later” son. Regala never displayed the excesses pathognomonic of his career. After all, what could be worse than growing up ridiculed and chastised for being inherently limpwristed? Not that it’s even a personal choice.

I do have misgivings about the flagrant, unremitting sward speak, as though all homosexuals are flaming queens and engage in parlor-speak. The gay lingo tends to eventually get heavy-handed, thus alienating and as with most things, systems work best with moderation. There’s a hint of stereotyping that’s probably required to underscore emphasis? But this is a tenuous idea. I have to admit that the laughs were not as simultaneous nor successive as Marlon Rivera’s “Ang Babae sa Septic Tank” which was hilarious even on second viewing. But this isn’t saying it isn’t worth our hard earned money. I am just being didactic. This is director Jade Castro's better realized and most accomplished work. And make no mistake, this is a superior film.

Remington is suddenly bothered by his childhood friend Jig's random touch.

Beware of the spiteful homosexual. He might carry irreversible spells. Roderick Paulate (above) once again shines in a head-turning, spine tingling cameo.

Mart Escudero makes a star turn in his film debut.

Lucas Mercado's Trabajador (Men @ Work) : Flesh-Peddling Desperation

Guiller and Dexter (Kenjie Salvino and Luigi Romero, respectively) are new graduates subsisting in the squalor of the slums. Ambitious Guiller, a business administration grad, is desperate for a promotion at the company where he works. He craves for the luxury that insouciant Dexter is flaunting. But don’t they earn the same? Turns out Dexter enjoys the patronage of a rich lover Hector (Albert Rosales) who provides him with frills.

Meanwhile, graduating schoolmates Steve and Xander (CJ Manalo and Macky Monteclaro, respectively) find it hard to keep up with their scholastic activities. Steve is a sidewalk vendor and needs the dough to take his sick mother to a doctor. But what he earns doesn’t suffice. He turns to Xander whose making hay peddling his flesh to the random libidinous sidewalk strangers who require his services. Swamped with immediate concerns, Steve and Xander are unable to attend some of their classes, to the consternation of their swimming coach Sir Morris (Marky Ilustre) who happens to live in the same area. With graduation just around the corner, Steve and Xander are in dire straits.

When Guiller’s boss suddenly leaves overseas, the position is filled in by his boss’ son, an accommodating guy with whom Guiller gets chummy. “Gagawin ko’ng lahat ng inuutos n’yo, tulungan nyo lang ako ma promote (I’ll do whatever you ask, just help me get a promotion),” Guiller hints. That same night, his new boss invites him out for dinner. As he gains ground to his boss’ graces, he finds himself being willingly canoodled into his superior’s bed. Much later, his boss propositions him with a milk curdling deal. Another guy will join them for a threesome. He accedes not knowing that the third party is his friend Dexter (who himself is in the dark). Would the trio find their concupiscent encounter satisfying? Guess.

Lovers Dexter and Hector (Luigi Romero and Albert Rosales, respectively)

Make no mistake, most of the drudging narrative is fabricated to get these men in various states of undress. In fact, there would be half a dozen familiar scenes where any of the characters would arrive home, get inside their bedroom, undress until they’re in their skimpy white bikini briefs, then they caress their chests as their hands gradually slide down their crotches. Almost each one has this gratifyingly imaginative scene, even their teacher Sir Morris. CJ Manalo, Mercado’s protégé - he was in the director’s “Libido” (2009) and “Darang” (2010) - appears in a few full frontals as he soaps up his teeny weenies while he lathers his thighs on full frame display. Quite a fetching scene actually, as it underscores the sole essence of this flick.

Kenjie Salvino, possessing boy-next-door good looks, takes second lead. He appears more relaxed here than in his cinematic debut, Mercado’s “Bata Pa si Rafael”, and has pretty much discarded the potbelly he sported in Mercado’s “Rigodon”. This is a welcome development. Unfortunately, he isn’t tasked to do much except a couple of things: (a) walk around with long sleeved shirt and a tie, (b) get naked and look orgasmic while he’s being pleasured by his boss. He even voiced his observation: “Kay Hector, sex with love. Ako, pang alis libog lang.” Quite perceptive, if I may say so. The ménage a trios was an exercise in dullness, it would have been more entertaining swatting flies or clipping my toe nails. With stolid and obtuse scenes, where has Mercado’s imagination gone? Seduction is all but lost in sheer nudity. In Mercado’s teetering talent, erotica sits where his actors shed their clothes off. Nothing else. They get naked; that’s erotic. Very bright, right?

Guiller (Kenjie Salvino) and Hector (Albert Rosales) work and play together.

The production value leaves much to be desired. With clearly a non-existent budget, we find the extensive use of canned music. In the opening shot alone, the camera pans a row of shanties in a city slum on mid-day, while a music plays: David Mann and Bob Hilliard’s 1955 classic, “In The Wee Small Hours of the Morning”. I almost fell off my chair. FYI, Mr. Mercado, “wee hours of the morning” is sometime between midnight and sunrise. Not daytime when the sun’s up and blazing away. Mercado utilizes copyright music (try “Everytime You Go Away” while someone scrubs the callous off his feet) as though the music industry is his playshop.

Working students Steve (CJ Manalo) and Xander (Macky Monteclaro) perform in a live show to finance their immediate needs (Steve's sick mother; Xander's family in the province has urgent financial requirement).

The fielding of each scene is hammy and puttering, at best. You wanted first hand knowledge where Mercado (who both directed and wrote the script) exactly learned his film making skill, that way you could warn people off. Even the lines are stripped of sense:

Hector: Alam mo, may mga gabing natatakot ako.

Guiller: Saan, sir, sa dilim? Sa magnanakaw?

Hector: Bored lang ako.

Huh? What the heck was he saying? He’s scared because he’s bored? LOL. Brilliant deductive reasoning when you're just being gibberish. Isn’t “Logic” a part of any college curriculum? Enroll in one, Mr. Mercado, fast!

X-Deal - Bringing Class Back to Erotica

When Billy and Sara (Jon Hall and Paloma Esmeria, respectively) move into a new apartment unit in a high rise tenement, the couple meets Dana (Jamilla Obispo), a professional blogger (she has 5,000 daily hits) who moonlights assisting her drug-dealing mother. Billy is a slacker, a freelance lomographer whose family has migrated to the U.S. He bides his time sneaking around and watching films projected on his wall – and he waits for Sara’s arrival from work. Together, they enjoy a potpourri of sexual games and immersive role playing fantasies that have them copulating in showers, by the stairs, and elsewhere.

But something unsettles Sara. She’s aware of Billy’s cursory glances at Dana. He is fascinated by the disobliging beauty next door. One day, Billy fields his bulging crotch at Dana, but she rebuffs his advances. She chides with a rude confession, “I’m not attracted to you, but to your girlfriend.” Then she laughs and chastises him for his “green briefs”. That night, Billy starts persuading Sara to try a threesome. Sara’s unhappy, but acquiesces. Here’s where the “exchange deal” begins: Sara agrees to sleep with Dana. A week later, Dana would let Billy shag her. Not quite a threesome, but a fair deal for both Billy and Dana. But what does Sara get from such arrangement?

It’s been awhile since female-oriented erotica has graced the cinema. And I surprise myself by saying that it’s about time. I am tired of shoddy, artless film making skills from brain-challebged Pink Film makers with bubblegum production budget and the ugliest men to grace the celluloid. It’s time the fair sex reclaim their rightful place. With Lawrence Fajardo’s “X-Deal”, the promising director brings sophistication back to the genre.

Jamilla Obispo, with her over inflated mammary, is a study of contrast. Her doll-like face reminds one of a younger Desiree del Valle, replete with deceptive innocence. Obispo is mostly comfortable though her scenes with Paloma feel tentative and perfunctory. Paloma, on the other hand, makes for an effective seductress. We see her dolled up in various uniforms – saleslady, nurse, and even a blind woman in heat! And if for anything, these scenes are instructive for future reference. LOL. John Hall scorches the screen with his arrogant confidence. His physique is a sight to behold that when he flashes his backside, you end up looking the other way to avoid embarrassing yourself. Hall vacillates easily in his trilingual tongue. When he briskly shifts to his raw Visayan, we listen up – and it sends shivers down our spine. There’s something helplessly sexy in a multilingual muscular man with piercing gaze.

Yes, there’s a degree of sleaze and kink (try a candle scene with liquid wax poured down your breasts), but that’s why it’s R-18. It is meant as adult entertainment fraught with risky theme and graphic images. Despite this, the movie doesn’t feel gratuitous or exploitative; thanks to a dynamic story telling acumen that allows the film to bristle with tension and desire.

I have misgivings with its conclusion which is messy and cluttered. The side story involving Dana’s bizarre mother (she speaks as though she’s performing an incantation) is an awkward fit into the trio’s dilemma, thus this narrative strain feels like a slice of a different story altogether. But then, this allowed the story to move to its epilogue. Otherwise, I have a hunch the story would have stagnated.

Billy teases Dana.

Billy waits for his saleslady.

Some of the lines feel vulgar, but nonetheless humorous. When Billy asked Dana why he had to wait for a week for their concupiscent rendezvous, the latter quipped, “Pagpahingahin ko muna ang kepyas ko.” Turns out, an apple doesn't fall far from the tree. While Dana and her mother enjoy an intimate moment together, the latter declares, "Your father gave me the best fuck a girl could ever have." Would you have your dear mom with such filthy gob?

The film has an inordinate amount of sensual couplings. This is mammary heaven. In fact, the film kicks off with Hall flicking Paloma’s pert nipples in ambrosial close-up. In another scene, Paloma and Hall’s silhouette shows the brave woman devouring what would look like John Hall's gargantuan appendage, I blushed in spite of myself. The night Dana was to consummate her boundless attraction with Sara, we find both ladies sit beside each other while their fingers reach down each other’s crotch – on full view! Passion is never a gossamer ideation as depicted in carefully choreographed movements, scenes too far removed from the hackneyed drivel that populate the gay-oriented ouvres of say, Crisaldo Pablo, Monti Parungao or Lucas Mercado. Eroticism in the films of Pablo, Parungao, Mercado, et.al. takes the form of disrobing, nothing else. The element of seduction has all but vanished in the periphery of peekaboo mushroom heads. Imagination has been clipped and disabled. Creativity after all isn't acquired from experience. It is an inherent talent. You either have it or you don't.

Lawrence Fajardo’s “Amok”, pending commercial exhibition (outside a Film Festival), is a mind-numbing cinematic experience that had us absolutely engaged; a shoo-in for Blush’s Best as 2011 draws to a close. But it has to be served to a paying public venue with regular screening times to be truly worthy of our citation. And we are glad that “X-Deal” has attracted a good audience when we watched it at the Galleria. This theatrical success might pave the way for the eventual commercial release of “Amok”. We're holding our breath in anticipation.

Jamilla Obispo

Paloma

Jon Hall: eloquent in Visayan as he is with English.

Note:

Please read our featured post on Cinema Bravo and how bad writing can sometimes make you a critic:
- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html

"Deep Gold" and "Shark Night 3D" - Water Logged and Drowning

After winning another free diving contest in the waters of Cebu, Amy Sanchez (Vietnamese model Bebe Pham) learns of the disappearance of the plane that carries the largest gold recovery in the Philippines. His boyfriend Tony, an Air Force pilot who was on board to transport the haul to Manila’s Central Bank, is missing as well. Amy, along with sister Jess (Hong Kong-based actress Jaymee Ong) meets gadget-savvy DJ Lulu (Laury Prudent) who’s witness to where the plane crashed. With the help of journalist Benny Simpson (played by the film’s megman Michael Gleissner), Amy sets out for an ocean adventure to find Tony and locate the sunken aircraft. After all, Amy’s financial affairs are in shambles and she’s close to getting evicted by her Chinese landlord.

But Amy has to find the treasure first as she is made acutely aware of the external forces as interested with the treasure haul as she is. Who can she trust?

Utilizing Cebu’s idyllic scenery as backdrop to this treasure hunt, the story simmers with a compelling start but plateaus in mid-narrative. In fact, Amy’s underwater sojourn felt underwhelming and trite. It doesn’t help that the scenes on view looked mostly dark before a stereoscopic eyeglass, underlining the pointless and ineffectual use of 3D technology, not to mention the needless expense of shelling out P300 (yup, P50 popcorn is once again shoved down our throats).

Most of the characters feel out of place and would have you thinking that the population of Cebu has English as their vernacular. Dili intawon! Though Bebe Pham registers well on screen (she has to, she’s a model), her performance is mere posturing and nothing else. The rest of the cast deliver borderline appearances. We saw Joel Torre in a flashback (he plays Arnulfo, Amy and Jess’ dad) and we recognized Mon Lacsamana, the hunk from “Mahilig”, as one of the henchmen. The prologue has Tommy Osmena, incumbent Congressman of the 2^nd district of cebu, being interviewed about the disappearance and eventual recovery of the treasures. Osmena turns out to be an earnest performer but then the Osmenas of Cebu always thrived under the spotlight. They are Cebu's royalty.

Though we welcome Bigfoot Studio’s valiant efforts in producing films in the country, their enterprise ultimately disappoints, both in technical skill and storytelling prowess. The middle part of the movie could have been spliced judiciously. It was indolent, I had to pinch myself to try to stay awake. That doesn’t bode well for something marketed as an action thriller. The majestic fauna of the waters of Cebu and Palawan were gravely underutilized. In fact, we never saw a single fish swim by in any of the dimly-lit underwater scenes. This signifies a major misstep in partaking underwater scenes because why else would you film underwater if it might as well be a gargantuan swimming pool sans sea creatures?

On hindsight, the film is derivative; an inferior version of John Stockwell’s “Into the Blue” (with Paul Walker and Jessica Alba). In the latter, treasure-hunting divers find a wrecked airplane and its multi-million dollar stash of cocaine. In Michael Gleissner’s “Deep Gold”, the treasure turned out to be counterfeit! No kidding!

Bebe Pham strikes a pose

Bebe Pham and Laury Prudent

Richard Magarey as Frank in a not so memorable cinematic debut.

Director Michael Gleissner dons a Barong Tagalog.

The foreign cast glams it up inside U.P. Cebu's Library.

If adrenaline rush is what you’re after, you can do worse with David R. Ellis’ “Shark Night 3D” which we thought was an old re-issued B-flick. The film is in fact on simultaneous, albeit limited, release from the U.S. This ultimately predictable saga rests on the premise that ravenous sharks exist on a lake – a “seawater lake”, as a character would emphasize. Grudges and a precarious homecoming would dominate the narrative, coupled by the age-old foray on “young attractive people out to party”, but “Shark Night 3D” feels like a masterpiece alongside “Deep Gold”.

If you’re into watching beautiful people becoming lakeside buffet, or American Idol runner-up Katharine McPhee (as sexy vamp Beth) turn into baby sharks’ hors d’oeuvre (I thought only piranhas were that voracious), or Chris Zylka (as nude model Blake) flex his sexy muscular backside, this won’t disappoint!

Sarah and Nick face terror by the lakeside.

Hunky six-packed geek Nick (Dustin Milligan) fights scarfaced Dennis (Chris Carmack).

Sarah Paxton as homecoming college chick becomes bait.

Katharine McPhee is fed to the baby sharks!

Can Chris Zylka outswim a Tiger Shark?

Tween Academy Class of 2011 - The Kids from Planet X

What were they thinking?

This sentiment resonates all through out my watching Mark Reyes’ “Tween Academy – Class of 2012”.

The movie chronicles a year in the life of 3 high school “imba” (“invisible”), culminating with the highly anticipated JS Prom. School outcasts Enzo, Georgina and Kara (Elmo Magalona, Bea Binene and Barbie Forteza, respectively) navigate the hallways of Ridgeview Academy in less than flattering light. In such vacuous environment, appearances trump substance, a recurring theme that percolates way beyond the narrative.

Enzo wrestles with his shyness and an academic performance that has him attending remedial classes. But his life perks up when he starts serendipitous encounters with a bombshell (Sam Pinto) who turns out to be his Geometry teacher Maddie! Meanwhile, George is on tenterhooks dealing with her ambiguous relationship with Jepoy (mop-haired Jake Vargas) who in turn openly fawns over Chloe (Lexi Fernandez). To Jepoy’s mind, George is his best friend; something that frustrates George no end. But she doesn’t lose hope. Kara, on the other hand, is enjoying an online friendship with a fellow comic books fan named Colossus (Joshua Dionisio). When the latter urges for a meet up, Kara, “SuperGirl” as nome de plume, panics and asks her cousin Jess (Louise delos Reyes) to pretend that she is SuperGirl. Comic boy Robin on the other hand thrusts campus heart throb Christian (Alden Richards) as the comic geek. All hell break lose when the imposters start liking each other. What becomes of Supergirl and Colossus? Such quandaries are further aggravated by campus bully Maximo (Derick Monasterio) who finds pleasure in our protagonists’ miseries.

In what could be the year’s most disjointed narrative, the movie flagrantly displays the inadequacies and mediocre vision of its director, in a subject matter that he blindly maneuvers. He resorts to incipient ideas that, though laid out within the frame of the story, are mostly outlandish or underexplored. In terms of skills, Reyes can’t even stage an adequate musical number: check out Josh Miguel’s version of Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go”. This number, though agreeably a fresh interpretation of this 80’s fodder, is awkwardly mounted on a stage. It’s a curiousity how he fails to take advantage of the medium (which affords them time, allows them recuts and re-shoots) to marshal the under-rehearsed tweeners who can’t even synchronize their movements. Ano to, amateur hour? This dilemma is largely a GMA talent malady. They allow musical numbers in their musical variety shows like Party Pilipinas to take the stage without adequate preparation. Bara bara, just so they can field anything! The sadder thing is, this isn’t even live – which should underline the pedestrian mind set of its makers.

In the story, Kara hides behind her SuperGirl online persona. She wallows and speaks in the most bizaare language. I myself am one who uses LOL, ROTFL, and other cyber slang during chats and even in email correspondence, but these kids take the next level. No, make it “next alternate world”. Consider the following: AFK (away from keyboard), MMB (“message me back” just when I thought it meant “Metro Manila Barkada”); IDK (I don’t know); F2F (face to face, instead of the easier “EB” for “eyeball”); IKR (I know right). The most ridiculous, as it’s actually spoken is “TYP” (Thank you po). Common sense would dictate that the expediency of acronyms in local parlance rests on the shortening of multisyllabic words and phrases. In Mark Reyes’ netherworld, he dispenses these silly acronyms because he thought people find it amusing, further underlining how exceedingly perceptive he really is.

What’s even funnier is, when these acronyms are used by these characters in their chatboxes, they are written along with what they stand for. The abbreviations are there alongside their whole meaning. Everything becomes a tedious, redundant drivel.

When the “imba” friends gather round to convene on what remedial steps could improve their social standing, they brilliantly come up with a list: dye hair pink, get a tattoo, make-over, learn to drive, face your fear. Dye hair pink? No wonder others think they hail from some extraterrestrial planet.

Reyes even flowers his briskly drowning narrative with some of the most insipid jokes ever heard:

Question 1: Ano ang tawag sa maliit na pusit?

Answer: Pssssst!

Question 2: Eh ano ang tawag sa malaking pusit?

Answer: Hoy!

Here, It’s hard to summon sympathy the way we sympathize with the characters in Joe Nussbaum’s “Prom”. Mentioning “Prom” even feels like a disservice to the latter. It’s like comparing “Gone with the Wind” and Mark Reyes’ acronym-driven idiocy, “I.T.A.L.Y.” (“I Trust And Love You”) You end up staring at the screen feeling a vacuum is about to engulf you whole as karmic punishment from the mere patronage of this film.

To pay homage to the youth movers of the late 80’s and 90’s, Reyes enveigles their presence: Yayo Aguila, Nadia Montenegro, Angelu de Leon, Bobby Andrews, Chuckie Dreyfuss appear in forgettable supporting characters that don’t even leave a discernable footprint. Heck, they even have Jojo Alejar dance his cobwebbed terpsichorean groove as though Alejar was a major force of a generation. He wasn't. There is a good reason why such conceit is better consigned to oblivion.

Director Reyes further peppers his cinematic vomitus with cameos: German Moreno, Dingdong Dantes, Marian Rivera, Mark Herras, et.al. Hunky Aly Borromeo (with Azkal’s Chieffy and Ian) and Cosplay’s Alodia Gosiengfiao make transient appearances to heat up the screen; moments that should have lifted the watchability of this clunker. However, they only accentuated the irredeemable story. I’d have wanted to simply cower and hide under a rock if I were to be a part of this upchuck. It is a criminal offence to perpetuate the dimwitted brain activity that has long plagued Mark Reyes. Wasn’t GMA aware that selling garbage is punishable under the revised penal code of the Philippines? To this day, I wonder why the GMA think tanks are too myopic to indulge Reyes with his music video-driven, magazine-show inspired film making. This isn’t a music video, Mr. Reyes, it is a darn movie where people actually pay PhP160 bucks to flagellate themselves.

How are the performances so far? “Repulsive” is an appropriate term. Barbie Forteza is innocuous at best, failing to impart a sense of urgency to her online dilemma. You just didn’t care that she didn’t end up with Christian – or that she eventually lands on the lap of Robin. Bea Binene mistakes enthusiasm for acting, yet she can't even deliver her lines with an iota of believability. And when the likes of gossip-monger Dolly Anne Carvajal hail Binene as a young Maricel Soriano, we don’t just shrug and relegate Carvajal’s delusion to her inebriation, we huff and puff for such injustice! It is an insult to the thespic savvy and brilliance of the embattled Diamond Star! Joshua Dionisio, on the other hand, can only summon a perfunctory performance, that leaves an emotive void. Elmo Magalona saddles his character with hackneyed demeanor. Though he bears the charm of his departed father, he curiously lacks his acumen. Elmo mostly extravagates into cinematic blandness. These GMA “tweeners’” cinematic outing begs comparison to ABS-CBN’s tweeners, real teenagers who ooze with charisma, and more importantly competence as young actors.

That Mark Reyes continually makes movies – like “Tween Academy” - is an invective not just to patrons of Pinoy films, but to a mainstream industry that badly needs some perking up. Tween Academy is the poster flick of awful. And when you sit inside a movie house on a weekend with just 6 souls watching in a theater hall that sits 200 or more (on the film’s opening week, at that), isn’t that the hand of fate playing judge and jury?

Derick Monasterio, a spitting image of his mother, former actress Tina Monasterio.

Alden Richards (as Christian) and Kristofer Martin (as Diego)

Joyce Ching (as Ashlee) and Lexi Fernandez (as Chloe)