Cleo Paglinawan's Itlog na Pula - Eggs and More Eggs

As a Christmas present to the hundreds of souls who love their Pink Film articles, I am posting one of the dozen-or-so completed, albeit unposted reviews of a Pink Film shown during the first quarter of 2012. This has been pre-scheduled for a November 28 posting but I got tired of them. The main thing here is, the blank page has managed unbelievable traffic and page views compared to the other flicks of its genre (except for one particular title). People LOVE garbage and this is proof of that. This is also one of the reasons why Blank Posts have been placed here; so I know which ones to post WHEN I feel like it, honey. Maybe another Pink Film review gets posted for the New Year. Maybe not. Enjoy your eggs! They are red, and perfect for the season. :)

STORY

In Cleo Paglinawan’s “Itlog na Pula”, there’s paucity of opportunity and commerce in a remote, impoverished town where Jerome (Jerome Pineda) tends to the ducks, processing red (salted) eggs from his fowls. To supplement his income, he has occasional rendezvous with the town’s limpwrists (Ike Sadiasa) enthusiastic enough to shell out P100 (ohmygawd) to manipulate Jerome’s “smoking gun”. Jerome has known destitution since he was abandoned by his mother as a child. “Dito na rin siguro ako mamatay,” muses Jerome. He lives his humdrum life with resignation until a fascinating couple from the city arrives, seemingly eluding a patchy situation from the mean streets of the big city.

Jerome offers his kubo to Charles and Barbara (Charles Delgado and Barbara Chavez) “kung mapagtiisan ninyo ito”. The couple’s only too pleased to find board and accommodations. After all, their savings amount to almost nil. Charles needs to find a job fast because the couple has conveniently freeloaded off Jerome’s hospitality, staying in his hut and eating his “itlog na pula”. But the host doesn’t seem to mind: he believes Charles will eventually pay him. Besides, Barbara has beguiled the young man who has never slept with a girl. Barbie’s occasional peekaboo bathing sessions become inspiring anatomical lessons for Jerome. Barbie, it turns out, is attracted to the strapping young lad. In fact, nights turn into feu de joies of temptation as Barbie stares at her half-naked landlord while he sleeps. But what's more interesting, Charles shares Barbie’s fascination with Jerome. And the couple soon takes turns surreptitiously canoodling Jerome’s “red eggs”. Isn't it about time they just make an omelet out of this funky triumvirate? It seems clear Jerome has adequate raw materials for such gastronomic serving, debah?

Jerome Pineda

Charles Delgado

Like her other ouvres, director Cleo Paglinawan’s tale is a story that has been told many times over by Paglinawan herself. Unfortunately, she isn’t equipped with enough neuron to conjure innovation for her narrative twists. It doesn’t help that her scriptwriters are as artistically impotent. If you “cut and paste” a scene from any of Paglinawan’s movies this year and insinuate them in one of her film, the scene wouldn’t seem misplaced. Her scenography has been monotonously similar. You can easily interchange stories and scenes in her films. Try “Mga Lalake Sa Balsa”: desperate men in a poor town; able bodied guys surrendering their body to cringe-worthy parlorista; seemingly straight men turning gay without prior hint; then a sudden violent twist to cap the story.  

Paglinawan is eternally disoriented. Her individual scenes are incongruent. Making movies with her constitutes nothing more than owning a movie camera. Forget new stories and original scripts. These elements never figure in Paglinawan’s artistic endeavor.

It’s too bad because Charles Delgado and newbie Jerome Pineda are able actors; both are comfortable delivering their lines and they’re never awkward in their scenes. Barbara Chavez, on the other hand, is a perpetually flustered presence. Her depiction of a nymphomaniac may “take” within the context of the story (the reason why the couple in the story keeps moving from one place to another), but if you watch her in other films like “Three-in-One” and “Frontal”, her performances are nothing but kindred; they’re one and the same. She needs to realize that it’s her job to take on different personalities in every role she appears in. Iba ibahin mo, ‘Ne!  

This film made me remember Seiko Films’ “Itlog”, one of Robbie Tan’s enviable "masterpieces" from 2002. Compared to “Itlog na Pula”, Francis “Jun” Posadas’ exploitative flick feels like a masterpiece. It was about a hunky caretaker (Winston Elizalde) who gets into his hospitable boss’ (Celso Ad. Castillo) good graces until the latter’s prodigal son (Rodel Velayo) makes his intractable homecoming. In the film, Winston and Rodel vie for Diana Zubiri's affection. Then the eggs start cracking. Ohdearme!

"Itlog na Pula" was first screened sometime March this year. If you've never heard of it, there must be justice in the cinematic world, right? How can egregious works like this one have commercial screenings while commendable indie flicks from say, Mes de Guzman, not have any?

CINEMATIC EGGS

On hindsight, Tan’s reign as purveyor of slickly-produced softcore flicks wasn’t as bad as today’s “indie machinery”: great locations, beautiful actors, well-threshed out convoluted plots, and stories that “try” to weave fresher tales. Seiko has likewise contributed to the birth of some of our most dependable actors – Rosanna Roces, Diana Zubiri, Rita Avila, Via Veloso, Ana Capri, Jestoni Alarcon, Cesar Montano, Gardo Versoza, et.al. In fact, scriptwriter Jerry Gracio (who wrote “Itlog”) had his start here. From “Talong”, “Sisid”, “Bayaran” and “U-Belt”, Gracio graduated into writing better scripts – “Colorum”, “Magdamag”, “Isda”, “Ligo na U, Lapit na Me”, etc. 

One sometimes wishes that Seiko Films was still producing their exploitative flicks to displace these New Age cinematic garbage. Robbie Tan's films were clearly superior works compared to the likes of “Id'nal (Mapusok)’, “Hubo”, “Kapalit ng Ligaya”, "Kapa", "Hardinero", "Masukista", “Kasalo”, "For Adults Only", “Tiyo Pablo”, and other new generation skin flicks. At least you’d know that Seiko Films spent a considerable amount to produce their film projects. They take weeks and even months to finish while GA Villafuerte movies ridiculously complete their principal photography in - hold your panties! - ONE day! Heck, even films from impoverished Burkina Faso take days to finish. Only in the Philippines do we have movies hastily done within 24 hours and still find a venue - like Robinsons Galleria - to screen them on. Villafuerte and Paglinawan - and now there's even a Benny Andaya responsible for one of the most vomit-inducing gay-flavored flicks in the last 5 years or so - "Uhaw sa Piling Mo". These films are fit for Ripley's. Believe it or not!

How do you make "itlog na pula". This film can't even make a decent documentary from this subject.

Sleepy Charles Delgado

Barbara Chavez hides behind foliage.

Note:

Please read our featured post about Cinema Bravo and why we sometimes feel nging about Web Criticism:
- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html

Cleo Paglinawan's Bikini King - Funny for the Wrong Reasons

Ike (Ike Sadiasa), an aging gay man, is documenting his tale before a camera prior to committing suicide.He is a jaunty talent coordinator who scours the country for able bodied young men willing to join a bikini contest, promising fame, fortune and - if they sleep with him - the crown. The invitation is, of course, more artifice than anything else. It becomes clear that his invites are meant to lure these hopeful candidates to his concupiscent bed. With balding head, sagging skin and protruding belly, Ike walks from all over town with a camera hanging down his neck. One by one, he meets his wards.

There's Peter Asuncion (Jeremy Ian), pool cleaner by day, but moonlights as an exotic dancer by night. Though initially reluctant, Pete eventually surrenders himself to the wiles of his "mentor" just so he could grab the "bikini championship", something that Ike promised. On their 5th date, Pete insists, "Dapat nasa top 5 ako." But Ike is having second thoughts about Pete's talent who proudly declares, "Pilipit man ang dila ko, derecho naman etits ko." Ike's next proteges are construction workers Rey Gatdula and Leo Delgado (Rocco Mateo and Nico Baltazar) who were likewise circumspect about the contest. While deciding, something happens between Rey and Leo. "Ano'ng nangyari sa atin kanina? Bading ba tayo? Bakit tayo nag sex?" asks Leo. To solve their dilemma, they both decide to sleep with the neighborhood slut Jenny ("yung pokpok sa kabilang kanto" - played by Barbara Chavez). They magnanimously arrive at a conclusion: "Nag enjoy tayo kay Jenny. Pero nag enjoy din naman tayo sa isa't isa." How fetching, right?

Meanwhile, Ike is making hay, recruiting even street urchins playing basketball by the road side: Paul Gutierrez of Malabon (his motto: "Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kapag may nilaga, may hihilata!") Michael del Rosario of Caloocan; Leonardo Gatmaitan (his motto: "Di po ako naniniwala sa mga kasabihan kasi kung sinu sino lang naman nagsasabi nun - maliban na lang sa sinasabi ng nanay ko!") Finally, there's Jhustine Phaglinawan (Jerome Pineda): "I'm 18, and I'm from Cainta." His motto: "Ang lalaking mabait sa bakla ay may cash na napapala. I thank you" That being said, young and hunky Justin is desperate to win, occasionally warning his recruiter not to betray him or his father would hunt him down. While Ike gets infatuated with the charming looker, he soon learns that the Bikini Contest is shelved because of the paucity of sponsors. Meanwhile, his wards have been pressuring him about his promises. What's worse, his savings have dwindled and collectors are beating down his door. What to do?

Much as I'd hate to admit this, director Cleo Paglinawan's latest flick has more narrative flesh than any of her other works combined. In fact, a hint of sarcasm is held up against the exploitative nature inherent in such male pageants. However, satire only works when it's well executed or performed. Otherwise, the gnawing message gets lost in artistic subordinacy. This isn't saying that "Bikini King" is a superior work. I'd croak first if I were to say that. Paglinawan's artistic dearth is as discernible in the film's redundant scenes as it is in her ability to weave valid situations: there's too much shower and bathing scenes that seem to tie up the incipient vestiges of a story. If these aren't bathing scenes, they come in the form of nubile young men posing and parading around in their skimpy bikini briefs, getting soaked by a gush of water (all filmed in Villa Apolonia in San Mateo, Rizal).

Despite Paglinawan's fecundity of bathing scenes, you hardly find any peekaboo scenes in ANY of her films. Sure, the girls get to show their bumpers (Barbara Chavez wiggles her boobies in another shower scene and in her separate bed scenes with Rocco Mateo and cutie pie Nico Baltazar) but the guys merely tantalize with their bulge-heavy briefs - or backsides (at the most).

Jeremy Ian's very thick Visayan accent is bothersome. He says "eee-teets" for "etits", and isn't it hilarious teaching him how the word is pronounced? Try this, Jeremy: "eh-teets"! Once again, try it with feelings: "eh-teets". Got it? In another Q&A scene, Jeremy declares that the way to "ak-chieve" love is by world peace! No one on the set knew how "achieve" is rightfully pronounced? :)

Jerome Pineda, like in his previous cinematic effort, appears natural and comfortable with his delivery. Coupled with masculine good looks and youthful charm, Pineda should be able to "graduate" from these gag-inducing Paglinawan flicks soon! I am keeping my fingers crossed for this. However, the closing frame of the movie announces the production's coming releases: "Hubadero" and "Malasado". If you think I am kidding, think again! Oh dear heavens, how have you abandoned us. Indeed! :)

Like most of Paglinawan's ouvres, the element of carelessness is conspicuous. In a scene where Jeremy Ian is supposed to show off his acting talent, he declares: "Pinagtiwalaan pa naman kita! Bakit mo ako ginaganito? Pinagtiwalaan kita!" It is, clearly, "pinagkatiwalaan". These simple lapses are easily remediable, yet you find them in the final cut. Even simple sentences are met with great difficulty. Rocco (as construction worker Rey) asks Leo: "Kaya ba (3 second pause) natin talaga?" Scenes like these define the mind set of its film makers, don't they? In Paglinawan's stories, things just happen without due antecedent. They happen with no building narrative. It's like constructing a building with nothing but walls and ceilings, but there are no posts.

Some lines are too baffling to take seriously: "Ang tunay na Bikini King, kayang ipaglaban ang may katwiran!" Really? Your bikini makes you do that? Here's a funnier line from a contestant: "Naniniwala ako na ang taong masipag ay hindi tamad!" Ohmygoodness! Tama nga naman. 

In another scene, Ike is trying to convince Rey and Leo to join the contest. He says, "Rarampa lang naman kayong naka brief. Haharap sa mga tao." Leo asks, "Madali lang ba 'yun?" Ike replies, "Ang tawag dun, PASSION!" I fell off my seat and found the letter "f" down the floor. So that's where it was! Anything else on the floor? Guess.
    

Barbara Chavez as Jenny.

Adorable Jerome Pineda lures you to his boudoir. 

Monkeying around with Jeremy Ian (left) and Jerome Pineda (right).

Cleo Paglinawan's Mga Lalake Sa Balsa - Of Underwear Holes & Rafters Who Never Sail

In a remote riverside town, able-bodied rafters (“magbabalsa”) peddle their flesh to tourists to augment their meager income. Times are hard, and customers are a dwindling breed. This is real life for Arnold (Jeremy Ian). After all, his mother was a hooker. While he desperately mopes around, roommate Tirso (Rocco Mateo) patiently listens to his constant gripes. Arnold is also unaware that Tirso harbors recondite affection for him.

If Tirso could have his way, he would sell his hut (“kubo”) so Arnold and he could start anew in the big city. Meanwhile, Lea (Barbara Chavez) – a married girl whose husband up and went because of his her penchant for canoodling with the town’s male population – has become Arnold’s constant benefactor and girl friend. During Tirso and Lea’s conscupiscent rendezvous, Tirso is left to his own devise wanking over his friend’s soiled briefs.

Meanwhile, aggressive and enterprising Jessie (Jerome Pineda) doesn’t think twice about turning tricks – even for a measly P100 with his limp wristed neighbor (Ike Sadiasa). Brimming with machismo, he offers his wares to any willing customer. But one person is particularly immune to his charms – the eternally lecherous Lea who is so infatuated with his hustling lover Arnold. “Ba’t di mo patulan si Jessie?” Arnold tells Lea but she wouldn’t hear of it.  

One day, tragedy strikes when JC (Mico Madrid – aka Mickho Madrid) forces himself on Jessie’s errr… uncharted territory. Despite Jessie’s colorful sexual past, taking it from his backside was beyond his limit. He suddenly feels violated, debased… “binaboy”, he laments. This event unravels into a tragic turn that has grave repercussions in the lives of his friends.

Jeremy Ian is Arnold

Director Cleo Paglinawan (“S.R.O.”, “Itlog na Pula”) returns with Kenneth Montero’s trite and confused story. In fact, “Mga Lalake sa Balsa” is a second banana to Monti Parungao’s decidedly middling “Sagwan”. To be fair, “Sagwan” feels like a masterpiece beside this atrocity. Paglinawan seems to be experimenting on how to pull down the iota of artistic standard she possesses. And she has succeeded in doing just that. She has done assistant directorial duties (under another mediocre director, Joven Tan) in countless B-movies that it’s baffling why she never learned the medium (“Bahay ni Lola 2”, ”Paupahan”, “Vhagetz”, “Project X”, “Eskandalo”, ”Binyag”, “Booking”, “Tutok”, “Dalaw”, “Bigasan”, “Dampi”, “Indie Boys”, etc.) Clearly, the blind can’t lead another into the light. Bad teachers can never mold better students.  

VEGETABLE CONNECTION

To some people, experience is obviously not the best teacher. How else do you explain the conundrum that’s Cleofe Paglinawan? If you saw her “Itlog na Pula” shown last April (wait for our review in this blog), you would agree with me when I say that these two films feel so similar, you could randomly insert scenes from either films and you wouldn’t notice the difference! Telling a simple story is a major dilemma for Paglinawan and her storytelling posse which, then, begs the question – why stay in a business that you so miserably botch every time? She could be more productive planting say, turnips, or patola and mustasa. Or even kadyos! My dad loves kadyos – so Paglinawan will make one soul happy if she switches careers! If she has green thumbs, she could even get herself declared “Farmer of the Year” in Bayombong, Catanduanes or Tawi Tawi. Ayaw n'ya nun? It's a relatively more promising career!

Jerome Pineda exudes good looks, confidence and natural charisma.

JESSIE, JC

“Mga Lalake sa Balsa” is told in chronology, but it might as well be otherwise. Now here are just a few of the befuddling loopholes in its very elementary narrative. I was transported to the twilight zone when, from out of the blue, Jerome Pineda’s character Jessie suddenly bursts into “Baboy ka JC!” – as he stands with wet white briefs on riverine waters. Where did his palpable indignation come from? Isn’t Pineda’s character named Jessie? Was there another Jessie? Turns out, the town voyeur – played by Mico Madrid – is homonymously named JC! Brilliant, right? Such flashes of inspiration. Jessie and JC! Weeh. Is there a dearth of names I wasn’t aware of? Or does this highlight the limited ideation of the scriptwriter? Mind you, naming characters has got to be the hardest preoccupation for a writer, debah?

Here's a possibility. There could only be one Jessie. Mico Madrid's character could originally be left unnamed, but some time, during the filming, the actors were fed the name of Jessie, thus this confusion! But adhering to this theory is highlighting the fact that the film makers are nothing but bunch of sniveling morons with brains the size of a mosquito. How can you not remember the name of characters you yourselves created? Thinking this much gives you toothache ba? :)

Mico's character hides behind rocks and bushes as he salivates on Jeremy Ian, Rocco Mateo and Jerome Pineda who enjoy several bath scenes (river and bathroom). These barrio boys are so hygienic, don’t you think? Moreover, when they bathe at the batis, they all assume supine position - they lie on their back with face and crotch upward! Is this how we are supposed to enjoy the river? This must be the new fad for summer! How fashionable!

Now why was JC “baboy”? Does he mimic porcine snort? Does he eat slop or kangkong? Not really. Towards the film’s conclusion, the dastardly deed is shown. JC sodomizes the unwilling Jessie during a transaction gone awry. (Jessie expects oral service, but JC overpowers the obviously mightier, taller, more muscular Jessie.) The film editor evidently misplaced the post-“rape” scenes of a grieving Jessie 30 minutes too early, and we’re not even talking about “flashbacks” since the narrative is, as said earlier, told in chronology. 

If the narrative thread is familiar, it is probably because (director) Darry dela Cruz is on board as Paglinawan’s assistant director. You see, in Dela Cruz’s films (“Bingwit”, “Daklot”, “Frontal”), his main characters always resort to prostitution, then someone always dies in the end. “Mga Lalake sa Balsa” is no different. In fact, two major characters die! How’s that for leveling up? J

Barbara Chavez as Lea, Mico Madrid (now Mickho Madrid) is the town voyeur JC

TATTERED BRIEFS

If you need a good laugh, look no further and take note of a couple of separate scenes involving Jeremy Ian and Jerome Pineda where, with cameras panning closely on their crotches, you notice big “holes” on their underwear! Holes! I swear I could see the rings of Venus and the moons of Jupiter. Or was that my imagination? What is this world coming to when a film production cannot even afford decent underwear for their actors? I was actually willing to loan my yaya to the production because she is excellent where needle work and sewing are concerned. In fact, I was ready to practice my crochet on those tattered undergarments, most especially Jerome’s. Ayayayayay! I whole heartedly volunteer! J

NO RAFTING

What’s funnier is how we never see these “rafters” row a balsa – not once. The rafts shown were broken and, surely, rafts couldn’t buoy on rocks. This makes the title - “Mga Lalake Sa Balsa” - spurious. Rafters who never sail? Ang galeng, right Chris Tiu?

Robots populate this ouvre, but you can hardly blame the actors who are made to portray character sketches with no valid sense of intent, each one a fallacious caricature. It’s likewise hard to impart empathy on people who deliver lines as oddly as this lot.

GLIMMER OF LIGHT

But there’s a surprising find at the end of this nebulous adventure – newcomer Jerome Pineda! With his gorgeous masculine features, Pineda delivers lines earnestly and naturally as though he has done this several times in the past. Yet this is just his second film (we saw him earlier in Paglinawan’s “Itlog na Pula”). Sure, his lines are befuddling, and the situations are egregious, but Pineda exudes confidence and a star swagger. It doesn’t hurt that he is exceedingly easy on the eyes! Barbara Chavez looks particularly doped out. Poor girl! As for the rest, let’s just say that their parts haven’t been kind to them.

So why should I?

Rocco Mateo is Tirso. He's in love with his friend Arnold.

Mico Madrid smells the plant? Or his underarm? :)

Jerome Pineda: naughty smirk!

Jerome Pineda invites you to his shower. :)

Barbara Chavez looked dazed all throughout.

Note:

Please read our featured post on Cinema Bravo and why Web Criticism sometimes makes us nginig.
- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html

Three in One - Scatterbrain Confusion and Misdirection

Director Rene Cruz, Jr.’s “Three in One” is a gibberish gabfest that tries to veer away from the norm of Pinoy Indie-cum-exploitation flick. In fact, it deserves a trophy for not resorting to half a dozen male shower scenes (although there’s one with its female lead). To be honest, we’re so sick of this cheap ploy from unimaginative schmucks. What is the limit of one’s artistic talent if a film maker has 7 shower scenes in a movie that’s barely an hour long? This also clues you in on the sexual orientation of its director – that he isn’t a libidinous, salivating gay man (Paul Singh Cudail – check; GA Villafuerte – check) moonlighting as a clueless film maker so he could ogle at the shortcomings of his male leads. 

Why am I talking about the director’s sexual orientation? Simply put, in such genres, sexual orientation dictates the content and flavor of the film. It predicates on their priorities and leanings, not on their artistic capability. Having said that, let’s get into the heart of the story - if you could call it that.

Director Rene Cruz, Jr. plays the friend who gets cold feet after proposing to his girlfriend. He shares his scenes with Jo Regis.

Three disparate stories are woven together by two friends who hang out together in a third floor pad. For purposes of discussion, let’s call them Rene and Jo since these characters are not given names. Rene (Director Rene Cruz, Jr.) gives his chubbier buddy Jo (Jo Regis) a visit to discuss an exigent matter – he wants to get hitched to his girlfriend Beth. He’s been mulling over the idea for a year. He is 30 and is gainfully employed. He sold some stuff, even his prized Xbox, so he could finance the ring. But minutes after dropping the bomb to his friend, he shifts gears. Suddenly, he gets cold feet. “Bigla na lang… ayun, wala na! Ayoko na!” He is weighed down by his cloak of indecision. Jo decides to take the wheel of their conversation by telling his friend about the people he met at a resort in Laguna (a resort that his family owns).

One day, three rooms are reserved by different customers. The first room is occupied by newlyweds Bimbo and Hannah (Bench dela Torre and Tanya Morales). The couple goes at it like most honeymooners do. But it soon becomes evident that Bimbo, a vain and narcissistic hunk, is more concerned with his sexual needs. Hannah is frustrated. “Ako ang nanligaw sa kanya, ako ang nagyayang magpakasal. Sana minsan, ako naman ang asikasuhin nya,” complains Hannah to Dennis (Jonas Gruet), a stranger she meets at the resort restaurant.

The second room is booked by Dennis (Gruet), a freelance writer who finds himself alone in a different resort. His friends went to another. Dennis intends to make good use of his solitude by hooking up with single ladies in similar situation. He meets frustrated Hannah, but Bimbo finds them and Dennis gets hit on the face. He meets Sherry (Mia Henares), another frustrated wife who gets testy when Dennis asks what it is that’s troubling her. Dennis ends up with a big slap on the face. Finally, he finds Czarina (Barbara Chavez) who, like him, solitarily roams the resort looking for love. After a drinking spree and a minor stripping moment, Dennis gets puked on by the inebriated Czarina.

The third room has old couple Philip and Sherry (Enrique Joe and Mia Henares). They stay in separate beds and even a romp in the hay is as perfunctory as a morning dump. Unemployed Philip feels neglected by Sherry (a manager of a shop somewhere) who performs their conjugal coupling by the number. When he cajoles her with “Sex tayo?”, she nonchalantly disrobes on bed. Philip, all clothed, rides into the moment until Sherry asked with a “Matagal ka pa?” effectively ending their concupiscent rendezvous. They fight. Sherry sleeps while Philip wanks away his sexual frustrations. Sherry catches him so he walks out and joins a drinking party outside.

Bench dela Torre gets lead role in his 2nd film for 2012. He reminds me of the powerful screen charisma of  Pink Films' "it " boy Jeff Luna.

Now how do all these vignettes relate to Rene’s situation? The conceit here is high on philosophical gibberish, i.e. a lot of things could happen in a day, predicating on the ephemeral, temporal nature of things. Will this provide answers for Rene’s dilemma?

The film is divided by Chapter Titles: “Bimbo and Hannah”, “Dennis and Czarina”, “Philip and Sherry” – and subchapters: “Sa Isang Araw, Maraming Puwedeng Mangyari”, “Mabuhay ang Bagong Kasal”, “Ang Araw ng Hassle”, “Happily Ever After”, etc. but what’s clear is the scatterbrain storytelling that confuses the audience more than shedding light. In fact, it breaks grounds by doing a tackily edited “Groundhog Day” scenario, oft repeating scenes to piece the three stories together. These vignettes appear in episodic fashion between Rene and Jo’s protracted conversation that runs the gamut between amusing to weird. How else do you explain a topic about masturbation when the subject at hand is about Rene’s matrimonial Catch-22?

In this discordant thread, Rene and Jo discuss their first time (to self pleasure): one of them started at 13 years old and it lasted for a brisk minute; the other offers that he used sexy tabloids as inspiration; the exquisite use of baby oil; the technique of a good soap lather and a double-hand mash; dad’s porn video stash; one couldn’t masturbate standing up, etc. While the discussion could be interesting, it clearly departs from the narrative focus. Furthermore, you’re hard up hearing about the details because of the noisy “room tone”. This is a major problem in the film because most of the details are drowned out by noise. Getting the details (names, etc.) becomes utter punishment for someone like me who tries to make heads or tails of the story. How else could I share it for Blush, debah?

The two friends also discuss their sexual fantasies: Rene wants to do it with a mascot – and with someone afflicted with Tourette’s Syndrome (a neuropsychiatric disorder where a patient suffers with involuntary, albeit violent muscular and verbal tics). Jo bizarrely gets his kicks with Sitophilia (Sitophiles are turned on by food, but this can be through consumption, direct sexual contact with the food or simply by rolling around in it.) He wants steak all over his flabby protruding belly as his partner partakes on the slab of meat. (You don’t wonder why he’s pushing 250 pounds when even during sex, it’s food he’s thinking about.) Do these contribute to move the main story? Or to the arbitrary nature of things (that indeed, a lot of things could change within the day)?

Director Cruz coasts on a badly written script, unable to fully realize any of his three main vignettes. In fact, his scenes with Jo Regis is a tighter film making simply because this doesn't allow him greater level of difficulty in technique. They just stay in a room, talking it away like there's no tomorrow. Most of his lines with Regis are ad libs, thus you end up with scene fillers: "Putang ina", "ang labo mo", "ano ang punto mo", "ang weird"... just to tide over the incipient ideas and lines that eventually made it in the flick. While I am aware that it is important to distinguish the individual elements that comprise the 'design' of a narrative structure, you have to be able to seamlessly piece them together. Instead, his anecdotes are like pages of different uninteresting stories that don't contribute to the movement of the plot. Not legibly anyway. While credits rolled, he thanked his film school for "creating a monster". But from the looks of it, the school hasn't really taught him much. And that's really a lot of wasted finance. Don't tell me this is another DLSU film graduate? Oh dear. :) 

Mia Henares (Marimel Candelaria in real life) plays Sherry, Philip's wife. She's also seen in "Ang Lihim ng mga Nympha".

Jonas Gruet as freelance writer Dennis. This photo from Ian Felix Alquiros who seems to have mastered the art of photographing the male form.

Barbara Chavez (aka Vanessa Kate del Prado in real life): She sometimes looks like an inferior version of dancer Saicy Aguila.

Enrique Joe plays the sexually frustrated husband Philip.

This could be Tanya Morales playing Hannah. Got the photo (by way of deduction) from the theatrical poster of "Ang Lihim ng Mga Nympha".

There’s nothing worth discussing about the performances, but Rene Cruz and Jo Regis enjoy comfortable banter. It’s also evident that any hint of a script is characterized mostly by elementary sketches of gibberish. This is why we hear several (count it and you should have nothing less than a dozen): “Ano ba talaga ang punto mo”, “ang punto ko lang naman ay…”, “ano ba talaga ang ibig mong sabihin,” “tang ina… ang labo mo” - yet there’s no valid perspective anywhere near these redundant utterances. An example of this is: “Matanda ka na kasi tapos pag di ka mamatay, mas tatanda ka pa, eh sinong mag  aalaga sa ‘yo? “

Jonas Gruet does a perfunctrory Dennis, but it’s clear that his expletives are as benign as his thespic insight. He could have been a stronger presence had he invested on emotions more than the didactic nature of delivering lines. After all, he is the guy who gets punched, slapped and vomited on. A huge loophole in the story concerns his arrival in the resort. His friends went to a different place while he ended up in Carayan Resort (a place frequented by these indies and Pink Films). Cellphones exist in this day and age, don’t they? Can’t he drive himself to the other resort to join his friends? The rooms were supposedly reserved. What happened to the rooms reserved by his friends? Did he pay for them? Maybe his friends went to Boracay instead. It's possible you know. :)

Bench dela Torre packs a wallop where his cinematic presence is concerned. Now this is a guy who oozes with machismo and sexual charm, the proverbial “artistahin” not found in many of Crisaldo Pablo flicks who prefer his guys cachectic and “dugyutin”. Casting is imperative in a film like this because if the movie can’t offer much in content, the paying audience can at least feast their eyes on the pulchritude of its cast. Unfortunately, Bench dela Torre delivers like a duo-tone robot. His phrases are spewed in two pitches that are as tentative as reciting an alphabet. He could have benefitted from not opening his mouth at all. What did he “show”? You have to remember that this has a straight director, which means, there are no “labas-puwet” shower scenes here. Just tight bikini briefs. For that three-second peekaboo of his “shortcomings”, try GA Villafuerte's "Ang Lihim ng Mga Nympha" where Bench lies completely naked in a dimly lit room (oopps, I saw the mushroom head in its slumbering state) – the review will be posted here soon!

Among the girls, it’s Mia Henares who fares better, although not by much. She flaunts a frontal nudity (she takes off her towel in bed, showing everything) while Enrique Joe (who plays her husband Philip) is fully clothed, humping away until kingdom come. Did I say “come” Naughty me. :)

Barbara Chavez, billed "Barbie" in one of its three theatrical posters suffers from misdirection or the lack of it. I would have expected a little more from her since she has appeared in several film features this year ("Mga Lalake sa Balsa", etc.) Barbie epitomizes the sex nymphet common in the 90's - fair, petite, willing to show her mammaries, clueless. It's Tanya Morales that we could hardly find photographic materials of, although she was also in several flicks this year ("Ang Lihim ng mga Nympha", among others). While it's easy to google photos of the male cast, finding some for the female cast is like finding needle in a haystack. This only underlines the blatant shift of priorities of B-Cinema. Males have become the preferred commodity - and this is dictated by commerce and patronage. If only indie film makers of the genre would try harder, this resurgence of low budget flicks could be beneficial to a lot of parties, most especially the paying audience. 

But that's all wishful thinking.  

Bench horizontally enjoying the water.

Bench dela Torre as exquisitely photographed by Vic Fabe (above).

Director and actor Rene Cruz, Jr. and playful Mia Henares