William Mayo's Yakman D Gigil King - Irreverence & Inadequacy

Inyaki Custodio (Leo Martinez) has a secret that prevents him from nurturing a relationship with the opposite sex. At 50, Yakie is still a virgin. What’s more confounding is his proclivity to get sexually excited – and prematurely ejaculate without much provocation. So Yakie spends most of his time turning his frustration to his livelihood, i.e. he runs a bakery. Meanwhile, his employees (Vincent Daffalong, Dinky Doo, Danny “Brownie” Pansalin, Robert Miller and Amay Bisaya) couldn’t help but wonder about his status. What keeps the boss single? After all, girls seem to gravitate towards Yakie. Maybe he swings the other way?

Yakie’s charm isn’t lost in sexy neighbor Alexa (Meg Vargas) who couldn’t understand why Yakie brushes off her advances, though he seems attracted to her. The same dilemma transpires when Yakie meets Mildred (Katrina Espe) who recently broke up with her skirtchasing boyfriend. A brush of hand, a blow of the wind, a glimpse of their cleavage has poor Yakie gushing in his pants. So he stays away to avoid further embarrassment.

One day, Yakie unexpectedly reunites with Maximo Olivarez (Soxy Topacio) inside a dingy movie house. Maxie was his best friend back in high school. These days, Maxie scouts talents; he trains and sends them to Japan as entertainers. Yakie confides to Maxie who then devises several methods to help his friend: hiring prostitutes, seeing a urologist, etc. But just when things turn hopeless, Yakie meets the lovely Rowena (Ghen Gabriel), one of Maxie's wards. Yakie is besotted. He falls in love. But despite Rowena’s curves and amorous touches, Yakie is able to control himself. Has our protagonist finally found a cure? More importantly, has Yakie found the love that once eluded him?

Director William Mayo’s resume comprises less than a dozen titles including the contentious Lito Lapid starrer “Lapu Lapu” (an MMFF 2002 entry which hilariously won multiple awards at the Film Academy, a testament to the inside joke that continuously float around this organization of film makers). Other titles include several Jeric Raval starrers like “Bunso: Isinilang Kang Palaban”(1995) and “Pistolero” (2003); “Tulume Alyas Zorro” (1983) with George Javier and Carmi Martin, among others. Ten years after Mayo’s “triumphant” historical epic, the action director resurrects his career with an effort best ignored and forgotten.

The comic sensibility of “Yakman: D’ Gigil King” seems to have languished and stalled in the slap-happy 80’s era of slapstick humor. Think Redford White and his ouvre: “Boni and Klayd”, “Tartan”, ”Darakula”, “Rambo Tan-go”, “Wrong Rangers”, “Hee-man Master of None”, etc. This film unwittingly transports us back to some bad eighties chapter. While those flicks were purely comic escapists, Mayo ups the ante by insinuating his update with some of the most grossed-out sentiment. The jokes are done in bad taste. What’s worse, they aren’t even funny! 

Alexa wets his dress.

Mildred goes out on a date with Yakie.

What’s so funny seeing a pudgy and aging Leo Martinez dancing with an apron and his rolling pin? I wonder. This scene punctuates the rest of the film since it ushers us into our protagonist's dilemma. Mayo further succeeds to populate his flick with some of the most forgettable, albeit charmless bit actors Philippine Cinema has ever produced. And in their desperate bid to extend their 15 minutes of spotlight, they come out rather disconsolate. And this film is supposed to be comedy. Here are some of these moments:

Yakie accidentally pours water on neighbor Alexa’s dress. He then wipes her chest with his hands while her nipple juts through the wet garment. “Basang basa na ako,” says Alexa. Yakie then stiffens, as though electrocuted, then he declares, “Tapos na ako.”

***

While riding a jeep, Yakie asks the driver, “Magkanong Quiapo?” The driver replies: “Di binebenta ang Quiapo.” Then Yakie replies with a question: “Ilaw ka ba?” Driver asks, “Bakit?” Yakie tells him: “Kasi ang sarap mong patayin eh.”

***

When Mildred pays Yakie a compliment for his gentlemanly ways, he replies with, “Tinuruan kaming gumalang sa utong.” I am not sure which girl would appreciate such glib talk. I’d probably be inclined to exercise my slapping technique.

***

While having a meal with Mildred, Yakie tells his date, “Hatid na kita. Late na eh.” Yet it’s obvious there’s daylight outside. Is it school night, maybe? :)

***

Man 1: “Anong kaibahan ng flat tire sa babae?”

Man 2: “Ano?”

Man 1: “Ang gulong, binobombahan muna bago sinasakyan. Ang babae naman, sinasakyan muna bago binobombahan.”

***

Man 1: “Ano ang kaibahan ng panty noon at ng panty ngayon?”

Man 2: “Ano?”

Man 1: “Ang panty noon, kailangang hawiin muna bago makita ang puwet. Ang panty ngayon, kailangang hawiin muna ang puwet bago makita ang panty.”

***

Man 1: “Ano ang kaibahan ng mainit na tubig sa palad ng babae?”

Man 2: “Ano?”

Man 1: “Ang mainit na tubig, nakakapagpalambot ng karne. Ang palad ng babae, nakakapagpatigas ng karne.”

***

There are jokes that don’t even make any sense, but are told anyway just to elicit a reaction:

 “Ang pandesal, habang tumitigas, mas masarap isubo.”

***

“Suzette, habulin mo ako. Pag natalo ako, kiss kita. Pag natalo ka, kiss mo ako sa bayag.” Huh?

***

Man: “Laro tayo ng bahay bahayan. Ako ang tatay. Ikaw ang nanay.”

Girl: “Ayoko nyan. Bastos yan.”

Man: “Sige, nanay nanayan at anak anakan na lang.”

Girl: “Sige.”

Man: “Nay, pa dedehen mo ako.”

***

While sharing a meal, Yakie tells Maxie how to eat the hotdog:

“Kinakagat yan, di sinusupsop.”

When the bibingka arrives at their table, Yakie jests:

“Ang sarap ng bibingkang matambok. May hiwa sa gitna.”

***

Yakie describes his situation to Maxie:

“Di na kailangang ipasok. Igulong lang sa hita, sagitsit na.”

***

Upon meeting with a urologist – aptly named “Dr. Steven T. Tinio” – thus, Doctor Titi Nyo, get it? :)

Dr. Tino espouses on “premature ejaculation” – “Ang maaaring sanhi nito ay ang mga sumusunod - 1) stress; 2)anxiety; 3) problema.” He’s just enumerating the synonyms of a single term, isn't he? I can add: affliction, burden, tension, hassle, apprehension, distress, dread, unease. Need I say more?

Yakie strangles his source of embarrassment... with unexpected results. :)

Leo Martinez’s Batangueno personification and accent used to draw rollicking laughter from the get-go, but time eventually puts premium on age and the kind of humor that one could carry. At a certain point, humor becomes acrimony and bad manners, and “bad manners” is never hilarious. Acceptable irreverence has to have circumscription. “Yakman” crosses boundaries and surpasses all archetype of poor taste. Aside from its grossed out humor, Yakman is misogynist’s delight. It’s rude to women and should be a cause of concern for the people of Gabriela! What’s worse, this film is extensively shown in SM Cinemas, the purveyor of “morally sound” movies. Yet 13 year old children can enjoy “bibingkang matambok na may hiwa sa gitna”, “padedehen mo ako”, "amoy pinipig na bagong bayo", “ikaw na lang ang lalamasin ko habang buhay” and “habang tumitigas mas masarap isubo.” Amazing, right?

But its brazenly tasteless humor seems to have conveniently smokescreened the gross inadequacy of the production’s filmmaking skills. Aside from being unfunny, “Yakman” is misguided and unsophisticated in handling humor and its sensitive topic. The jokes are a hit and miss, largely dependent on Leo Martinez’s time-tested skill to just ham it up. Even Soxy Topacio’s script input didn’t help largely because the premise itself is dubitable. Fifty year old virgin? Get outta here.

A beach scene suddenly has all three girls dancing in their bikinis.

"Bisaya pud ka day? Naglibog gyud ko sa imo."

Yakie discovers that his best friend Maximo has turned into a Maxie.

Yakie's dream sequence involving Rowena.

Yakie proposes to Rowena, but she declines. Why oh why?

What is Rowena's "big" secret?

Katrina Espe, Meg Vargas and Ghen Gabriel

Ghen Gabriel and Leo Martinez

Bakers have all the fun.

Jun Lana's Bwakaw - Small Town Hilarity

Rene (Eddie Garcia) is a grumpy old man living the twilight years of his life in solitude. With no family to speak of, he is in a protracted wait for his eventual demise. In fact, he has already bought himself a coffin (“Para ‘di ako ibalot sa banig”). His spare time is spent arranging his old magazine collection with idol Nora Aunor on the cover; getting free haircuts at a childhood friend’s beauty salon; volunteering for odd jobs at the Post Office where he used to work prior to his retirement; giving his best friend Alicia (who’s suffering from dementia) an occasional visit at a care home; and continuously updating his last will through an indulgent priest, Father Eddie (Gardo Versoza). Unlike most people his age, he doesn’t desire the “eternal life with God”. He detests “God” for making him gay, something that he belatedly accepted at the age of 60. In his advancing age, Rene has yet to experience intimacy, yet he refuses the young guys pimped by his childhood friend Zaldy (Soxy Topacio), the beauty salon owner.

But Rene isn’t so alone. A mongrel (stray dog) he calls “Bwakaw” has found her home in the querulous old man. Wherever he goes, Bwakaw follows. Rene is warming up to his amorous companion. Moreover, a miraculous Santo Entierro (a life-sized wooden statue hand crafted from Paete) lies beside him in his bed.  

One day, he befriends Sol (Rez Cortez), a finicky pedicab driver, who took him to a veterinarian when Bwakaw fell ill. Abdominal tumors were discovered. When the doctor suggested that Bwakaw be put to sleep, Rene balks. He takes her home to “recuperate”. Soon, Rene gets chummy with Sol who starts to help the geriatric gentleman repair his dilapidated abode. One day, he finds the burly (and happily married) trike driver asleep in his sala. Without much provocation, he steals a kiss on Sol’s lips. Sol wakes up and runs amuck. To make matters worse, Bwakaw’s condition worsens. She starts moving blood. What will Rene do? 

Director Jun Lana’s dramedy is a brilliant character study that pays homage to Lana’s mentor (playwright and children’s book author) Rene O. Villanueva. In fact, he based the story from the popular author’s character. More than homage, Lana weaves a tale rich with snippets of both unbridled hilarity and regulated emotional bearing. These small town attachments are so palpable you can’t help but sympathize with the plight of each character: parloristas Zaldy (endearing Soxy Topacio) and feisty Tracy (the amazing Joey Paras); fanatical neighbor Nitang (Beverly Salviejo); maton tricycle driver Sol (Rez Cortez); lonely mother Melba (Luz Valdez); and former girlfriend Alicia (Armida Siguion-Reyna). Each one is written with well moderated scenes. These characters helped move the narrative to an engaging finish without overwhelming the flick with needless character embellishment.  

Endearing scenes will easily thrust this flick among other crowd favorites. In fact, the temperament is similar to Topacio’s “Ded na si Lolo” – light, breezy, intimate, hilarious, and at times even sentimental. The scene involving Rene while he sleeps in his coffin - and Zaldy, Tracy and Nitang’s unexpected visit had me laughing so hard. Ditto to scenes at the beauty parlor with Rene hitting Tracy’s nose with a hair blower. Also, there’s Melba’s surprise party (she’s set to have her by-pass operation prior to joining her daughter in Canada) – and how she was given her “special” make-up and hair design after the celebrations. The film easily shifts to somber or warm, emotive moments, like the first night Rene lights up his ramshackle home – or when he finally allows the loyal canine up his home.

I didn’t expect much from Bwakaw because the impression it emits is one resonating with indulgent sentimentality. But this couldn’t be farther from the truth. The film actually avoids maudlin sentimentality and by doing so, finds its perfect atmosphere. Eddie Garcia is simply marvelous as the late-blooming homosexual. He masterfully circumvents the stereotypical picture of a washed up faggot. We last saw his brilliance in “I.C.U. Bed #7” and we feel honored to witness a level of artistry achieved only by years of insightful experience. Garcia is exquisite in his grief and cantankerous manner. He is delight nonpareil. Another out-of-the-box portrayal is turned in by Joey Paras, adorable and downright entertaining as Tracy, Rene’s “nemesis”. Paras evades exaggerations, a common pitfall for cinematic gay characters. Mostly, the ensemble is well tempered and unforgettable.

“Bwakaw” thoroughly entertains so please do yourself a favor. Don't miss it! The film deftly shares insights on how a solitary, but productive life is lived. More importantly, it inspires the hopeless soul.

Rene argues with Tracy and Mother Zaldy.

Rene finds a "best friend" in a stray dog he calls Bwakaw (the dog's real name is Princess who's brilliantly trained).

Rene and Alicia