Olivia Lamasan's The Mistress - Morality Tales

For five years, Sari’s (Bea Alonzo) life has revolved around her burgeoning extended family and her special Thursdays. She works as the master cutter of a popular tailoring shop. She’s contented and has sought for nothing more than the needs of her family. One day, JD (John Lloyd Cruz), an architect, finds her in a bookstore. Her serene presence so enraptured him that he decides to pursue her despite her snide brush off: “Hindi lahat ng gusto mo, makukuha mo.” There’s more to Sari’s dismissal than meets the eye. After all, their attraction to each other is palpable. Why does she avoid him?

But fate is a precarious adversary. JD finds Sari working for a client he’ll be working for in the next few months – to renovate the tailoring shop’s working space. As he openly pursues Sari, it soon becomes clear that the impediment has something to do with Sari’s Thursdays, a day she gets off work, visits a two-story duplex where she stays for the next 24 hours, gets dolled up, and satisfies her “duty” as the mistress to an elder, albeit married gentleman named Rico (Ronaldo Valdez). Though this arrangement seems impassioned, Sari soon unravels to JD that she’s paying debt of gratitude for help that was once extended to her demented Lola Lina (Anita Linda) and Sari's struggling family.

What JD doesn’t know: this gentleman happens to be his father Frederico Torres, owner and CEO of a financially lucrative telecom firm; a father he doesn’t quite see eye to eye with; a husband who constantly strays, to the consternation of Regina (Hilda Koronel), his wife and JD’s constantly forgiving mother. She knows about her husband’s affair, but she is constantly reminded about her previous indiscretion; one that bore a child – Eric Torres aka JD. Eric is subtly admonished everyday for his mother’s “sins”, thus he maintains a sour relationship with the man who took Eric for his own son. After the death of an elder son, Rico needs Eric as his deputy C.E.O., a job that Eric resists with a passion.

While Eric deals with familial strife, Sari is more and more torn between JD’s diligent pursuit and Rico’s suddenly acquisitive streaks (he now requires other days outside Thursdays), unaware that JD is his son. “I realized I can’t share you with another man,” Rico tells Sari. Is there hope for our star-crossed lovers?

Director Olivia Lamasan carefully weaves a story that curiously validates an extra-marital dilemma, and she does this quite compellingly. The script is riddled with cryptic or humorous lines that would intermittently have you tapping with glee: “Bukas uulan, makukuha ko ang gusto ko.” Huh? Aren’t we trespassing Cathy Garcia-Molina’s territory?

Hilda Koronel’s drunken scene should be made a Gold Standard for actors: “Thursday, the one day of the week that makes me want to regret everything. Every fucking Thursday; every Thursday fucking.” Koronel delivers this line without florid sentimentality, her voice dipping low, turning almost inaudible, but you sense her grief. Clearly, there is no one like Hilda Koronel, the film’s most underused character. I love the way she speaks her English – and this is the “Filipino English” that I always mention here. She’s lived in the U.S. for years yet you never hear her deliver those phony accents heard from the likes of Piolo Pascual, Jericho Rosales, John Arcilla, Cesar Montano, et.al. (Unfortunately, the list is growing.) You even hear Piolo lose his “rolled R”, badly monkeying how the Brits do it. Take it from La Koronel! Now that’s classy Pinoy English: clear, emphatic, and devoid of spine-tingling Middle Earth “security guard” accents. Right, Mr. Arcilla?

When Koronel asks: “Why is he doing this to me, son? I love him,” you understand the gravity of her misery. Even her less emotive lines are a joy to hear: “Why do I only see you during National holidays? I miss you, son. I hardly see you.” Even gag-inducing lines (“I hate you. I hate you because I cannot hate you”) turn into cinematic magic. There’s more: “As long as I’m alive, you will never be promoted to wife.” Why are we denied Koronel’s sophistication and brilliance? We need to see her more often. She can teach many new stars a thing or two about grace and thespic grit. 

The situations in Lamasan’s “The Mistress” are, of course, apocryphal. After all, you don’t always want to sympathize with someone who entertains the advances of a married man, yet Bea Alonzo imbues her character with adequate sympathy, we might as well make a saint out of her. How can she love someone who imposes himself on her; someone who tells her which slinky dress to wear for a dinner out? You have to admit, she looked like a tramp in her back-baring “suman” dress, debah?

Bea Alonzo, still the most gifted actress of her generation, delectably inhabits Sari with a highly nuanced turn. Her instincts are so fine tuned she never misses a step. The same can be said about John Lloyd Cruz who’s as conflicted about his familial status as he is of his relationship with Sari. Cruz, in fact, seems to be walking in the park. Cruz shines in silent moments: “Ang daming dahilan para hindi kita mahalin. Kung bakit di ko magawa, kasi mahal kita.” He switches tantrums with finger-snapping precision. And if there’s one thing evident about this film, it’s the prevalence of “mood swings”. They’re amorous one moment; surly the next.

Ronaldo Valdez makes a career-best performance as he depicts Frederico, the man who wants to have his cake and eat it too. His emotive cadences are spectacular, e.g. his argument with John Lloyd at the office. One moment he tells his son that he needs him (“Anong gusto mo, luluhod ako sa harap mo para pumayag ka?”), then he tells Eric how he owes the company his attention. Even when he drops emotionally charged lines (“Ano’ng karapatan mo, Sari? Kerida lang kita!”), you don’t feel the mawkishness of the scene. My favorite scene with Ronaldo was his conversation with Eric at his hospital bed: “When I saw you with your big round eyes, I knew you were mine. That’s why I gave you my name.” I had to moderate my emotions to avoid making a fool of myself inside the theater.

"But I'm still fucking choose to stay!" Ano daw?

WEAK PARTS

Some characters, like Anita Linda’s Lola Lina, are a tad too familiar and showy. If you remember Coco Martin’s “Santa Nina” (opening in commercial cinemas this week), this was a similar character (the dementedly verbose and Alzheimer-stricken old woman) transported to a different movie. But wait? Isn’t she the same “Lola Miling” in Chito Rono and Sharon Cuneta’s “Caregiver” (2008)? Sometimes, that’s the trouble in using trite characters just to populate their narrative world. Writers forget. Carmi Martin, playing Bea’s mother, also sticks out like a sore thumb. Moreover, didn’t they realize that Sari is gone every Thursday? Wasn’t her weekly disappearance a cause of concern for them? If Sari was indeed the tailoring’s best cutter, why was she open target for the cantankerous Mr. Zarate (Gabe Mercado)? In fact, Zarate’s ire was a valid reason to get mad (Sari used cotton instead of pina for Zarate’s barong). If you’re a great seamstress, you don’t mistake your pinias from your cotton linens, do you?

“The Mistress” employs a narrative course that’s almost emotionally Machiavellian. Lamasan mostly succeeds in this aspect. But the veracity of emotions is, no doubt, buoyed by the film’s laudable four-way lead! The lingering music is effective in hauling out emotions, but it’s a stroke of inspiration making use of Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars” to anchor Sari and Eric’s predicament.  “If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me? And just forget the world?” Some obstacles can overwhelm human emotions. Isn’t that sad?   

Regina hates Thursdays.

Attending a wedding at the Callao Cave up north.

Anita Linda does another demented Lola in "The Mistress", a role similar to her characters in "Caregiver" and "Santa Nina". While she is undoubtedly brilliant, one doesn't get high points for repeating ones self. 

Pak! Pak! My Dr. Kwak! - B-Rating For Bird-Brains

"Pak!" I often hear this every time K Brosas does her judging spiel at a weekend talent show, and I have wondered why she does this. It's meaningless. There isn't anything funny about it either. The delivery, done in staccato fashion, has this irritating resonance. Who finds amity in the sound of swatting flies?

Such word play in the title largely reflects the content or essence in Tony Y. Reyes' "Pak! Pak! My Dr. Kwak!" where for the most part, the working gags have been used since the Pleistocene Period when dinosaurs dominated the food chain. But they had a good excuse for such imbecilic undertakings - they only had lint-produced fire and stones to work with. My friend Iya asked me, "What do you expect in a Vic Sotto film?" This was of course pure rhetoric.

FOUR FILM OUTFITS

That this film is a co-production of 4 film outfits (Sotto's Mzet, Ilacad's Octo-Arts, Tuviera's APT, and ABS-CBN's Star Cinema) further highlights the priority and mindset of the current crop of mainstream film makers, and if this isn't the proverbial "dumbing down" in Philippine Cinema, I don't know what is.

Angelo and Cielo

Capsule

When mischievous angel Angelito (Zaijian Jaranilla) disrupts operations of the Heaven's "Matching Machine", the playful tyke is sent to Earth for a life-affirming mission that involves a con artist named Angelo (Vic Sotto) who, along with his crew, operates as a faith healer. His healing sessions include staged miracles and the requisite "optional donations". But when one of his "patients", Mang Gary (Gary Lising) falls ill after drinking one of Angelo's potions, concerned physician Cielo de los Santos (Bea Alonzo) feels compelled to look into the matter. Little did she realize that these were the same people who almost run her over.

When Cielo confronts Angelo, he vehemently denies the ruse. Enter Angelo's assistants, Phil and James (Jose Manalo and Wally Bayola) who bumped a child on the road - the now-human Angelito. The child appears lifeless so the cavillous Cielo chides at the dumb-founded quack, "Sige nga, pagalingin mo nga sya!" Left without an option, Angelo takes the child and does his mumbo jumbo, and voila! The fallen child comes back to life - conveniently with a good audience as witnesses. Since then, Angelo has taken Angelito as his own, and they have become healing partners. Cielo has gradually warmed up to the "arbularyo's charm". In fact, they turn into a fetching couple along with Angelito and Macy (Cielo's little sister, played by Xyriel Manabat).

FROM HEEL TO HERO

Like the easy resolutions that Filipino movies are known for, Angelo has organized "medical missions" and even sought the assistance of Cielo for such noble undertaking. At this point, I was stifling a vomit, for how can a quack suddenly turn 180 degrees and donate all his "earnings" (P100,000) to a children's orphanage? There is no subtle character progression. Angelo snaps his finger and turns from heel to hero!

Angelito and Macy

There are a hundred issues concerning logic so we are going to point out a few for the sake of discussion. That Cielo, a GP who does cardio-thoracic surgeries (wink, wink), openly endorses a person whom she knew hasn't had a single day in medical school constitutes grave impediment to her Hippocratic Oath. She even covers for his misdeeds, "He practices alternative medicine," she reasons. But even such practitioners have to have adequate training. Or did she forget that Mang Gary caught amebiasis from one of Angelo's concoctions?

FARTS AND DIARRHEA

Humor in this movie takes the form of fart jokes, diarrheic explosions and assault of physical imperfections, you would think that we're back in the 60's when slapstick physical comedy were the norm. When another patient complains of diarrhea (again), he was asked: "Umeebak ka ba ng dugo? O dumudugo ka ng ebak?" In another scene, Cielo was told, "No ispik because the pipol has ispiken!" Huh? Someone actually thought that line was funny?

When Angelo visits Cielo home, he meets a hostile mother (Dexter Doria) who tells him, "O wag ka na umupo!" which was replied with "Lumuhod pwede?" When Mang Gary complains of abdominal discomfort, Angelo replies with a curt, "I-jerbaks mo lang yan" which then incites a wad of passing gas. This is the heir to Dolphy's throne. How sophisticated, right?

In typical Vic Sotto fashion, the story propagates the myth that "Bossing" is drop-dead gorgeous, girls forget themselves when they see him. And Cielo becomes guinea pig to test out his charisma. Every time Cielo and Angelo meet, the former becomes a basket-case. She inadvertently salivates, and loses her coordination, bumps her head and fumbles through stuff. Such is the conceit of the "Bossing" that he even had to refer to her as "Miss Laway". And I sincerely sympathize with all of "bossing's" cinematic muses for falling vulnerable and debilitated under his bewitching machismo. Sure, this is comedy, but there has to be something remotely feigning reality.

Pokwang plays Pining, the deceitful trio's landlady, who's also fallen under Angelo's charm. (Toldya the bossing is irresistible!) When she asked him, "Ano ba ang meron si Cielo na wala ako?" Jose replies with, "Lamang lang naman siya ng isang paligo sa yo... sa fountain of youth!" Get it? At another time, Phil and James ended up shoving two bananas inside Pining's mouth, so she's left doing Heimlich maneuver on her own. I suddenly miss watching "Three Stooges".

Pining, Phil and James

ALL IN THE TVJ FAMILY

There are familiar faces from the TVJ world. Ryan Yllana cameos as a naughty angel. Richie the Horsey plays a patient. Anjo Yllana is an obstetrician (who delivers Cielo's baby). Paolo Ballesteros plays Cielo's gay friend Anton. Toni Rose Gayda plays a nun handling the orphanage. And Joey de Leon is a Philippine Medical Association official who receives the complaint against Dra. Cielo. After finding Johnny Revilla's complaint against Cielo petty, Joey de Leon remarks, "Binebeywang mo ang oras ko!" then cracks it up with its raucous English translation, "You are wasting my time!" Baywang? Waist? Get it? And it is a waste alright to see less of Joey de Leon on screen because he genuinely cracks me up even with inane lines. His manner of delivery is distinct; his timing is impeccable. Vic Sotto meanwhile resorts to facial contortions and physical assaults ("pambabatok") to spark humor.

I'm not even discussing much of Bea Alonzo's participation in this film because what is this generation's best actress doing in a half-witted diarrheic stool like this? Did she read the moronic drivel in her script? In one scene, when Angelo finally takes Cielo to meet his father (Joonee Gamboa), this was how the scene went:

Tatay: "Sino yan?"

Angelo: "'Tay."

Cielo: "Doktora po ako."

Huh? Who asked what her profession was? It was a good thing she didn't turn in her medical diploma, board certificate and medical license.

***

During the requisite altercation, Angelo shouts at Angelito for failing to cure his own father.

Cielo: "Wag mong sigawan ang bata, anghel yan!" Huh? LOL

When Angelo got shot on the chest, the E.R. doctor suddenly performs the sensitive operation. Cardiothoracic surgeons do these things, not general practitioners or ER docs. After performing the operation, Cielo comes out of the O.R. wearing a dress! Couldn't fit into a scrub suit, Bea? After the same operation, Angelo dreams of Angelito saying his goodbye because his mission was completed. It was Angelito's time to go back to heaven. Then we find Angelo removing his oxygen mask. He gets off his hospital bed and runs after the child! This is nothing short of a miracle considering he just survived a close-to-fatal chest gunshot and a cardio-thoracic operation which should rightfully have him bed-ridden under intensive care supervision for the next week or so. The next morning, when he wakes up, his father (who had a lingering illness) was all healed - overnight! Imagine all four production companies looking after this project and they couldn't even get the basic things right.

Mainstream cinema is a bunch of greedy, sniveling nincompoops. Indeed!

But the most flagrant of immoral iniquity? Cinema Evaluation Board has given this maudlin piece of crap a B rating! Birdbrains at the Board!

C.E.B. & INCENTIVES OF HAVING FRIENDS

Republic Act 9167 created the Film Development Council of the Philippines which, to my knowledge, hasn't really done much for the industry. Its Section 10 further creates the Cinema Evaluation Board (CEB) composed of 30 members - 20 from the industry (for who would be better equipped to distinguish a work of art than the people working within, right?) and 10 from the arts, academe and business sector. Its main objective is to rate films and give incentives to superior work, i.e. "for the promotion and development of cinematographic art along world-class standards and global marketability". Now tell me, based on the sketches I presented here, which portion of the film brilliantly titled "Pak! Pak My Dr. Kwak", is deemed world class? Is it the lingering fascination with farts and watery stools? The propagation of the myth that Vic Sotto makes young beautiful women drool? The condoning of quack doctors to perform "medical missions" when he isn't even a medical graduate? Or is it the lurid representation of:

a. "a clear and well realized and effective orchestration of the film elements"

b. a screenplay with a clear characterization, dialogue, plot and narrative structure; take note of a character played by Victor Basa, a gun-toting thug who's out for vengeance after being hoodwinked into giving a large sum for the cure of an ailing father who never got better. The "narrative structure" would eventually have him running after Vic Sotto, et.al. so he'll get his father re-treated. Again? Didn't he go through this before? And he wants another go at it? LOL. Didn't I say brilliant?

I can go on and on about the "merits" of this film that eventually ended up with a B rating (thus qualifying for a 65% tax incentive). Fantastic! And before writing 30, Jackie Aquino, who I believe is a member of the mostly unemployed CEB board members, does a cameo.

When patronage politics is being shamelessly peddled by the people who's supposed to recognize good from bad films, isn't it sinful? Corruption doesn't always happen within duly elected positions. Otherwise, Carlo Caparas would never be remotely considered as someone of National Artist caliber. Not in my wildest dream.

2010's Best Performances

Best performances in films are typified by an actor's ability to lend sincerity and truth to a given character. They transcend and go beyond the limitations of a written character, making them come to life. They also become vessels of insight; they mirror lives and allow us to "feel" and sympathize for them; to frighten or amuse us, allure us with the power of their emotion. From 73 commercially released movies from January 1 to December 31, 2010, here is our shortlist of those who deserve our standing ovation.

These are 2010's Best Performances:

Best Performance by an Actor in a Lead Role:

1. Ronnie Lazaro as the cantankerous ex-convict with a soft heart for damsels in distress in "Ishmael"

2. John Lloyd Cruz as Allan, the lonely architect who falls for a girl who writes on stones in "Miss You Like Crazy"

Ronnie Lazaro & John Lloyd Cruz

3. Sid Lucero as Jun, the ex-seminarian-cum-activist who figures in a clandestine affair with Errol (Cogie Domingo), a married lawyer in the over-written and sappy "Muli".

4. Joey Paras as Wilson, a film production assistant, who faces judicial reproach when he misplaces a rented tapestry used during a TV commercial shoot in "Last Supper No. 3"

Sid Lucero & Joey Paras

5. Pen Medina as Lolo Pol, the aging inmate forced to do his last assassination "job" to avert threats against his daughter's life in "Layang Bilanggo"

6. Coco Martin as the traveling journalist who follows Noynoy Aquino's campaign trail in "Noy"

Pen Medina & Coco Martin

Our best performance by an actor in a lead role: Sid Lucero is the best thing in the otherwise mediocre gay romance, "Muli". In the movie, Lucero is self assured, a packet of smoldering passion. His intensity overflows; his longing looks towards the self-absorbed Errol quite palpable. You'd wish someone would look at you that way!

Here are the year's best performance by an actress in a lead role:

1. Bea Alonzo as the bitter daughter Dianne who's ambivalent of her father's homecoming 10 years after he abandoned his family to live with his mistress in the predictable "Sa Yo Lamang"

2. Jennylyn Mercado as the spoiled heiress who, in the 1920s, from her New York studies, comes home to Isabela in "Rosario"

Bea Alonzo & Jennylyn Mercado

3. Frenchescka Farr as Amelia, the poverty-stricken Ilocano lass who becomes royal nanny in an emirate household in the musical-adventure "Emir". Farr is emotionally adroit and vocally nimble, without a trace of excesses. She is the perfect heroine that embodies the strong Filipina! It's hard to picture any other actresses play Amelia. Farr lights up the screen like a newly crowned cinema royalty.

4. Angelica Panganiban is simply a sight to behold as Stephanie, the blushing bride who gloriously transforms into a "flaming fairy" in "Here Comes The Bride"

Frenchescka Farr & Angelica Panganiban

5. Carla Abellana as the perturbed tutor Diane who unearths several disturbing facts other than her wards' photosensitivity in Shake, Rattle & Roll 12's "Punerarya" segment. A feisty, empathetic heroine - and a "star" is truly born!

6. Rita Avila as Soledad, the middle aged housewife who figures in an illicit tryst with a younger man one chatty night in Boracay in “Magdamag”.

Our Best Actress: Hands down and no contest - Bea Alonzo is a virtual force of nature as Dianne in "Sa Yo Lamang"! She elevates the triteness of the pedestrian narrative, conveying herself into several levels of emotional intensity. I am telling you, guys, give Bea the role of a stone and she will make us believe it! Ms. Alonzo is truly this generation's most insightful actress! And I hope Star Cinema remembers this!

Carla Abellana & Rita Avila

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role:

1. Dolphy as Francisco who tells the sprawling saga of his grandmother in "Rosario"

2. Ricky Davao as Miguel, the scurrilous and slimy landlord in "Rosario"

Dolphy & Ricky Davao

3. Enchong Dee as the conflicted James, an honor student who resorts to cheating, in "Sa Yo Lamang"

4. Luis Manzano as Sarah Geronimo's suitor in the product-peddling, commercial-heavy "Hating Kapatid". Manzano's self deprecating scenes are a joy to behold, I couldn't help myself from laughing so hard. Remember that scene where Cecil (Sarah Geronimo) pursues Luis - on foot! - as she tries to apologize all the way from North Edsa to Galleria? Doing comedy is never an easy task.

Enchong Dee & Luis Manzano

5. Jeffrey Quizon as the closeted funeral parlor attendant who joins a grieving family's trip to secure the corpse of a beloved daughter in "Two Funerals"

6. Marc Abaya as Pido, the ravenous cult leader in the visually delectable (in fact, 2010's most gorgeous film) "Dagim"

Our Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Dolphy as Francisco, the intuitive storyteller who mines his limited scenes with sincerity and heartfelt simplicity in "Rosario". In the hands of a lesser actor, his stories could be easily watered down as hearsay. And Mr. Manny Pangilinan wouldn't have produced this lavish tale. :->

Jeffrey Quizon & Marc Abaya

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role:

1. Jodi Sta. Maria as the unwed mother Aylynn who feels naturally conflicted when her old paramour Wesley (Sam Milby) comes home in the Ozu-styled "Third World Happy"

2. Kalila Aguilos as the long suffering Tersing, a maid in a royal household, who's eternally cash-strapped and under-appreciated in "Emir". Check out her duet ("O Maliwanag Na Buwan") with Amelia (Farr).

Jodi Sta. Maria & Kalila Aguilos

3. Eugene Domingo as Rowena, Ina's best friend in the riotous "Ang Tanging Ina Mo...Last Na 'To", a film that somehow reminds you of the grandeur of Ms. Domingo's comedic talent!

4. Odette Khan as Manang Ludya, one of the caretakers at the funeral parlor in Shake, Rattle & Roll 12's Punerarya episode. She navigated through the segment almost without a line, but her presence is so powerful, you remember her serrated fangs way after leaving the cinema.

Our Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Jodi Sta. Maria in "Third World Happy". Ms. Sta. Maria has truly evolved into one of the country's most prolific actresses. Her short scenes with Sam Milby (the first time her character sees her ex-boyfriend - after 12 long years) is a testament to the newfound thespic power of this actress.

Eugene Domingo & Odette Khan

MUSICAL THEMES

We would like to mention the amazing songs worthy of commendation from some of 2010's films: the anthemic "Ba't Ako Narito" sang by Frenchescka Farr ("Emir"), and Toni Gonzaga's perfectly frolicky, hearth-warming "Mahal Kasi Kita" from the often times gratifying - scrumptious "My Amnesia Girl".

Up next: 2010's Worst Films and Performances

Bea Alonzo - A Force of Nature in Trite "Sa Yo Lamang"

Two words - Bea Alonzo.

Synonym: brilliant.

In a film that's questionably rated A by a group of bumbling idiots, there is no denying the palpable intensity of this virtual force of nature. She limns her character in several dimensions, it felt like watching the latest stereoscopic technology. "Sa Yo Lamang - 3D" where the sole three-dimensional character was a girl named Dianne (Bea Alonzo). She's petulant of her father Franco's (Christopher de Leon) return. He abandoned them 10 years ago. Since then, Dianne has abandoned her own dreams, and has shouldered the family's financial needs.

Ten years is a long time to not move on. Human emotion learns with time, and hurtful things are eventually dulled by the resilience of the human soul. So how can Christopher's character impose his presence on a family of 4 growing kids he once nullified in favor of a mistress? This logic escapes me. Then, when his mistress calls for a prenatal check up, he flies off without even offering an excuse for his absence. Wasn't he just "accepted"? Not a darn squeak. Is this a documentation about ungrateful cads? Upon his return, he finds his children in a fisticuff. But proving the great father that he is, he halts this by punching one of his sons instead? What gives? Talk about Fathering and how not to be one.

This film teaches the wrong values. If this was a slice of the Modern Filipino Family, we are in deep shit! No, I would never find inspiration in this movie, the way one online reviewer suggested.

The family in question is far from being a cross-section of a typical Pinoy family, and please, let's not get up our seats and hail this visionary work as something we could ponder upon. Dianne is the sole character we understand; her motivations are quite lucid to us, thanks to Alonzo's masterful and earnest performance. Coco Martin, as rebellious Coby, is largely misdirected, like he grew up from a different family. He was loud, but shallow, and I thought he learned a thing or two from his indie experiences. Less is more, even in emotionally flagrant melodramas like this one. See how teleseryes can distract a natural actor? Enchong Dy plays the obedient James, an honor student who was caught buying stolen test papers. Enchong cuts a dashing screen character, like the boyish next door neighbor you'd wanna spy on. And he is intuitive in ways Piolo Pascual was, before Piolo finally settled into nothing but an overrated actor. Christopher de Leon, we miss him. He used to be the penultimate actor, but he has caricatured himself into someone who's superficially intense, but you know that it's all generic theatrics. That what is on screen is an actor who goes home at the end of the day as the celebrity that Mr. De Leon is. That is sad.

Lorna Tolentino underplays her role as Amanda Alvero, the family's suffering matriarch. She is a great actress and nothing in the movie deviates from this acknowledged idea, except that at times, I get distracted by a seemingly over-botoxed forehead that "appears too taut, too ironed and too hard". She has this eerie, waxwork look from mid-cheeks up to her forehead.

RENDERING THE EMOTIONS PARALYZED

You see, an actress' tool for expressing an emotion is her face. But when your muscles of expression are rendered frozen, how would an actress convey her feelings? Here's a literature I've read about the topic: "The muscles of the forehead help to form facial expressions. There are four basic motions, which can occur individually or in combination to form different expressions. The Occipitofrontalis muscles can raise the eyebrows, either together or singly, forming expressions of surprise and quizzicality. The corrugator supercilii muscles can pull the eyebrows inwards and down, forming a frown. The Procerus muscles can pull down the centre portions of the eyebrows." All these important capabilities are rendered paralyzed by an over-indulgent botox customer. Sadly, Ms. Tolentino's forehead looked steel-hard, the only portion moving is the hairline, even the raising of the eyebrow is disturbed. Check the scene where she prays and cries her heart away.

My friend Iya whispered about how Bea allegedly underwent breast augmentation during the shooting (go search at twitterworld for the loud whispers about this bout of vanity). I was just surprised. (Referenced to Bea's break-up scene with Zanjoe.) What for? Does an actress as beautiful as Bea, as sensitive as Bea, as luminous a star as Bea, really need bumpers the size of Sofia Lee's? She must be hatching a backup plan of dancing in Pegasus if or when her career plummets down Kristine Hermosa's level. Heaven forbid! We truly need great actresses even in mainstream limbo.

Going Cuckoo with Bea Alonzo in "Miss You Like Crazy"

"Crazy" - that's what suddenly comes to mind when you consider all the hallmarks that characterize Mia Samonte played by Bea Alonzo in Cathy Garcia-Molina's "Miss You Like Crazy". Or is the title really a subtext to going bonkers in the process of falling in love?

For what would you call someone who carries rocks in her shoulder bag for the sake of self expression? It doesn't matter that your grandma in her moments of lucidity suggested it once. Paper is a more acceptable option. Or ringing your friends for a chat. Or painting. Or blogging.

Self expression can't be expressed enough on the limited space of a rough stone! Moreover, you shall grow unsightly muscles, lugging stones around. Then you write distressing phrases like "Goodbye, World!" on them - leaving them on public chairs for everyone to see. In clinical psychology, it's as clear as a cloudless sky that she is "crying for help"! She is suicidal! Fast - she needs psychiatric attention! Moreover, she calls people around with names culled from the 12 months of the year. Whoever thought that was remotely funny should be lobotomized! Sure, it may start a trend - people writing on stones as opposed to buying feather-weight paper sheets. It may start a trend too that shall promote a muscle-building literacy; the cumulative effect of picking up stones. It is after all a calorie-burning exercise!

What if you needed to express a complicated situation that requires heaps of paragraphs? Then you would need a truckload of stones delivered to your house? The same house where your catatonic father rests! I am telling you. Writing on stones isn't a good idea! Besides, it's much cheaper to buy a pen and a paper than buying a single pentel pen that should cost you not less than 50 bucks!

My point here is, besides its being mere cinematic, writing on stones has limited appeal, not to mention the glaring fact that it is a product of desperate minds seeking original concepts for would-be romantic blockbusters! Who in their right mind would turn to rocks as a source of romantic inspiration?

I am mortified by lunatics! Fine, it's not even politically correct to mention the "L" word but I am honestly unnerved by them - that doesn't bode well when you're sitting inside a cold dark cinema, building great thoughts about a romantic character like Mia Samonte! You have the sinking feeling of being in the wrong cinema. Is this the romantic comedy that I thought I was watching? Or that other film dealing with major depression, multiple personalities and schizophrenia? Baka "Ligalig part 2"? LOL. Having said that, for the very first time, Bea Alonzo has disappointed me in a movie that's not altogether bad, but teeters with an insufficient inspiration!

That Kris Aquino, the newly proclaimed queen of the hard-sell endorses the film - "that scene at the restaurant" and how it deeply affected her - even before she saw the movie speaks of how drudgingly gullible and simple-minded Miss Aquino is. Who would believe her the next time she tells her public she is hurt by her husband's indiscretions when a mere scene at a restaurant "affects her so"? Try again, your royal highness of all-media!

After a seemingly harmless flirtation at a ferry ride and all over Divisoria, Mia (Bea Alonzo) and Allan (John Lloyd Cruz) become kindred spirits who find happiness with each other. But when Mia learns of Allan's committed relationship with Daphne (Maricar Reyes), she still decides to sleep with him before breaking up with him the next day. Then with a mere stone with "Mahal kita" written on it as his conciliatory gift, she accepts him back, not knowing that he would once again change his mind, like the spineless cuckoo-baiting scum that Allan really is. It is a see-saw predicament that confuses its audience more!

If anyone's ever lied to me, there are certain ground rules that should be observed: 1. I won't sleep with the lying scum; 2. a stone is an unacceptable conciliatory gift (cheap huh) - unless we're talking about those that carry 5-karats of loving; 3. he shall attain my wrath with a stone conveniently tapped against his dumb skull! 4. If I were to choose between a chauffeur-riding cutie like Hans Isaac - and a timorous cheat with questionable corporate credentials like Allan Alvarez, the choice should be a no-brainer, even to the no brains who shriek at highly maneuvered romcoms like this.

And I always though Star Cinema had a battery of the brightest thinktanks around. Apparently not.

Or they've been deceived!