Marlon Rivera & Tony Y. Reyes' "Enteng Kabisote 10 and the Abangers" - Schlockmeister's Nightmare

It felt odd sitting inside an SM cinema with so few people. There was a family of 5 behind me and a mother-and-her-child down the row. It was the opening day's second screening (1:15PM) on a Wednesday - and a public holiday to boot. There was hopeful anticipation all over. Christmas came early, people thought. It was the start of the festival of MMFF rejects! 

"Enteng Kabisote" movies are usually a chaotic experience, though not as much as a Vice Ganda film. Last Christmas, I remember miserably sitting on the orchestra floor watching "Beauty and the Bestie" because the cinema was filled to the rafters. It was traumatic for me; the most unglamorous experience I've had to endure, it made me blush! There were allegations of ticket-switching, but that was just ludicrous stunts from desperate fantards. It should be clear now who walked away with the box-office crown. 

But this begged to be asked: Where was the holiday crowd? Have the hundred-thousand Aldub twitterverse warriors gone off to the mountains for a sabbatical? Maybe they've gone political and raised arms to exhume the remains of a despotic president who was buried with a hero's pomp and pageantry. Pero secret lang huh? Tee hee. But really, anyare?!    

STORY

Enteng Kabisote (Vic Sotto), the country’s favorite handyman, is back. This time around, he has reinvented himself. The upgraded version displays a long, lean face, a familiar grin, that silvery fringe of mop on his head, and a protruding chin. He is "au fait" of all the shenanigans of the world. After all, he has battled monsters, wizards, giant tipaklongs, magical tutubi, shape-shifting vampires, and all the most ridiculous figments of a briskly dwindling, not-too-fertile imagination. 

These days, Enteng dabbles in robotics, posturing like Tony Stark, the scientist. He even has a very active Instagram account that gets updated regularly. (Would you seriously follow a near-60 Instagrammer-Snapchatter?) His corporate bosses – the three lolas – are putting the pressure on him as he tries to complete a robo-gadget called Kalba Kalba suit. But his project requires a mineral ("limestone corals") he has yet to discover in Bohol. To celebrate his birthday, he books his family holiday tickets for Tagbilaran. Unfortunately, his busy schedule keeps getting in the way of family bonding.

On the domestic front, things aren't as peachy. Benok (Oyo Boy Sotto) is now a police chief deeply investigating a suspicious game application called "Slashman" believed to possess its gamers. The half-breed engkanto suspects that a syndicate more sinister than humans is behind the series of amok-related events. To make matters worse, he's at loggerheads with his father for spoiling his son Benokis (Alonzo Muhlach). 

To cut the long story short, Enteng flies to Bohol alone - with a heavy heart! It is high time to take stock of his life, now that wife Faye (Pauleen Luna) is busy running Engkantasia, her fairy world. But what Enteng didn't foresee, the troubles of fairyland are spilling over in the world of man. Seven power-bearing half-breeds, collectively called "The Abangers" now live in their midst, and the nefarious "Tatlong Bibe" syndicate, headed by Dr. Kwak Kwak (Epy Quizon) are out to capture them - so he could re-acquire the powers that are rightfully his.

Enteng must help Benok stop the proliferation of Slashman, controlled by the mystical sovereign of Dr. Kwak Kwak - before it's all too late!

Inspired already? Not me. A portion of my right brain atrophied by 0.083% by merely telling that story. 

The story is gaunt and clearly derivative of other Enteng Kabisote movies since 2004. It is fueled by a formula that other lazy minds find comfort in watching. Many Filipinos have been conditioned to find gratification in anything familiar and predictable. This is one of the strengths of this movie series. Watching a Vic Sotto film doesn't require transmission of impulses to brain neurons, thus nothing is painful or belabored, but the P240 cinema admission.  

COTTON CANDY SYNDROME

One other draw of the movie franchise is this potpourri of constantly growing "dabarkads" that populate Enteng's world. When we find some of the characters doing cameos (like Allan K, Jimmy Santos, Ruby Rodriguez, Ryza Mae Dizon, or Joey de Leon as "Pandoy"), we slap ourselves silly and think, hey isn't that cool? It's the "cotton-candy syndrome". After a joyous sugar rush, we get tooth ache or die of hyperglycemia. The gains are as flimsy as a gossamer linen that eventually gets blown into the netherworld. 

Let's take the case of the phenomenal Aldub who figures too fleetingly in this 10th incarnation. The couple play Enteng's hotel attendants Richard and Nicomaine (Alden Richards and Maine Mendoza, respectively). In the movie, we find them constantly canoodling together wherever Enteng goes while in Bohol. The running gag goes like, "Kayo na ba?" Then they both deny this, like they'd die an excruciatingly painful death if they'd admit it. When Enteng flies back to Manila, they also disappear unceremoniously - like that lavender-scented toilet paper too thin for substantial use. So they're disposed of accordingly.

DATED JOKES

Vic Sotto isn't entirely charmless. Ten Enteng films and a long-running (now defunct) television show are a testament to this, but it has been 10 years of the same shtick. Kaumay na. This qualifies Sotto as the Philippines' undisputed movie schlockmeister, purveyor of inane movies! If you disagree, name one excellent Vic Sotto movie - fast! 

As the revamped Enteng, Sotto is besieged by old world jokes. How else does he render a subtext for "I know right?" circa 2009! On the other hand, April "Boy" Regino's "Di Ko Kayang Tanggapin" is even more archaic. The song came about in 1994 when Justin Bieber was born into this world so you can imagine the comic value of a song like this. Yes, I laughed - because I couldn't believe they're still stuck with this song! (Tickle tickle tickle) 

THE LOLAS

Among the motley crew of characters, it's the Zobelayalas that provide the most amusement - Lola Nidora (Wally Bayola), Lola Tinidora (Jose Bayola), and Lola Tidora (Paolo Ballesteros). 

The mere thought of these color-coordinated Zobelayalas and I couldn't suppress a giggle. These characters are too hilarious for my sanity, to be honest. They are unpredictable, adorable and every line they utter has a way of driving you to funny heaven and back. Vice Ganda has this talent. They could star in their own movie - and I'd gladly queue up and watch! 

THE ABANGERS

The lolas are part of the 7 "abangers" ("abang ng abang magkaroon ng silbi at maging kapaki-pakinabang" - go figure!) They include Oring (Cacai Bautista), Lucas Malakas (Jerald Napoles), Bisteka (Sinon Loresca), and Remy (Jelson Bay). They eventually get to slug it out with Dr. Kwak Kwak. In fact, one of the film's high lights is set within a computer-game. Fraught with comic flourishes, the presentation is visually impressive though the scene is protracted and unnecessarily long. 

Humor in this film is oddly off-kilter. When Enteng finally subdues Dr. Kwak Kwak (a character that he portrayed in a 2011 Star Cinema film with Bea Alonzo, "Pak! Pak! My Dr. Kwak!"), he tells his nemesis, "Paano ngayon, Kwak Kwak, kwek kwek ka na!" Funny, right? Some other overworked lines: "Anong style mo?" "Style na bulok." There's also the "ma at pa" - "malay ko at pakialam ko!" In another scene, Remy tells Enteng, "Sa haba ng mukha mo, baka masaksak mo ako!" 

At an airport, Enteng meets Jaya (a joke cross-referencing the "Queen of Soul" and Enteng's "soul searching"). Enteng then cracks, "Andaming bagahe. Lumipat na siyang talaga!" That got a chuckle from me. But you see, the jokes are a hit-and-miss affair. Some of them work. Mostly, they don't. 

Curiously, the ubiquitous product placements are gone! Nahiya? Tee hee. 

The film has two directors. Somehow, you get a sense of the parts directed by Marlon Rivera ("Ang Babae sa Septic Tank") and those by Tony Y. Reyes (director of all the past Enteng Kabisote movies from 2004 and the awards-worthy "Milyonaryong Mini" with Anjo Yllana). Dichotomy of sensibilities? 

TRADITION OF CHRISTMAS MEDIOCRITY

"Enteng Kabisote 10 and the Abangers" is a stark reminder why things should change. Such vapid movies have spoonfed the movie-going public with harebrained stories for too long now. It is time we stop this tradition of Christmas mediocrity. They've used the festivities as their milking cow, feeding crowds with a lot of cinematic garbage. They should give it a rest. There are 365 1/4 days in a year. Pick a date to show your masterpieces - outside the Christmas season.  

It is about time that we're purged of the vacuous drivel perpetrated by the Festival Mafia. Vic Sotto, after all, supports all these changes happening around. Change has indeed come. I hope Sotto will embrace this with gladness in his heart.

Tony Y. Reyes' "My Illegal Wife" - Humor Challenged Borrowings

After getting booted out of a job in Japan, 39 year-old Clarisse Sabaldica (Pokwang) comes home with a resolve to find her children a “father”, someone they can depend on. As fate would have it, she serendipitously meets Henry James Acuesta (Zanjoe Marudo) on her flight back to the Philippines. It's love at first sight. Unfortunately, her attraction is not reciprocated. But when their plane crashes, they find themselves marooned on an island. What’s worse, Henry suffers from amnesia. It's the opportunity opening up for her fervent wish.

Clarisse then concocts a plan to convince the poor guy that they are a married couple. “Pinatulan kita?” asks a baffled Henry. So goes the start of their blissful lives. Unknown to Clarisse, Henry is a “gold mule”. Several pieces of gold have been incredulously planted in his abdominal viscera prior to the plane crash (as though this was even medically possible). As if that wasn't enough, Henry is actually in a relationship with struggling jeweller Clarize (Ellen Adarna) who plotted the stygian operation. And the latter is desperate to find her missing beau. 

Back on the home front, Henry is starting to enjoy the attention he’s getting in Clarisse's household. The couple is, in fact, planning their church wedding with the help of their zany circle of friends (Beauty Gonzales, Pooh, Empoy Marquez, Edgar Allan Guzman). But sinister Clarize - "with a Z" - is closing in on them.

What happens if Henry regains his memory? Will Clarisse’s annoyingly cloying son Liam (John Steven de Guzman) lose a father figure? Will Clarisse forfeit her chance to have a complete family? Guess.

Tony Y. Reyes’ “My Illegal Wife” predicates solely on borrowed narrative snippets culled from Star Cinema’s array of blockbuster romcoms and the hit Angel Locsin teleserye, not to mention Kathniel's "Got2Believe": “It Takes a Man and a Woman”, “She’s the One”, “Bakit Di Ka Crush ng Crush Mo”, “Bride for Rent”, “Starting Over Again”, and that commercial-riddled vomitus called “Maybe This Time”. Its derivative content makes movie viewing utterly predictable and an unnecessarily gargantuan snooze . I felt like playing “sipa” or “tumbang preso” inside the cinema. I wanted to be anywhere but there. 

Even the supporting characters feel manufactured. Let’s take Empoy Marquez’s fractured and specious use of English words. Hasn't he done this similar ruse in a couple of romcoms in the recent past? If you had a fourth of a brain, you’d get exasperated by Marquez’s ludicrous shenanigan. "I smell something specie?" Duh. Too much of something is, well, “too much” – so we wanted to flush this charmless dingbat in a toilet bowl. Get rid of this abomination already. Beauty Gonzales’ briskly disappearing pout (supposedly born out of her rabidly kissing lover) is present in one scene and gone the next. She even felt the need to reference Wella, her character in “Starting Over Again”, as though people would find it amusing. I didn't. Wella’s two minutes of fame has rightfully passed so puh-lezzz bury her now!

There are several lines that make fun of physical attributes: "Ang isa, mukhang itik." In another scene, it becomes "Ang mga kaibigan niyang mukhang nalubog sa putik." "Janitor fish!" This is a hallmark of old school humor; the lazy variety that comedians/humorists of low-tier capability employ very often. And what's with the side story involving Jimmy Santos? Wasn't it one of the most painful movie moments you've ever watched in your life? Santos' idea of heightening emotions is his annoying sudden shouts. He would follow this up with grievous dramatic caterwauling. You'd think this old man had schizophrenia instead of Alzheimer's Disease. Santos apparently can't act to save his life. Yes, "Bang Bang Alley" was a fluke. But then Santos is being directed by Reyes; someone who's as clueless with on-cam emotions as he is in telling stories. 

Joy Viado’s cookie character is likewise troublesome. “Ba’t mo in-Indian si Liam, hindi ka naman Indian?” That was a joke? Seriously? Who laughed? And the clincher was...? Tony Reyes’ idea of humor is so 80’s that he could be responsible why Vic Sotto’s filmography is worth nothing but crap. “Pak! Pak! My Doktor Kwak?” “Lastikman?” “Fantastic Man?” “Iputok Mo, Dadapa Ako (Hard to Die)?” “Kabayo Kids?” Enumerating these titles even feels like an ominous predicament, a prostitution of sobriety and common sense.

Pokwang doesn't really take on a character. The movie runs with a succession of parody that doesn't quite synthesize into a singular coherent narrative. It's a feast of paper-thin caricatures. Pokwang is, of course, comfortable "being herself" but the film medium is a make-believe world and she isn't making believe. She's doing a protracted stand-up comedy show. Her impression of Nora Aunor elicited laughter ("Meron ba akong hindi alam, asawa ko?"). Zanjoe’s impression of Xian Lim, Daniel Padilla and Enrique Gil bear no semblance to the aforementioned gents so you end up with a headache trying to connect his so-called "joke". It was so flat I heard the wind from the east on its way to Ecuador. Zanjoe’s “Pinatulan kita,” was funny though. Joy Viado’s flirting with men was cringe-worthy. Zanjoe’s “I need an acceptable explanation” likewise flatlined and went to heaven. You see, everything about the film is a “hit-and-miss” affair; but they're mostly “misses”.

After Sarah Geronimo and Coco Martin’s recent disaster, Pokwang and Zanjoe Marudo follow awkwardly like another blundering pair, you’d never believe in a hundred million light years that something will romantically curdle between these two disparate souls. That Marudo and Pokwang are hailed as the “King and Queen of Skylight Films”, respectively, is pure gas. It is a slice of dishonor, if you ask me. Skylight Films, Star Cinema's alter-ego, has been churning out one mediocre film after another, with the exception of Veronica Velasco's “Tuhog”. This purveyor of second-rate mainstream fare is giving Star Cinema a bad rep.

A glimmer of hope in this gloriously wasteful effort is Ellen Adarna. She initially comes off irresolute, no thanks to vapid, albeit one-dimensional character development, but she eventually catches up, playfully pursuing the sinister-but-occasionally-funny vixen. When she contorts her face, you knew she was going to be a fumbling menace. And oh God, what a beautiful menace she is. If her character’s a bit unhinged or incoherent, it’s the brilliant writers’ undoing.

In one scene, she yells, “Sino ba ang babaeng yan?” How can she not know? Her henchmen had been spying on Pokwang’s Clarisse for some time to get to Zanjoe's Henry. It was even the reason why they found him, wasn't it? Someone conveniently forgot?

SURPRISES

Here's a surprising fact: I watched "My Illegal Wife" twice to confirm my observations about this film, but what I've observed was this. Sarah Geronimo's "Maybe This Time", released 2 weeks ago, has folded for good. It's not in cineplexes anymore as I write this. How long did Toni Gonzaga's "Starting Over Again" run in our cinemas? An impressive 8-9 weeks, and even longer. "Maybe This Time" (MTT), after its 2nd week is gone. So tell me honestly, would you believe when they say that the Sarah-Coco starrer was a gargantuan hit? In fact, "My Illegal Wife" enjoyed a bigger and fuller crowd in Cebu (SM Cinema 3) as it was at a Gateway cinema. Moreover, while the Manila crowd had a more reserved reception to the film's humor, Cebu crowd was rowdier. Davao audience wasn't as pleased. The movie played on almost empty halls and the few who watched weren't laughing. What does this signify? Is the Manila crowd a more sophisticated audience than the provincial folks? Is Davao more urbane in their humor? There should be a sociological explanation to these discrepancies, shouldn't there?
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But this much is true, when a comedy flick offers laughters that are exceeding few and far between, you would wonder about the material’s raison d’etre and, subsequently, its source of inspiration. They designed a persona with Pokwang's ebullience and temperament. "My Illegal Wife" is a bad idea in the guise of comedy. One wonders why Star Cinema is “making hay” successively producing bad films this year! Is it following the foot steps of GMA Films? Anyare?   

Enteng ng Ina Mo - Comic Flourishes with Diminishing Substance

It’s the first film we went to watch at the MMFF not because we thought highly of it. Logistics of watching movies at the festival has to be carefully planned if you want a hassle-free experience. We chose Greenbelt 3 over Trinoma (nearer my village) because of the comparatively less crowd volume. Besides, it’d be nice to break the tedium. Christmas dinner afterwards would take place at my grandfather’s dig in Makati.

Which film would bring in the most crowd? That’s what we’d book first, that way we can take our sweet time queuing for the rest of the line-up without the frenetic rush to get the last few seats later in the day. So on the first day of MMFF, I donned my Christmas-inspired stilettos and harassed my friend so we could make the first screening at Greenbelt 3. Tony Y. Reyes’ “Enteng ng Ina Mo” plays first, followed by “Panday 2”, “Segunda Mano”, then “House Husband”. It was going to be “Shake, Rattle and Roll 13” instead of the Judy Anne Santos-Ryan Agoncillo starrer, but it wasn’t in the Greenbelt line-up! Simply put, that’s our fearless forecast for the biggest money makers for this festival. Doing away with them first would allow us to enjoy the rest of the movie watching season, with relative ease and comfort.

So... what happens when Enteng Kabisote meets Ina Montecillo?

Ina Montecillo (Ai-Ai de las Alas) has been having vivid and disquieting dreams of strife and fighting a war alongside a valiant warrior, a “knight in shining, shimmering armor”. But in her waking hours, the doting former president is anxious of being left on her own while most of her 12 children have started living their lives. Juan (Marvin Agustin), her eldest, is due to move to a new home with his family. Tudis (Nikki Valdez) has bought a house for her and son Oogie. Dimitri (Carlo Aquino) will soon relocate to Cebu where he’s assigned for work. Gay son Pip (Alwyn Uytingco) might do the same once he finds his new papa, taking daughter Monay (Xyriel Manabat) with him. To make matters worse, Rowena (Eugene Domingo), Ina’s best friend, is too preoccupied with her boytoy Frank (Jon Avila). The widow of four is lonely. And Carlito (Piolo Pascual), her last boyfriend, has flown off to South Africa, and has suffered morbid consequences (“Nilapa ng leon,” informed Ina.) Where will this leave Ina? No wonder she has burdensome dreams of conflict - and of a brave knight.

Meanwhile, at the Kabisote household, Enteng (Vic Sotto) is flustered when Faye (Gwen Zamora), his wife – a fairy princess – decides to leave Earth for Engkantasia (the fairy world) without his permission to fight a fast-losing battle against her evil sister Satana (Bing Loyzaga) who has captured the queen, Ina Magenta (Amy Perez). While Faye is occupied training for the impending invasion, Satana casts a spell on Enteng: the first lady he sees at the door becomes the future Mrs. Kabisote. In comes Ina Montecillo who’s flattered by the attention that Enteng showers on her. While Enteng is bent on wooing Ina, the latter is gradually falling for the charming gentleman who failed to tell her that he’s married. What’s worse, Ina’s children aren’t pleased with their mother’s new paramour, and they’re too happy to let him know.

Over at Engkantasia, the situation has turned hopeless. With the help of other fairies, Ina Verde and Ina Asul (Precious Lara Quigaman and Megan Young), they have to summon the help of Enteng and bring to fairyland their “bagong tagapagligtas” (new savior) who happened to be – Ina Montecillo! And they have to get there fast before Faye, Ina Magenta and the whole fairyland fall under the sovereign of Satana! Will Enteng, Ina and the gang succeed against ghouls, monsters, witches and a giant Cyclops? Guess.

Hurdling the narrative stretch is a feat, but there’s novelty in the cinematic pairing of the two biggest box office draws of the MMFF. With a reed-thin plot that fuels this smorgasbord of genres (comedy, drama, horror, fantasy, action, adventure), the movie rests solely on the spirited performances of its cast, and its episodic endeavors at humor. Ina and Enteng’s rendezvous is indeed novelty, considering we’ve somehow grown accustomed to them. They’ve become guilty pleasures; they’ve become part of our Christmases, whether we deem them substantial or not! Ai-Ai de las Alas and Vic Sotto enjoy a comic chemistry that at times feels genuinely funny; other times banal, mundane. But it’s hard to ignore the light banter between these two veteran comedians. Their scenes mostly work even with the occasional awkward moments when the romantic strain becomes a burden. This uneven consequence is reflected in the movie going experience, taking us on a roller coaster ride of mediocre gaffes, heartwarming deliverances and the comfort and relative succor of familiarity with the characters.

Eugene Domingo returns as the rambunctious and hysterical Rowena who takes advantage of most of her limited screen time. Domingo lights up the screen with manic energy. She’s our adorable comic muse for a reason. Her timing is impeccable, her delivery crackles with whimsy. This comic intuition is borne out of her theatrical experience, I surmise. Either that, or she's unadulterated genius. It’s notable that, despite her cinematic successes, she hasn’t turned her back on the movie series that helped showcase her comical magic on screen. In a scene where Ina learns of Enteng’s “deception” (he tells her that he’s married, that their romantic dalliances was from a witch’s spell, and that he’s still in love with his fairy wife), Rowena suddenly pulls a panel behind the wailing Ina, chasing her around with the set piece. “Dito ka sa harap nito umiyak, mananalo ka ng award!” she deadpans. Though on text, that isn’t humorous. Her glib delivery had me cracking up. Kakaloka ka, Eugene!

Enteng gets spellbound by an anonymous lady (Pauleen Luna).

There are send-ups from popular movies (“No Other Woman”, “Won’t Last a Day Without You”), but they mostly fall flat. The humor cake is mostly served in the interaction between Enteng and Ina, and the sporadic scenes of the ebullient Eugene Domingo.

MESSAGE

The message of strong familial ties resonates loudly in the intertwining stories of Ina and Enteng. Societal woes batter the dynamics of living a harmonious family life, yet it is instructive to note that when we we're required to hurdle insurmountable problems, we ultimately find ways to unite and fight our battles together - as a family. And isn't that the essence of a Filipino family?

SPOILERS!

The funniest scene in "Enteng ng Ina Mo" transpires at the concluding scene when they realized that Aiza Kabisote (Aiza Seguerra), Enteng’s lesbian daughter, got pregnant. The father: Ina’s gay son Pip (Uytingco) who then testily reminded Aiza: “Ikaw kasi, kalabit ng kalabit!”

It’s interesting to note that the scenes away from Engkantasia (which monopolized the last fourth of the movie) were more compelling than the invasion-and-rescue which was hackneyed. We’ve seen them before. We could close our eyes and chronologically predict what’s going to happen next. The novelty of such obtusely choreographed fight scenes (with decent CGI’s) has worn off two years ago. People are eventually going to tire off such drollery. See how people have gradually dismissed Bong Revilla’s “Panday 2” with briskly dwindling numbers.

Yes, the gang’s back but we need narrative substance too.

Rowena shares her thoughts. to bestfriend Ina.



Faye rehearses her fairy spells.


"Hi, kids. I'm Mr. Pogi," remarked Enteng.


"Could you lock the door?" Enteng tells Ina. She replies with, "No, Enteng, please don't!"


Giant cyclops

Pak! Pak! My Dr. Kwak! - B-Rating For Bird-Brains

"Pak!" I often hear this every time K Brosas does her judging spiel at a weekend talent show, and I have wondered why she does this. It's meaningless. There isn't anything funny about it either. The delivery, done in staccato fashion, has this irritating resonance. Who finds amity in the sound of swatting flies?

Such word play in the title largely reflects the content or essence in Tony Y. Reyes' "Pak! Pak! My Dr. Kwak!" where for the most part, the working gags have been used since the Pleistocene Period when dinosaurs dominated the food chain. But they had a good excuse for such imbecilic undertakings - they only had lint-produced fire and stones to work with. My friend Iya asked me, "What do you expect in a Vic Sotto film?" This was of course pure rhetoric.

FOUR FILM OUTFITS

That this film is a co-production of 4 film outfits (Sotto's Mzet, Ilacad's Octo-Arts, Tuviera's APT, and ABS-CBN's Star Cinema) further highlights the priority and mindset of the current crop of mainstream film makers, and if this isn't the proverbial "dumbing down" in Philippine Cinema, I don't know what is.

Angelo and Cielo

Capsule

When mischievous angel Angelito (Zaijian Jaranilla) disrupts operations of the Heaven's "Matching Machine", the playful tyke is sent to Earth for a life-affirming mission that involves a con artist named Angelo (Vic Sotto) who, along with his crew, operates as a faith healer. His healing sessions include staged miracles and the requisite "optional donations". But when one of his "patients", Mang Gary (Gary Lising) falls ill after drinking one of Angelo's potions, concerned physician Cielo de los Santos (Bea Alonzo) feels compelled to look into the matter. Little did she realize that these were the same people who almost run her over.

When Cielo confronts Angelo, he vehemently denies the ruse. Enter Angelo's assistants, Phil and James (Jose Manalo and Wally Bayola) who bumped a child on the road - the now-human Angelito. The child appears lifeless so the cavillous Cielo chides at the dumb-founded quack, "Sige nga, pagalingin mo nga sya!" Left without an option, Angelo takes the child and does his mumbo jumbo, and voila! The fallen child comes back to life - conveniently with a good audience as witnesses. Since then, Angelo has taken Angelito as his own, and they have become healing partners. Cielo has gradually warmed up to the "arbularyo's charm". In fact, they turn into a fetching couple along with Angelito and Macy (Cielo's little sister, played by Xyriel Manabat).

FROM HEEL TO HERO

Like the easy resolutions that Filipino movies are known for, Angelo has organized "medical missions" and even sought the assistance of Cielo for such noble undertaking. At this point, I was stifling a vomit, for how can a quack suddenly turn 180 degrees and donate all his "earnings" (P100,000) to a children's orphanage? There is no subtle character progression. Angelo snaps his finger and turns from heel to hero!

Angelito and Macy

There are a hundred issues concerning logic so we are going to point out a few for the sake of discussion. That Cielo, a GP who does cardio-thoracic surgeries (wink, wink), openly endorses a person whom she knew hasn't had a single day in medical school constitutes grave impediment to her Hippocratic Oath. She even covers for his misdeeds, "He practices alternative medicine," she reasons. But even such practitioners have to have adequate training. Or did she forget that Mang Gary caught amebiasis from one of Angelo's concoctions?

FARTS AND DIARRHEA

Humor in this movie takes the form of fart jokes, diarrheic explosions and assault of physical imperfections, you would think that we're back in the 60's when slapstick physical comedy were the norm. When another patient complains of diarrhea (again), he was asked: "Umeebak ka ba ng dugo? O dumudugo ka ng ebak?" In another scene, Cielo was told, "No ispik because the pipol has ispiken!" Huh? Someone actually thought that line was funny?

When Angelo visits Cielo home, he meets a hostile mother (Dexter Doria) who tells him, "O wag ka na umupo!" which was replied with "Lumuhod pwede?" When Mang Gary complains of abdominal discomfort, Angelo replies with a curt, "I-jerbaks mo lang yan" which then incites a wad of passing gas. This is the heir to Dolphy's throne. How sophisticated, right?

In typical Vic Sotto fashion, the story propagates the myth that "Bossing" is drop-dead gorgeous, girls forget themselves when they see him. And Cielo becomes guinea pig to test out his charisma. Every time Cielo and Angelo meet, the former becomes a basket-case. She inadvertently salivates, and loses her coordination, bumps her head and fumbles through stuff. Such is the conceit of the "Bossing" that he even had to refer to her as "Miss Laway". And I sincerely sympathize with all of "bossing's" cinematic muses for falling vulnerable and debilitated under his bewitching machismo. Sure, this is comedy, but there has to be something remotely feigning reality.

Pokwang plays Pining, the deceitful trio's landlady, who's also fallen under Angelo's charm. (Toldya the bossing is irresistible!) When she asked him, "Ano ba ang meron si Cielo na wala ako?" Jose replies with, "Lamang lang naman siya ng isang paligo sa yo... sa fountain of youth!" Get it? At another time, Phil and James ended up shoving two bananas inside Pining's mouth, so she's left doing Heimlich maneuver on her own. I suddenly miss watching "Three Stooges".

Pining, Phil and James

ALL IN THE TVJ FAMILY

There are familiar faces from the TVJ world. Ryan Yllana cameos as a naughty angel. Richie the Horsey plays a patient. Anjo Yllana is an obstetrician (who delivers Cielo's baby). Paolo Ballesteros plays Cielo's gay friend Anton. Toni Rose Gayda plays a nun handling the orphanage. And Joey de Leon is a Philippine Medical Association official who receives the complaint against Dra. Cielo. After finding Johnny Revilla's complaint against Cielo petty, Joey de Leon remarks, "Binebeywang mo ang oras ko!" then cracks it up with its raucous English translation, "You are wasting my time!" Baywang? Waist? Get it? And it is a waste alright to see less of Joey de Leon on screen because he genuinely cracks me up even with inane lines. His manner of delivery is distinct; his timing is impeccable. Vic Sotto meanwhile resorts to facial contortions and physical assaults ("pambabatok") to spark humor.

I'm not even discussing much of Bea Alonzo's participation in this film because what is this generation's best actress doing in a half-witted diarrheic stool like this? Did she read the moronic drivel in her script? In one scene, when Angelo finally takes Cielo to meet his father (Joonee Gamboa), this was how the scene went:

Tatay: "Sino yan?"

Angelo: "'Tay."

Cielo: "Doktora po ako."

Huh? Who asked what her profession was? It was a good thing she didn't turn in her medical diploma, board certificate and medical license.

***

During the requisite altercation, Angelo shouts at Angelito for failing to cure his own father.

Cielo: "Wag mong sigawan ang bata, anghel yan!" Huh? LOL

When Angelo got shot on the chest, the E.R. doctor suddenly performs the sensitive operation. Cardiothoracic surgeons do these things, not general practitioners or ER docs. After performing the operation, Cielo comes out of the O.R. wearing a dress! Couldn't fit into a scrub suit, Bea? After the same operation, Angelo dreams of Angelito saying his goodbye because his mission was completed. It was Angelito's time to go back to heaven. Then we find Angelo removing his oxygen mask. He gets off his hospital bed and runs after the child! This is nothing short of a miracle considering he just survived a close-to-fatal chest gunshot and a cardio-thoracic operation which should rightfully have him bed-ridden under intensive care supervision for the next week or so. The next morning, when he wakes up, his father (who had a lingering illness) was all healed - overnight! Imagine all four production companies looking after this project and they couldn't even get the basic things right.

Mainstream cinema is a bunch of greedy, sniveling nincompoops. Indeed!

But the most flagrant of immoral iniquity? Cinema Evaluation Board has given this maudlin piece of crap a B rating! Birdbrains at the Board!

C.E.B. & INCENTIVES OF HAVING FRIENDS

Republic Act 9167 created the Film Development Council of the Philippines which, to my knowledge, hasn't really done much for the industry. Its Section 10 further creates the Cinema Evaluation Board (CEB) composed of 30 members - 20 from the industry (for who would be better equipped to distinguish a work of art than the people working within, right?) and 10 from the arts, academe and business sector. Its main objective is to rate films and give incentives to superior work, i.e. "for the promotion and development of cinematographic art along world-class standards and global marketability". Now tell me, based on the sketches I presented here, which portion of the film brilliantly titled "Pak! Pak My Dr. Kwak", is deemed world class? Is it the lingering fascination with farts and watery stools? The propagation of the myth that Vic Sotto makes young beautiful women drool? The condoning of quack doctors to perform "medical missions" when he isn't even a medical graduate? Or is it the lurid representation of:

a. "a clear and well realized and effective orchestration of the film elements"

b. a screenplay with a clear characterization, dialogue, plot and narrative structure; take note of a character played by Victor Basa, a gun-toting thug who's out for vengeance after being hoodwinked into giving a large sum for the cure of an ailing father who never got better. The "narrative structure" would eventually have him running after Vic Sotto, et.al. so he'll get his father re-treated. Again? Didn't he go through this before? And he wants another go at it? LOL. Didn't I say brilliant?

I can go on and on about the "merits" of this film that eventually ended up with a B rating (thus qualifying for a 65% tax incentive). Fantastic! And before writing 30, Jackie Aquino, who I believe is a member of the mostly unemployed CEB board members, does a cameo.

When patronage politics is being shamelessly peddled by the people who's supposed to recognize good from bad films, isn't it sinful? Corruption doesn't always happen within duly elected positions. Otherwise, Carlo Caparas would never be remotely considered as someone of National Artist caliber. Not in my wildest dream.