Worst Films of 2010

It's been an economically difficult year for the Filipinos, but we constantly turn to the movies to somehow forget, but for a few hours, each of our strife. Movie watching used to be the Pinoy's cheapest form of entertainment, but that trend has changed. Are we even surprised a big percentage has turned to patronizing movie piracy? We do not condone this behavior. In fact, we get to watch most of these local movies in cinemas.

A movie ticket these days costs P150-180, depending on where you watch. This isn't a "cheap" hobby since money doesn't grow on trees. The money we spend on our films are borne out of hard work. Thus when we are served thoughtless, elementary flicks, we deem it a personal affront against our finances, not to mention sanity. If we're given something rotten for our money, we will rightfully declare it rotten. This is, after all, consumer rights!

We initially thought of doing away with our list of worst films and performances to start 2011 on a more positive note, but we realized this isn't fair! We have slaved over so much garbage last year that we feel we deserve to be able to list down the flicks that challenged our stamina, and absolutely wasted our time and money! From the 73 local flicks shown commercially (from January 1 to December 31, 2010), we found it easy to fill a Top 30 list. The state of the Philippine Movies is that bad! But for the sake of brevity, we have to narrow it down to a Top 10.

We would have easily included Crisaldo Pablo's "Mga Pinakamahabang One Night Stand 2" - which is "beyond awful" - but that film was basically a student project that amazingly found its way in commercial cinemas, thus our decision to exclude it from the list. Make no mistake, Crisaldo Pablo's trilogy of mediocrity could easily take the "crown" had it not been borne out of the director's conceit to field something that belongs in the hidden film archives of an exceedingly bad film school.

Here is 2010's Worst Movies: (in random order)

1. Pilantik (Argel Joseph)

An abused child turns into cross-dressing serial killer who attacks couples at the throes of orgasm. See Jao Mapa give Mon Confiado lip service.

2. Sanib 2 - 666 (Celso Ad. Castillo)

Possession and producer Honey Blanca's cleavage and high heels populate this abomination about a homecoming that goes awry. Jacklyn Jose gets badly dubbed. Didn't we advocate its lead star getting sent to Zambia? Or was it Zimbabwe?

3. D' Survivors (Adolf Alix, Jr.)

With so much eye candies populating this movie, the director forgot to tell a worthy story. There was humor somewhere, but we're supposed to excavate it from under the sands.

4. Tsardyer (Siegfried Barros Sanchez)

A myopic take on Ces Drillon's kidnapping saga, this elementary effort takes the cake on how to make music videos, errr...

See veteran actors like Neil Ryan Sese, Dimples Romana, Shamaine Centenera in the worst performances of their career. Listen to some of the most execrable songs ever played on the big screen while the bad guys accentuate "dagger looks" in their most livid glory!

5. Fidel (Mark Shandii Bacolod)

Considered as a "landmark film" by its own director, "Fidel" is lost in Bacolod's cloud of narcissism. In fact, in his 2nd flick "Ben & Sam" (shown 2 months after "Fidel" opened in theaters), he specifically used "Fidel" a representative of a superior film that champions the "troot". See Jon Hall as an arab who sodomized Lance Raymundo. See Andrea del Rosario pretend to be a concerned journalist. See Ma. Isabel Lopez cry her crocodile tears for the muted Fidel. See Snooky Serna as Snooky Serna!

6. Mahilig (Nico Salvador)

Gen. Caisip and Asec Rommel Garcia make stony anti-drug cameos in a film that weaves the stories of a drug addicted wife (Thea Alvarez she gets to shower several times, and shag her hubby Mon Lacsamana before they part ways) and an obedient son (Carlo Aquino, who gets lured into vices by Onemig Bondoc.) As we've said it before, it's one thing to advocate anti-drug sentiments, but when you're endorsing it within a salacious softcore film, any assumptions of good intent is lost!

7. SpEd Hearts (Felbert Go)

A somnabulist's delight, Ciara Sotto, who plays a Special Ed teacher, looks dazed all through out the film - whether she's arguing with her father or teaching in front of her wards. Her best scene? She turns her back from the audience as the credits start rolling. Meanwhile, Chamyto Aguedan's 6 children were shocked to find their father to be a flaming flower! No wonder the kids need "specialized education".

8. Santuaryo (Monti Parungao)

Shipwrecked on an island, albeit with a functional boat (carrying survival items like porn magazines), able bodied boys frolic in skimpy briefs in search of a treasure that turned out to be - whaddayaknow! - a nature park! Hear a smart boy asking his friend about a "blowjob" - "sinong top? sinong bottom?" Huh? See a paraplegic magically walk - for the sake of love! Wheee...

9. Pagnanasa (Fellyx Honeyfield)

Marco Morales snags Charles Delgado into his slimy web of libidinous lifestyle, but why can't he get it "up" when with him? "Lukso ng dugo" plays out ridiculously in this tale of brotherly love - in Pink Film fashion!

10. Ang Babae Sa Sementeryo (Neal Tan)

Neal Tan takes the tale of an itinerant soul and deconstructs it into this pseudo-social commentary that occurs in a cemetery being used as a prostitution den. Meanwhile, a new chief of police is investigating a series of murders around town. Then there are flickering images of ghosts, a flesh-eating child with telepathic powers, a bumbling duo of videographers and Tommy Abuel doing a Shakespeare soliloquy! I've always thought of Neal Tan as a desultory story teller, but he was never this narratively muddled!

Ben and Sam - Love in the Realm of Pretenses

Conceit seems to successfully filter through the director of “Ben and Sam”. In one of the scenes, a film class shows its students what would be a superior film; a film that champions the truth – or “troot” as beautifully enunciated several times by the characters! The film in question? The remarkable “Fidel” – Mark Shandii Bacolod’s horrible amateur schlock!

What university classifies “Fidel” as a respectable work of art deserves to be shut down for good for they teach spurious materials to impressionable young minds! In fact, whoever made the scholastic curriculum for this particular film class should be crucified and fed to the lethal Safari Ants of Kenya! Yes, that’s you, Angeli Bayani! LOL

That a film director would refer to his own work as a landmark film of sorts really smacks of unfounded narcissism! We wouldn’t mind if he was Jerrold Tarrog talking about his “Confessional” or Peque Gallaga talking about his “Oro, Plata, Mata” or Brillante Mendoza talking about “Foster Child”. After all, there would be basis for that! But this is the self-important Mark Shandii Bacolod for his “Fidel”! We suddenly thought we were watching a mockumentary – where Bacolod finally gets insight of how bad that garbage was! Really now, is there any moniker better than “garbage” to refer to “Fidel”?

Not to its director Mr. Bacolod, nor to Boy Rosas (who single handedly championed Lance Raymundo’s “sensitive portrayal”), its producers and filmmaking crew!

I guess there is no better avenue to hail your work than on your next film! If no one praises it, praise it yourself! Isn’t that sad?

The Story: Ben (Rayan Dulay) and Sam (Jess Mendoza) are polar opposites. They couldn’t be more dissimilar from each other, except that they share a dubious Film Class together – and that they vie for the “Campus King” title. While Ben is the resident sports jock, Sam is the eccentric chabacano who takes dance lessons! When Sam invites Ben as partner for their thesis, the latter accepts. Then one day, they share an unexpected kiss; something that gave our testosterone king Ben a stiffy! And thus starts their arduous journey towards social acceptance!

We have always found Dulay to be an insightful performer (he simmered in “Ang Laro sa Buhay ni Juan”) and he doesn’t disappoint here, except those painful moments when he is made to speak the queen’s language! This is really a pitfall! When your actors aren’t as proficient in the language as moi, pleaseeee don’t punish them with rigorous English lines. It will expose their shortcomings! It will further alienate the audience who’s supposed to sympathize with them. This is usually a writer’s myopic idea of rendering “intellect” to his character! Pa englishin mo para kunyari matalino! Honey, a person who speaks Tagalog can be as intelligent. False or Troot?

There are a myriad of cinematic gimmickry employed to buoy up interest in the lukewarm relationship that Ben and Sam shares! One, Ben’s mother (Ana Abad-Santos) is showcased in several scenes donning circus costumes a la Pokwang or, even better, Tessa Prieto Valdez! This was how they depicted the instability of the mother, a survivor of espousal abuse. Another gimmickry is the protracted use of slowmotion sequences that smack of bad visual poetry. We see this in a basketball game, and towards the end – when two full-length songs are played (one after the other) – while the lovers frolic naked in the rain! Once again, this is Bacolod’s version of rendering sophistication to his visual composition – slowmo! For a while there, I thought I was watching myx or that other music channel!

Spoilers!

Moreover, Bacolod can’t shake off the storytelling tack of introducing an irate character when his narrative flow has gone dry. He did this in “Fidel” in that really-tacky scene when a would-be interview subject (who already said “no” for an interview, played by Von Arroyo) suddenly stormed into the news agency of that idiot journalist played wonderfully by Andrea del Rosario! This came out of nowhere. Why Arroyo went berserk is beyond me. What provoked his attack was the sole product of the writer-director’s imagination, bearing no logical explanation. Except of course that it is cinematic to have someone carry a gun while shouting crazy stuff! In “Ben and Sam”, this came in 6 months after Ben tells off his former bestfriend George (Micah Munoz). If you really think about it, George's actions fall under the Guiness Book of World Record's most super-duper delayed reaction! Hahaha! In the scene, George storms into a room and shoots Sam dead! It took George 6 months to gather balls to avenge his being scorned? Normal individuals tend to move on after 6 months. But of course, this is a Mark Shandii Bacolod narrative that doesn't necessarily follow the normal flow of human emotions. Like their director, the characters live in an alternate dimension where common acceptable logic takes the back seat!

I had dejavu of Von Arroyo’s harrowing, lengthy scene in "Fidel", where he wailed, “Ito ang gusto n’yo, di ba?” - again and again and again! Unfortunately, Micah wasn’t masterful enough to spout kilometric lines so he was sent to scamper off instead.

Then visual poetry makes a return: an empty university hall turns into a stage where – in glorious slowmo once again – people coming from different directions start walking towards the center and across, I was sure they were gonna latch into Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” any moment. At some point, everybody stopped. Good thing coz I thought the principal (Malou Crisologo) was going to hit the wall! Shivers! It was a surreal choreography! Like that party game where people freeze when the music stops? Yes.

Bacolod is fond of employing these cheap gimmicks. I remembered a scene in my favorite “Fidel” when the idiot government officials were discussing the fate of Fidel, you’d see them walking around in circles, decked in black costumes. As though, once again, they were prepping for another Michael Jackson number – “Beat it!”

Finally, as Sam lies on his deathbed, we see Ben grieve for Sam. He cries, and the room stands still! My heart went to that lady doctor, looking like she swallowed 2 legs of pata tim; her position languidly oblique from the camera. Her face registering what it was like tasting crap! She stared at nowhere when she could have left the scene! But no! She stood there proudly like she’s seen the eyes of Medusa! Where is Percy Jackson when you need him most!

Darn!

In a misplaced bath tub scene, Sam quips: "Bakla ka! Binabakla mo ako! Kaloka!" Hmmm, I knew that sounded familiar! That actually took me back to an anonymous message sender warning me (even before I actually saw the film): "“Bakla ka! ako ang magbibigay sayo ng 160 na binayad mo sa Fidel at Pilantik, nagpopcorn ka ba? sige isama mo na yun. pati pamasahe mo! Kaloka ka! Wag mong lalaitin ang pelikula ko... Kukurutin ko ang singit mo gurl!" Sometimes, you just can't take the palengke away from the palengkera!

Micah Munoz does well as shortfused George. He drops his lines effusively and clearly! Ana Abad Santos vies for Tessa Prieto-Valdez's enviable reputation!

Men with prominent love handles should never be allowed to dance in red tights!

Spotlight: The Delusional Anonymous Idiot Who Believes that “His” Pilantik and Fidel Were Masterpieces

Quarterly Awards: Pilantik and Fidel are easily two of the first quarter's WORST FILMS! 3 months over, 9 more months to go!

We are featuring a glorious comment coming from a proudly anonymous critter who I find to be utterly smart and an absolutely sophisticated wordsmith. He/she was just sooo adorable, it made me want to donate money to his brain-challenged world! He wanted to comment, he gets his spotlight! ;->

Here is his/her message:

“bakla ka! ako ang magbibigay sayo ng 160 na binayad mo sa Fidel at Pilantik, nagpopcorn ka ba? sige isama mo na yun. pati pamasahe mo! kaloka ka! wag kang magkamali na laitin ang pelikula ko, at kahit saang sulok ng iskwater na tinitirhan mo, hahanapin kita at kukurutin ko ang singit mo gurl! “

Isn’t he/she charming? ;->

Sorry, honey, I don’t take money from anyone whose idea of good cinema is “Fidel” or “Pilantik”! They’re not even close to what I would consider “passable”! Garbage to me is never passable! It was pleasurable reading your slum-worthy “jologs” statement though. Makes me laugh so hard! Gosh, I thought I’d wake up with a boring day! Whatever planet do you come from where such films are considered “good” should be blown to smithereens!

These are very trying times where just any “idiots with cameras” can make films and call themselves filmmakers!!! And they have people PAY to watch those revolting drivel – the nerve! Hahaha! Unfortunately, your “popcorn money” doesn't suffice to buy you a bigger brain! I’ll donate that to you as my charity for “Morons, Incorporated”!

If you really own either of those craps – “Fidel” or “Pilantik”, Holy Week is upon us! Ipagtika mo ang makasalanang pamumudmod ng napakasangsang na mga pelikulang ito! The economy is bad enough to subject the movie going public to amateur shows under the pretense of an alternative film experience! Alternatively bad, they sure are! Hahaha!

And for your information, our village guards have strict instructions about basureros! Start collecting garbage where you live: get that darn ORIGINAL master copy of those excruciatingly painful to watch “Pilantik” and “Fidel” and incinerate them well! Then take a deep sleep – and wake up when you get a bigger brain! Otherwise, do what sleeping beauty did… and don’t wake up! That’s what’s best for anonymous neuters like you who can't even summon enough "balls" to name himself - neuters with the brain of a tsetse fly!

He/she says: “Wag kang magkamaling laiitin ang pelikula ko”, I did, honey, and proudly so! “Pilantik” is CRAP! “Fidel” is DOUBLE CRAP! Galleria’s IndieSine lives in its own dimension of CRAPS! Good thing this 2010 there are very rare gems like “Last Supper No.3” and to a lesser extent, “Iliw”!

Imagine, the First Quarter of Cinema Year is almost over and there are only TWO good ones? THREE months of HORRIBLE INDIES! And you wonder why more and more people stay away from indies!

Fidel - Chronicles of a Fallen Man

For the first 45 minutes, we were subjected to an endless barrage of question-and-answer - "Did he kill the Arab?"; ""I killed him!" This sentiment was irritatingly repeated ad nauseam until I was almost tempted to throw my Coca Cola at the silver screen. Almost everyone in the movie was given his 10-minute spotlight to grieve for Fidel (Lance Raymundo) - the saint who couldn't swat a fly but who bludgeoned an Arab (Jon Hall) to death. Every written character contributed to an annoyingly amateurish work that once again underscored why the digital wave isn't such a good thing.

Of course we already know 10 minutes into the movie that Fidel was raped, but whatever urgency that this brings to the narrative is diluted by the over-the-hill performances and too many scenes that didn't deserve to be mounted on screen. As the movie comes to an end, what was meant as an explosive scene - where Von Arroyo goes ballistic from out of the blue - only highlighted the glaring hilarious excesses of a storyteller who's tentative of where his story was headed!

Heto pa: The morons (who represented the government) mouthed diplomatic jargons - and i was reduced to fits of laughter. Honey, the international community does NOT care about Filipinos in Dubai death row. CNN pa?

And if you haven't noticed, Fidel actually killed his Arab employer to avenge his "deflowering" - not as a means of self defense! He acted on impulse way after the alleged crime of "rape" was committed. In fact, he was already released from his "bondage" when he suddenly attacked his employer! THAT, my dear, is not just manslaughter but MURDER!

In Fidel's case, there is the intent to do injury, the willful disregard for life; a state of mind referred to as malice aforethought!

Fidel deserves to rot in jail because he placed the law into his own hands! The death of the Arab didn't happen during Fidel's struggle to defend himself!

Hay naku!

Wasted effort!

Singing himself to sleep - in prison.