Worst Films of 2010

It's been an economically difficult year for the Filipinos, but we constantly turn to the movies to somehow forget, but for a few hours, each of our strife. Movie watching used to be the Pinoy's cheapest form of entertainment, but that trend has changed. Are we even surprised a big percentage has turned to patronizing movie piracy? We do not condone this behavior. In fact, we get to watch most of these local movies in cinemas.

A movie ticket these days costs P150-180, depending on where you watch. This isn't a "cheap" hobby since money doesn't grow on trees. The money we spend on our films are borne out of hard work. Thus when we are served thoughtless, elementary flicks, we deem it a personal affront against our finances, not to mention sanity. If we're given something rotten for our money, we will rightfully declare it rotten. This is, after all, consumer rights!

We initially thought of doing away with our list of worst films and performances to start 2011 on a more positive note, but we realized this isn't fair! We have slaved over so much garbage last year that we feel we deserve to be able to list down the flicks that challenged our stamina, and absolutely wasted our time and money! From the 73 local flicks shown commercially (from January 1 to December 31, 2010), we found it easy to fill a Top 30 list. The state of the Philippine Movies is that bad! But for the sake of brevity, we have to narrow it down to a Top 10.

We would have easily included Crisaldo Pablo's "Mga Pinakamahabang One Night Stand 2" - which is "beyond awful" - but that film was basically a student project that amazingly found its way in commercial cinemas, thus our decision to exclude it from the list. Make no mistake, Crisaldo Pablo's trilogy of mediocrity could easily take the "crown" had it not been borne out of the director's conceit to field something that belongs in the hidden film archives of an exceedingly bad film school.

Here is 2010's Worst Movies: (in random order)

1. Pilantik (Argel Joseph)

An abused child turns into cross-dressing serial killer who attacks couples at the throes of orgasm. See Jao Mapa give Mon Confiado lip service.

2. Sanib 2 - 666 (Celso Ad. Castillo)

Possession and producer Honey Blanca's cleavage and high heels populate this abomination about a homecoming that goes awry. Jacklyn Jose gets badly dubbed. Didn't we advocate its lead star getting sent to Zambia? Or was it Zimbabwe?

3. D' Survivors (Adolf Alix, Jr.)

With so much eye candies populating this movie, the director forgot to tell a worthy story. There was humor somewhere, but we're supposed to excavate it from under the sands.

4. Tsardyer (Siegfried Barros Sanchez)

A myopic take on Ces Drillon's kidnapping saga, this elementary effort takes the cake on how to make music videos, errr...

See veteran actors like Neil Ryan Sese, Dimples Romana, Shamaine Centenera in the worst performances of their career. Listen to some of the most execrable songs ever played on the big screen while the bad guys accentuate "dagger looks" in their most livid glory!

5. Fidel (Mark Shandii Bacolod)

Considered as a "landmark film" by its own director, "Fidel" is lost in Bacolod's cloud of narcissism. In fact, in his 2nd flick "Ben & Sam" (shown 2 months after "Fidel" opened in theaters), he specifically used "Fidel" a representative of a superior film that champions the "troot". See Jon Hall as an arab who sodomized Lance Raymundo. See Andrea del Rosario pretend to be a concerned journalist. See Ma. Isabel Lopez cry her crocodile tears for the muted Fidel. See Snooky Serna as Snooky Serna!

6. Mahilig (Nico Salvador)

Gen. Caisip and Asec Rommel Garcia make stony anti-drug cameos in a film that weaves the stories of a drug addicted wife (Thea Alvarez she gets to shower several times, and shag her hubby Mon Lacsamana before they part ways) and an obedient son (Carlo Aquino, who gets lured into vices by Onemig Bondoc.) As we've said it before, it's one thing to advocate anti-drug sentiments, but when you're endorsing it within a salacious softcore film, any assumptions of good intent is lost!

7. SpEd Hearts (Felbert Go)

A somnabulist's delight, Ciara Sotto, who plays a Special Ed teacher, looks dazed all through out the film - whether she's arguing with her father or teaching in front of her wards. Her best scene? She turns her back from the audience as the credits start rolling. Meanwhile, Chamyto Aguedan's 6 children were shocked to find their father to be a flaming flower! No wonder the kids need "specialized education".

8. Santuaryo (Monti Parungao)

Shipwrecked on an island, albeit with a functional boat (carrying survival items like porn magazines), able bodied boys frolic in skimpy briefs in search of a treasure that turned out to be - whaddayaknow! - a nature park! Hear a smart boy asking his friend about a "blowjob" - "sinong top? sinong bottom?" Huh? See a paraplegic magically walk - for the sake of love! Wheee...

9. Pagnanasa (Fellyx Honeyfield)

Marco Morales snags Charles Delgado into his slimy web of libidinous lifestyle, but why can't he get it "up" when with him? "Lukso ng dugo" plays out ridiculously in this tale of brotherly love - in Pink Film fashion!

10. Ang Babae Sa Sementeryo (Neal Tan)

Neal Tan takes the tale of an itinerant soul and deconstructs it into this pseudo-social commentary that occurs in a cemetery being used as a prostitution den. Meanwhile, a new chief of police is investigating a series of murders around town. Then there are flickering images of ghosts, a flesh-eating child with telepathic powers, a bumbling duo of videographers and Tommy Abuel doing a Shakespeare soliloquy! I've always thought of Neal Tan as a desultory story teller, but he was never this narratively muddled!

Spotlight: The Delusional Anonymous Idiot Who Believes that “His” Pilantik and Fidel Were Masterpieces

Quarterly Awards: Pilantik and Fidel are easily two of the first quarter's WORST FILMS! 3 months over, 9 more months to go!

We are featuring a glorious comment coming from a proudly anonymous critter who I find to be utterly smart and an absolutely sophisticated wordsmith. He/she was just sooo adorable, it made me want to donate money to his brain-challenged world! He wanted to comment, he gets his spotlight! ;->

Here is his/her message:

“bakla ka! ako ang magbibigay sayo ng 160 na binayad mo sa Fidel at Pilantik, nagpopcorn ka ba? sige isama mo na yun. pati pamasahe mo! kaloka ka! wag kang magkamali na laitin ang pelikula ko, at kahit saang sulok ng iskwater na tinitirhan mo, hahanapin kita at kukurutin ko ang singit mo gurl! “

Isn’t he/she charming? ;->

Sorry, honey, I don’t take money from anyone whose idea of good cinema is “Fidel” or “Pilantik”! They’re not even close to what I would consider “passable”! Garbage to me is never passable! It was pleasurable reading your slum-worthy “jologs” statement though. Makes me laugh so hard! Gosh, I thought I’d wake up with a boring day! Whatever planet do you come from where such films are considered “good” should be blown to smithereens!

These are very trying times where just any “idiots with cameras” can make films and call themselves filmmakers!!! And they have people PAY to watch those revolting drivel – the nerve! Hahaha! Unfortunately, your “popcorn money” doesn't suffice to buy you a bigger brain! I’ll donate that to you as my charity for “Morons, Incorporated”!

If you really own either of those craps – “Fidel” or “Pilantik”, Holy Week is upon us! Ipagtika mo ang makasalanang pamumudmod ng napakasangsang na mga pelikulang ito! The economy is bad enough to subject the movie going public to amateur shows under the pretense of an alternative film experience! Alternatively bad, they sure are! Hahaha!

And for your information, our village guards have strict instructions about basureros! Start collecting garbage where you live: get that darn ORIGINAL master copy of those excruciatingly painful to watch “Pilantik” and “Fidel” and incinerate them well! Then take a deep sleep – and wake up when you get a bigger brain! Otherwise, do what sleeping beauty did… and don’t wake up! That’s what’s best for anonymous neuters like you who can't even summon enough "balls" to name himself - neuters with the brain of a tsetse fly!

He/she says: “Wag kang magkamaling laiitin ang pelikula ko”, I did, honey, and proudly so! “Pilantik” is CRAP! “Fidel” is DOUBLE CRAP! Galleria’s IndieSine lives in its own dimension of CRAPS! Good thing this 2010 there are very rare gems like “Last Supper No.3” and to a lesser extent, “Iliw”!

Imagine, the First Quarter of Cinema Year is almost over and there are only TWO good ones? THREE months of HORRIBLE INDIES! And you wonder why more and more people stay away from indies!

Derivative Slasher Flick in Logic-Challenged "Pilantik"

Argel Joseph used to do a lot of tv dramas back when I was a child, but with the untimely death of advice guru Helen Vela, Director Joseph took a protracted sabatical!

And it seems he must have overdosed on a lot of slasher flicks during his hibernation that eventually resulted in a derivative flick that's "Pilantik". I wanted to write a haiku about the pervading mediocrity that's become synonymous with Filipino Indie Films, but I realized I'd rather reserve that for when I get more inspiration. Because after all, this film deserves my rant for being horrible. This deserves the wrath of the demigoddesses for wasting my dad's hard-earned cash just so I can watch another trash disguised as an indie cinema.

Spoilers ahead!

Ysmael (Mon Confiado) is a transvestite who turns into an irresolute avenging marauder by night. He carries around an axe and hunts for copulating lovers, then bludgeons them to their death. He then chops off an arm and keeps them at his fridge! Flashbacks show him as a physically abused child whose effete demeanor provoked his stepdad (Pen Medina) and stepbrother to macerate his right fingers, thereby getting rid of his "pilantik" (light feminine flick of the fingers). Meanwhile, his emotionally inferior mother (Ma. Isabel Lopez) is shackled in her room. During a violent altercation, young Ysmael gets hold of the axe, killing his evil stepdad and evil stepbro!

Fast forward to the present! We see Ysmael cooking for his family, until we realize later that the people sitting at the dinner table are rotting corpses. Meanwhile, authorities are in a bind over a recent spate of serial killings. Is it the benz-driving Ysmael? Apparently, it is - coz we see him gallivanting in the night, hacking lovers in a state of pre-orgasm (first one to go is eye candy Jeff Luna).

From out of the blue, we get an entirely different string of characters introduced into Ysmael's life who, it seems is an upright member of the community. (He operates a beauty salon. We also see him comfort a perturbed friend Frida - Kuya Germ's counterpointer Shalala who was funny but misplaced in a dramatic action-thriller!)

While Ysmael and Frida were on their way out of a bar, they met Alfred (Kris Martinez) and his friends. They've apparently heard of Ysmael's riches. So they invite themselves for a rendezvous at Ysmael's crumbling home, setting themselves up for what would become the ultimate gorefest! Just about this time, I have already taken a 2 minute nap, regurgitated my lunch out of predictable tedium and dismay, and narrated to my friend Kyle (who loves his gay Galleria flicks) how the movie was going to end - right down to the letter!

Not only is the storyteller confused, he is also helplessly unimaginative - with scene after scene wallowing with predictability! Mon Confiado performs as though this were his very last movie project. He has to remember that less is more! Watching Confiado as Ysmael was painful. It always does when you see someone pretending to be gay! It reminds me of Jao Mapa in Joel Lamangan's "I Love Dreamguyz". Kyle and I were squirming in our seats.

And here is my uber-question - why was Ysmael targetting copulating lovers - unless its Joseph's homage to all those slasher flicks that irreverently kill off horny lovers everytime? You'd think they would illuminate on this salient point in one of their numerous flashbacks, but oh no, they conveniently forgot! I bet so they could show perky nipples flopping about. That's a valid reason, isn't it? ;->

At some point, I overheard a moviegoer ask, "So there are two serial killers?" Exactly, honey! In this film, there were 3 sets of dingbats running around with half a brain - Ysmael, the gay-baiting lotharios, and the filmmakers selling crap to gullible moviegoers who continuously patronize dregs such as this one!

Jao Mapa as Kevin becomes last victim. (Why he would forcefully sodomize a reluctant tranny before he robs off him is beyond me- unless he was really gay in the film, which he obviously wasn't?) Kris Martinez (right) as gay-baiting Alfred who eventually gets his lovely head dismembered!