Mac Alejandre's Just One Summer - Unbearable Cluelessness

The world is Nyel Cuaresma’s (Elmo Magalona) oyster. He is a happy-go-lucky young man with a bright future ahead of him. Right off high school, Nyel is flying to the US to pursue his medical education. His mother Irene (Alice Dixson), a successful physician, is equally thrilled. But there’s a caveat to his hilarity. Nyel needs the written consent of his estranged father Dan (Joel Torre). And the latter has one condition: that Nyel spends his summer in his father's farm. Nyel huffs and puffs. He hates his father, and hasn’t seen him for several years. But he also realizes there’s no getting around this predicament. You’re a young man with clarity of vision, his mother proudly says about him.

At the farm, he begrudgingly reacquaints himself with his father who’s only too thrilled to have him home. He reckons he doesn’t need to be nice to him. It's his mere presence that his father requires, not good manners. That wasn't part of the deal. Dan manages a progressive dairy and agricultural farm alongside his new partner Juliet (Cherry Pie Picache). Bratty Nyel is mostly dismissive until he meets Beto (Julie Anne San Jose), a farm girl who’s been harboring a long standing crush on Nyel who, on the other hand, would rather not have anything to do with the girl who, on their first day together, vomited on him.

Meanwhile, Beto just came home from her Manila studies. She is burdened by an unpalatable news. She didn’t get the scholarship everyone back home expected. Yet upon her arrival, she gets a celebratory party from her father Berting (Buboy Garovillo), Lola Meding (Gloria Romero) and their neighbors. How can she break the bad news to her effusive townsfolk? But there’s a silver lining at the horizon. Senor Dan offers a deal. If she chaperones Nyel until he finds goodness and beauty in this quaint village, Senor Dan would pay for her tuition. While she’s tickled pink with the prospect of seeing Nyel on a daily basis, Nyel isn’t too fond of her. What’s a girl to do? Will Nyel ever comprehend the complicated truth about his parents who are finally getting an annulment? More importantly, would he allow Beto in his provincial sojourn? Guess.

Watching a Mac Alejandro film is like starting a day knowing you're getting your root canal later. There's no going around it: it will be excruciating. Now where do I start? So help me God...

Alejandre's main crutch is predictability, but that isn't what's painful. What drives me crazy is the incongruence of his characters to the scenes that he conjures. Let's take Elmo's character Nyel who is bratty and willful. He is also clearly ambitious because he would rather study Medicine in the United States while other Fil-Ams prefer coming home for this. Do we see him reflective, sedate, studious or considerate? We should expect such characteristics from someone like him, right? Not a chance! Alejandre instead shows him party-hopping, hanging around bars with his ditzy friends. Moreover, he's mostly rude to other people and even dismissive to his girls. Very doctorly, debah? In Tagalog, "hindi naaangkop" and "hindi tumutugma", kuya! Try being a "lawyer" kaya, kuya?

Meanwhile, we are made to believe that Nyel's father Dan, played by Joel Torre, is a doting parent; the affectionate patriarch of a broken family. Yet since his separation from his son, it seems he has never visited his son even once though it's clear that Nyel is just a car-ride away. If you're the caring father, would you never show yourself to your son just because you're at loggerheads with his mother? Can't you visit your son even once to show that you care? Heck, there was no reason for him to stay away for good since he seems to harbor an amicable, albeit civilized relationship with his ex-wife. Baka busy milking the cows? Yet in one scene, we find him accusing his former wife of allowing their son to think badly of him. Kapal yata ni kuya, debah? He didn't bother showing up for years yet he desires to be perceived as the loving parent. Now isn't this hilarious? Alejandre seems to be quite adept making unintentional comedies.

SOLUTION FOR ECONOMIC RECESSION

As for its romantic quotient, we never quite believed that Nyel actually felt anything amorous for the "farm girl" other than pity. After all, she had to complete 360 bottles (or thereabouts) of manual milk harvest to earn the amount equivalent for her tuition fee. And if it's all that easy to earn that much in Milkland, then every student wanting of tuition money should troop down to Senor Dan's milk farm. That way, every Filipino can go to school by merely milking cows! Furthermore, I gladly nominate Senor Dan as the new Secretary of Education, Culture and Sports. He could probably solve the dipping literacy rate of the country better than Mrs. Cynthia Villar and her foundation. Milk for Education! Milk for Unemployment! Milk for the Filipino Diapora! Milk for the Abu Sayyaf! Milk for GA Villafuerte and Crisaldo Pablo! Oppps, theirs are a different variety of milk. :) I should probably milk cows too that way I don't have to pay for such inane cinematic fare, debah?

In one scene, Nyel tells Beto: "Sana ako na lang ang Isko mo at ikaw na lang ang Iska ko," in reference to a farm cow shown only once. The scene wasn't even endearing or humorous - Nyel was wearing a red shirt, then Beto warned Nyel that the pesky animal might come after him. That was all there is about Isko, the bored carabao. They didn't exactly have any emotional connection because the scene was abruptly edited. And more importantly, there was no Iska to begin with! Why then would Nyel reference their budding romance to an "Isko and Iska" when Iska is but a figment of Alejandre's imagination? Scenes in this film desperately scrape the bottom. Isn't it sad?

In another scene, to show Joel Torre's affectionate relationship with Cherry Pie Picache, the two middle aged lovers are shown flirting in front of everyone. When Cherry Pie reminds Joel to moderate his drinking, the latter replies with "Makikita mo mamaya, baka ikaw ang susuko!" - in front of every one, including Elmo. Ewww! Are provincianos really this crass or vulgar? Aren't they more discrete with their affairs? More importantly, how insensitive can a father be, canoodling in public with his "mistress" (he's still married, if you forgot) while his son looks on?

When Alice Dixson, playing Nyel's mother and Joel Torre's common law wife, comes to visit, Cherry Pie prepares a velvety satin sheet on Alice's bed, then quips, "Paborito n'ya yan." How does she know this? Sure, they might have been childhood schoolmates, but they were never friends. In fact, when Cherry Pie was introduced to Alice, pouty Dixson hardly remembered her. Where did Cherry Pie get the idea regarding Alice's favorite sheets? Maybe she has this enviable 6th sense? Or 3rd eye? Maybe she stalked lovely Alice in her younger years?

Alejandre, boundlessly clueless as a scriptwriter, piles up his discordant narrative strains in "Just One Summer" as though he's never done a movie before! So you do wonder why GMA Films keeps getting his services. This guy simply marvels at being vacuous. Result? "Just One Summer" came and went with a mere two-day commercial screening in most cinemas from Aparri to Jolo. This is a curiosity because Elmo and Julie Ann's loveteam is said to have a considerable following. Where have the fans gone? Did they summarily suffer from diarrhea, erupting pimples, excruciating menstruation, borborygmus, hemorrhoids or maybe toothache on its first two days of screening, thus weren't able to patronize the first cinematic outing of their "idols"? While most Star Cinema films earn P100-million peso earnings within a week, this Mac Alejandre film stalls and bombs at a measly P6 million peso for its entire theatrical run! Heck, that can't adequately feed the hungry Tasadays, the Bagobos and Hayden Kho, can it?
  

Dan (Joel Torre) welcomes his son Nyel (Elmo Magalona) while Juliet (Cherry Pie Picache) looks on.

The performances leave much to be desired. While Julie Anne San Jose works hard, albeit with uneven results, Elmo Magalona's perfunctorized turn is shallow and absolutely wanting of insight. It makes you wonder how these two go through the motion like well-oiled robots. Then you realize that Ana Feleo, Laurice Guillen's other daughter, is prominently billed as their acting coach. What gives? Who made Feleo the thespian that she isn't? Anyone saw her play David Archuleta's droll road manager in the execrable teleserye "Nandito Ako" (directed, of course, by Alejandre)? I could go on and on about that series from its opening scenes to those gag-inducing flashbacks. Il est horrible, monsieur! Feleo, in her musical theater world, is notorious for being a ham actress. In fact, in one of her plays ("Spoliarium"), there were hushed talks that even her own voice teacher (Fides Cuyugan-Asencio of "Aparisyon") - who was part of the musical - wanted her out of the play because Feleo was incapable of churning out real emotions. She personified "blandness". Yet here she is coaching Elmo and Julie Anne; teaching novices what she herself is incapable of doing!. Isn't this a matter of "the blind leading the blind"? Or just maybe I missed something: maybe this was actually an experimental flick or a thesis film. Goodness gracious!

GRADE B RATING

What's staggering to note? This cinematic vomitus actually got a Grade B from the nincompoops of the Cinema Evaluations Board (CEB). Time and again, the people from CEB keep validating the running gag that it's a government agency filled with either idiots or opportunists. Cinema Evaluations Bobo'ard, anyone? Do you wonder why? This government arm is supposed to help create a standard for quality films yet we get to hear films like this - not to mention "Pak Pak My Dr. Kwak" - as an epitome of excellence.

It is then such a hilarious experience watching TV5's "Artista Academy". Whenever Mac Alejandre shows up on screen, he would insist that he requires more "depth" from his wards' performances, I get goosebumps listening to him speak. He talks as though he knows what he's doing, yet cursory assessment of his body of work reveals otherwise. How can anyone as artistically scanty as Alejandre even assume that he could coax depth from others when he himself is wanting? Maybe Alejandre can benefit by enrolling in some Scriptwriting Class? On second thought, mediocrity and poor taste are irremediable concerns so why bother?

Juliet tells Nyel: "We only have two-day screenings nationwide."

A party for the non-scholar. Talk about building up a character to your audience.  :)

Father and lola learn of her secret.

Idyllic setting makes a case for "beauty with no substance".

Excited to vomit, Beto couldn't contain herself.

Mother and son find out something.

Tarima - When Gay Fantasy Inspires Emesis

If you've read all the blurbs of praise enumerated from the poster of Neal Tan's "Tarima", you would think a new masterpiece is upon us:

Former GSIS General Manager Cesar Sarino refers to it as "subtle and done in good taste"; UP Film Institute's Nonoy Lauzon rapturously declares "Major major gay movie of the year. Mapapamangha ang marami pang makakapanood" (How eloquent, right?); Hairdresser Henri Calayag pours out his emotions: "Words cannot express, but I simply love you, kapatid!" The nobility of the elementary school teacher is even on spotlight as a Charlie Vergara is made to comment: "I will give a 10 for Fanny's superb and unquestionable performance. The film is a modern-classic gay movie." Even the Chairman of a Local Water Utilities Administration Prospero Pichay is made to comment: "It's one of the best Filipino movies I've ever seen!" (Ever huh! Which begs the question, how many Tagalog films has he seen THIS YEAR alone? Let's not even stretch it by counting the number within his lifetime.) He further adds: "The acting and direction were superb," as though he actually knew what he was talking about."

So, I sauntered inside the Galleria cinema with my chips and soda, and settled at my seat ready to get blown away by this masterpiece called "Tarima".

The "tarima" that I know refers to a platform; a "stage", if you will, and for the most part, the narrative sits on a bedstead of stagey narrative.

Over delicately photographed canvas, the screen sparkles with superior camera work. This is what you would initially notice about the film, which is a far cry from the Best-Cinematography winning "The Leaving". Hmm, I thought this was turning out beautifully so far.

In the movie, Roselo (played by Fanny Serrano) is a hardworking, albeit long suffering gay man who grew up with her contemptible Lola Imang (Gloria Romero) whose penurious vile offer no rhyme nor reason. In one of her hissy fits, she hits young Roselo's right eye with her cane, resulting into blindness, signifying Roselo's deep seated scar of abuse reverberating throughout the film. But having no other family to speak of, Roselo's boundless patience runneth over. He remains devoted to his grandmother.

When his flamboyant friend Gringgo (Chokoleit) is sent to jail for having killed an enraged call boy, Roselo's days start to brighten as he befriends a reclusive inmate named Bryan (the smoldering Rocky Salumbides). Bryan soon turns to Roselo for attention - and for hopeful news about his wife and son who have but abandoned him. One visit after the next, Roselo would regale him with made-up stories about his family. It isn't long before we find Roselo's devotion reciprocated.

"Tarima's" exposition is hobbled by an absence of a cohesive script. The actors are made to spout improvisational lines, rendering the formative stages messy and the lines redundant. Let's take for example Gloria Romero's "witch-lola", in her many acid-laced scenes with every character (Gina Alajar, Fanny Serrano, Rustica Carpio, Chocoleit), she would repeat the words, "walang hiya", "demonyo", "ungas", so many times, the minute you see her on screen, you would know exactly what she would utter! Her venom is repetitive, and you don't quite understand why she turned out that way. To my mind, a character who can't justify the reason of her being is an actor not worth an acting award, as suggested by Lorna Tolentino - unless your criteria for superlative performance is the loudness of her histrionic fits. Romero succeeds with a two-dimensional character worthy of a comic book, not a good movie.

The narrative relies on bursts of ideas, making the story largely unfocused. Why then would there be a campy 5-minute gay beauty contests-cum-vaudevillan show inside the penitentiary? And if to drive our point further, such crowd-pleasing, albeit misplaced scene had to occur twice!

Rocky Salumbides, like we've mentioned before, is objectified as this silent, tall, dark and handsome presence who (did we say) smolders at every scene. Unfortunately, when he finally breaks his silence, all hints of fantasy break into pieces. He is Lauren Novero zombified. We see snaps of his butt, but that doesn't make us ignore the obvious - that he badly needs a great acting coach - fast!

Now let me delve into Fanny Serrano who took Roselo into his heart and soul. There's no denying Serrano's commitment to his character, but when he latches into "kawawa-naman-ako" overtime, it gets cumbersome. There is just so much patience we have for such Cinderella moment that when he finally fights back with a lengthy "Dahil mahal ko kayo!", it felt like he was posturing for some Star Awards moment! He just might win the trophy too because we know the caliber of a Star Awards trophy really (read: popularity contest among people who do not watch Tagalog movies. LOL)

There are several cameos here: Gina Alajar in a belligerently thankless role; Ana Capri as Bryan's bigamous wife; Dan Alvaro as the preso's "mayor" (and Gringgo's cuddler); Director Neal Tan has the uncanny capacity to hire the services of named stars. Unfortunately, he isn't blessed with a brilliant directing acumen and, except for "Ataul For Hire", each of his film works leave much to be desired: "Pasang Krus", "Tiltil", "Barang" (one of the most ridiculous horror films I've ever seen). Lest we forget, he was also a proud exponent of the late 90's exploitation flicks: "Siya'y Nagdadalaga", "Maldita", "Pilya", "Marital Rape", "Tag-Init", "Check-Inn", "Puri", "Kalabit" - the enviable list goes on!

I had high hopes after "Ataul: For Rent" but it became clear it was nothing but a fluke. At least the other Tan (Joven) redeemed himself recently with a searing "Magdamag".

When Bryan finally invites Roselo to share intimacy during the prison's conjugal time, I froze with horror. I knew somehow I needed an anti-emetic. Where's a doctor when you need one?

Rocky Salumbides - smoldering dullness!

Cinematic Recess - Predictability in "Kamoteng Kahoy" Consumption

It's a big suprise how the movies coming out from the Sine Direk project are faring. Except for Soxie Topacio, who I don't exactly remember directing a high profile or critically acclaimed movie from the past, most of the directors in this series are big names - Peque Gallaga and Lore Reyes, Maryo J. de los Reyes, and Joel Lamangan. Mel Chionglo, who last came out with a mediocre exploitation gay movie, was supposed to come up with an interesting film called "Bente" - but Maryo de los Reyes' "Kamoteng Kahoy" was released first! I was expecting a surplus of great cinematic satiety but for some reason, the best of the lot has to come from a relatively "inexperienced" Soxy Topacio - in terms of film output. His "Ded na si Lolo" was an unexpected critical as well as commercial success. In fact, "Ded..." enjoyed a longer shelf life in most of the SM cinemas all over the country than say, Sharon Cuneta's BFF. There's no doubt in my mind that "Ded" was a more successful piece than any other entries from Sine Direk.

Unless, the still to be shown "Bente" turns out great...

The latest to come out from this series is another Gloria Romero starrer called "Kamoteng Kahoy", graded A by the Cinema Evaluations Board (CEB), a really funny set of individuals with the credibility and believability of a bad harvest of peanut.

Lola Idang( or was it Edad), played by the lovely Gloria Romero is a kind hearted ambulant vendor at San Isidro Elementary School. She is such an endearing character that she even gives out her free kamoteng kamoy merienda to half the school's population who doesn't have the money. Unfortunately, after such philatrophic inspiration, the kids started vomiting blood, just minutes after consuming the kamote. Some 75 children were downed by the kamote, and 27 of them eventually died. It was apparent that Lola had accidentally mixed a caustic chemical while she was cooking her "paninda". I was inclined to retitle it - "Na Ded ni Lola". LOL

The aforementioned events set a melodramatic turn of events that involved a lot of pathos, of grief, of annoying wails and hysteria. Who wouldn't if your child died from a mere kamoteng kahoy, right? Unfortunately for its audience, everything falls into some tediously predictable conclusion that seemed to highlight out-of-work actors - Yul Servo, Tofee Calma, Anton Bernardo, et.al.

Nash Aguas is a breath of fresh air. This child actor has always been watchable. Gloria Romero does adequately although the way her character was written (by the venerable Ricky Lee, I was surprised!) could be a little less annoying - a little less mawkish!

It is a curiosity why these Sine Direk works come up with mostly "passable" works, especially if these were supposed to elevate the quality of "Pinoy Cinema". I couldn't help but expect better works from these cinematic greats. More importantly, except for Joel Lamangan, these works have been helmed by semi-retired "master directors" of the 80's and 90's. Could be a contributing factor? Budgetary constraints could be a factor too, but then several indies have succeeded with much less. I can only guess.

"Baka minadali," a friend offered. After all, these works come out every week.

Maybe.

One Two Three Punch from Joel Lamangan

I'll be damned.

After not having posted any blogs here, Joel Lamangan would seem to dominate my pages. First off, there was the passable "When I Met You". Then there's the interesting indie, "Fuschia" which had a compelling narrative but tepid film-making, as well as disappointing bordeline performances from some of the industry's otherwise reliable veterans - Gloria Romero, Robert Arevalo and Eddie Garcia.

The movie itself could probably be divided in three parts - the light comic chapter, the dramatic segment peppered with sob stories, then the concluding action thriller-cum-pseudopolitical commentary, complete with guns and goons that's always seen in 98% of Joel Lamangan movies. As always, there are gun-toting matons riding a jeep, harassing people, kidnapping or mugging a character or two. This ouvre is also a glaring example of the limitations that even veteran performers like the aforementioned stars suffer in the hands of a mediocre script. Arevalo's supposed funny verbal tirades against Eddie Garcia kept falling flat. But it is heartening to see Ms. Romero churn out a charming, albeit spunky performance. She would have made Anita Linda's award-winning "Adora" a lot more engaging since we feel that most of the acclaim in the latter has been overrated. Bad bad me for bad mouthing veterans? Nah, just saying as I see it.

The third Lamangan feature is the homo-fantasy "Heavenly Touch" that's currently cashing in at the Galleria's Cinema 9. Rodel (Paolo Serrano) and Jonard (newcomer Joash Balejado) are disparate souls working together at a massage parlor. Errr, haven't we heard of this story before? Oh yes, we have - many many times before - and in better made films. Without batting an eyelash, we'd figure out that they earn a living by providing heavenly touch to tired bodies. Soon thereafter, they fall for each other - and get themselves into big trouble.

In Lamangan's oft-repeated cinematic imaginings, this is where we see bad politicos and corrupt police men who possess hordes of big burly men carrying guns, swatting poor denizens in their way. You guessed it too? Brilliant. Then you can predict the outcome of this story. These same burly contravidas were seemingly transplanted straight from "Fuschia" and even Lamangan's "Walang Kawala (No Way Out)" with Joseph Bitangcol and Polo Ravales. Only, this familiar reincarnation of metropolitan squalor has 3, no, 4 full frontal male genitalia swinging all over the celluloid canvas in wild abandon. Akala ko, anatomy class. Hahahaha.

Marco Morales, who always enjoys an enviable screen presence in floozy and run-of-the-mill "indies" shares his dickie wangwang along with Joash Balejado and a couple more extras where they are seen coming out of showers or getting out of a massage room. Alleluiah! Let the scrotal worshippers come rushing to the cinema. LOL. I wonder Marco Morales he keeps flashing the family jewels even in films where he is a virtual extra. His "Butas" seems to have made a lot of moolah thus he really deserves more lead roles, even in exploitation flicks like Heavenly Touch.

How are the performances? Balejado has the presence of former studs like Daniel Fernando, Julio Diaz, et. al. but he badly needs to learn the craft, and I guess it's not a very acceptable excuse that this is his first starrer. After all, there are intensive acting classes all over. On the other hand, Paolo Serrano comes off a natural - strong presence and movie star persona. There are no awkward moments even in ridiculous scenes where he's supposed to prey after Balejado. Baket? Serrano successfully breaks out from his usual male erotic features. Others in the cast suffer the fate of one-note characters: Irma Adlawan (who i thought has totally shed off her theatrical bad habits in several indie features - "Sa North Diversion Road", "Mga Pusang Gala", "ICU Bed 7", "Still Life") revisits these annoying habits ("Mga Munting Tinig", "Tukso", "Dose").

Lamangan is having a blast. But his "Huling Birhen sa Lupa" days are too far behind him, which is too bad. Then the Metro Manila Film Festival is just around the corner. Oh gawd!