Joel Lamangan's Menor de Edad - A Discordant Tragedy

At 15, Jenica (Meg Imperial) is a pallet of quandaries. She doesn’t do well in school where she doesn't have friends. Her boyfriend Jimboy (Arvic Rivero) is seeing another girl after she gets cold feet and turns away from a sexual dalliance. On the home front, Jen is constantly embarrassed by her mother Edna’s (Ara Mina) relationship with Jaggz (Jaycee Parker), a lesbian security guard, who lives with them. Bemo (Jim Pebanco), a bothersome neighbor, dogs her around while street thugs (Mico Aytona, et.al.) plague her with innuendos. Her anxieties push her way into a hiphopping girl gang called Sosy who empower themselves with a lot of attitude, vandalizing innocent civilians at every turn.  Ariel Basco (Wendell Ramos), Jen’s Pilipino teacher, provides succor in her miserable existence.

Meanwhile, Ariel is his school’s Most Outstanding Teacher. Students flock to him and his fellow teachers (Jef Gaitan) are drawn to his benevolent demeanor; this despite being relatively new in the institution. He even offers free tutorial sessions with students who need help – like Jenica! But Ariel skirts from a tenebrous past. In a previous school where he taught, he barely got off a sexual harassment case filed by a student. What’s worse, Ariel couldn't shake off his penchant for gambling. In fact, their household finances are a shamble, what with his wife Layda’s (Almira Muhlach) pregnancy and “illness”.

One day, Jen comes home distraught, claiming she was molested by her favorite teacher, Mr. Basco. Is Ariel’s past finally catching up with him?

Joel Lamangan’s “Menor de Edad” reeks with a heavy handed exposition and an exasperatingly obstreperous plotting. Like most of Lamangan’s ouvre, social ilks are brandished without heed for narrative restraint. What transpires is a story that feels inordinately overdone, you end up throwing away any form of empathy that the film builds early on. How do you relate to a miserable girl who rebuffs the sexual advances of a boy he loves, yet she throws herself to her sympathetic teacher? Then she accuses and takes to court the only soul who’s ever given attention and understanding?

Moreover, why would you commiserate with an individual like Ariel who throws away his salary to chance? He navigates the dark alleys of his neighborhood as though he isn't a respected high school teacher, comes home late to a sleeping wife, reports to class wrapped with tattoos and bruises? So much for building a character, right? While Wendell Ramos isn't a lamentable actor, his performance is as confused as his dubiously written character.

Jenica and boyfriend Jimboy

Meg Imperial, on the other hand, coasts on incongruous direction.  She never quite got the grasp of the material though she wasn’t awkward in it. The culprit could be the dated writing of Raquel Villavicencio whose treatment of her protagonist is that of an ungrateful daughter. You see, Jenica’s mother Edna was not the nagging kind; Jen was neither physically abused, and her lesbian “stepparent” seemed to care for her. Other than cloaked in the mediocrity of poverty, why all the worthless angst of a seemingly lost teener? She’s not the only one who hasn’t come to know of her biological father who, as events unraveled, was the sniveling, whimpering, spine-tingling, and more importantly, stalking neighbor Bemo, played by Jim Pebanco. Like most of his previous performances, Pebanco disgracefully depicts his character with stagey flourish. In all of Pebanco’s years in the business (he was in Bernal’s “Himala”, for crying out loud), he is yet to learn how to relax his thespic muscle (Cinemalaya Best Supporting Actor trophy not withstanding). Heavens help DJ Durano (wink wink) for we see a pattern in their situation!

The nail in the coffin for this messy tripe is a quasi-journalist named Nancy Molina, played by Chynna Ortaleza. Molina editorializes her report when they should be delivered objectively, making her segments contentious at best. Or do we have to lecture about journalism? She gropes for words, a dastardly performance for one whose supposed to be a veteran tele-journalist; kinda like a Ricky Lo without his netherworld accent. Take note that in more than three of Molina’s episodes, she only covers a single set of subjects, a charmless gang of publicity hungry girls called Sosy. Metro Manila, with its population of 12 million, is bereft of more interesting subjects that a journalist would linger on a single group of personality for one whole month? Go figure. Ortaleza desperately ought to practice her reportorial spiels to be decently believable.

In one scene, Reporter Molina sees Jenica with the Sosy Gang. “Bago siya?" She asked, yet two interviews ago, Jenica was already seen with the group. How can one journalist not notice this? They’re supposed to be a very observant lot! Or just maybe she probably suffers from Attention-Deficit Disorder? At any rate, this doesn't make her a competent media practitioner, does it? From out of the baffling blue, Molina quipped, “Iba na s’ya ano? Astig na!” Huh? Didn't she just say Jen was a newbie? Ano ba talaga, ate? Then like ray of sunshine, a bulb flickers and she suddenly associates Jen with the case of the revered high school teacher who allegedly sexually assaulted his student. How convenient.

Jaycee Parker & Chynna Ortaleza

There are more bewildering strains in this flick. Here’s a girl who got gang raped by her neighbors. What do we expect from her? Stay at home and recuperate from her genital abrasions and crushed self worth, right? She’s instead seen practicing her karate chops with the rest of the girls who looked like they haven’t seen the bathroom in, say, five-hundred-twenty-five-thousand-six-hundred minutes. A message of self empowerment? Go go go, feminists!

During the court proceedings, no one remembered that a medical report (i.e. an internal examination) of the victim is parcel to trying a rape case.

But – did you know that, if you were to follow Reporter Molina’s story, these fierce girls peddle their flesh for cash? What then do we have here? Tough teenage street urchins who immerse in gang wars – and prostitution? Huh? If you've never used “incoherence” and “incongruence” in a sentence before, this is the golden moment for that. Otherwise, you might as well go home, plant camote, grow letsugas in your backyard, braid your labandera’s hair, decapitate a spider; grow bed bugs in your lolo's bed, anything but watch this horrifying tripe. Sanity alert!

Meg Imperial plays Jenica. She'd rather take the only person who has shown her respect, mercy and understanding to prison than get the bedeviled thugs who actually raped her. Now, children, let's do this in unison: "Why?"

Wendell Ramos plays award-winning teacher Ariel Basco. This exemplary person also gambles until he's blue. Err I mean "red"?.  ;->

Sari Lluch Dalena & Keith Sicat's Himala Ngayon - What Makes an Epic

What makes a great movie? More importantly, what constitutes a memorable film?

Sari Lluch Dalena and Keith Sicat’s documentary, “Himala Ngayon” offers a glimpse of what went on behind the making of the iconic Ishmael Bernal film that would have CNN declaring it as the “Best Asia-Pacific Movie of All Time”, outclassing even Akira Kurosawa’s “Seven Samurais”.

It all started at a time of strife when the land was ruled by the repressive Martial Law. Writer Ricky Lee came across a news article about a girl named Belinda Cabra from Mindoro who, in 1966, had visions of the Virgin Mary. Her story provided the incipient idea that eventually became Elsa, an orphan girl from the arid and long suffering village of Cupang, who claims to have seen the Virgin Mary. When Lee peddled his script to film producers, no one would touch it with a ten-foot pole. It was considered “undoable” and just too ambitious. Enter Imee Marcos who, in 1982, spearheaded the Experimental Cinema of the Philippines (ECP) – a brain child of the then-First Lady Imelda Marcos.  Among ECP’s realm was to provide financial assistance to a select number of motion pictures through a film fund. The production company eventually produced some of the country’s best films: Peque Gallaga’s “Oro, Plata, Mata”, Pio de Castro’s “Soltero”, Abbo de la Cruz’s “Misteryo sa Tuwa”, Celso Ad. Castillo’s “Isla” and Ishmael Bernal’s “Himala”.  

Lee considered several names to direct his script: Mike de Leon (with whom he’s done 3 films in the past) and Lino Brocka (who directed his “Jaguar” script). De Leon was, however, in hiatus, and Lee wanted a megman with a different take: “isang sensibilidad na nakaangat nang konti”. Brocka was a down-to-earth realist. Religion, after all, requires faith, a rather abstract concept that’s far removed from realism, but nevertheless permeates the Filipino psyche. For his story, Lee wanted “Himala” tackled with the temperament of the European film masters like Godard, Bergman and Truffaut. Lee, at that time, adored the aforementioned masters. In fact, he managed a shop (“Shop and Lift”) in Greenhills that offered such films. Getting into the production was a different matter as well: Lee was among those thrown in jail for his thoughts against the Marcos dictatorship.

The narrative that Ricky Lee pitched to ECP was a 12-page storyline where “ang bida na assassinate”. Moreover, it included a “stampede” to conclude it. Not very commercial, wasn’t it? While most production outfits balked at the idea, ECP embraced it. But there were more stumbling blocks: Nora Aunor, picked to play Elsa, was embroiled in a legal mess; and Assistant Director Joel Lamangan was in jail. Imee Marcos pulled some strings and called Fabian Ver (then AFP Chief of Staff) for Lamangan’s release. (The latter denied this, saying he was already out of jail when production started. Lamangan would then move on to head crowd control, a salient matter in the production.) “It was my 145^th film,” La Aunor mentioned. That year, she completed commercial films like Arman Reyes’ “Palengke Queen”, Pablo Santiago’s “Annie Sabungera”, Joey Gosiengfiao’s “No Other Love”, Romy Suzara’s “Mga Uod at Rosas”, and Danny Zialcita’s “T-Bird at Ako” pairing her off with erstwhile screen rival Vilma Santos who, that year, was a thespic thunder appearing in box-office dramas like "Relasyon", "Karma", "Haplos" and "Sinasamba Kita".  

Clockwise from top left: Nora Aunor, Ricky Lee, Pen Medina, Ishmael Bernal

The documentary then lurches into the different aspects of the film making.

Location: The story required a place ravaged by drought. It was the story of a cursed town. As anecdote would have it, the Virgin Mary, dressed as a beggar, was turned away by the town’s folk, and the sprawl of the land has since been devoid of rainfall and the bounties of the land. “Si Papa ang location manager ko,” remarked an amused Imee Marcos. The province of Ilocos was then chosen as the setting. It was easier for the production because Marcos could conveniently ask the help of the army to transport people and stuff. Upon reaching Paoay, all they saw was how lush and green the place was, which became a dilemma. Good thing  they found Suba Beach which was blessed with undulating sand dunes and a look that mimicked drought-ravaged lands.

Budget: P2.5 million was initially allocated for “Himala”. This ballooned to P2.7 million during mid-production. In 1982, this was a staggering amount for any film project and had producers, Charo Santos-Concio included, shivering in their pants. Would they be able to complete it? Absolutely – and to the tune of more than P3 million. While this seemed sacrilegious in the context of social ills and poverty for the thousands of dispossessed Pinoys, high art doesn’t conform with a budget, or does it?   

Script: There were constant revisions during the filming. Lee would find himself constantly commuting between Manila and Paoay, enduring 7 to 8 hours of bus ride. “Naguluhan ako,” Lee would complain due to the endless revisions. This also highlights the importance of artistic collaboration and dynamism in film making. Though hailed as brilliant work these days, Lee remembered how the film got mixed reviews from critics: “Though it won 9 out of the 10 awards at the MMFF, they raved everything about it, but the script.” Some would even say, “Wala naming ginawang iba (si Nora) kundi magdidipa,” which is really a succinct way of showing ignorance of the medium. Lee would then offer this: “Maganda lang ang karanasan mo bilang writer kung nahirapan ka.”

There were preeminent moments in the documentary that highlight film logistics and attitude: Actor Pen Medina, who played Pilo, the barrio lothario and boyfriend of Elsa’s confidant Chayong (Laura Centeno), moaned about Ishmael Bernal’s demeanor and gargantuan temper. He pointed out a scene where he was made to roll down a pig sty as he made out with his girlfriend. “It was unnecessary,” he said. Joel Lamangan, who was production manager for crowds, was made to secure pigs to join Medina and actress Laura Centeno for the love-making scene. “Hinihila namin ang bayag ng baboy para mag react kasi gusto ni direk na mag react ang dalawang baboy habang gumulong gulong sa lupa ang mag boyfriend,” recalled Lamangan. Medina also lamented about Bernal’s disposition towards his cast and crew. There was a subclass he could dress down, embarrass, and curse at. In fact, at the height of Bernal’s tantrum, he would throw stuff around, destroying sets in the process. Lamangan fell victim: “Mag reresign na nga sana ako kasi binato ako ng silya.” Bernal would later cajole Lamangan: “I wasn’t mad at you. Ikaw lang ang tinamaan,” which is a funny way of rationalizing an irascible tantrum. Fast forward to the present, Lamangan is known for his volatile deportment.  

The final scene was close to impossible to field. It had a crowd of 3,000 that had to depict pandemonium when Elsa was finally shot. Nora’s spiel would go unrehearsed. "Pakiramdam ko talaga, ako si Elsa," La Aunor said. That scene was going to be one long take: “tinuhog” using 4 cameras all over the place. There wasn't going to be a retake because it would require sets to be reconstructed and the film was already morbidly over-budget at P3.2 million. When the cameras rolled, it was simply a scene of fluid pandemonium and breathtaking proportions. The rest, as they say, is as the cliché goes.

There were behemoth problems during the film making, not the least of which was La Aunor’s accident: Off the set, during one of the cast’s down time, La Aunor joined the cast and crew's drinking spree. Aunor’s assistant was forewarned not to allow a drop of alcohol for the Superstar. “Pag nalasing yan, gustong mag drive.” She got drunk. Drove to the wrong lane and hit a jeep that carried a pregnant woman. Aunor lay unconscious for 45 minutes, her shoes thrown out in mid-air. “Ang Gemini (car), parang accordion,” remembered the Superstar who suffered concussion. “Buti na lang walang nangyari sa buntis na babae at ‘di nag demanda,” recalled Aunor. The pregnant lady was a Noranian. Once again, this is a cautionary tale told without hint of amusement. There are lessons to be learned from such anecdotes.

The documentary has more priceless stories that entertain (like when Bernal had to instruct Aunor to cry with a single drop of tear “sa kaliwang mata”, and they needed a single take because the sun was setting fast; or how Lamangan was able to gather hundreds of physically deformed individuals for the crowd scene given only 8 hours to scour the population of Vigan).

BEAUTIFUL

Nora Aunor was 29 years old when "Himala" came about. I have never thought of her as "beautiful" until I saw the remastered version of the film. "Himala" to me was a film I saw (several times) in my video player, and its grandeur was clearly diminished by the medium. Watching "Himala" on the big screen was an astonishing experience, a new technology brought about by a new age gadget called 35 mm millennium scanner that allows color correction and picture restoration to old film reels, imbuing new life into old images. Nora Aunor, as Elsa, offered this, "Kung kalansay na tayo, ang matitira na lamang ay ang tinatawag na sining (art)". Old films allow us to rediscover what came before us. This restored version showed how truly beautiful Nora Aunor was in her prime. I couldn't take my eyes off her face! When she peeked into her window or glanced at photographer Orly (Spanky Manikan) with the slightest hint of a smile, you understand why mestizos and the prettiest of men were drawn to the magic of La Aunor. It wasn't just fame or fortune or even those legendary eyes, but real beauty. 

PASSING OF TIME

A favorite part of the document was how directors Dalena and Sicat were able to scout some of the extras from the film: a breast feeding mother (the child is now a nurse); a son and a father sitting by the roadside holding a rooster; old ladies; children made to blow air on used condoms. When their scenes were re-enacted and played alongside the original, it created a memorable experiment depicting the passage of time: the son, now wrinkly, sitting alone because his father had long passed away.

Drawing on interviews, alongside archival period footage, conducted with Nora Aunor, Ricky Lee, Imee Marcos, Charo Santos-Concio, Spanky Manikan, Pen Medina, Vangie Labalan, Gigi Duenas, Raquel Villavicencio, a number of the extras and the cast and crew, “Himala Ngayon” reflects on the film making choices of an epoch of great artistry; the mechanics of putting up a behemoth production 30 years ago, and the sumptuous trivias related to the iconic film, creating a time bubble fraught with nostalgia. It also provides a source of inspiration for a slew of film makers who carry on despite the odds. “Himala Ngayon” is a diligent work that’s as informative as it is entertaining.  

The faceless crowd employed no prosthetics. They were physically deformed individuals who braved the location which didn't have shelter to speak of. They were paid an "exploitation rate" of P100. Many of them were housed by the "northern sector" fans of Nora Aunor who opened their doors to help make one of the country's greatest films.

The Mommy Returns - Horrible Creatures

Ruby and William Martirez (Pokwang and Gabby Concepcion) are celebrating their 25^th wedding anniversary with a plush party. While fixing themselves up, Ruby gets fatally electrocuted. She dies instantaneously leaving her three children - Amy (Kiray Celis), Toffi (Gerald Pesalga) and Saf (Jillian Ward) – under William’s care. But the decorous and successful dad harbors a secret that requires urgent action. He has been diagnosed with Prostatic Cancer! And he dreads leaving his children as orphans.

At the wake, William serendipitously meets commercial model Catherine (Ruffa Gutierrez) who’s had a crush on him since she was a little girl. Two weeks after Ruby’s burial, William proposes. Without much fanfare, they get married. The children ardently oppose and show their displeasure by making life a living hell for the amicable madrasta.

Meanwhile, Ruby finds herself at the gates of heaven where she meets Jorga (John Lapus), the caretaker of Purgatory, where Ruby awaits judgment. As fate would have it, Ruby manages to escape Purgatory and goes back to Earth to settle some unfinished business with her family. In fact, she wants to free her family from the clutches of Catherine who, to her, is a repugnant character. She has to be eliminated or her family might suffer.

While patiently trying to win over the children’s good graces, Catherine tries hard but never quite succeeds: she’s eternally running late; buys the wrong stuff at the grocery, finds her culinary specialty peppered with live mice. Everything goes awry and she senses this has something to do with the dead wife whose face is emblazoned all over the house, sneeringly looking down her way. Moreover, she experiences vivid dreams of a hand-to-hand combat against a cantankerous Ruby. What’s a new wife to do?

With the children brazenly denouncing her presence, would she ultimately give up the domestic ruckus? Is William really dying? More importantly, will Ruby ever succeed with her mission to get rid of Catherine? Will Ruby find her way back to the netherworld where San Pedro waits for his pet chicken Manny inadvertently taken along Ruby’s journey?

The story’s gist is impudently derived from the TV series “100 Days to Heaven”, without even mentioning Vic Sotto’s “Pak! Pak! My Doctor Kwak” which had an almost similar theme. But Director Joel Lamangan populates his cinematic palette with the most horrible excuse of human beings. There’s the dying father who’s rushing his matrimonial plunge so someone could take care of his children when he croaks (isn’t deception horrible?) There’s the new stepmother who dubiously agrees to marry her beau less than two weeks after their serendipitous meeting (why was she that desperate to tie the knot?) There’s the greedy in-law (Gloria Diaz as Mabel Diaz Laurel, a society matron who has fallen on hard times) who’s ecstatic over Catherine’s marriage to William as it would allow her to pay off all her accumulating debts (aren’t we the opportunistic in-law?) There are the meanest children who would do everything to embarrass and plague their stepmom with cussed accusations and disparaging remarks. Is this the accurate picture of modern youth? Rude, disrespectful and vicious? When you have kids like these, why would you want to be a mom? I shudder at the thought.

You wouldn’t be too surprised about the children’s demeanor. After all, apples (rotten ones) don’t fall too far from the tree, and their mother Ruby exemplifies the worse of them all. She wasn’t merely distrustful when she was still alive (she was a jeweler). As a wandering ghost, she’s consumed by a blind initiative to wreck havoc on the life of Catherine. Why would she want that on a girl fortuitously named Catherine (wink, wink)? If she really cared about her kids, would she prefer them fatherless as well if indeed William dies from cancer? Or is she clueless about his ailment? Don’t ghosts acquire a little more wisdom after passing over? Sometimes, there are tenets of common sense that aren’t easily overlooked. And overlook these, they did!

But wait. I am not quite done yet. Even Inday, the nanny (Moi Marcampo) is duplicitous; Rodel, the ex-boyfriend (Ervic Vijandre) is a scornful ex-convict. Heck, even Senior San Pedro’s assistant, the effete Jorga (Lapus), is a horned out fag lusting after construction workers. Where do we find decent human beings in this Lamangan macrocosm?

The film concludes with one of cinema's most ridiculously abrupt and petty resolutions. I had to pinch myself to realize that all the problems have been concluded by a horrid gown. ;) In fact, if delivering a gown was all it took to patch a domestic squabble, then we should all deliver gowns to find our happily ever after.

Sapphire, Topaz and Amethyst

Children burst with merriment when they learned that Catherine was leaving the house.

Joel Lamangan, once reviled by critics, hasn’t done a mainstream commercial film in a while so I was (well, not exactly looking forward but) expecting a work that’s middle of the road. After all, the director’s experience should teach him proficiency is some aspects of the film making process. Or has it? “The Mommy Returns” conspicuously underscores Lamangan’s fall into mediocrity and highlights all of his weaknesses. In fact, he has never done a movie this bad, he might as well farm camote on the hills of Alitagtag than do another film of this caliber. 

Pokwang, in her second lead role this year (she opened the film year with "A Mother's Story"), keeps the movie afloat, but doesn’t really transcend anything more than a perfunctory conduct to fulfill a banal character written on “bursts of ideas” (scriptwriter Ricky Lee recently explained on television about Mother Lily’s acumen to mine stories: “She has bursts of ideas that we freely develop into full stories.”) The enthusiastic comedienne once again parades her bevy of circus-styled costumes that puts Cirque du Soleil to shame! I was half expecting a trapeze swinging her way. You know, like a burst of inspiration, debah?

Gabby Concepcion and Ruffa Gutierrez have been around the business for so long. But it’s amazing how they have evolved into hammy performers. Gabby, for example, walks around with episodic emotions. He is dying, yet you never fully understand why you don’t feel the grief. There is no emotional baggage to speak of. Isn't this pertinent since you recently lost your wife? And that you’re dying from prostatic cancer? A scene has him knocking on his effete son Toffi’s room after getting the sad news from his doctor. With shoulders hunched down, Gabby should be almost inconsolable, right? Well, not really. He succeeded to look tired instead. Not grieving. Concepcion seems to live in the past, say circa 1989 when he was doing “Gorio and Tekla” with Maricel Soriano, or “Rosa Mistica” with Snooky Serna. Nothing much has changed. Even his looks has stagnated into delectable youth and unfortunately, bland demeanor.

Gabby Concepcion

Ruffa Gutierrez, on the other hand, can’t seem to drop her beauty queen schtick so she walks around with an imaginary crown on her head - and a throne pasted at her backside. You don’t quite find the character in her. What you feel instead is someone languishing on glory that’s so 1993 (when she won Miss World 2^nd runner-up) – and that’s almost 20 years ago! Moreover, she doesn’t mirror the deportment of a 37 year old lady who has attained character. She wallows in a perceived glorious past. She was a better actress in 1993 when she did Joey Romero’s “Maricris Sioson: Japayuki”. Isn’t this sad? What is so wrong with a clan that has grown around the performing industry yet each member is as bland as the next sibling? Grabeh!

Kiray Celis is a funny presence because she takes her role to heart as Gabby’s obstinate daughter. She’s even funnier when she stands beside Hiro Magalona (who’s playing her suitor and confidant). The humor rests on her straight forward depiction, taking on something comic for dramatic. When Ruffa, as the stepmom, gifts her with a puppy, she shrieks: “Isauli mo na yan…beach!” Of course she meant “bitch”. She repeats to emphasize, “Di ba babaeng aso is beach?” Good heavens. Now let's practice elocution, children: "Beach! Beeeech!" "Bitch! betch" 'Betcha by golly wow"! "Life is a beach, bitch!" Now isn't that fun?

Finally, one of my sources of annoyances is the casting of Moi Marcampo (Piolo Pascual’s ex- girl Friday and former Survivor castaway) as the family’s nanny Inday. Instead of wearing a yaya’s frock, she traipses around with earrings the size of a gong, 3-inch shoes, designer outfit, cringe-worthy backless blouses and a cosmopolitan coif as though she was walking the runway even when merely serving juice. I get the intention that her character is rooting for. Unfortunately Marcampo is so raw and discombobulated where her acting acumen is concerned. Simple sentences are met with consumate distress. She can't even scoff properly. She ultimately ends up looking like a displaced street walker in desperate need of a customer. Whoever gave her this delusion that she should get into films deserves to be tied down the stakes and tickled for 12 straight hours until he pees in his knickers! Marcampo was given lines to accentuate her supposed hip presence, but she stalls in monotone and incomprehension. When she finds a stray chicken in a room, she painfully exhorts: “There’s a big cock in the kitchen!” There should be laughter. Instead, a cold shiver ran down my spine. Something gargantuan hit her in the face. Inexperience. The agonizing kind.     

Ruffa Gutierrez and Pokwang

Kiray Celis' amusing presence. Below are some of her enviable encounter with  the boys.

It's in the attitude: Kiray with Gerald Anderson, Sam Concepcion, Daniel Padilla, Markky Stroem and Inigo Pascual (Papa Piolo's son).

Kiray with Enchong Dee. I'd trade places with Kiray's right hand. Haha. Can I grope the rectus abdominis too? :;) 

Kiray with Aldred Gatchalian.

Hiro Magalona plays Kiray's suitor and confidant.

Moi Marcampo: Clueless! (left)

Ervic Vijandre plays Rodel, Catherine's ex-boyfriend.

Mamarazzi - When Laughter is But A Dismissive Flatus

Prior to a hysterectomy (an operation that removes a diseased uterus) due to a tumor, Violeta Langit (Eugene Domingo) wants to bear a child. But being a hopeless virgin, finding the willing sperm donor becomes an impossible task. Her best friend, barangay captain Mandy (John Lapus) – who’s as gay as every Liza Minelli impersonator – consents to sleep with her. But the deal proved too ghastly to consummate. So, Mandy offers his boytoy forward – the eternally cash-strapped Carlo (played by delectable Diether Ocampo) for the baby-making job. But Carlo instead flies off with a chunk of Violy’s fortunes.

Sixteen years later, Violy is enjoying a thriving business as an encoffineer a la Yojiro Takita’s “Departure” – she prepares deceased people for burial by making them look “beautiful”. Violy is now mother to triplets: Peachy and Strawberry (both played by Andi Eigenmann) and Dingdong (played by AJ Perez). Trouble appears when the children insist on knowing their father's identity! And much like fabricated fantasies, Carlo miraculously returns for his belated apologies, and to correct his past grievances.

As a matter of spicing up the broth, we have side stories about the impossibly effete Mandy fathering a child Greg (Aaron Villaflor) from one night of drunken indiscretion (with Sheree); Andi Eigenmann doing an “Agua Bendita” with the hammy Carl Guevarra; the handsome and belligerent AJ Perez carrying a torch for Carla Abellana (as the aspiring actress Mimi).

"Mamarazzi" is a busy film with too much irrelevant narrative strains, and characters – like Greg and Oscar’s (Aaron Villaflor and Xian Lim) closeted, budding love affair. But then what do we expect from a Joel Lamangan comedy?

Director Lamangan can’t muster anything but tawdry, tasteless caricatures to delineate gay characters outside of his political dramas, and though he may think of them as homage to the 3^rd kind, Lamangan actually does a disservice to the pink community by painting them less human; depicting them as oddball characters. Mere laughing stock! In Lamangan comedies, gay people are reduced to eccentric oddities of society. For someone who’s actually gay like Lamangan, this underscores the extent of his directorial insight – a vision as hollow as a fortune teller’s “bolang kristal”.

Eugene Domingo makes the most of her scenes, but something in the script feels tired. She has always been a reliable comic actress, and her verbal tussle with John Lapus is on perfect show in “Mamarazzi”. We weren't pleased with Lapus in “Here Comes the Bride” but he does a lot better here where he isn’t tasked to portray a straight horny geriatric (which was excruciating to watch). When Lapus and Domingo share the screen, they lighten up the otherwise banal scenes, conjured from the resplendent imagination of (hold your breath) Ricky Lee!

Some punch lines were too tacky, even from Ms. Domingo’s gargantuan talent: “Gusto mo ng kadugo, tawagan ko si Rosa Rosal!” - or - “Puro punebre ang cassette ko sa bahay.” – or “Habang may patay, may pag-asa.” Even her Nora Aunor impersonation (when she finds a returning Diether) were gratingly gag-inducing.

When Diether asks John Lapus for money, the latter replies, “Ano bang tingin mo sa akin, dyowa or ATM?” Diether shots back with, “Di ba pwedeng pagsabayin?” Humirit pa.

When Diether excuses himself for the toilet in mid-foreplay, the latter quips, “Nakakaihi talaga ang beauty ko.”

While conversing with Lapus at a restaurant, she places her order to a waiter, “Ako coffee, s’ya mouthwash!” You see, some of these gags are too hackneyed to be appreciated.

Finally, something has to be said about Carl Guevarra’s horrible performance here. Though it’s doubtful anyone would complain about his screen presence, his vocal delivery belies any promise of an acting future. It isn’t too expensive to enroll him at a speech and elocution class, is it? He needs to modulate his voice and summon an assertive delivery, as he comes off like a 9 year old girl! He was supposed to play the part of a brainy paramour to Andi Eigenmann’s encyclopedic countenance. He was made to spout scientific names of stuff, like roses - down to their taxonomic nomenclature, but he couldn’t even mouth the words coherently. It was painful to watch him. Joel Lamangan, being a seasoned director, was supposed to remedy such explicit inadequacy, but he didn’t. Was he blind? Deaf? Or just plain dense?

“Mamarazzi” educates us on how talented comediennes gradually succumb to mediocrity.

Andi Eigenmann and Carla Abellana

Aaron Villaflor and Xian Lim as the young gay lovers.

Elocute and modulate, Carl!

Carl Guevarra - Better seen than heard!

JC Tiuseco - the perfect kanto boy

And what's with that Globe G-Cash commercial, Ms. Domingo: Shame on you for peddling a TV commercial within a movie! I just spit on artists who abuse the privilege of gracing the silver screen by peddling TV commercials in a movie where people pay hard earned money! Cheap huh!

Mahiya naman kayo! Or are local actors too kapal mukha to understand that the cinema is not a venue to endorse products? Do your own peddling on your television shows where people don't pay anything! Not in a movie where people fork out their hard earned P150 - 180 for a relaxing time at the movies!

Here is a comment from a certain "Zare" on the Hating Kapatid review at Clickthecity.com: (July 21, 2010)

"Sarah Geronimo, the ultimate pawnshop camwhore! i still remember how funny it was when it was done well in Wayne's World... Doesn't work here though. It is horrible. What a cheap way to mock movie audiences. Didnt also like the part where they came dangerously close to making fun of the pain of a poor bereaved family at a funeral. It had intention, but to me it was tasteless..."

http://www.clickthecity.com/movies/?p=8454#disqus_thread

Who farted?

Sagrada Pamilya - Intense and Affecting

When Merle (Snooky Serna) trades her nursing cap for a caregiving job in Italy, she leaves her husband Johnny (Emilio Garcia) and daughter Kat (Lovi Poe) under the watchful care of her mother-in-law Carmen (Gloria Diaz). Little did she realize that her ambitions would soon turn into a Greek tragedy of betrayal. Upon her return, she finds their home abandoned. She eventually catches up with her runaway family, only to find Kat pregnant. What will a mother do? And who is the father?

Lovi Poe returns to the screen after her stirring performance in "Walang Hanggang Paalam" with another tour de force performance as the abused Kat who's torn between keeping her family intact and breaking out from the clutches of domestic abuse. Emilio Garcia as father Johnny, Gloria Diaz as Manang Carmen, Snooky Serna as mother Merle and Felix Roco as the boyfriend make up a powerful cast that simmers with pathos and a riveting experience at the cinema. Joel Lamangan directs. "Sagrada Pamilya" is a must-watch!

One Two Three Punch from Joel Lamangan

I'll be damned.

After not having posted any blogs here, Joel Lamangan would seem to dominate my pages. First off, there was the passable "When I Met You". Then there's the interesting indie, "Fuschia" which had a compelling narrative but tepid film-making, as well as disappointing bordeline performances from some of the industry's otherwise reliable veterans - Gloria Romero, Robert Arevalo and Eddie Garcia.

The movie itself could probably be divided in three parts - the light comic chapter, the dramatic segment peppered with sob stories, then the concluding action thriller-cum-pseudopolitical commentary, complete with guns and goons that's always seen in 98% of Joel Lamangan movies. As always, there are gun-toting matons riding a jeep, harassing people, kidnapping or mugging a character or two. This ouvre is also a glaring example of the limitations that even veteran performers like the aforementioned stars suffer in the hands of a mediocre script. Arevalo's supposed funny verbal tirades against Eddie Garcia kept falling flat. But it is heartening to see Ms. Romero churn out a charming, albeit spunky performance. She would have made Anita Linda's award-winning "Adora" a lot more engaging since we feel that most of the acclaim in the latter has been overrated. Bad bad me for bad mouthing veterans? Nah, just saying as I see it.

The third Lamangan feature is the homo-fantasy "Heavenly Touch" that's currently cashing in at the Galleria's Cinema 9. Rodel (Paolo Serrano) and Jonard (newcomer Joash Balejado) are disparate souls working together at a massage parlor. Errr, haven't we heard of this story before? Oh yes, we have - many many times before - and in better made films. Without batting an eyelash, we'd figure out that they earn a living by providing heavenly touch to tired bodies. Soon thereafter, they fall for each other - and get themselves into big trouble.

In Lamangan's oft-repeated cinematic imaginings, this is where we see bad politicos and corrupt police men who possess hordes of big burly men carrying guns, swatting poor denizens in their way. You guessed it too? Brilliant. Then you can predict the outcome of this story. These same burly contravidas were seemingly transplanted straight from "Fuschia" and even Lamangan's "Walang Kawala (No Way Out)" with Joseph Bitangcol and Polo Ravales. Only, this familiar reincarnation of metropolitan squalor has 3, no, 4 full frontal male genitalia swinging all over the celluloid canvas in wild abandon. Akala ko, anatomy class. Hahahaha.

Marco Morales, who always enjoys an enviable screen presence in floozy and run-of-the-mill "indies" shares his dickie wangwang along with Joash Balejado and a couple more extras where they are seen coming out of showers or getting out of a massage room. Alleluiah! Let the scrotal worshippers come rushing to the cinema. LOL. I wonder Marco Morales he keeps flashing the family jewels even in films where he is a virtual extra. His "Butas" seems to have made a lot of moolah thus he really deserves more lead roles, even in exploitation flicks like Heavenly Touch.

How are the performances? Balejado has the presence of former studs like Daniel Fernando, Julio Diaz, et. al. but he badly needs to learn the craft, and I guess it's not a very acceptable excuse that this is his first starrer. After all, there are intensive acting classes all over. On the other hand, Paolo Serrano comes off a natural - strong presence and movie star persona. There are no awkward moments even in ridiculous scenes where he's supposed to prey after Balejado. Baket? Serrano successfully breaks out from his usual male erotic features. Others in the cast suffer the fate of one-note characters: Irma Adlawan (who i thought has totally shed off her theatrical bad habits in several indie features - "Sa North Diversion Road", "Mga Pusang Gala", "ICU Bed 7", "Still Life") revisits these annoying habits ("Mga Munting Tinig", "Tukso", "Dose").

Lamangan is having a blast. But his "Huling Birhen sa Lupa" days are too far behind him, which is too bad. Then the Metro Manila Film Festival is just around the corner. Oh gawd!

Movie Review: When I Met U

Jenny (KC Concepcion) and Benjie (Richard Gutierrez) are two peas in a pod. They are kindred souls who live their seemingly joyful existence through the whims of their controlling and manipulative partners (Alfred Vargas and Iya Villania, respectively). One fateful day, they find themselves spending an overnighter, marooned on a deserted island after their plane encountered mechanical trouble en route to a common friend’s wedding ceremony in Coron, Palawan. After an infuriatingly cheesy cat-and-mouse flirtation amidst lush mangroves and giant lizard, they realize an unmistakable chemistry together.

Once back in civilization, reality sets in. Hooking up as fast friends, they also realize that keeping their current relationships may prove beneficial to both their immediate families as well. But we all know that loving hearts are stubborn, and true love, as the song goes, always finds a way, doesn’t it? Well, at least, in romantic comedies, they do. And this Joel Lamangan-directed starrer is no exception.

The first time I heard that Joel Lamangan was finally chosen to helm this pre-Valentine offering, I was disappointed. I am not such a fan of Mr. Lamangan. His body of work never impressed me, except for a few (Huling Birhen sa Lupa, Deathrow and Pusong Mamon) and I don’t expect “When I Met U” to be among those. KC deserves a better fare than her first movie.

Lamangan’s strong point comes to the fore in that he knows how to somehow please a crowd (Maricel Soriano’s “Bahay Kubo”, Regal's "Mano Po" series) – but not the critically-discerning crowd though. Character development is not among Lamangan’s gifts. This is obvious in “When I Met U”. In fact, the unevenness in the individual narratives between Jenny and Benjie tilts towards Richard’s character. You get to learn the intrinsic mechanics of Benjie’s character through his dysfunctional family: a not-so-easy domestic life of a struggling pilot, an opportunistic father (Tonton Gutierrez) who would rather sell his son’s soul to the devil over the fast buck, etc.

Having said that, Richard’s character Benjie is easily a sympathetic one, and by stroke of luck, Gutierrez comes off with his most believable performance in his entire “leading man” career! We have always been vocal about our indifference to Richard Gutierrez. He was always the “beautiful leading man”, but nary a hint of brilliance. This I believe is somehow because Gutierrez was always “fortunate” enough to be given roles that were always “too big” for his shoes. After all, sometimes greatness isn’t made in a day! In this movie, Richard – like Angel Locsin in “Love Me Again” – takes his artistic steps a notch higher, and I am glad! His mother studio (GMA) has finally given him something that doesn’t overwhelm him, thereby giving him enough space to let his character evolve at his own pace.

Which leaves us with KC Concepcion!

The first 20 minutes of the movie was nagging my patience. KC plays Jenny - a “mall promodizer” (is there really such a term?) who comes off a little too loud and flirty, crass and awkward, and for several instances, more infuriating than endearing or humorous. But as Jenny’s story unravels, we begin to see her in various levels of intensity. This beautiful face is an experimental actress, something that her dear mother Sharon Cuneta would have benefited from had the latter not been too sheltered by Viva Films back in the days. KC does not mind trying new techniques even if in the process, she would look ridiculous (the Hotdog scene), overzealous (the bayawak scene where instead of running away from fright, she waddles in the mud), or downright desperate (the airport scene where she bawls her heart out as her bridal train floats poetically in mid-air). KC is indeed her parent’s daughter – a natural! Had she been banal or flat, she would still look lovely on celluloid. But we have to underline the fact that KC is most effective in her quiet moments; when she weeps without saying much. She must have learned from her mom’s experience in “Madrasta”.

Now, how is “When I Met U” as a cinematic offering? Is it a masterpiece? Surely, it is not! And no one expects it to be. This is made without a grand ambition to be both epic and romantic (like the pretentious and amateurish "Baler"). In fact, the story is way too simplistic; the situations too “maneuvered” to be really believed, but this is where this film succeeds. When a fan-movie doesn’t pretend to be something more than what it is – a crowd-pleasing “fan movie”, then it won’t fall down the pit that made “For the First Time” or even “Paano Kita Iibigin” a big disappointment to “love story” fans like me!

Congratulations KC and Richard!

... an empty piece of a shell...

revitalized after the disappointing holidays

With exams all behind me, i found myself enjoying the humdrum of my life as a shoe-obsessed, film-loving, Mauritius-dreaming Manila girl... so i gallantly offered to pay for my friend's movie seat to watch "Jay" - this Baron Geisler indie that my friend doesn't want to watch.

Lately, most of the movies that I've invited him were so bad he ends up literally vomiting after watching. This started with the whole line-up of Metro Manila Film festival trash that made my head spin. I have single-handedly busted a little fortune paying for the admissions of these basuras. My friend just laughs at my rants saying i deserve this artistic bankruptcy for patronizing the aforementioned movies. "Buti nga so yo," he keeps taunting me. Why? Because I patronized Pinoy films during the whole festival bonanza?

He was saying how asinine Joel Lamangan's Desperadas 2 was. And that I dozed off at a cartoon called Dayo - and I have always LOVE animated films! Don't rub it in! And Shake Rattle and Roll? Shouldn't they have buried this franchise back when Rambo was king? Then there's the multi-awarded Baler! Oh gawd! Whatever happened to occasional director Mark Meilly (he directed 3 films in 5 years) who brought cinematic gems (Crying Ladies, La Visa Loca) in the past. Every bit of that movie was plain amateurish! Para kang nanood ng school play na nagbabaril-barilan ang mga sundalo. LOL.

Then comes "Jay". Ok, I shelled out an extra P120 just to have a friend watch this movie with me. Guess what! After a sketchy start, the whole piece came through. This was a rewarding experience at the movies. People should watch this instead of all those TRASH that polluted the Christmas holidays! Lintik! Pinagastos pa ako!