Stakeland - A World of Vampires and a Bleak Future

“In desperate times, false Gods abound.”

The world has changed radically. A vampire pandemic has decimated civilization as we know it and the few survivors cling on to false hopes and spurious salvations. “People put their faith on the loudest preachers,” Martin says.

Martin (Connor Paolo) is a teenager who lost his parents to the walking dead, a composite of zombies and vampire, fiercer and doubly aggressive. One night, a rogue vampire hunter, simply called “Mister” (Nick Damici), saves Martin from the fate that befell his parents, and the young man has since become Mister’s protégé. They have to navigate this treacherous world preponderated by anarchy, a pseudo-religious flock of Christians called “The Brotherhood” who pilfer and ravage the existing communities that have managed to secure themselves in “lockdown towns”. Mister and Martin have to travel north to Canada to a place called “New Eden” where it’s vampire free. Sure, they’ve also heard that “there’s nothing there… no food”. They’ve been forewarned of the cannibals.

Along the way, they meet Belle (Danielle Harris), a beautiful teenage girl who’s heavy with a child; Willie (Sean Nelson), a former marine who has come home to look for his family; a feisty nun (Kelly McGillis) they rescued from the sex-starved “robe-wearing crazies”. While rescuing the nun, Mister kills the son of Jebedia Loven (Michael Cerveris), the looney head of The Brotherhood. Soon, Mister and Martin turn “fugitive” throughout Stakeland, being hunted by Loven’s vast network of thugs!

The film takes an unusually introspective approach in this post-apocalyptic saga. In fact, this is told from the perspective of young Martin. We hear his thoughts in calm, almost whispery voice overs (think “Tree of Life”). The stark disparity and rich contrast between the lush green vegetation and the moral ambivalence of the people who just want to survive creates an atmosphere of dread scarier than other monster flicks that wallow in darkness. Everywhere there’s an atmosphere of stark desperation. Connor Paolo creates a vulnerable and endearing Martin, allowing his audience to sympathize and care. It helps too that this young man is so darn good looking! LOL

There’s a bit of confusion on how they can stop these vampires: one minute, it’s by thrusting a stake at the base of the skull; the next is through their hearts. This idea vacillates throughout the film and should have been delineated clearly.

The script does away with unnecessary romanticizing, thus despite Martin’s obvious attraction to Belle, there are no forceful romantic strains that deviate from the main story. After all, this is a world besieged by despondency, anguish, losses and an amoral environment. Martin’s relationship with the rest of the characters is believable and affecting: the nun; “hard ass” Mister, et.al. The narrative has created a world free from the clutches of politics, but chaos has taken over: the President is dead; the Middle East is gone; “scamps” (young vampires), “berserkers” and mean-spirited warriors roam the land. Where do people run for cover?

Do not miss it!

Connor Paolo is Martin.


Connor Paolo appears in the TV series "Revenge".


Connor Paolo as Eric van der Woodsen in "Gossip Girl".


A younger Connor Paolo with Angelina Jolie in Oliver Stone's "Alexander". He played the young Colin Farrell.


Connor Paolo


Danielle Harris


Danielle Harris is Belle


Bonnie Dennison is Peggy who comes into the story like a breath of fresh air.

Killer Elite - Assassinations and High Adrenaline Rescues

Men don’t understand women. They don’t realize we’re made to appreciate the finer things in life. Otherwise, why would I be put to task for buying “yet another” pair of shoes? When I came barging home with my shopping bag, dad shot me his censuring glance like I did a Macapagal-Arroyo mischief. Heavens! First of all, I barely resemble a troll who even looks more hideous with a neck brace and fake boobs. Would my dad rather see me spend my money on drugs and other vices? Secondly, I don’t acquire money, gain or advantage by dishonest, unfair or illegal means, then proudly saunter around like I’m an angel sent from the heavens. I am a mere earthly angel. Dainty, sweet and svelte. Period. (No, Iya, do not laugh. I’m being apropos, girl.)

This reverie took me in front of a cinema counter. Maybe I’ll understand men better if I were to watch a high adrenaline flick?

Gary McKendry’s “Killer Elite” would be that film, right?

Danny (Jason Statham) was an assassin until he unintentionally killed a man in the presence of the latter’s child. More than the poor child, he was scarred from the experience thus making him quit his avocation and moved to Australia where the cows graze on kangaroo-poo grown grass. Quaint. A year into his hibernation, he learns of his friend Hunter (Robert de Niro) being taken hostage! The culprit was an Omani sheik who wants revenge for his three sons individually assassinated by S.A.S. soldiers during the Dhofar Rebellion (1964-1975) launched against the sultanate of Muscat and Oman (which had British support).

This plot was relayed to Danny who has to seek the SAS soldiers responsible for the death of the sheik’s sons. Since revenge was the order of the day, he had to assassinate these soldiers and extract confessions from them. If he succeeds, Hunter will be freed and he gets $6 million for his effort. Trouble is, these soldiers aren’t exactly limp wristed, helpless or morons. They are highly skilled and well connected. But as Danny carefully treads his maneuvers, he is being tailed by Spike (Clive Owen) tasked by a secret organization of former-SAS officers who’s getting worried!

Now imagine Statham engage in a testosterone fueled fistfight with Clive Owen. Add a dash of Robert de Niro! What could be more potent than this formula?

The film takes us through different places: Wales, Paris, Oman, Australia, and this wanderlust countenance could sometimes divert you away from the main story. But with Statham and Owen on board, you’d be foolhardy to expect a rousing drama, right? What kept me glued was how the grieving father, the ailing sheik, was so persistent on avenging his slain sons’ deaths. I guess there is no gadget that would suffice to measure up a father’s love. Which doesn’t mean a child is incapable of reciprocating his affections, as when Danny would sacrifice his peaceful life in rural Australia just to help out a dear old friend. There’s nothing wrong with being valiant – or quixotic – just to help out a friend in need.

Now can I buy another pair of shoes?

Spike catches Danny


Jason Statham


Jason Statham


Clive Owen


Clive Owen


Clive Owen


Yvonne Strahovski plays Anne, Danny's Australian girl who's suddenly caught in the crossfire.


Yvonne Strahovski is Australian. She plays Sarah Walker in the TV series "Chuck" and will be seen in Anne Fletcher's "My Mother's Curse" with funny man Seth Rogen and (hold your breath) Barbra Streisand! The latter is about an inventor hitting the road with his mother to sell his latest invention. Sounds like fun!

Apollo 18 – Lunar Crabs, Jumping Rocks & Handheld Cameras

Apollo 17 was the 11^th and final manned mission in the Apollo Space Program. The year was 1972, the last time man landed on the moon. Or was it really?

Footages have been found to negate this, suggesting there was a 12^th mission – Apollo 18. On board were astronauts Ben, John and Nate (Warren Christie, Ryan Robbins, Lloyd Owen respectively) tasked to set up cameras on the moon and retrieve lunar samples. On December 25^th, 1975, this secret mission landed on the moon. During a cursory moonwalk, Nate inadvertently finds a Russian spaceship, operational yet curiously abandoned. Blood stains are all over the shuttle. When he follows “something” into the tenebrous crater, he discovers a dead cosmonaut and a briskly crawling creature. The next few days has Nate stricken with an illness that burrows through the skin. His eyes turn bloodshot and his mentation volatile. But something else is troubling them out there. Creepy noises are heard while they sleep. The equipment set up outside are upturned, causing them to intermittently lose communication from Earth. Suddenly, the moon becomes a hostile place. Will the astronauts make it back home?

Employing the craft that made “Paranormal Activity” a runaway hit, i.e. lots of cameras (handheld and otherwise), Apollo 18 tries the same ruse to convey an atmosphere of isolation and – well – doom! In some way, they've succeeded creating such atmosphere. After all, it isn't an easy task to sustain your viewers' attention when 95% of the time, there are just two characters interacting on screen. The situation on hand has to be riveting enough to buoy up interest.

What I didn’t find amusing was their treatment of the antagonists. Here, there are crab-like creatures that, though small, seem smarter than humans; there’s a jumping rock as well! Yes, a rock that hops and somehow changes form. There's a scene where John scoops out this organism lodged in Nate’s abdomen. You’d see the shape of the creature, probably measuring 4 by 5 inches wide, yet when he extracts it out with a forceps, it jumps on the floor and it looks like a stone barely 2 inches big! I have to somehow appease myself that my fears were well placed because this “stone” will eventually reshape itself into hideous monsters! Oh dear!

To be honest, despite the “Cold War” climate of the mid-70’s, it was hard to believe they needed to keep this mission a secret. This idea is less than expedient. But then, without it, they’d be left with an even thinner plot. Was it a matter of national security to plant flags and motion detection cameras on the surface of the moon? The use of “national security” as a way out to avoid logical explanations is getting too flimsy and lazy. I’d rather buy another pair of shoes than hear that excuse again! Ho-hum! And how can the Russians launch a spaceship without getting detected? And were cameras really that prevalent in 1975? Then I’m reminded that this is science fiction and horror rolled into one. Maybe they have cinematic license for such farfetched ideas. It’s as believable as believing that Lunar Rovers can be easily turned over, like they’re mere toys made of paper mache!

FOUND FOOTAGE FILMS

The voyeuristic approach in this growing genre called "Found Footage Films" (a documentary faux film that started in 1980's with "Cannibal Holocaust") isn't as potent here as they were in other films of such nature ("The Last Broadcast", "Blair Witch Project", the Spanish film "Rec" and its US-version "Quarantine", "The Last Exorcism", "Paranormal Activity" and its prequels; even "Cloverfield"). But it can be an interesting watch on a lazy weekend when there's nothing else worth doing.

On point of performance, director Gonzalo Lopez-Gallego’s actors were more than decent! You’d have to commend their earnest portrayals. When Lloyd Owen, playing the afflicted astronaut Nate, suddenly wakes up and growls “Don’t ever touch me again!” I was petrified. Maybe he was pissed off because he got the peas instead of the carrots from their space kitchen? Someone give the guy his carrot!

Moon creature embeds itself in human viscera.


Nate feels devilish. "Leave me," he instructs his friend.


Warren Christie plays Capt. Benjamin Anderson in "Apollo 18". He hails from Northern Ireland, but graduated from Ontario, Canada. His resume reveals a long list of TV work, the most recent is "Alphas". He just completed another film - McG's "This Means War" with Tom Hardy and Reese Witherspoon.


Ryan Robbins was in several TV series as well like "Sanctuary", "Caprica", "Battlestar Galactica", "The Guard", etc. He was with Adrien Brody in "Wrecked". He next topbills Tracy D. Smith's "Everything and Everyone".


Luke Owen plays Nate Walker who gets inflicted with lunar crabs! He was in "Miss Potter" and in several TV series.

Kape Barako - That Special Condiment in Your Latte

Warning: The following dissertation has an adult theme. If you’re a minor or are easily offended by topics of sexual nature, please leave this post NOW!

In the process of researching for this blog post (yes, I research for perspective), I’ve come across several items that have been bothering me while watching Monti Parungao’s “Kape Barako”. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

CAPSULE

Rico (Johnron Tanada) is operating a losing coffee shop with bank arrears worth P120,000. He is given 2 weeks to make the payment or his establishment closes shop. Furthermore, his girlfriend Joyce is migrating to Canada and their only regular customer is a blimp who spends her 8 hours in front of her laptop, consuming nothing but cold tap water! Rico ends up selling his beat up car, fetching a measly P20,000. This leaves him with a hundred grand balance.

One day, barista Virgilio (Afi Africa) inadvertently blends a milky liquid to the coffee brew, unaware that his workmate Jeck (Mico Pasamonte), who during one of his idle pleasures, has ejaculated in the cup. This gastronomic additive soon turns their Baraco varietal into a special brew that has gay men flocking into the café, like the proverbial moth to a flame. The women, on the other hand, find the taste repulsive: “Ano ba ‘to, lasang Clorox!” But finally, hope is rubbernecking its head at the door, what with customers fighting for a seat. Poor Jeck is suddenly thrown for a loop. He ends up getting overworked (and eventually tapped out) to “extract” the magic ingredient.

With a few days left before the deadline of foreclosure, Rico had to hire more workers: Eboy and Badong (Allan Stevens and Marcus Aboga, respectively) who bolster the marketability of the restaurant; the waiters parade around the shop half naked, while the bouncer allows their customers to frisk him with extra access where it matters (yep, in this fantastic world, it’s the customers who do the frisking). However, there’s not enough cups that would guarantee them P100,000. On their final night, Rico and his staff turn their café into a gay bar, staging a one-night only all-men revue. Will they succeed in raising enough money to save the shop? Guess.

Director Monti Puno Parungao once again showcases the vulgarity of his (and Lex Bonife’s) ideas by cashing in on a sundry of full frontal exposures and the revolting concept of making semen an ingredient in your café latte. I'm aware that this is meant as a comedy, but there has to be a discernable line between common decency and humor the same way that people are not supposed to patronize pedophilia, bestiality, necrophilia and coprophagia!

Johnron Tanada, a veteran of a dozen Pink Films, appears comfortable and fit, but fails to register distress or concern from his impending foreclosure. In fact, his character (an ex-seminarian and HRM graduate) looked utterly clueless on how the coffee business should be run. He spends his time reading letters and moping, and he isn't even good doing just that!

When a rich customer named Sir Giorgio (Frederick Peralta) offers P150,000 in exchange of dinner with “extra service”, Rico balks simply because he doesn’t know what it is! Later in the story, he would ask Eboy, a former “macho dancer”, what exactly is an “extra service” and even ropes him in for an actual tutorial session. (Yes, they have a one-on-one session) I almost fell off my seat laughing. For a café owner, Rico has the intellectual quotient of a turnip. He would rather sleep with his barista, dance and cavort with his staff in front of a salivating audience, and offer himself to his effete barista Virgilio (as gratitude for the latter’s loyalty) than endure one night with a well meaning customer who’s offering more than what he needs? The mathematics here doesn’t add up!

During the café’s “Big Night”, Rico and his boys perform a musical number sung by Virgie dressed in drag. The song (with Lex Bonife's cringe-worthy vocals) started with a pitch that’s too low, you can hardly hear the words until the rousing chorus. Now that should have been remedied because if the cafe's existence depended on a horrible musical number, they'd have been blown into smithereens right there! While Virgie makes a fool of himself on stage (made up like a horror show drag queen), the guys rollick, romp and swerve their booty on a makeshift stage. This really reflects the mediocre mindset of its makers; peddle those muscles until they’re blue. And not much else.

With Bonife and Parungao on board, you can bet your bubble butt that there’s a parade of phalluses on display (Pasamonte appears in half a dozen scenes pleasuring himself; Stevens (who’s a real life exotic dancer at a bar in QC) and Aboga wave their genitalia in a couple more. It’s Tanada who’s the shrinking violet, which is a mystery considering he's been in several, and this is his first lead role in a while. And a slicked back hair doesn’t flatter his looks either. Moreover, he should be careful enunciating as he’s prone to saying “Jake” instead of “Jeck”. It’s a good thing most of his lines were in Tagalog because the few ones in English were awkward. Yuppy owners are supposed to articulate better.

Pasamonte’s delivery reminds me of Jason Francisco (of the Melason duo), and this brave young man should be lauded for his fortitude and audacity to flash his wrinkly baton in several scenes. He plays the virgin guy who needs money to have his sick mother taken to a hospital (ho-hum, don’t they all have sick mothers, gramps, brothers and aunts?) During his break time, he habitually rushes to the loo for quick wanks. In one hilarious scene, he even talks to his little pecker: “Gusto mo na naman? Katatapos mo lang ah!”

Rico, the boss, gets hands-on tutorial from his bouncer Eboy. And since when does a coffee shop require a bouncer?


"Ligo lang naman ang katapat nun, boss."

Now let’s get to the heart of the more befuddling narrative strain: semen in the coffee! I have to admit it took me a couple of days to decide on posting this piece or not, but for the sake of discourse, I've decided to get on with it.

Does semen make a tastier coffee? It's possible. Let’s be adult about it and have a didactic discussion!

What comprises a man’s ejaculate? It turns out that only 1-2% makes up the “sperm”. Otherwise, I could swear that an ejaculate and sperm are a similar entity. In short, “semen” is the appropriate term for an ejaculate, and “sperm” is a component of the former. The rest of that gooey stuff is composed of various proteins, vitamins, sugars, salts, cholesterol, and water. These extras are what protects, feeds, and fuels the sperm in its journey (towards fertilization). With vitamins and sugar in its component, they serve a purpose and none of which includes as a “nutritional supplement” like when gingko biloba, lecithin, inositol, taurine or L-carnitine are being commercially advertised.

SOURCES OF COMPONENTS

There are 3 parts of the male anatomy that contribute to this secretion: A) the seminal vesicles produce that thick white secretion rich in sugars, mostly “fructose” (our table sugar is of the “sucrose” variety). Fructose is a “fruit sugar” thus we find them in many plants, like the sugarcane. Pure, dry fructose is a very sweet, white, odorless, crystalline solid. Fructose fuels the sperm cells on their journey to the egg. This thick white secretion comprises 50 to 80% of semen, i.e. the bulk of it. B) the prostate gland secretes the alkaline solution that combats the acidic fluid inside the female genitalia. This accounts for 1/3 of the volume of the seminal fluid. C) the Cowper’s glands secrete mucus lubrication needed during sexual activity, found in both sexes. This is what others refer to as the “pre-cum”.

But you see, inspite of its components, semen is a body fluid or excreta much like urine, ear wax, a nose’s booger, tears, sweat, and feces. They are excreted out of the body for a good reason! They’re not meant for human consumption the way locusts, beetles, and cockroaches are eaten in Cambodia. Simply put, semen isn’t meant as a condiment for anything, not even for coffee. Ingestion of body secretion is as hideous as eating feces is revolting. It's just not a hygienic entity. This isn't even a case of being conservative or obstinate. It just isn't right, and anyone who offers a premise as such, putting it out like it's vaguely acceptable is "not thinking straight" (no pun intended). Those who consume it may end up puking babies.


Johnron Tanada is Rico, the cash-strapped coffee house's boss. Do you know how he shows his gratitude to a loyal employee who has the hots for him?


Miko Pasamonte provides the special condiment for their coffee. He even err... "handpicks" the brew.


Allan Stevens offers more delicacies to customers.


Marcus Aboga, the accommodating bouncer.

No Other Woman - Fun, Games and Infidelity

I chanced upon a late television show a few weeks ago that had two groups of the most flamboyant gay teens fighting over the loss of a cellphone (someone stole it and curiously returned it broken 2 weeks later). The show is called “Public Atorni” patterned after a US court show called “People’s Court”. The aforementioned court hears small claims, promotes mediation and dispute resolution. The show mostly tackles the pettiest squabbles that should’ve been dealt with among them than on TV, but hey, the livid accusations sometimes make for a diverting nighcap, i.e. if you’ve no better things to do than watch a female lawyer exercise her theatricality, with hilarious effects. Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta, Public Attorney’s Office chief, hears the cases, then animatedly points to warring characters – “Asunto o areglo!” – as though her audience are a bunch of deaf dweebs. Besides, isn’t she aware that “pointing fingers” is actually bad manners? There are ethical books on this, so we’re prone to point that out. Anyway, we’re diverting!

The point being: Despite the almost trivial proceedings, the freewheeling verbal tussle between these pubescent homosexuals, you couldn’t help but listen and be amused! They have such florid ways of throwing verbal punches, not dissimilar to the smart exchanges found in comedy bars! They are entertaining and I was laughing myself out!

A few days ago, I watched Ruel S. Bayani’s “No Other Woman” and I could swear I’m transported back to that court house. It’s one drag show all over again! And though this was supposedly a domestic drama, I had the time of my life laughing away!

Capsule

Ram and Charmaine (Derek Ramsay and Cristine Reyes, respectively) make a loving young couple. Ram supplies furnitures for luxury resorts, but he struggles to rise above a negligent father and her father-in-law’s leering condescension. One day, he meets breezy and free-spirited Kara (Anne Curtis), daughter of the resort owner (Tirso Cruz III) he’s peddling his furniture wares at. Though Ram once vowed to be faithful, his resolve weakens where Kara’s concerned. After all, she knew he was married and she’s vowed never to be a “kabit” (mistress). This was just a consensual lay in the hay between consenting adults... with no emotional involvement!

Unfortunately, these trysts soon turn addicting (i.e. habit-forming). When Charmaine (Ram’s wife) begins suspecting there’s more to Ram’s constant disappearances, not to mention his hickeys, the philandering couple is already in too deep in their affair. They’re starting to care! That’s when Charmaine realizes that she must fight back and claim ownership to what’s rightfully hers. What becomes of Kara?

We’ve heard of such marital predicaments and situational narrative before, but what keeps “No Other Woman” entertaining is its campy approach to the arguments. Heck, even Charmaine’s mom (Carmi Martin) gushes with hissy lines as though she’s the anointed guru of relationships (she isn’t, her hubby’s probably jumping from one affair to the next): “Ang mundo ay isang malaking Quiapo, maraming snatcher. Maagawan ka. Lumaban ka!” Then: “Panahon na para i-pack mo na yang Lucy Torres mo, ilabas mo na diyan si Gretchen Barretto. Ako na ang bahala sa red stiletto mo!” And there’s more: “Ano ba’ng mahirap kalaban? Ang putang mahirap o ang putang mayaman?” Answer: “Pare-parehong puta lang yun!” I was going to stand up and curtsy, but I waited because I realized there could be more. I was right: “I’ll never be a pathetic boring housewife,” delivered with so much chili relish, my palate was clapping with glee. If you’ve heard the verbal exchange among the teen homosexuals in “Public Atorni”, you’d agree that they could fit perfectly into the film’s campy catfights!

Anne Curtis has always been competent with characters she's portrayed in the past, but that’s mainly because she coasts on her charisma and earnestness. "No Other Woman" is a departure from her usual girl-next-door persona (Yup, even her "Babe, I Love You" character was a doll!) In this film, Anne plays the delightful vamp to the hilt and doesn’t do badly as a concubine, which is a surprise since she is cast against type. However, it’s really Cristine Reyes who succeeds in controlled thespic strokes. She has obviously learned much from her older sister (Ara Mina, a great actress) how insight and sincerity are mined from within. When Cristine wails, “Bakit? May kulang ba sa luto ko? Pangit ba ako? Mababaliw ako sa kakaisip!” - you knew she meant it! And the film, and all its ill-advised humor, becomes real.

There are a number of mind benders in the story. You’re courting for trouble when you take your jealous wife to where your jealous mistress is - or is that such an alien concept? It was a hammer waiting to hit you in the head. And if such action wasn't meant to spite a lover, think of what Kara can do in her own territory! She is, if Ram didn’t realize, the owner’s daughter and is quite the power-wielding royalty in their own resort. She could castrate Ram if she wanted to. Of course, it makes for an explosive confrontation, but a realist’s option it sure isn’t. There’s more: Why would a “mistress” accept a wife’s invitation for dinner unless she’s bracing for a big meltdown. There are a couple of things worth noting here: delicadeza and guilt, not to mention “common sense”, but then maybe “sense” is farthest in the scriptwriter’s mind when he wrote this scene. In another, Kara shouts an accusation at Ram, "Minahal mo ba ako?" But wasn't she the one who smugly declared, "Shut up and kiss me, and don't you dare fall in love with me?" Who's contradicting herself?

Even the mistress' dad (Tirso Cruz III) is given acidic lines that might as well come from my Values Education teacher: "If you stop hating your father so much, maybe you'll turn into a better person." I was astounded. After all, he himself hated Ram's dad (a former friend and business partner who once defrauded him) so that line felt incongruent to the story. You do realize this overkill was unregulated. The audience would lap it up anyway, debah?

There's a lot of things that caught my (and my bff Iyaya's) attention in the movie: The hand bags are to die for, the shoes divine, and the bathing suits va-va-voom! Curtis and Reyes were such epitomes of beauty, and Derek overflowed with machismo! Unfortunately, all these don't make an excellent movie. It's gay fantasia filled with the most delectable battle lines, the ones we can only dream of using when confronted with usurpers in real life ("Baka makita mo pang nilagyan ko ng lason ang pagkain.") Otherwise, in a realist's world, the mistress clams up; the embarrassed wife runs home in tears; and there's no audience applauding a heated confrontation.

The last part turns messier than expected (Charmaine taunts Kara while the latter’s lounging peacefully by the poolside; Ram’s midnight visit into Kara’s room; the avoidable vehicular accident), each strain as manipulative – canny and circumspect – and “straight out of a cheap teleserye”. You bet!

Anne Curtis as lovely Kara



Anne Curtis





Cristine Reyes


Cristine Reyes


Derek Ramsay


Derek Ramsay


Derek Ramsay