Leonardo Q. Belen's Pinoy Super Kid - Slap-Happy Stupidity

After planning a ruse that would cancel a school exam (for the sake of a friend who isn’t ready to take it), Alex (Buboy Villar) gets expelled from school. But what’s more heart breaking for him was getting booted off his Boy Scout Platoon. Alex lives and breathes the scouts’ ideals. This is when he starts having nightmares concerning a band of thieves – their movement, their operandi. Heck, he even gets the exact date, time and address right! With the help of his friend Buddy (Jerould Aceron), he produces a sketch of these thugs and turns them over to a police sergeant (Rey PJ Abellana) who scoffs at Alex’s allegations. After all, who in their right mind would readily admit clues straight out of a child’s dream? But Alex’s nightmares linger on, diligently tracking down the baddies’ operations. 

He seeks his Tito Ben’s (Mark Lapid) help, but all their complaints fall on deaf ears. Little did they realize that the sergeant coddles this criminal syndicate. This time around, Alex gets a gift from a mysterious old man (Amay Bisaya) who bequeaths a powerful talisman. From here on, he starts gaining magical powers that could freeze or move people (telekinesis, anyone?) When another heist ensues, Alex, his Uncle Ben and his guidance counselor Karen (Princess Armillos) find an ally in another police officer (Mon Confiado) who, though skeptical, doesn’t turn them away.

When the bad guys get wind of Alex’s gifts, they kidnap him and take advantage of his powers. Soon, more people are abducted: Delia, Alex’s mother (Suzette Ranillo); Gemma, Alex’s crush, and his father Mr. Osorio (Edwin Reyes); even his uncle’s girlfriend Susan (a bargirl). What’s a magical boy scout to do?

Why? This question loudly resonates like a huge gate of tin falling down a concrete. The choice of employing the Queen’s English as medium of expression is befuddling! In fact, the first few minutes felt like a joke. I kinda expected someone cute as Ashton Kucher declaring “You got punked!” Unfortunately, it was all for real! Take one look at Buboy Villar and his physical attributes: brown skin, flat nose with upturned nostrils, eye slits typically Asian – then he opens his mouth and out comes English, in its most horrifically pugnacious form! In fact, this soon turns into a laughfest with teachers, drivers, sari sari store tinderas “trying” their spine tingling twangs:

“Alex is-tole (stole) a copy of dee questions!”

After passing judgment on Alex (he gets expelled – proven beyond reasonable doubt without even hearing a single word from him for his defense), the principal orders an investigation to be conducted by the “is-cool” psychologist Karen: “Find out if Alex is abnormal or is sick of something!” Huh? But wait, didn’t she just expel the child? Investigations are supposed to occur before a judgment, not after a child’s been kicked off school, right?

As a thumbs up for a good job cleaning her dad’s car, Gemma (Aila Mendero) greets Alex with her top-of-the-morning cheer: “Spic and span, Alex!” Ano daw? How can the script writer live with himself using words too far removed from the Pinoy psyche? And you wonder why we’ve been besieged by storms and gusty winds one after the other!

The film must have been shot with a thematic word-of-the-day: “Stupidity”. “Don’t disturb me with your is-tupidity!” “Don’t tell me something stupid!” “Look at your stupidity!” “You’re a fool!” “Don’t be foolish!” “I am participating in your (drum roll, please) foolishness!” The word and its synonyms bloom like the spring all throughout the narrative so you end up counting them. Hmm, there it is again! And again! And again! Stupidity indeed runs around this excuse of a cinematic garbage!

Another illness is its cacologous lines: “She sit down when we want it to sit down!” Hahaha. Ohmygoodness. Please stop me from this unbridled hilarity! In another scene, Alex/Buboy Villar gets chastised, “You’re turning to be a witch!” Has Alex turned into a girl? Or was this kinda like the Boy Abunda mentality of gender equality? After all, “witch” should be applicable to every slice of the gender pie, debah? Para fair! Sure sounds better than its masculine counterpart – “wizard”! By the way, a Colgate commercial rightfully belongs here: “Our project for Colgate Fresh U is to build a lib-lary!” Just a thought.

In another scene, after receiving talisman from a mysterious old man, Alex asks the tindera, “Did you see da old men?” She replies, “I niber sow dat old dibel bepor!” Aw shucks! She sure didn’t!

Most scenes are as detached from reality. Where does the magical old man come from? And why did he abandon Alex when the latter was kidnapped? If Alex could walk through walls, why couldn't he escape from his abductors? In another scene, after a petrifying bangungot, Alex wakes up alarmed, perspiring heavily. His mother rushes to his bed, calms him down, then tells him, “Don’t forget to pray.” Suddenly, agitated Alex is a bundle of joy, beaming with a “Sound of Music” smile, and quite ready for his close up! Did I miss something?

And why does a “superhero” get agitated in the rain? Is this the Gremlins phenomenon? Will he multiply once wet? Where is the “connect”? Then when you've started to consider that thought, this idea gets ignored altogether. Nakalimutan? Manila Bulletin’s Crispina Belen refers to this film as “outstanding”. You wonder which aspect was even vaguely superlative! Yet I am called by a basurero-looking Atenista in his FB ramblings a “pure PR” (he classily declared to his amigas - "mamumura mo talaga ang reviewer na 'yan") and that's just for judiciously enumerating the things I liked about “Kalayaan” (which he calls "epic fail... Basura ng Cinemalaya"; he conveniently dismisses the fact that I also enumerated what I didn't like about it), yet you have entertainment journalists who consider this abomination “outstanding” – and do they get brickbats from basurero-looking bitches? Go figure.

Director Leonardo Q. Belen seems to be living in some alternate universe. His skill and storytelling acumen hail somewhere between the 1958 and 1976 timeline. The sensibilities are dated and too “Piling Piling Pelikula” you somehow expect Max Alvarado, Rodolfo Boy Garcia, and Romy Diaz to jump out of the screen. That would have been more fun, you know. Yes, I was the only soul tinkering with my gorgeous nails in the cool darkness of an SM North Avenue Cinema. It must have been the rains driving people away – in droves, but for once, the inclement weather proved commodious!  If you’re easily annoyed by “is-tupidity”, stay away. If you want fun in clueless film making, try this one out. Laughing is good for the heart. But don’t say I didn’t warn you! 

Lapid consoles Ranillo: "Hanapin natin ang millions ng mommy ko sa Las Vegas. Huwag kang mag alala!" Or was that a different script?

Alex, after getting kidnapped, becomes a "zombie"! You better believe it! :) The original title "Boy Scout Hero" would have been more appropriate!

Altarejos' "Laruang Lalake" - Desperation & the Pink Film Industry

The Pink Film Industry that we know today owes a lot of its existence - and notoriety - from three exponents: Crisaldo Pablo for "jumpstarting" it (though this is debatable); Joselito Altarejos who "revolutionized " it (when "Ang Lalaki Sa Parola" became such a money-making success, every indie film maker were green with envy); and Brillante Mendoza who legitimized it ("Masahista", "Pantasya") by winning prestigious awards abroad.

Fortunately for Mendoza, he was able to crossover to the "respectable" genre. Now, he's regarded as a serious filmmaker. While director Joselito Altarejos is clearly a superior craftsman, his works tend to alienate a certain population of the movie-going public as he pushes the boundaries of what's acceptable. Occasionally, he vacillates to the realm of being exploitative which is sad given his talent! And the obvious way out of this predicament is to tackle stories far removed from the genre he is known for. Unless he does this, Altarejos shall be pigeon-holed into Pink Film limbo. And that would be such a waste!

But Altarejos has been making a conscious stride to veer away from this. There were hints of such struggle in "Little Boy, Big Boy", but that was a weak movie hobbled by poor casting. Then there's "Pink Halo Halo" which failed to make it in commercial cinemas. If Altarejos wants to be taken seriously, I'd say he's in the right direction. Unfortunately, this won't make him oddles of money the way "Ang Lalaki sa Parola", "Ang Lihim ni Antonio" or "Ang Laro sa Buhay ni Juan" did! But if it's longevity and legitimacy he's after, the financial truths behind his lofty ideals have to be accepted.

"Laruang Lalake" feels like a homage to Crisaldo Pablo and the Pink Film-generating industry. In fact, Pablo is cast in the film as Eli, and his homme du jour - Arjay Carreon - is uprooted from Pablo's mediocre Queeriosity flicks to star in a more legitimate project worthy of his movie star looks.

If you've seen Cleo Paglinawan's "Indie Boys" shown a few weeks back, then watching "Laruang Lalake" would feel like dejavu. It follows an independent film outfit's making of a gay-oriented movie. The story shifts its point of view from 18 year old Samuel Dionesio (Carreon) who's desperate to become a movie star - to director Wilfredo Ligan (Richard Quan), another desperate soul on the brink of bankruptcy. Samuel joins a casting audition for Wilfredo's make-or-break film, as we bear witness to a general atmosphere of despondency.

There is palpable unease as each wanna-be actor is ushered on stage; the experience couldn't be less demeaning than a consented molestation. Before the audition wraps up, Samuel is cast alongside PJ Miranda (Marco Morales), a charismatic actor who's back from hiatus. The narrative then jumps into vignettes of the actual film making: "macho dancing" scenes with tacky choreography. When the film is finally submitted to the MTRCB for review, the narrative shifts its focus by satirizing the follies of this outdated censors body. Of course, it also serves as an avenue to spotlight what's perceived as cinematic taboos: masturbation, an "aroused genitalia" and sodomy.

When Wilfredo's film eventually gets an X-rating, we see him dejected and flummoxed. After all, his mortgage rests on the public exhibition of his film. But he seems to have forgotten the alternate avenues to make money out of it: i.e. get his film shown in CCP or U.P. Theater where they are pretentiously served up as a "work of art" instead of the trash that they really are! Then there's the lucrative video release! Heck, these are even made available online, through amazon and other websites.

Richard Quan gives "Laruang Lalake" a degree of pertinence, and Arjay Carreon as Samuel finally becomes a "real movie star"! Mark Fabillar plays the production assistant who's sympathetic to Samuel's needs. He registers well on screen though we catch moments of "softness". He would make a great protagonist in future Altarejos films (he did well in "Pink Halo Halo").

There were a few peekaboos that Altarejos had to offer as "gifts" for his pink audience: one from Carreon, another from Morales, and one from an auditionee. These were "bonuses" that reminded us that despite appearances, "Laruang Lalake" is still meant for a select audience.

While Altarejos is in search of a more universal audience - a more mainstream patron, this I'm afraid will elude him if he keeps dispensing feckless "bonuses" for his select crowd of admirers.

Far from Cabanatuan, Samuel (Arjay Carreon) shuttles between exotic dancing and the occasional film work.

Marco Morales is PJ Miranda, a former actor who makes his comeback after several years of hiatus in Macau.

Derivative Slasher Flick in Logic-Challenged "Pilantik"

Argel Joseph used to do a lot of tv dramas back when I was a child, but with the untimely death of advice guru Helen Vela, Director Joseph took a protracted sabatical!

And it seems he must have overdosed on a lot of slasher flicks during his hibernation that eventually resulted in a derivative flick that's "Pilantik". I wanted to write a haiku about the pervading mediocrity that's become synonymous with Filipino Indie Films, but I realized I'd rather reserve that for when I get more inspiration. Because after all, this film deserves my rant for being horrible. This deserves the wrath of the demigoddesses for wasting my dad's hard-earned cash just so I can watch another trash disguised as an indie cinema.

Spoilers ahead!

Ysmael (Mon Confiado) is a transvestite who turns into an irresolute avenging marauder by night. He carries around an axe and hunts for copulating lovers, then bludgeons them to their death. He then chops off an arm and keeps them at his fridge! Flashbacks show him as a physically abused child whose effete demeanor provoked his stepdad (Pen Medina) and stepbrother to macerate his right fingers, thereby getting rid of his "pilantik" (light feminine flick of the fingers). Meanwhile, his emotionally inferior mother (Ma. Isabel Lopez) is shackled in her room. During a violent altercation, young Ysmael gets hold of the axe, killing his evil stepdad and evil stepbro!

Fast forward to the present! We see Ysmael cooking for his family, until we realize later that the people sitting at the dinner table are rotting corpses. Meanwhile, authorities are in a bind over a recent spate of serial killings. Is it the benz-driving Ysmael? Apparently, it is - coz we see him gallivanting in the night, hacking lovers in a state of pre-orgasm (first one to go is eye candy Jeff Luna).

From out of the blue, we get an entirely different string of characters introduced into Ysmael's life who, it seems is an upright member of the community. (He operates a beauty salon. We also see him comfort a perturbed friend Frida - Kuya Germ's counterpointer Shalala who was funny but misplaced in a dramatic action-thriller!)

While Ysmael and Frida were on their way out of a bar, they met Alfred (Kris Martinez) and his friends. They've apparently heard of Ysmael's riches. So they invite themselves for a rendezvous at Ysmael's crumbling home, setting themselves up for what would become the ultimate gorefest! Just about this time, I have already taken a 2 minute nap, regurgitated my lunch out of predictable tedium and dismay, and narrated to my friend Kyle (who loves his gay Galleria flicks) how the movie was going to end - right down to the letter!

Not only is the storyteller confused, he is also helplessly unimaginative - with scene after scene wallowing with predictability! Mon Confiado performs as though this were his very last movie project. He has to remember that less is more! Watching Confiado as Ysmael was painful. It always does when you see someone pretending to be gay! It reminds me of Jao Mapa in Joel Lamangan's "I Love Dreamguyz". Kyle and I were squirming in our seats.

And here is my uber-question - why was Ysmael targetting copulating lovers - unless its Joseph's homage to all those slasher flicks that irreverently kill off horny lovers everytime? You'd think they would illuminate on this salient point in one of their numerous flashbacks, but oh no, they conveniently forgot! I bet so they could show perky nipples flopping about. That's a valid reason, isn't it? ;->

At some point, I overheard a moviegoer ask, "So there are two serial killers?" Exactly, honey! In this film, there were 3 sets of dingbats running around with half a brain - Ysmael, the gay-baiting lotharios, and the filmmakers selling crap to gullible moviegoers who continuously patronize dregs such as this one!

Jao Mapa as Kevin becomes last victim. (Why he would forcefully sodomize a reluctant tranny before he robs off him is beyond me- unless he was really gay in the film, which he obviously wasn't?) Kris Martinez (right) as gay-baiting Alfred who eventually gets his lovely head dismembered!