Monti Parungao's The Escort - Surprising Serendipity

There’s something implicit about Karlo’s (Miko Pasamonte) disposition about his trade. He’s straight forward without being intrepid. Yet a sense of innocence surrounds his demeanor. Karlo works as an escort, accompanying gay men in concupiscent holidays in Boracay, performing prurient private shows with his hustler friend (Jommel Idulan) for gay old men, etc. “Kung gagamitin niyo lang ako, mag gamitin tayo,” he reasons. He is quite celebrated too with referrals coming in from satisfied customers.

One day, he meets 18 year old Yuri (Danniel Deramayo) in a bar. The young virgin strikes up a conversation with the escort who later finds out that the charming, albeit hapless lad is inflicted with an illness that, though non-infectious, might be terminal. He also meets a psychic who could foresee an individual’s future. And something numbing worries the latter. Later that night, Karlo finds Yuri in a carinderia near his pad. The two strike up a genial conversation that soon had sparks flying. And the unexpected happens in the most romantic way. Check this conversation:

Karlo: “Ikaw, nagkajowa ka na ba?”

Yuri: “Wala rin.”

Karlo: “Bakit naman?”

Yuri: “Ngayon pa lang kita nakita eh.” (and he sheepishly grins)

Karlo: “Loko loko.” (Karlo moves closer to Yuri who then quips…)

Yuri:  “Wala akong pambayad sa yo.” (Yuri whispers and smiles tentatively.)

Karlo: “Huwag kang mag alala. Tumatanggap naman ako ng utang.”

Do we foresee a happy-ever-after? 

Some of the lines may be simplistic or cheesy, but the execution gives them a veneer of warmth and tenderness unusual in local homoerotic flicks. There’s no denying the inherent charm of a serendipitous romance tackled in the film.

Monti Parungao’s “The Escort”, based on Lance Collins’ story, with a no-nonsense script by Lex Bonife, took me by surprise. If you’ve been following this blog, you should be aware how much  I despise many of these gay-oriented flicks because they tend to be exploitative, dull and unimaginative. I always maintain that good films should have a universality that comes through and could be appreciated even by a straight crowd; something that’s almost rare among Philippine Pinks. This is why we hold Brillante Mendoza (who has his share of Pink ouvres) and Joselito Altarejos in high regard. They don’t dumb down their audience.

The film is short, but the exposition that follows a few days in the life of a pragmatic hustler is compelling. Sure, there’s a de rigueur shower scene, but you realize that it isn’t the raison d’etre of the narrative. And we clearly appreciate this. Too bad the film has limited screening.

Miko Pasamonte passes muster, but he isn’t disadvantaged by a borderline script. In fact, it helps him acquire a sense of legitimacy. Danniel Deramayo, a member of the “Hotmen”, does even better. He imbues his character with innocence and fragility, allowing his “first time” to come off as sweet and tender. Yup, BFF Kyle, just like a Purefoods hotdog. J  Bonife pays attention to particular details - like when he shows Karlo collecting stones because they remind him of home. I like that.

Of course there are loopholes in the narrative: when Yuri gets taken to the hospital, none of his relatives come for a visit. He’s said to get admitted 2-3 times a year. So who foots the bill? At his hospital bed, you hear the respirator working, yet Yuri is merely hooked to an oxygen nasal cannula. And what seizure disorder has him unconscious for days? I’m sure it was mentioned, but there’s room tone distraction, thus audio is patchy. Some lines are out of sync as well.

And yes, it concludes in the same artifice as Bill Condon’s “Twilight – Breaking Dawn Part 2” – but then this validates  Karlo’s pragmatism. It was almost delectably funny. For the ninnies who only appreciate pink flicks with full frontals, they should be leaving the cinema with tongues a wagging. Pasamonte generously displays his considerable chorizo in a morning-after scene where he wakes up naked in bed. Yes, Urduja, it’s a full frontal flopping-down-the-stomach glory. Yet somehow the scene didn't seem gratuitous. J

Corollary to this concern, whenever we travel abroad, we’re embarrassed by the spate of Filipino Film releases that get peddled overseas. Let's take Silom Road in Bangkok, for example: if you scour the street leading towards sleazy sois of Patpong (and even soi Cowboy), you will be amazed with their benevolent collection of Filipino Films proudly represented by the likes of “Lagpas”, etc. If these epitomize our slice of the film pie, reflecting Pinoy artistry, for foreign cineastes, then we should all troop down the gunungs of Indonesia and hide in a cave forever, debah?    

Jommel Idulan recruits Miko Pasamonte for a "booking".

"Kaya mo bang sikmurain ang matandang yan, pare?" asked Karlo.

Private sex show with Jommel Idulan (above) and Miko Pasamonte while the geriatric audience watches. Jommel gets P10K while Miko gets P5K.

Yuri strikes a conversation with Karlo in a bar where everyone knows the latter.

Danniel Deramayo plays fragile Yuri.

Miko Pasamonte (as the titular Karlo) and Danniel Deramayo (as Yuri)

Miko Pasamonte

Note:

Please read our featured post on Cinema Bravo and why Web Criticism sometimes makes us nginig:
- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html

Kape Barako - That Special Condiment in Your Latte

Warning: The following dissertation has an adult theme. If you’re a minor or are easily offended by topics of sexual nature, please leave this post NOW!

In the process of researching for this blog post (yes, I research for perspective), I’ve come across several items that have been bothering me while watching Monti Parungao’s “Kape Barako”. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

CAPSULE

Rico (Johnron Tanada) is operating a losing coffee shop with bank arrears worth P120,000. He is given 2 weeks to make the payment or his establishment closes shop. Furthermore, his girlfriend Joyce is migrating to Canada and their only regular customer is a blimp who spends her 8 hours in front of her laptop, consuming nothing but cold tap water! Rico ends up selling his beat up car, fetching a measly P20,000. This leaves him with a hundred grand balance.

One day, barista Virgilio (Afi Africa) inadvertently blends a milky liquid to the coffee brew, unaware that his workmate Jeck (Mico Pasamonte), who during one of his idle pleasures, has ejaculated in the cup. This gastronomic additive soon turns their Baraco varietal into a special brew that has gay men flocking into the café, like the proverbial moth to a flame. The women, on the other hand, find the taste repulsive: “Ano ba ‘to, lasang Clorox!” But finally, hope is rubbernecking its head at the door, what with customers fighting for a seat. Poor Jeck is suddenly thrown for a loop. He ends up getting overworked (and eventually tapped out) to “extract” the magic ingredient.

With a few days left before the deadline of foreclosure, Rico had to hire more workers: Eboy and Badong (Allan Stevens and Marcus Aboga, respectively) who bolster the marketability of the restaurant; the waiters parade around the shop half naked, while the bouncer allows their customers to frisk him with extra access where it matters (yep, in this fantastic world, it’s the customers who do the frisking). However, there’s not enough cups that would guarantee them P100,000. On their final night, Rico and his staff turn their café into a gay bar, staging a one-night only all-men revue. Will they succeed in raising enough money to save the shop? Guess.

Director Monti Puno Parungao once again showcases the vulgarity of his (and Lex Bonife’s) ideas by cashing in on a sundry of full frontal exposures and the revolting concept of making semen an ingredient in your café latte. I'm aware that this is meant as a comedy, but there has to be a discernable line between common decency and humor the same way that people are not supposed to patronize pedophilia, bestiality, necrophilia and coprophagia!

Johnron Tanada, a veteran of a dozen Pink Films, appears comfortable and fit, but fails to register distress or concern from his impending foreclosure. In fact, his character (an ex-seminarian and HRM graduate) looked utterly clueless on how the coffee business should be run. He spends his time reading letters and moping, and he isn't even good doing just that!

When a rich customer named Sir Giorgio (Frederick Peralta) offers P150,000 in exchange of dinner with “extra service”, Rico balks simply because he doesn’t know what it is! Later in the story, he would ask Eboy, a former “macho dancer”, what exactly is an “extra service” and even ropes him in for an actual tutorial session. (Yes, they have a one-on-one session) I almost fell off my seat laughing. For a café owner, Rico has the intellectual quotient of a turnip. He would rather sleep with his barista, dance and cavort with his staff in front of a salivating audience, and offer himself to his effete barista Virgilio (as gratitude for the latter’s loyalty) than endure one night with a well meaning customer who’s offering more than what he needs? The mathematics here doesn’t add up!

During the café’s “Big Night”, Rico and his boys perform a musical number sung by Virgie dressed in drag. The song (with Lex Bonife's cringe-worthy vocals) started with a pitch that’s too low, you can hardly hear the words until the rousing chorus. Now that should have been remedied because if the cafe's existence depended on a horrible musical number, they'd have been blown into smithereens right there! While Virgie makes a fool of himself on stage (made up like a horror show drag queen), the guys rollick, romp and swerve their booty on a makeshift stage. This really reflects the mediocre mindset of its makers; peddle those muscles until they’re blue. And not much else.

With Bonife and Parungao on board, you can bet your bubble butt that there’s a parade of phalluses on display (Pasamonte appears in half a dozen scenes pleasuring himself; Stevens (who’s a real life exotic dancer at a bar in QC) and Aboga wave their genitalia in a couple more. It’s Tanada who’s the shrinking violet, which is a mystery considering he's been in several, and this is his first lead role in a while. And a slicked back hair doesn’t flatter his looks either. Moreover, he should be careful enunciating as he’s prone to saying “Jake” instead of “Jeck”. It’s a good thing most of his lines were in Tagalog because the few ones in English were awkward. Yuppy owners are supposed to articulate better.

Pasamonte’s delivery reminds me of Jason Francisco (of the Melason duo), and this brave young man should be lauded for his fortitude and audacity to flash his wrinkly baton in several scenes. He plays the virgin guy who needs money to have his sick mother taken to a hospital (ho-hum, don’t they all have sick mothers, gramps, brothers and aunts?) During his break time, he habitually rushes to the loo for quick wanks. In one hilarious scene, he even talks to his little pecker: “Gusto mo na naman? Katatapos mo lang ah!”

Rico, the boss, gets hands-on tutorial from his bouncer Eboy. And since when does a coffee shop require a bouncer?


"Ligo lang naman ang katapat nun, boss."

Now let’s get to the heart of the more befuddling narrative strain: semen in the coffee! I have to admit it took me a couple of days to decide on posting this piece or not, but for the sake of discourse, I've decided to get on with it.

Does semen make a tastier coffee? It's possible. Let’s be adult about it and have a didactic discussion!

What comprises a man’s ejaculate? It turns out that only 1-2% makes up the “sperm”. Otherwise, I could swear that an ejaculate and sperm are a similar entity. In short, “semen” is the appropriate term for an ejaculate, and “sperm” is a component of the former. The rest of that gooey stuff is composed of various proteins, vitamins, sugars, salts, cholesterol, and water. These extras are what protects, feeds, and fuels the sperm in its journey (towards fertilization). With vitamins and sugar in its component, they serve a purpose and none of which includes as a “nutritional supplement” like when gingko biloba, lecithin, inositol, taurine or L-carnitine are being commercially advertised.

SOURCES OF COMPONENTS

There are 3 parts of the male anatomy that contribute to this secretion: A) the seminal vesicles produce that thick white secretion rich in sugars, mostly “fructose” (our table sugar is of the “sucrose” variety). Fructose is a “fruit sugar” thus we find them in many plants, like the sugarcane. Pure, dry fructose is a very sweet, white, odorless, crystalline solid. Fructose fuels the sperm cells on their journey to the egg. This thick white secretion comprises 50 to 80% of semen, i.e. the bulk of it. B) the prostate gland secretes the alkaline solution that combats the acidic fluid inside the female genitalia. This accounts for 1/3 of the volume of the seminal fluid. C) the Cowper’s glands secrete mucus lubrication needed during sexual activity, found in both sexes. This is what others refer to as the “pre-cum”.

But you see, inspite of its components, semen is a body fluid or excreta much like urine, ear wax, a nose’s booger, tears, sweat, and feces. They are excreted out of the body for a good reason! They’re not meant for human consumption the way locusts, beetles, and cockroaches are eaten in Cambodia. Simply put, semen isn’t meant as a condiment for anything, not even for coffee. Ingestion of body secretion is as hideous as eating feces is revolting. It's just not a hygienic entity. This isn't even a case of being conservative or obstinate. It just isn't right, and anyone who offers a premise as such, putting it out like it's vaguely acceptable is "not thinking straight" (no pun intended). Those who consume it may end up puking babies.


Johnron Tanada is Rico, the cash-strapped coffee house's boss. Do you know how he shows his gratitude to a loyal employee who has the hots for him?


Miko Pasamonte provides the special condiment for their coffee. He even err... "handpicks" the brew.


Allan Stevens offers more delicacies to customers.


Marcus Aboga, the accommodating bouncer.

Santuaryo - Marooned On An Island of Morons

Monti Parungao isn’t quite over his “Survivor” experience so he conjures an insipid, reed-thin, lame-brained story and translates this into a movie - "Santuaryo" - about a group of able-bodied men who sets off on a treasure hunting adventure. This takes them to an island near their domicile (“Malapit sa amin,” remarked one of them) fabled to have buried a treasure. Meanwhile, another guy Archie (Basti Romero aka Ardie Bascara) aimlessly takes the road when his lover William (Will Sandejas) packs up and leaves for New York to work as a nurse! On the road, he meets Mang Erwin, an old man who lures him to the jungles of Quezon for – you bet! – the same treasure hunting adventure!

Unfortunately, Mang Erwin croaks and is found lifeless, leaving Archie by his lonesome. He takes the old man’s map and searches for the “treasure” himself. This is where he meets the 5 guys seemingly marooned on a big island – called “Luzon” – since Archie and Mang Erwin never actually left the mainland. At this point, you already find a very sketchy storytelling that smacks of a lethargic mind!

When Archie finally meets the guys, he learns that the group carries the other half of the map that would complete the hunt. He needs to get hold of it in a treacherous game of wits. Not that there’s much wit involved in this movie!

How come? Let me count the ways.

If there was indeed a popular urban legend about an oft-forgotten treasure buried by the Spanish conquistadors (and why for the life of Beelzebub would the Spaniards bury a treasure? they owned the islands for 500 years!), shouldn’t it reach the consciousness of archaeological authorities or, at the very least, professional bounty hunters who didn’t quite strike gold with the fabled Yamashita treasure? How did this come into being in the hands of wank-crazy young men or the infarct-ridden old man? And what are the odds that they would seek for this treasure within similar time frame. Wouldn’t it be too serendipitous?

One thing is sure, bad narratives always rely on chances to move their stories; Situations suddenly prop up like fungus on a desiccating tree. As the case here.

Next point, when the five guys declare to having been lost at sea, they weren’t exactly helpless . Their boat did not capsize, did it? In fact, that same night they reached the island, they hauled off a whole bag of goodies and canned goods - from the same boat, somehow giving the impression that they were really just on a camping trip. They weren’t lost! Neither were they trapped; not with a working boat! In fact, it didn’t take them long to start a bonfire! Moreover, instead of worrying for their whereabouts, one guy springs a bunch of porn magazines that all the boys could wank to. How convenient, right? You get seemingly marooned on an island (see the poster's blurb: "trapped on an island") and the first thing that comes into your mind is to masturbate beside your mates? Neurons alert!

Having a functional boat doesn’t necessarily make for a laudable shipwreck story, does it? In fact, if you closely check into the horizon, you see a big island in the far distance; probably Mindoro or Alabat Island (since Archie culminated his adventure in the jungles of Quezon)! Are they too lazy to steer their boat to another island if they indeed were lost? Or were they just plain stupid? My hunch would be the latter!

When Gener (Justin Dizon) forges a deal with Archie (Basti Romero), the latter lays his condition, “Gawin mo ang ginawa mo kay Migs para mapatunayan kong di ka nagsisinungaling.” A blowjob! I was like, duh! Honey, there are better ways of proving ones loyalty than a blowjob, except that this film’s writer and director consider a blowjob as the deal-breaker of all transactions! Talk about brains the size of peanuts, right?

Will Sandejas, the phallic king from the movie “Sikil”, is specially billed. He plays William, a New York-based nurse who takes a leave from his lucrative job when he learns of Archie’s disappearance. But upon his return, he finds a paraplegic Archie who can’t walk, “pero tinitigasan pa rin ako.” Miracles never cease! From here, William’s conversation with Archie steers the film’s narrative string.

As the movie comes to its conclusion, Archie finally completes his story – he was found thrown off a cliff, near death, by some fishermen; the same fishermen who “rescued” the 5 other guys? As I said, storytelling was sketchy at best.

Spoilers!

Drumroll, please! We then see wheelchair-bound Archie facing a romantically silhouetted William standing before him. The sun was setting on their shadows, and with supercalifragilistical wonderment, Archie miraculous pulls himself up his chair; he stands and walks! He moves towards William and they embrace in wild abandon. Sniff! May Himala, after all, Ms. Aunor! If only Walt Disney cartoons were this cinematic, magical – and superfluous!

Here’s the clincher of all clinchers – when the guys finally get hold of the complete map, what do they find? That they were encroaching on the treasure itself - the whole island is a “Wildlife Santuary”! Everyone missed the official entrance to the park? Hahaha! I bet the sanctuary even has a website that would give them free downloadable color maps! And they didn’t even have to sail the testy oceans to get there! JAC Liner lang or Pantranco papuntang Quezon, you’re there! It all boils down to having a movie where all the characters are nincompoops! Treasure turns out to be a Wildlife Park? Hahaha! That’s really GRAND! What imbeciles!

When one of the guys asked his mate how a blowjob feels, he follows this up with another moronic question – “eh sino ang top, sino ang bottom?” Huh? A blowjob has a top and a bottom? Does he even know what he’s talking about? There is constant discordance in every nook and cranny of this movie. The film seemed hurried and editing was clumsy: a narration and an on-spot scene were placed beside each other, both saying “Halos isang linggo na akong palakad lakad.” Like the proverbial broken record!

Haven’t you noticed how these independent films have continually showcased the miniscule brain activity that inhabit independent cinema in general? I am generalizing; after all, 95% of these Indies are crap! And these Pink Films flourish like unmoderated cow dungs at every corner of Philippine Cinema! God bless Monti Parungao for his spare and rather limited filmmaking capabilities!

Oh, I have to mention that “Santuaryo’s” story is from the brilliant mind of Danio Caw who also conveniently reviewed Parungao’s earlier masterpiece “Sagwan” (http://www.pep.ph/guide/3366/PEP-REVIEW:-Sagwan-aims-to-please-viewers). I was just reading through his review of Parungao’s “Sagwan” which reads: “… a well-made movie everyone should see…kudos to the director who can be considered the master of scenic setting…he knows how to put up a good show for his audience…” Master filmmaker, huh? LOL. Reading this was like jumping on trampoline. It had the heady pleasures of regurgitation! Honey, a good director knows how to tell his story, for starters. If the story doesn’t even ring true, the director should know how to tweak it into something acceptable, not riddled with narrative holes the size of the moon’s craters. The guys were “marooned” on the island - with a functional boat - for about a month yet we don’t see them grow their hair? No one even lost weight! Parungao should have learned from his “Survivor Palau” experience: “jungle survivors” look disheveled, dirty, frumpy, bemustached – even gorgeous creatures like Shaun, Marvin, Vlad and Suzuki weren’t immune to this … or was the director not taking down notes? He should have.

Mr. Caw, in his very objective and highly esteemable PEP review, further lamented, “As a moviegoer, I fervently wish that the indie films forego the usual first-person narration. Sagwan uses the same tired device. The script and the story are not particularly original. Sagwan is a good watch… after a series of disappointing gay indie films that have recently opened in the metro.” Guess what, Mr. Caw, your story isn’t original either, and it’s being told on first-person narration, haven’t you noticed? You should have fervently heed your own observations for your very own story! I am sure dear Monti would have listened! Or would he? "Disappointing gay indie films?" Spot on!

That this movie actually competed for the Cinemalaya Netpac Awards is just a testament of the pervasive atmosphere of mediocrity swirling around the current Digital Wave. There are just too many “idiots with cameras”. It obviously doesn’t speak well of this present movie industry.

God bless the paying movie-going public!