Khavn dela Cruz's Edsa XXX - Five Star Awful

In the year 2029, the world looks like an abandoned war town bathed by surreal psychedelia. In the struggling nation of Ek-ek-ek, a reluctant leader Tatlong Mata (Epy Quizon) is shoved into the political maelstrom of a newly installed government sinisterly maneuvered by self-serving benefactors called Hukbalaka who linger with ulterior motives. 

The aforementioned clandestine group, of course, want national domination. A flurry of odd characters further influence Tatlong Mata’s every action: his sexy girl friend Ana Mari (Sheree), as well as an Amazonian movement headed by Mariana Mariano (Althea Vega) who plots to foil the ministrations of Hukbalaka.

I came into the film looking forward to enjoying what promised to be a brilliant satire; a superior film. After all, this had glowing reviews all over the worldwideweb. I rarely read reviews prior to watching a film, but I felt I had to make heads and tail about its plot before diving into a film from one of the mavericks of the Independent Philippine Cinema. Besides, this was among a dead critic’s bucket list – a musical from director Khavn de la Cruz. The film maker is known for infusing mixed media in his films. Meryll Soriano’s “Paalam Aking Bulalakaw” (2006), for example, had delectable poetry and dreamy music framing the inherent narrative. He’s had a lot of “music” in his works even before “Edsa XXX” came about. This should be a treat, right?

Unfortunately, that wouldn’t be the case. While several critics have given it their highest marks, a sophisticated action of gargantuan mystery, the film is one egregious mistake. To add some flair into its otherworldliness, Director Dela Cruz employs the fisheye lens to further skew its message, delivered in harrowing pages of what he fashioned was a mixed bag of humor, satire, rock musical, dance revue, and whatever it was that he set his mind to. The result is one alienating tripe that’s more rubbish than alternative.

This makes their associated labelings: “The first movie filmed entirely in Corregidor Island” and “shot in fisheye lens” – utterly unnecessary and dubious. I can in fact make a film using the “bottom of a coke bottle” and it won’t amount to much without valid storytelling. The songs are loud (as rock anthems should be), dissonant and melodically spare, you’d wish you were crapping in a toilet than summoning hypertension in your seat. And true enough, someone was filmed taking a crap in one of the crannies of the Malinta Tunnel. If you don’t believe this, try googling for its theatrical trailer. The film in its entirety felt like a desecration of a historical site. They had jokes that no one found amusing. Otherwise, I would have heard even a single chuckle during its screening. Of course, I probably saw the film on a different day than when any of the amused critics watched it. There was so much irritable ugliness in the amateurish blocking and dance sequences, they seemed like random parts of a long dress rehearsal. By curtain call, it was clear that someone needed to be burned at the stakes.

Tatlong Mata (Epy Quizon) and Ana Mari (Sheree)

My whole Cinema One movie viewing was relatively pleasant, but “Edsa XXX” inspired suicidal tendencies. This was painful; a major irritant. Iyaya, my BFF, excused herself to go shoe shopping instead, refusing to do her cinematic penance. “Life is too short to suffer like that,” she whispered before leaving me. And she had every right to do so. After all, she was a paying consumer and thought this was money down the latrine. Why then were there glowing reviews all over, she later asked? There was obviously a term for this affliction, and I couldn’t help but laugh despite my frustration.

During this festival, I kept seeing this Caucasian guy who watched most of the films screened during the festival. I must have met him almost a dozen times, missing him only in 4 films. He always carried a backpack with him. I overheard him say that he would usually travel to Manila to watch our tourist-trapping film festivals. This is good news, if a tad surprising, right? When I saw him outside, after “Edsa XXX’s” screening, he was telling his friend, “That was quite awful.” Five-star awful, and I couldn't agree more.  

Althea Vega dances the tango.

Crapland. Yes, someone actually crapped!

Historical ruins and the figurative cinematic structures.

Sheree as Ek-ek-ek's First Girl Friend Ana Mari, a former prostitute.

Worst Performances of 2010

What constitutes a bad performance? That should be an easy dissertation, any time; any day.

One giveaway criteria is the presence of the blank facies, unless you're portraying the role of a catatonic schizophrenic. The wooden or statue-inspired amble, which Ciara Sotto perfected in "SpEd Hearts". The monotone delivery where you seem to be reading an essay in front of the camera. The shallow soul, where the exigency of an emotion is depicted through verbose lines and eardrum-shattering squalls, instead of a well-invested emotion (like much of the characters in "In Your Eyes"). The over-eager, under exposed actor who tries hard to stick out from his scarce screen time (not unlike several of Emir's "maids" but gloriously exemplified in brazen and insolent splendor by Melanie Dujunco). The black-and-white 2-D characterizations in actors who can't get a middle ground between emotions like disappointment, anger and hatred. The inability to assume any other persona other than what others know (much like Mo Twister, and why not, when you're already chirpy and charming, right?).

Sometimes, an exceedingly beautiful face gets in the way. Look at Sam Pinto. When you look at her, you are transfixed in time, the way she magically suspends herself in a single facial expression. She's upset? She's happy? She's occupied? Might as well wear a mask, it's a single expression! Another example is Rocky Salumbides. Check out his photo down below - now that is a face steep with expression! His photo just explodes with several degrees of emotion. Unfortunately, on a moving image, it is the same unmoving face, removed of all the muscles that create movements to convey emotion.

Another point to consider is the absolute lack of insight in a given role. Are you a testosterone-raging lothario? Then why do you speak like an 8 year old girl? Then, there's the oversimplification of a character. When a script assigns a sad persona, like someone who is dealing with extreme personal tragedies, do you mope in woe-is-me fashion for 2 full hours?

Finally, when a character annoys his audience when he is supposed to be charming, that should fall under a "worst performance" category.

We have vegetated on this list for about a week or so. It is such a displeasure to have to pay anything between P150 to 191 (a non-3D seat for the uneven "The Green Hornet" at the Galleria is a ridiculous P191) just to experience any of the aforementioned criteria. But more than anything, we do hope that they learn from these errr... star-making turns!

From 73 commercially released local flicks, this is 2010's Worst Performances: (in random order)

1. Allen Dizon ("Marino:Call of the Sea") as Benjo, a conscientious seaman who constantly worries about his wife (Ara Mina) back home. Even when he was shagging Krista Ranillo (who played a hooker) in Thailand, he was missing his melon-mammary wife.

2. Ciara Sotto ("SpEd Heart") as Rina, a special education teacher turned between her disagreeable dad and her boyfriend (Paolo Rivero). Ciara exemplifies the confused somnambulist. Danica Sotto (a co-star) could have done a lot better than the lethargic Ciara.

3. Toffee Calma ("Parisukat") opens the movie as a frisky "businessman" attacked by a gay serial killer. You do wonder why he never seem to have learned - and done away with his monotone delivery. He was one of the busiest sexy actors of the 90's appearing in one sexy flick after the next, opposite new sex nymphets.

4. Melanie Dujunco ("Emir") as Mylene, an obsequious servant at a royal household in an Emirate state. Dujunco was annoyingly fervid. She was a distraction, sticking out from the flow of an unremitting narrative. For a minor role, she unwittingly called too much attention to herself. As we said before, there are no small roles for good actors, but there's no role big enough for bad!

5. Richard Gutierrez ("In Your Eyes") as illegal immigrant Storm who fancies himself as a big time photographer instead of an unemployed free loader. If there is a criteria for blandness, go look his way. Remember what they say about shallow waters? And you wonder why he has such kaleidoscopic lines in the film.

6. Sheree as Lucy, the foul mouthed cinema prostitute in "S.R.O - Standing Room Only ." Cursing away like there's no tomorrow, spouting peremptory lines ( "Putang ina naman, Nestor. Hindi madaling magbate ha. Amoy Clorox na nga itong kamay ko," "Singkwenta lang? Nagpaputok ka pa sa labi ko. Halos nagkakasugat sugat na nga ang suso ko sa kakalapirot mo.") as though that would make her a thespian of note.

7. Mo Twister ("White House") as Ken, the loud and arrogant radio DJ and horror “housemate” who can’t pretend even for two hours how to be anybody else other than himself.

8. Victoria Haynes ("666") as the possessed teenager Donna who should be banished to la-la land.

9. Carl Guevarra ("Mamarazzi") as Andi Eigenmann's nerdy boyfriend who acts like a shrinking violet with the voice of an 8 year old school girl.

10. Gloria Romero ("Tarima") as the contemptible Lola Imang whose mean and abusive streaks don’t have rhyme or reason. Hers is an opprobrious character made to shout invectives many times over - "Hudas ka, Demonyo, Kapal ng mukha, Patay gutom, Walang hiya!" We've always loved her in anything she's been in, but with Neal Tan and a wanting script, the veteran actress is reduced to caricature.

11. Philip Salvador ("Rosario") as the powerful patriarch of a sprawling tobacco hacienda in the 1920's. Whatever happened to one of the most influential Brocka Babies? When he was younger, he was god. Times have changed though. Check out his one-note performances in the following films: As Daniel Reyes in "Baler", as KC Concepcion's dad in "For The First Time".

12. Rocky Salumbides ("Tarima") as the reclusive inmate Bryan who shines with smoldering dullness. (See above)

13. Guio Munoz (Indie Boys) as the duplicitous new actor Delfin who displayed raw naivete in his cunning persona. Huh?

14. Sam Pinto ("Petrang Kabayo") as Samantha, one of Peter's nosy relatives. In this Vice Ganda comedy, Ms. Pinto exposed herself as having the intuitive sincerity of a shoe brush. And what's with all these roles with names much like hers? Samantha in "Petrang Kabayo", Samara in "Si Agimat at Si Enteng Kabisote". She loves to be "full of herself", doesn't she? ;->

15. Rob Da Silva ("Lagpas") as bushy browed Diego who couldn’t decide if his character was a good guy, a bad guy or that gay guy who loves to take his briefs off.

Puntod - Chronicles of Agony

Cesar Apolinario's "Puntod"is 2010's very first Filipino movie offering! Having mentioned that, we expected a lot from this digital film. But whatever promise it has is foreshadowed by its English title - "Baby's Tomb" - which spells grief, grief and more grief! From the get-go, we had an inkling of how the story would end. The main character is a lachrymous mute named Baby (the pretty Barbie Forteza), who scavenges for scraps and left-overs to earn money.

Baby should eventually die. Otherwise, she wouldn't possess a tomb of her own, right? Right!

Spoilers!

But the narrative that leads to her demise is a convoluted headache of a story rife with heartaches (her mother was run over by a jeep; her father is blind; her well-meaning friend/teacher gets raped; her close friend gets shot) and abuses (her older sister is a bitch of a witch who shrieks to high heavens from dawn til sundown). Then from out of the blue, an awkwardly sequenced anti-climactic shootout ensues that came out of nowhere! But wait! It didn't end there. It couldn't - since Baby was still walking, and don't we expect her lying in a coffin - stiff and cold? Well, that eventually happened! Thank heavens.

Forteza is appealing, but she is mostly misdirected. Her scenes are a continuous montage of annoying cries and sobs and wails. I barely succeeded hanging on and staying put, and finishing the film that felt 3 hours long! No, sir, it's just 1 hour and 10 minutes or so, but it felt like a bundle of sacrifice. On the plus side: Mark Gil's Mang Delfin is engaging; and there's a crisp and luminous cinematography!

But the performance of note was turned in by Sheree. She was shrill and an annoying cardboard-cutout! I wanted her ejected out of "Puntod." She should star in another movie all her own - a movie that I won't be too lucky to pay P160 for! (Nilagnat po kasi ako eh!)