G.A. Villafuerte's "Harot: Puso Ang Kikirot" - The Art of Dumping

Beejay (Richard Crisostomo) is in no rush to tie the knot with girl friend Jane (Ishang Fernandez) who’s putting the pressure on him. It has been two years since the couple decided to live together, but Beejay’s career as a photographer hasn’t taken off. And Jane’s mother is getting impatient. But things are looking up. Sarah (Merrylyn Quibingco), Jane’s friend, has scheduled photo shoots with Beejay whose calendar is filling up fast. And Randell (Icer Abella, below), Sarah’s ex boy friend, has repeat sessions with Beejay to muscle up his modeling portfolio. 

One day, Beejay’s assistant Jona (Francis Cariaso) comes home with his boss’ laboratory results. Beejay is more than surprised to learn that he tested HIV positive. What bothers him more was his concupiscent dalliances with both Sarah and Randell. Has he infected Jane, Sarah and Randell? As he walks away from home, Beejay turns introspective. He tearfully asks himself: “Kung pumapatol ba sa kapwa ay bading na rin?” Seriously? He's more concerned with labels now than his medical condition.

Such ponderous moment had me laughing in stitches, I was ready to roll down the floor with overflowing hilarity. People with such mind set are usually not turned into directors or storytellers; they’re better off sent up the mountains to plant camote or okra – and even more appropriately, talong (eggplant)! Now isn't this a more productive, albeit nutritious career?

Director G.A Villafuerte cluelessly thows these fatuous and puerile lines one would expect from 4 year old kids – or anyone with an underdeveloped level of comprehension. Like other G.A. Villafuerte films, his characters have polysemous sexuality. There is no distinction between straights and homosexuals; their sexual persuasions are as ambiguous as the story teller’s capacity to shape believable characters or envision valid story lines. How else do you reconcile a thinking mind with someone who chooses to open his film with his protagonist taking a dump! Yes, the first few minutes has Crisostomo displaying his very healthy backside (as he wakes up in bed) before going to the toilet to (drum roll please) defecate! Inspiring, right? I actually thought it was going to be the requisite shower scene, which eventually and predictably came soon enough. Talk about scenographic variety.

Richard Crisostomo (above) is a relaxed performer although he isn't emotionally required to do much, not even when he learns of his affliction. The same demeanor is true where his requisite shower scenes are concerned. And, if you don’t blink, you’d see his shrunken bits. By this, I mean a degree of shriveling is evident. Icer Abella on the other hand, is more enthusiastic than competent. The two gentlemen are a study in contrast. While Crisostomo is “hunky”, Abella is “twinky”. On the other hand, Ishang Fernandez and Merrylyn Quibingco have a limited share of the spotlight. Fernandez figures in a shower scene. As I've said before, “showers” are the be-all and end-all of a Villafuerte movie. Other than that, there’s not much to discuss.

Funny things: Instead of fleshing out his story with something real, Villafuerte instead concerns himself with less important aspects, like assigning complete names for all his characters. If a pet animal was in the cast, I was sure it would have its own surname. In another scene, when Sarah related an anecdote on how a friend saw her ex-boyfriend cheat on her, Merrylyn Quibingco (who plays Sarah) quipped, "She confronted to me." She, of course, meant "confided". Where's the English doctor when you need one? There's always Tagalog, unless she was born with the Queen's tongue. "Ipinagtapat nya sa akin" - there. Isn't that easier?

Sometimes one wonders if Villafuerte ever takes stock of his body of work when not a single title from his ouvre is worth anything except as time fillers. This situation is probably like waking up one morning and finding out that all your collections weren't gold, but mounds of cow dung! Surely you can't be pleased with that situation - unless you're the fly that hovers over these stinking end products.When Villafuerte decides to open this film with his lead star moving his bowel, you realize that there's metaphor there somewhere.

Icer Abella

G.A. Villafuerte’s “Ex-Men” – Ligo na U, Ligo na We

Majority of the characters in G.A. Villafuerte’s “Ex-Men” had to endure their individual shower scenes. To break the monotony, there would be occasional shower pairings. In fact, if these bathing scenes were pieced together, they’d easily constitute more than half the running time of the movie, leaving not enough to develop a valid story. But telling a legible one was never among Villafuerte’s goals - or talent. If you thought cinema was meant to "tell tales", "educate and inform" or "entertain", you’d be hard pressed to pick an adequate raison d’être here. None of it is in the aforementioned. "To titillate?" Nah, not even that.

STORY

After overcoming upheavals in his finances and romance, Jayco’s (Jay Enriquez) fortune is starting to turn around. He has a well-paying job that that allows him to pay off his loan, saving his house from foreclosure. Moreover, he’s in a loving relationship with Brixx (Ichiro Lopez), a former rent boy who now lives with him.

But circumstances could rock Jayco’s peaceful existence: His brother Gerry (Jace Flores), along with pregnant wife Isay (Renee Gozon), needs temporary shelter. Why not, enthuses Mama Bong (Jobben Bello), who convinces Jayco that it’s his brotherly duty to help “dahil ikaw ang may kakayahang tumulong.” Strangers have done less for others. Jayco’s concern is, they've never agreed on anything in the past. 

On Jayco and Brixx’s first year anniversary, a motley crew of characters get invited, including Ervin (Marco Ronquillo), the uncle who once took advantage of Jayco’s erstwhile misfortune; Brixx’s mother (Elona Mendoza, also billed as executive producer); Jayco’s ex Kean (Chris Samson ), who left when Jayco’s fortunes dwindled; Kean’s new lover Glenn (Gary Guarino); and Norris (JR Alcaraz), Brixx’s former customer. This rendezvous of old and new acquaintances becomes a test as each character has to face some unresolved issues.

What follows is a series of banal events - spin the bottle (quite predictably), a drinking spree, an orgy of four that one of them refers as “threesome” (let’s teach the dingbat-writer how to count, alright?). As if this wasn't enough, caterwauling ensues; one that would try the audience’s patience against the most irritating and petty arguments.

G.A Villafuerte populates his stories with a dozen characters he has absolutely no aptitude to develop or explore. But then, more people means more showers, right? Hell would freeze over without someone soaping away his intimates. 

Even GMA 7’s former castaway Jace Flores had to scrub away his muscular grime to fulfil Villafuerte's myopic vision. What’s funny is how Villafuerte wasn't able to convince Flores to show his wares. Unlike other male characters where a camera would run through every inch of the actor’s state of undress, Villafuerte could only show Flores' tattooed shoulders. Takot si Ate.

But what Flores refuses to show, Jay Enriquez (in)adequately provides. Generous Jay has a fleeting frontal scene (so don't blink when he's showering). Let me tell you, it wasn't an angry inch, so to speak. A few centimeters was more like it.

The film has a party scene that's unnecessarily protracted, thus aimless. I knew I lost a good part of sanity just waiting for the whole darn revelry to unwrap. It was 15 minutes or so of kitchen preparation (yup, the whole kitchen groundwork wasn't even edited out, but employed as time-filler to stretch his 5-minute story).  It was like watching a bad cooking show without anybody cooking. 

In one of the story's arguments, Brixx was so disoriented that all he could mutter was a repeated line: “Sa akin ka naman galit, huwag kang mandamay ng iba!” Three times he spewed and belched like it was the only line he could remember from a three-page script; each one as undecided as the next – he even buckled on his third try I laughed so hard. I suspected this was really designed as comedy! When Jayco calmed down, he said, “Hayaan nyo akong mag-isip at hanapin ang tunay na ako!” Deep, debah? I didn't know he vanished.

In another scene, Brixx was trying to convince his mother that Jayco’s a good man. He tells her, “Mabait yun, Ma. Tinulungan nga ako nun noong naglalakad ako sa daan.” I didn't realize he needed help to walk. He didn't seem physically impaired to require assistance. In fact, he did strenuous activities in bed that necessitated perfect lower extremity mobility, I swear. These lines make you wonder if someone is actually writing these scripts. Or has Elvis left the building? ;)

A couple of scenes, both involving Guarino and Samson (who play lovers), did not have audio at all so I thought it was an exercise of miming. Where was the anonymous sign-language lady? Villafuerte just forgot his microphone. Though easily rectifiable, the scene stays in the movie. Did the director even bother to fix these? Ineptitude and laziness are major factors why such Pink directors do not achieve a degree of respectability.

Gary Guarino shares the shower with Chris Samson.

Jay Enriquez (left) shares inches more, but his burgeoning “feminine” side is off-putting. He gets “softer” by the minute. If this was pure acting, he might as well earn a Famas for his vicarious artistic persuasion. Ichiro Lopez, despite his small stature, registers well on screen, but he desperately struggles with his lines. Gary Guarino carries himself well and reminds me of the masculine charisma of Jeff Luna. Unfortunately, he wasn't tasked to do much but cavort (vigorously) in bed – or do these extremely crucial shower scenes.

Christopher Samson, if you're not aware, has a degree of fame as It's Showtime's Coco Martin kalokalike.  And he bravely shows his inches in a frontal shower scene (but for Villafuerte's eyes only) with Guarino (above). He also cavorts in bed for a couple more scenes. Very limber indeed. Was Coco ever this generous for Brillante Mendoza? Uh, yes. he was for "Masahista" and "Serbis", wasn't he? The biggest question is: What is Jace Flores doing in a film like “Ex-Men”? But then, what was Kristoffer King doing in Villafuerte's "Sayaw"? Or Jef Gaitan in the same brilliant director's "Dilig"? Desperation sometimes prods people to do the most ridiculous things. Maybe Jace will finally accede to showing what's way way down below the tattoos in Villafuerte's next two-dozen films?

Before I forget, the movie title is nothing but a bad word play on the prefix “ex” (former) and “men”, and has nothing to do with coming out of the closet. The story teller is too inept to handle such narrative dilemma. Thus he comes up with “Ex-Men” – men who were “former lovers/customers”, like Kean and Norris in the story. Brilliant idea, right? Burst of genius, I confer.  

POSTER CHILD

Villafuerte is the poster child of “artistic bankruptcy”. His stories repeat like a recycled vomitus. Heck, even his setting is recycled. The house used here is the very same structure he employed in “Pilyo”, shown one week before this. Even his blockings are familiar. There’s threadbare development of characters. Several scenes suffer from Meralco outages. Moreover, his plot uncharacteristically conflagrates into undeserved tension. Blink and you suddenly get shouting matches and high wattage melodrama.

Where did Villafuerte “unlearn” his screenwriting skill? This seems relevant because we don’t want others following his disputable knack for making the most opprobrious body of work. That he finds pleasure in getting mentioned here in Blush - as a director of ill repute and vacuous artistry - is really a testament to his simple mindedness. Bad publicity is never good if he never learns from his mistakes, which are a dime a dozen, oft repeated from one movie to the next. And what nincompoop considers a movie review as publicity? It is unfortunate that mediocrity is incurable. If it could kill people the way a malignant cancer does, he’d have been buried 20 films ago.  

      

Jace Flores: What is he doing in a B-exploitation film?

Gary Guarino

Chris Samson, Coco Martin's bespectacled kalokalike in It's Showtime!

G.A. Villafuerte's Pilyo - Of Unflattering Appendages and Perfect Roles

Cocoy (Ace Toledo) leaves the province to stay with the De Guias for a month. What welcomes him is a household wrapped in its own troubles. Dominic (JM Martinez) and his wife Lena (Renee Gozon) are preoccupied with problems at work. Zero (JM Christophers), Dominic’s brother, is in a turbulent relationship with his perfidious lover Terrence (Kael Reyes). Meanwhile, Cherry (Kin Chai), Zero’s friend, just broke up with Nathan (Roldan Torres), Dominic’s officemate.

Trust the young Cocoy to comfortably insinuate himself in their domestic strife. He nurses Cherry’s broken heart and secretly accommodates Terrence’s sexual advances. Moreover, in his drunken stupor, he imposes himself to Zero who’s all too willing to share his errr… shortcomings. Oh how they merrily roll along.

One day, Zero and Cherry catch Terrence manhandling Cocoy’s ultra delectable joystick, and all hell break loose. What becomes of our naughty protagonist?

Like most G.A. Villafuerte  movies, the protagonist carries a polysemous sexuality, as ambiguous as the situations that Villafuerte concocts for his trivial plots. 

In the past, some of his characters – a gardener, plumber, student, call center agent, teacher , etc.– enjoy sexual dalliance with the opposite sex then just as easily shift their preference with the blink of an eye. No side stories. There is, in fact, no real sense of truth where sexuality is concerned; just caricatures from the writer’s excruciatingly limited insight on storytelling.

While it is true that the new millennium has ushered an age of sexual liberation, most individuals have well defined sexual preference or gender identification. In "Pilyo", our protagonist Cocoy shows no sign of "gayness" - not in any manner or persuasion, thus when he hooks up with Cherry, there were no surprises. But when he suddenly locked lips with Terrence without a hint of tension, you knew you were dealing with a fantastical flight of fancy. In fact, he even set Zero up to have sex with him. This was how Villafuerte interprets "pilyo" - and "naughty" suddenly meant "sexual ambiguity". To Villafuerte's mind, the earth-shaking dilemma is, and I quote, "Maaamin na ba niyang siya ay pilyo?" Have you ever heard of a more insipid predicament? To stretch his emaciated plot, he peppers his scenes with an array of shower scenes: 3 (or 4) in this movie, including one that has scarred me for life.

Renee Gozon and JM Martinez play Mr. & Mrs. De Guia - and nothing much really.

SCARRED FOR LIFE

The scene in question: Frustrated Cherry drowns out her sorrow by showering it off. She grimaces and sobs as though this was her ticket to the next Urian derby, while she soaps her naked body. What we witnessed before us was the ugliest whimpering we've ever seen in Philippine Cinema coupled with several seconds of the smallest mounds of female breasts to have graced the silver screen. I thought we were traipsing on pedophilous territory. Heck, Ace Toledo has bigger man-boobs. The point being: if one has to showcase a physical appendage for a perving audience, there’d be more positive feedback if you showed something that has “fully grown”. Same point in a shower scene involving JM Christophers (playing Zero) who bravely faced the camera for a split second to display what could be a misplaced “thumb”? If you can’t get a legible story on screen, then a director might as well highlight the flattering “tidbits” of his stars, right? 

Now why are we discussing appendages? Simple. There’s nothing meritorious about the story, the performances or the film making prowess. The scenes are carelessly shot, you’d hear dogs barking loudly during confrontations. How about a camera that suddenly tilts? Or goes out of frame? In a make-out scene involving Cocoy and Zero, you’d suddenly catch someone remove a stool at the foot of the bed while the couple lip lock. These are easily remediable matters if the director really cared about his end product.

PERFECT ROLE

Another scene has a very stiff Francis Cariaso, a make-up artist who constantly moonlights as an actor in Villafuerte flicks. He even played the stiffest ghost we've seen in Villafuerte's "Ghost Lover". In "Pilyo", Cariaso plays a punctilious office boss who does nothing but shout. Trouble is, Cariaso cannot act if his life depended on it. He is so stony, mechanical, impliable and awkward that it’s palpably painful to look at him. I had bruxism watching Cariaso. If he stayed longer than his given screen time, he’d disintegrate into pieces. Now why would any director want a ham portray any character in his films?

I know a role perfect for Cariaso – as bit player (think Vilma Santos in “Ekstra”) for a story that requires bodies placed inside coffins. He would be perfect for it. He’d make the perfect rigor mortis!      

Zero (JM Christophers) and lover Terrence (Kael Reyes)

JM Christophers does his GA Villafuerte rite of passage - the "shower scene"! ;)

Kin Chai going for Famas gold!

Ace Toledo in his first title role.

G.A. Villafuerte's Ghost Lover - Horrific Spareness of Acumen

It’s been awhile since I last wrote about a Pink Film, but people just obviously love my rants about this genre that despite paucity of blog entries in Blush, this site still averages 250 to 400 page views a day! How's that for an inactive blogsite? Before I serve the annual “Best and Worst of 2013”, here’s my “gift” to the pink lovers. 

Film year 2014 has officially started with the release of G.A. Villafuerte’s “Ghost Lover”, before it shifts into high gear next week with Robin Padilla’s “Sa Ngalan ng Ama, ng Ina at Mga Anak”, Benito Bautista’s “Mumbai Love”, and Mae Czarina Cruz’s “Bride for Rent”.

CAPSULE

When Josh (Alvin Duckert), a violinist, and his girlfriend Dianne (Renee Gozon) moved to a recently departed aunt’s old house, they didn't realize they were sharing it with its restless, albeit phantasmal inhabitants. Doors shut at will; persistent knocks are heard in the wee hours; and the weirdest thing: Mobile phones lose signal. Eh? “Di ko siya ma-contact. Ang weird,” remarked Josh who must have never heard of poor signal from Globe and Smart telecom. To keep it interesting, Josh’s cousin and friends join the fray for a rather dubious excuse of a holiday. The young couple hasn't quite settled down, yet they already have guests. How fun.

FAMILIAR TERRITORY

Director G.A. Villafuerte once again dabbles awkwardly into familiar territory (“Lihim ng mga Nympha”, “Bahid”) but like previous efforts, the end product is nothing short of elementary. The sound is uneven; most conversations are unintelligible, scenes are underlit and cinematography is typically Villafuerte’ish, i.e. appalling. You get the nagging suspicion that his scenes were shot using a cellphone camera. This director likewise boasts of having done 15 flicks in film year 2013. Not even box-office director Wenn Deramas can duplicate that feat, having only released 4 movies last year. Unfortunately, Villafuerte’s acumen remains spare of any proof of film making adeptness or writing prolificity.

It’s been 3 years since Villafuerte’s directorial debut but he never acquired mastery of the medium, except for his propensity to finish principal photography in 24 hours. Imagine a gag-inducing flick like “My Little Bossings” shooting for, say two months. For that duration, Villafuerte is capable of churning out 60 flicks ready for exhibition in dingy, sperm-coated, third-rate movie houses. Such source of inspiration, debah?

Alvin Duckert, Renee Gozon and RJ Saycon

Alvin Duckert, also seen in Villafuerte’s “Bagong Paligo” last year, returns to display his bratwurst in two shower scenes. After all, what’s a Villafuerte flick without his male leads tintinnabulating their bells in sheer wetness? This sublime scene was punctuated by Alvin’s use of a foamy shampoo as he lathers his derriere with raw determination. In another scene, a spirit (of a jealous girl) possesses Josh – which conveniently sets the stage for a man-on-man action between Duckert and newcomer RJ Saycon who plays Xander, Josh's childhood friend. In another scene, Ace Toledo’s character Luke couldn't contain his urges so he plays with himself while two of his friends (one of them female) sleep closely beside him. Couldn't he even rush to the bathroom for an accomplished and satisfying, errr… manhandling?

But let’s attribute all these inanities to the director’s myopic vision and extremely limited imagination. Case in point: In his epilogue, the last scene has our characters driving away from the house. Just when we thought they've rid themselves of those pesky ghosts, Josh suddenly kisses Xander, imputing Josh’s possession. Hasn't this been done before in Villafuerte’s “Lihim ng mga Nympha” where the main protagonist is suggested to still be under the influence of a nymph? And wasn't that portrayed also by Alvin Duckert who has since taken 3 dozen energetic showers in various Villafuerte flicks? And wasn't “Lihim ng mga Nympha” a shameless, unattributed remake of a better film? Barely three years into his craft and he's already repeating himself. 

Someone’s artistic aptitude (if you call it that) is in desperate need of inspiration and is dwindling fast – and it’s just January! Tsk tsk tsk.     

G.A. Villafuerte's Kapa - Grappling in the Dark

Glenn and Ronald (Miguel Alcantara and Marco Ronquillo) are best friends. While both seem to harbor feelings for each other, Glenn conceals his affection for his visually impaired friend, fearing he might lose him if he told him of his feelings. So Glenn offers Ronald occasional glimpses of happiness by setting up dates with different men, like the mild mannered Gary (Karl Matthew Garcia). Meanwhile, Glenn indulges in coupling with several men: the impulsive Drolan (Whacky Seon) and the amorous Ceejay (Kristian Marquez) with whom Glenn seems to find a more stable relationship.

Ronald, on the other hand, keeps pining for Glenn who jumps from one concupiscent bed to another. Blinded by an accident, Ronald is affectionately kept company by his brother Russel (Darwin Taylo) and his Lola Rosa (Rosemarie Ibarrita). Russel has issues of his own. He’s conflicted by the attention showered on him by Jethro (Alvin Duckert) who doesn’t hide his attraction to the wistful Russel. But something bothers Russel about Jethro which the latter solves by cleaning up his gothic image.

One day, Glenn takes Ronald out for another “blind” date set up by Ceejay. Ronald is left under the care of good looking Aljer (Xyrus Arruejo) who turns out to be the date from hell. Aljer in fact wants money and when Ronald refuses, he pummels the blind man until he’s black and blue. All hell breaks loose, of course, and Glenn gets blamed for putting Ronald’s life in peril. Glenn, meanwhile, breaks up with Ceejay for setting up the date with the devil. What becomes of Glenn and Ronald’s friendship? Will Darwin even find happiness in Jethro’s warm embrace? More importantly, will the ubiquitous loafer Sarah (Adriana Gomez) ever find another micromini to wear? Heavens, what dilemma!

Glenn and Ronald are best friends.

Russel and Jethro are also attracted with each other.

Director GA Villafuerte concocts a world that barely mirrors any hint of reality. Every darn character is a homosexual. Everyone sleeps around, even the blind! Villafuerte seems to be wallowing in his detached world of despicable characters. This director’s means of building up characters usually end up with several rigodon of bodies humping away without much passion. To be honest, it is not easy to follow any of his characters because they are defined merely by their propensity to sleep around with other ill-defined characters. This is what makes films like this hard to document. The characters are interchangeable. In fact there's nothing much in character development except that they are all horny as hell.

The performances here leave much to be desired. Miguel Alcantara depicts his role with cardboard characterization and his depiction of a garish gay man is nothing short of cringe-worthy. Marco Ronquillo, in his cinematic debut, appears stiff, making viable excuse out of his blind character. In fact, you don’t find any expression on his face, except the element of being completely emotionally dispossessed. More importantly, isn’t Ronquillo, who’s too droll to be a cinema hunk, too old to be a movie newbie?

While we like Alvin Duckert and find him “artistahin”, he has been compromised by his over enthusiasm (“Lihim ng mga Nympha”, “Butas 2”). Darwin Taylo, on the other hand, has to lighten up. He is too serious for his own sake. This is the wrong vehicle for the introspective tack. Far from it, actually. Karl Matthew Garcia shows promise although this may appear to be so because he wasn’t really given much to munch. Xyrus Arruejo looks good on screen. He was substantially sinister in his scenes. My two cents worth believes that Villafuerte, like the exploitative film maker that he is, is priming Arruejo for “bigger” things. In fact, something must be in the works to get Arruejo out of his briefs in Villafuerte’s next films. Well, there’s “Hardinero” awaiting commercial release. Wanna bet? J

Now let’s get to the sex scenes. Most of them occur within a song (one full musical strain is played) and they are shown rubbing against each other’s naked bodies before eventually expiring into droll resolution. I have in fact never seen such apathetic sexual coupling.

The script is a messy excuse of a cinematic drivel. We find Russel apologizing every time he meets Jethro and we wonder why. He avoids Jethro like the plague but when the latter cleans up himself, Russel suddenly accommodates Jethro. Such is love, debah? Pag di na mukhang nangangamoy, tanggapin na. Haha. In another scene, Russel refuses to hold Jethro’s hand, but gamely makes out – in public! So much for discretion.

When Ronald is left alone with the impatient Aljer, the latter turns off the lights. Did he forget that he was with a blind man? When Ronald refused to touch him, he went berserk: “Hindi ako nagpunta dito para babuyin!” But was he harassed? In fact he wanted to be taken advantage of. After recuperating from the mauling incident, we’re suddenly ushered in a scene that has Ronald removing eye bandage. Are we missing a narrative strain? When did he get the eye operation? Ophthalmological surgeons and corneal specialists never do their post-operative follow ups in a patient’s home! They require the use of slit lamps and indirect ophthalmoscopy for this! Moreover, corneal transplants for both eyes are never done in a single schedule! Villafuerte’s laziness and cluelessness really show in these simple scenes.

“Kapa” is further hobbled by an uneven sound and the film maker’s utter neglect to room tone, thus in several scenes, you could hardly hear any part of the conversation – like when Russel met Jethro at a restaurant beside a Tagaytay road. Now tell me, how does one expect a legible story to unravel when they aren't even intelligible? Villafuerte doesn’t care. All he’s after are the intermittent peekaboos of his actors’ peckers. Yet his film’s posters call this “a new masterpiece”! Please excuse me while I vomit. 

The nerve, really!

Miguel Alcantara and Marco Ronquillo

Darwin Taylo and Kristian Marquez

Alvin Duckert: As enthusiastic in his performance as he is flashing his Eurasian jewels.

Whacky Seon: He seconds the motion re: flashing his Asian jewels. :)

Kart Matthew Garcia

Xyrus Arruejo plays the homophobe Aljer. Watch him flash HIS family jewels in his next GA Villafuerte film. :)

Masterpiece daw oh! LOL What is the world coming to! 

G.A. Villafuerte's Bahid - Delusion of Appearance

Agatha Christie is the queen of whodunits. Though she's been dead for 35 years, her legacy lives on as she is survived by her bestselling novels and a play (“The Mousetrap”) that holds the record for the theatre’s longest initial run: it opened at the Ambassadors Theatre in London on November 25, 1952 and as of 2011 is still running after more than 24,000 performances. More than this record, she was known to have written nail-biting stories of murder surrounded by a milieu of suspense and a mastery on plotting and characterization. She presents a lineup of characters, seemingly normal and others eccentric, and then lets her audience/readers guess: who’s the killer?

G.A. Villafuerte’s “Bahid” subscribes to such artifice to tweak his Pink Film ouvre, albeit with grievously disappointing results.

When lovers Glen and Vivian (Lawrence Manalo and Honey Lopez respectively) visit her godfather in Pampanga, she didn’t except her ninong to have come out of the closet. They were grandiosely welcomed with open arms, but they have discovered in ninong a boisterous aristarch who nags and complains about everything. Michael has become Madam Michelle who is loud and detested by the people around him. In this “mansion”, we are introduced to a cadre of characters which includes a trio of gay friends (Kahlel Urdaneta, Rjames Villaran, Jay-r Alcaraz), a sexually ambivalent gardener Lando (Miguel Alcantara, who appears half naked most of his screen time), maids Clara, Rosario and Magda, the driver Mang Dante, and house custodian Nanay Lydia (Tart Carlos).

Plot thickens when people start disappearing. In fact, Madam Michelle is soon found murdered on his bed. Who has a motive to these crimes?

You start getting concerned with the intellectual capacity of these characters when, despite all the killings or disappearance, no one leaves the compound. What were they waiting exactly? We later find out, of course, when the story climaxes in a dark basement. The lost characters have been found: blindfolded and tied down, but not gagged. Otherwise, this would inhibit the staging of a rather rambunctious, annoying and ultimately noisy scene when the perpetrator finally meets the victims.

The film divides its focus between perfunctory couplings, really trite unimaginative bed scenes, involving our characters (and showcasing Miguel Alcantara’s enviable physique as he lures both men and women to his bed) and the whodunit chapter. Unfortunately, there isn’t much aptitude involved in the film making process, and the actors are left to their own devices, giving way to the annoying excesses of some actors, particularly the one playing Madam Michelle and, more importantly, Tart Carlos’ Nanay Lydia who deserves a crown for her histrionic turn. Yup, there’s the “nanlilisik ang mata” staple here; the harsh and heavy-handed delivery; the demented witch countenance, and the excruciating swagger of thespic desperation! This was her 10-seconds of fame. She might as well get noticed! LOL

And wait for an intriguing epilogue that would put the befuddling “Inception” or even DiCaprio's "Shutter Island" to shame!

Madam Michelle (center) chastises everyone: "Nasaan si Magda? Ba't hindi s'ya nagpapaalam. masakit na ang tumbong ko sa katatalak!"

Clueless policemen

The performances are cringe-worthy and stumped. They either sleepwalk, summon a monotonal delivery or appear perplexed (Reference #1: basement scene; Reference #2: When they found the missing cellphone at the driver’s quarters). I could swear that the driver has more intuition than all of the characters combined.

The production is also hobbled by inaudible delivery of lines that are mostly muddled by room tone: a dog that keeps barking, a nearby hammering, the frolic of children playing, a motorcycle passing by intermittently. These transient sounds were largely ignored as though they wouldn’t make it in the final cut; a testament to the film maker’s carelessness and indolence, or his discombobulation to the medium.

What’s the best thing about “Bahid”? Aside from finally leaving the cinema hall? The theatrical posters! There are a couple that would have you believe that this was a sophisticated production, and that people behind it knew what they were doing. See what the delusion of appearance imparts?

In a scene representative of its inattention to detail, a maid picks up a tray, looks at the camera like she sees the Holy Grail, and leaves with a nonchalant, “Iwan ko muna kayo riyan”. How can you resist such utter ingenuity?

Lawrence Manalo


Honey Lopez


Miguel Alcantara (above and below)





Rjames Villaran


Jay-r Alcaraz

Who do we crucify?