"Distance", "Kuya Wes", "ML" and "Pan de Salawal" - The Best of Cinemalaya 2018

Cinemalaya's main features this year are inhabited by damaged souls with crushed spirits. In this post alone, there's a variety of them. A woman grieves for the death of her lover. A devastatingly lonely man finds amusement and enchantment in a married woman. A spooky old man entertains a young student for an interview about his checkered past. A solitary baker suffering from a debilitating kidney disease gets a modicum of affection from an eccentric child with healing powers. We've earlier written about Kip Oebanda's "Liway". To round up Cinemalaya's best films this year, here are the 4 other entries we loved.

In Perci Intalan's "Distance", five years after abandoning her family, estranged wife Liza (Iza Calzado) gets an invitation from husband Anton (Nonie Buencamino) to return to their family but without the knowledge of daughters Karla (Therese Malvar) and Therese (Alessandra Malonzo). 

Without any precondition, explanation or apology, Liza resumes her place in the household: cooking their favorite dish, driving the girls to school, attending school events, and taking them out to shop. But this doesn't sit well with daughter Karla who struggles to understand their situation. Is Liza staying for good? It doesn't help that Karla is attempting to ignore her feelings for her young teacher Adi (Adrianna So). Karla's ambivalence is more deeply rooted. She knew why her mother left - to be with their Tita Jen (Max Eigenmann).

"Distance" was my early favorite because it deftly captured the brass tacks of fixing a broken relationship that initially seemed irreparable. How does one offer forgiveness when an apology isn't even offered? Is being true to oneself worse than emotional pretense? 

The story fields questions about "loving" and they are something to chew on: Is there a limit to loving someone? Would you love a person even when you know it will turn to a personal tragedy?

The movie is Intalan's finest work to date. It also shows his evolving acumen for a compelling story telling, too far removed from the director's "My Fairy Tale Love Story" (2018), "Flight 666" (Shake, Rattle and Roll XV) and "Dementia" (2014). If I didn't know this was his masterwork, I wouldn't have guessed. 

Scenes rankle with tension from the opening shot that escalates and ultimately leads to a satisfying confrontation. Watching Karla's accusatory spiel felt cathartic. I have to take my hats off to Therese Malvar's thespic grit.

"Distance" delivers a focused story with a narrative progression that's constantly thought provoking. Credit also goes to the consistently even performances of the ensemble. It's hard to pick a standout though Calzado enveigles a lot of empathy. How I have missed watching this stellar actress tackle a character on screen worthy of her exemplary talent.

To be honest, we didn't expect much from James Robin Mayo's "Kuya Wes". But such was my surprise when the movie turned out more than watchable.

In the story, a perpetually joyless cash remittance clerk Wes (Ogie Alcasid) is captivated by regular customer Ericka (Ina Raymundo), a married woman with two children. So he eagerly waits for the woman every 16th of the month to claim remittance from her husband who works overseas. 

Meanwhile, Wes comes home to his younger brother's (Alex Medina) family where he is ignored, but for the occasional interaction when he gets asked to pay for the household bills - or wash his pamangkin's uniforms. Though mostly, he acquiesces, Wes' loneliness turns interesting when Ericka starts acknowledging his presence. One day, Ericka arrives but learns that no money was sent. So Wes hands money from his pocket. Will this take their relationship to the next level? With the prodding of co-worker Joy (Moi Bien), would Ericka agree if he asked her out for a 'friendly" date? 

"Kuya Wes" is told in a light manner with deceptively comic relishes; a character study that tackles loneliness and the length people are willing to do to snag happiness. The story includes an adorable lineup of quirky characters that graces Wes' little world. But what drew me to the story was his moments of utter desolation - when he comes home and no one minds the candies he brings for his niece and nephew; when he's left at home while his brother takes his family out; when people constantly "forgets" that he's allergic to chicken; and when he gradually retreats to the confines of his small room. 

I was reminded of John Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men" where many of the characters struggle with loneliness. Different people cope different ways, but Wes decided to literally put his money where his heart is. What followed was an unsettling chapter that would make people evaluate their relationship with others. Kindness doesn't always beget kindness. It pays to be pragmatic when material objects are the ones bridging relationships. Despite Wes' unfortunate situation, we ultimately felt catharsis. 

Needless to say, Ogie Alcasid inhabits his character like hands to a glove as though it was written for him. We cannot think of another actor to portray this protagonist. Moi Bien returns to Cinemalaya after last year's hilarious turn in "Ang Pamilyang Hindi Lumuluha". She plays the adorable co-worker who provides a shoulder to cry on when everyone else has turned their backs on him. Sniff sniff.

In Benedict Mique's "ML", when a history teacher (Jojit Lorenzo) discusses the topic of Marcos-era monstrosities, school jock Carlo (Tony Labrusca) and friends contradict him. For them, it was a time of opulence and discipline. So the teacher assigns his class to interview personalities who lived through the Martial Law years.

Carlo then invites himself to his neighbor's home where a retired colonel lives alone. Little did he realize that this will give him first hand experience of the horrors of Martial Law as Colonel Jose Zabala dela Cruz (Eddie Garcia) takes him in. 

Before long, Carlo finds himself tied and gagged in a basement. In the 74-year old colonel's demented confusion, Carlo is a rebel and subjects him to intense interrogation and torture. What's worse, the colonel even lures Carlo's friend Jaze (Henz Villaraiz) and girlfriend Pat (Lianne Valentino) to join him. 

The film takes its viewers to a harrowing descent into madness as the Marcos-worshiping Duterte-apologist subjects his "suspects" to the various methods of torture. The movie is disconcerting, exhausting and very visceral, you keep squirming in your seat as you watch the protagonists' helplessness. The film mirrors the twisted mind of authoritarian rulers whose noble idea of dealing with the "dregs of society" is one of annihilation than reformation. We're very aware of that kind. It likewise mirrors the dichotomous persona of Garcia's character: doting grandfather to his grandchildren yet a vicious, merciless murderous cow.

Mique's work reminds me of Eli Roth although this one's way scarier because its close to home. These atrocities were inflicted on thousands of Filipinos who lived during the Marcos rule. The movie is R-16 and rightfully so.

I went out of the cinema shivering.

Che Espiritu's "Pan de Salawal" is a delightful narrative stroll into the lives of ailing people who reside at a railway community in Manila. Their lives change when a strange multi-lingual street urchin, Aguy (the remarkable Miel Espinosa) comes into their lives.

Sal (Bodjie Pascua), the lonely baker, suffers from an impending kidney failure. In the same community, a barber (Ian Lomongo) has involuntary tremors of his hands. A handsome meat vendor (Felix Roco) refuses to pursue his affection to a beautiful neighbor (Anna Luna) because of his deformed leg. Mang Bruno (Soliman Cruz) is petrified of the growing lump on his breast. A former Carinosa dancer (Ruby Ruiz) sits on a wheel chair, debilitated by stroke. And little Aguy has an unusual method of healing them - she hurts them! Unfortunately, her magical powers don't seem to work for Sal who has taken Aguy out of homelessness. What to do.

The film presents a motley crew of quirky characters to populate this endearing dramedy. Mostly though, a touch of magic realism buoys this fantastical story of levity and hope. We dance on our seat as we watch the town celebrate life after Aguy heals them - all in one go. 

The performances are top notch. Miel Espinosa as Aguy is amazing. Bodjie Pascua has a commanding presence but could have depicted Mang Sal with a little less of his Batibot persona as we find his usual vocal affectations and fractured delivery occasionally awkward and discomfiting. Example: When he invites the child to his home for shelter, he would stutter as though embarrassed talking to a 7-year old child, which doesn't make sense to me. Why is an adult stuttering in front of a homeless child? 

Some people would wonder about the nature of Aguy's healing powers. But such is the wonder of magic realism where realistic narrative and naturalistic techniques are combined with surreal elements of fantasy. This works perfectly here. If you just sit and imbibe the struggles of each character, there's a lot to take in - and enjoy. 

"Pan de Salawal" is the kind that wins Audience Awards because it is a joy to watch.








#cinemalaya2018   #distance   #kuyawes    #ML   #pandesalawal   #moviereviews   #bestofcinemalaya   # liway

Chris Martinez's I Do Bidoo Bidoo - Rousing and Joyful

Rocky Polotan and Tracy Fuentebella (Sam Concepcion and Tippy Dos Santos) are a young couple who enjoy a loving relationship. But when the latter finds out that she’s pregnant, they instigate a maelstrom of affliction that places both of their families in a quandary. While Tracy’s folks flounder in their affluent milieu, Rocky’s parents are persistently burdened by incoming bills. Pol (Ogie Alcasid), Rock’s father - a musician who has a single hit song to his name – subsists by giving guitar lessons to the children in his neighborhood. He’s mostly frustrated and uninspired by his misfortune. Rose (Eugene Domingo), his wife, struggles with her catering service.

The day the Polotans visit the farm villa of the Fuentebellas for the “pamanhikan” (asking for Tracy’s hand in marriage), the rudely gaping social discrepancy between the two families becomes painfully apparent. While Tracy’s dad Nick (Gary Valenciano) seems to calmly take everything in stride, mom Elaine (Zsa zsa Padilla) is conflicted. She sees a vicious cycle in her daughter – and she doesn’t want Tracy “to feel trapped in a loveless relationship”. At least wait until you’re older, she suggests. But the repercussions of having a child out of wedlock is a nagging concern for the Fuentebellas, and a stigma they’d rather spare Tracy from. “Atin ang babae,” Nick would reason out. Though Rocky is a board certified nurse, he is unemployed just yet. And Tracy’s strait-laced grandfather (Jaime Fabregas), a former military sergeant, isn’t compelled by tact or false civility to keep his thoughts. Over lunch, he unravels them. He does not want Tracy to wed Rocky who does not deserve his granddaughter.

Soon, insults are thrown around and fisticuffs ensue. The Polotans walk out with contused faces and bruised egos. Rocky and Tracy’s impending wedding is unceremoniously called off. What becomes of our star-crossed lovers? Is there happy-ever-after in a musical narrative? Guess.

Syotang Pa-Class

Doo Bidoo

Writer and director Chris Martinez concocts a delectable Romeo-and-Juliet tale by sumptuously utilizing the music of Apo Hiking Society. This cerebral exercise is so meticulously formulated that the songs of a generation – so familiar that they’re almost prosaic, seasoned, and common place – suddenly gain context for a new generation of music lovers. In fact, these songs feel like they’ve been written for the given narrative. Moreover, you cannot deny the timelessness of these musical ouvre. You further realize that these were a few of the songs hummed to you by your father; hymns of a lifetime once played on vinyl records now safely tucked away in some decrepit basement.

What’s more impressive is how Martinez is able to exquisitely insinuate contemporary issues into his seemingly mundane musical romcom: unemployment and the diaspora of the modern immigrants (“Blue Jeans”: Sige kayod sa skwela at balang araw makikita nyo. Pagkatapos ng iyong paghihirap, ‘Di ka rin makakahanap ng trabaho); teenage pregnancy (“Batang Bata Ka Pa” – Nagkakamali ka kung akala mo na ang buhay ay isang mumunting paraiso lamang); class wars, homosexuality (“Mahirap Talagang Magmahal ng Syota ng Iba”), etc. “Blue Jeans” is particularly surprising because the concerns of the 70’s vividly resonate almost 40 years later. It makes you wonder if the lives of that generation aren’t all that different compared to ours. Why do we have similar concerns? Have social conditions deteriorated since the turn of the century?

Sam Concepcion sizzles with an earnest performance that bristles with charm, pathos and urgency. Most singers would have trouble with cinematic emotions, but impassioned Concepcion hits all the right notes! In fact, it’s hard to consider this anything less than a career high. Tippy Dos Santos is a great cinematic find. She’s easy on the eyes, sings like a lark, and tempers her lines with adequate verve and emotive skill. Ogie Alcasid shines in a surprisingly restrained turn. I’ve never considered him in dramatic light, but Alcasid is a revelation here. When he utters: “Kinahihiya mo na lang ako lagi” or “Lahat tayo, kailangan ng inspirasyon sa buhay”, your heart crumbles with palpable affection.

Zsa zsa Padilla utilizes her pent-up frustrations here; a career-best. What I admire most is how consistently she tackles Elaine, a long suffering wife eternally patient and hopeful in a loveless marriage with a hubby who mostly ignores and disdains her presence. Her sedulous take of her character is nothing short of brilliant, and her singing is impeccable. In fact, her “Tuyo ng Damdamin” rankles with regret, you just want to whisk her off her agony. Eugene Domingo balances her fretful Rose with intermittently biting lines that sent me chuckling so loud. We all know someone who nags like that: “Default mode nya yan. Laging galit!” Gary Valenciano is a little tentative with his characterization. He defines his portrayal  with large strokes fit for music videos. Fact is, this is his comeback film after almost 20 years of cinematic hiatus. Fortunately, he enjoys good chemistry with Padilla, so that's a plus!

Awit ng Barkada

I do have issues about using non-singers in singing roles, but Eugene Domingo more than passes muster, although she could have done a wee better in her “Di Na Natuto” duet with Alcasid. After all, paying homage to the songs of a generation includes singing these songs beautifully. When, Dame Judi Dench, for example, performed “Send in the Clowns” for her role in Sondheim’s wistful “A Little Night Music” at the Royal National Theatre in London, it was heartfelt, but I helplessly looked for the beautiful melody. Melodies deserve to be sung as they were written, not recited into a half-song. Anyway, Dench won the Olivier that year. Domingo is clearly inspired, and it shows. Her “Awit ng Barkada” number with Frenchie Dy (as BFF Lilibeth) and Sweet Plantado (as BFF Vicky) was a touching tribute to friendship, I had to control myself from shedding a tear because – heck! – the scene wasn’t schmaltzy! But you see, beautiful numbers just make me cry (dramatic or otherwise).

A considerable, albeit bittersweet side story involves Neil Coleta’s Brent, Rocky’s closeted best friend who’s in love with him. Though his scenes inadvertently provide humor, you can’t help but be taken by Brent’s emotional impasse. This narrative string is so beautifully written, it deserves a separate movie of its own. In fact, I am urging all the Pink Film makers to turn their attention to this film for inspiration! This short narrative detour amounts so much more than all of the Pink Films shown in 2011 combined! It is funny, empathetic and insightful. It doesn't paint the gay man as hormonal, albeit sexual predators possessing the brain of a Hydra! An important scene here involved John Lapus shedding a tear while Coleta dedicated his “Kaibigan” song to Rocky – at a videoke bar! This understated and wistful vignette was a perfect finishing touch to a cinematic Mona Lisa. It was just beautiful!  

The narrative isn’t seamless. It’s guilty of “fast resolutions” common in romcoms. It could have invested a little more time to write the gradual resolution or settlement to Rock and Tracy’s dilemma, but then I understand the limitation of time allotted for such flicks. In fact, I think I saw “Paano” in the credits, but the scene involving it didn’t make the final cut. Needless to say, one of my favorite numbers was the “Blue Jeans” dance routine involving a huge crowd in La Salle Dasmarinas. It was just kinetic, and reminded me of some scenes from Jeric Soriano’s “Hotshots” (which also starred Gary Valenciano).   

HOW APO DEFINES FILIPINOS TO OTHERS

We are a very musical nation. I remember my traveling cousin relate an anecdote about a Canadian backpacker he met in Vietnam last February (2012). The Canadian guy has a Filipina girlfriend who would take him to karaoke nights with fellow Filipinos in Vancouver. His favorite: “Ewan”! And just before my cousin could dismiss this as pure hearsay, this white man suddenly lurches into “Mahal kita, mahal kita, hindi ‘to bola…” This is a guy who doesn't have clue on who Danny Javier, Jim Paredes and Buboy Garovillo are. Yet their musical legacy encompasses race and geography. Who can say that the APOs are mere historical anamnesis? We deserve our songs encapsulated and documented in films like “I Do Bidoo Bidoo”. These songs tell our stories, and we can only be grateful for the endless pleasure they bring.

Chris Martinez’s “I Do Bidoo Bidoo: Heto nAPO Sila!” is a mirthful musical masterpiece that’s as rousing and hopeful in temperament and narrative exposition as the songs and stories of our lives. It deserves the patronage of every music-loving Pinoy. It should not be missed!  

Trading aphorisms in "Salawikain". Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala...

Contemplative Elaine sings "Tuyo ng Damdamin".

Songs featured in the movie:

1. Pumapatak na Naman ang Ulan - A recurring tune and Pol's one-and-only hit song!
2. Doo Bidoo - Cheerful number involving Ogie Alcasid and her guitar-carrying wards.
3. Syotang Pa-Class - In an exquisitely choreographed basketball dance, as Rocky describes Tracy, his syotang pa-class, and why he loves her.
4. Awit ng Barkada - Hilarious friendship song with Eugene Domingo, Frenchie Dy and Sweet Plantado
5. Panalangin - In a phone conversation at in front of an altar in a a rundown chapel.
6. Tuyo ng Damdamin - Elaine's contemplative scene comparing her daughter's situation from her own past.
7. Mahirap Magmahal - Coleta's song for his sleeping best friend on the day of their "pamanhikan".
8. Salawikain - Wonderfully choreographed "war at the dining table" scene during the "pamanhikan".
9. Nakapagtataka - On the night after the Polotans storm out from their "pamanhikan".
10. Batang Bata Ka Pa - A four-way song for the heart broken Rocky and Tracy. Rose and Nick join them.
11. Blue Jeans - A buoyant song and dance number at Rocky's university. Sam Concepcion, Neil Coleta and a huge cast dance up a storm.
12. Kaibigan - Brent's ode of affection for the grieving Rocky. John Lapus makes a short but memorable cameo.
13. Huwag Masanay sa Pagmamahal - Used in the closing credits.
14. Ewan - A playful and affectionate duet when Rocky and Tracy reunite.
15.Di Na Natuto - In a adorable scene that helps define Rose and Pol's relationship.
16. Pag-Ibig - Nick tells Elaine to stay with him.
17. Kabilugan ng Buwan - Lovers eloping.
18. Paano - Nick asks Elaine to stay. This isn't the Gary V. hit, but a less popular APO track.

Tracy's gone and the Fuentebellas react.

Boy Pick-Up The Movie - Verve and Extended Silliness

Boy Pick-Up (Ogie Alcasid) has got his “rock and roll” in place. This allows him to lord it over during the Pick-up Competition (a street-wise freestyle modern Balagtasan, if you will) where he remains undefeated. This ballsy strut allows him to survive in his own little world where he struggles with unemployment, neighborhood skirmishes, unpaid rent, and the lascivious transvestite landlord Sharona (Diego) eternally seducing him. Things perk up for the beloved protagonist when he unwittingly fills up an urgently vacated position at a newly opened Heaven’s Bakeshop – James (Victor Aliwalas), the pastry chef, was caught by his betrothed and shop owner Angel (Solenn Heussaff) in syrupy flirtation with one of the girls. With James’ departure, Boy is asked to demonstrate his specialty: the fish cake (a P20 besugo decocted with flour and a yellow polka dot bikini – huh?) Soon, every customer in the bakery is salivating for the heady, slavering aroma of the delicacy. With heavy demand queuing in the shop, disaster is averted. Boy gets hired as the shop’s popular new pastry chef – to the consternation of shop assistants Mayumi and Bogart (Survivor castaways Maey Bautista and Albert Sumaya). Moreover, Angel is irresistibly drawn to the nonchalant charm of her new employee.

Unknown to Boy, storm is brewing elsewhere. Boy Pick-up’s popularity has spawned a heart break. When Gabs’ bride (Sarah Labahti) embarrassingly drops him during her wedding march, the groom is fraught with desperation. He finds himself saved from suicide and imminent death (he almost drowned) by a mysterious character who transforms him into a goth toughie (six facial piercings, dark lipstick, dyed hair and the penetrating look of an avenging resurrection), vowing retribution for his lost love. Gabs metamorphoses to the menacing Bagwis (Dennis Trillo).

While Boy and Angel bask in their mutual fondness, Bagwis stalks the duo with menacing fervor. He must take Boy Pick-up down, but how? By taking what’s most important to him: Angel, his job, his pet fish Goldie and his championship. And at the next round, Bagwis takes all these with an easy swipe. Boy loses everything. What’s a local hero to do? With the help of Boy Back-up (Eri Neeman), Boy enlists the help of the “Master” (Joey “Pepe” Smith) to regain his “rock and roll”.  

The birth of Bagwis: from heart break to attitude.

Sharona looks like a wigged Bituin Escalante. Here, he shouts: "I don't need money! I have money!"

Ogie Alcasid and writer Aloy Adlawan pick a rambunctious segment from a popular television gag show and expound it into a cinematic piece. After all, this has a huge, albeit loyal following (netizens take the world wide web to show their appreciation through various fan pages). People who are not familiar with the characters will nonetheless find something pleasant with the film because the performances are perniciously enthusiastic, you can’t help but embrace the zaniness therein. However, there's a limit to embracing absurdity and this will eventually catch up if left protracted. After all, even humor has to have logical strain to be truly intelligible or coherent. Flights of fancy have short windows of expiration - and when inadvertently amplified, even the diverting portions will get dragged down. Like this one.

Ogie Alcasid embraces Boy Pick-up with such encompassing amplitude, you sometimes forget how silly the situations he gets himself in. Surely, there are moments of character inconsistencies: Boy Pick-up starts with a pucker, a protruding pout and a delivery akin to a slowed down record. Midway into the film, he forgets these and delivers his lines a la Ogie Alcasid. It's the element of invariability that makes the mark of an unforgettable filmic hero. 

Solenn Heussaff shines anew in another out-of-the-box portrayal as shop owner Angel. Though not part of the Bubble Gang posse, Heussaff's inclusion lends the story a sense of groundedness; that indeed this isn't all insanity, providing adequate leverage for the situational drama that the movie requires. Her performance is succinct, adorable (read: hindi maarte) and vanity-free, you know exactly why Heussaff is gradually turning out to be one of the country's best new talents! Her chemistry with Alcasid is so palpable that we had to laugh when she pours her sadness over bagoong and green mango ("May bagoong pala ang kamay ko" - then she bawls like a baby). I have never had so much fun watching something nonsensical. It's not such a wonder then why Sam Pinto - whose beloved Neneng B. character is such a household name - is relegated to "extra" duties in the film. She appears only during competitions, regaling the championship stage with her utter beauty - and nothing else! Knowing what I know about Pinto's thespic capability, she would have brought disaster to an already logic-challenged piece.   

Director Dominic Zapata peppers his movie with a dazzling array of cameos (Boy Abunda, Dr. Vicky Belo, Jackie Rice, Ian Batherson, Antonio Aquitania, Lilia Cuntapay as Boy Pick-up's mother,Gabby Eigenmann, Director Joey Reyes, Bong Revilla, Michael V, et.al.) and myopically gathers some of the most absurd jokes I've ever had to encounter. In fact, some of them don't even have punchlines to speak of, it's ridiculous. Here are a few:

 Boy Pick-up: "I put the win... in penguin." (He has a toy penguin that blows bubbles on his dresser.)

***

Boy Back-up: "Ano po ba ang gamot sa depression?"
Brod Pete: Ayon sa kasulatan, heto ang gamot: (sings) 'Mister DJ, can I make a request...' Pero instead na mister, ito ay "master" (alluding to masturbation)

***
Bong Revilla: May ibibigay akong "bong" para sa iyo?
Neneng B. (Sam Pinto): "Ano?"
Bong Revilla: "Ibibigay ko ang 'bong' puso ko."

***
Boy Pick-up: "Bakit bilog ang buwan, ang zero, ang aquarium...?"
Angel: "Bakit?"
Boy Pick-up: Kasi ikaw ang isda sa puso ko." (Didn't I say silly?)

***
Person 1: "Sana ikaw na ang Y."
Person 2: "Bakit?"
Person 1: "Kasi ikaw na ang kasunod sa ex ko."

***

Person 1: "Kape ka ba?"
Person 2: "Bakit?"
Person 1: "Kasi gusto kitang ma-kape-ling!"

***

Angel: "Bakit duck yan?" (Referring to Boy's umbrella handle.)
Boy: "Kasi pan-duck!" (pandak)

***
Moymoy: Mangga ko is 'awesome'.
Boy: "Ma ah-sim!" (asim)
Moymoy: "Awe-some"

***

Boy: "Bakit problema ko parang kuting?"
Angel: "Bakit?"
Boy: "Meow!" (Huh?)

***

Boy: "Angel, taxi ka ba?"
Angel: "Bakit?"
Boy: "...dumating sa buhay ko." (Really now!)

***

Bagwis: "Sirena ka ba?"
Angel: "No!"   (And the joke is...?)

As you see, some of the lines here verge on the esoteric so it's set up like a hit and miss predisposition. But most of them rely on the boundless enthusiasm of its peppy cast who shows what camaraderie does to even the lamest jokes. There is much to do with the evolution of Dennis Trillo's "Gabs" who turns into the certifiably menacing "Bagwis", but what promised to be a full throttle showdown ends up into a mediocre finish coupled with a fast resolution (Labahti embraces Trillo after losing to Boy Pick-up at the rematch) that didn't deserve the "creation" of Bagwis. It's a case of much ado over nothing. If anything, this movie shows Trillo's versatility. In fact, he does a mean "pick-up" spiel; and puts a believable streetwise swagger.

"Boy Pick-Up The Movie" runs like a protracted gag show - but it really is one. Its humor is patchy, but the performances more than make up for the unevenness of the material. When actors are as exuberant as these lot, you tend to forget that there really is nothing much in the cinematic paraphernalia but a bunch of fake peso bills.

Certifiably sinister

Bubbles Gang posse

Sarah Lahbati finds Gabs again.

Boy Pick-up and Angel reunite.

The "Master" espouses rock and roll.

Amateur Hour in Party Pilipinas

Sundays are lazy days at home and I get to channel surf, immerse myself in the slambang musical numbers cooked up by ABS-CBN's "A.S.A.P.". Though I would occasionally switch to GMA's now-defunct "S.O.P.", I would eventually find my way back to the former.

Kapamilya's noontime variety is better planned and its rooster of talents is an enviable riches of the country's most popular, most talented, brightest stars. Not only that, their numbers are better choreographed, better conceptualized, well rehearsed and a lot of fun! When "S.O.P." finally folded, it felt like it was about time they do away with that show full of starlets and unknowns. In fact, every time I watch it, my family and I are always reduced to redundancy, "Sino yan? Eh sino naman yang girl na yan?" It's always the same scenario. I wouldn't mind if they match up their anonimity with real talent, but most of the time - they end up as mere lip synching trolls who sound horrendous even with recorded voices.

Then came "Party Pilipinas". They have ads in Megamall that seem to herald something new and exciting. Wow, I wanted to watch! So I did...

How was this viewing experience?

I caught a quartet of girls in white - dancing in front of a horizontal bar - Lovi Poe, Glaiza de Castro, Carla Abellana & Isabel Oli. They did this bit last week with Bianca King as one of the girls. When Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" started playing, it took the girls several seconds before they realized their number has actually started! Were they deaf? Didn't they hear the starting strains of "Bad Romance"? The girls looked at each other, not sure if they were to start or not! Their recorded voices boomed like discordant seagulls flying off to Iceland. Don't they have recording engineers to make sure these talentless gobs sound BETTER in recordings? Or are these engineers deaf themselves? For a while there, I thought they were starting a comical skit. That would be a novel idea - featuring bumbling idiots on high heels. Haha. Lip sync na nga, di pa makasayaw ng sabay o mahusay.

Choreographed numbers should focus on making sure one of the other works - lip synching or dancing? But in their case, these lovely idiots fumbled their way all through out their number. Can't sing? Can't lip sync? Can't dance? OMG! What are they doing in a Musical Variety Show - GMA's showcase of their talents! SHOWCASE! GMA's big bosses should start looking up the word "showcase" in the dictionary to fully understand its meaning - and how they should address their embarrassing musical variety extravaganza!

Not only were these girls intermittently lost, but when they found their steps, they couldn't even coordinate their movements. It was kanya kanyang kayod - "matira ang matibay". They had to cancel and reformat "S.O.P." for this god-awful world-class embarassment??!! Nursery students at St. Paul's can do a lot better!

Earlier in the program, I was transfixed watching Ogie Alcasid doing Michael Jackson's "Black or White" with new recruit Rachelle Ann Go! That really caught my attention! In the first few verses of the song, Mr. Alcasid was straining to reach : "I took my baby on a saturday bang..." His forehead forrows and his sternocleidomastoids stretch! Of course we knew that as this song progresses, the fast beat and ascending melody would not let up! The beat gets faster, the lyrics too. But it got painful listening to a veteran like Ogie groping. Wasn't his presence meant to render a degree of excellence to this maudlin array of amateur newbies? Good thing Rachelle Anne was there to actually render this degree of quality to a butchered song!

Now I have to be honest to say that I don't exactly like Ms. Go's performances in "A.S.A.P." Her vocal affectations and curlicues get too annoying sometimes, compared to the straight singing of her former colleagues in "A.S.A.P." But seeing her perform amidst low caliber artists in this new new show called "Party Pilipinas" instantly made her a gold mine! If I were to watch "Party Pilipinas" regularly, I knew I'd start liking Ms. Go! She is just a cut above the mediocre talents being fielded by GMA. And I am disappointed this had to include Mr. Alcasid's failing vocal capacity as a singer. Maybe age is catching up with him. Or just maybe, he is under-rehearsed? Note-perfect Regine Velasquez can't coach him? She has to lecture them on the importance of hitting your notes! If it's too high, don't be arrogant and switch to songs you can reach! I am sure there are millions of songs to choose from! Whatever the reason, veteran artists like Mr. Alcasid shouldn't rest on old glory. Practice still makes better performances. This would prevent further embarrassing himself alongside relatively new, but ultimately more talented exciting talents like Ms. Go who's used to singing with the best that the country can offer way back in "A.S.A.P."

Later in the show, a new talent was left to sing his alternative rock number. I recognized him as "M.E." - Miguel Escueta. I actually own his CD but has since played it once. Listening to him further aggravated my headache. As he was belting the chorus of his own song (I think it's the title track coz I kept hearing "This is me" or "I am me."), he would pull the microphone 14 inches away from his mouth, then he would stoop as though he was caught in his moment. What moment? The moment when a singer can't even sing the chorus of his very own song as it proved too high for him! Ohmygod! He shouts and still misses the note by a couple of bars! He tries again - for nought! Horrendous! New talents and their amateur skills!

Now listen here, GMA people: If the pitch of your songs are too high for your "singers", you have musicians to remedy that! Raul Mitra can play it a key lower, can't he? Don't let your artists croak with pain! It's not entertaining to your audience. Moreover, it gives the wrong expression to the young audience that it's ok to be a professional entertainer and be sintunado! Hit those notes! Don't grope, don't bear down, don't shriek! It's not a horror screamfest but a musical show, for pete's sake! At masakit din po sa tenga ng nanonood!

More importantly, I shall reiterate - "practice still makes perfect numbers"! Let your performers rehearse their numbers coz, my gosh! - their middling talents can't actually do LIVE performances! Learn from A.S.A.P.'s world-class professional performers!

If this is the kind of party you're hosting every Sunday, I'd rather hibernate in peace - than suffer!

Lovi Poe (above) and Glaiza de Castro (below)

Over at "A.S.A.P.", they've launched a new Prime Time Princess - the very beautiful Empress Schuck! I have seen this girl essay roles with sophisticated ease and sincerity and I have always known that she would one day make a lovely lead! Her time has come - and I am just too happy for her. Of course, it is going to be a "Kampanerang Kuba"-styled teleserye, but these are what people actually prefer to watch these days - brain-challenged fantaseryes! "Agua Bendita", anyone?

Good luck, Ms. Schuck! I do hope you look up to the prowess of Erich Gonzales than sappy Kim Chiu!

Empress Schuck