Adventures of Pureza - Cinematic Atrocities

How do you box in the manic energy and frothy character of Melai Cantiveros?

In Star Cinema's "The Adventures of Pureza: Queen of the Riles", you end up having a product that underlines everything that's annoying about her instead of the adorable gibberish and flashes of humor that highlight her persona. And in what could be one of the most atrocious cinematic outing of the year, a surefire formula hits all the wrong buttons.

Capsule

Pureza (Melai Cantiveros) does odd jobs and the silliest, most ridiculous tricks to sustain her brother Ulan's (Martin del Rosario) escalating financial demands. It's a great thing that childhood friend Ruben (Jason Francisco) is always beside her to constantly lend a hand. However, this harmonious "partnership" of sorts may not last. Ruben plans to work in Saudi, and Pureza is largely repellent to people leaving her (she was left for adoption by her biological mother). And Ruben's romantic maneuver is blind sided by Pureza's emotional hang-ups and compulsion to earn the extra buck.

When shady mob boss Mother Baby (Gina Pareno) offers Ruben a clandestine heist that would bring Brazilian model Daniella Fabella La Bamba (Bianca Manalo) to her, Pureza coaxes Ruben to accept the job that would earn them a cool P100,000. The slippery model turns out to be a courier of illegal goods (diamonds) hidden within slippers. And who is Gerald Landerson (Joem Bascon)? Why does he welcome Pureza's too-obvious infatuation? Will he pave the way for Pureza's dream of becoming a model? He is, after all, a renowned photographer. Is he a friend? Or a foe?

Director Soxie Topacio ("Ded na si Lolo") weaves a frenetic narrative with disparate stories too far out to be believable or funny. In fact, the funniest bits in this atrocious work appears right after the cinematic chapter concludes its tale - a series of outtakes running throughout the closing credits.

Aren't we tired of the same physical gags dressing up our comediennes in otherworldly frocks? Hasn't this been done ad nauseam? Pokwang? Eugene Domingo? Ai Ai de las Alas? Rufa Mae Quinto? What about the story? This is an obvious rehash from the hardworking Ina Montecillo (Ai Ai de las Alas) of "Tanging Ina", Paula Cajanding (Eugene Domingo) of "Working Girls" and several other comic heroines.

Melai Cantiveros delivers her lines like she's been constipated for the last 12 months. In fact, it's so painful to watch her with her 5-minute verbal marathons and soliloquys. "Si Ulan, ang kapatid ko! Ang kapatid ko!" - mimicking a cry with sobs and sighs, but curiously without the tears! Taking into consideration that this is a comic vehicle, people who cry still should do so with tears, unless she has an ophthalmological condition that merits Dacryocystorhinostomy (DCR)!

Jason Francisco doesn't do as badly as he tempers Cantiveros' pull-all-the-stops countenance. But this doesn't bode well for him either since it's obvious he is incapable of standing alone without his voluble and overly labile partner. Martin del Rosario's Ulan is clumsily written. You don't know exactly where his character comes from. His motivations for "straying" are as sketchy as this singular abomination that's loud, humorless, zing-less camp.

There are a couple of characters that make this cinematic rubbish a wee bit bearable: Bianca Manalo who plays an ill-advised Brazilian model (oh yes, you better believe it!) and Pokwang as Pureza's wayward mother in a fleeting cameo. Manalo delivers an earnest portrayal that befits her supposedly mysterious mien, queenly and affecting, despite the obvious idiocy of a character such as Daniella. Brazilian model? You gotta be kidding me!

Why "Queen of the Riles"? Because she lives beside the rail track? So does a hundred other illegal settlers. Then there should be hundreds of queens, right? Priscilla (Queen of the Desert) should be very ashamed for such idiotic references.

A few scenes would display the comedic sophistication of the film:

When Gina Pareno, who orally shuffles a disgusting pustiso all throughout her scenes, delivers a punchline, she shouts: "Ay kalbo! Ay pechay!" Someone actually thought that was funny?

There's the cockroach-throwing scene where, instead of just stepping on the darn vermin, everyone bats the poor insect around! Who ever thought that was hilarious should be examined in the head.

There's the tired gag of people falling down the roof. How many times should that be repeated before it wears out its novelty? I'd say, one is enough.

Finally, there's a misplaced musical number singing a slanged-out "pakpak" to the tune of "May Pulis sa Ilalim ng Tulay". Pekpek, anyone?

You bet!

That this movie got clobbered by Harry Potter's final adieu, thank heavens there's justice on earth!

For those who believe they have a masterpiece on hand here, Geez, check your sanity! If anyone thinks of "Pureza" as anything other than horrendous, I pity you!

Si Sor Throat at si Sor Eyes meets Sister Pepa (Bella Flores).

Manic energy, annoying countenance! What works in the boob tube miserably fails on the silver screen!

Bianca Manalo and Connie Reyes Shine in MMK's Endearing "Cross-Stitch

Sometimes the realm of love isn't exclusive between two people, making it a more complicated matter than it's supposed to be. It can entail stretching your affectionate blanket to the people you're both surrounded with - the immediate family!

In the recent episode of "Maalaala Mo Kaya" titled "Cross-Stitch", Rey and Mildred (Rayver Cruz and beauty queen Bianca Manalo) are a young couple in love. Though their relationship seems to run smoothly, Rey's Tiya Armelita (Connie Reyes) provides a substantial bump in the road. Simply put, the aunt doesn't like Mildred and she has no qualms showing her dislike. To the surly spinster who reared Rey as a child, Mildred is "hindi mabuting babae". As Mildred tries doubly hard to please her, it becomes clear she will never be good enough for the irritable aunt. This eventually leads to Mildred breaking up with Rey. But two years into the future, Rey and Mildred find each other again. Though they still have feelings for each other, Tiya Armelita is still in the picture. In fact, her resolve against Mildred is as resolute as ever! How do they summon a happy ever after? Or won't they?

Though the first half of the story treads into comic grounds (the church scene, the noodle-sucking scene, the perfume-at-the-market scene, the kitchen tutorials), the latter half soon finds the couple directly confronting their dilemma - and failing miserably!

Bianca Manalo portrays Mildred with an easy and graceful countenance, thus her regal bearing adequately subjugating whatever bad mannerisms that newcomers are commonly afflicted. In such instances, such inherently "queenly" poise can render an actress bland or flat (see: Gloria Diaz in "Ang Pinakamagandang Hayop sa Balat ng Lupa"; Charlene Gonzales in "Ikaw Ang Miss Universe ng Buhay Ko", "Dyesebel"). The MMK episode can boast of some powerful moments here: When Tiya Armelita confronts her for letting Rey sleep in her place during a storm (without saying much, she limns emotions of embarrassment and self pity - and without resorting to histrionics); When Rey and Mildred go out for the first time after a 2 year break-up, then Rey takes her palm and writes "I love you" (and we see Bianca in her quiet brilliance as tears just flow).

Of course, Bianca is a novice. This would be her first take on a full-bodied character (she's basically a walk-on character in "Magkaribal") and she does well. The scene where she eventually invites Tiya Carmelita to her wedding seems a bit cruddy, but can you imagine what she would be capable to do on her 5th lead role?

Now, let me move on to the fabulous Connie Reyes. It is really hard to say any more than how brilliant this actress is! After all, isn't she among the first to star in a top rating drama anthology ("Connie Reyes On Camera") on television? Connie Reyes humanized the caricaturish Tiya Carmelita so much so that we sincerely understood her character.

MMK mines stories of ordinary people like they are resplendent treasures. And we do salute Ms. Charo Santos-Concio for celebrating the lives of the Filipinos in beautifully told stories.

Connie Reyes

Post Script:

Congratulations to Miss Venus Raj for placing 5th at the recent Miss Universe Beauty Pageant in Vegas. It was a bit of an embarrassment hearing her with a silly reply that bordered on stupidity, considering she's a Journalism graduate "with honors". I had an inkling she was in trouble when she started with a "You, know, sir" followed by a gay beauty contest boxed reply: "Thank you very much for that question!" I actually thought hers was the easiest among the questions asked that night (regulation of internet use among minors, costume and the freedom of choice, death penalty). In fact, isn't that a tired routine question asked in pageants? Every seasoned pageant veteran must know the answer to that!

Let's hire an interpreter next time. I used to be so resistant with this idea in the past, but hey, reality is, English isn't our native tongue, and when beauty pageants require beauty queens to be able to express themselves, present a scholastic discourse, and expound on a topic, they should be able to do so in their dialect - be it Tagalog or Visayan or Tausug. Hiring an interpreter would also bide them those precious few seconds to fork out and exhume a legible, unflustering reply before opening their mouth!

Donald Trump, according to a tweet by Dyan Castillejo, even said: "She looks like she was born into royalty!" Major royal blunder, that is. And if I do express disappointment over this fiasco, it's not because we disrespect her. But maybe we believed so much of what she was capable of doing. I am sure she felt the same. She wanted that crown more than we do. Isn't that thought comforting?

Overnight, a part of me was grieving for missed opportunities. The Universe crown was practically hers. Even U.S. talk shows said so. Until she opened her mouth! But milk has been spilled, and the fact is, she finished 5th among 83 beautiful, talented girls all over the globe. She clobbered 78 other girls, including Ms. USA! Atta girl! On that perspective, this victory is nothing to scoff at. Not quite what we had in mind, but not a bad deal at all.

Let's all wait for another 11 years for a top 5 finish, ok? Maybe by then we'll have a "major, major" victory.