Soxie Topacio's D' Kilabots: Pogi Brothers Weh - Nothing To Say or Laugh About

Soxie Topacio’s “D’ Kilabots: Pogi Brothers Weh” is as preposterous as its title; its story even more so. Justine (Jose Manalo) lapses into convulsive seizures every time he comes in contact with a woman. This has prevented him from pursuing a relationship with Kitty (Pokwang) who turns to Bruno (Wally Bayola), Justine’s brother, for romantic denouement. Their eventual marriage has caused due strain between the siblings to the consternation of their rambunctious mother (Gina Pareno). Enter Lulu (Solenn Heussaff), the daughter of Sir Donald (Tirso Cruz III), an influential businessman.

While Lulu openly fawns over Justine, the latter is adamant, despite the seemingly mutual attraction. Trouble comes to a head when Bruno decides to open a lugawan, an enterpreneural bid that would challenge Justine’s isawan. What to do? But all these become inconsequential when Bruno discovers the nefarious plot of Lucio (Michael de Mesa), an avaricious businessman, who, along with Sir Donald (Lulu's dad), has devised a scheme to incinerate Justine’s property. Justine's refusal to sell his property prevents Lucio from building a mall in the area.  

"Kilabots..." boasts of an all-star cast, with familiar faces gracing the screen for sitcom-style gags: Maricel Soriano and Roderick Paulate play a room switching couple; Vic Sotto as the intervening barangay chairman, German Moreno (with his eternally vomit-inducing "Walang Tulugan" spiel), Aljur Abrenica and Victor Basa as the hunky policemen; Jimmy Santos as the dead father; Jobelle Salvador, Allan K, Nina Jose, Nyoy Volante, et.al. Paolo Ballesteros dolls up (and curiously looking prettier than most women) as the movie enthusiast who spews cinematic lines, movie titles and their date of release. But at some point, the gag loses its novelty. After all, no one remembers lines from "Gaano Kadalas ang Minsan" anymore. 

The narrative is an uninspired tripe of calculated situations kept afloat by an enthusiastic cast. There’s not a lot one can do with borderline ideas and a mediocre script. Having the gorgeous Heussaff salivate over Manalo is just plain silly. And being silly doesn't automatically translate into humor. Some ideas are incoherent, like Justine's supposed attraction with Lulu. When she came to serenade him (Heussaff singing “Ipagpatawad Mo”), he ended up drenching her with a pail filled with urine. How’s that for good taste? Or is uncouth and revolting behavior supposed to be funny?

During a public squabble between Justine and Bruno, Gina Pareno (playing their mother) intervened, telling them: “Ang totoong matapang, nag iisip muna.” I've never heard of such discordant aphorism. Might does not necessarily translate to intelligence, does it? These desperate narrative struggles to say something logical underline the absence of a considerable “burden” that should fuel the narrative. The brazen fact is, these issues are a sham. And its film makers have absolutely nothing to say.  

Bb. Joyce Bernal's Of All The Things - Cinematic Delight

Emil (Aga Muhlach) unexpectedly lucked out when he failed his bar exams. After all, he’s among UP Law’s top students. Meanwhile, his girlfriend (Miriam Quiambao) successfully hurdles the bar and becomes a lawyer. She would then become Emil’s constant reminder of his failure. So they part ways. This adversity puts his life in stasis. These days, Emil illegally works with a typewriter under an umbrella by the roadside, notarizing documents for a fee. With his dignity tucked like tail between his legs, Emil is a fallen man. His successful brother (Raymond Lauchengco) constantly sneers at him, and his father (Tommy Abuel) – a retired, albeit brilliant law professor – all but glances his way with clipped conversation. They haven’t spoken about his academic debacle; and it’s burrowing down his self esteem. So he keeps to himself.

Meanwhile, Berns (Regine Velasquez) is a professional fixer with dubious connections to prominent people. She introduces herself as a politician’s former youth leader, then insinuates herself in the company of influential politicians: mayors, governors, even Senator Chiz Escudero. This allows her to push disputable contractors for a fee, of course. In various occasions, these acquaintances get her out of a bind. One day, she meets Emil who so impressed her, she decides to hire him to pose as her lawyer – one of her contacts refuses to pay her commission when a deal turns sour. This commences into a partnership that would have Berns take Emil under her tutelage.

When Emil acquiesces, Berns begins planning Emil’s life. While the two deny their obvious attraction to each other (“Di kita type”, Berns would say), their constant companionship soon turns amorous – and they’re found kissing each other. Emil tells Berns that he’s fallen for her, but she’s adamant. Unfortunately, Berns’ mother (Gina Pareno) isn’t crazy about the non-lawyer. She’s afraid Berns would end up like her who subsists selling fake bags (“They’re genuine leather,” she’d say) while her husband (Ariel Ureta) stays home.

One day, Berns hands over Emil’s application forms to re-take the bar, complete with references and the necessary documents. Emil freezes. In his mind, he can never face such loss again. Berns’ actions so enraged him, he storms out leaving his tearful “partner”. Is there happy ever after for our kindred protagonists? Guess.

Director Joyce Bernal seems most inspired whenever she works with Aga Muhlach and Regine Velasquez. Bernal's tandem with scriptwriter Mel Martinez-del Rosario has produced one of the most artistically and financially successful local romcom-trilogy of all time: 1999’s “Dahil May Isang Ikaw”, 2000’s “Kailangan Ko’y Ikaw” and 2001’s “Pangako Ikaw Lang”. More than a decade later, Bernal brings back the magic with a more urgent and diverting narrative concern: how to deal with defeat. While majority of flicks in the genre is punctuated by cotton candy veneers and characters with bittersweet, albeit fairy tale lives, "Of All The Things" touches base with "losers". 

Bernadette's life wallows in getting through shady deals. Emil's is frozen with self pity. And if fantasies are made of these sad excuse of heroes, where then could people derive their inspiration? Bernal and Del Rosario guide us through the intricacies of patience, perseverance and love even from "losers" like Berns and Umboy (aka Emil). 

Aga Muhlach delivers another insightful performance that curiously parallels to his "deadbeat' role in Olivia Lamasan's "In the Name of Love". It is thus a testament to Muhlach's artistic sensibility that he was able to adequately delineate his role here. He succeeds to personify Emil with all his emotional pathos. Muhlach's silent moments are a virtual force of nature, like when he finally admits to his father how he needs his help (to review for his retake). His scenes with Abuel are heart breaking like when the latter tells him: "Sa araw araw na nakikita kong bitbit mo ang makinilya mo, ako ang nanliliit." The gravity between these two actors could summon tsunamis of emotion, you better hold on to solid ground. Needless to say, Tommy Abuel complements Muhlach's grief. Abuel, after all, is a real life lawyer; and his emotional gravitas is more than considerable. He is one of the country's best actors of all time.

In this movie, Regine Velasquez-Alcasid (she's billed as such) comes into her own. Her frenetic movements and assiduous demeanor are believable. Gone are her awkward facial ticks and affectations. Velasquez has finally learned how to relax and get comfortable with her emotions. In fact, she succeeds - with flying colors - to create a valid character and to make Berns an endearing soul; a tall order when you're a hideous professional fixer. Evidently, this is her career best.

The film is further punctuated by winsome characters, and not one of them is a throwaway: Gina Pareno as flaky mother Susana who's overly cautious of her daughters' affairs (she's so adorable and hilarious despite her nagging demeanor); Mark Bautista as Eps, Emil's cousin; John Lapus as Berns' assistant Rocky; Joy Viado as the errant contractor Mrs. Manubat; Raymond Lauchengco as Emil's brother; Jojo Alejar as Berns' suitor, and Ariel Ureta as Eduardo, Berns' father (His short line to his wife is memorable: "Minahal naman kita nang tapat.") Eugene Domingo cameos as a bar exam monitor.

Romcoms like this have a tendency to be predictable, but the characters are so beautifully written, you understand all their motivations and you empathize with their dilemmas. With brisk pacing yet unhurried exposition, unobtrusive music, occasional funny glibs, adequately developed characters, well-tempered performances, inspired writing, and the pervading theme on the redemptive power of love, it's easy to declare "Of All The Things" as one of 2012's most delightful and affecting movies. It allows you to leave the cinema with a lingering warm feeling - and a huge smile on your face. I am reminded why I love the movies. This is first rate entertainment! Do not miss it!     

This scene is not to be missed as Emil trades legal jargon with Bern's nemesis, Mrs. Manubat. This is so funny!

Adventures of Pureza - Cinematic Atrocities

How do you box in the manic energy and frothy character of Melai Cantiveros?

In Star Cinema's "The Adventures of Pureza: Queen of the Riles", you end up having a product that underlines everything that's annoying about her instead of the adorable gibberish and flashes of humor that highlight her persona. And in what could be one of the most atrocious cinematic outing of the year, a surefire formula hits all the wrong buttons.

Capsule

Pureza (Melai Cantiveros) does odd jobs and the silliest, most ridiculous tricks to sustain her brother Ulan's (Martin del Rosario) escalating financial demands. It's a great thing that childhood friend Ruben (Jason Francisco) is always beside her to constantly lend a hand. However, this harmonious "partnership" of sorts may not last. Ruben plans to work in Saudi, and Pureza is largely repellent to people leaving her (she was left for adoption by her biological mother). And Ruben's romantic maneuver is blind sided by Pureza's emotional hang-ups and compulsion to earn the extra buck.

When shady mob boss Mother Baby (Gina Pareno) offers Ruben a clandestine heist that would bring Brazilian model Daniella Fabella La Bamba (Bianca Manalo) to her, Pureza coaxes Ruben to accept the job that would earn them a cool P100,000. The slippery model turns out to be a courier of illegal goods (diamonds) hidden within slippers. And who is Gerald Landerson (Joem Bascon)? Why does he welcome Pureza's too-obvious infatuation? Will he pave the way for Pureza's dream of becoming a model? He is, after all, a renowned photographer. Is he a friend? Or a foe?

Director Soxie Topacio ("Ded na si Lolo") weaves a frenetic narrative with disparate stories too far out to be believable or funny. In fact, the funniest bits in this atrocious work appears right after the cinematic chapter concludes its tale - a series of outtakes running throughout the closing credits.

Aren't we tired of the same physical gags dressing up our comediennes in otherworldly frocks? Hasn't this been done ad nauseam? Pokwang? Eugene Domingo? Ai Ai de las Alas? Rufa Mae Quinto? What about the story? This is an obvious rehash from the hardworking Ina Montecillo (Ai Ai de las Alas) of "Tanging Ina", Paula Cajanding (Eugene Domingo) of "Working Girls" and several other comic heroines.

Melai Cantiveros delivers her lines like she's been constipated for the last 12 months. In fact, it's so painful to watch her with her 5-minute verbal marathons and soliloquys. "Si Ulan, ang kapatid ko! Ang kapatid ko!" - mimicking a cry with sobs and sighs, but curiously without the tears! Taking into consideration that this is a comic vehicle, people who cry still should do so with tears, unless she has an ophthalmological condition that merits Dacryocystorhinostomy (DCR)!

Jason Francisco doesn't do as badly as he tempers Cantiveros' pull-all-the-stops countenance. But this doesn't bode well for him either since it's obvious he is incapable of standing alone without his voluble and overly labile partner. Martin del Rosario's Ulan is clumsily written. You don't know exactly where his character comes from. His motivations for "straying" are as sketchy as this singular abomination that's loud, humorless, zing-less camp.

There are a couple of characters that make this cinematic rubbish a wee bit bearable: Bianca Manalo who plays an ill-advised Brazilian model (oh yes, you better believe it!) and Pokwang as Pureza's wayward mother in a fleeting cameo. Manalo delivers an earnest portrayal that befits her supposedly mysterious mien, queenly and affecting, despite the obvious idiocy of a character such as Daniella. Brazilian model? You gotta be kidding me!

Why "Queen of the Riles"? Because she lives beside the rail track? So does a hundred other illegal settlers. Then there should be hundreds of queens, right? Priscilla (Queen of the Desert) should be very ashamed for such idiotic references.

A few scenes would display the comedic sophistication of the film:

When Gina Pareno, who orally shuffles a disgusting pustiso all throughout her scenes, delivers a punchline, she shouts: "Ay kalbo! Ay pechay!" Someone actually thought that was funny?

There's the cockroach-throwing scene where, instead of just stepping on the darn vermin, everyone bats the poor insect around! Who ever thought that was hilarious should be examined in the head.

There's the tired gag of people falling down the roof. How many times should that be repeated before it wears out its novelty? I'd say, one is enough.

Finally, there's a misplaced musical number singing a slanged-out "pakpak" to the tune of "May Pulis sa Ilalim ng Tulay". Pekpek, anyone?

You bet!

That this movie got clobbered by Harry Potter's final adieu, thank heavens there's justice on earth!

For those who believe they have a masterpiece on hand here, Geez, check your sanity! If anyone thinks of "Pureza" as anything other than horrendous, I pity you!

Si Sor Throat at si Sor Eyes meets Sister Pepa (Bella Flores).

Manic energy, annoying countenance! What works in the boob tube miserably fails on the silver screen!

Bakal Boys - A Rare Gem Comes to the Cinema

Good films derive a sense of fulfillment to their audience. And Ralston Rover’s “Bakal Boys” is one of such films.

The movie follows a ragtag crowd of Baseco children who wade through the dingy and squalid waters of Manila bay, scavenging for metal scraps. Armed with slapdash flippers and a pair of goggles, they brave the menacing sea current for what would fetch them money at the junk shop! One fateful day, while the group was busy hauling off an unhinged anchor from the seabed, they failed to notice their friend Bungal’s whereabouts. (Last time we see him, Bungal was swimming after his gadget as it drifted into the ocean.) The succeeding scenes then hover over 10-year old Utoy (Meljun Guinto) as he desperately looks for his friend.

Patience is requisite in appreciating “Bakal Boys”. For one, the narrative structure employs real-time story telling so everything takes forever to happen. We follow the movement of Utoy as he aimlessly searches for Bungal - from the ramshackle house of his Lola Salvia (Gina Pareno), to a net gaming shop, and all over Tondo's rickety barangay. A handheld camera follows the action on screen. The result is intermittently blurry and wobbly images that ultimately bestow a sense of “being there”, like watching a documentary. This technique is slowly gaining ground – Lars von Trier was pioneering; locally, this was employed by the likes of Jeffrey Jeturian (“Kubrador”), Brillante Mendoza (“Kinatay”, “Foster Child”), Pepe Diokno's "Engkwentro", et.al. It also heightens the sense of realism as we become voyeurs peeping into their lives. The gist of the story is a tad too simple. But the plot empowers the viewers to experience life in Baseco, Tondo without stumbling into a pit of schmaltz – and that is admirable!

Spoilers here!

Finally, as our young protagonist surrenders all sense of hope (he throws away his income-generating metal fishing gears), then we find him waddling into the darkness of the ocean water, wishing to find his friend! The result is contemplative, for 10-year old children aren’t exactly known to delve into the realm of self-destruction. But what does one call such folly? Gallantry? Heroism – when there is no one to save?

Gina Pareno also stars as Bungal’s Lola Salvia. Though Pareno’s insightful performance lends authenticity and finality to the dramatic denouement of losing a child, she however struggles with her Tausug. We maybe nitpicking, but find her accent a bit of a distraction! We have also bemoaned the continuous exploitation of poverty in indies, but in this case, we do not mind. Well told stories tend to rise above trite plot lines. To think that another indie film was shown last January about children as metal scrap scavengers!

We were not too pleased to have swum through a myriad of horrible indies of late. In fact, we were getting desperate for the sake of the Digital Wave. The situation was getting hopeless. Then this came; “Bakal Boys” is one reason why we keep hoping for great cinema! And once in a rare while, we get to pick a gem from the murks of a heavily polluted Manila Bay.