Mae Czarina Cruz's "Bride for Rent" - Hits and Misses

A grandson plots to deceive his grandmother by pretending that he’s married. But the grandmother, aware of his machination, hatches a scheme to teach his cunning grandson a lesson by marrying him off to the former’s accomplice. Meanwhile the third-party accomplice is actually a saint who sacrifices her puny self to provide for a family of five able-bodied souls. But she wouldn't be so poor if fate lends a hand and she suddenly finds love in the midst of all this ruckus, would she?

Would that suffice to fabricate a story that would propel a blockbuster romantic comedy? Fact: Mae Czarina Cruz’s “Bride for Rent” is 2014’s first official blockbuster with humongous crowds turning in cineplexes as early as the first screening. 

Let’s backtrack a bit. Rocco (Xian Lim) was supposed to cash in on his multimillion-peso trust fund when he turned 25. But there was a caveat to this; that he should be married before he gets the first P10 million, then P70 million if he lasted this number of weeks – and so on.

Unfortunately, Rocco doesn't have a girl friend who is willing to marry him. Moreover, his ad agency is in urgent need of cash (which he earlier splurged while gambling) or he loses a vital account that would embarrass him to his estranged father (Tirso Cruz III). So he hires aspiring actress Rocky (Kim Chiu) to be his bride. Meanwhile, the plucky girl just wants a roof on her family’s head. She agrees to the odd arrangement of marrying this stranger to save her family from being homeless. The pretense would have them living together in a conjugal home for a specific time before they could eventually call the marriage off, file for annulment, then live their lives with oodles of cash as they ride into the sunset.

But as predictable as Kris Aquino’s self-indulgences, life isn't a walk in the park, and the unlikely couple find themselves unexpectedly falling for each other. Should they admit their feelings and offer conciliatory confessions? Should Rocco re-propose and re-affirm his new found affection to the indubitable Rocky? Should the latter declare her love to the piano-playing Lothario despite her double-whammy deception? What to do?

As romcom goes, “Bride for Rent” resorts to a pother of sitcom gags that surprisingly work due to the burgeoning comic ability of Kim Chiu who’s experiencing a renaissance of sorts where her performing aptitude is concerned. She has found a persuasive and confident voice in her comic cadence. A few lines still fall flat, but Chiu is mostly resolute. The result is nothing to scoff at. Her spitfire Rockelita dela Cruz suddenly becomes a cinematic heroine worth remembering. She has several moments of impeccable precision, like when she starts enumerating her house rules, then quips with a nonchalant “Please refer to rule number 1, which you just agreed.”  How about her hooky, “Isn't it amazing? Isn't it surprising? Isn't it?” Or when Rocco suddenly catches her buck naked while showering, then she moans, “I feel so molested”. Or when she daydreams of kissing Rocco at the kitchen. Or during her repeat audition when she’d say, “Di naman ako na advice na Q&A pala to.” There’s no denying that Miss Chiu is basking on a new thespic sun, and we’re so glad for her.

What’s an adorable heroine without her equally dishy paramour? Xian Lim complements Chiu’s comic calisthenics with his earnest portrayal of the happy-go-lucky, albeit opportunistic dream boy who just wants to do better than the father he resents. Lim is probably aware of his physical charm and he makes good use of this (the kitchen daydream scene). When Rocky tries to remove his shorts, he fetchingly protests, “Hala-la-la-la-la”. Awww. Chiu and Lim have found the perfect chemistry in celluloid heaven. We just wish they’d stop Lim from singing too much on screen because, while he maybe a fantastic musician, his vocal chops aren't so much to crow about. And serenading a girl with a dissonant version of “Til I Met You” leaves a bitter taste in the mouth.

While I admit to finding pleasure in the spirited performances of Kim Chiu, Xian Lim, Pilita Corales and Empoy Marquez, the story arc and details leave much to be desired. This is a romcom fueled by the imposturous ministrations of its characters. The grandson is deceitful. The grandmother is shifty. Rocky isn't the innocent by-stander either because she came into the picture aware of the schemes of both. Are we supposed to empathize with these grafters? Then there’s the lazy Dela Cruz clan. With 3 able-bodied brothers and a physically capable father (Dennis Padilla), why is scrawny Rocky working so hard while her four male kapamilyas are sitting on their arses, feeling sorry for themselves? This is one free-loading, indolent family I'd rather do without. They all deserve to be taken to Cedric Lee’s condo unit, no doubt. Maybe Mr. Lee can knock some sense into them as much as he’s capable of disarranging Vhong Navarro’s facial and skeletal - and allegedly even genital anatomy.

What lucid lola would push her apo to a spurious marriage? Even if this were “to teach him a lesson… so he learns to value what he has”, isn't she aware that sometimes no amount of money can guarantee a successful annulment case? Aren't old folks supposed to uphold marriage as a "sacred sacrament”? Yet she plays with this covenant, making God an accomplice to her lesson-teaching scheme. That is some grandmother.

Several other points are worth noting. The house given as a gift by Pilita was posh and huge, yet Xian had to coin toss for him to get a chance to stay on their matrimonial bed. Otherwise, it’s the couch for him. Weren’t there other rooms in this gargantuan two-story house? Poor, poor Xian.

The biggest glitch here is the restaurant scene. When Rocco had to re-propose, wasn't that Rocky’s chance to come clean and accept his real proposal, instead of unnecessarily admitting her part of the devious plot? After all, she’s admitted to Lala that she’s falling for him, and Lala seems to genuinely like her. They had to rock the boat to maneuver tension into the convoluted story. The big revelation (drum roll please!) was that their marriage was a sham. Who didn't know that? Rocco knew. Rocky knew. Lala knew. Now, even Rocco’s father knows. Such happy coincidences indeed. The succeeding scenes were too farcical to swallow. Rocco turns his ire to his crowd and declares, “This doesn't give you the right to play with my feeling.” This coming from someone who jumpstarted this whole put-up job? I had to scratch my head.  

The film succeeds to tickle some fancy. But if Mae Cruz wants to be taken seriously, she has to learn how to tighten her narrative and seriously sit on her story line instead of resorting to the moth-eaten romcom formula that Star Cinema is feeding her. For now, she has to thank her lucky stars for Kim Chiu and Xian Lim’s refreshing performances. That may not be enough next time.

Xian Lim and Kim Chiu: The hit-making team.

Topel Lee's Amorosa - Revenge of the Vigorously Confused

As a child, Amiel (Martin del Rosario) was diagnosed with Retinitis Pimentosa, an irreversible and incurable eye disease that eventually leads to blindness. Rosa Calderon (Angel Aquino), Amiel’s mother, the carrier of the illness, feels responsible for Amiel’s misfortune. But she enlists his other son Rommel’s (Enrique Gil) dedication to assist Amiel as he gradually loses his vision. ‘Di tayo aayaw; ‘di tayo susuko, Rosa reminds her son. She further says, “Sa ‘yo ako humuhugot ng lakas, anak.” Amiel and Rommel grow up close and supportive of each other. They play Beethoven’s “Fur Elise” together on the piano. They even prepare for the eventual forfeiture of Amiel’s vision by counting the steps to familiar nooks in the house.

One fateful day, the family figures in a catastrophic accident instantly killing Rosa’s husband (Lloyd Samartino). Rosa gets thrown out and survives with a mere contusion. But the wreckage perilously hangs by a cliff. The townsfolk turn to the site to pull the survivors out of the car. As time critically ticks by, a samaritan shouts to Rosa: “Sino ang sasagipin?” Rosa’s knee jerk reaction has her shouting, “Yung nakasalamin!” (Amiel). Rommel hears this and gets heartbroken. This scene has since defined Rommel’s relationship with his mother and brother Amiel.

Surviving the accident turns into an icy chapter in the lives of Rosa’s family. The once obedient and dutiful Rommel has turned wayward, preferring constant night outs with friends of ill repute. Moreover, their financial standing has down spiraled. Situation turns dicier when Rosa accepts an offer to manage a desolate inn in foggy Tagaytay where Amiel and Rommel spent their summers as children. Rommel acquiesces when he renews acquaintance with childhood friend Amanda (Jane Oineza) who’s grown into a lovely girl.  

But the old and creaky house rankles with an ominous past. A girl named Sandra (Empress Schuck) was gang raped and murdered in the house 15 years ago. Since then, men – suspected rapists – die mysterious deaths around the area. A killer is running loose, and Sgt. Villegas (Richard Quan) pays Rosa a visit to warn her about this. Meanwhile, Rommel’s demeanor towards his mother and brother changes abruptly with Amanda’s constant visits (she delivers flowers to the guest house). Fetching scenario, right? But are they safe from the wandering killer? Is Rommel free from the influence of his delinquent friends (Ejay Falcon, Franco Daza and Nico Antonio) who have their eyes on Amanda? Has Rommel mended his strained relationship with Rosa and brother Amiel?

A convoluted plot replete with several intervening narrative strains makes this mostly incongruent flick a herculean cinematic experience. The issues involved in “Amorosa” are disparate, and director Topel Lee vigorously pieces them together like oddly-shaped parts of a puzzle.  There’s the beautiful title that would have you believe that titular Rosa is the focal character in this story.  Well, she isn’t. There should be something about her that deserves a theatrical “title” other than the fact that she’s the genetic carrier of her son’s Retinitis Pigmentosa; maybe a glimpse into her past? But if you really think about it, Rosa could be written differently, i.e. as a supporting character or a flashback - and this wouldn’t harm the major premise that’s more about sibling rivalry than the guilt of a mother who wants to pass her burden to her younger child. How convenient, right?

During the accident, the Samaritans who went to the vehicular wreckage chose to “ask which one to help” losing more time in the process. Most people with brains would readily act on it than ask for decisions. They were at the scene, for Pete’s sakes. It was their call to just pull anyone out before the car tumbles down the ravine. But no, in their moment of idiocy, they had to ask the confused, contused and flustered mother which one should they pull out of the wreckage. Moreover, what mother would choose a child over another? This moral dilemma is really a narrative catachresis, clumsily manipulated to draft a situation.

On the other hand, Sandra’s (Empress) story, which starts the movie, is hokey. To add to Rosa’s grief, Director Lee has decided to throw in an avenging ghost who kills “rapists”. The film would have you believe that Tagaytay is the Rape Capital of the Philippines; rapists are a dime a dozen and they roam the streets like happy vagrants looking for damsels in distress. And restless Sandra haunts and kills them. But what bothers me was after having exterminated the characters played by Ejay Falcon, Nico Antonio and Franco Daza, what happens to the avenging Sandra? Her story has conveniently become an unfinished business, right? Unless she has decided to retire from her protracted retribution.  What did Sandra do to her own rapists – Carlo Aquino, Johan Santos and Lemuel Pelayo? Why kill others, but not your own rapist/murderers? Busy sya? Anyare, kuya?

And didn’t you notice how Manila boy Rommel’s friends seem to follow him all the way to Tagaytay? Moreover, there’s an albularyo (Nanding Josef) who intermittently warns Rosa of impending events, and there’s a child (Xyriel Manabat) who seems to see ghosts. Yet all of them are disposable characters that are as quickly forgotten as they are introduced into the story. Let’s not forget Lilia Cuntapay who provides asinine humor, an absolutely misplaced thread in an already confused narrative body.

Furthermore, Director Lee wasn’t happy with these plots so he further deviates by providing another twist! In what could be the silliest form of “deus ex machina”, Rosa is suffering from a post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that would have her believing that Amiel survived the accident. But such gravity of delusion and visual hallucination isn't part of Post Traumatic Stress. Try Major Depression or Schizoaffective Disorder, but absolutely NOT Post Traumatic Stress Disorder! Isn’t it easier to actually consult a psychiatrist if you were to make a cinematic case out of a psychiatric diagnosis than cursorily reading about hallucinations from Wikipedia? Some people could be so inept or lazy.

It turns out, post-accident Amiel was but a figment of her imagination. How very Shyamalan!

Angel Aquino boasts of an arresting presence and an earnest take on mother’s guilt. Empress Schuck is, as usual, fetching and sympathetic as Sandra. These two ladies make watching Amorosa a little less painful, churning out commendable performances in shoddily written characters. Others aren’t as lucky. Ejay Falcon displays course depiction too far removed from most Star Magic actors. His characterization is, in fact, very Mac Alejandre’ish - mediocre, loud, predictable, and shallow. Enrique Gil and Martin del Rosario mostly deliver perfunctory turns, but they’re nothing to crow about. After all, the bond between these two actors is mostly fabricated, more than visceral.   

I have to admit though that the setting and cinematography are a pleasure to the eyes. Fog bound Tagaytay, gigantic trees with a thousand branches that reach to the heavens, atmospheric corners of some eerie locations provide a very visually compelling cinematic canvas. Unfortunately, mere beauty doesn’t suffice. A beautiful girl with the brain of a paramecium soon loses novelty, and we eventually see through her hollow skull. And it’s becoming clear how Topel Lee, once a very promising indie talent, has failed to deliver his promise. With visually succulent scenes, all he’s able to churn out are the superficial requirement of his cinema. Visuals are an integral part of a film, but it’s a valid story and an intuitive storytelling that drive any cinematic vehicle. In “Amorosa”, cerebral occupancy is nil! There’s just no one home but an unmanned camera.

Nanding Josef and Nico Antonio

Empress Schuck is the avenging Sandra.

Martin del Rosario is Amiel. Enrique Gil is Rommel. They are brothers... from a different mother... and a different father! See any similarity? You have to judiciously use your imagination for that. :)

Ejay Falcon is William, the present-day rapist; Carlo Aquino is Jerry, the rapist of the past! 

Pretty Jane Oineza plays flower girl Amanda, Rommel's childhood friend.

The cast of "Amorosa: The Revenge" and their confused director.

Note:

Please read our featured post on Cinema Bravo and why we sometimes feel nginig about Web Criticism:
- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html

Chito Rono's The Healing - The Sick, The Dying & The Doppelgangers

Like many people who get frustrated by the limitations of medical science, Seth (Vilma Santos), an insurance executive, takes her ailing 74 year old father (Robert Arevalo) to Manang Elsa (Daria Ramirez), a renowned faith healer. After some incantations, they were sent home with a medicinal concoction for her stroke patient. To her surprise, the next day finds the old man completely rid of stroke – strong, ambulatory and even virile! Tatang is given a new lease in life. And he starts living his days like they were his last. News travel fast. Soon, Seth’s house becomes an infirmary of sorts, with her circle of friends gathering and seeking her help for a coterie of complaints: a breast mass, diabetes, psoriasis, pediatric blindness, etc. Would Seth – pretty please – accompany them to Manang Elsa? Heck, even her ex-husband’s daughter Cookie (Kim Chiu) is afflicted with kidney disease, and she's gradually wasting away!

Seth takes her friends to the healer, but Manang Elsa refuses to see anyone. “May sakit s’ya at tumigil na s’ya sa panggagamot,” explains Melchor, Elsa’s son. They refuse to leave the shaman’s house. A lot is at stake: a medical clearance for work in the Middle East; an approaching wedding; a life free of cancer, etc. The old woman finally acquiesces and accommodates her assertive visitors. Everyone goes home hopeful, but few of them remain skeptical. One by one, Seth’s friends experience the miracle of healing - breast lumps disappear, gangrenous feet clear up, and blood sugar normalizes! Elsa was wrong, Ate Guy! “May himala”, indeed! Even Cookie’s blood dyscrasia and sallow skin clear up like magic! Everyone rejoices.

Then Seth starts seeing crows that appear incommodiously. She also sees doppelgangers of her friends; body doubles devoid of emotions. Then chatty Chona (Ces Quesada), who has always been good natured, turns amok. Is her strange demeanor related to the healing? Would it affect the other “patients” as well? Why is Seth’s father – the first to be treated – unaffected? 

The movie is an ensemble piece, held together beautifully by Vilma Santos though it’s easy to see it’s a walk in the park for the Star for All Seasons. It's a welcome respite to see Santos in a genre far removed from her bombastic dramas. I am a wee bit distracted by her “look” – she looked like our favorite Batangas Governor: thick rimmed glasses, corporate blouses, etc. I understand that she plays an insurance executive, but there has to be a difference between an insurance peddler and a governor, right? But I’m merely nitpicking. Santos is nevertheless a joy to watch.  

I am seeing Kim Chiu in a new light. This is a more adorable Chiu, devoid of her woe-is-me demeanor. She plays the sympathetic stepdaughter afflicted with Glomerulonephritis. Glomeru…what? It’s just a kidney infection, my tita said, who further shared, “We admit cases like that left and right. They’re easy to treat – like UTI - and could be managed as an out-patient case. So it’s weird hearing it as a fatal disease entity.” Sus, I thought it was analogous to a death sentence. J  But back to Kim, she was reasonably compelling. When she suddenly asked Seth, “Galit po kayo sa akin, Tita?” my heart went out to her. I wish Kim’s succeeding projects wouldn’t lay on the melodrama too thick, then I’d be happy to watch her again. In “The Healing”, Kim Chiu eschews an adequately fleshed out character.

SPOILER ALERT!

The rest of the cast should be proud as well. Martin del Rosario (Seth’s son and Cookie’s half-brother Jed) displays a strong cinematic presence that should guarantee him more screen work in the future. Other note-worthy portrayals include Janice de Belen as mother Cita, Joel Torre as Melchor (the healer’s son), Daria Ramirez as Elsa (the faith healer), Robert Arevalo (Seth’s father), Mark Gil (Seth’s former husband), and Pokwang (as Dubai-bound Alma). I am conflicted with Jhong Hilario’s participartion: his wig looked nasty (and fake). Dario, his character, got electrocuted. When he was taken to Manang Elsa, he was already dead. The healer went on to resurrect the dead which should be a taboo, for obvious reasons. And such action necessitates the claiming of another in exchange of Dario’s. Quite a valid scenario, if you ask me.

DOPPELGANGERS

In folklore, doppelganger – the paranormal double of a living person – typically represents misfortune or evil. These entities are a form capable of “bilocation” (St. Pio de Pietrelcina was said to have had such power), but in this light, they are harbingers of bad luck, and may portend illness or an accident. It can be an omen of death. The idea of doppelgangers exists even in Norse and Finnish mythology as well as in the Ancient Greeks and Egyptians. A popular poet, Percy Bysshe Shelly told his wife how he met his doppelganger. Few days later, the English poet drowned in a bay in Italy. Other historical persons who died after meeting their doppelgangers include Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. It is interesting therefore to encounter the Pinoy perspective on doppelgangers, violent creatures in Rono’s re-imaginings.  

One of my favorite scenes involves the monks at a Buddhist Temple. Since this scene is not exactly commonplace, the praying monks imbue it with a sense of mystery. Rono is quite good with employing local color that, as an audience, it’s easy to immerse oneself in the make-believe world we are witnessing. 

Director Chito Rono has created a feasible scenario that hooks his viewers from the start. After all, we have a rich and inherent tradition of interweaving faith, superstition and medical science. But what makes “The Healing” unsettling is its distinct plethora of events: patient gets healed; crows loom; doppelgangers appear; the patients crack up and go berserk, then turn amok.

In the narrative, chronology of events takes center stage to exploit paranoia and a rankling of supposition, not dissimilar to the “Final Destination” movies. Who follows whom? How will they perish? And Rono concocts this atmosphere of morbidity with inspired compulsion and rabid vehemence. When Ynes Veneracion leisurely saunters towards the concrete with a giant chopping knife while her husband (Allan Paule) stoops down at the center of the road, you want to hit a pause button. There was a chill running down my spine. You know what’s coming – and you watch in frustration until the deed has been consummated! Rono keeps his narrative clamorous all throughout.   

 “The Healing” is experiencing a slow burn – “a fuego lento”. In fact, it is doing an amazing business in its second week. In three different mall cinemas this weekend alone, I saw queues mostly meant for “The Healing”. This is good news for mainstream cinema that has suffered a considerable plunge in theater attendance from January to June 2012. Word of mouth sure works like magic.    

Adventures of Pureza - Cinematic Atrocities

How do you box in the manic energy and frothy character of Melai Cantiveros?

In Star Cinema's "The Adventures of Pureza: Queen of the Riles", you end up having a product that underlines everything that's annoying about her instead of the adorable gibberish and flashes of humor that highlight her persona. And in what could be one of the most atrocious cinematic outing of the year, a surefire formula hits all the wrong buttons.

Capsule

Pureza (Melai Cantiveros) does odd jobs and the silliest, most ridiculous tricks to sustain her brother Ulan's (Martin del Rosario) escalating financial demands. It's a great thing that childhood friend Ruben (Jason Francisco) is always beside her to constantly lend a hand. However, this harmonious "partnership" of sorts may not last. Ruben plans to work in Saudi, and Pureza is largely repellent to people leaving her (she was left for adoption by her biological mother). And Ruben's romantic maneuver is blind sided by Pureza's emotional hang-ups and compulsion to earn the extra buck.

When shady mob boss Mother Baby (Gina Pareno) offers Ruben a clandestine heist that would bring Brazilian model Daniella Fabella La Bamba (Bianca Manalo) to her, Pureza coaxes Ruben to accept the job that would earn them a cool P100,000. The slippery model turns out to be a courier of illegal goods (diamonds) hidden within slippers. And who is Gerald Landerson (Joem Bascon)? Why does he welcome Pureza's too-obvious infatuation? Will he pave the way for Pureza's dream of becoming a model? He is, after all, a renowned photographer. Is he a friend? Or a foe?

Director Soxie Topacio ("Ded na si Lolo") weaves a frenetic narrative with disparate stories too far out to be believable or funny. In fact, the funniest bits in this atrocious work appears right after the cinematic chapter concludes its tale - a series of outtakes running throughout the closing credits.

Aren't we tired of the same physical gags dressing up our comediennes in otherworldly frocks? Hasn't this been done ad nauseam? Pokwang? Eugene Domingo? Ai Ai de las Alas? Rufa Mae Quinto? What about the story? This is an obvious rehash from the hardworking Ina Montecillo (Ai Ai de las Alas) of "Tanging Ina", Paula Cajanding (Eugene Domingo) of "Working Girls" and several other comic heroines.

Melai Cantiveros delivers her lines like she's been constipated for the last 12 months. In fact, it's so painful to watch her with her 5-minute verbal marathons and soliloquys. "Si Ulan, ang kapatid ko! Ang kapatid ko!" - mimicking a cry with sobs and sighs, but curiously without the tears! Taking into consideration that this is a comic vehicle, people who cry still should do so with tears, unless she has an ophthalmological condition that merits Dacryocystorhinostomy (DCR)!

Jason Francisco doesn't do as badly as he tempers Cantiveros' pull-all-the-stops countenance. But this doesn't bode well for him either since it's obvious he is incapable of standing alone without his voluble and overly labile partner. Martin del Rosario's Ulan is clumsily written. You don't know exactly where his character comes from. His motivations for "straying" are as sketchy as this singular abomination that's loud, humorless, zing-less camp.

There are a couple of characters that make this cinematic rubbish a wee bit bearable: Bianca Manalo who plays an ill-advised Brazilian model (oh yes, you better believe it!) and Pokwang as Pureza's wayward mother in a fleeting cameo. Manalo delivers an earnest portrayal that befits her supposedly mysterious mien, queenly and affecting, despite the obvious idiocy of a character such as Daniella. Brazilian model? You gotta be kidding me!

Why "Queen of the Riles"? Because she lives beside the rail track? So does a hundred other illegal settlers. Then there should be hundreds of queens, right? Priscilla (Queen of the Desert) should be very ashamed for such idiotic references.

A few scenes would display the comedic sophistication of the film:

When Gina Pareno, who orally shuffles a disgusting pustiso all throughout her scenes, delivers a punchline, she shouts: "Ay kalbo! Ay pechay!" Someone actually thought that was funny?

There's the cockroach-throwing scene where, instead of just stepping on the darn vermin, everyone bats the poor insect around! Who ever thought that was hilarious should be examined in the head.

There's the tired gag of people falling down the roof. How many times should that be repeated before it wears out its novelty? I'd say, one is enough.

Finally, there's a misplaced musical number singing a slanged-out "pakpak" to the tune of "May Pulis sa Ilalim ng Tulay". Pekpek, anyone?

You bet!

That this movie got clobbered by Harry Potter's final adieu, thank heavens there's justice on earth!

For those who believe they have a masterpiece on hand here, Geez, check your sanity! If anyone thinks of "Pureza" as anything other than horrendous, I pity you!

Si Sor Throat at si Sor Eyes meets Sister Pepa (Bella Flores).

Manic energy, annoying countenance! What works in the boob tube miserably fails on the silver screen!