Andoy Ranay's "Diary ng Panget" - Shaking Heads and Slovenly Writing

Orphan girl Eya Rodriguez (Nadine Lustre), a self proclaimed “panget” (unsightly), finds herself employed as the personal maid of affluent Cross Sandford (James Reid), the goodlooking but bratty student council president of Willford, the prestigious college where Eya is a scholar. In a place populated by privileged half breeds and well heeled guys who can afford to buy P250,000 friendship rings for their crushes, Eya is an oddball. Popular cliques don’t even hide their aversion towards our pimple-ridden protagonist who seems oblivious to everyone’s antipathy. After all, she only has to deal with her employer’s (Gabby Concepcion) capricious son to earn the monthly P25,000. What’s better, they don’t have to like each other. He loathes her (or does he) as much as she dislikes him – and Cross can’t even “fire” her. 

But life gets easier when popular girl Lory (Yassi Pressman) takes Eya as her new best friend. Hasn’t this anything to do with the fact that Lory’s been harboring feelings for Cross since they were in kindergarten? (He once stood up for her against bullies.)

Plot thickens when popular jock Chad (Andre Paras) starts stalking Eya. What’s happening here? When Cross facetiously declares to everyone on campus that Eya is actually his girl friend, life gets more complicated for our heroine who now has to parry the blows against jealous school mates. Cross, on the other hand, requires her presence more and more. What to do?

Director Andoy Ranay’s film adaptation of this best-selling Filipino romance novel follows this director’s penchant for glossy, upper-middle class macrocosm (“Sosy Problems”, “When the Love is Gone”). Unfortunately, this acumen does nothing but highlight Ranay’s mediocre directorial vision. The first third of the narrative could have benefited with a snappy, tongue-in-cheek cadence. Mostly though, every cinematic artifice fell flat, you couldn't help but place Cross and Eya's catfights as inferior versions of Kathryn Bernardo and Daniel Padilla’s “Got 2 Believe” characters. The comparison is inevitable. But we don't think less of James Reid and Nadine Lustre’s charm quotient.

Reid and Lustre give it their best. By the film's middle part, they breach through the tedium of mediocrity and you actually start enjoying their earnest banter. How can you not fall in love with Reid’s dreamy gaze? If you’re a living-and-breathing female species, you won’t be immune to Reid’s cinematic punch. Why Star Cinema eventually let go of Reid, who is otherworldly gorgeous (and could sing like a prince), is beyond me. Andre Paras, on the other hand, suffers from pallid characterization. He seems too gimpy for a sports jock, you'd understand why girls would look elsewhere despite Paras' good looks and tall frame. Yassi Pressman meanwhile underwhelms. AJ Muhlach steals some misplaced scenes but his presence is nothing but random and disposable.

The story, feebly told in seeming episodes, is riddled with loopholes. In fact, the movie can't seem to make up its mind if the school's name(Willford) has a single or double "L". The individual issues likewise feel unsympathetic and fractured at best. What father would refer to his son as “half halimaw” to a stranger, even in jest? If Cross is really an irresponsible guy as we are made to believe, how did he get elected as the school’s student council president? Heck, he even moonlights as a model for Bench. In the scheme of things, jocks can be mean, but student council presidents are at least approachable and responsible. Cross is stand offish. Moreover, how can an employed maid go “fencing” with her employer? Why were her prickly acne conglobata appearing and disappearing from one scene to the next? Acnes the size of Neptune don't disappear overnight, not even with the world's most powerful concealers.

Andre Paras is Chad. Yassi Pressman is Lory (aka Lorraine Keet).

My main problem is the slovenly writing and the divergent narrative trajectory that eventually had me tsk-tsk’ing and shaking my head. Check out the masquerade ball. Wasn't that the most opprobriously choreographed musical number ever to have graced the silver screen in a long time? If you needed groovesome traction to underline youthful vibe or suspenseful foreboding, you’re better off finding that in TV5 talent Shalala’s ridiculously titled launching movie “Echoserang Frog” (also showing this week) than here. Why is Andoy Ranay mimicking Mac Alejandre’s humdrum film making skill? Hasn't years of theatre practice taught him narrative urgency or plotful congruity? The question is of course rhetorical because the answer is crystal.

When Eya finally shares her masquerade dance with the be-masked Cross, how can she not recognize him? It was baffling. She lived and worked closely (intimately, even) with Cross that she’d be half a nitwit not to recognize his physical form, smell, much less his voice! Yeah, yeah, he had colds - and you can tell that to the marines! Or was she really daft? And how can one desecrate Cinderella’s “lost shoe” chapter with a rather shoddy and absolutely egregious version? Did Eya suddenly turn into a magical teen queen that a dozen would show up to declare their love for her? Who owned that darn tattered, smelly-looking shoe? On their way to telling a story, someone got caught between vertigo and a daydream. It was embarrassing; it made me blush. 

James Reid

Nadine Lustre 

AJ Muhlach plays Ian, Cross' best friend and Eya's misplaced, err... fairy godfather.

Emmanuel Palo's A Moment in Time - Charm and Romantic Blunders

The first time Patrick (Coco Martin) sets his eyes on Jillian (Julia Montes) during a train ride, he couldn’t take his eyes off the cautious lass. But getting her name and meeting her were a different matter. The pretty lady is reticent with her associations, keeping mostly to her limited social circle. All she wants is to continue her studies in Amsterdam and forget a rather nebulous past.

Patrick pursues Jillian, painting her likeness on public walls and serenading the girl in her school. With such persistence, Jillian eventually gives in to Patrick’s unabashed romanticism. But unknown to Patrick, Jillian’s past isn’t so isolated from his. The young lad and his sister Mai (Ella Cruz) were orphaned three years ago when their Qatar-bound mother (Zsa zsa Padilla) was run over by a car.

What happens when Patrick finally strings their perplexing past? Will he be as gracious as his courting ways? More importantly, will he be magnanimous?

Emmanuel Palo’s “A Moment in Time” makes a cinematic discourse on the nature of love and its aptitude to exculpate fatal blunders of the past. Coating his artistic canvas with cotton candy scenography, the film is as charming as its leads. Coco Martin, after a sketchy turn in Jerome Pobocan’s “Born to Love You”, succeeds with an imprudent, if disproportionate delineation of a grieving man who pulls out all the stops to woo a dismissive girl who, it turns out, has demons of her own.

It’s refreshing to see a relaxed Coco Martin far from the teeth-gnawing rigor of melodrama. He embellishes his performance with pizzazz, imbuing the screen with wide grins and even a delightful song (Orange and Lemons’ “Umuwi Ka Na Baby”) and dance (oohlala!) scene. Julia Montes displays her considerable gravitas in a performance that becomes one of the greatest suffering heroines of the silver screen. She befittingly complements Martin’s charismatic romcom hero.

The plot is predictable at times, and there are occasional annoying strains in its narrative formation; i.e. once successful in their romantic pursuit, they always end up turning away. It’s a head scratcher really, but formula is what gives the genre its hustle.

It could have been an interesting dissertation following its earlier premise: What indeed is the face of love? But this strain gets forfeited in the narrative ruble. We don't expect mainstream cinema to go further than cursory glimpses beyond philosophical musings.

Plot contrivances are inherent in local romcoms. Regardless, “A Moment in Time” is a harmless entertainment fodder that rightfully bestows a feather in the adorably lisping Coco Martin’s romcom cup. 

As for Julia Montes, this German-Pinay beauty proves to her audience that her irrefutable boobtube success in the teleserye “Walang Hanggan” is no fluke. After all, it’s hard to argue with a full crowd who riddles the cinema atmosphere with romantic giggles. Let’s forget for a few minutes that getting a Schengen visa for a European sojourn isn't as easy – or as cheap as a P180,000 bank deposit - as they’d have you believe. 

Coco Martin bikes around Amsterdam's scenic countryside.

Julia Montes as Jillian Linden: stricken with guilt.

Coco Martin  as Patrick becomes a full-fledged romcom hero. 

The Mommy Returns - Horrible Creatures

Ruby and William Martirez (Pokwang and Gabby Concepcion) are celebrating their 25^th wedding anniversary with a plush party. While fixing themselves up, Ruby gets fatally electrocuted. She dies instantaneously leaving her three children - Amy (Kiray Celis), Toffi (Gerald Pesalga) and Saf (Jillian Ward) – under William’s care. But the decorous and successful dad harbors a secret that requires urgent action. He has been diagnosed with Prostatic Cancer! And he dreads leaving his children as orphans.

At the wake, William serendipitously meets commercial model Catherine (Ruffa Gutierrez) who’s had a crush on him since she was a little girl. Two weeks after Ruby’s burial, William proposes. Without much fanfare, they get married. The children ardently oppose and show their displeasure by making life a living hell for the amicable madrasta.

Meanwhile, Ruby finds herself at the gates of heaven where she meets Jorga (John Lapus), the caretaker of Purgatory, where Ruby awaits judgment. As fate would have it, Ruby manages to escape Purgatory and goes back to Earth to settle some unfinished business with her family. In fact, she wants to free her family from the clutches of Catherine who, to her, is a repugnant character. She has to be eliminated or her family might suffer.

While patiently trying to win over the children’s good graces, Catherine tries hard but never quite succeeds: she’s eternally running late; buys the wrong stuff at the grocery, finds her culinary specialty peppered with live mice. Everything goes awry and she senses this has something to do with the dead wife whose face is emblazoned all over the house, sneeringly looking down her way. Moreover, she experiences vivid dreams of a hand-to-hand combat against a cantankerous Ruby. What’s a new wife to do?

With the children brazenly denouncing her presence, would she ultimately give up the domestic ruckus? Is William really dying? More importantly, will Ruby ever succeed with her mission to get rid of Catherine? Will Ruby find her way back to the netherworld where San Pedro waits for his pet chicken Manny inadvertently taken along Ruby’s journey?

The story’s gist is impudently derived from the TV series “100 Days to Heaven”, without even mentioning Vic Sotto’s “Pak! Pak! My Doctor Kwak” which had an almost similar theme. But Director Joel Lamangan populates his cinematic palette with the most horrible excuse of human beings. There’s the dying father who’s rushing his matrimonial plunge so someone could take care of his children when he croaks (isn’t deception horrible?) There’s the new stepmother who dubiously agrees to marry her beau less than two weeks after their serendipitous meeting (why was she that desperate to tie the knot?) There’s the greedy in-law (Gloria Diaz as Mabel Diaz Laurel, a society matron who has fallen on hard times) who’s ecstatic over Catherine’s marriage to William as it would allow her to pay off all her accumulating debts (aren’t we the opportunistic in-law?) There are the meanest children who would do everything to embarrass and plague their stepmom with cussed accusations and disparaging remarks. Is this the accurate picture of modern youth? Rude, disrespectful and vicious? When you have kids like these, why would you want to be a mom? I shudder at the thought.

You wouldn’t be too surprised about the children’s demeanor. After all, apples (rotten ones) don’t fall too far from the tree, and their mother Ruby exemplifies the worse of them all. She wasn’t merely distrustful when she was still alive (she was a jeweler). As a wandering ghost, she’s consumed by a blind initiative to wreck havoc on the life of Catherine. Why would she want that on a girl fortuitously named Catherine (wink, wink)? If she really cared about her kids, would she prefer them fatherless as well if indeed William dies from cancer? Or is she clueless about his ailment? Don’t ghosts acquire a little more wisdom after passing over? Sometimes, there are tenets of common sense that aren’t easily overlooked. And overlook these, they did!

But wait. I am not quite done yet. Even Inday, the nanny (Moi Marcampo) is duplicitous; Rodel, the ex-boyfriend (Ervic Vijandre) is a scornful ex-convict. Heck, even Senior San Pedro’s assistant, the effete Jorga (Lapus), is a horned out fag lusting after construction workers. Where do we find decent human beings in this Lamangan macrocosm?

The film concludes with one of cinema's most ridiculously abrupt and petty resolutions. I had to pinch myself to realize that all the problems have been concluded by a horrid gown. ;) In fact, if delivering a gown was all it took to patch a domestic squabble, then we should all deliver gowns to find our happily ever after.

Sapphire, Topaz and Amethyst

Children burst with merriment when they learned that Catherine was leaving the house.

Joel Lamangan, once reviled by critics, hasn’t done a mainstream commercial film in a while so I was (well, not exactly looking forward but) expecting a work that’s middle of the road. After all, the director’s experience should teach him proficiency is some aspects of the film making process. Or has it? “The Mommy Returns” conspicuously underscores Lamangan’s fall into mediocrity and highlights all of his weaknesses. In fact, he has never done a movie this bad, he might as well farm camote on the hills of Alitagtag than do another film of this caliber. 

Pokwang, in her second lead role this year (she opened the film year with "A Mother's Story"), keeps the movie afloat, but doesn’t really transcend anything more than a perfunctory conduct to fulfill a banal character written on “bursts of ideas” (scriptwriter Ricky Lee recently explained on television about Mother Lily’s acumen to mine stories: “She has bursts of ideas that we freely develop into full stories.”) The enthusiastic comedienne once again parades her bevy of circus-styled costumes that puts Cirque du Soleil to shame! I was half expecting a trapeze swinging her way. You know, like a burst of inspiration, debah?

Gabby Concepcion and Ruffa Gutierrez have been around the business for so long. But it’s amazing how they have evolved into hammy performers. Gabby, for example, walks around with episodic emotions. He is dying, yet you never fully understand why you don’t feel the grief. There is no emotional baggage to speak of. Isn't this pertinent since you recently lost your wife? And that you’re dying from prostatic cancer? A scene has him knocking on his effete son Toffi’s room after getting the sad news from his doctor. With shoulders hunched down, Gabby should be almost inconsolable, right? Well, not really. He succeeded to look tired instead. Not grieving. Concepcion seems to live in the past, say circa 1989 when he was doing “Gorio and Tekla” with Maricel Soriano, or “Rosa Mistica” with Snooky Serna. Nothing much has changed. Even his looks has stagnated into delectable youth and unfortunately, bland demeanor.

Gabby Concepcion

Ruffa Gutierrez, on the other hand, can’t seem to drop her beauty queen schtick so she walks around with an imaginary crown on her head - and a throne pasted at her backside. You don’t quite find the character in her. What you feel instead is someone languishing on glory that’s so 1993 (when she won Miss World 2^nd runner-up) – and that’s almost 20 years ago! Moreover, she doesn’t mirror the deportment of a 37 year old lady who has attained character. She wallows in a perceived glorious past. She was a better actress in 1993 when she did Joey Romero’s “Maricris Sioson: Japayuki”. Isn’t this sad? What is so wrong with a clan that has grown around the performing industry yet each member is as bland as the next sibling? Grabeh!

Kiray Celis is a funny presence because she takes her role to heart as Gabby’s obstinate daughter. She’s even funnier when she stands beside Hiro Magalona (who’s playing her suitor and confidant). The humor rests on her straight forward depiction, taking on something comic for dramatic. When Ruffa, as the stepmom, gifts her with a puppy, she shrieks: “Isauli mo na yan…beach!” Of course she meant “bitch”. She repeats to emphasize, “Di ba babaeng aso is beach?” Good heavens. Now let's practice elocution, children: "Beach! Beeeech!" "Bitch! betch" 'Betcha by golly wow"! "Life is a beach, bitch!" Now isn't that fun?

Finally, one of my sources of annoyances is the casting of Moi Marcampo (Piolo Pascual’s ex- girl Friday and former Survivor castaway) as the family’s nanny Inday. Instead of wearing a yaya’s frock, she traipses around with earrings the size of a gong, 3-inch shoes, designer outfit, cringe-worthy backless blouses and a cosmopolitan coif as though she was walking the runway even when merely serving juice. I get the intention that her character is rooting for. Unfortunately Marcampo is so raw and discombobulated where her acting acumen is concerned. Simple sentences are met with consumate distress. She can't even scoff properly. She ultimately ends up looking like a displaced street walker in desperate need of a customer. Whoever gave her this delusion that she should get into films deserves to be tied down the stakes and tickled for 12 straight hours until he pees in his knickers! Marcampo was given lines to accentuate her supposed hip presence, but she stalls in monotone and incomprehension. When she finds a stray chicken in a room, she painfully exhorts: “There’s a big cock in the kitchen!” There should be laughter. Instead, a cold shiver ran down my spine. Something gargantuan hit her in the face. Inexperience. The agonizing kind.     

Ruffa Gutierrez and Pokwang

Kiray Celis' amusing presence. Below are some of her enviable encounter with  the boys.

It's in the attitude: Kiray with Gerald Anderson, Sam Concepcion, Daniel Padilla, Markky Stroem and Inigo Pascual (Papa Piolo's son).

Kiray with Enchong Dee. I'd trade places with Kiray's right hand. Haha. Can I grope the rectus abdominis too? :;) 

Kiray with Aldred Gatchalian.

Hiro Magalona plays Kiray's suitor and confidant.

Moi Marcampo: Clueless! (left)

Ervic Vijandre plays Rodel, Catherine's ex-boyfriend.

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow – Painfully Bad, Excruciatingly Schmaltzy

Mariel (Maricel Soriano) rules the family-owned television network with steel fist and feral stance. It’s an aspect of her life she has absolute control of. Otherwise, her private life is in shambles. Her only daughter Eunice (Eula Caballero) favors her stepmother Charlotte (Carla Abellana) over her. Her former husband Garry (Gabby Concepcion) lives in marital bliss with new wife Charlotte. Meanwhile, her brother Jacob (Jericho Rosales) helps out in the network, but seems preoccupied with his domestic affairs: his wife Lorie (Lovi Poe) despises spending most of her time with their baby boy, and occasionally steals moments to sing for her band. The family patriarch (Ronaldo Valdez) – a paraplegic - oversees his business empire with his intermittent presence, while his second wife Agnes (Agot Isidro) has an extra marital affair with her personal trainer Derek (Dennis Trillo). Celine (Solenn Heusaff), Mariel’s half sister is patiently “training” under the wings of her acid-tongued half sister. She is dismissive of her boyfriend Vince’s (Paulo Avelino) constant presence, and harbors an attraction with Derek.

One day, a powerful earthquake bears sweeping repercussion to the tedium of their lives.

HIGH STRUNG

With unbelievable schmaltz and a persistently high-strung turn of events that play out like livid strokes of slap-happy melodrama, Jun Lana’s “Yesterday Today Tomorrow” once again displays Lana’s fixation to the 80’s flavored drama. In fact, I didn’t realize this was Lana’s work until I curiously found some blatant semblance to the recently shown “My Neighbor’s Wife”. It may in fact be a narrative extension of the latter. Even the actors in “My Neighbor’s Wife” – Dennis Trillo, Lovi Poe and Carla Abellana – play similar character arc and motivations.

WHAT HAPPENED, MARICEL?

What’s worse: Lana has managed to singularly destroy Maricel Soriano’s spotless reputation as an insightful, albeit superior caliber actress. What happened to Maricel Soriano? There never was a time that La Soriano was ever mediocre in any of her previous film projects: drama, comedy, action, even dance/musical. She could run thespic rings around her former rival Sharon Cuneta who, in her earlier years, coasted solely on charm and media hype. But for the first time, I was surprised to find Ms. Soriano heavy handed and misdirected. This was a Soriano that’s graceless, shrill and mediocre. Her one-note performance is baffling. What has time done to one of the most versatile actresses this business has ever produced?

CACOPHONOUS

Lovi Poe and Carla Abellana aren’t bad, but what do you say about a performance that mimics their own portrayal in a different film (“My Neighbor’s Wife”)? You don't get a pat on the back for repeating yourself! I’d have to say that in confrontation scenes involving Maricel Soriano and Carla Abellana, the latter gracefully stood her ground against the formidable Soriano. In fact, it actually emphasized Abellana’s inherent gift because she made Soriano look cacophonous and roughly discordant in temperament. That isn’t saying Abellana is worthy of an award. In this flick, the only commendable performers are Dennis Trillo, Jericho Rosales, and surprisingly Solenn Heusaff!

Trillo depicts his kept-boy character with empathy. He is onerous to decipher. In fact, he delves into Derek in multiple levels of execution; he paints Derek’s intentions as a gray area. That’s no mean feat, considering how Lana wrote his characters. Rosales has always been a sensitive performer. His sincere depiction keeps his and Lovi’s story viable. I only visualize a problem whenever he starts enunciating in English (like when he delivered his child’s eulogy). Solenn Heusaff is an amazing find. She is very comfortable in her role. You feel when she winces after getting dressed down by her half sister in front of others, or when she’s turning his boyfriend away, or when she flirts with her mother’s personal trainer. Heusaff is an honest performer, and she delves into her scenes with no emotive excesses. Her debacle? She speaks rather briskly. On stage, as in cinema, emphasis of text takes priority. Your words should resonate, regardless of how brief or simple they are.

IMPLAUSIBLE

Jun Lana is a notable playwright. He is the youngest member of the Palanca Hall of Fame in 2006, winning 11 of them previously. But his film work as a director is too far removed from his excellent writing. In fact, he lingers from too much caterwauling and peppers his narrative with implausible coincidences. Furthermore, the most preposterous “deus ex machina” is intermittently laid out like freebies to move his narratives. How many times did Celine catch his mother in her personal trainer’s flat? Isn’t once enough? When Charlotte suddenly finds Mariel nauseated, there was a suggestive glance exchanged between the wife and the ex-wife, you’d think Charlotte would start getting suspicious, but she didn’t. Whenever a scene is expected to shift its plot, the music swells – you’d think the sky's going to start falling anytime.

Lana is ill at ease being a megman. And if I were to be very blunt about it, he is wanting of talent where visual story telling is concerned. Stick to what you do best, Mr. Lana, and leave film direction to those who know what they’re doing.

Otherwise, we’re all stuck in strung-out melodramas that make bad actresses out of good ones – like Maricel Soriano. It is such a revolting comeback vehicle for someone of Soriano's stature. Isn't that sad?

10 Horrific Truths About Topel Lee's "White House"

A horror flick with smiling faces and a sexy pose. Go figure!

1. That the honeymoon period for comebacking actor Gabby Concepcion is over. In this movie, Gabby plays spirit expert Jet Castillo who inadvertently exposes his daughter Sien and wife Issa (Angel Jacob) to the nasty spirits that roam the hall ways of Baguio City’s “White House”. Mr. Concepcion’s performance ranges from the frowning Latin-spewing spiritist to the cinematic sycophant who grovels in front of the screen to please his “fans”.

Indeed, at times, we felt like he was performing to the peanut gallery crowd who would sigh at his every line. He was insincerely taking us for a ride the way he did his several ex-wives. No, Mr. Concepcion, you’re playing the character of a desperate father out to retrieve the sequestered soul of his daughter Sien, shanghaied inside the White House. You’re not performing before an adoring “The Buzz” audience who would giggle at your every grin. How could a charming actor evolve into middle-age blandness?

2. That Mo Twister, aka Mohan Gumatay (whose mother is of Indian descent) needs to spend more time in acting workshops than writing his idle thoughts on twitter, speculating whether he should watch a movie or just stay home and masturbate.

I’d have to admit I once had a huge crush on him, and I love his TV interviews (remember that classic tete-a-tete with a spaced out and clueless Ara Mina). Mo has a fast wit and a loud, sexy voice. His boyish grin lights up the screen. However, the same demeanor doesn’t translate well into a believable character. It was Mo Twister pretending to be, er… Mo Twister. His delivery appeared to be all hot-air with no hint of redemption – a 2-D cartoon character that belongs to a different medium. When he finally gets his comeuppance, it was such a relief to have finally gotten rid of him.

Mo Twister & Sarah Labahti

3. That Megan Young has such an arresting presence on screen. She plays a heartbroken writer whose boyfriend (the horribly self-conscious Chris Cayzer) proposes a cool off period so he could date her friend. This took her to audition for a slot in a reality-TV program called “Pinoy Horror House” where 8 persons will vie for P1 million. Whoever is left inside the house after 5 days of being sequestered inside shall win the prize.

4. Joem Bascon spoofs a habitual male pageant contestant, Dom Romero, whose rhetorics and trite replies during interviews (“Thank you very much for that question.”) provided some of the film’s few pleasurable moments. However, as the narrative strain progresses, his character stagnates into someone who’s disdainful and annoying. We somehow knew he was gonna start the eventual pile up of body count.

Iza Calzado

5. That director Topel Lee has finally used up all the straws I’ve reserved for him as a promising film maker. If you’ve seen “Imahe-Nasyon” (2006), an omnibus project featuring 20 of the country’s most prolific indie film makers, addressing the issue on national identity 20 years after the Edsa Revolution, then you would agree with me that Topel Lee’s work there (“Ang Manunulat”) was one of the few visually-arresting original ideas. He went on to direct Judy Anne Santos and Jolina Magdangal in the serviceable horror film, “Ouija“ as well as the earlier “Dilim” (a ground breaking vigilante movie with a twist). Lee is, no doubt, a visual director. Unfortunately, that alone doesn’t constitute a great movie.

In “White House”, he litters his moods with loud dissonant music and a hundred-and-one distracting drones that half-way into the film, his audience’s capacity for fright has but run out. In fact, despite those ashen faced children creeping inside refrigerators and cabinets, crawling under the beds, you end up with a sinking feeling that Mr. Lee has been watching too much generic kwaidans and those Thai horror movies, he’s actually run out of fresh ideas of his own.

6. When all the spirits pile out of Gabby’s body, it felt like a bad version of “The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus” instead of a troubling horror film. The only thing scary in this film was when a character actually remarked, ”This is better than your soap opera!” You wish! I’d say, this was more annoying that Simon Cowell. In White House’s TV ads, KC Concepcion is caught saying, “Come watch it. Kayo ay matutuwa!” What a smart girl! Then she suddenly realized this was an inappropriate phrase to describe a horror movie. She then corrects herself: “nakakatakot”! But hey, we’ve already got her real thoughts about her father’s movie. Atta girl, KC! We appreciate pretty girls who speak their minds. ;->

7. That after the abominable “Wapakman” and this banal “White House”, director Topel Lee should hibernate or revisit his indie roots where he thrived under less resources. In the mainstream world, Lee loses his inventiveness and ends up like the rest of GMA Film directors who are worse than mediocre.

Joem Bascon: ad model and male pageant contestant

8. That Sarah Labahti and Lovi Poe display their glaring limitations in “White House”. Enough of that gum-chewing persona, Miss Poe. That’s been done with great success in “Walang Hanggang Paalam”. Redundancy of characterization only shows how lost Lovi was in “White House”. Not enough time to conjure a significant persona so she resorted to one that worked before.

I’ve known of call center agents, none of whom chewed gums like there’s no tomorrow. None of whom acted like Calamine-requiring sluts. Of course I am aware of studies showing how such call center agents have become exponents of the effective dissemination and propagation of the HIV virus, but let’s not be too obvious, Ms. Poe. As for Ms. Labahti, the only thing she imparted was the impression that she could be perfectly forgettable. Jeez, these GMA talents are in desperate need of coaching from rival ABS CBN whose actors are proficient performers many times over. Wala bang budget sa GMA to get better acting coaches? Remember Angel Locsin’s blandness before she jumped to the other yard?

Megan Young & Lovi Poe: writer and call center agent

9. That “White House” has succeeded in giving Iza Calzado her worst performance in her enviable career.

Not even that nauseating Indie flick Jowee Morel’s “Mona: Singapore Escort” was she this bad! (Do you remember how Iza allegedly walked out during the preview screening of “Mona”, which was about a Pinay who worked as an escort girl in Singapore?) The lovely Iza – one of my all-time favorite actresses – just looked out of place within the exposition. This was funny because Iza was the film’s major nemesis! She was the “Black Lady”. Why she wore black was never explained. Baka she was fashionably conscious as a ghost? LOL

I would then venture on the obvious. For making Ms. Calzado look bad, the film’s writers are a bunch of sniveling idiots.

10. That their idea of “spirit attachment” is suspiciously similar to flu-like symptoms that eventually progressed into meningitis. The child suddenly developed fever, was vomiting, became weak, then got stuporous and unconscious! Didn’t I say meningitis? And Gabby had to travel all the way to Baguio for this misdiagnosis! Makes me wonder who their medical consultant was for this film. Baka si Dr. Vicky Belo. Then it would be such a relief to come out from their shooting looking all thermaged and botoxed out! Dang!

Gabby Concepcion: middle-age blandness takes the form of a spirit expert (huh?)

Iza Calzado and Jesse Bradford: two of my favorite artists in the world!

gabbing about gabby

My memories of him gently fading into the limelight are obscure, but one thing was sure. There were trickles of disgrace around it. Gabby Concepcion - in a film festival scam along with Ruffa Gutierrez and their erswhile manager, the infamous Lolit Solis. There was even a beauty queen involved (Miss Viveka Babaje). That was eons ago. Time has obviously healed wounds.

When Gabby recently returned after a 13 year self-imposed exile, he shook the public with his charm and appeal, looking ever so youthful than his contemporaries. And boy, he has never looked so good - and boyish! Suddenly, this has inspired fans of his generation to root for a movie reunion with Sharon Cuneta. What can I say, people love romance!

So... he starts his bid with a mini-series, "Iisa Pa Lamang".

But there is something amiss. The ABS CBN people gave him a character who actually plays second fiddle to Diether Ocampo! In the series, Claudine pines for Diether while Gabby patiently waits on the sides, looking forlorn. This resurgence of Gabby's matinee idol appeal suddenly gets a very cold shower!!! Who ever thought of serving this turkey to Mr. Concepcion deserves to be burned at the stakes! They single handedly halted his red-hot momentum! What a waste!

Though I am a certified ABS CBN patron (I hardly even recognize 80% of the GMA Artist population, for pete's sake), I am not fond of this series. For starters, Claudine looks matronly, and the believability of her triumphs and miseries swing faster than an overcharged pendulum; the plots are just plain implausible.

Then there is Angelica Panganiban. She with the tamest of faces and the rawest of emotions! This girl reminds me of a foregone and forgotten era when Donita Rose spelled subtlety in every minor film role she tackled. Angelica is just amazing. Lately however, I have intermittently caught some of her lines in the series. With a slur of quotable lines delievered in the Queen's language, I got uncomfortable - as uncomfotable as her spoken english! So - if there are minor gods residing in middle earth, I beseech thee to swallow me whole everytime she lunges into the queen's language again! Or, for heaven's sake, give her lines in Tagalog! Let us not further expose her limitations to her adoring fans!

There's the queenly Susan Roces whose scenes vacillate between the livid grandma - better coined by someone as "gigil na gigil" - or the the imploring "woe is me" matriarch of a luckless family. It's like Phillip Salvador's role in "For the First Time". Mr. Salvador wears a single mask with its single facial expression during for the movie's duration. Ms. Roces wears two masks for "Iisa Pa Lamang." Ang Laurice Guillen wears three. LOL. The Kapamilya network has a great primetime lineup that lights up our evenings - except this dud!

For now, I'd rather listen to Gabby sing his love songs, hoping he would find another television series that is worth his stature - obviously those that won't have him playing second fiddle to anyone! He deserves no less!