Bb. Joyce Bernal's "The Super Parental Guardians" - That Vice Ganda Magic!

Arci aka Ariel Ciriaco Taulava (Vice Ganda) works as the executive assistant of Madam Marife delos Santos (Assunta de Rossi), wife of the influential spokesperson of the Philippine National Police. He also doubles as the social media manager and runner of the impatient madam who promises to help him get employment in Korea where he dreams of working as an interior designer. To add to his growing list of chores, he's tasked to house-sit the matron's mansion currently undergoing renovations.  

One day, he unexpectedly reunites with Sarah Nahbati (Matet de Leon), his childhood best friend. When Sarah falls victim to the series of murders happening in her neighborhood, Arci gets the custody of Sarah's children, 12-year old Megan aka Melvin Gaspar and 5-year old Ernie (Awra Briguella and Onyok Pineda, respectively). 

But not if Paco aka Neil Nahbati (Coco Martin), the children's uncle, can help it. To keep the kids in a safer surroundings, Paco decides to take shelter in Arci's home (which isn't really his to begin with).

Together, the odd couple play momshie and papsie to the precocious kids who are having difficulties in school. Ernie can't be stopped from scribbling all over his school walls. Megan's grades are plummeting ("from 97's to 79's"). A mother's death, a new guardian and relocation don't exactly make life easy for children, right? Meanwhile, Paco, a former gang leader, is turning over a new leaf as he pursues being a stunt man. But his immediate past is briskly catching up with him. In fact, he is being pursued by Jake (Joem Bascon), his gang's arch enemy - and the current boyfriend of ex-flame Emme (Bela Padilla). 

When Megan and Ernie are kidnapped by Jake's minions, Paco and Arci must act fast. Or this would spell the end of their bahay bahayan.

Bb. Joyce Bernal's "The Super Parental Guardians" has a story that mirrors contemporary events. Suddenly, the life of the Filipinos is peppered with vigilantes. People are dropping like flies because a segment of society has decided to play judge, jury and executioner. If this isn't enough, the unfortunate respondents to the growing statistics even includes "kahit yung mga mukhang drug addict". You can be a suspect and die - without getting a day in court! If this is an idiot's interpretation on the concept of peace and security, then you can forget that civilization actually follows a set of rules - and the constitution - that also safeguards against abuse.   

This makes cinema a relevant mirror of society. But enough of this wanton philosophizing. This isn't the right vehicle for this topic. The story also becomes a flimsy smokescreen to the production's main objective - a festival-grade money-making scheme. How else do you explain the sudden appearance of a game-console button that spits up exploding balls? Did Vice suddenly acquire magical powers from Engkantasia? 

Then when Arci, along with his beki troop, pursues the bad guys at a train depot, they find Megan and Ernie tied up on a hand rail, and forthwith there appears zombies bound for Boo-san. Yeah, we understand satire, but even the most popular ones need to make sense within a story. Unless, of course, if time is running fast and a deadline is being pursued - so you conjure narrative strains that don't even fit in the mold. But that is an act of desperation.   

Vice Ganda is a cut above the rest. He can make the silliest lines hilarious. His witticism easily translates into physical and verbal humor. And there are quite a number here. Like when he gets his Korean visa and unexpectedly meets Matet. The bag-hitting stunt would have been silly, but it drew laughter all around. 

Scenes from the wake similarly succeed in bringing forth amusement, particularly when he was making selfies with the corpse; then again when he gives his beki troop Kathryn, Liza and Nadine (MC, Lassy and Kiray Celis) a streak of face smacks. That was slapstick, and as old as the Three Stooges. Not fond of it, but it was funny nevertheless. One particularly silly number happens when newly arrived Arci takes a photo of an unwelcoming maid. We knew that the "Ay, na lowbat!" punch line was coming, but sometimes jokes gain their hilarity from a comic's competence.   

Coco Martin gets his cue from the world of Cardo, his character in the top-rating "Ang Probinsyano". Unfortunately, while Cardo brims with charm, Paco lacks the empathy of his television persona. 

It doesn't help that Paco postures like an action star - and constantly wears a sulk. Sure, his TV series is hard to topple, but let this be a reminder that there's a very valid reason why the action genre has died a natural death. If he decides to embark on a movie career as an action star from hereon, he will soon realize why the genre has rested in peace, thank heavens.

Coco isn't absolutely charmless, as when he occasionally flirts with the boisterous Arci. Or when he walks out of after a confrontation with Arci saying, "Yuck!" His lisp is occasionally onerous, but he has learned to be comfortable with it. In real life, lisping doesn't diminish a person's functional capacity. Yun nga lang, these little imperfections are magnified on screen. As the story comes to its climax, Coco makes a go with Gary Valenciano's "Wag Ka Ng Umiyak" bringing the audience to hilarity.  

AWRA AND ONYOK

Awra Briguella is given his spotlight, as he squares of, if a bit prematurely, with the seasoned Vice. Some memorable scenes: Megan competes with Vice for the hunky construction workers' attention. While they serve them spaghetti, Arci offers them chicken lollipops and Megan has his glutinous "ginataang bilo bilo". In another scene, Arci suffers from Megan's acrobatic number at Family Day. That was kickass hilarious! Onyok Pineda, unfortunately, fails to translate his magic on celluloid. His lines are either shrill or labored.  

Some jokes don't quite make the grade: the sudden appearance of the Leila de Lima-lookalike shouting from nowhere (it was a punch line without a premise); the ramen-date of Coco and Vice and the noodle-pulling stint; and the appearance of the zombies. 

That they didn't give Kiray Celis a more substantial part is a wasted opportunity. This little girl is funny as heck. If they didn't realize, Kiray is one of the year's biggest box-office stars, courtesy of the blockbuster movie, "Love is Blind". MC, Lassy and Negi give considerable support. I won't mind seeing them again in future comedy films.

I first time saw the movie on it's opening day after watching "Enteng Kabisote 10 and the Abangers" so it was easy to compare the influx of people. Let's just say someone got butchered in this competition. 

I watched it again yesterday in SM, to accompany my mom, where 5 of its 12 cinemas (including IMAX and Director's Club) were showing "SPG". Sotto's "Enteng" was showing in only 2 cinemas. In Light Mall, they've already pulled out "Enteng" in favor of the disappointing vampire flick "Underworld: Blood Wars".

BOX OFFICE 

Industry insiders whisper that Star Cinema padded its P65 million opening (Enteng has P14 million). But if you consider the ratio of theater distribution, it seems very possible to earn as much as they said they did. As I write this (Sunday), Robinson's Galleria has 3 cinemas for "SPG" and 1 for "EK". SM North Edsa (and The Block) has 4 cinemas for "SPG" and 1 for "EK". Gateway has 3 cinemas for "SPG"and 2 for "EK". Greenbelt 3 does not show "EK"at all. "SPG" has allegedly breached the P150 million-mark on its 4-day run.

While I am not entirely sold on the artistry of "SPG", the movie made me laugh. But there are portions also that spotlight its weaknesses. The zombie appearance is one part. That scene alone was a palpable reminder why "SPG" didn't quite make the festival grade this year. 

But if Vice Ganda has something to say about his film's non-inclusion, he wasn't going to shut up about it. In its climactic end, he bawls his heart out and shouts, "Ba't kami hindi nasali sa filmfest?!" Then he blames the kids: "Dahil yata sa mga batang ito." Stroke of brilliance. It was so darn funny. 

But it also made people think. Money rules?

Or maybe, it's something simpler. 

Note:

Please read our featured post about Web Criticism:
- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html




#superparentalguardians   #viceganda   #cocomartin   #joycebernal   #awrabriguela   #onyokpineda

John Paul Su's "Toto"- The U.S. Visa as Measure of Success

Toto (Sid Lucero) has but one dream - to go to America. So he's turning every rock to find the means to get there. But the American visa is a huge stumbling block. It doesn't help that the amiable hotel bellhop has very few treasures to show at the embassy. His checklist is a tall order: a rich family, a fat bank account and the steadfast resolve to hurdle every rejection. Now where can he acquire the aforementioned?

Toto's prospects aren't promising. His head is up in the clouds, barely looking over his shoulders to realize that his girlfriend Tessa (Mara Lopez) and best friend Yam (Thou Reyes), who both harbor feelings for him, are conveniently being taken for granted. But this is his "show", not theirs, so he's all too willing to dance to the popular tune, the "Macarena", no matter how cheesy it is, to find his place in the American sun.

On the side, Toto peddles pirated DVDs and postures like Tom Cruise. He meets Eve Porter (LIza Dino), a fil-am guest in the hotel where he works, who accepts his marriage-for-convenience proposal, But it will cost him. Another guest, David (Blake Boyd), a gay businessman from Texas, becomes an unexpected mentor and friend. But even the best laid plans don't always turn the way we want them to. 

John Paul Su's "Toto" is a comedy of manners, though this time it zeroes in on the working class. Many stories have been told about the much-vaunted American dream. Heck, even Cameron Mackintosh's "Miss Saigon" (recently screened in SM Cinemas nationwide) sang-and-danced for it. Bela Padilla's more recent "I America" was screened at the Cinemalaya with very similar story and setting, it even has Thou Reyes playing another gay friend named Whitney! 

THE AMERICAN DREAM

People dream for different reasons although most Filipinos do it for the opportunities they present. Economic and financial security are, after all, as basic a need as breathing air. Sid Lucero, in an Inquirer interview, mentioned that he dreams of just flipping burgers, feeding people and surfing - that's his piece of the American dream. I don't have an American dream. I may be as colonial in manner and sensibility, but my heart lies in this archipelagic mess. This takes me to the wayward ideation that getting to America is, by itself, a measure of success. Babaw huh. Filipinos should put a lid on this and readjust their criteria to something more substantial. Your stepping on American soil does not automatically make you the epitome of success, but a mere statistics of migration.

This exactly is the reason why I am hardly fond of movies with such themes. Opportunities are available right within our shores. You don't need to go to, say Hong Kong, earn P7,000 a month as a domestic helper, and call yourself an achiever, do you? Propagating the mystic of migration does a disservice to the talent of the Filipino. Despite all these, the diaspora continues.

"There is desperation all over, but one tendered with glee and enthusiasm.

"Toto" makes the journey to acquiring a visa more upbeat, and Sid Lucero does a great job depicting the resolute spirit of the Filipino dreamer. There is desperation all over, but one tendered with glee and enthusiasm. This is the Filipino's penchant for seeing the silver lining in the midst of misfortune and apathy. Doing Toto is like walking on thin ice because it is a crucial balancing act. Besides, Lucero once admitted that he isn't too crazy about slapstick comedy - or just comedy, in general. Thou Reyes is adorable as the protagonist's gay best friend who would rather go behind bars than see Toto fail. In some ways, he mirrors what true love is all about, i.e. that sacrifices are part of the package. Reyes is insightful, vulnerable and funny. 

COMPANION PIECES

I saw this movie last year at the Indie section of the Metro Manila Film Festival. I wasn't over-the-moon then, but I wanted a second viewing this time so I could place it alongside "I America" which is one of the better outputs from this year's hundred-and-one film festivals. Both movies are a companion piece. Robin Padilla's "La Visa Loca" (2005) is a distant cousin. I may have readjusted my perceptions about it but I am of the opinion that stories like these should be given a rest. Make no mistake, Director John Paul Su's movie is well made, adequately paced, entertaining and has great performances all around. But the subject matter is a bit of a pickle.

In my book, getting an American visa is a mere procedure and doesn't deserve a parade. Or a whole movie for that matter. More importantly, stepping on American soil is not a measure of success, and shouldn't be celebrated as such.          

Toto, Tessa and Yam share more than friendship.

Chris Martinez's "Working Beks" - Cinematic Preponderance and the Gay Men

Okay. Here's a premise that's almost too simplistic to share. But sometimes, people need reminding. Like other homo sapiens, gay men are human beings with their own burdens to carry. In Chris Martinez's "Working Beks", some of these specimen get fishbowl scrutiny. 

The film follows the lives of five gay men within a 24-hour period. Champ Reyno (Edgar Allan Guzman), a matinee idol, figures in a gay video scandal. He’s gone incommunicado and taping for his popular teleserye is put on hold for two weeks. 

After seeing his mother plead on television, Champ resurfaces. His handlers decide to face him off with a veteran investigative journalist (Leo Martinez) for a scripted revelation that would have him admit his romantic affair with perennial screen partner Joy Madriaga (Bela Padilla). But how do you smokescreen a viral video scandal?

Meanwhile, Tommy Sarmento (TJ Trinidad), a marketing executive for a liquor and beverage company, is on tenterhooks. Their company's number one product endorser is missing, but his extracurricular shenanigans might affect sales of their product. More than this, Tommy is gearing up for a well-earned promotion. But he soon discovers that he is being passed up for the position because he is gay. In fact, his homophobic boss detests Tommy’s flaunting of his “alternative lifestyle' - one that involves overachieving children and a supportive partner (Arnold Reyes).

Jet (Prince Stefan), a call center agent, learns that the random stranger he’s recently had unprotected sex with committed suicide upon learning that he’s HIV positive. To make matters worse, Jet has been feeling under the weather, with symptoms that include fever, coughing, malaise and night sweats. Does he? Could he?

Jet's lifestyle is an accident waiting to happen. His promiscuity has him cruising bars, hooking him up with strangers 7-8 days a week. His body is taking the brunt  of it all. He knows he needs to get himself tested. But he realizes that the journey to finding the truth is harder to accomplish.

Gorgeous aka Gregorio (John Lapuz), a cross-dressing food vendor, struggles to support his extended family who all depend on him. His mounting obligations don’t allow him to socialize so he keeps flirtations with a hunky security guard Gardo (Jeric Raval) at bay. Meanwhile, his no-good father (Rez Cortez) is harassing him for a dole out, something that he doesn’t have.  

Finally, Mandy (Joey Paras), a “reformed” gay man, is preparing to march down the aisle with sensitive bride Judith (Cai Cortez) who’s aware of his struggles. Unfortunately, Champ’s sex video provides an inconvenient bump on the road. This temptation is too potent to remind him of his real preferences. As a desperate measure, he enlists the help of his colleague Brother Benj (Atak) to cure him of his homosexual tendencies. In the process, they employ various methods of pseudoscience once believed to avert homosexuality. Would they work or should Mandy just walk away?

MORAL APATHY AND HEDONISM

Intermittently told in dramedic fashion, the cross-section of characters tackles concerns of the contemporary gay men, and there's considerable amusement to be had. Jet's story particularly rings like a discordant bell. In a society where even "killing" is sanctioned, endorsed and condoned by the authorities and its gutter-minded apologists, moral conventions become moot and academic. 

Killing loses its "illegality" (let's forget the moral grounds) because it is no longer regarded a social taboo. It's an everyday occurence. Weighed alongside these murders, Jet's nihilism seems inconsequential; a non-issue, in fact. What people don't realize is that this moral apathy is gradually rejecting even the very basic social conventions like manners and social grace.

In the movie, Jet finds meaning in his life by filling a vacuumn satisfied by his material desires, leading to an excessive hedonistic lifestyle of shallow sex and loud social events with even louder, if disposable, friends. He congratulates himself for his sexual catharsis that only provides temporary escapism. Unfortunately, Jet represents a steadily growing population of nihilists. 

DIGITAL VOYEURISM

Champ's dilemma, on the other hand, is a common scenario nowadays. This is a new world that fosters digital voyeurism, that even orgasm is one-click away. People's inherent nature to connect allows others to take advantage, employing the digital media to nefarious use. How many personalities have succumbed to the lure of the watchful and omnipresent video camera? These salacious videos, recorded and even traded for a bigger audience, have willing viewers because people are basically curious and wouldn't want to be left out of the bandwagon. Add into the fray, that dash of superiority of witnessing a person satisfying his most basic urges. 

This is why watching Champ tintinnabulate another guy's genitalia on video isn't too alien a concept. Not anymore. This leaves Mandy's story a bit stale, prosaic. Champ's proud member becomes part of a hundred others, nothing particularly special unless he has a gold-plated schlong the size of a molave branch. If I were Mandy, I'd go watch the video then move on. A mere sex video won't figure in any normal person's decisions - gay or straight. It baffles me why a silly video would make a dent on Mandy's marital plans, to be honest. The most that we should get from his story is its comic proclivities, a pampakwela more than a didactic exposition.  

This takes us to the elements surrounding Mandy's gay exorcism a.k.a. "conversion therapy". The design involves a series of "conditioning" meant to catechize or indoctrinate the mind into believing that homoerotic tendencies are distasteful and aberrant. It should averse the subject.

Thus "aversion therapy" is employed in the form of repetitive mantras ("I love the vagina", "Gay is not okay"); emesis therapy preconditions the subject to throw-up upon application of a visual stimulus, i.e. half-naked men. Then there's the more drastic and invasive electric shock therapy (ECT) employed similarly for schizophrenics and depressives unresponsive to medicine.

These treatments are, of course, considered archaic nowadays and have no scientific basis so it is rather odd that such ridiculous methods find their way in a modern, "educated" comic tale. But let's treat this as an artistic license to mine the comic possibilities. The result is a hit-and-miss affair. It would have been productive if they shortened these episodes in favor of a more grounded, albeit situational approach involving Mandy's surroundings and personal relationships. After all, it should be clear to every half-wit that no amount of rubber band punishment will change one's sexual preference. How do you combat an affliction too deeply ingrained in the genetic composition of a person? Immanuel Kant’s critique on metaphysics and conditioning doesn’t have a place in this diatribe. Surely, you don't psychoanalyze nature nor treat it as a pathological disease.

MOST SYMPATHETIC

Among the five characters, it is John Lapus' skillfully depicted and well-limned turn as Gorgeous we find most sympathetic, and for obvious reasons. Gorgeous doesn't deny his cross-dressing nature, and he acts and dresses like one, but this doesn't stop him from working hard for the people he loves. 

Neither does his homosexuality prevent him from becoming a decent person - and a productive member of society. In fact, it is his selflessness that defines him, not his being gay. It is in Gorgeous' story where we find the movie's cinematic worth and beating heart.

Like many Chris Martinez films, "Working Beks" bristles with wit and, in some way, cinematic urgency. Portions of it skid away carelessly, and stereotypical delineations sometimes get in the way of an insightful discourse. Nevertheless, it is a brave effort to showcase stories of the gender-benders otherwise relegated to comic support in mainstream films. While the arc of the narrative doesn't exactly allow it to soar, it is hard to dismiss the film as something less relevant. The stories fleetingly interconnect, but you get a decussatory feel among the characters; that there's a string that pulls them together to fuel cinematic preponderance.

     

Why we sometimes despise Web Criticism? (Our featured post)

- Read and weep: Cinema Bravo's Gag-Inducing Contributions

http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html



#workingbeks   #chrismartinez   #edgardallanguzman   #johnlapus   #tjtrinidad   #belapadilla   #princestefan   #joeyparas

Jun Lana's "Bakit Lahat ng Gwapo May Boyfriend?!" - Hope Springs Eternal

What is it about straight women and their affinity with gay men? If you think about it, the idea is counterintuitive. But there are sensible explanations. In such friendly relationships, there is no competition. They don't vie for the same "mate" so the issue of trust is embraced rather early into the relationship. From there, it is easy to cultivate cooperation and genuine kinship.

In Jun Lana's "Bakit Lahat ng Gwapo May Boyfriend?!" wedding planner Kylie (Anne Curtis) is a proverbial gay magnet - and she's indignant. She's been bamboozled many times over by handsome and seemingly masculine men who turn out to be gay. When she meets Diego, another "perfect specimen", there are red flags waving around. To make matters worse, she's helplessly attracted to the sensitive lad. Oh no! Experience has taught her a lesson or two. But is gorgeous Diego similar to her exes? There are tell-tale signs: he's a neat freak, organized; he's a gym rat with perfect masculine posturing from biceps down to the gluteus muscles. He shrieks louder while watching a scary movie. And didn't you notice that pinky jutting out when he holds a cup? What's a girl to do?

Who shouts the louder Darna?!

Kylie takes us on a roller coaster ride, intermittently breaking the fourth wall, to prove her theory. She is assisting Diego who's getting hitched in two months time with a gorgeous vixen (Yam Concepcion) who's more caught up with her blossoming career in Germany than her upcoming wedding. If her hunch is right, Benj (Paolo Ballesteros), Kylie's boss and Diego's childhood friend, will be conveniently waiting in the wings. There are too many odds to overcome for Kylie to be hopeful. But why does she get confusing signals from Diego? Is there mutual attraction between them? One drunken night, Kylie's patience runneth over.

Jun Lana's latest mainstream vehicle is immensely entertaining and surprisingly well made. The story is structured like any romcom formula, but it briskly engages its audience without too much plot contrivances. It's in fact a simple tale to tell. So we scrutinize the machinations of the director. Lana's works can be categorized into two: those masterful indies - and the middle-of-the-road mediocre mainstream flicks. The difference between the two types is conspicuous that I tend to wonder if Lana's mainstream efforts are heavily influenced, i.e. weighed down by the studio system.

Consider the following. Type 1: "Bwakaw", "Mga Kwentong Barbero", "Anino sa Likod ng Buwan", "Roxxxanne". Type 2: "The Prenup", "Yesterday Today Tomorrow", "My Neighbor's Wife". His indies will easily land in any cineaste's best list. "Bwakaw", for example, is one of my all-time favorites. However, his mainstream movies are messy and cliched (think Jose Javier Reyes) with difficulties in reconciling decent story telling and good film making. "Bakit Lahat ng Gwapo..." changes this. The movie is fun and well tempered. More importantly, the narrative flow is fueled by a coherent script and the winking humor from its delightful cast.

Though Dennis Trillo is more than proficient as the perfect male girls and gays swoon over, this cinematic vehicle belongs to Anne Curtis who moderates her performance with pedantic relish. And why not? - she's been gypped so many times, she has walked the path that others could only talk about. Curtis exudes charisma and confidence, but she cautiously calibrates this with acrid reservation. She may not declare it succinctly, but she is still hopeful for circumstances "swinging" her way. I can relate somehow. My best friend Kyle is a dreamboat. Sometimes, we already know the answer to our questions, but hope still springs eternal.

Dennis Trillo

Anne Curtis (Courtesy of Rogue Magazine)

#bakitlahatnggwapomayboyfriend  #annecurtis

Wenn Deramas' "Moron 5.2 The Transformation" - One Big Blooper

Albert, Isaac, Aristotle, Mozart and Michael Angelo (Luis Manzano, Billy Crawford, Marvin Agustin, DJ Durano and Matteo Guidicelli respectively) have grown up and gone “wiser” after graduating from high school. 

Albert (Manzano) takes up law, but is disenchanted by the course’s constant debates so he ends up selling hopia in Ongpin, pretending to be Chinese. Isaac (Crawford) seeks the limelight, doing auditions for roles he’s unlikely to get cast in: they want everything he isn't – thin, woman, child, ballerina, gay, etc. Aristotle (Agustin) dabbles into culinary, but his take on dishes are discrepant from his superiors’ (He serves paella for a “sinigang na tahong”). Mozart (Durano) manages a gym but ends up hurting his clients. And Michael Angelo (Guidicelli) recovers from an incident that has accidentally burned his face. His plastic surgeon has done wonders for his facial reconstruction (thus Moron 5’s Martin Escudero becomes Matteo Guidicelli).

On the home front, each of our protagonists has raised a family of his own, with beautiful wives (Yam Concepcion, Danita Paner, Nicki Valdez, Mylene Dizon) and smart bemedalled children (named Fidel, Macoy, Gloria, Corina) to boot. (Except Michael Angelo who shall serendipitously meet his princess.) Unfortunately, the children are embarrassed of their fathers’ bungling antics. “Sana ice cream na lang ako… para matunaw ako sa kahihiyan,” quips one of the kids. They’d rather hire strangers who shall pretend to be their fathers to attend their commencement ceremonies than be caught dead with their biological, albeit moronic fathers.

One night, while on a drinking spree, the quintet discovers what seems like a power-emitting object falling from the sky. After trying to retrieve it, they were struck by lightning – twice! Surviving from the catastrophe, the guys start to believe that this accident has transformed them into superheroes. And they've vowed to follow Peter Parker’s mantra (“With great power comes great responsibility.”) and help people in need. They've become invincible beings. Or have they?

Meanwhile, Beckie (John “Sweet” Lapus), the quintet’s former nemesis, has languished at the asylum. It’s been 7 years. His mental status exam has been deemed promising by his psychiatrist (Karla Estrada) who plans to discharge Beckie. But when asked what his name was, he replies, “Gretchen Barretto”. 

With his release deferred, Beckie plots to break out from the asylum. Without pulling a muscle – and the blundering help of his loony colleagues (Manuel Chua, Boom Labrusca) and a bollixed security guard (Chrome Cosio), they find themselves out of the mental institution. Together, they form Moron 5’s unlikely adversary. Will the evil forces succeed against our heroes? Guess.

Like its predecessor, the energy on display is quite stirring that the audience is left breathless from the film’s lightning pace and exuberant energy. There’s really no accounting for logic. With zippy speed of delivery, you aren't given enough time to think beyond the shallowest subject matters. 

Let’s take the case of one joke that lingered longer than it deserved: What time are the children’s dismissal from school? 3:15 or 3:16 PM? Getting the time right, as the joke would have you believe, spells a difference of “3 hours”? Or an hour? Hilarious, right? And if you bite the bullet, you must have noticed how this idiocy has been stretched for good measure until Deramas felt it served its comedic glory.

Perceived humor pulsates in similar fashion all throughout the movie. When Isaac cogitates, “Di ko maisip eh.” “May isip ba tayo?” Irony plays out effectively as this is reflective of the storyteller’s acumen. Is there an intelligent being behind the shenanigan? Cinema 8 was unnaturally quite. No laughters, no snickers, no slap on the lap - but then maybe it’s because there were just 5 of us inside the huge cinema. Where’s the usual Deramas crowd that loves to get dumb or dumber?

In this new era, slapstick absurdity a la Luciano Carlos seems misplaced. Have we moved forward into the new millennium? Is contemporary comedy really this vacuous? We seem to be stuck in the epoch of Pugo and Togo, Dolphy and Panchito, Babalu and Tange. At least the aforementioned have anchored their humor on comic situations instead of barren ideas. Moreover, constant references to Billy Crawford’s public disobedience, inebriation and transient incarceration smack of poor taste. Presinto, presinto, presinto. Crawford’s run-in with the law wasn't funny. It was't hip either. Otherwise, we might as well get uncontrollably drunk and maul a lady police officer – then we can all laugh about it, right? Hey, young punks! Let’s get drunk and smack a police man for harmless fun!

Why should people watch the movie? Their publicity drumbeaters proudly say, "Because the film teaches about family values." Isn't this a figment of fantasy? We have kids as young as 8 and 9 years old with doting, non-abusive fathers and seemingly contented mothers. Yet they'd rather denounce them, albeit very publicly, if I were to add, because they're stupid. Of course they had a change of heart when they realize that they're actually superheroes. But what values are we teaching our little ones? That love is conditional. We shall love our parents only if they're rich, successful or intelligent. The losers we shall cast away to the wind? I cringe at the thought of a society who accepts this line of thinking as valid measure of familial devotion. Have we forgotten the fifth commandment, that we "should honour thy father and thy mother"? This commandment is all encompassing and without a caveat. But just maybe, in Deramas' inane and fantastical world, elementary education doesn't have values education.

Were there even consequences for the children's cunning? Without them realizing that what they did was deplorable, these tykes shall grow up selfish pricks, opportunistic demons and greedy Philippine politicians. If I were their parents, I'd nip them in the bud and send them to Siberia, with Deramas as guardian, until they take real family values to heart.

Joy Viado’s role as Matteo Guidicelli’s romantic interest brings some comic moment. After all, Viado has mastered the art of self deprecation where her appearance is involved. Turning Viado into a romantic heroine is funny stuff, something that should have been realized early on by Emerson Reyes, the director of “MNL 143”, who huffed and puffed for the sake of artistic freedom when the Cinemalaya bigwigs balked at his idea to pair Viado with Allan Paule for a romantic drama; the conceit of arrogant rookie film makers who cannot be nudged to reconsider their stilted and pompous cinematic choices. Now wasn't that work forgettable? But I am digressing.  

Unlike other Wenn Deramas flicks, “Moron 5.2 The Transformation” doesn't have the requisite bloopers that get played at the closing credits. But this actually avoids redundancy. The whole movie is one big blooper.

Tony Y. Reyes' "My Illegal Wife" - Humor Challenged Borrowings

After getting booted out of a job in Japan, 39 year-old Clarisse Sabaldica (Pokwang) comes home with a resolve to find her children a “father”, someone they can depend on. As fate would have it, she serendipitously meets Henry James Acuesta (Zanjoe Marudo) on her flight back to the Philippines. It's love at first sight. Unfortunately, her attraction is not reciprocated. But when their plane crashes, they find themselves marooned on an island. What’s worse, Henry suffers from amnesia. It's the opportunity opening up for her fervent wish.

Clarisse then concocts a plan to convince the poor guy that they are a married couple. “Pinatulan kita?” asks a baffled Henry. So goes the start of their blissful lives. Unknown to Clarisse, Henry is a “gold mule”. Several pieces of gold have been incredulously planted in his abdominal viscera prior to the plane crash (as though this was even medically possible). As if that wasn't enough, Henry is actually in a relationship with struggling jeweller Clarize (Ellen Adarna) who plotted the stygian operation. And the latter is desperate to find her missing beau. 

Back on the home front, Henry is starting to enjoy the attention he’s getting in Clarisse's household. The couple is, in fact, planning their church wedding with the help of their zany circle of friends (Beauty Gonzales, Pooh, Empoy Marquez, Edgar Allan Guzman). But sinister Clarize - "with a Z" - is closing in on them.

What happens if Henry regains his memory? Will Clarisse’s annoyingly cloying son Liam (John Steven de Guzman) lose a father figure? Will Clarisse forfeit her chance to have a complete family? Guess.

Tony Y. Reyes’ “My Illegal Wife” predicates solely on borrowed narrative snippets culled from Star Cinema’s array of blockbuster romcoms and the hit Angel Locsin teleserye, not to mention Kathniel's "Got2Believe": “It Takes a Man and a Woman”, “She’s the One”, “Bakit Di Ka Crush ng Crush Mo”, “Bride for Rent”, “Starting Over Again”, and that commercial-riddled vomitus called “Maybe This Time”. Its derivative content makes movie viewing utterly predictable and an unnecessarily gargantuan snooze . I felt like playing “sipa” or “tumbang preso” inside the cinema. I wanted to be anywhere but there. 

Even the supporting characters feel manufactured. Let’s take Empoy Marquez’s fractured and specious use of English words. Hasn't he done this similar ruse in a couple of romcoms in the recent past? If you had a fourth of a brain, you’d get exasperated by Marquez’s ludicrous shenanigan. "I smell something specie?" Duh. Too much of something is, well, “too much” – so we wanted to flush this charmless dingbat in a toilet bowl. Get rid of this abomination already. Beauty Gonzales’ briskly disappearing pout (supposedly born out of her rabidly kissing lover) is present in one scene and gone the next. She even felt the need to reference Wella, her character in “Starting Over Again”, as though people would find it amusing. I didn't. Wella’s two minutes of fame has rightfully passed so puh-lezzz bury her now!

There are several lines that make fun of physical attributes: "Ang isa, mukhang itik." In another scene, it becomes "Ang mga kaibigan niyang mukhang nalubog sa putik." "Janitor fish!" This is a hallmark of old school humor; the lazy variety that comedians/humorists of low-tier capability employ very often. And what's with the side story involving Jimmy Santos? Wasn't it one of the most painful movie moments you've ever watched in your life? Santos' idea of heightening emotions is his annoying sudden shouts. He would follow this up with grievous dramatic caterwauling. You'd think this old man had schizophrenia instead of Alzheimer's Disease. Santos apparently can't act to save his life. Yes, "Bang Bang Alley" was a fluke. But then Santos is being directed by Reyes; someone who's as clueless with on-cam emotions as he is in telling stories. 

Joy Viado’s cookie character is likewise troublesome. “Ba’t mo in-Indian si Liam, hindi ka naman Indian?” That was a joke? Seriously? Who laughed? And the clincher was...? Tony Reyes’ idea of humor is so 80’s that he could be responsible why Vic Sotto’s filmography is worth nothing but crap. “Pak! Pak! My Doktor Kwak?” “Lastikman?” “Fantastic Man?” “Iputok Mo, Dadapa Ako (Hard to Die)?” “Kabayo Kids?” Enumerating these titles even feels like an ominous predicament, a prostitution of sobriety and common sense.

Pokwang doesn't really take on a character. The movie runs with a succession of parody that doesn't quite synthesize into a singular coherent narrative. It's a feast of paper-thin caricatures. Pokwang is, of course, comfortable "being herself" but the film medium is a make-believe world and she isn't making believe. She's doing a protracted stand-up comedy show. Her impression of Nora Aunor elicited laughter ("Meron ba akong hindi alam, asawa ko?"). Zanjoe’s impression of Xian Lim, Daniel Padilla and Enrique Gil bear no semblance to the aforementioned gents so you end up with a headache trying to connect his so-called "joke". It was so flat I heard the wind from the east on its way to Ecuador. Zanjoe’s “Pinatulan kita,” was funny though. Joy Viado’s flirting with men was cringe-worthy. Zanjoe’s “I need an acceptable explanation” likewise flatlined and went to heaven. You see, everything about the film is a “hit-and-miss” affair; but they're mostly “misses”.

After Sarah Geronimo and Coco Martin’s recent disaster, Pokwang and Zanjoe Marudo follow awkwardly like another blundering pair, you’d never believe in a hundred million light years that something will romantically curdle between these two disparate souls. That Marudo and Pokwang are hailed as the “King and Queen of Skylight Films”, respectively, is pure gas. It is a slice of dishonor, if you ask me. Skylight Films, Star Cinema's alter-ego, has been churning out one mediocre film after another, with the exception of Veronica Velasco's “Tuhog”. This purveyor of second-rate mainstream fare is giving Star Cinema a bad rep.

A glimmer of hope in this gloriously wasteful effort is Ellen Adarna. She initially comes off irresolute, no thanks to vapid, albeit one-dimensional character development, but she eventually catches up, playfully pursuing the sinister-but-occasionally-funny vixen. When she contorts her face, you knew she was going to be a fumbling menace. And oh God, what a beautiful menace she is. If her character’s a bit unhinged or incoherent, it’s the brilliant writers’ undoing.

In one scene, she yells, “Sino ba ang babaeng yan?” How can she not know? Her henchmen had been spying on Pokwang’s Clarisse for some time to get to Zanjoe's Henry. It was even the reason why they found him, wasn't it? Someone conveniently forgot?

SURPRISES

Here's a surprising fact: I watched "My Illegal Wife" twice to confirm my observations about this film, but what I've observed was this. Sarah Geronimo's "Maybe This Time", released 2 weeks ago, has folded for good. It's not in cineplexes anymore as I write this. How long did Toni Gonzaga's "Starting Over Again" run in our cinemas? An impressive 8-9 weeks, and even longer. "Maybe This Time" (MTT), after its 2nd week is gone. So tell me honestly, would you believe when they say that the Sarah-Coco starrer was a gargantuan hit? In fact, "My Illegal Wife" enjoyed a bigger and fuller crowd in Cebu (SM Cinema 3) as it was at a Gateway cinema. Moreover, while the Manila crowd had a more reserved reception to the film's humor, Cebu crowd was rowdier. Davao audience wasn't as pleased. The movie played on almost empty halls and the few who watched weren't laughing. What does this signify? Is the Manila crowd a more sophisticated audience than the provincial folks? Is Davao more urbane in their humor? There should be a sociological explanation to these discrepancies, shouldn't there?
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But this much is true, when a comedy flick offers laughters that are exceeding few and far between, you would wonder about the material’s raison d’etre and, subsequently, its source of inspiration. They designed a persona with Pokwang's ebullience and temperament. "My Illegal Wife" is a bad idea in the guise of comedy. One wonders why Star Cinema is “making hay” successively producing bad films this year! Is it following the foot steps of GMA Films? Anyare?   

Dominic Lim's Kapitan Basura - Playful But Half Baked

Bobet Balachuchi (Victor Anastacio) doesn’t aspire much in life, except the affection of his pretty neighbour Rowena (Gee Canlas, “Melodrama Negra”). He manages his junk shop and lives with his emotionally volatile mother Aling Baby (Angelina Kanapi) and blind sister (Julieanne Raye Nellasca). His best friend is a charming scavenger Kenneth Balboa (Dan Lim) who moonlights as a cell phone snatcher. While Bobet is cocksure and confident, he shrinks whenever Rowena’s around.

When a speeding truck accidentally hurtles straight towards his junk shop, Bobet becomes part of the rubble. Miraculously, he survives without cracking a limb. What’s more disturbing, he discovers special abilities like super strength and the ability to attract garbage. 

Before long, Bobet starts using his powers to save people: crushing asteroids from space; saving a troubled airplane, rescuing folks from a burning building. Kapitan Basura is born. Soon, he gets endorsement deals and considerable front page spreads. Even the mayor of Purok Ocho (Jobert Austria) has ebullient words to say about the popular hero.

Meanwhile, a series of disappearances is troubling the community. Customers of facial clinics turn missing, among them is Rowena who, by this time, is falling for Bobet. Is there a monster abducting people? Does Bobet’s physician, Dr. Chupacabra Sanchez (James Caraan) have anything to do with this turn of events? Guess.

“Kapitan Basura” is director Dominic Lim’s first full length feature; one of the six chosen entries in the second edition of Sineng Pambansa (National Film Festival), a flagship program of the Film Development Council of the Philippines (FDCP). The festival kicked off in Davao City late last year and the entries have been doing their rounds all over the country’s other film hubs like Iloilo, Baguio, Davao, Marawi, Pampanga and (hold your breath) even Tawi Tawi. Why the festival is keeping a curiously low profile in Manila is really a mystery. But let me delve first into the film’s merits first.

Victor Anastacio and James Caraan play hero and villain respectively.

Playing like a nonchalant comedy of manners, the narrative oddly anchors on the myth of everyman’s super hero coupled with tangential references to environmental concern. 

While the performances are enthusiastic, it soon becomes clear that the actors are left to their own devices, thus the unexpurgated thespic borborygmus brought in by its cast, especially Angelina Kanapi who pulls out all the stops to ham it up, playing mostly to the peanut gallery. In the first quarter of the film, there’s a scene involving the consumption of an oily slab of fried chicken that went on longer than necessary. Why that scene was perceived as humorous was as wildly baffling as Kim Chiu’s so-called “moving on” three years after a breakup with Gerald Anderson.

As the story delves into “mad scientist” territory, we are soon diverted to a montage of farcical moments that range from cardboard cut-outs of planes and buildings to rubbery appendages of a B-movie monster. Like a silly sitcom episode, the scenes transport us back to an era when Japanese anime’s were mere cinematic buffoonery. 

ANTI-ENVIRONMENT

We were hoping for something akin to what Kiyoshi Kurosawa cobbled up in one of his environmental horror flicks. An environmental comedy - sounds like novelty, right? But there really wasn't adequate facility for such ambition. In fact, the narrative strain abruptly explaining “garbage segregation” was grossly misplaced; not to mention too compendious to appreciate. And what environmental message does a film carry when, to be able to seek the attention of the superhero, the aggrieved party had to create clutter and pollute his environment? We could be pleased with the slap-happy ardor of its cast, but there’s nothing much beyond its absurdity. Unfortunately, even the makers know this. Read their poster blurbs.

     

What differentiates cinematic adventure from a boobtube gagshow if the narrative design is starkly hobbled by incongruent plot devices? Inspiration is easily thrown out the window when a character starts bawling her heart out simply because “ang lamig ng kape ko” – or that her pandesal is cold as ice? Huh? Sineng Pambansa maybe “free” cinema, but freedom doesn't necessarily make good movies, and the proof of the pudding, so to speak, is in the “eating”. This just wasn't well baked. 

Angelina Kanapi, like Irma Adlawan, displays bad theater habits. She's in desperate need of a smidgen of sedative.

Gee Canlas plays the cheerful girl-next-door Rowena similar to her character in "Melodrama Negra".

Jobert Austria plays the mayor of Purok Ocho. Now imagine if you removed his character in the story. Would it radically change the plot? :)

Victor Anastacio is the garbage-attracting superhero. Anastacio was a product of Jack TV's search for a stand-up comic.

The toothsome Lims: Dan (who plays Kenneth Balboa, the protagonist's best friend) and director Dominic.