Mae Czarina Cruz's "Bride for Rent" - Hits and Misses

A grandson plots to deceive his grandmother by pretending that he’s married. But the grandmother, aware of his machination, hatches a scheme to teach his cunning grandson a lesson by marrying him off to the former’s accomplice. Meanwhile the third-party accomplice is actually a saint who sacrifices her puny self to provide for a family of five able-bodied souls. But she wouldn't be so poor if fate lends a hand and she suddenly finds love in the midst of all this ruckus, would she?

Would that suffice to fabricate a story that would propel a blockbuster romantic comedy? Fact: Mae Czarina Cruz’s “Bride for Rent” is 2014’s first official blockbuster with humongous crowds turning in cineplexes as early as the first screening. 

Let’s backtrack a bit. Rocco (Xian Lim) was supposed to cash in on his multimillion-peso trust fund when he turned 25. But there was a caveat to this; that he should be married before he gets the first P10 million, then P70 million if he lasted this number of weeks – and so on.

Unfortunately, Rocco doesn't have a girl friend who is willing to marry him. Moreover, his ad agency is in urgent need of cash (which he earlier splurged while gambling) or he loses a vital account that would embarrass him to his estranged father (Tirso Cruz III). So he hires aspiring actress Rocky (Kim Chiu) to be his bride. Meanwhile, the plucky girl just wants a roof on her family’s head. She agrees to the odd arrangement of marrying this stranger to save her family from being homeless. The pretense would have them living together in a conjugal home for a specific time before they could eventually call the marriage off, file for annulment, then live their lives with oodles of cash as they ride into the sunset.

But as predictable as Kris Aquino’s self-indulgences, life isn't a walk in the park, and the unlikely couple find themselves unexpectedly falling for each other. Should they admit their feelings and offer conciliatory confessions? Should Rocco re-propose and re-affirm his new found affection to the indubitable Rocky? Should the latter declare her love to the piano-playing Lothario despite her double-whammy deception? What to do?

As romcom goes, “Bride for Rent” resorts to a pother of sitcom gags that surprisingly work due to the burgeoning comic ability of Kim Chiu who’s experiencing a renaissance of sorts where her performing aptitude is concerned. She has found a persuasive and confident voice in her comic cadence. A few lines still fall flat, but Chiu is mostly resolute. The result is nothing to scoff at. Her spitfire Rockelita dela Cruz suddenly becomes a cinematic heroine worth remembering. She has several moments of impeccable precision, like when she starts enumerating her house rules, then quips with a nonchalant “Please refer to rule number 1, which you just agreed.”  How about her hooky, “Isn't it amazing? Isn't it surprising? Isn't it?” Or when Rocco suddenly catches her buck naked while showering, then she moans, “I feel so molested”. Or when she daydreams of kissing Rocco at the kitchen. Or during her repeat audition when she’d say, “Di naman ako na advice na Q&A pala to.” There’s no denying that Miss Chiu is basking on a new thespic sun, and we’re so glad for her.

What’s an adorable heroine without her equally dishy paramour? Xian Lim complements Chiu’s comic calisthenics with his earnest portrayal of the happy-go-lucky, albeit opportunistic dream boy who just wants to do better than the father he resents. Lim is probably aware of his physical charm and he makes good use of this (the kitchen daydream scene). When Rocky tries to remove his shorts, he fetchingly protests, “Hala-la-la-la-la”. Awww. Chiu and Lim have found the perfect chemistry in celluloid heaven. We just wish they’d stop Lim from singing too much on screen because, while he maybe a fantastic musician, his vocal chops aren't so much to crow about. And serenading a girl with a dissonant version of “Til I Met You” leaves a bitter taste in the mouth.

While I admit to finding pleasure in the spirited performances of Kim Chiu, Xian Lim, Pilita Corales and Empoy Marquez, the story arc and details leave much to be desired. This is a romcom fueled by the imposturous ministrations of its characters. The grandson is deceitful. The grandmother is shifty. Rocky isn't the innocent by-stander either because she came into the picture aware of the schemes of both. Are we supposed to empathize with these grafters? Then there’s the lazy Dela Cruz clan. With 3 able-bodied brothers and a physically capable father (Dennis Padilla), why is scrawny Rocky working so hard while her four male kapamilyas are sitting on their arses, feeling sorry for themselves? This is one free-loading, indolent family I'd rather do without. They all deserve to be taken to Cedric Lee’s condo unit, no doubt. Maybe Mr. Lee can knock some sense into them as much as he’s capable of disarranging Vhong Navarro’s facial and skeletal - and allegedly even genital anatomy.

What lucid lola would push her apo to a spurious marriage? Even if this were “to teach him a lesson… so he learns to value what he has”, isn't she aware that sometimes no amount of money can guarantee a successful annulment case? Aren't old folks supposed to uphold marriage as a "sacred sacrament”? Yet she plays with this covenant, making God an accomplice to her lesson-teaching scheme. That is some grandmother.

Several other points are worth noting. The house given as a gift by Pilita was posh and huge, yet Xian had to coin toss for him to get a chance to stay on their matrimonial bed. Otherwise, it’s the couch for him. Weren’t there other rooms in this gargantuan two-story house? Poor, poor Xian.

The biggest glitch here is the restaurant scene. When Rocco had to re-propose, wasn't that Rocky’s chance to come clean and accept his real proposal, instead of unnecessarily admitting her part of the devious plot? After all, she’s admitted to Lala that she’s falling for him, and Lala seems to genuinely like her. They had to rock the boat to maneuver tension into the convoluted story. The big revelation (drum roll please!) was that their marriage was a sham. Who didn't know that? Rocco knew. Rocky knew. Lala knew. Now, even Rocco’s father knows. Such happy coincidences indeed. The succeeding scenes were too farcical to swallow. Rocco turns his ire to his crowd and declares, “This doesn't give you the right to play with my feeling.” This coming from someone who jumpstarted this whole put-up job? I had to scratch my head.  

The film succeeds to tickle some fancy. But if Mae Cruz wants to be taken seriously, she has to learn how to tighten her narrative and seriously sit on her story line instead of resorting to the moth-eaten romcom formula that Star Cinema is feeding her. For now, she has to thank her lucky stars for Kim Chiu and Xian Lim’s refreshing performances. That may not be enough next time.

Xian Lim and Kim Chiu: The hit-making team.

Chito Rono's The Healing - The Sick, The Dying & The Doppelgangers

Like many people who get frustrated by the limitations of medical science, Seth (Vilma Santos), an insurance executive, takes her ailing 74 year old father (Robert Arevalo) to Manang Elsa (Daria Ramirez), a renowned faith healer. After some incantations, they were sent home with a medicinal concoction for her stroke patient. To her surprise, the next day finds the old man completely rid of stroke – strong, ambulatory and even virile! Tatang is given a new lease in life. And he starts living his days like they were his last. News travel fast. Soon, Seth’s house becomes an infirmary of sorts, with her circle of friends gathering and seeking her help for a coterie of complaints: a breast mass, diabetes, psoriasis, pediatric blindness, etc. Would Seth – pretty please – accompany them to Manang Elsa? Heck, even her ex-husband’s daughter Cookie (Kim Chiu) is afflicted with kidney disease, and she's gradually wasting away!

Seth takes her friends to the healer, but Manang Elsa refuses to see anyone. “May sakit s’ya at tumigil na s’ya sa panggagamot,” explains Melchor, Elsa’s son. They refuse to leave the shaman’s house. A lot is at stake: a medical clearance for work in the Middle East; an approaching wedding; a life free of cancer, etc. The old woman finally acquiesces and accommodates her assertive visitors. Everyone goes home hopeful, but few of them remain skeptical. One by one, Seth’s friends experience the miracle of healing - breast lumps disappear, gangrenous feet clear up, and blood sugar normalizes! Elsa was wrong, Ate Guy! “May himala”, indeed! Even Cookie’s blood dyscrasia and sallow skin clear up like magic! Everyone rejoices.

Then Seth starts seeing crows that appear incommodiously. She also sees doppelgangers of her friends; body doubles devoid of emotions. Then chatty Chona (Ces Quesada), who has always been good natured, turns amok. Is her strange demeanor related to the healing? Would it affect the other “patients” as well? Why is Seth’s father – the first to be treated – unaffected? 

The movie is an ensemble piece, held together beautifully by Vilma Santos though it’s easy to see it’s a walk in the park for the Star for All Seasons. It's a welcome respite to see Santos in a genre far removed from her bombastic dramas. I am a wee bit distracted by her “look” – she looked like our favorite Batangas Governor: thick rimmed glasses, corporate blouses, etc. I understand that she plays an insurance executive, but there has to be a difference between an insurance peddler and a governor, right? But I’m merely nitpicking. Santos is nevertheless a joy to watch.  

I am seeing Kim Chiu in a new light. This is a more adorable Chiu, devoid of her woe-is-me demeanor. She plays the sympathetic stepdaughter afflicted with Glomerulonephritis. Glomeru…what? It’s just a kidney infection, my tita said, who further shared, “We admit cases like that left and right. They’re easy to treat – like UTI - and could be managed as an out-patient case. So it’s weird hearing it as a fatal disease entity.” Sus, I thought it was analogous to a death sentence. J  But back to Kim, she was reasonably compelling. When she suddenly asked Seth, “Galit po kayo sa akin, Tita?” my heart went out to her. I wish Kim’s succeeding projects wouldn’t lay on the melodrama too thick, then I’d be happy to watch her again. In “The Healing”, Kim Chiu eschews an adequately fleshed out character.

SPOILER ALERT!

The rest of the cast should be proud as well. Martin del Rosario (Seth’s son and Cookie’s half-brother Jed) displays a strong cinematic presence that should guarantee him more screen work in the future. Other note-worthy portrayals include Janice de Belen as mother Cita, Joel Torre as Melchor (the healer’s son), Daria Ramirez as Elsa (the faith healer), Robert Arevalo (Seth’s father), Mark Gil (Seth’s former husband), and Pokwang (as Dubai-bound Alma). I am conflicted with Jhong Hilario’s participartion: his wig looked nasty (and fake). Dario, his character, got electrocuted. When he was taken to Manang Elsa, he was already dead. The healer went on to resurrect the dead which should be a taboo, for obvious reasons. And such action necessitates the claiming of another in exchange of Dario’s. Quite a valid scenario, if you ask me.

DOPPELGANGERS

In folklore, doppelganger – the paranormal double of a living person – typically represents misfortune or evil. These entities are a form capable of “bilocation” (St. Pio de Pietrelcina was said to have had such power), but in this light, they are harbingers of bad luck, and may portend illness or an accident. It can be an omen of death. The idea of doppelgangers exists even in Norse and Finnish mythology as well as in the Ancient Greeks and Egyptians. A popular poet, Percy Bysshe Shelly told his wife how he met his doppelganger. Few days later, the English poet drowned in a bay in Italy. Other historical persons who died after meeting their doppelgangers include Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. It is interesting therefore to encounter the Pinoy perspective on doppelgangers, violent creatures in Rono’s re-imaginings.  

One of my favorite scenes involves the monks at a Buddhist Temple. Since this scene is not exactly commonplace, the praying monks imbue it with a sense of mystery. Rono is quite good with employing local color that, as an audience, it’s easy to immerse oneself in the make-believe world we are witnessing. 

Director Chito Rono has created a feasible scenario that hooks his viewers from the start. After all, we have a rich and inherent tradition of interweaving faith, superstition and medical science. But what makes “The Healing” unsettling is its distinct plethora of events: patient gets healed; crows loom; doppelgangers appear; the patients crack up and go berserk, then turn amok.

In the narrative, chronology of events takes center stage to exploit paranoia and a rankling of supposition, not dissimilar to the “Final Destination” movies. Who follows whom? How will they perish? And Rono concocts this atmosphere of morbidity with inspired compulsion and rabid vehemence. When Ynes Veneracion leisurely saunters towards the concrete with a giant chopping knife while her husband (Allan Paule) stoops down at the center of the road, you want to hit a pause button. There was a chill running down my spine. You know what’s coming – and you watch in frustration until the deed has been consummated! Rono keeps his narrative clamorous all throughout.   

 “The Healing” is experiencing a slow burn – “a fuego lento”. In fact, it is doing an amazing business in its second week. In three different mall cinemas this weekend alone, I saw queues mostly meant for “The Healing”. This is good news for mainstream cinema that has suffered a considerable plunge in theater attendance from January to June 2012. Word of mouth sure works like magic.    

Kim and Gerald Say Goodbye in "Till My Heartaches End"

Star Cinema films are rife with characters who always have issues with their families. Let's take a short roll call: John Lloyd Cruz's Migui Montenegro in "A Very Special Love" and "You Changed My Life" (who had to prove to his dad that he could run a company); Sam Milby's Nico Borromeo in "Babe, I Love You" (who needed to prove to his mother Laurice Guillen that he could succeed in the academic world; and Gerald Anderson's Powie Barredo ("Till My Heartaches End") is nothing different. He is the patriarch's bastard son who has to prove to dad Mark Gil that he is capable of dredging himself out of waitering. And what a great leap it is to finally have him succeed in the real estate business.

He meets Agnes Garcia (Kim Chiu), a Cebuana who's reviewing for the nursing boards. Sparks fly and the couple soon floats on a wave that takes Powie at the top of the heap. He is soon investing for condo units of his own; buying luxury cars for representation; and parading Agnes as his trophy girlfriend.

While Agnes' world revolves around Powie, the latter is starting to feel the constraints of her unwavering attention. How else would you feel if a girl tells you, "Mamamatay ako pag nawala ka!" It may sound romantic in novels, but in the general scheme of things, such sentimentality is nothing short of disturbing. When pressed with work, and you're bombarded with 5 dozens of text messages, do you fawn at her devotion? Shivers!

Kim Chiu delivers a one-note performance, no thanks to a myopic script that chose to showcase character evolution on Powie while Chiu's Agnes is left to mope around like an irritating wet blanket. But Gerald Anderson, as Powie, delivers a surprisingly intuitive performance worthy of the spotlight set on him. While Chiu stays afloat to survive a horrible screen persona, Anderson soars. He is charming and quite affecting, although he sometimes resorts to some bad facial affectations.

The narrative starts off compellingly, but soon loses steam. We are then made to endure a harrowing series of contrived, oft-repeated situations that grate through our patience. The film's middle 3rd is particularly tired and repetitious which is too bad, since this is a Jose Javier Reyes film. And Reyes hasn't done a bad rom-com in ages.

But just when we were ready to write it off as a forgettable flick altogether, Director Reyes pulls a brilliant trick out of his magical cauldron - and delivers a cinematic ending not usually upheld in mainstream romcoms! And if only for that, this sagging film is rendered its salvation!

RABID BEHAVIOR

With the hullabaloo surrounding disgruntled Kimerald fans (those acid-throwing threats, jesus!), it is clear how some elements of fandom could try to curtail the basic freedom of movie stars concerned. Since when were fans given the license to dictate the personal affairs of the stars they're supposed to emulate and support? That Anderson would appease these idiots by saying "They're not Kimeralds!" Who is he fooling? Not me! Eh sino yung mga yun, fans ni Maricel Soriano? O - baka fans ni Mahal at ni Mura! That's pretty hilarious, if I were to say it!

It was the right move from ABS-CBN to submit transcripts from these dictatorial nincompoops' Facebook shoutouts to the NBI so that these badgering fans shall eventually learn of their rightful place inside the comfortable confines of Manila City Jail!

What Godawful fans! If I were the artista, and these were my fans, dictating my every move - instead of being supportive of me, as Elizabeth Ramsey once said, "Magpapatuka na lang ako sa ahas!"

As for Kim, I shall forward what my yaya said about her - "Ayaw pag subra ug yaya!" (The last word is supposed to be pronounced with a glottal stop in both syllables.)

Don't you just hate weepers?

Gerald Anderson shines as Powie Barredo!

Kim Chiu is stuck in Agnes Garcia's self-pity!

Paano Na Kaya - Turning the Tables on Love

I am not exactly a fan of Kim Chiu or Gerald Anderson, but I like them both. They epitomize youthful exuberance, ambition and early success, and there’s nothing sweeter than seeing them grow before your eyes. They have evolved from hopeful reality TV stars into some of the biggest names in the business.

So their boobtube success finally translates into another movie together! Did we like it? Did we feel we got our P160’s worth? To be honest, I wasn’t jumping with joy when I left the theater. For one, we feel that the female protagonist is a study of embarrassment and shamelessness. I shall get to that in a bit.

Bogs Marasigan (Gerald Anderson) is caught in his own carefree world of fixing beat up cars and pleasing his girlfriend Anna (Melissa Ricks). And whatever he does, he takes his bestfriend Mae Chua (Kim Chiu) along for the ride – so Mae is licensed to hover ardently like a love sick puppy! After all, that’s what bestfriends do – or is it?

But cinematic relationships are not made in heaven as when Bogs gets dumped in favor of Anna’s boss. As he grieves for his lost love, Mae offers her affection and soon declares her love to the spaced out Bogs. He accepts! He is that impressionable! And all seems well at la-la land. Suddenly, Mae gets a make over. Her spectacles disappear; her hair gets a perm, then as luck would have it, Anna returns to claim what she feels is rightfully hers. Where does this leave Mae?

From the start, I had a problem with their relationship as “bestfriends”. This was one without a sense of entitlement. The narrative offers them on a platter without historical clarity- but for a stack of photo-shopped framed photographs; no high school or college past; no childhood memories – in fact, Bogs doesn’t even know JC (Robi Domingo) who was Mae’s childhood friend (JC once said he won’t ever marry anyone else but Mae). To encapsulate this, what they have is a one-sided relationship that’s based on Mae’s infatuation - and devotion. In my book, that doesn’t constitute friendship. Thus Bogs becomes a selfish prick of epic proportions – one who’s easily swayed by words - and one who attains epiphany as he flexes his biceps at the shower!

Kim Chiu is given half a dozen highlights and though she works hard with every morsel of her emotive capacity, she, unfortunately doesn’t make the grade. She falls short and appears shrill, her characterization superficial and spare. This was evident during her confrontation with her dad (Ricky Davao) at the dinner table; then again on top of a fire truck while a raging fire blazes over (an anticlimactic, badly executed scene). Kim’s emotive sincerity feels inadequate. I would have thought she had a lot of on-the-job experience after 3-4 years of teleserye, right? But all this is probably remediable with real life experiences. She is young and obviously talented - thus has a lot of potential for growth.

Gerald Anderson, on the other hand, has never been expected to pass muster as a dramatic actor. He has a face that’s too good looking to pass for a serious actor. In fact, except for being drop dead gorgeous, nothing much is expected from Mr. Anderson except look cute doing his noodle dance. Alas, how can we be so wrong? Gerald has been turning up very credible performances. He experiments with real emotions – he even gets too eager at times - and all this is manifested on screen. Whatever excesses should have been easily reined in by an intuitive director! In retrospect, Gerald comes off better than Kim. He could have been awkward is several silly scenes – like when he literally begs in front of Anna to stay with him while the new beau (Bernard Palanca) looks on; like when he professes his real feelings on top of a fire truck. Even his scenes with Zsa zsa Padilla (the delinquent mother ) are quite affecting.

Paano Na Kaya presents us with characters that aren't quite real. Do you actually buy Kim as this business girl who can sell 1,500 shirts in a day? Not when she stutters and shrieks in front of her irate customers, then even before she closes the deal, she turns her back and accepts a phone call, all the while calling her customers “Mga intsik…” within their earshot! Plus there were awkward lines that don’t belong in highly charged dramatic moments while the leading lady is shedding buckets: “Shinota mo ang bestfriend mo!” (And you hear the whole gallery laughing!) Mae was accusing Bogs something that she should have told herself. After all, she was the one who offered herself at the time when he was most vulnerable! She was the subtle manipulator!

So - shame on you, Mae! You deserve your broken heart! Ikaw kasi, “shinota mo” ang bestfriend mo!

As we left the cinema, we heard 3 girls saying, “Ampanget!” Then one of them giggled, “Pero ang pogi ni Robi!”

She was right! If Star Cinema needs a 3^rd body to cook up a triangle that can match up with Gerald’s boyish charms, Robi Domingo perfectly fits the bill! He registers handsomely and his features complement that of Kim’s. Robi looks ill at ease, even awkward in some of his scenes, but remember how bad Kim was when she did her first sitcom (“Aalog Alog”)?

Move over Kimerald, here comes Kimbi?