Mae Czarina Cruz's "Bride for Rent" - Hits and Misses

A grandson plots to deceive his grandmother by pretending that he’s married. But the grandmother, aware of his machination, hatches a scheme to teach his cunning grandson a lesson by marrying him off to the former’s accomplice. Meanwhile the third-party accomplice is actually a saint who sacrifices her puny self to provide for a family of five able-bodied souls. But she wouldn't be so poor if fate lends a hand and she suddenly finds love in the midst of all this ruckus, would she?

Would that suffice to fabricate a story that would propel a blockbuster romantic comedy? Fact: Mae Czarina Cruz’s “Bride for Rent” is 2014’s first official blockbuster with humongous crowds turning in cineplexes as early as the first screening. 

Let’s backtrack a bit. Rocco (Xian Lim) was supposed to cash in on his multimillion-peso trust fund when he turned 25. But there was a caveat to this; that he should be married before he gets the first P10 million, then P70 million if he lasted this number of weeks – and so on.

Unfortunately, Rocco doesn't have a girl friend who is willing to marry him. Moreover, his ad agency is in urgent need of cash (which he earlier splurged while gambling) or he loses a vital account that would embarrass him to his estranged father (Tirso Cruz III). So he hires aspiring actress Rocky (Kim Chiu) to be his bride. Meanwhile, the plucky girl just wants a roof on her family’s head. She agrees to the odd arrangement of marrying this stranger to save her family from being homeless. The pretense would have them living together in a conjugal home for a specific time before they could eventually call the marriage off, file for annulment, then live their lives with oodles of cash as they ride into the sunset.

But as predictable as Kris Aquino’s self-indulgences, life isn't a walk in the park, and the unlikely couple find themselves unexpectedly falling for each other. Should they admit their feelings and offer conciliatory confessions? Should Rocco re-propose and re-affirm his new found affection to the indubitable Rocky? Should the latter declare her love to the piano-playing Lothario despite her double-whammy deception? What to do?

As romcom goes, “Bride for Rent” resorts to a pother of sitcom gags that surprisingly work due to the burgeoning comic ability of Kim Chiu who’s experiencing a renaissance of sorts where her performing aptitude is concerned. She has found a persuasive and confident voice in her comic cadence. A few lines still fall flat, but Chiu is mostly resolute. The result is nothing to scoff at. Her spitfire Rockelita dela Cruz suddenly becomes a cinematic heroine worth remembering. She has several moments of impeccable precision, like when she starts enumerating her house rules, then quips with a nonchalant “Please refer to rule number 1, which you just agreed.”  How about her hooky, “Isn't it amazing? Isn't it surprising? Isn't it?” Or when Rocco suddenly catches her buck naked while showering, then she moans, “I feel so molested”. Or when she daydreams of kissing Rocco at the kitchen. Or during her repeat audition when she’d say, “Di naman ako na advice na Q&A pala to.” There’s no denying that Miss Chiu is basking on a new thespic sun, and we’re so glad for her.

What’s an adorable heroine without her equally dishy paramour? Xian Lim complements Chiu’s comic calisthenics with his earnest portrayal of the happy-go-lucky, albeit opportunistic dream boy who just wants to do better than the father he resents. Lim is probably aware of his physical charm and he makes good use of this (the kitchen daydream scene). When Rocky tries to remove his shorts, he fetchingly protests, “Hala-la-la-la-la”. Awww. Chiu and Lim have found the perfect chemistry in celluloid heaven. We just wish they’d stop Lim from singing too much on screen because, while he maybe a fantastic musician, his vocal chops aren't so much to crow about. And serenading a girl with a dissonant version of “Til I Met You” leaves a bitter taste in the mouth.

While I admit to finding pleasure in the spirited performances of Kim Chiu, Xian Lim, Pilita Corales and Empoy Marquez, the story arc and details leave much to be desired. This is a romcom fueled by the imposturous ministrations of its characters. The grandson is deceitful. The grandmother is shifty. Rocky isn't the innocent by-stander either because she came into the picture aware of the schemes of both. Are we supposed to empathize with these grafters? Then there’s the lazy Dela Cruz clan. With 3 able-bodied brothers and a physically capable father (Dennis Padilla), why is scrawny Rocky working so hard while her four male kapamilyas are sitting on their arses, feeling sorry for themselves? This is one free-loading, indolent family I'd rather do without. They all deserve to be taken to Cedric Lee’s condo unit, no doubt. Maybe Mr. Lee can knock some sense into them as much as he’s capable of disarranging Vhong Navarro’s facial and skeletal - and allegedly even genital anatomy.

What lucid lola would push her apo to a spurious marriage? Even if this were “to teach him a lesson… so he learns to value what he has”, isn't she aware that sometimes no amount of money can guarantee a successful annulment case? Aren't old folks supposed to uphold marriage as a "sacred sacrament”? Yet she plays with this covenant, making God an accomplice to her lesson-teaching scheme. That is some grandmother.

Several other points are worth noting. The house given as a gift by Pilita was posh and huge, yet Xian had to coin toss for him to get a chance to stay on their matrimonial bed. Otherwise, it’s the couch for him. Weren’t there other rooms in this gargantuan two-story house? Poor, poor Xian.

The biggest glitch here is the restaurant scene. When Rocco had to re-propose, wasn't that Rocky’s chance to come clean and accept his real proposal, instead of unnecessarily admitting her part of the devious plot? After all, she’s admitted to Lala that she’s falling for him, and Lala seems to genuinely like her. They had to rock the boat to maneuver tension into the convoluted story. The big revelation (drum roll please!) was that their marriage was a sham. Who didn't know that? Rocco knew. Rocky knew. Lala knew. Now, even Rocco’s father knows. Such happy coincidences indeed. The succeeding scenes were too farcical to swallow. Rocco turns his ire to his crowd and declares, “This doesn't give you the right to play with my feeling.” This coming from someone who jumpstarted this whole put-up job? I had to scratch my head.  

The film succeeds to tickle some fancy. But if Mae Cruz wants to be taken seriously, she has to learn how to tighten her narrative and seriously sit on her story line instead of resorting to the moth-eaten romcom formula that Star Cinema is feeding her. For now, she has to thank her lucky stars for Kim Chiu and Xian Lim’s refreshing performances. That may not be enough next time.

Xian Lim and Kim Chiu: The hit-making team.

Frasco Mortiz's The Reunion - Lost in the Music

Ten years after their high school graduation, Lloyd, Joax, Boggs and Patrick are still finding their place in the sun. Lloyd (Enchong Dee), a graphic artist, works at a print shop churning out calendars and pasting faces in glass mugs. Joax (Xian Lim) drives other people’s cars at a valet parking. Boggs (Enrique Gil) does the harrowing grind of a real estate stand selling nothing. Pat (Kean Cipriano), a musician, still pursues his dream of making it big in an industry that has so far ignored him. Stuck with their dead end jobs, the barkada finds themselves in a class reunion where, once again, their level of success is under scrutiny. This somehow takes them back to their momentous past: Lloyd was besotted with shy but receptive Ara (Cristine Reyes); Joax flirted with student council rival Toyang (Megan Young); Boggs succeeded to get fellow athlete Ligaya’s attention – and affection, as did Pat with Shirley's (Bangs Garcia)! One fateful day, Pat and his friends got unwittingly involved in a scandal (involving Alodia Gosiengfiao’s missing jewellery piece inside the girl’s car) that nipped these romantic couplings in the bud.

Back to present time, they believe that their setbacks are somehow rooted on that specific incident, like a trajectory that went awry. The solution: to reconnect with the girls from their past. So with the help of Ali (Jessy Mendiola) and Jay (Matt Evans), the guys set themselves up for a wild goose chase to find their Juliets. Unfortunately, Lloyd’s opportunity to find the girl is closing in fast. Ara (Cristine Reyes) is rumoured to be getting hitched. And no one seems to know where to find her. In the age of google and one-click search boxes, phone directories, Facebook and twitter accounts, finding Ara becomes a quest for the Holy Grail – and she couldn’t be found! Go figure. The same goes for Shirley who has moved up the fame ladder by becoming a popular FHM model. (Another head scratching moment! She's gone so famous that she couldn't be found? LOL) What about Toyang? Where the heck is Carmen San Diego, err... I mean Toyang? O, Diyos ko, ano ba naman ito? Will the boys be able to correct the misplotted dots and “rectify” their misdirected lives this time?  

Director Frasco Mortiz’s movie runs on a premise that’s too ridiculous to believe. In fact, connecting the dots should be the least of their worries as logical groundwork in the narrative leaves much to be desired. Sure, Mortiz buoys his story with unbridled energy, delightful music and testosterone charm, but it’s a hurdle going through something as ludicrous as getting flak for helping a girl find her lost jewellery inside a car. If this incident became a scandal then, didn’t it warrant an investigation? A single paragraph of explanation would have easily cleared the air, wouldn’t it? Didn’t anyone – Lloyd, Joax, Boggs, Patrick - even try to explain the situation to Ara, Shirley, Toyang and Ligaya? Everyone believed they were guilty of sexual indiscretion though they were all fully clothed inside a car that isn’t even tinted? How have they become such idiots?

The sprightly music of Ely Buendia’s Eraserheads is turned into discordant chapters that help bestow cinematic vim to an otherwise droll, sitcom-inspired, albeit middling story. What’s worse, there’s hardly chemistry among this filmic brotherhood. You don’t discern sincere camaraderie. Despite their emerging problems, you end up not caring. In fact, many of the characters are downright forgettable. I had to refer to my notes to check who Boggs was or if Pat had a girlfriend. When your protagonists don’t make a lasting impression, you know you’re in trouble.

Among the guys, Enchong Dee ends up with a more sympathetic character. His Lloyd was written as a geek and he succeeds depicting him in some ways, deflecting an occasionally noticeable "softness". But he should thank the luminous Jessy Mendiola resilient in a half-baked character named Ali who eternally tags along with Lloyd like a fag hag, i.e. if Lloyd was a fag (get it?) Something about Xian Lim disconcerts me. He has a perfidious veneer that seems detached from real emotions. He towers over everyone which must be why empathy is hard to come by. Either that – or he needs more teleserye experience to finetune his craft. His “singing” scenes should have imbued a little more compassion, but this moment flittered like a lovely, piquant butterfly on its way to rainbowland. Many other talents are wasted here: Julia Montes (who’s always competent); Bangs Garcia (who’s back to being a mere boob-girl); Gina Pareno (as Aling Nena, was inconsequential); Janus del Prado in a politically incorrect and insensitive role.

I am thus baffled why this was given a B rating by the retards and dimwits of the Cinema Evaluations Board (CEB). How can anything with such incongruent narrative strains deserve such “quality-indicative”, tax-evading rating? But then, I’ve long accepted the fact that these CEB evaluators either have self-serving motives or possess the brain of cockroaches. “Pak! Pak! My Doctor Quack” was rated B. Need I say more?

The E-heads surely deserve homage the way ABBA got their “Mamma Mia”. After all, their music helped define a generation. But pinning their musical legacy on a mediocre story, wrapped in frothy, buoyant energy is nothing short of a disservice. Some heads need to roll.  

In her drunken stupor, Aling Nena (Gina Pareno) offers an unsolicited advice: "connect the dots" which reminds me of a recent horror flick.

Ali (Jessy Mendiola) pines for her best friend.

Toyang and Joax flirt around.

Pat (Kean Cipriano) and Shirley (Bangs Garcia) give each other their hearts.

Enchong Dee

Xian Lim

Enrique Gil

Kean Cipriano

Jessy Mendiola

My Cactus Heart - Ephemeral Popcorn Romance

Sandy Macalintal (Maja Salvador) has long brushed off romance ever since her father has chosen to live a life away from their family. Sure, he would occasionally show up - a couple of times a year with his current girlfriend awkwardly tagging along. Sandy had to live with a mother (Rosanna Roces) who eternally pines for that day when her husband (Ricky Davao) would find his way back to the fold - where he belongs. Sandy is cautious. Though she entertains suitors, she would eventually nip these budding romances in the bud once they get too close for comfort. Might as well cut her impending and perceived loses before they harm her fragile heart, right?

Meanwhile, Carlo (Matteo Guidicelli) is gradually falling for his boss' daughter Sandy. He occasionally waits tables for a catering business - and moonlights as a singer for a band. He dreams for a lot of things: to visit the grave of her fallen mother (Pinky Amador) in Singapore and to earn a decent living; one that would approximate his worth in the eyes of Sandy who's upbeat and charming. In fact, she takes his breath away. Unfortunately for Carlo, Sandy's twice shy about romantic intimacy. She comes from left of center - and is even wary of her irrefutable attraction to the strapping lad. What's worse: Sandy is entertaining another suitor, Benedict (Xian Lim) who's a formidable competition. What becomes of Sandy and Carlo?



Director Enrico Santos comes up with a winsome formula reeking with frothy narrative embellishments. In fact, if you've seen the trailer alone, it would make you want to rush to the nearest cinema to watch it. The film has an adorable heroine who steals your heart even when she furtively denies affection: "No as in no" indeed! Moreover, it has a romantic consort brimming with asian-italian charm. Heck, even the third wheel's as delectable as a sophisticated version of tikoy and hopia and pansit. Xian Lim is a dashing milk curdler: he is tall, sexy, and looks at girls with earnest heed. The romantic broth couldn't be perfect, right?

But there's this quibble: remember the note for the anonymous soul mate that's meant to find its way back to you? If love was indeed such a fallacy, why rest your romantic faith on a carelessly placed note inside a guitar? Or inside a bottle? The idea feels incongruous to Sandy's apathetic ideas about relationship. If having ones heart broken turns you into a tumbleweed of disaster, then it's evident you don't deserve to be happy. No one deserves to get hurt, more especially if it's a deliberate or expedient strategem.

Maja Salvador is splendid like she's always been, her tongue in cheek rendition always uttered in exquisite comic cadence. Most everyone in the cast tries to duplicate her verve, but her leading men suffer in comparison. Beside Salvador, they appear lightweight... like eye candies - and cotton candy, lovely to gaze at, but they dissipate in the mouth within seconds, easily washing off in our gustatory senses forever.

"My Cactus Heart" is ephemeral pleasure. Everything feels part of an ingredient that, in the scheme of things, don't quite linger for long. Like chips, cotton candy or popcorn, you masticate on them - then you eventually forget the heady pleasures of partaking.


Darna and the art of checking out someone else's hygiene.

Sandy meets the overeager Benedict.


Maja Salvador: perfect


Matteo Guidicelli as Carlo


Xian Lim as Benedict. he is once again "introduced" in this film though he has appeared in Gil Portes' "Two Funerals". This gross overlook spells either ignorance (for not knowing) or arrogance (for not considering Xian's first film part of his resume).

Two Funerals - When Grieving is Funny and Entertaining

In Gil Portes’ “Two Funerals”, two corpses from a bus collision in Nueva Ecija gets interchanged. One is sent to a feisty political family in Tuguegarao, the other in Matnog. This sets off a road movie that plies the roads from Cagayan all the way south to Sorsogon for the deceased girl’s family as they desperately try to recover her remains. In the process, they have to return the body of a hitman to his enterprising brother. Taking the long road is Aling Pilar (Tessie Tomas), mother of Carmela (PBB’s iron butterfly Princess Manzon). She is joined by Carmela’s fiancé Gerry (Xian Lim), and the funeral parlor’s Tommy (Jeffrey Quizon) and driver Tonyo (Leo Mier). Along the way, they encounter a series of zany characters that color this very Pinoy palette.

It is a fascinating ride that superficially sweeps through characters and tradition, as well as detestable practices that make this society a morbid landscape. We have cops who never miss their opportunity to encroach on the liberties of others just to earn a buck; the Catholic priest who preaches what he doesn’t follow, and the congressman whose sweet words send a girl to her untimely demise.

But the story telling, though intermittently awkward in presentation, is buoyed by the performance of Tessie Tomas, without whom, the narrative would have caved in from the film’s lofty ambition of indoctrinating a multitude of societal dilemma and cultural norms. Employing the Holy Week as backdrop to the ongoing narrative further moves the story, and though its slapdash social commentaries are not exactly successful in execution, you cannot deny the inherent charm that eventually filter through the major characters.

Jeffrey Quizon plays the closeted Tommy who’s married with children. He provides welcome humor to an otherwise sullen subject as his conflicted character grapples against his sexuality. He resisted so hard to join the long journey, but a pleading Gerry (Xian Lim) placing his arm around his shoulder is enough motivation to change his resolve. I was snickering at my seat. Xian Lim, on the other hand, has commanding screen presence, but his dramatic skill isn’t quite there yet. He is introduced in this film. When he sorrowfully laments for his lost love, we find him too green and a bit awkward. This doesn’t mean we find him bad. Far from it! In fact, with a few more experience, he would make a fantastic lead – and we can’t wait for that moment. But right now, everyone has to start somewhere, and his baby steps are a welcome spotlight.

Forget the negative reviews that you read online. I don’t care about Portes’ abhorrent “Pitik Bulag”. He once gave us the wonderful “Mulanay”. And really now, we don’t critique a movie based on his past works. This film can proudly stand on its own, and anybody who declares it as “the worst of Cinemalaya” is nothing but a disgruntled soul for he predicates his judgment on certain biases. That this is allegedly a plagiarized work is of no consequence to me either, as the end product for the paying audience is good cinema. My money was well spent!

Are these people even aware of the dregs that we get to write about in this blogsite; the mindless trash of incoherent gay-flesh drivel that is being shown week after week in commercial cinema? I have waded through a mockery of Filipino artistry. I have seen ALL local and commercial releases this year, and calling “Two Funerals” anything less than good is pure insanity! Shake off those arrogant boots and actually use your cerebral grey and white matter!

“Two Funerals” is without a doubt a good movie! It doesn’t succeed in some of its ambitions, but it has an undeniable charm that entertains and delivers the goods!

Xian Lim: future looks bright!

Xian Lim: future looks six-packed! ;->