Benito Bautista's "Mumbai Love" - Pedestrian Effort, Failed Ambition

While on a fashion assignment in Mumbai, Ella (Solenn Heussaff) is pursued by Nandi (Kiko Matos), an Indian resident in Manila who’s in the Indian city to attend a cousin’s wedding. Sparks fly after their first date, but as fate would have it, Ella had to abruptly leave. What’s worse, the note she left for Nandi gets misplaced at the front desk of the hotel. With no contact details nor full names to go on with, both settle back into their lives with deep regret.

Back in Manila, Nandi tries the television talk shows to find Ella to no avail. The girl seems to have disappeared from the face of the Earth. One night, while watching a gay pageant where his cousin Romni (Romy Daryani) is a judge, he finds Ella backstage attending to the contestants’ wardrobe. Ella’s Mama Nikka (Jason Gainza) is the pageant’s costume designer and make-up artist. The couple briskly rekindles their budding romance, but finds resistance in Nandi’s parents. They have earlier arranged for their 25-year-old bachelor’s betrothal to the daughter of a rich Indian family. Though warned of being cast out from the family, Nandi fights to keep Ella in his life.

But there’s more trouble brewing in the horizon. Ella gets abducted by Marco (Mart Escudero), her colleague from work and secret admirer, who takes her to a desolate farm house in Laguna, keeping her a prisoner. With the help of a nasty crew of “bumbays” – the loanshark gang headed by Rashid (Raymond Bagatsing), Nandi scours the town to secure the girl. Will they find Ella before it’s too late?

The Philippines is home to an estimated 150,000 Indians, mostly of Sindhi or Punjabi ethnicity; this according to a 2008 statistics. But this I believe is a conservative estimate. The number could be triple. After all, this minority group has been in the country since pre-colonial times, and the 17^th century Gujarati merchants made sure that their transoceanic empire flourished long before we've even acquired modernization.

Moreover, anthropological studies have revealed proofs of active trade between Tamil Nadu (the south Indian region) and the country as early as the 8^th and 10^th century. These days, the “bumbays” have become part of our sociological existence: the turbans, rotis, 5/6, the tongue-burning gastronomy, snake charmers, Kashmirian fabrics, cheap surgical instruments and cancer drugs, and the frolic of Bollywood.

Gradually spilling over in the entertainment field, a number of the latest Indian features have been screened in SM cinemas last year. This includes Shahrukh Khan’s highly entertaining “Chennai Express”, Reema Kagti’s suspenseful ghost drama “Talaash” (“The Answer Lies Within”), Rajkumar Hirani’s “3 Idiots” (shown 4 years too late), and Yash Chopra’s “Jab Tak Hai Jaan” (Til There is Life) – also with superstar Shahrukh Khan. These screenings were always well attended, underlining the sizable population of Indians in the metropolis. Is it any wonder then that “Mumbai Love” would eventually come into being?

Kiko Matos is Nandi and Solenn Heussaff as Ella.

 “Mumbai Love” is constructed in the same Bollywood template: a main narrative premise, colorful Bollywood song-and-dance numbers, and a protracted story line that stretches for hours, Benito Bautista’s lighthearted tale is well anticipated. With spirited performances from its charming leads, a sparking cinematography, a traipse into delightful Mumbai and a director who showed immense promise in his two earlier films (the searing "Boundary" and documentary “Harana”), how could it fail? Unfortunately, this movie disappoints.

Bhansali's "Ram-Leela"

To begin with, the dance sequences are shabbily choreographed, the dancing not even synchronized - and dancing is a key element in Bollywood, for those who hid in the caves for the last century or so. 

Bollywood and its Hollywood-inspired nicknames (which officially started in 1932 as Tollywood based in Tollygunge, West Bengal)  treat their dance sequences with due attention, diligence and precision. Meanwhile, the dancers in “Mumbai Love” looked like they rehearsed for a fortnight then began shooting. Very few Indian movies do away with dancing and music, like one of my all time favorite, Aparna Sen’s “Mr. & Mrs. Iyer” (2002). 

Let’s take the case of Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s “…Ram-Leela”(2013) which is essentially “Romeo and Juliet” uprooted to the colors and exoticism of India’s Udaipur. This tale of the star-crossed lover becomes sexualized like it hasn't been before, yet its tragic comeuppance is nonetheless cloaked in some of the most eye-popping musical numbers I've seen in a while. And we're talking about a tragic narrative. Moreover, the plump guys in many Telugu films can out-booty shake anyone from “Mumbai Love” – and that’s a shame since we Filipinos are known for our universal musicality. In Bautista’s tale, music and dance become part of the ingredient, but they seem like after thoughts, i.e. expurgated flights of fancy.

You’d expect a “harana” (serenade) scene from Benito Bautista to work, but believe me, you’re better off forgetting the aforementioned scene altogether. 

There are commentaries about Indian customs like the arranged marriage, but even this was handled without much thought. After Nandi was warned against marrying another girl, the succeeding scene has the parents celebrating the rescue of Ella and their son’s engagement to the French-Pinay. What made them change their minds so fast? Fast resolutions can be attributed to 1) laziness to unspool the kinks in your narrative clutter; 2) carelessness of the storyteller; 3) a myopic vision on situations that should otherwise make sense. We blinked and Nandi’s dilemma for his “arranged marriage” is suddenly gone. How convenient.

LAPSES AND MISPLACEMENTS

Now the obvious lapse in the script: You go out on a fantastic date in a foreign land and you won't even ask for each other's full names? You won't even talk about which area you live in Manila? "Saan ka banda?" Ako doon sa malapit sa peryahan." Nothing? You ride bikes all over and have romantic rendezvous yet you won't even exchange numbers? No exchange of call cards or email addresses? What is this, the 1930's? Isn't that a little too incredulous to believe? That - or the thinking cap's been compromised.

There are misplaced side stories that didn't help move the plot, like Jun Sabayton and his son’s anti-Indian sentiments. Strike them off the story plate and you won’t miss anything. Raymond Bagatsing’s loansharks are another. Gym-buff loanshark Indians, seriously? And a commentary that the “5/6” scheme helps propel our nation's economy -  “because this is micro-enterprise” - sounds too superfluous to digest.

The scenes in Mumbai are another problem. In the movie, Mumbai forfeits its grandiose colonial sheen. Suddenly, the glorious streets of Colaba seem like little Quiapo, except for the iconic yellow-and-black taxi cabs inherent in Mumbai. The Gateway of India seems like an oblique view of UST’s century arch. If they WERE indeed filmed in Mumbai, then someone got shortchanged.

Beautiful scenery from Pila, Laguna.

Martin Escudero is hopelessly stuck in his “Zombadings” persona. His character Marco, who’s in love with Ella, is so effete, you’d understand why she never looked at him as a romantic possibility. When he starts acting out as the spurned lover, I half expected him to come out of the closet. Jason Gainza hams it up as Ella's cross-dressing adoptive “mother”. But we just didn't find him that amusing to begin with. Angelina Kanapi does another cooky "lady boss" role, but she comes off like a drugged out hipster. Hasn't she done this in 4 - no, make it 7 - other films in the past? The Indian cast does better, but then I am probably scraping the bottom already.

FLICKER OF LIGHT

If there’s a flicker of light in this lackadaisical ouvre, it would be Solenn Heussaff and newcomer Kiko Matos (last seen in Jason Paul Laxamana’s stirring “Babagwa”). While decidedly easy on the eyes, Heussaff is also earnest and makes for an adorable romantic heroine. There's much to admire about Heussaff because she has always been a sincere performer. She does away with extraneous emotions that would unnecessarily spill over a characterization. Her Tagalog is amazing – and remind me again how long has Sam Milby worked in the Philippines?

Kiko Matos, on the other hand, is just too gorgeous to ignore. Sometimes you want to click the pause button and just gaze at Matos’ smile a second longer! How's that for a romantic lead? He occasionally stumbles with his slapstick scenes, but you’re far from picking an egg to throw on screen. He is just adorable. Check out his bharat scene. He looked so awkward prancing around, but you hardly mind him. Beauty indeed has distinct advantages because sometimes, it helps you get away with murder. But what happens when novelty wears off?

In 2011, Director Bautista’s “Boundary” blazed the cinematic trail. There's no doubt that a great film maker was born. This was further reinforced when his documentary “Harana” opened in the festival circuit the following year. Then comes “Mumbai Love” which is nothing short of a rudimentary work. What happened?

If “Mumbai Love” gets a commercial screening anywhere in India, it would be an absolute embarrassment. The Indians who are weaned on the pomp and pageantry of Bollywood, Tollywood and Kollywood might find “our” craft too amateurish. Do we really want that? Do we deserve such pedestrian effort? 

   

Ikaw na, says Kiko Matos.

Solenn Heussaff and Kiko Matos pose in Mumbai.

Peque Gallaga's Seduction - Tepid Persuasions

As a firefighter, Ram (Richard Gutierrez) is dodging fire, embers and falling debris as much as he’s eluding people he owes money from. With dwindling resources, he is close to biting the bullet with his mates’ dubious practices. Headed by his friend Irvin (Jay Manalo), they extort money from building owners whose properties are aflame. Spew out P50,000 or they won’t put out the fire. You see, Ram has volunteered his kidney to save his father (Mark Gil) from impending kidney failure, but money’s tight and a transplant operation requires a lot more than what he is paid at the fire station. “Di ko nga alam kung papatulan ko na lang yung intsik na bading sa Binondo,” he tells Irvin.

 

When Ram saves Sofia (Solenn Heussaff), a French-Filipina journalist, from another raging inferno, it seemed like an answer to his prayer. Grateful for saving her life, Sofia hires Ram as driver and bodyguard – and money is no object. After all, the pretty mestiza is bequeathed with considerable wealth from her departed parents. Suddenly, the emotionally impecunious heiress seems to have found her “salvation” in the dashing fireman. Unknown to Sofia, Ram is warming up to Trina (Sarah Lahbati), a lovely neighbor who’s shown him compassion and affection. The attraction between Ram and Trina soon turns into passionate romps in bathrooms and bedrooms. It helps that Ram has conveniently moved to Trina’s boarding house.

 

When Trina learns of Ram’s financial dilemma, she even decides to sponsor the transplant operation by putting her house up as collateral for cash loan. Meanwhile, Sofia is intent on seducing Ram who’s gradually disquieted by Sofia’s sexual advances, not to mention the ubiquitous camera following them around (a French camera man, played by Artista Academy’s Jon Orlando follows them around, documenting their every move). When Ram moves away from Sofia’s grip, situation turns testy. After all, hell hath no fury like a rich woman scorned, right? What is obsession, coupled with an unhealthy dose of neurosis, not capable of doing?

Peque Gallaga revisits his fascination with stories redolent of his characters' unbridled passion; a familiar theme that always allows dramatic approach into the suspense genre. Like most of Gallaga’s ouvre, he tells his stories with characteristically provocative camera work. The scenes are exquisitely framed, the movement deliberate. Unfortunately, with a story that doesn't really convey a sense of exigency, it feels like the narrative has taken the sideline from the scenographic ruse. Let's take the scene where Sofia burns Trina's house: every "take" stretches on, robbing the moment off of its requisite urgency. 

There are inconsistencies in characterization, particularly of Gutierrez's Ram. When a woman (Shyr Valdez) drops in at the fire station to demand for money he owed her, he doesn't think twice to "work her up" in a room with frosted window, while his workmates could hear (and see) them next door. In another scene where he gets a visit from Sofia at the fireman's quarters, he bafflingly turns into a shrinking violet, rebuffing her advances. He would shag a matron and not a beautiful French woman who pays oodles of cash for his services? "Siguro naman, kaya mong sindihan ang aking apoy," Sofia suggests. So what gives?        

Richard Gutierrez postures like he usually does, but like previous efforts, he fails to convey sincere emotions, thus empathy is hard to come by. What's worse, a movie supposedly built around "passion" feels a tad frigid, which is a mystery considering the presence of Heussaff, who pulls out all the stops to inhabit her fruitcake character. The thespic palette gets better with the ladies: Solenn Heussaff plunges into her role with spot-on precision: she charms, she seduces, she turns pitiful (a challenge when you're rich, beautiful and successful), and just as easily, turns contemptible. Who would have thought of Solenn, when she was starting, that she'd turn into an instinctive, intuitive actress? These days, Heussaff does well in any genre she appears in, even in inane comedies like "D Kilabots: Pogi Brothers...Wehh". What's more inspiring, she has an enviable reputation for her impeccable work ethics.

Lahbati, on the other hand, displays unfeigned countenance. When she delivers her lines, there are no emotional excesses. Isn't it ironic that Lahbati had to come into her own when she's finally decided to desert the business? What a shame.

Peque Gallaga will always be remembered for his masterpieces, "Oro, Plata, Mata" and "Scorpio Nights". "Seduction", on the other hand, could hardly be considered a milestone in film excellence, except that 40 years after Director Gallaga's directorial debut in a film called "Binhi" (with Rosemarie Sonora and Dindo Fernando, 1973), he is still churning out movies about passion and the desires of men. This time though, he missed his mark where "sexy" is concerned.   

Richard Gutierrez

Sarah Lahbati

Solenn Heussaff

Sarah Lahbati and Richard Gutierrez

Andoy Ranay's Sosy Problems - The Funny and the Unfinished

There’s unabashed delight in the depiction of bratty, filthy-rich social butterflies as seen in Andoy Ranay’s “Sosy Problems”. Lizzie Consunji (Rhian Ramos) leads an enviable pack of the “super duper rich” that further constitutes Danielle Alvarez (Bianca King), the daughter of a former congressman (Ricky Davao) with briskly dwindling fortunes; Margaux Bertrand (Solenn Heussaff), best friend of Claudia Ortega (Heart Evangelista). Margaux and Claudia’s relationship is dragged down by the simmering rivalry between their former beauty queen-mothers Martina (Cherie Gil) and Glory (Agot Isidro), Claudia’s mother. They’re the privileged bunch. They arrive in private helicopters; ride horses like Mikey Cojuangco; employ yayas who ride in specially-assigned cars; and they can sniff fake designer bags from a mile away.

But all’s not well on the horizon. The Polo Club, their favorite hangout, was bought by Bernice (Mylene Dizon), a former club cashier who got hitched to a billionaire. Bernice plans to turn the club into a Yaya Mall. The girls are appalled. After all, they couldn't fraternize with the masa. What becomes of their memories? More importantly, what happens to the employees of the club, some of whom have worked there half their lives. Lizzie turns to her dad for help, but he wouldn't budge so she takes matters into her hand. She organizes a picket to protest against the plan of the new owner. This gets them arrested for their stunt.

As punishment, Lizzie is sent to the remote town of Sapang Bato to join her lola (Nova Villa) and cousin Becca (Barbie Forteza). But provincial life is far removed from Lizzie’s cosmopolitan lifestyle. There are no clubs, no internet or wifi, and phone signal is intermittent, she had to climb a tree to secure one. Lizzie invites her friends to help get over the tedium of rural living, but they end up fighting with each other. What’s worse, Lizzie becomes a big burden, financial and otherwise, to her well meaning grandmother (her lola’s sister) and cousin.

Back in the city, Danielle starts to deal with her own financial troubles the only way she can. So she devises ways to hook up with Inaki Montinola (Alden Richards) whose fortune is legendary. With the help of Santi (Mikael Daez), a stranger he met at a party, she invites Inaki for dinner. Will she get an audience with the eligible bachelor? Would Inaki show up? Meanwhile, Margaux and Claudia are fighting over Benjo (Aljur Abrenica), the club’s good looking stable boy-cum-waiter who seems oblivious to the girls’ constant flirting. With their internal strife piling up, the fall of the Polo Club seems inevitable… or is it?

Andoy Ranay’s “Sosy Problems” is riddled with loopholes, you start to wonder if there were cognitive beings driving this cinematic vehicle. Aside from the threadbare plot, the motives of the characters are dubious. If these people truly had a plethora of riches, they had several options in the drawing room: 1. Hire a lawyer to negotiate their demands, not that they have proprietary say on a privately owned property; 2. Pool their resources and gather their amigas to buy the property from the new owner; 3. Take to the media by bombarding the public with articles about the poor employees; 4. Purchase another property and equip it with even better facilities. Planking at the facade is as ridiculous as the thought of someone purchasing the playground of the rich and famous. Besides, who did Bernice marry – the Prince of Brunei?

While on sabbatical at the province, Lizzie’s lola had to “steal” from her other granddaughter’s piggy bank because they were low on resources to support Lizzie’s whims. Didn't Lizzie’s dad (Johnny Revilla), a successful hotelier, send enough money to finance her daughter’s stay in the province? The lola could have easily asked from Lizzie’s dad and, surely, he wouldn't mind sending a few thousands of pesos. A lola stealing from her granddaughter is a grave mistake, even if this were meant for good intentions. Stealing is 8^th of the Ten Commandments, remember? This narrative strain is ill advised and reminds me of Sef Cadayona’s sexual assault in Emmanuel dela Cruz’s disputable “Slumber Party” where “rape” is horrendously treated with easy humor. We've never heard of grandmothers acting like juveniles since Australia’s Oscar-nominated “Animal Kingdom”. This isn't Oscar-worthy.  

The movie is, however, made bearable by the delectable turn of its lead stars portraying some of the most self-absorbed characters in local cinema. Rhian Ramos hams it up and shows why this role was written for her. She is brilliant and playful as bratty Lizzie. Think Alicia Silverstone's "Cher". Though humor in the film is a hit-and-miss affair, many of the gags involving our four ladies actually work. Enthusiasm is such an infectious malady. 

Take the “pilapil” (dike) scene: the girls wanted to visit the "pilapil” because someone told them it’s beautiful out there. Without an inkling of idea what a “pilapil” is, they march through dikes with high heels, wide brimmed hats and designer bags thinking they were heading into some kind of Shangrila when, in fact, they've reached their destination many times over. This really cracked me up. Another favorite scene was when the girls found a pot of mud they all thought was a facial regimen. They started rubbing  mud all over their faces while Claudia assures her friends with, “Don’t panic; it’s organic.” On the other hand, Bianca King’s part was the most sympathetic. Her story was better told than the rest. And King came out less of a caricature.

Mikael Daez registers strongly as the mysterious Santi, you couldn’t take your eyes off him. He was charming and he spoke well. Aljur Abrenica is a fetching Benjo, the club’s all-around boy, but then he isn't made to do much. There are cameos by Ruffa Gutierrez who plays the role of a lifestyle broadcast executive who wants to run a story about the girls. Tim Yap plays a bigger part (than previous movie roles) as Ruffa's lifestyle reporter.

The film actually stumbles hard as it scrambles into its finish line. Story telling turned reckless and banked on fast resolutions. The positive comeuppance felt undeserved because there were untold chapters that needed more narrative discourse. Elsewhere, the grapevine has tongues wagging: Ranay, the film’s director started acting flaky (think Angelina Kanapi) because his boyfriend left him. Sometime November, the still unfinished product was directorless. Grief has a way of skewing priorities, I know, but isn't Ranay a veteran theater habitue? You’d expect the demeanor of a stage professional, right? This was why Joyce Bernal was allegedly taken into the fold to finish the unfinished and do her editing magic. If this is true, then someone clearly doesn't deserve to work in the business again. Work is work. Oscar Wilde once said, “There’s always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love.” With grief, people do ridiculous things. Unfortunately, he didn't suffer alone.       

Aljur Abrenica. This photo only courtesy of   http://raindeocampo.files.wordpress.com

Mikael Daez is Santi aka Santiago Elizalde, lawyer and son of an influential scion.

Soxie Topacio's D' Kilabots: Pogi Brothers Weh - Nothing To Say or Laugh About

Soxie Topacio’s “D’ Kilabots: Pogi Brothers Weh” is as preposterous as its title; its story even more so. Justine (Jose Manalo) lapses into convulsive seizures every time he comes in contact with a woman. This has prevented him from pursuing a relationship with Kitty (Pokwang) who turns to Bruno (Wally Bayola), Justine’s brother, for romantic denouement. Their eventual marriage has caused due strain between the siblings to the consternation of their rambunctious mother (Gina Pareno). Enter Lulu (Solenn Heussaff), the daughter of Sir Donald (Tirso Cruz III), an influential businessman.

While Lulu openly fawns over Justine, the latter is adamant, despite the seemingly mutual attraction. Trouble comes to a head when Bruno decides to open a lugawan, an enterpreneural bid that would challenge Justine’s isawan. What to do? But all these become inconsequential when Bruno discovers the nefarious plot of Lucio (Michael de Mesa), an avaricious businessman, who, along with Sir Donald (Lulu's dad), has devised a scheme to incinerate Justine’s property. Justine's refusal to sell his property prevents Lucio from building a mall in the area.  

"Kilabots..." boasts of an all-star cast, with familiar faces gracing the screen for sitcom-style gags: Maricel Soriano and Roderick Paulate play a room switching couple; Vic Sotto as the intervening barangay chairman, German Moreno (with his eternally vomit-inducing "Walang Tulugan" spiel), Aljur Abrenica and Victor Basa as the hunky policemen; Jimmy Santos as the dead father; Jobelle Salvador, Allan K, Nina Jose, Nyoy Volante, et.al. Paolo Ballesteros dolls up (and curiously looking prettier than most women) as the movie enthusiast who spews cinematic lines, movie titles and their date of release. But at some point, the gag loses its novelty. After all, no one remembers lines from "Gaano Kadalas ang Minsan" anymore. 

The narrative is an uninspired tripe of calculated situations kept afloat by an enthusiastic cast. There’s not a lot one can do with borderline ideas and a mediocre script. Having the gorgeous Heussaff salivate over Manalo is just plain silly. And being silly doesn't automatically translate into humor. Some ideas are incoherent, like Justine's supposed attraction with Lulu. When she came to serenade him (Heussaff singing “Ipagpatawad Mo”), he ended up drenching her with a pail filled with urine. How’s that for good taste? Or is uncouth and revolting behavior supposed to be funny?

During a public squabble between Justine and Bruno, Gina Pareno (playing their mother) intervened, telling them: “Ang totoong matapang, nag iisip muna.” I've never heard of such discordant aphorism. Might does not necessarily translate to intelligence, does it? These desperate narrative struggles to say something logical underline the absence of a considerable “burden” that should fuel the narrative. The brazen fact is, these issues are a sham. And its film makers have absolutely nothing to say.  

Boy Pick-Up The Movie - Verve and Extended Silliness

Boy Pick-Up (Ogie Alcasid) has got his “rock and roll” in place. This allows him to lord it over during the Pick-up Competition (a street-wise freestyle modern Balagtasan, if you will) where he remains undefeated. This ballsy strut allows him to survive in his own little world where he struggles with unemployment, neighborhood skirmishes, unpaid rent, and the lascivious transvestite landlord Sharona (Diego) eternally seducing him. Things perk up for the beloved protagonist when he unwittingly fills up an urgently vacated position at a newly opened Heaven’s Bakeshop – James (Victor Aliwalas), the pastry chef, was caught by his betrothed and shop owner Angel (Solenn Heussaff) in syrupy flirtation with one of the girls. With James’ departure, Boy is asked to demonstrate his specialty: the fish cake (a P20 besugo decocted with flour and a yellow polka dot bikini – huh?) Soon, every customer in the bakery is salivating for the heady, slavering aroma of the delicacy. With heavy demand queuing in the shop, disaster is averted. Boy gets hired as the shop’s popular new pastry chef – to the consternation of shop assistants Mayumi and Bogart (Survivor castaways Maey Bautista and Albert Sumaya). Moreover, Angel is irresistibly drawn to the nonchalant charm of her new employee.

Unknown to Boy, storm is brewing elsewhere. Boy Pick-up’s popularity has spawned a heart break. When Gabs’ bride (Sarah Labahti) embarrassingly drops him during her wedding march, the groom is fraught with desperation. He finds himself saved from suicide and imminent death (he almost drowned) by a mysterious character who transforms him into a goth toughie (six facial piercings, dark lipstick, dyed hair and the penetrating look of an avenging resurrection), vowing retribution for his lost love. Gabs metamorphoses to the menacing Bagwis (Dennis Trillo).

While Boy and Angel bask in their mutual fondness, Bagwis stalks the duo with menacing fervor. He must take Boy Pick-up down, but how? By taking what’s most important to him: Angel, his job, his pet fish Goldie and his championship. And at the next round, Bagwis takes all these with an easy swipe. Boy loses everything. What’s a local hero to do? With the help of Boy Back-up (Eri Neeman), Boy enlists the help of the “Master” (Joey “Pepe” Smith) to regain his “rock and roll”.  

The birth of Bagwis: from heart break to attitude.

Sharona looks like a wigged Bituin Escalante. Here, he shouts: "I don't need money! I have money!"

Ogie Alcasid and writer Aloy Adlawan pick a rambunctious segment from a popular television gag show and expound it into a cinematic piece. After all, this has a huge, albeit loyal following (netizens take the world wide web to show their appreciation through various fan pages). People who are not familiar with the characters will nonetheless find something pleasant with the film because the performances are perniciously enthusiastic, you can’t help but embrace the zaniness therein. However, there's a limit to embracing absurdity and this will eventually catch up if left protracted. After all, even humor has to have logical strain to be truly intelligible or coherent. Flights of fancy have short windows of expiration - and when inadvertently amplified, even the diverting portions will get dragged down. Like this one.

Ogie Alcasid embraces Boy Pick-up with such encompassing amplitude, you sometimes forget how silly the situations he gets himself in. Surely, there are moments of character inconsistencies: Boy Pick-up starts with a pucker, a protruding pout and a delivery akin to a slowed down record. Midway into the film, he forgets these and delivers his lines a la Ogie Alcasid. It's the element of invariability that makes the mark of an unforgettable filmic hero. 

Solenn Heussaff shines anew in another out-of-the-box portrayal as shop owner Angel. Though not part of the Bubble Gang posse, Heussaff's inclusion lends the story a sense of groundedness; that indeed this isn't all insanity, providing adequate leverage for the situational drama that the movie requires. Her performance is succinct, adorable (read: hindi maarte) and vanity-free, you know exactly why Heussaff is gradually turning out to be one of the country's best new talents! Her chemistry with Alcasid is so palpable that we had to laugh when she pours her sadness over bagoong and green mango ("May bagoong pala ang kamay ko" - then she bawls like a baby). I have never had so much fun watching something nonsensical. It's not such a wonder then why Sam Pinto - whose beloved Neneng B. character is such a household name - is relegated to "extra" duties in the film. She appears only during competitions, regaling the championship stage with her utter beauty - and nothing else! Knowing what I know about Pinto's thespic capability, she would have brought disaster to an already logic-challenged piece.   

Director Dominic Zapata peppers his movie with a dazzling array of cameos (Boy Abunda, Dr. Vicky Belo, Jackie Rice, Ian Batherson, Antonio Aquitania, Lilia Cuntapay as Boy Pick-up's mother,Gabby Eigenmann, Director Joey Reyes, Bong Revilla, Michael V, et.al.) and myopically gathers some of the most absurd jokes I've ever had to encounter. In fact, some of them don't even have punchlines to speak of, it's ridiculous. Here are a few:

 Boy Pick-up: "I put the win... in penguin." (He has a toy penguin that blows bubbles on his dresser.)

***

Boy Back-up: "Ano po ba ang gamot sa depression?"
Brod Pete: Ayon sa kasulatan, heto ang gamot: (sings) 'Mister DJ, can I make a request...' Pero instead na mister, ito ay "master" (alluding to masturbation)

***
Bong Revilla: May ibibigay akong "bong" para sa iyo?
Neneng B. (Sam Pinto): "Ano?"
Bong Revilla: "Ibibigay ko ang 'bong' puso ko."

***
Boy Pick-up: "Bakit bilog ang buwan, ang zero, ang aquarium...?"
Angel: "Bakit?"
Boy Pick-up: Kasi ikaw ang isda sa puso ko." (Didn't I say silly?)

***
Person 1: "Sana ikaw na ang Y."
Person 2: "Bakit?"
Person 1: "Kasi ikaw na ang kasunod sa ex ko."

***

Person 1: "Kape ka ba?"
Person 2: "Bakit?"
Person 1: "Kasi gusto kitang ma-kape-ling!"

***

Angel: "Bakit duck yan?" (Referring to Boy's umbrella handle.)
Boy: "Kasi pan-duck!" (pandak)

***
Moymoy: Mangga ko is 'awesome'.
Boy: "Ma ah-sim!" (asim)
Moymoy: "Awe-some"

***

Boy: "Bakit problema ko parang kuting?"
Angel: "Bakit?"
Boy: "Meow!" (Huh?)

***

Boy: "Angel, taxi ka ba?"
Angel: "Bakit?"
Boy: "...dumating sa buhay ko." (Really now!)

***

Bagwis: "Sirena ka ba?"
Angel: "No!"   (And the joke is...?)

As you see, some of the lines here verge on the esoteric so it's set up like a hit and miss predisposition. But most of them rely on the boundless enthusiasm of its peppy cast who shows what camaraderie does to even the lamest jokes. There is much to do with the evolution of Dennis Trillo's "Gabs" who turns into the certifiably menacing "Bagwis", but what promised to be a full throttle showdown ends up into a mediocre finish coupled with a fast resolution (Labahti embraces Trillo after losing to Boy Pick-up at the rematch) that didn't deserve the "creation" of Bagwis. It's a case of much ado over nothing. If anything, this movie shows Trillo's versatility. In fact, he does a mean "pick-up" spiel; and puts a believable streetwise swagger.

"Boy Pick-Up The Movie" runs like a protracted gag show - but it really is one. Its humor is patchy, but the performances more than make up for the unevenness of the material. When actors are as exuberant as these lot, you tend to forget that there really is nothing much in the cinematic paraphernalia but a bunch of fake peso bills.

Certifiably sinister

Bubbles Gang posse

Sarah Lahbati finds Gabs again.

Boy Pick-up and Angel reunite.

The "Master" espouses rock and roll.