Joyce Bernal's "Da Possessed" - Gold in Misery

Three ghosts are out to settle score when they are inadvertently dug out from an unmarked grave on a land where a casino is being built. Problem is, our would-be hero Ramon (Vhong Navarro) is a wimp, a “lampa”, with a weak heart. But he desperately needs to work to save his family’s house from foreclosure. He meets and falls in love with Ana (Solenn Heussaf), the spunky daughter of the casino’s owner Don Demetrio (Joey Marquez) who has a shady past.

Meanwhile, our ghosts (Empoy Marquez, John Lapus and Aaliyah Belmoro) have to intermittently take over Ramon's body to coax the truth out from the murderer who happens to be Don Demetrio. Will Ramon solve the ghostly trio’s dilemmas: revenge, a proper burial and finding a playmate? How will this affect Ramon’s burgeoning relationship with Ana? Will he save his family out of their financial rut? Guess.

Director Joyce Bernal spins an oft familiar yarn that’s not too far removed from her other collaborations with Vhong Navarro in the distant past. In fact, if you feel a certain degree of déjà vu while watching the movie, don’t worry, it isn't you.

But the spirited cast which also includes Joy Viado, Smokey Manaloto and Beverly Salviejo more than makes up for the narrative cliché.

Vhong Navarro hams it up and succeeds even in brain-dead comic punchlines. He has always been a brilliant comic. Try the banana jokes. “Paano pababalikin ang saging?” Answer: “Tu---ron! (Tarah)” “Paano mo paaalisin ang saging?” Answer: “Tanggalin mo ang B. Ana-na!” Are you laughing already? The jokes are a hit and miss affair, a tack not unfamiliar in Joyce Bernal’s slapstick comedies. Most of the jokes are highly dependent on the comedic intuition and quick wit of the actors. When Mama Belen (Beverly Salviejo) was abducted, Ramon’s sister-in-law Marie (Matet de Leon) insightfully deduced: “Nasa abandonadong bodega!” When asked how she knew, she replied:  “Lahat ng kinikidnap, si Mara (Clara), si Marimar, si Claudine, si Kristine Hermosa, lahat sila dinadala sa isang abandonadong bodega!” O nga naman.

Navarro perfectly complements with the gorgeous Solenn Heussaf who continues to amaze us with her spot-on characterization even in comedy. Heussaf has been known for her emotive honesty so it’s a surprise to find her perfectly tempering her Ana character with deft precision. Listen to her speak Tagalog like the natives, if that isn't impressive compared to other half-breeds, I don’t know what is. The girl just works hard so you don’t cringe listening to her speak her lines. Have you heard from the once-again-bankable Papa Piolo inviting you to “Download the Eb…”? “Epp?” Ah, “application”! Epp daw kasi eh. Ohgawd!

Like other Vhong Navarro movies, there’s a dance showdown somewhere in the movie. Vhong and Solenn in fact danced a hip-shaking Christian Martinez novelty tune with a large crowd at a mall. The theme – Bollywood! Irony isn't lost in us because wasn't Solenn in the amateurish “Mumbai Love” which had execrable musical numbers?  This is how a Bollywood musical number is done, Benito Bautista! Stop rationalizing that good choreography and cinematic execution require an enormous sum of money.

As for Vhong, his recent traumatic run in with fellating ladies and rich extortionists seem to have revitalized his sagging movie career. His last film with Star Cinema was 3 years ago with Chito Rono’s “Bulong”, wasn't it? His “Shake, Rattle and Roll’s The Invasion” for Regal was 2 years ago. Who regularly watched "Todamax" on TV? 

Now, scroll through your Facebook page. It’s easy to find dimwits calling him “idol”. While we are glad that Vhong recovered from his assault and that the arrogant Cedric Lee and company are wallowing in their legal woes, we shouldn't be quick to place philanderers on pedestals just because they survived an ordeal that would have been prevented had he not taken “foods” to a shadowy acquaintance’s condo in the wee hours of the night while his girlfriend waited at home. And some elevate him to being a “hero”. Would he have seriously apologized, albeit tearfully, to his partner and kids on national television had he not been caught? "Idol", you bet. Go figure.

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow – Painfully Bad, Excruciatingly Schmaltzy

Mariel (Maricel Soriano) rules the family-owned television network with steel fist and feral stance. It’s an aspect of her life she has absolute control of. Otherwise, her private life is in shambles. Her only daughter Eunice (Eula Caballero) favors her stepmother Charlotte (Carla Abellana) over her. Her former husband Garry (Gabby Concepcion) lives in marital bliss with new wife Charlotte. Meanwhile, her brother Jacob (Jericho Rosales) helps out in the network, but seems preoccupied with his domestic affairs: his wife Lorie (Lovi Poe) despises spending most of her time with their baby boy, and occasionally steals moments to sing for her band. The family patriarch (Ronaldo Valdez) – a paraplegic - oversees his business empire with his intermittent presence, while his second wife Agnes (Agot Isidro) has an extra marital affair with her personal trainer Derek (Dennis Trillo). Celine (Solenn Heusaff), Mariel’s half sister is patiently “training” under the wings of her acid-tongued half sister. She is dismissive of her boyfriend Vince’s (Paulo Avelino) constant presence, and harbors an attraction with Derek.

One day, a powerful earthquake bears sweeping repercussion to the tedium of their lives.

HIGH STRUNG

With unbelievable schmaltz and a persistently high-strung turn of events that play out like livid strokes of slap-happy melodrama, Jun Lana’s “Yesterday Today Tomorrow” once again displays Lana’s fixation to the 80’s flavored drama. In fact, I didn’t realize this was Lana’s work until I curiously found some blatant semblance to the recently shown “My Neighbor’s Wife”. It may in fact be a narrative extension of the latter. Even the actors in “My Neighbor’s Wife” – Dennis Trillo, Lovi Poe and Carla Abellana – play similar character arc and motivations.

WHAT HAPPENED, MARICEL?

What’s worse: Lana has managed to singularly destroy Maricel Soriano’s spotless reputation as an insightful, albeit superior caliber actress. What happened to Maricel Soriano? There never was a time that La Soriano was ever mediocre in any of her previous film projects: drama, comedy, action, even dance/musical. She could run thespic rings around her former rival Sharon Cuneta who, in her earlier years, coasted solely on charm and media hype. But for the first time, I was surprised to find Ms. Soriano heavy handed and misdirected. This was a Soriano that’s graceless, shrill and mediocre. Her one-note performance is baffling. What has time done to one of the most versatile actresses this business has ever produced?

CACOPHONOUS

Lovi Poe and Carla Abellana aren’t bad, but what do you say about a performance that mimics their own portrayal in a different film (“My Neighbor’s Wife”)? You don't get a pat on the back for repeating yourself! I’d have to say that in confrontation scenes involving Maricel Soriano and Carla Abellana, the latter gracefully stood her ground against the formidable Soriano. In fact, it actually emphasized Abellana’s inherent gift because she made Soriano look cacophonous and roughly discordant in temperament. That isn’t saying Abellana is worthy of an award. In this flick, the only commendable performers are Dennis Trillo, Jericho Rosales, and surprisingly Solenn Heusaff!

Trillo depicts his kept-boy character with empathy. He is onerous to decipher. In fact, he delves into Derek in multiple levels of execution; he paints Derek’s intentions as a gray area. That’s no mean feat, considering how Lana wrote his characters. Rosales has always been a sensitive performer. His sincere depiction keeps his and Lovi’s story viable. I only visualize a problem whenever he starts enunciating in English (like when he delivered his child’s eulogy). Solenn Heusaff is an amazing find. She is very comfortable in her role. You feel when she winces after getting dressed down by her half sister in front of others, or when she’s turning his boyfriend away, or when she flirts with her mother’s personal trainer. Heusaff is an honest performer, and she delves into her scenes with no emotive excesses. Her debacle? She speaks rather briskly. On stage, as in cinema, emphasis of text takes priority. Your words should resonate, regardless of how brief or simple they are.

IMPLAUSIBLE

Jun Lana is a notable playwright. He is the youngest member of the Palanca Hall of Fame in 2006, winning 11 of them previously. But his film work as a director is too far removed from his excellent writing. In fact, he lingers from too much caterwauling and peppers his narrative with implausible coincidences. Furthermore, the most preposterous “deus ex machina” is intermittently laid out like freebies to move his narratives. How many times did Celine catch his mother in her personal trainer’s flat? Isn’t once enough? When Charlotte suddenly finds Mariel nauseated, there was a suggestive glance exchanged between the wife and the ex-wife, you’d think Charlotte would start getting suspicious, but she didn’t. Whenever a scene is expected to shift its plot, the music swells – you’d think the sky's going to start falling anytime.

Lana is ill at ease being a megman. And if I were to be very blunt about it, he is wanting of talent where visual story telling is concerned. Stick to what you do best, Mr. Lana, and leave film direction to those who know what they’re doing.

Otherwise, we’re all stuck in strung-out melodramas that make bad actresses out of good ones – like Maricel Soriano. It is such a revolting comeback vehicle for someone of Soriano's stature. Isn't that sad?

On Charice, John Prats, Cinemalaya Delicadeza & San Francisco Film Makers

ANYTHING BUT THE DONUT

Setting: NAIA Terminal 3, Mister Donut (MD) stall

Customer to MD crew: Miss, meron kayong Krispy Kreme na donut?

Mister Donut crew: Sorry, ma’am. We’re a Mister Donut outlet!

Customer: Ah, ok. (She leaves for 5 seconds, then returns.)

Customer to MD crew: Eh, Gonuts, meron kayo?

DELICADEZA AND FAST TRACKING A CAREER

I've always wondered how some people could look at their faces in the mirror with dignity. Sometimes blood is thicker than the common decency of not taking advantage of ones post.

Let's take, for example, Laurice Guillen, director and head honcho of the amazing Cinemalaya Festival (this year has churned out the best crop of movies in years). Guillen greenlights production of most main features. She even has a say regarding script changes and casting choices. In the past, Guillen has allowed the casting of her daughter Ina Feleo in two Cinemalaya main features - Jade Castro's "Endo" (2007) and Milo Sogueco's "Sanglaan" (2009) where - surprise, surprise! - Miss Feleo has won for herself Best Actress awards!

Ina Feleo is pretty. She isn't a bad actress either, but "Best Actress" caliber is really stretching it! I can think of a dozen names in the indie scene that could act up a storm more than Feleo. And for her to keep getting starring roles in Cinemalaya features that other better actresses deserve is a judicial travesty! Fast forwards 2011, Ina Feleo once again topbills a film directed by her mother Laurice (co-starring Shamaine Buencamino and Tirso Cruz III) - "Maskara"! And, like the whole Cinemalaya event is their family playground, Guillen even fields "Maskara" as their opening film!

Where has delicadeza gone?

I could think of 5 films that would make a great festival opener, not "Maskara"! As for Ina Feleo, I am glad to see her in teleseryes ("Guns and Roses"). I didn't care much if she won "Best Actress" awards from her Cinemalaya starrers though, once again, I can easily name better performances from the Cinemalaya entries in 2007 and 2009. But is there honor in fast tracking a showbiz career through an event that should otherwise be a venue of freedom, truth and excellent new breed of film making?

FROM SAN FRANCISCO TO MADAGASCAR

Setting: Greenbelt 3 Cinema Lounge (in front of Cinemalaya booth)

Cinema goers were reading from a program. Program sellers were abuzz with activity. People were coming and going. Raymond Bagatsing and Ronnie Lazaro were generously accommodating a crowd nearby. I was holding on to my tasteless New York Fries, observing people while waiting for my date buying soda.

Young director to several people at the booth: Hi, I’m Benito Bautista, director of “Boundary”… San Francisco!

Saw the guy he was talking to. He was needlessly perplexed. Should have been me. “Hi, I’m Cathy Pena, cinema vixen… Antananarivo, Madagascar!”

TIME OF HIS LIFE

I was channel surfing when I caught a segment of “Happy Yipee Yehey”. The next set of contestants would be this population of people desperate enough to make a fool of themselves on TV.

Jason Francisco: “Pumunta po kayo bukas 1PM ng hapon!” You bet! 1 PM in the afternoon, not 1PM in the morning, clear?

WHY NOT CHARICE

A flawed but brilliantly realized semi-documentary called “Bahay Bata” (Baby Factory) has gritty realism. The story happens one Christmas Eve in San Lazaro Hospital.

Young mother no.1 (YM1): Hoy, ate, ano’ng pangalan ng baby mo?

Young mother no. 2 (YM2): Charice.

YM1: Ay, bakit Charice? Ang pangit ni Charice Pempengco! Sa akin, Sarah (Geronimo).

OWNING A PAIR

John Prats is a likeable guy. He is handsome, agreeable, and is known to have good work ethics, but when it comes to the girls that he once liked, he turns into a spineless prick!

Consider the list: Heart Evangelista , Shaina Magdayao, Rachelle Anne Go. Did these girls get their romantic closure from him? It seems that when he gets tired of girls that he once wooed, he simply blocks them out of his life. No goodbyes, no serious talks, no telephone calls, heck, not even a text message saying, “We’re through!” This is the worst kind of man you’ll ever meet. He lives his life in a misdirected vicious cycle. Careful, Bianca!

Why not grow a pair. Mr. Prats?

CONSTRUCTIVE

Going back to Charice, if you’ve been following this blogsite, you would know that I only have good words for Charice. I believe in her talent. I mean, those pipes can't be anything but sent from the heavens, right?

But it seems that she’s getting too onion skinned for constructive criticisms. To bolster this attitude, she even boasts of a set of fans that would defend her to the death. Anyone who speaks ill of her, they will massacre! Right, Mr. Nestor Torre? When the latter wrote why Charice doesn’t have the physical qualifications of being a “Kim” (Miss Saigon) – a rather didactic discourse on what or how a Kim should be – the entertainment journalist was deluged with the nastiest replies from Charice’s supporters, 200 replies to be exact! Some twats even researched Mr. Torre's photos and made a dartboard out of it. Last time I checked, Mr. Torre wasn't gonna be Kim, was he? These sniveling idiots!

I believe Charice doesn't make the rightful Kim either. We grew up hailing every Filipina who has sung “Sun and Moon” with her Chris. We also know where Mr. Torre comes from. Eh hindi naman kasi talaga bagay no!

Meanwhile, when a fan wrote her observation at Charice’s fan page in Facebook, i.e. that she seemed a little too heavy when she last portrayed Sunshine Corazon in “Glee” – where she performed another rousing number (the spectacular “As Long As You’re There”) – what did Charice do? She closed down her fan page and even tweeted about her two-faced fans!

Very mature indeed! A class act!

I saw the whole Glee episode and she indeed looked awkward and too satiated – my 7 year old niece even commented, “Ate Charice looks full!” In the same episode, Sunshine was so scared of performing that she wanted to March down the Philippine Embassy (in the U.S.) so "they would revoke my visa". Huh? It's the United States of America who gave you the visa, hon; not the Philippine Embassy! And really now, what could be easier than simply buying a plane ticket to fly back to the Philippines and hide in a cave?

Charice, my dear, people who can’t take criticism gracefully won’t grow into emotionally stable artists and well balanced individuals. You have to learn how to accept other people's observations because you're in the spotlight! You can actually improve yourself from constructive criticism. Not everyone is willing to lick your ass! You have a God-given talent, but you’re not perfect. No one is. It is our divine duty to improve on what weve been given. When sympathizers wish improvements on you, is it really wise to cover your ears? Sometimes, criticisms are there not to be spiteful, but to inspire improvement. Grow up, Charice!

(And for that anonymous cunt from Lake Elsinore, California - and this is obviously meant to be gloriously spiteful, yes, honey, "brainless ass-lickers" like you, dear! Hahaha! What could be more disgusting than sycophantic spineless stools who can't even conjure fictitious names to stand by their thoughts? Go fish for a brain!)

WHAT IS YOUR WORD WORTH?

A dancer and a new actress conquer the music scene. I was checking out the new releases from Odyssey when I saw two new titles. Rayver Cruz just released an EP CD containing 5 songs. When he was a newbie in the business, I saw him play the biopic of Billy Joe Crawford in MMK. He was charming and actually had the pipes to make it as a singer. Years later, he became a dancer!

The other CD was from a sophisticated Solenn (we saw her belt the Beatles’ “Come Together” with Lovi Poe in the improving “Party Pilipinas” and we were quite surprised). Miss Heusaff is spreading herself grandiosely in the business. For someone who once said, quite emphatically on television, “Tandaan n’yo to, after this (Survivor), hinding hindi ako mag aartista!” If the lives of her love ones depended on her word, they’d all be dead, right?

We like Solenn. She is gorgeous, she isn’t a bad actress despite her linguistic crutches, she seems like a decent lady, and she isn't all that bad at singing either. What is there to dislike? But what we’re trying to say is, never say never. Otherwise, what is your word worth? Right, Mr. Bieber?

Temptation Island - Sweetest Temptations in Camp Classic

Beauty contests draw women from all walks of life, each one driven by a variety of motivations – fame, fortune and the quest for what would seem like a more tangible form of self worth and independence. When Manila Sunshine Pageant makes its call to public, a bevy of interesting girls come flooding by.

Among these colorful characters: Pura K (Solenn Heusaff), a desperate beauty whose once rich family is now struggling for their old glory; Virginia P (Heart Evangelista), a haughty kolehiyala who's grappling for personal liberties (she's the unica hija in a male-dominated family); Serafina (Lovi Poe), the annoyingly catty front runner; Cristina G (Marian Rivera), the schemy hooker who's in it for the top plum - house and lot. Each one has specific reasons for their participation.

A pre-finals yacht adventure takes the ladies to the Caticlan seas. Tagging along for the ride are Tonio (Dennis Trillo), Cristina G's hustling squeeze; Joshua (John Lapus), the pageant impresario along with his boytoy and photographer Ricardo (Mikael Daez); college student Alfredo (Aljur Abrenica), who's infatuated with Virginia P, and Nimfa (Rufa Mae Quinto), Serafina's much abused alalay. As fate would have it, the ship caught fire and the aforementioned characters find themselves marooned on a desert island. With no supplies for shelter nor food for sustenance.

What follows are the hilarious squabbles, feckless and inconsequential, but undeniably fun!

Somewhere along their discord blooms romance, friendship, and jealousy. And desperate trappings to survive take them into situations that are frolicky and hilarious.

Heart Evangelista: lovely but inconsistent!

This cinematic update of the Joey Gosiengfiao 80's camp classic renames most of its characters to pay homage to Gosiengfiao who was regarded as one of Regal Films' "bold directors". To be perfectly honest about it, I only saw the original "Temptation Island" early this year (Thanks, Kyle!), but I have never had so much fun watching an old Tagalog flick with faded color schemes. It has, in fact, become a personal favorite. And one of the pleasures of watching it was predicting which new set of actors would eventually land the characters. I got the line-up 100% right, although I didn't know Dennis Trillo would be in it! Trillo would take the role of Tonio (originally played by a mestizo actor named Tonio Gutierrez), Christina G's boytoy.

In this film, the main characters were renamed into the vamps that personified Gosiengfiao's cinematic muses, mostly Alma Moreno starrers. Virginia P. was a titular character that starred Alma Moreno, Richard Gomez and Alice Dixson (Jonas Sebastian, who played the original Joshua, wrote the script for this 1989 flick). Cristina G was from "Diary of Cristina Gaston" (1982) that also starred Moreno, Alfie Anido and Jimi Melendez. Serafina was from "Nights of Serafina" shown during the "ST phase" of Philippine cinema in 1996, topbilled by an actress I barely remember, Georgia Ortega - with her consorts Mike Magat and John Apacible. Nympha was from "Nympha", another "bold flick" in 1980 that starred Moreno, Ricky Belmonte, Orestes Ojeda and Alfie Anido. It's actually Pura K (Kikinang) that I can't quite place. This character portrayed by Solenn Heusaff (in this new version) and Bambi Arambulo (in the original) could be one of Alma Moreno's characters too. This move is particularly amusing as it pays homage to Gosiengfiao who loved his women donning Regal's "wet white magic kamison" and his men in the skimpiest bikini briefs.

Lovi Poe: incandescent performance!

Heart Evangelista takes on Dina Bonnevie's kolehiyala role (a character originally named "Dina" but has since been changed to Virginia P.) Though we initially thought Heart would be perfect for the role, she hardly passed muster. Her performance brought a character that was largely inconsequential and inconsistent, vacillating between a snooty college brat and an equally infatuated girl to Alfredo's (Aljur Abrenica, who plays a the college jock) romantic pursuits. Evangelista's performance is a curiosity. We couldn't picture another actress for the same role yet she twiddles between tentatively annoying and downright forgettable. It could have been a perfect fit. What gives?

It couldn't be blamed entirely on her sparkless chemistry with Abrenica playing Alfredo, a role originally played with suave confidence by the English-proficient Alfie Anido; something that Abrenica is too far removed. Abrenica's deliveries were perfunctory and at times painful... like playing a pre-recorded dull declamatory line, robotic and wooden, taking Machete back to the fore. For this folly, the usually insightful director Chris Martinez could have tweaked the script a bit by allowing Abrenica to speak in the vernacular. Pag di kaya ang Ingles, Tagalugin! This will solve the linguistic hurdle. Unfortunately, even Abrenica's Tagalog lines were stiff and amateurish. How long has he been in the business? One year?

For all of Abrenica's physical splendor, he is hopelessly hammy, which is sad considering the fact that he is being groomed by his mother studio as a top-tier leading dramatic actor. What is with GMA's lead actors? Richard Gutierrez, Aljur Abrenica, now (from all indications) Mikael Daez? There is a consistently common denominator: beautiful, but bland!

Marian Rivera, as Cristina G, hams it up. Her zealous demeanor could have taken her character to town. Even her English affectations were in perfect sync with Azenith Briones' original performance. They play an ambitious escort girl who dreams of conquering her poverty-stricken existence. Unfortunately, her Cristina G fails to stay afloat. She may have been Marimar, Darna, Dyesebel and Amaya, but her over eager depiction of Cristina G sinks into the realm of caricature.

The lovely Marian is paired off with the ruggedly handsome Tom Rodriquez who takes on Domingo Sabado's role as the cruise ship waiter Umberto.

Solenn Heusaff wrestles with her Tagalog, but her character is well placed. Pura K grew up from an old rich family; she's well schooled and connected. But her family fortune is fast dwindling. This contest, her 4th, would hopefully take her back to her rightful social status. However, at the back of my mind, I couldn't help but think of the adorable Carla Abellana and what she could have done with the role. If you've seen her last year in "Shake, Rattle and Roll - Punerarya" (also produced by Regal Films), you would know what we're talking about.

Solenn is paired with the very green Mikael Daez as Ricardo, the kept boy (originally played by Ricky Belmonte). But Daez was unexpectedly droll. There was hardly a hint of romantic spark between the two. What's worse, Mikael doesn't register as well as he did in his Jollibee commercial or his boobtube personas for that matter. To be fair, this is his first film - shot just a few months into his entry in the business. To my mind, he could have done better with Alfredo's role - the cono jock who's smart and dependable. Aljur could have essayed the perfect callboy Ricardo. I am nevertheless looking forward to his next projects. Despite this debacle, Daez seems like a promising personality.

Alfie Anido: sorely missed!

John Lapus can't hold a candle to Jonas Sebastian's Joshua, the pageant impresario with a kept boy, who later becomes errr... "food"? Joshua is a pivotal role, taking the film's campiness to theatrical frolic. In fact, he bears a number of iconic lines, including references to the movie's title:

"How can you resist all the temptations in this island?"

"It's a sabotage, an accident, a twist of fate."

"There ought to be a law against social climbers. They ought to be executed."

"This is like Cairo, a perfect spot for a camel ride."

Lapus doesn't have the verbal cadence and vocal flourish of Sebastian, though on the whole, Lapus is a serviceable Joshua.

Aljur Abrenica takes his Machete role to heart: wooden!

Rufa Mae Quinto updates the maid's role Nympha (played originally by Deborah Sun) and owns it like it was written for her. She's always had this sardonic take on pedestrian lines, her impeccable wit at delivery is just pure joy. She simply cracks me up. There were a few scenes that showcased her comedic talent: when she was making a bench out of the dunes; her "dance of the seven veils" that ushered the scene where everyone else falls into the lure of the island; her blind servitude to her mean employer, etc.

Mikael Daez plays kept boy-photographer Ricardo.

But among the bevy of beauties on display, it is Lovi Poe who shines the brightest! She's perfectly attuned to her character - catty, ambitious, maid-toting Serafina, played in the original by Jennifer Cortez. When she flips her hair and waves a stick against her enemies, she embodies this snooty girl who looks down on everyone. She's this seductress; the vamp from hell, and obviously, Panday's sophisticated daughter. What a joy to watch!

Much of the script has been kept intact, even the treatment of scenes has been carefully studied to remain faithful to the original. Sure, cyber technology has been adequately placed, but not much else. Martinez also did away with the protracted and useless contestants' speeches that characterized the concluding portion of the original. And this time, Cristina G chooses the right man for her.

Are we in favor of the idea of remaking and updating "Temptation Island"? Absolutely! A whole new generation is not familiar with the original. There are people who wouldn't take the time to watch a grainy, almost black-and-white 1980's film. Some stories deserve to be told - again! Though this work isn't as fun as its predecessor, Martinez rides his humble boat by carefully tweaking its story line into something as close to the original - in all its campy and artistic sensibilities. It's a tough act to follow. But this is Chris Martinez, one of the most brilliant directors of his generation.

Tom Rodriguez plays the waiter Umberto.

Alfie Anido was the original Aldredo, played in the current version by Aljur Abrenica.

My Valentine Girls - Three Times the Mundane

Mainstream movie making has come to this.

In the not so distant past, a “GMA Film” was once synonymous with “landmark, quality films”. Everyone was proud and excited being in one. And film lovers looked forward to these screenings. But those, sadly, were the days. Nowadays, a GMA Film is equivalent to diarrheaic stools (Remember “I.T.A.L.Y.” ?) And as I said earlier, it has come to something as banal as “My Valentine Girls”.

Patronize Tagalog films?

Patronage, much like “respect”, has to be deserved; not imposed! Isn’t it enough we’re paying admission fee to be dumbed down by such pile of crap? But to really heap praises on something this mediocre is too much to ask. Let’s take note of the fact that this was “Rated B” – “Basura” anyone? – by those idiots at Cinema Evaluations Board (C.E.B.)

The movie is a cluster of 3 short stories from the imagination of novelist Arvin Perez (Richard Gutierrez) who’s summoning inspiration to finish his anthology. But where does he derive inspiration when his romantic plate is nil? He gets by, apparently. We are then taken to these shorts.

In “Soulmates”, Oslec (a taxi driver, played by Gutierrez) and Aia (a fashion designer, played by Rhian Ramos) figure in a fatal vehicular accident that left Oslec’s soul wandering restlessly, unable to find closure with his mourning family. He seeks the help of Aia, the girl who run him over while he was fixing a flat tire. Oslec needed Aia’s company to be able to get back home (why he couldn’t do it on his own is a great mystery... he’s a “ghost”, for crying out loud; someone who could walk through walls and inanimate objects). The reluctant Aia acquiesce, giving them ample time to know each other and even check out their bucket list (“to make the most of our time”) – by taking a day out at the Enchanted Kingdom! This paved the way to a budding romance that eventually subtends a twist that left me chuckling down my chair. But just when you thought it was safe, there had to be another twist (in all its half-witted redundancy) that contests the boundaries of plausibility!

This segment is particularly careless, almost to an asinine level. One scene has Gutierrez visiting Aia’s home. When he knocked and found the door ajar, he comes in without an invitation and even finds his way to Aia’s deserted room upstairs, gazing through picture frames and Aia’s personal stuff. When her dad (Lloyd Samartino) finds the stranger strolling around their modern abode, he asks, “Sino ka?” He replies, “Kaibigan ako ni Aia.” So friendship gives him liberty to gallivant around a friend’s house without the owner’s consent? If I find a stranger going through my stuff at a second floor room, I’d call the police and have this trespasser arrested for breaking and entering! After all, if he was a friend, why doesn’t Aia’s father know him? An iota of brain cells should suffice to understand that something is amiss in the narrative’s logic!

In a scene where Aia is disrobing as she prepares for shower, she suddenly finds an audience in Oslec who’s comfortably sitting at the tub. He shrieks, “Bakit kasi dito ka naghuhubad, eh alam mo namang may nagmumulto!” Can’t it be because it’s her bathroom? Where else does he expect Aia to strip and bathe? Now have you ever encountered such an exasperatingly dumb ghost?

And really now, making the most of your time means going to Enchanted Kingdom? Babaw huh!

Spoilers!

The most glaring faux pas in “Soulmates” is the characters’ inability to recognize that they were both itinerant souls! But if both of them were, why then was Aia able to interact with people and inanimate objects; even pay admission fees at the leisure park, join queues at the rides, etc. If you are referencing Zac Efron's "Charlie St. Cloud" - where there were two "ghosts" in the story, you'd have to assure better story telling at the very least. If there was a brain involved in the conception of this story, it would be, in Miriam Santiago parlance, that of a one-celled amoeba!

The culprit in this syllogistically challenged story is director Dom Zapanta!

Chris Martinez’s “Gunaw” is a satirical echoing of the apocalyptic zombie yarn (and hit TV series) ”Walking Dead”. It’s been three years after frolicking North Korean lovers (John Lapuz and Maureen Larrazabal) accidentally pushed the button that culminated in the holocaust. Aidan (Gutierrez) is scouring the earth in search for other survivors (he woke up to a lifeless world, but for the occasional zombies). One day, he finds Ivy (a former bank manager, played by Eugene Domingo) who’s bulheaded to repopulate the world with a worthy male. And who could be a more perfect male specimen that Aidan who’s just 1 inch shorter than Ivy’s criteria. “Pwede na,” she opines. But Aidan has more pressing matters in mind. i.e. to find other survivors. One fateful night, they find a congregation of virile men who went ape when they found Ivy, the lone female survivor in the world. Ivy’s ecstatic over their attention. What becomes of Aidan?

This portion is easily better than “BBFF” or “Soulmates”. The production design depicting a cataclysmic world is adequate and Eugene Domingo, who eerily resembles Shrek’s Princess Fiona, is volubly adorable. Did you expect anything less from Domingo who’s queen of the peanut gallery?

To say that “Gunaw” is in the realm of Shake, Rattle & Roll’s “Punerarya” is unfair to the latter. For one, this script is riddled with inconsistencies. In several lines, you get the impression that the world ended from a nuclear warfare. In another scene, it was biological (thus explaining the zombies), churned out by "first world power" - but North Korea is far from being "first world", isn't it? And obviously, nuclear is different from biological!

“Punerarya” is beautifully threshed out in all its narrative flourishes; “Gunaw” feels too superficial, too narratively emaciated and derivative to be seriously considered a notable work. It ends up like a bad parody of well loved zombie movies. Where else do you find zombies who hesitate when pointed a gun? Better yet, where do you find jogging zombie athletes when earlier in the scene, they were referred to as slow pokes, “Ang babagal ng mga yon!” Ano ba talaga, ate?

Andoy Ranay’s “BBFF” is MVG’s most contrived. Zack (Gutierrez) and Andi (Solenn Heusaff) are two peas in a pod. They’re inseparable as best friends so much so that at a dinner date, Zack (a lawyer) professes, “You’re my number one”. The dolphin trainer replies with a curt, “You’re crazy!” Ouch! Andi then sets Zack on a blind date with fellow lawyer Rubi (Lovi Poe). Sparks fly and the two start spending more time together than the best friends. This bothers Andi. What follows is a rather predictable yarn we’ve seen a million times in other better told rom-coms.

I do have scruples gobbling Gutierrez and Lovi as lawyers, it was like walking the thin line to follow the story. Lovi is lovely (and singsongs her lines like KC Concepcion) but she dresses like she was gonna party all the time. If she was a Toronto-bred lawyer, I would be Angelina Jolie. The dialog is rather more cinematically conceived but mostly baffling. Take this: While Lovi was on her hospital bed, she had to console Gutierrez with a line that doesn’t bear any connection to the story line: “I have to let you go, para mahalin mo ang sarili mo.” Beautiful, right? Unfortunately, there’s nothing in the story that shows Gutierrez not loving himself! He isn’t a drunkard, an addict, a workaholic – thus it is baffling to hear that line from a character who was actually hurt (she was shot by a stray). Cinematic, but disconnected.

In a scene at the hospital, we’d find Lovi sitting on a wheelchair, decked in a hospital gown. Richard comes over to hug her tight.Teka! Wasn’t she shot right where the heart is? No chest bandages? No breast wounds? Which reminds me of a scene in the earlier “Soulmates”: Richard was confined to his hospital bed (yes, again!), with a tube down her throat, which means it would be quite a feat to produce a sound from an intubated mouth and throat. Yet, when Richard finally wakes up, he finds his mother (Princess Punzalan) at his bedside. He then speaks very clearly: “Nay!” Nothing short of a miracle to do so when you have a tube hooked down your pulmonary passages! Didn’t I say MVG is amazing?

Lovi Poe is affecting when you aren’t distracted by her garbs, high heels, peekaboo slinky designer night dresses. A simple line like “Wag mo naman akong gawing tanga” is heartfelt and sincere, a talent honed by Poe’s forays into the indie scene. Solenn Heusaff shows promise. She registers beautifully on screen, although her accent is still too organic to bridge empathy. I wouldn't mind watching Solenn in more films in the future, but I specifically remember her shutting her doors on a showbiz career. In a “Survivor” episode, she was heard saying, “Remember this. I will never become an artista after this.” Guess what?

Finally, Richard Gutierrez has to be commended for a spectacular turn in “My Valentine Girls”. In a film where he plays four characters: Arvin the writer, Oslec the taxi driver, Zack the lawyer and Aidan the holocaust survivor, it was hard to find any difference from any of the four. There is absolutely no delineation in terms of character evolution or development. His thick rimmed eyeglasses possessed more insight than the actor.

This is an inscrutable mystery to us. How does Richard Gutierrez turn out to be such a major ham when he comes from a family of actors? He is as sensitive as the pebble stones at our lanai.

In "My Valentine Girls", Gutierrez has succeeded in portraying four characters by way of a single emotionally incipient person with the sensitivity of a drying paint and the emotive capacity of eggplants! Now that is for the books!