Joyce Bernal's "Da Possessed" - Gold in Misery

Three ghosts are out to settle score when they are inadvertently dug out from an unmarked grave on a land where a casino is being built. Problem is, our would-be hero Ramon (Vhong Navarro) is a wimp, a “lampa”, with a weak heart. But he desperately needs to work to save his family’s house from foreclosure. He meets and falls in love with Ana (Solenn Heussaf), the spunky daughter of the casino’s owner Don Demetrio (Joey Marquez) who has a shady past.

Meanwhile, our ghosts (Empoy Marquez, John Lapus and Aaliyah Belmoro) have to intermittently take over Ramon's body to coax the truth out from the murderer who happens to be Don Demetrio. Will Ramon solve the ghostly trio’s dilemmas: revenge, a proper burial and finding a playmate? How will this affect Ramon’s burgeoning relationship with Ana? Will he save his family out of their financial rut? Guess.

Director Joyce Bernal spins an oft familiar yarn that’s not too far removed from her other collaborations with Vhong Navarro in the distant past. In fact, if you feel a certain degree of déjà vu while watching the movie, don’t worry, it isn't you.

But the spirited cast which also includes Joy Viado, Smokey Manaloto and Beverly Salviejo more than makes up for the narrative cliché.

Vhong Navarro hams it up and succeeds even in brain-dead comic punchlines. He has always been a brilliant comic. Try the banana jokes. “Paano pababalikin ang saging?” Answer: “Tu---ron! (Tarah)” “Paano mo paaalisin ang saging?” Answer: “Tanggalin mo ang B. Ana-na!” Are you laughing already? The jokes are a hit and miss affair, a tack not unfamiliar in Joyce Bernal’s slapstick comedies. Most of the jokes are highly dependent on the comedic intuition and quick wit of the actors. When Mama Belen (Beverly Salviejo) was abducted, Ramon’s sister-in-law Marie (Matet de Leon) insightfully deduced: “Nasa abandonadong bodega!” When asked how she knew, she replied:  “Lahat ng kinikidnap, si Mara (Clara), si Marimar, si Claudine, si Kristine Hermosa, lahat sila dinadala sa isang abandonadong bodega!” O nga naman.

Navarro perfectly complements with the gorgeous Solenn Heussaf who continues to amaze us with her spot-on characterization even in comedy. Heussaf has been known for her emotive honesty so it’s a surprise to find her perfectly tempering her Ana character with deft precision. Listen to her speak Tagalog like the natives, if that isn't impressive compared to other half-breeds, I don’t know what is. The girl just works hard so you don’t cringe listening to her speak her lines. Have you heard from the once-again-bankable Papa Piolo inviting you to “Download the Eb…”? “Epp?” Ah, “application”! Epp daw kasi eh. Ohgawd!

Like other Vhong Navarro movies, there’s a dance showdown somewhere in the movie. Vhong and Solenn in fact danced a hip-shaking Christian Martinez novelty tune with a large crowd at a mall. The theme – Bollywood! Irony isn't lost in us because wasn't Solenn in the amateurish “Mumbai Love” which had execrable musical numbers?  This is how a Bollywood musical number is done, Benito Bautista! Stop rationalizing that good choreography and cinematic execution require an enormous sum of money.

As for Vhong, his recent traumatic run in with fellating ladies and rich extortionists seem to have revitalized his sagging movie career. His last film with Star Cinema was 3 years ago with Chito Rono’s “Bulong”, wasn't it? His “Shake, Rattle and Roll’s The Invasion” for Regal was 2 years ago. Who regularly watched "Todamax" on TV? 

Now, scroll through your Facebook page. It’s easy to find dimwits calling him “idol”. While we are glad that Vhong recovered from his assault and that the arrogant Cedric Lee and company are wallowing in their legal woes, we shouldn't be quick to place philanderers on pedestals just because they survived an ordeal that would have been prevented had he not taken “foods” to a shadowy acquaintance’s condo in the wee hours of the night while his girlfriend waited at home. And some elevate him to being a “hero”. Would he have seriously apologized, albeit tearfully, to his partner and kids on national television had he not been caught? "Idol", you bet. Go figure.

Chito Rono's Shake Rattle & Roll 14 The Invasion - Not So Scary Tales

PAMANA (Writer: Ricky Lee)

A mysterious uncle leaves a P20-million inheritance to four of his relatives whom he hasn’t seen in ages: Donald (Herbert Bautista) is a mild mannered former priest who’s financially hard up. Myra (Janice de Belen) is the intemperate business woman with abusive streaks to his husband’s son. Faye (Arlene Muhlach) is Myra’s congenial cousin. The fourth cousin is Tisoy aka Benedict Collins (Eri Neeman) who’s vaguely interested with his departed uncle’s wealth. The dead uncle was once a popular comic book writer who’s done well creating macabre characters.

Once summoned by their uncle’s lawyer, the cousins troop down to a ramshackle house that reeks with malevolence. But what's important is the departed's millions, right? Unfortunately, the big stash carries a catch: Paintings of the uncle’s cast of popular characters – the vampire Man de Nado (Fabio Ide), hair monster Filomena (Dimples Romana), the mother-killer Tiyanak and piano-playing Rosalda (Snooky Serna) - are distributed among the cousins. They have to keep them for a month – and if they survive, only then will they be able to get their share of the 20 million.

This condition isn’t as easy. The characters come to life and Tisoy, who dumped the painting in a garbage, becomes the first victim. The gang rush back to their uncle’s house, taking their family with them: Myra’s husband Benjie (Dennis Padilla), Benjie’s son Felimon (Gerald Pesigan), Faye’s daughters Cynthia (Empress Schuck) and Gladys (Anna Vicente), and Cynthia’s suitor Emerson (Ivan Dorschner). Once inside, doors shut and they find themselves trapped inside. What’s worse, the comic characters start to appear, wrecking havoc all around. And the only one to stop them was a fifth character, heart-eating Buboy, Ang Munting Diablo (Rain Papa). But why would Buboy help them when all he wants to do is play with his victims before consuming their hearts? Will the gang survive their uncle’s monsters?

LOST COMMAND (Writer: Rody Vera)

On cursory surveillance, a group of soldiers head into the dense jungle of Barangay Putotan. They’ve heard of the mysterious disappearance of folks and the wandering creatures that go bump in the night. Is the ragtag group of former soldiers responsible for this? The platoon soon begins to lose their men cryptically seized in the silhouettes of the woodland. With briskly dwindling numbers, Martin Barrientos (Dennis Trillo) decides to follow Linda (Ella Cruz), a blind girl, who takes them to her “Itay” (Ronnie Lazaro) said to be able to help them. What they find instead is more bewildering – former soldiers and comrades have turned into the undead, and they’re being recruited to be part of this group. With the help of Corporal Upaon (Paulo Avelino) who’s been fed the flesh of others and Private Conde (Martin Escudero) who steers the undead away from Barrientos, the platoon leader is taken by Linda's father to where he could jump to his freedom. “Kunin mo lang ang anak ko, at ilayo mo sya dito,” pleads Itay. But the jungle is treacherous and the path is long. What becomes of Barrientos?

UNWANTED (Writer: Roy Iglesias)

A catastrophic earthquake separates Hank (Vhong Navarro) from his pregnant girl friend Kate (Lovi Poe) who’s lost in the rubble. Upon gaining consciousness, two days after the incident, people are still trapped as they find their way out. Hank finds other survivors, Ming (Eula Caballero), Neil (Albie Casino), and their Uncle Tom (Eric Tai); there’s Rex (Carlo Aquino) and a loud gay man (Chokoleit). Each one eventually fall prey to the peculiar creatures similarly trapped in the rubble. When Hank finally finds Kate, they scamper out of the building, only to discover that the world they once knew had ceased to exist. Space ships hover in mid-air; dinosaur-like creatures saunter across them, and they’re approached by unidentifiable beings who soon take their semblance.

Director Chito Rono seems to be the perfect person to handle three disparate stories for the 14^th installment of the horror trilogy. In fact, there’s something nostalgic with the return of Janice de Belen, Arlene Muhlach and Herbert Bautista into the series since their first appearance 18 long years ago: Bautista for Peque Gallaga’s “Manananggal”, De Belen for her iconic role in Ishmael Bernal’s “Pridyider”, and Muhlach for Emmanuel H. Borlaza’s “Baso”. But while these three old tales were compelling to watch, Rono’s new age fables are emotionally distant and uninteresting. There’s nothing much in its exposition that draws you in. More importantly, the element of suspense is tepid, if non-existent.  

In a scene in “Pamana”, the group finds a spinning top in the middle of the room. Do you get: 1. Scared? 2. Perplexed? 3. Move away? Human instinct is basic, and when we’re accosted by something sinister, we either fight or “fly”. Instead, Janice and company stare and engage in a discussion. It was almost too funny. In both “Pamana” and “Unwanted”, Rono tried injecting humor - that both Myra and Faye got pregnant before getting married, for example, and there’s Vhong Navarro in “Unwanted” who refers to Chokoleit as “Di tiyak”. While Vhong is a brilliant comedian, fear and laughter are too unrelated, and fusion of both results into anything but harmonious. The end product: lukewarm exposition with an apocryphal emotional engagement. As an audience, we invest something into our viewing experience: Do we get sad and sympathize? Do we shiver in our knickers and shriek with fear? Do we laugh until we’re blue? Curiously, SSR 14 doesn’t induce any. We just didn’t care enough.

“Lost Command”, on the other hand, feels like a spiritless version of the Korean movie, “R-Point”, about a band of missing soldiers, presumed dead, who sends a radio transmission to their base. But while “R-Point” is relentlessly gripping, “Lost Command” is languid with characters almost unrecognizable from the next. It was mostly successful in gathering some of the hottest soldiers in the cinematic universe: Dennis Trillo, Martin Escudero, Paulo Avelino, Alex Castro, JC Tiuseco, AJ Dee, Kenneth Paul Salva, et.al. Then Rono renders them disposable. What a waste of masculine meat. Tee hee.

SRR 14 was Rated A by that dubious ratings group, Cinema Evaluations Board (CEB). Considering that this is actually one of the worst installments from the series speaks oodles about the capacity of the CEB to rate quality films. How much government money is being spent to maintain this useless arm? Heaven knows this group badly needs to be scrapped. 

Paulo Avelino, Dennis Trillo, and JC Tiuseco

Kate and Hank are in a quandary: she's pregnant!

Survivors: Eric Tai, Vhong Navaro, Eula Caballero & our favorite baby-maker Albie Casino.

Dead Korean soldiers come to life in "R-Point".

Bulong - Tepid Scares and Scanty Chuckles

I was quite disappointed with Chito Rono’s unseemly marriage of horror and comedy which seems like a novel idea to begin with. It postulates on the idea that if you whisper a wish on a newly departed soul, your wish will come true. The theory rests on the idea that these itinerant souls may convey your wishes to the afterlife!

Conan (Vhong Navarro) is banking on this superstition to summon the affections of an affable nurse Ellen (Bangs Garcia) at the hospital where he works as an orderly. Matters turn to worse when he finds Ellen in tender embrace with resident physician Doc Randy (Jon Avila). Conan feels he has to expedite the dubious rite. With the help of his childhood friend Oprah (Angelica Panganiban), he attends a wake and soon finds himself whispering to the dead. But nothing is happening. When he gives Oprah a kiss, she reciprocates with a magnanimous slap. Why wasn’t it working? The reason? The deceased was deaf when she was alive, thus a jejune outcome. (Did you laugh?) One night, a drunken Conan witnesses a road accident involving an old woman, Lola Paula. While waiting for help, she expires – and Conan gets a second chance to whisper to the dead.

A day after, triumphant Conan finds Ellen throwing herself lustfully towards him. Life is turning over into an enchanting chapter for Conan, but suddenly, Lola Paula’s ghost begins to haunt him. He learns that he whispered on a mangkukulam – a witch (played by Angie Ferro) who unwittingly cast a fatal spell on her own daughter (Sylvia Sanchez) and grandchild (Neri Naig as Lala). But wait, Conan and Oprah could still save Lala, right? How can they break the spell? This takes them to far away Bohol to battle the dark forces borne out of a spell.

If you are following me so far, it becomes clear that the title is erroneous, as it wasn’t the “Bulong” (whisper) that made things go bump in the night, but whispering on a dead and conflicted witch! Thus, “Kulam” would be its rightful title.

Vhong Navarro does his best to carry this discordant genre-busting flick on his scrawny shoulders with ease and charm, but it is far from the chortles borne out of great comedies. In fact, several of the gags fall flat, and even Angelica Panganiban’s masterful comic timing fails to lend its brilliance here. As Oprah, Panganiban is an inconsequential character that can be stricken off the cast without the premise tumbling down. But you have to remember, this is a Chito Rono film – who hasn’t done a lot of mediocre work! Where did it go wrong?

For one, some of the characters waver in their committment to hybrid laughter and terror. Ruben Gonzaga (PBB’s grand winner) is neither funny nor scary as Conan’s hunchback cousin Simon. Our favorite extra, Melanie Dujunco – the queen of the overeager, and one of 2010’s worst actresses for her scene-stealing role in “Emir” – manifests her hammy self once again as a nurse. If you think we are picking on her, check out the scene where she was told to call security. Dujunco, in her healthy demeanor, then shrieks, “Wala na tayong security!” We heard someone from the back saying, “Ang OA naman!” Once again, in ways where she feels this was going to be her penultimate, Famas’ Best Extra Award-winning scene! Why Rono would keep employing a sore thumb-stickler like Dujunco is beyond us! Can’t act – and isn’t even easy on the eye to at least parry the blows of her thespic inanity!

When Conan visits a narcoleptic “manghuhula” (clairvoyant), she asks him what he was there for. He replies with a sardonic, “Eh di hulaan n’yo.” (Did you laugh this time?) There are confounding scenes here; scenes that belong to a different movie: A hotel concierge wearing a giant Tarsier mask, and a couple of Korean tourists suddenly turning into zombies engaged in tag-you’re-it “habulan” with Conan and Oprah. Upon reaching Bohol, they found the disgruntled family of the witch, all named Lala, Lily and their Lolo. “Ma-L pala kayong lahat,” quips Conan. (Did you laugh again?) Other gags are just too random to believe this is a script written by Roy Iglesias: “Sinong artista ang maraming ngipin?” Reply: “Si Ma-teeth (de Leon.)" "Sinong artista ang mas maraming ngipin? Reply: "Eh di si Edgar Mor-teeth!” As if that wasn’t enough: “Sinong artista ang isa lang ang ngipin?” Reply: “Vilma Isan-tooth” Having fun so far?

Which reminds me, I shouldn’t have missed my orthodontist’s appointment had I known this was gonna be too flimsy both as comedy or horror.

Vhong Navarro is a funny man, and he deserves every accolade he has been receiving as one of our naturally funny comedians. But even great comedians can’t do much with a material as ill-conceived as “Bulong”.

You can’t make cinematic magic out of knee-jerk wisecracks or peremptory creepy tales. Not when you can’t even justify your title.

P.S. "Bulong" is rated B by those droll trolls at the Cinema Evaluations Board (C.E.B.), some of the most enterprising group of individuals in the land who patronize their friends more than great movies.

my only u is my only vomitus

i asked my uncle who's an internist and he said that systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE) patients, though not particularly at the top of the health tier, is not EXACTLY a death sentence, so i wonder why all the hulabaloo about dying in the new cathy garcia-molina movie, my only u - starring toni gonzaga and vhong navarro.

i was annoyed the way the script kept slapping the audience's consciousness with death from minute zero til kingdom come of this star cinema movie. it just rubbed me raw the way it stupidly spoonfed its audience ad nauseam. is this the shape of the medical profession in the country? THAT a physician is as stupid and notoriously incompetent as their physician (benjie paras) in this movie? no wonder foreigners perceive our doctors as idiots!

if SLE's complications - the nephropathy - is really bound to kill toni's character, then why is she apparently asymptomatic? she doesn't look "toxic" (ill) and nowhere in the movie is she complaining of anything! sure, it turns out that she had another person's results - but this underlines the idiocy of the medical team who diagnosed this said patient - as well as spotlight the peabrain of the people who wrote the script for this vomitus!

too bad for toni gonzaga who is the sole redeemer of this sourpus movie! vhong isn't bad, but toni is earnest and winsome, despite a moronic story! who ever thought of this story should be burned at the stakes! what a waste of my P150!