Benito Bautista's "Mumbai Love" - Pedestrian Effort, Failed Ambition

While on a fashion assignment in Mumbai, Ella (Solenn Heussaff) is pursued by Nandi (Kiko Matos), an Indian resident in Manila who’s in the Indian city to attend a cousin’s wedding. Sparks fly after their first date, but as fate would have it, Ella had to abruptly leave. What’s worse, the note she left for Nandi gets misplaced at the front desk of the hotel. With no contact details nor full names to go on with, both settle back into their lives with deep regret.

Back in Manila, Nandi tries the television talk shows to find Ella to no avail. The girl seems to have disappeared from the face of the Earth. One night, while watching a gay pageant where his cousin Romni (Romy Daryani) is a judge, he finds Ella backstage attending to the contestants’ wardrobe. Ella’s Mama Nikka (Jason Gainza) is the pageant’s costume designer and make-up artist. The couple briskly rekindles their budding romance, but finds resistance in Nandi’s parents. They have earlier arranged for their 25-year-old bachelor’s betrothal to the daughter of a rich Indian family. Though warned of being cast out from the family, Nandi fights to keep Ella in his life.

But there’s more trouble brewing in the horizon. Ella gets abducted by Marco (Mart Escudero), her colleague from work and secret admirer, who takes her to a desolate farm house in Laguna, keeping her a prisoner. With the help of a nasty crew of “bumbays” – the loanshark gang headed by Rashid (Raymond Bagatsing), Nandi scours the town to secure the girl. Will they find Ella before it’s too late?

The Philippines is home to an estimated 150,000 Indians, mostly of Sindhi or Punjabi ethnicity; this according to a 2008 statistics. But this I believe is a conservative estimate. The number could be triple. After all, this minority group has been in the country since pre-colonial times, and the 17^th century Gujarati merchants made sure that their transoceanic empire flourished long before we've even acquired modernization.

Moreover, anthropological studies have revealed proofs of active trade between Tamil Nadu (the south Indian region) and the country as early as the 8^th and 10^th century. These days, the “bumbays” have become part of our sociological existence: the turbans, rotis, 5/6, the tongue-burning gastronomy, snake charmers, Kashmirian fabrics, cheap surgical instruments and cancer drugs, and the frolic of Bollywood.

Gradually spilling over in the entertainment field, a number of the latest Indian features have been screened in SM cinemas last year. This includes Shahrukh Khan’s highly entertaining “Chennai Express”, Reema Kagti’s suspenseful ghost drama “Talaash” (“The Answer Lies Within”), Rajkumar Hirani’s “3 Idiots” (shown 4 years too late), and Yash Chopra’s “Jab Tak Hai Jaan” (Til There is Life) – also with superstar Shahrukh Khan. These screenings were always well attended, underlining the sizable population of Indians in the metropolis. Is it any wonder then that “Mumbai Love” would eventually come into being?

Kiko Matos is Nandi and Solenn Heussaff as Ella.

 “Mumbai Love” is constructed in the same Bollywood template: a main narrative premise, colorful Bollywood song-and-dance numbers, and a protracted story line that stretches for hours, Benito Bautista’s lighthearted tale is well anticipated. With spirited performances from its charming leads, a sparking cinematography, a traipse into delightful Mumbai and a director who showed immense promise in his two earlier films (the searing "Boundary" and documentary “Harana”), how could it fail? Unfortunately, this movie disappoints.

Bhansali's "Ram-Leela"

To begin with, the dance sequences are shabbily choreographed, the dancing not even synchronized - and dancing is a key element in Bollywood, for those who hid in the caves for the last century or so. 

Bollywood and its Hollywood-inspired nicknames (which officially started in 1932 as Tollywood based in Tollygunge, West Bengal)  treat their dance sequences with due attention, diligence and precision. Meanwhile, the dancers in “Mumbai Love” looked like they rehearsed for a fortnight then began shooting. Very few Indian movies do away with dancing and music, like one of my all time favorite, Aparna Sen’s “Mr. & Mrs. Iyer” (2002). 

Let’s take the case of Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s “…Ram-Leela”(2013) which is essentially “Romeo and Juliet” uprooted to the colors and exoticism of India’s Udaipur. This tale of the star-crossed lover becomes sexualized like it hasn't been before, yet its tragic comeuppance is nonetheless cloaked in some of the most eye-popping musical numbers I've seen in a while. And we're talking about a tragic narrative. Moreover, the plump guys in many Telugu films can out-booty shake anyone from “Mumbai Love” – and that’s a shame since we Filipinos are known for our universal musicality. In Bautista’s tale, music and dance become part of the ingredient, but they seem like after thoughts, i.e. expurgated flights of fancy.

You’d expect a “harana” (serenade) scene from Benito Bautista to work, but believe me, you’re better off forgetting the aforementioned scene altogether. 

There are commentaries about Indian customs like the arranged marriage, but even this was handled without much thought. After Nandi was warned against marrying another girl, the succeeding scene has the parents celebrating the rescue of Ella and their son’s engagement to the French-Pinay. What made them change their minds so fast? Fast resolutions can be attributed to 1) laziness to unspool the kinks in your narrative clutter; 2) carelessness of the storyteller; 3) a myopic vision on situations that should otherwise make sense. We blinked and Nandi’s dilemma for his “arranged marriage” is suddenly gone. How convenient.

LAPSES AND MISPLACEMENTS

Now the obvious lapse in the script: You go out on a fantastic date in a foreign land and you won't even ask for each other's full names? You won't even talk about which area you live in Manila? "Saan ka banda?" Ako doon sa malapit sa peryahan." Nothing? You ride bikes all over and have romantic rendezvous yet you won't even exchange numbers? No exchange of call cards or email addresses? What is this, the 1930's? Isn't that a little too incredulous to believe? That - or the thinking cap's been compromised.

There are misplaced side stories that didn't help move the plot, like Jun Sabayton and his son’s anti-Indian sentiments. Strike them off the story plate and you won’t miss anything. Raymond Bagatsing’s loansharks are another. Gym-buff loanshark Indians, seriously? And a commentary that the “5/6” scheme helps propel our nation's economy -  “because this is micro-enterprise” - sounds too superfluous to digest.

The scenes in Mumbai are another problem. In the movie, Mumbai forfeits its grandiose colonial sheen. Suddenly, the glorious streets of Colaba seem like little Quiapo, except for the iconic yellow-and-black taxi cabs inherent in Mumbai. The Gateway of India seems like an oblique view of UST’s century arch. If they WERE indeed filmed in Mumbai, then someone got shortchanged.

Beautiful scenery from Pila, Laguna.

Martin Escudero is hopelessly stuck in his “Zombadings” persona. His character Marco, who’s in love with Ella, is so effete, you’d understand why she never looked at him as a romantic possibility. When he starts acting out as the spurned lover, I half expected him to come out of the closet. Jason Gainza hams it up as Ella's cross-dressing adoptive “mother”. But we just didn't find him that amusing to begin with. Angelina Kanapi does another cooky "lady boss" role, but she comes off like a drugged out hipster. Hasn't she done this in 4 - no, make it 7 - other films in the past? The Indian cast does better, but then I am probably scraping the bottom already.

FLICKER OF LIGHT

If there’s a flicker of light in this lackadaisical ouvre, it would be Solenn Heussaff and newcomer Kiko Matos (last seen in Jason Paul Laxamana’s stirring “Babagwa”). While decidedly easy on the eyes, Heussaff is also earnest and makes for an adorable romantic heroine. There's much to admire about Heussaff because she has always been a sincere performer. She does away with extraneous emotions that would unnecessarily spill over a characterization. Her Tagalog is amazing – and remind me again how long has Sam Milby worked in the Philippines?

Kiko Matos, on the other hand, is just too gorgeous to ignore. Sometimes you want to click the pause button and just gaze at Matos’ smile a second longer! How's that for a romantic lead? He occasionally stumbles with his slapstick scenes, but you’re far from picking an egg to throw on screen. He is just adorable. Check out his bharat scene. He looked so awkward prancing around, but you hardly mind him. Beauty indeed has distinct advantages because sometimes, it helps you get away with murder. But what happens when novelty wears off?

In 2011, Director Bautista’s “Boundary” blazed the cinematic trail. There's no doubt that a great film maker was born. This was further reinforced when his documentary “Harana” opened in the festival circuit the following year. Then comes “Mumbai Love” which is nothing short of a rudimentary work. What happened?

If “Mumbai Love” gets a commercial screening anywhere in India, it would be an absolute embarrassment. The Indians who are weaned on the pomp and pageantry of Bollywood, Tollywood and Kollywood might find “our” craft too amateurish. Do we really want that? Do we deserve such pedestrian effort? 

   

Ikaw na, says Kiko Matos.

Solenn Heussaff and Kiko Matos pose in Mumbai.

Chito Rono's Shake Rattle & Roll 14 The Invasion - Not So Scary Tales

PAMANA (Writer: Ricky Lee)

A mysterious uncle leaves a P20-million inheritance to four of his relatives whom he hasn’t seen in ages: Donald (Herbert Bautista) is a mild mannered former priest who’s financially hard up. Myra (Janice de Belen) is the intemperate business woman with abusive streaks to his husband’s son. Faye (Arlene Muhlach) is Myra’s congenial cousin. The fourth cousin is Tisoy aka Benedict Collins (Eri Neeman) who’s vaguely interested with his departed uncle’s wealth. The dead uncle was once a popular comic book writer who’s done well creating macabre characters.

Once summoned by their uncle’s lawyer, the cousins troop down to a ramshackle house that reeks with malevolence. But what's important is the departed's millions, right? Unfortunately, the big stash carries a catch: Paintings of the uncle’s cast of popular characters – the vampire Man de Nado (Fabio Ide), hair monster Filomena (Dimples Romana), the mother-killer Tiyanak and piano-playing Rosalda (Snooky Serna) - are distributed among the cousins. They have to keep them for a month – and if they survive, only then will they be able to get their share of the 20 million.

This condition isn’t as easy. The characters come to life and Tisoy, who dumped the painting in a garbage, becomes the first victim. The gang rush back to their uncle’s house, taking their family with them: Myra’s husband Benjie (Dennis Padilla), Benjie’s son Felimon (Gerald Pesigan), Faye’s daughters Cynthia (Empress Schuck) and Gladys (Anna Vicente), and Cynthia’s suitor Emerson (Ivan Dorschner). Once inside, doors shut and they find themselves trapped inside. What’s worse, the comic characters start to appear, wrecking havoc all around. And the only one to stop them was a fifth character, heart-eating Buboy, Ang Munting Diablo (Rain Papa). But why would Buboy help them when all he wants to do is play with his victims before consuming their hearts? Will the gang survive their uncle’s monsters?

LOST COMMAND (Writer: Rody Vera)

On cursory surveillance, a group of soldiers head into the dense jungle of Barangay Putotan. They’ve heard of the mysterious disappearance of folks and the wandering creatures that go bump in the night. Is the ragtag group of former soldiers responsible for this? The platoon soon begins to lose their men cryptically seized in the silhouettes of the woodland. With briskly dwindling numbers, Martin Barrientos (Dennis Trillo) decides to follow Linda (Ella Cruz), a blind girl, who takes them to her “Itay” (Ronnie Lazaro) said to be able to help them. What they find instead is more bewildering – former soldiers and comrades have turned into the undead, and they’re being recruited to be part of this group. With the help of Corporal Upaon (Paulo Avelino) who’s been fed the flesh of others and Private Conde (Martin Escudero) who steers the undead away from Barrientos, the platoon leader is taken by Linda's father to where he could jump to his freedom. “Kunin mo lang ang anak ko, at ilayo mo sya dito,” pleads Itay. But the jungle is treacherous and the path is long. What becomes of Barrientos?

UNWANTED (Writer: Roy Iglesias)

A catastrophic earthquake separates Hank (Vhong Navarro) from his pregnant girl friend Kate (Lovi Poe) who’s lost in the rubble. Upon gaining consciousness, two days after the incident, people are still trapped as they find their way out. Hank finds other survivors, Ming (Eula Caballero), Neil (Albie Casino), and their Uncle Tom (Eric Tai); there’s Rex (Carlo Aquino) and a loud gay man (Chokoleit). Each one eventually fall prey to the peculiar creatures similarly trapped in the rubble. When Hank finally finds Kate, they scamper out of the building, only to discover that the world they once knew had ceased to exist. Space ships hover in mid-air; dinosaur-like creatures saunter across them, and they’re approached by unidentifiable beings who soon take their semblance.

Director Chito Rono seems to be the perfect person to handle three disparate stories for the 14^th installment of the horror trilogy. In fact, there’s something nostalgic with the return of Janice de Belen, Arlene Muhlach and Herbert Bautista into the series since their first appearance 18 long years ago: Bautista for Peque Gallaga’s “Manananggal”, De Belen for her iconic role in Ishmael Bernal’s “Pridyider”, and Muhlach for Emmanuel H. Borlaza’s “Baso”. But while these three old tales were compelling to watch, Rono’s new age fables are emotionally distant and uninteresting. There’s nothing much in its exposition that draws you in. More importantly, the element of suspense is tepid, if non-existent.  

In a scene in “Pamana”, the group finds a spinning top in the middle of the room. Do you get: 1. Scared? 2. Perplexed? 3. Move away? Human instinct is basic, and when we’re accosted by something sinister, we either fight or “fly”. Instead, Janice and company stare and engage in a discussion. It was almost too funny. In both “Pamana” and “Unwanted”, Rono tried injecting humor - that both Myra and Faye got pregnant before getting married, for example, and there’s Vhong Navarro in “Unwanted” who refers to Chokoleit as “Di tiyak”. While Vhong is a brilliant comedian, fear and laughter are too unrelated, and fusion of both results into anything but harmonious. The end product: lukewarm exposition with an apocryphal emotional engagement. As an audience, we invest something into our viewing experience: Do we get sad and sympathize? Do we shiver in our knickers and shriek with fear? Do we laugh until we’re blue? Curiously, SSR 14 doesn’t induce any. We just didn’t care enough.

“Lost Command”, on the other hand, feels like a spiritless version of the Korean movie, “R-Point”, about a band of missing soldiers, presumed dead, who sends a radio transmission to their base. But while “R-Point” is relentlessly gripping, “Lost Command” is languid with characters almost unrecognizable from the next. It was mostly successful in gathering some of the hottest soldiers in the cinematic universe: Dennis Trillo, Martin Escudero, Paulo Avelino, Alex Castro, JC Tiuseco, AJ Dee, Kenneth Paul Salva, et.al. Then Rono renders them disposable. What a waste of masculine meat. Tee hee.

SRR 14 was Rated A by that dubious ratings group, Cinema Evaluations Board (CEB). Considering that this is actually one of the worst installments from the series speaks oodles about the capacity of the CEB to rate quality films. How much government money is being spent to maintain this useless arm? Heaven knows this group badly needs to be scrapped. 

Paulo Avelino, Dennis Trillo, and JC Tiuseco

Kate and Hank are in a quandary: she's pregnant!

Survivors: Eric Tai, Vhong Navaro, Eula Caballero & our favorite baby-maker Albie Casino.

Dead Korean soldiers come to life in "R-Point".

Moron 5 and the Crying Lady - Apropos Titling & Boy Abunda' s Skewed Thoughts

As children, Albert, Isaac, Aris, Michael Angelo and Mozart (Luis Manzano, Billy Crawford, Marvin Agustin, Martin Escudero and DJ Durano respectively) have breezed through grade school with copious difficulty for them to finish the whole term in 8, instead of 6 years. Acquiring the scholastic competence of 8 year olds, the quintet becomes close friends, growing together and bungling things in wild abandon. But instead of suffering from their stolidity, they instead wreck havoc on others: their teachers, classmates, principal, and an effete classmate who’s infatuated with Albert. In fact, this gay classmate almost got blind.

A decade later, our protagonists have grown up still hurdling their final year of high school. One day, they crashed the wedding ceremonies of Becky Pamintuan (John Lapus) and in one inadvertent sweep, they’ve outed the transsexual bride to her unassuming Japanese lover Hiroshi. The groom dies on the spot. Hence, derided Becky plots her condign retribution. Hell hath no fury like a gay man scorned! Becky then sets the quintet up for the murder of her father (a sloppily organized crime scene) that eventually threw the guys in prison. How will our quintet extricate themselves from this predicament? Will they ever find justice – when even their folks want them incarcerated? Has Becky succeeded with her implacable schemes?

In what could be one of mainstream cinema’s silliest slapstick romp, Wenn Deramas’ “Moron 5 and the Crying Lady” succeeds to bring Pinoy comedy to lower depths of cinematic mediocrity. The brains behind this cinematic faux pas ought to be reminded that idle anatomical parts have a tendency to atrophy. In this case, there is luminous proof of vacuity of cerebral functions. So I am genuinely concerned for the mental health of Wenn Deramas and his co-script writer Mel Martinez-del Rosario. Have their brains shrunk and dwindled to the size of peanuts?

The energy on display in “Moron 5” is one of fervid stamina, the lines are delivered with enough ebullience you sometimes lose yourself in the precise cadence of their comic camaraderie. In fact, talent bristles and overflows in its cast, but for DJ Durano who’s eternally ill at ease with his humor. Why he keeps getting roles in comedy is always a painful watch. But while energy isn’t lacking in “Moron 5”, it’s the narrative content that’s grossly spare and deficient. This is Wenn Deramas at his most uncircumspect. The funny bones have been left somewhere in Burkina Faso, and if you don’t know where that is, try Gaborone – the capital of Botswana, which finds its way in a life-saving quiz show at the tail end of the story.

The narrative is sprinkled with inane gags that are too silly or senseless to relate, but I shall try. Like a prison riot that started because Isaac (Crawford) feels it’s unjust to eat a pinakbet without an okra. He wants his okra bad and he wants it on his prison tray. After all, okra has been dismissed and rudely ignored in “Bahay Kubo”. While shopping for second hand items, the quintet turns to the branded items: LV for Lou Veloso; Armani Pacquiao; Zara Geronimo; Gap by Annabel (Rama) and Nadia (Montenegro). Laughing already?

In another scene, the quintet line up and distribute lines to: "Ang susunod na eksena ay may rating na SPG. Patnubay at gabay ng magulang ang kinakailangan." Since when was this dour MTRCB reminder funny? When Mike's (Escudero) father asks him: "Tumakas ka?" He replies with a horribly cheesy and effete "Whatever!" What was that?

Among the supporting players, it's Jon Santos who plays his part to the hilt. Jon Santos mischievously essays Luis' mom Vilma Santos impersonating the Batangas Governor with moxie: "Are you sure you are ok alright? I am glad you're alright ok, son!" While he was rallying for Luis during the final duel, Santos goes all out with his Vilmaisms: "Si Val, si Val na walang malay!" Then he shouts: "My son is not a pig!" When reminded that it wasn't his line, he composes himself and quips, "Ay, sa kumare ko pala yun!" then continues with "Ding, ang bato!" You can't help but laugh at Santos' irreverence! He also underlines the hit-and-miss character of the film's humor.

Luis Manzano has found his footing in Deramas’ comedy thus he appears comfortable and watchable despite the puerile scenes he’s had to endure. He enjoys easy chemistry with Billy Crawford who appears too hefty, his flabby, protruding abdomen juts out like a Helium-full pillow. And he’s going to make his European comeback looking this pudgy? You just wonder. Marvin Agustin, while expectedly competent, seems misplaced in the company of his younger co-stars. In fact, this line up is as discrepant where age is concerned, you wouldn’t believe they were all in the same class together – unless there was an alternate universe, of course. Martin Escudero coasts on his past triumphs, intermittently interchanging his Michael Angelo character with his Remington (in “Zombadings”). This doesn’t bode well for a young upstart because we start to wonder if his earlier thespic success was indeed a “fluke”.

Clockwise from top left: Luis Manzano, Billy Crawford, DJ Durano, Martin Escudero, Marvin Agustin


John Lapus: made it tolerable.

John Lapus works hard as the vindictive Becky Pamintuan. In fact, he made this experience a tad more tolerable, but not by much. As the transsexual Becky, his turn has thrown the issue of transsexuals entering the Miss Universe pageant to the fore. More than ever, his scenes make it palpably choleric. Is it really enough that she was born with the "emotions of a woman trapped in a man's body" to make him a genuine member of the fairer sex? Whether his sexual orientation is that of one, his original anatomical make up will never make him a woman.

SOUR MOMENT

And let me digress. When Boy Abunda took it upon himself to vigorously expound and lecture on sexual re-assignments, gender identifications and orientations (as though he’s the only enlightened one about these topics) in last Sunday’s “The Buzz”, we found it unethical to actually impose his crooked thoughts on his audience. Moreover, it was disrespectful to the Binibining Pilipinas winners to have to ask their opinion about this matter when they knew his (and LGBT’s) stand on the issue. You do not refute the host of a show or you risk his good grace. That's common sense.

So Mr. Abunda, while you offered a disclaimer that your thoughts are not an imposition, lecturing about sexual orientation and gender identification left a bitter taste in the mouth. It was rude and your points were a fallacious clutter of gibberish desperation.

“Women have become presidents, black people who used to be sold in plazas have become Presidents of countries, and the UP Student Council President is a transsexual,” he emphasized. Stacking dissimilar milestones in maudlin fashion doesn't make a wrong point right! He espouses on equality and gets an off tangent notion that transsexuals should be conveniently equal, thus similar, to women? Gender classifications and sexual orientations have acquired a new age criteria, and these have become acceptable. There are men, there are women and there are homosexuals.

ALLOWING WOMEN IN MR. UNIVERSE?

But to say that men who have had gender re-assignments by way of an invasive procedure essentially become 100% females – thus should be eligible for a contest like Miss Universe – is just plain ludicrous. There are contests for men. Should we allow women then in Mr. Universe contests for the sake of equality? There are contests for gays. What should stop women from entering them if gays were allowed in women-only pageants? Proper things in proper places.

PAGING ABS CBN

It is an affront to the real females who possess a different internal make up: women have uterus, a pair of Fallopian tubes and ovaries, a cervix and a real vagina. Mr. Abunda wants to fit an oblong in square pegs. He lectures on national TV that squares and triangles and oblongs should be equal when, clearly, there's a reason why shapes are different from each other. The nerve, really. While I welcome liberal ideologies, ridiculous, albeit absurd liberties such as his should be declared as such. He postures as if he’s the only cognitive being when clearly, his motives are skewed. Why does ABS CBN allow this abominable practice? It was annoying!

How abominable? Try watching Wenn Deramas’ “Moron 5 and the Crying Lady”. That is how!

Posturing as LGBT's intellectual voice - a LADLAD representative in the future? Boy Abunda is so smart he lectures on national TV about gender reassignments and sexual orientation. You see, he's the only enlightened one.


Canadian Jenna Talackova, a 23 year old transexual who had her gender reassignment surgery at the age of 19 - wants to be part of Miss Universe pageant.