Khavn dela Cruz's Edsa XXX - Five Star Awful

In the year 2029, the world looks like an abandoned war town bathed by surreal psychedelia. In the struggling nation of Ek-ek-ek, a reluctant leader Tatlong Mata (Epy Quizon) is shoved into the political maelstrom of a newly installed government sinisterly maneuvered by self-serving benefactors called Hukbalaka who linger with ulterior motives. 

The aforementioned clandestine group, of course, want national domination. A flurry of odd characters further influence Tatlong Mata’s every action: his sexy girl friend Ana Mari (Sheree), as well as an Amazonian movement headed by Mariana Mariano (Althea Vega) who plots to foil the ministrations of Hukbalaka.

I came into the film looking forward to enjoying what promised to be a brilliant satire; a superior film. After all, this had glowing reviews all over the worldwideweb. I rarely read reviews prior to watching a film, but I felt I had to make heads and tail about its plot before diving into a film from one of the mavericks of the Independent Philippine Cinema. Besides, this was among a dead critic’s bucket list – a musical from director Khavn de la Cruz. The film maker is known for infusing mixed media in his films. Meryll Soriano’s “Paalam Aking Bulalakaw” (2006), for example, had delectable poetry and dreamy music framing the inherent narrative. He’s had a lot of “music” in his works even before “Edsa XXX” came about. This should be a treat, right?

Unfortunately, that wouldn’t be the case. While several critics have given it their highest marks, a sophisticated action of gargantuan mystery, the film is one egregious mistake. To add some flair into its otherworldliness, Director Dela Cruz employs the fisheye lens to further skew its message, delivered in harrowing pages of what he fashioned was a mixed bag of humor, satire, rock musical, dance revue, and whatever it was that he set his mind to. The result is one alienating tripe that’s more rubbish than alternative.

This makes their associated labelings: “The first movie filmed entirely in Corregidor Island” and “shot in fisheye lens” – utterly unnecessary and dubious. I can in fact make a film using the “bottom of a coke bottle” and it won’t amount to much without valid storytelling. The songs are loud (as rock anthems should be), dissonant and melodically spare, you’d wish you were crapping in a toilet than summoning hypertension in your seat. And true enough, someone was filmed taking a crap in one of the crannies of the Malinta Tunnel. If you don’t believe this, try googling for its theatrical trailer. The film in its entirety felt like a desecration of a historical site. They had jokes that no one found amusing. Otherwise, I would have heard even a single chuckle during its screening. Of course, I probably saw the film on a different day than when any of the amused critics watched it. There was so much irritable ugliness in the amateurish blocking and dance sequences, they seemed like random parts of a long dress rehearsal. By curtain call, it was clear that someone needed to be burned at the stakes.

Tatlong Mata (Epy Quizon) and Ana Mari (Sheree)

My whole Cinema One movie viewing was relatively pleasant, but “Edsa XXX” inspired suicidal tendencies. This was painful; a major irritant. Iyaya, my BFF, excused herself to go shoe shopping instead, refusing to do her cinematic penance. “Life is too short to suffer like that,” she whispered before leaving me. And she had every right to do so. After all, she was a paying consumer and thought this was money down the latrine. Why then were there glowing reviews all over, she later asked? There was obviously a term for this affliction, and I couldn’t help but laugh despite my frustration.

During this festival, I kept seeing this Caucasian guy who watched most of the films screened during the festival. I must have met him almost a dozen times, missing him only in 4 films. He always carried a backpack with him. I overheard him say that he would usually travel to Manila to watch our tourist-trapping film festivals. This is good news, if a tad surprising, right? When I saw him outside, after “Edsa XXX’s” screening, he was telling his friend, “That was quite awful.” Five-star awful, and I couldn't agree more.  

Althea Vega dances the tango.

Crapland. Yes, someone actually crapped!

Historical ruins and the figurative cinematic structures.

Sheree as Ek-ek-ek's First Girl Friend Ana Mari, a former prostitute.