Tony Y. Reyes' "My Illegal Wife" - Humor Challenged Borrowings

After getting booted out of a job in Japan, 39 year-old Clarisse Sabaldica (Pokwang) comes home with a resolve to find her children a “father”, someone they can depend on. As fate would have it, she serendipitously meets Henry James Acuesta (Zanjoe Marudo) on her flight back to the Philippines. It's love at first sight. Unfortunately, her attraction is not reciprocated. But when their plane crashes, they find themselves marooned on an island. What’s worse, Henry suffers from amnesia. It's the opportunity opening up for her fervent wish.

Clarisse then concocts a plan to convince the poor guy that they are a married couple. “Pinatulan kita?” asks a baffled Henry. So goes the start of their blissful lives. Unknown to Clarisse, Henry is a “gold mule”. Several pieces of gold have been incredulously planted in his abdominal viscera prior to the plane crash (as though this was even medically possible). As if that wasn't enough, Henry is actually in a relationship with struggling jeweller Clarize (Ellen Adarna) who plotted the stygian operation. And the latter is desperate to find her missing beau. 

Back on the home front, Henry is starting to enjoy the attention he’s getting in Clarisse's household. The couple is, in fact, planning their church wedding with the help of their zany circle of friends (Beauty Gonzales, Pooh, Empoy Marquez, Edgar Allan Guzman). But sinister Clarize - "with a Z" - is closing in on them.

What happens if Henry regains his memory? Will Clarisse’s annoyingly cloying son Liam (John Steven de Guzman) lose a father figure? Will Clarisse forfeit her chance to have a complete family? Guess.

Tony Y. Reyes’ “My Illegal Wife” predicates solely on borrowed narrative snippets culled from Star Cinema’s array of blockbuster romcoms and the hit Angel Locsin teleserye, not to mention Kathniel's "Got2Believe": “It Takes a Man and a Woman”, “She’s the One”, “Bakit Di Ka Crush ng Crush Mo”, “Bride for Rent”, “Starting Over Again”, and that commercial-riddled vomitus called “Maybe This Time”. Its derivative content makes movie viewing utterly predictable and an unnecessarily gargantuan snooze . I felt like playing “sipa” or “tumbang preso” inside the cinema. I wanted to be anywhere but there. 

Even the supporting characters feel manufactured. Let’s take Empoy Marquez’s fractured and specious use of English words. Hasn't he done this similar ruse in a couple of romcoms in the recent past? If you had a fourth of a brain, you’d get exasperated by Marquez’s ludicrous shenanigan. "I smell something specie?" Duh. Too much of something is, well, “too much” – so we wanted to flush this charmless dingbat in a toilet bowl. Get rid of this abomination already. Beauty Gonzales’ briskly disappearing pout (supposedly born out of her rabidly kissing lover) is present in one scene and gone the next. She even felt the need to reference Wella, her character in “Starting Over Again”, as though people would find it amusing. I didn't. Wella’s two minutes of fame has rightfully passed so puh-lezzz bury her now!

There are several lines that make fun of physical attributes: "Ang isa, mukhang itik." In another scene, it becomes "Ang mga kaibigan niyang mukhang nalubog sa putik." "Janitor fish!" This is a hallmark of old school humor; the lazy variety that comedians/humorists of low-tier capability employ very often. And what's with the side story involving Jimmy Santos? Wasn't it one of the most painful movie moments you've ever watched in your life? Santos' idea of heightening emotions is his annoying sudden shouts. He would follow this up with grievous dramatic caterwauling. You'd think this old man had schizophrenia instead of Alzheimer's Disease. Santos apparently can't act to save his life. Yes, "Bang Bang Alley" was a fluke. But then Santos is being directed by Reyes; someone who's as clueless with on-cam emotions as he is in telling stories. 

Joy Viado’s cookie character is likewise troublesome. “Ba’t mo in-Indian si Liam, hindi ka naman Indian?” That was a joke? Seriously? Who laughed? And the clincher was...? Tony Reyes’ idea of humor is so 80’s that he could be responsible why Vic Sotto’s filmography is worth nothing but crap. “Pak! Pak! My Doktor Kwak?” “Lastikman?” “Fantastic Man?” “Iputok Mo, Dadapa Ako (Hard to Die)?” “Kabayo Kids?” Enumerating these titles even feels like an ominous predicament, a prostitution of sobriety and common sense.

Pokwang doesn't really take on a character. The movie runs with a succession of parody that doesn't quite synthesize into a singular coherent narrative. It's a feast of paper-thin caricatures. Pokwang is, of course, comfortable "being herself" but the film medium is a make-believe world and she isn't making believe. She's doing a protracted stand-up comedy show. Her impression of Nora Aunor elicited laughter ("Meron ba akong hindi alam, asawa ko?"). Zanjoe’s impression of Xian Lim, Daniel Padilla and Enrique Gil bear no semblance to the aforementioned gents so you end up with a headache trying to connect his so-called "joke". It was so flat I heard the wind from the east on its way to Ecuador. Zanjoe’s “Pinatulan kita,” was funny though. Joy Viado’s flirting with men was cringe-worthy. Zanjoe’s “I need an acceptable explanation” likewise flatlined and went to heaven. You see, everything about the film is a “hit-and-miss” affair; but they're mostly “misses”.

After Sarah Geronimo and Coco Martin’s recent disaster, Pokwang and Zanjoe Marudo follow awkwardly like another blundering pair, you’d never believe in a hundred million light years that something will romantically curdle between these two disparate souls. That Marudo and Pokwang are hailed as the “King and Queen of Skylight Films”, respectively, is pure gas. It is a slice of dishonor, if you ask me. Skylight Films, Star Cinema's alter-ego, has been churning out one mediocre film after another, with the exception of Veronica Velasco's “Tuhog”. This purveyor of second-rate mainstream fare is giving Star Cinema a bad rep.

A glimmer of hope in this gloriously wasteful effort is Ellen Adarna. She initially comes off irresolute, no thanks to vapid, albeit one-dimensional character development, but she eventually catches up, playfully pursuing the sinister-but-occasionally-funny vixen. When she contorts her face, you knew she was going to be a fumbling menace. And oh God, what a beautiful menace she is. If her character’s a bit unhinged or incoherent, it’s the brilliant writers’ undoing.

In one scene, she yells, “Sino ba ang babaeng yan?” How can she not know? Her henchmen had been spying on Pokwang’s Clarisse for some time to get to Zanjoe's Henry. It was even the reason why they found him, wasn't it? Someone conveniently forgot?

SURPRISES

Here's a surprising fact: I watched "My Illegal Wife" twice to confirm my observations about this film, but what I've observed was this. Sarah Geronimo's "Maybe This Time", released 2 weeks ago, has folded for good. It's not in cineplexes anymore as I write this. How long did Toni Gonzaga's "Starting Over Again" run in our cinemas? An impressive 8-9 weeks, and even longer. "Maybe This Time" (MTT), after its 2nd week is gone. So tell me honestly, would you believe when they say that the Sarah-Coco starrer was a gargantuan hit? In fact, "My Illegal Wife" enjoyed a bigger and fuller crowd in Cebu (SM Cinema 3) as it was at a Gateway cinema. Moreover, while the Manila crowd had a more reserved reception to the film's humor, Cebu crowd was rowdier. Davao audience wasn't as pleased. The movie played on almost empty halls and the few who watched weren't laughing. What does this signify? Is the Manila crowd a more sophisticated audience than the provincial folks? Is Davao more urbane in their humor? There should be a sociological explanation to these discrepancies, shouldn't there?
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But this much is true, when a comedy flick offers laughters that are exceeding few and far between, you would wonder about the material’s raison d’etre and, subsequently, its source of inspiration. They designed a persona with Pokwang's ebullience and temperament. "My Illegal Wife" is a bad idea in the guise of comedy. One wonders why Star Cinema is “making hay” successively producing bad films this year! Is it following the foot steps of GMA Films? Anyare?   

Joyce Bernal's "Da Possessed" - Gold in Misery

Three ghosts are out to settle score when they are inadvertently dug out from an unmarked grave on a land where a casino is being built. Problem is, our would-be hero Ramon (Vhong Navarro) is a wimp, a “lampa”, with a weak heart. But he desperately needs to work to save his family’s house from foreclosure. He meets and falls in love with Ana (Solenn Heussaf), the spunky daughter of the casino’s owner Don Demetrio (Joey Marquez) who has a shady past.

Meanwhile, our ghosts (Empoy Marquez, John Lapus and Aaliyah Belmoro) have to intermittently take over Ramon's body to coax the truth out from the murderer who happens to be Don Demetrio. Will Ramon solve the ghostly trio’s dilemmas: revenge, a proper burial and finding a playmate? How will this affect Ramon’s burgeoning relationship with Ana? Will he save his family out of their financial rut? Guess.

Director Joyce Bernal spins an oft familiar yarn that’s not too far removed from her other collaborations with Vhong Navarro in the distant past. In fact, if you feel a certain degree of déjà vu while watching the movie, don’t worry, it isn't you.

But the spirited cast which also includes Joy Viado, Smokey Manaloto and Beverly Salviejo more than makes up for the narrative cliché.

Vhong Navarro hams it up and succeeds even in brain-dead comic punchlines. He has always been a brilliant comic. Try the banana jokes. “Paano pababalikin ang saging?” Answer: “Tu---ron! (Tarah)” “Paano mo paaalisin ang saging?” Answer: “Tanggalin mo ang B. Ana-na!” Are you laughing already? The jokes are a hit and miss affair, a tack not unfamiliar in Joyce Bernal’s slapstick comedies. Most of the jokes are highly dependent on the comedic intuition and quick wit of the actors. When Mama Belen (Beverly Salviejo) was abducted, Ramon’s sister-in-law Marie (Matet de Leon) insightfully deduced: “Nasa abandonadong bodega!” When asked how she knew, she replied:  “Lahat ng kinikidnap, si Mara (Clara), si Marimar, si Claudine, si Kristine Hermosa, lahat sila dinadala sa isang abandonadong bodega!” O nga naman.

Navarro perfectly complements with the gorgeous Solenn Heussaf who continues to amaze us with her spot-on characterization even in comedy. Heussaf has been known for her emotive honesty so it’s a surprise to find her perfectly tempering her Ana character with deft precision. Listen to her speak Tagalog like the natives, if that isn't impressive compared to other half-breeds, I don’t know what is. The girl just works hard so you don’t cringe listening to her speak her lines. Have you heard from the once-again-bankable Papa Piolo inviting you to “Download the Eb…”? “Epp?” Ah, “application”! Epp daw kasi eh. Ohgawd!

Like other Vhong Navarro movies, there’s a dance showdown somewhere in the movie. Vhong and Solenn in fact danced a hip-shaking Christian Martinez novelty tune with a large crowd at a mall. The theme – Bollywood! Irony isn't lost in us because wasn't Solenn in the amateurish “Mumbai Love” which had execrable musical numbers?  This is how a Bollywood musical number is done, Benito Bautista! Stop rationalizing that good choreography and cinematic execution require an enormous sum of money.

As for Vhong, his recent traumatic run in with fellating ladies and rich extortionists seem to have revitalized his sagging movie career. His last film with Star Cinema was 3 years ago with Chito Rono’s “Bulong”, wasn't it? His “Shake, Rattle and Roll’s The Invasion” for Regal was 2 years ago. Who regularly watched "Todamax" on TV? 

Now, scroll through your Facebook page. It’s easy to find dimwits calling him “idol”. While we are glad that Vhong recovered from his assault and that the arrogant Cedric Lee and company are wallowing in their legal woes, we shouldn't be quick to place philanderers on pedestals just because they survived an ordeal that would have been prevented had he not taken “foods” to a shadowy acquaintance’s condo in the wee hours of the night while his girlfriend waited at home. And some elevate him to being a “hero”. Would he have seriously apologized, albeit tearfully, to his partner and kids on national television had he not been caught? "Idol", you bet. Go figure.

Mae Czarina Cruz's "Bride for Rent" - Hits and Misses

A grandson plots to deceive his grandmother by pretending that he’s married. But the grandmother, aware of his machination, hatches a scheme to teach his cunning grandson a lesson by marrying him off to the former’s accomplice. Meanwhile the third-party accomplice is actually a saint who sacrifices her puny self to provide for a family of five able-bodied souls. But she wouldn't be so poor if fate lends a hand and she suddenly finds love in the midst of all this ruckus, would she?

Would that suffice to fabricate a story that would propel a blockbuster romantic comedy? Fact: Mae Czarina Cruz’s “Bride for Rent” is 2014’s first official blockbuster with humongous crowds turning in cineplexes as early as the first screening. 

Let’s backtrack a bit. Rocco (Xian Lim) was supposed to cash in on his multimillion-peso trust fund when he turned 25. But there was a caveat to this; that he should be married before he gets the first P10 million, then P70 million if he lasted this number of weeks – and so on.

Unfortunately, Rocco doesn't have a girl friend who is willing to marry him. Moreover, his ad agency is in urgent need of cash (which he earlier splurged while gambling) or he loses a vital account that would embarrass him to his estranged father (Tirso Cruz III). So he hires aspiring actress Rocky (Kim Chiu) to be his bride. Meanwhile, the plucky girl just wants a roof on her family’s head. She agrees to the odd arrangement of marrying this stranger to save her family from being homeless. The pretense would have them living together in a conjugal home for a specific time before they could eventually call the marriage off, file for annulment, then live their lives with oodles of cash as they ride into the sunset.

But as predictable as Kris Aquino’s self-indulgences, life isn't a walk in the park, and the unlikely couple find themselves unexpectedly falling for each other. Should they admit their feelings and offer conciliatory confessions? Should Rocco re-propose and re-affirm his new found affection to the indubitable Rocky? Should the latter declare her love to the piano-playing Lothario despite her double-whammy deception? What to do?

As romcom goes, “Bride for Rent” resorts to a pother of sitcom gags that surprisingly work due to the burgeoning comic ability of Kim Chiu who’s experiencing a renaissance of sorts where her performing aptitude is concerned. She has found a persuasive and confident voice in her comic cadence. A few lines still fall flat, but Chiu is mostly resolute. The result is nothing to scoff at. Her spitfire Rockelita dela Cruz suddenly becomes a cinematic heroine worth remembering. She has several moments of impeccable precision, like when she starts enumerating her house rules, then quips with a nonchalant “Please refer to rule number 1, which you just agreed.”  How about her hooky, “Isn't it amazing? Isn't it surprising? Isn't it?” Or when Rocco suddenly catches her buck naked while showering, then she moans, “I feel so molested”. Or when she daydreams of kissing Rocco at the kitchen. Or during her repeat audition when she’d say, “Di naman ako na advice na Q&A pala to.” There’s no denying that Miss Chiu is basking on a new thespic sun, and we’re so glad for her.

What’s an adorable heroine without her equally dishy paramour? Xian Lim complements Chiu’s comic calisthenics with his earnest portrayal of the happy-go-lucky, albeit opportunistic dream boy who just wants to do better than the father he resents. Lim is probably aware of his physical charm and he makes good use of this (the kitchen daydream scene). When Rocky tries to remove his shorts, he fetchingly protests, “Hala-la-la-la-la”. Awww. Chiu and Lim have found the perfect chemistry in celluloid heaven. We just wish they’d stop Lim from singing too much on screen because, while he maybe a fantastic musician, his vocal chops aren't so much to crow about. And serenading a girl with a dissonant version of “Til I Met You” leaves a bitter taste in the mouth.

While I admit to finding pleasure in the spirited performances of Kim Chiu, Xian Lim, Pilita Corales and Empoy Marquez, the story arc and details leave much to be desired. This is a romcom fueled by the imposturous ministrations of its characters. The grandson is deceitful. The grandmother is shifty. Rocky isn't the innocent by-stander either because she came into the picture aware of the schemes of both. Are we supposed to empathize with these grafters? Then there’s the lazy Dela Cruz clan. With 3 able-bodied brothers and a physically capable father (Dennis Padilla), why is scrawny Rocky working so hard while her four male kapamilyas are sitting on their arses, feeling sorry for themselves? This is one free-loading, indolent family I'd rather do without. They all deserve to be taken to Cedric Lee’s condo unit, no doubt. Maybe Mr. Lee can knock some sense into them as much as he’s capable of disarranging Vhong Navarro’s facial and skeletal - and allegedly even genital anatomy.

What lucid lola would push her apo to a spurious marriage? Even if this were “to teach him a lesson… so he learns to value what he has”, isn't she aware that sometimes no amount of money can guarantee a successful annulment case? Aren't old folks supposed to uphold marriage as a "sacred sacrament”? Yet she plays with this covenant, making God an accomplice to her lesson-teaching scheme. That is some grandmother.

Several other points are worth noting. The house given as a gift by Pilita was posh and huge, yet Xian had to coin toss for him to get a chance to stay on their matrimonial bed. Otherwise, it’s the couch for him. Weren’t there other rooms in this gargantuan two-story house? Poor, poor Xian.

The biggest glitch here is the restaurant scene. When Rocco had to re-propose, wasn't that Rocky’s chance to come clean and accept his real proposal, instead of unnecessarily admitting her part of the devious plot? After all, she’s admitted to Lala that she’s falling for him, and Lala seems to genuinely like her. They had to rock the boat to maneuver tension into the convoluted story. The big revelation (drum roll please!) was that their marriage was a sham. Who didn't know that? Rocco knew. Rocky knew. Lala knew. Now, even Rocco’s father knows. Such happy coincidences indeed. The succeeding scenes were too farcical to swallow. Rocco turns his ire to his crowd and declares, “This doesn't give you the right to play with my feeling.” This coming from someone who jumpstarted this whole put-up job? I had to scratch my head.  

The film succeeds to tickle some fancy. But if Mae Cruz wants to be taken seriously, she has to learn how to tighten her narrative and seriously sit on her story line instead of resorting to the moth-eaten romcom formula that Star Cinema is feeding her. For now, she has to thank her lucky stars for Kim Chiu and Xian Lim’s refreshing performances. That may not be enough next time.

Xian Lim and Kim Chiu: The hit-making team.