Jerry Lopez Sineneng's "Maybe This Time" - All Around Awful

Awful. I was incredibly perplexed. When Sarah Geronimo opened “Maybe This Time” with a voice over, it was like listening to a “best elocution exercise”. It could earn a good mark if we were in class, but it was an exercise nevertheless. Deriving sincerity from her skewed delivery was another thing. Why Geronimo would exclusively speak in the Queen’s tongue in a story that involved Tagalog-spewing Pinoy blue collar workers is as baffling as Kris Aquino comparing “My Little Bossings” and “Spiderman 2”. It was off-putting to say the least, because it came out stilted and unnatural. Lea Salonga in “The Voice” commented that Geronimo’s English is improving. “Push mo yan,” she’d egg her on, but hearing Geronimo’s “There was never as ussssssssssss….” kept giving me goose bumps. Sharon Cuneta spoke impeccable English yet her quotable film quotes were kilometric Tagalog words, not vacuous pretentious English phrases that reeked of hollow emotions and cliches lifted from some undisclosed romantic novels. Viva Films is apparently trying hard to elevate Sarah’s hip quotient. If Jerry Lopez Sineneng’s film is any indication, then they’re doing Sarah a disservice because it is becoming obvious what she is not.

The story leaves much to be desired. Boy meets girl (Coco Martin and Sarah Geronimo, respectively) during the latter’s outreach program in an idyllic seaside community. He flirts with her while she’s giving the poor children reading lessons. But what can you say about a guy who disrupts classes, flirts in front of the kids, puts his arms on her shoulder without any resistance, sweeps her off her feet and carries her to the sea – all these even before he officially asks if he could court her. Yeah, sure, we’re tickled pink. Their world is an alternate universe of light-hearted romance. Yipee! But we have to wait for another day before she accepts his romantic offering, right? When that day finally comes, Sarah learns that she’s been abandoned. No notes, no goodbyes, no text messages, no emails, no YM offline nor Kakao talk messages. Nada. This was of course 10 years ago.

Present day. Sarah, aka Stephanie Asuncion, works for an advertising firm whose main client is Kakao Talk (so we basically know how juvenile and cheap the company is, right?) This is headed by Ruffa Gutierrez aka Boss Monica, who eats Steph for breakfast, Steph for lunch and, once again, Steph for dinner. Monica detests Steph’s ideas so much that she had to entrust an exquisitely important project to – drum roll please! – Steph! At this point, my neck wasn't moving sideways, but spinning Linda Blair 360 degrees. Why hand over a special account to the underling who constantly drew your ire? The math here just doesn't add up. But then how would Sarah and Coco (aka Anton Bugayon) meet again if we don’t overlook this unbelievable lapse of judgement and turn of events?

Turns out, Steph is still sporting a heartache, and Anton is likewise carrying a torch for Steph. Between our star-crossed lovers is a tall and statuesque, Prada-toting Monica, replete with her middle-aged lateral canthal crow’s feet. What to do?

MISMATCHED

In 2010, Sarah Geronimo and Coco Martin starred in “Idol”, a Glee-inspired TV series that didn’t fly. In fact this was unceremoniously shut down way before it’s supposed to. Even Sarah’s million-and-counting Popsters were so bored with it, they kept their distance. Writing was middling and painfully derivative, but more than that, there was no real and palpable chemistry between the two stars. What changed 4 years later? Nothing. Their pairing is as tepid now as it once was. You would think they’d learn from the TV debacle, right?

If Sarah and Coco are a match made in purgatory, Ruffa Gutierrez’s presence is a behemoth mystery. Think Bermuda Triangle, or the Stonehenge, or (ready with those lightning-catchers!!!) Kris Aquino shamelessly proclaiming herself as the Oprah Winfrey of the Philippines. Gutierrez is simply too superannuated to complete the romantic triangle of an already belabored screen pairing. And if she were a tad intuitive as an actress, she could have helped sweeten the already murky cinematic palette. But Ruffa is a Gutierrez and what have we realized about the Gutierrezes as far as thespic quotient is concerned?

That an advertising firm is suddenly tasked to turn a sorely lisping new millionaire into a socially copacetic restaurateur is one for the fairy tales. Isn't owning P40 million socially fragrant enough? They could have invested on a speech coach who could doctor the sibilant-heavy script, couldn't they? Aga Muhlach lisps but we were never aggrieved by his deliveries in movies. Coco meanwhile struggles, and these awkward moments pile up like a dozen crucifixes on our shoulder. Oh how I suffered.

WORLD RECORD OF WORSTS

The bigger question is, why was everyone in “Maybe This Time” ridiculously bad, it almost felt like it was vying for a world record of worst performances in a single movie. Steph’s trio of friends were ill-conceived. They were fugly, a fabricated gay man and an idiotic looking lass who consistently looked befuddled. Ogie Diaz as Mama Mae was more eccentric than funny you simply wanted him rushed to the loony bin. Even Shamaine Centenera – in her worst performance ever - is dragged down by a vomit-inducing script fit for GMA Films, not a Star Cinema vehicle. It’s just embarrassing! 

GREED AND THE PINOY ARTIST

Now, which self-respecting “artist” would allow his narrative dredged with product placements? Only the greedy ones – Sharon Cuneta and Mark Meilly did this with “Crying Ladies”; Sarah Geronimo did the same with “Hating Kapatid”; Kris Aquino sprinkled that cinematic garbage called “My Little Bossings” with 20 products; now it’s Coco Martin’s turn – a pawnshop, an over-the-counter analgesic, an alcoholic beverage. If you are conscientious of the products you are endorsing, why would you endorse a business which takes advantage of the miseries of people in dire need of financial support? The pawning business is largely unregulated, thus it has unfair practices that prey on people’s desperation. Saying that it provides beneficent service to the needy is akin to proclaiming that Dracula loves his victims. ;) Sarah and Coco lovingly endorse this business. How inspiring, debah?

Product placements in a medium where people pay hard-earned money to watch and be entertained is simply a disrespectful and reprobate practice to a paying audience. Pambabastos. This is something Viva Films and Kris Aquino have yet to realize, but then the latter lives in the cloud of fantasy she wouldn't even comprehend the simple concept of delicadeza. There should be a law that would require local movies to have disclaimers outside the cinema stating how many "commercial products" are being peddled in the film. Say, "My Little Bossings" - 20 products; "Hating Kapatid" - 9 products, etc. This way, the movie going public will be made aware of such flagrant and abusive peddling. Enter at your own risk. Think Chito Rono's "Feng Shui" if it had shampoos, cooking broth, laundry products, fastfood chain, sanitary napkin, etc. in its story. Pakapalan na lang ng mukha, right Sarah?

Sometime in the film’s last third, the narrative downspirals into a mawkish melodrama. To tie the narrative pieces to an undeserved denouement, Steph enters an exhibition hall riddled with driftwood art pieces. What struck me were the droll, mediocre driftwood displays. Oh my goodness. No wonder Monica wanted to do away with Anton’s lofty ambitions. Weren't we supposed to be impressed? With such abominable driftwood displays, not by a long shot. I wouldn't take a single piece at home even if they gave them away for free.The point being, the story was supposed to show Anton's special skills in making precious pieces from driftwood. Turns out he was an unexceptional artist. Ho-hum! Back to the drawing board. He can't be an artist so he might as well be a restaurant owner. Get my drift?

We’re so glad that “Maleficent” had a bigger crowd when we watched both films on their opening day, considering that Jolie’s superlative film was screened in two cinemas and “Maybe This Time” only had one. Cinema Evaluations Board once again misrates the movie with a stupendous B rating. We’re not surprised. The people who populate the C.E.B. are the some of the most clueless, or opportunistic, individuals to have walked the earth. In this case, “B” could refer to that six-letter Tagalog word that means “waste, debris, rubble, trash, sweepingssssssssss”. And just maybe Sarah can elocute these enumerated words adequately.

"Maybe This Time" is like going to a buffet and coming home with steady bout of flatus. You pay much and are rewarded with nothing but air. Anyone who declares that it's a "solid movie" does not know what he's talking about, that's for sure.

Laughing all the way to the bank with a cinematic turd.

The Mommy Returns - Horrible Creatures

Ruby and William Martirez (Pokwang and Gabby Concepcion) are celebrating their 25^th wedding anniversary with a plush party. While fixing themselves up, Ruby gets fatally electrocuted. She dies instantaneously leaving her three children - Amy (Kiray Celis), Toffi (Gerald Pesalga) and Saf (Jillian Ward) – under William’s care. But the decorous and successful dad harbors a secret that requires urgent action. He has been diagnosed with Prostatic Cancer! And he dreads leaving his children as orphans.

At the wake, William serendipitously meets commercial model Catherine (Ruffa Gutierrez) who’s had a crush on him since she was a little girl. Two weeks after Ruby’s burial, William proposes. Without much fanfare, they get married. The children ardently oppose and show their displeasure by making life a living hell for the amicable madrasta.

Meanwhile, Ruby finds herself at the gates of heaven where she meets Jorga (John Lapus), the caretaker of Purgatory, where Ruby awaits judgment. As fate would have it, Ruby manages to escape Purgatory and goes back to Earth to settle some unfinished business with her family. In fact, she wants to free her family from the clutches of Catherine who, to her, is a repugnant character. She has to be eliminated or her family might suffer.

While patiently trying to win over the children’s good graces, Catherine tries hard but never quite succeeds: she’s eternally running late; buys the wrong stuff at the grocery, finds her culinary specialty peppered with live mice. Everything goes awry and she senses this has something to do with the dead wife whose face is emblazoned all over the house, sneeringly looking down her way. Moreover, she experiences vivid dreams of a hand-to-hand combat against a cantankerous Ruby. What’s a new wife to do?

With the children brazenly denouncing her presence, would she ultimately give up the domestic ruckus? Is William really dying? More importantly, will Ruby ever succeed with her mission to get rid of Catherine? Will Ruby find her way back to the netherworld where San Pedro waits for his pet chicken Manny inadvertently taken along Ruby’s journey?

The story’s gist is impudently derived from the TV series “100 Days to Heaven”, without even mentioning Vic Sotto’s “Pak! Pak! My Doctor Kwak” which had an almost similar theme. But Director Joel Lamangan populates his cinematic palette with the most horrible excuse of human beings. There’s the dying father who’s rushing his matrimonial plunge so someone could take care of his children when he croaks (isn’t deception horrible?) There’s the new stepmother who dubiously agrees to marry her beau less than two weeks after their serendipitous meeting (why was she that desperate to tie the knot?) There’s the greedy in-law (Gloria Diaz as Mabel Diaz Laurel, a society matron who has fallen on hard times) who’s ecstatic over Catherine’s marriage to William as it would allow her to pay off all her accumulating debts (aren’t we the opportunistic in-law?) There are the meanest children who would do everything to embarrass and plague their stepmom with cussed accusations and disparaging remarks. Is this the accurate picture of modern youth? Rude, disrespectful and vicious? When you have kids like these, why would you want to be a mom? I shudder at the thought.

You wouldn’t be too surprised about the children’s demeanor. After all, apples (rotten ones) don’t fall too far from the tree, and their mother Ruby exemplifies the worse of them all. She wasn’t merely distrustful when she was still alive (she was a jeweler). As a wandering ghost, she’s consumed by a blind initiative to wreck havoc on the life of Catherine. Why would she want that on a girl fortuitously named Catherine (wink, wink)? If she really cared about her kids, would she prefer them fatherless as well if indeed William dies from cancer? Or is she clueless about his ailment? Don’t ghosts acquire a little more wisdom after passing over? Sometimes, there are tenets of common sense that aren’t easily overlooked. And overlook these, they did!

But wait. I am not quite done yet. Even Inday, the nanny (Moi Marcampo) is duplicitous; Rodel, the ex-boyfriend (Ervic Vijandre) is a scornful ex-convict. Heck, even Senior San Pedro’s assistant, the effete Jorga (Lapus), is a horned out fag lusting after construction workers. Where do we find decent human beings in this Lamangan macrocosm?

The film concludes with one of cinema's most ridiculously abrupt and petty resolutions. I had to pinch myself to realize that all the problems have been concluded by a horrid gown. ;) In fact, if delivering a gown was all it took to patch a domestic squabble, then we should all deliver gowns to find our happily ever after.

Sapphire, Topaz and Amethyst

Children burst with merriment when they learned that Catherine was leaving the house.

Joel Lamangan, once reviled by critics, hasn’t done a mainstream commercial film in a while so I was (well, not exactly looking forward but) expecting a work that’s middle of the road. After all, the director’s experience should teach him proficiency is some aspects of the film making process. Or has it? “The Mommy Returns” conspicuously underscores Lamangan’s fall into mediocrity and highlights all of his weaknesses. In fact, he has never done a movie this bad, he might as well farm camote on the hills of Alitagtag than do another film of this caliber. 

Pokwang, in her second lead role this year (she opened the film year with "A Mother's Story"), keeps the movie afloat, but doesn’t really transcend anything more than a perfunctory conduct to fulfill a banal character written on “bursts of ideas” (scriptwriter Ricky Lee recently explained on television about Mother Lily’s acumen to mine stories: “She has bursts of ideas that we freely develop into full stories.”) The enthusiastic comedienne once again parades her bevy of circus-styled costumes that puts Cirque du Soleil to shame! I was half expecting a trapeze swinging her way. You know, like a burst of inspiration, debah?

Gabby Concepcion and Ruffa Gutierrez have been around the business for so long. But it’s amazing how they have evolved into hammy performers. Gabby, for example, walks around with episodic emotions. He is dying, yet you never fully understand why you don’t feel the grief. There is no emotional baggage to speak of. Isn't this pertinent since you recently lost your wife? And that you’re dying from prostatic cancer? A scene has him knocking on his effete son Toffi’s room after getting the sad news from his doctor. With shoulders hunched down, Gabby should be almost inconsolable, right? Well, not really. He succeeded to look tired instead. Not grieving. Concepcion seems to live in the past, say circa 1989 when he was doing “Gorio and Tekla” with Maricel Soriano, or “Rosa Mistica” with Snooky Serna. Nothing much has changed. Even his looks has stagnated into delectable youth and unfortunately, bland demeanor.

Gabby Concepcion

Ruffa Gutierrez, on the other hand, can’t seem to drop her beauty queen schtick so she walks around with an imaginary crown on her head - and a throne pasted at her backside. You don’t quite find the character in her. What you feel instead is someone languishing on glory that’s so 1993 (when she won Miss World 2^nd runner-up) – and that’s almost 20 years ago! Moreover, she doesn’t mirror the deportment of a 37 year old lady who has attained character. She wallows in a perceived glorious past. She was a better actress in 1993 when she did Joey Romero’s “Maricris Sioson: Japayuki”. Isn’t this sad? What is so wrong with a clan that has grown around the performing industry yet each member is as bland as the next sibling? Grabeh!

Kiray Celis is a funny presence because she takes her role to heart as Gabby’s obstinate daughter. She’s even funnier when she stands beside Hiro Magalona (who’s playing her suitor and confidant). The humor rests on her straight forward depiction, taking on something comic for dramatic. When Ruffa, as the stepmom, gifts her with a puppy, she shrieks: “Isauli mo na yan…beach!” Of course she meant “bitch”. She repeats to emphasize, “Di ba babaeng aso is beach?” Good heavens. Now let's practice elocution, children: "Beach! Beeeech!" "Bitch! betch" 'Betcha by golly wow"! "Life is a beach, bitch!" Now isn't that fun?

Finally, one of my sources of annoyances is the casting of Moi Marcampo (Piolo Pascual’s ex- girl Friday and former Survivor castaway) as the family’s nanny Inday. Instead of wearing a yaya’s frock, she traipses around with earrings the size of a gong, 3-inch shoes, designer outfit, cringe-worthy backless blouses and a cosmopolitan coif as though she was walking the runway even when merely serving juice. I get the intention that her character is rooting for. Unfortunately Marcampo is so raw and discombobulated where her acting acumen is concerned. Simple sentences are met with consumate distress. She can't even scoff properly. She ultimately ends up looking like a displaced street walker in desperate need of a customer. Whoever gave her this delusion that she should get into films deserves to be tied down the stakes and tickled for 12 straight hours until he pees in his knickers! Marcampo was given lines to accentuate her supposed hip presence, but she stalls in monotone and incomprehension. When she finds a stray chicken in a room, she painfully exhorts: “There’s a big cock in the kitchen!” There should be laughter. Instead, a cold shiver ran down my spine. Something gargantuan hit her in the face. Inexperience. The agonizing kind.     

Ruffa Gutierrez and Pokwang

Kiray Celis' amusing presence. Below are some of her enviable encounter with  the boys.

It's in the attitude: Kiray with Gerald Anderson, Sam Concepcion, Daniel Padilla, Markky Stroem and Inigo Pascual (Papa Piolo's son).

Kiray with Enchong Dee. I'd trade places with Kiray's right hand. Haha. Can I grope the rectus abdominis too? :;) 

Kiray with Aldred Gatchalian.

Hiro Magalona plays Kiray's suitor and confidant.

Moi Marcampo: Clueless! (left)

Ervic Vijandre plays Rodel, Catherine's ex-boyfriend.

Working Girls 2010 - A Dizzying Parade of Little Women Stories

Thirty minutes into Jose Javier Reyes' updated version of the 80's Ishmael Bernal classic, "Working Girls", you find yourself catching your breath and tuning your senses to accommodate its myriad of characters. In fact, enumerating all the characters here for its synopsis is already a daunting task in itself. So I won't even try.

For some people, "Working Girls" is an emotional nostalgia - seeing the returning original cast in various side stories: Gina Pareno, Rio Locsin, the still-hilarious Carmi Martin, but where's Hilda Koronel?

Eugene Domingo fills her character Paula with her usual comedic schtick, and for the most part, she pulls this off with wanton verve. Her manic energy tends to go overboard at times, but this is pretty forgivable as she invariably takes you on intermittent laughing spells! Ruffa Gutierrez plays her Marilou Cobarrubias with the endearing modesty of a seemingly brain-dead ex-beauty queen. Gone are her annoying kolehiyala posturings (it's about time) evident in her previous works ("My Monster Mom" and "Desperadas"). She actually reveals moments of Anna Faris-brilliance in her small scenes (one was while reading the "annual report" of the company she acquired from her dead husband).

There are stark references to pop figures: Eula Valdez's Dr. Cleo Carillo is obviously patterned after Dr. Vicky Bello; Jackie Lou Blanco's Head of News and Current Affairs is ABS-CBN's tough chick, Maria Ressa; Mylene Dizon's acid queen-cum-TV host Connie Valderama is Korina Sanchez; Rafael Rossel's Atty. Rodney Camacho is a loose characterization of cute lawyer Adel Tamano (though I'm not aware of his clandestine womanizing activities); Jennilyn Mercado's single mother-cum-call center agent is culled after, well, Jennilyn Mercado minus her loopy moments as Jennilyn Mercado. LOL

Bianca King's Berkeley-bred Dara de la Vega storyline is a tad too predictable but the pretty Miss King does her struggling journalist well! And finally, Cristine Reyes is luminous as the bed-hopping model Wendy. It's a tailor-made role that perfectly suits her. One of the high points of this dizzying array of little stories is the bittersweet chapter on Paula's (Eugene Domingo) love triangle with her lazy husband Bobby (Antonio Aquitania) and car-for-rent guy Nelson (the amiable Ricky Davao). Several cameos include: Cherie Gil, Maria Isabel Lopez (as a Liza Maza-styled activist); Katya Santos as Wendy's girl friend; Andrea del Rosario as a bitchy news producer. There's Joel Lamangan, Biboy Ramirez, and Carlo Aquino too.

Finally, there is Iza Calzado who's once again brilliant as heartbroken nurse Teresa, although her scene with a cancer-stricken patient (the wife of her former boyfriend - played by Jao Mapa; the same boyfriend who dropped her like a hot potato) is a tad too sappy and malamya for my taste! In fact, the movie sags every time their portion plays.

Director Jose Javier Reyes has been doing these omnibus projects and he almost never meanders into mediocrity - except for "My Monster Mom" which was horrible. His last 2 projects - "Status Single" and "One Night Only" - had numerous characters that focused on the plight of contemporary women. Though "Working Girls 2010" is a bit too random and unfocused (too much stories to really invest your empathy), it still manages to draw insight (though a bit superficial) and entertainment from its audience.