Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Worst Films of 2010

It's been an economically difficult year for the Filipinos, but we constantly turn to the movies to somehow forget, but for a few hours, each of our strife. Movie watching used to be the Pinoy's cheapest form of entertainment, but that trend has changed. Are we even surprised a big percentage has turned to patronizing movie piracy? We do not condone this behavior. In fact, we get to watch most of these local movies in cinemas.

A movie ticket these days costs P150-180, depending on where you watch. This isn't a "cheap" hobby since money doesn't grow on trees. The money we spend on our films are borne out of hard work. Thus when we are served thoughtless, elementary flicks, we deem it a personal affront against our finances, not to mention sanity. If we're given something rotten for our money, we will rightfully declare it rotten. This is, after all, consumer rights!

We initially thought of doing away with our list of worst films and performances to start 2011 on a more positive note, but we realized this isn't fair! We have slaved over so much garbage last year that we feel we deserve to be able to list down the flicks that challenged our stamina, and absolutely wasted our time and money! From the 73 local flicks shown commercially (from January 1 to December 31, 2010), we found it easy to fill a Top 30 list. The state of the Philippine Movies is that bad! But for the sake of brevity, we have to narrow it down to a Top 10.

We would have easily included Crisaldo Pablo's "Mga Pinakamahabang One Night Stand 2" - which is "beyond awful" - but that film was basically a student project that amazingly found its way in commercial cinemas, thus our decision to exclude it from the list. Make no mistake, Crisaldo Pablo's trilogy of mediocrity could easily take the "crown" had it not been borne out of the director's conceit to field something that belongs in the hidden film archives of an exceedingly bad film school.


Here is 2010's Worst Movies: (in random order)


1. Pilantik (Argel Joseph)



An abused child turns into cross-dressing serial killer who attacks couples at the throes of orgasm. See Jao Mapa give Mon Confiado lip service.



2. Sanib 2 - 666 (Celso Ad. Castillo)




Possession and producer Honey Blanca's cleavage and high heels populate this abomination about a homecoming that goes awry. Jacklyn Jose gets badly dubbed. Didn't we advocate its lead star getting sent to Zambia? Or was it Zimbabwe?



3. D' Survivors (Adolf Alix, Jr.)



With so much eye candies populating this movie, the director forgot to tell a worthy story. There was humor somewhere, but we're supposed to excavate it from under the sands.




4. Tsardyer (Siegfried Barros Sanchez)




A myopic take on Ces Drillon's kidnapping saga, this elementary effort takes the cake on how to make music videos, errr...

See veteran actors like Neil Ryan Sese, Dimples Romana, Shamaine Centenera in the worst performances of their career. Listen to some of the most execrable songs ever played on the big screen while the bad guys accentuate "dagger looks" in their most livid glory!



5. Fidel (Mark Shandii Bacolod)



Considered as a "landmark film" by its own director, "Fidel" is lost in Bacolod's cloud of narcissism. In fact, in his 2nd flick "Ben & Sam" (shown 2 months after "Fidel" opened in theaters), he specifically used "Fidel" a representative of a superior film that champions the "troot". See Jon Hall as an arab who sodomized Lance Raymundo. See Andrea del Rosario pretend to be a concerned journalist. See Ma. Isabel Lopez cry her crocodile tears for the muted Fidel. See Snooky Serna as Snooky Serna!




6. Mahilig (Nico Salvador)

Gen. Caisip and Asec Rommel Garcia make stony anti-drug cameos in a film that weaves the stories of a drug addicted wife (Thea Alvarez she gets to shower several times, and shag her hubby Mon Lacsamana before they part ways) and an obedient son (Carlo Aquino, who gets lured into vices by Onemig Bondoc.) As we've said it before, it's one thing to advocate anti-drug sentiments, but when you're endorsing it within a salacious softcore film, any assumptions of good intent is lost!



7. SpEd Hearts (Felbert Go)




A somnabulist's delight, Ciara Sotto, who plays a Special Ed teacher, looks dazed all through out the film - whether she's arguing with her father or teaching in front of her wards. Her best scene? She turns her back from the audience as the credits start rolling. Meanwhile, Chamyto Aguedan's 6 children were shocked to find their father to be a flaming flower! No wonder the kids need "specialized education".



8. Santuaryo (Monti Parungao)



Shipwrecked on an island, albeit with a functional boat (carrying survival items like porn magazines), able bodied boys frolic in skimpy briefs in search of a treasure that turned out to be - whaddayaknow! - a nature park! Hear a smart boy asking his friend about a "blowjob" - "sinong top? sinong bottom?" Huh? See a paraplegic magically walk - for the sake of love! Wheee...




9. Pagnanasa (Fellyx Honeyfield)

Marco Morales snags Charles Delgado into his slimy web of libidinous lifestyle, but why can't he get it "up" when with him? "Lukso ng dugo" plays out ridiculously in this tale of brotherly love - in Pink Film fashion!


10. Ang Babae Sa Sementeryo (Neal Tan)



Neal Tan takes the tale of an itinerant soul and deconstructs it into this pseudo-social commentary that occurs in a cemetery being used as a prostitution den. Meanwhile, a new chief of police is investigating a series of murders around town. Then there are flickering images of ghosts, a flesh-eating child with telepathic powers, a bumbling duo of videographers and Tommy Abuel doing a Shakespeare soliloquy! I've always thought of Neal Tan as a desultory story teller, but he was never this narratively muddled!




2 comments:

juan said...

wow! san ba napapanood ang mga to? lumalakas ang industriya ng B - Movies sa Pilipinas! Bad Movies!

Cathy P. said...

Juan,

Haha! I like that! B-movies for "bad"!

They're in your local cinemas all year-round! And you wonder why most Pinoys prefer the Hollywood fares. These 10 titles provide a valid reason why Pinoys these days don't even bother with Tagalog films anymore!

:->