Paul Singh Cudail's Ang Jowa - Vicious Cycle

Don and Orlando (Zander Olivarez and Miguel Alcantara respectively) share a lot of things: a home and a job at the bank. They also share a bed. One thing they don’t share is Annie (Jessica Ruiz), Don’s girl friend of several years. But Orlando doesn’t know about her. What’s worse, Don intends to leave Orlando to start a family with Annie. When he finally does, Don is inconsolable. However, life with Annie is tough. After all, Don resigned from his job – and Annie is eternally unemployed. With bills piling up and rent’s long overdue, Don turns to Orlando who’s only too willing to lend a hand in exchange for sexual favors. While Orlando has pretty much acquiesced to a shared relationship, Annie is kept in the dark. The latter, in fact, is getting suspicious about her husband’s hushed calls and clipped replies. Where does Don get their rent money? Where does her “husband” spend his overnight soirees? 

As it comes to pass, Orlando starts demanding more attention from Don who jumps from one concupiscent bed to the next. What’s a guy to do? In fact, does he have enough stamina for his two lovers? And if this dilemma wasn’t enough, Don further harbors intermittent sexual thrills with Betty (Adriana Gomez), Orlando’s childhood friend – who frequently visits him.  Plot thickens when Betty inadvertently gets pregnant. But all hell breaks loose when Annie discovers Don’s relationship with Orlando. On the other side of this sexual chain is Betty who doesn’t know that Orlando has hatched plans to adopt the child once she gives birth. Meanwhile, “wife” Annie has decided to walk out of Don. Will Orlando get the child that shall “seal” his coupling with Don? What happens to Betty?  

Orlando (Miguel Alcantara, right) espouses about contractual relationships to lover Don (Zander Olivarez, left).

More than ever, director Paul Singh Cudail shows that his ineptitude towards a narrative craft knows no boundaries. And he valiantly succeeds outdoing this exquisite “talent”. To process a scene, for example, he keeps harping at a redundant situation that repeats like a broken record – those darn miscalls and hushed phone conversations that are too loud to ignore. Thus, this becomes an oft-repeated source of altercation among the characters: Orlando decries these calls, so does Annie. They occur in every location of their limited scenography: living room, stairs, bedroom, which kinda reminds me of Zig Dulay’s “Huling Halik” where constant phone calls become a nauseating source of tension between protagonists. At some point, these get hilarious and you end up, slapping your thigh with an ebullient “Na naman…? (Again)” Though it should underline the artistic limitations of Cudail who writes his scripts, it’s just one piece of this baffling, albeit shoddy puzzle.

Logic is impugned in several persuasions. When a couple starts planning their lives together, they usually consider the economics that go it. In Cudail’s “Ang Jowa”, they bury their heads in the sand. Don resigns from his job at the bank to join Annie who couldn’t find work. As if that wasn’t enough, Don also leaves his benefactor – the one who supplies all the dough. Hasn’t it crossed his dimwitty cerebrum that money is needed to pay the rent; feed another person; buy soap and toothpaste? When Annie finds out about her husband’s homosexual affair, Orlando tries to convince Annie with an asinine, “Dapat nga matuwa ka kasi ako ang kahati mo, hindi babae.” In my rule book, anyone who shares the affection and engages in sexual calisthenics with my boyfriend/husband is a competitor, thus needs to be annihilated! Relationships and emotional proprietorship have boundaries of their own. In fact, biting on another person’s apple is forbidden.

SPOILERS

As one of the purveyors of the “Moron Cinema” (cheap productions shot in a few days; poorly conceived narratives; domestic settings usually set within the confines of a house), Cudail makes a fallacy out of the aphorism that goes “experience is the best teacher”. How many films has Cudail completed within the last two years or so? Yet you hear lines dictated to his actors. At a dinner table, you hear someone order his cast, “O kumain na kayo!” When there’s food in front of you, you don’t need twats dictating such mundane instructions, do you? You munch, you chew, you masticate – then you throw your make-believe lines. In another protracted scene, you find Annie waiting for Don, and this gets intercut with Don and Orlando sharing fervid copulation. But this isn’t even the issue, what drives you mad is how these scenes are repeated half a dozen times to stretch its running time. I could have pinched the singit of its editor for failing to do his job well, as he allows Annie to wait for Godot.

Don (Zander Olivarez) and Annie (Jessica Ruiz) post-coitus: That darn cell phone!

When Don and Orlando hear about pregnant Betty’s death (she slipped and bled to death), the camera pans at the couple and we find “no discernable emotional reaction” emanating from Don, Betty’s lover and the father of the child. For Don, it was just quotidian dispatch. No need for grief, astonishment or dismay. How’s that for emotional investment? This takes me to its lead – Zander Olivarez. He is stocky, and on cursory glance, looks muscle-bound. Aside from the obvious extra pound of muscle, Zander doesn’t have much emotive skill. In fact, he coasts with a single expression. His moment of inspiration comes when he is made to scuffle in bed with his partners, and he isn’t shy judiciously showing off his backside. He slouches when he should be sitting comfortably, occasionally flexing his arms to bulk up his biceps, triceps, brachialis and even his deltoids. If fact, his muscles could run a gamut of emotional discourse more than Zander himself.

Miguel Alcantara, a protégé of the current queen of mediocre cinema G.A. Villafuerte, tries his luck with real drama. Unfortunately, he doesn’t succeed either. You could see that he tries hard, but for now, this doesn’t suffice. And I couldn’t even bequeath an “A for effort”. Though his conveyance is palpable, he looks like he’s in pain. Not emotionally; more like from toothache or that pulsating pustule inside the nose. “Anong akala mo sa relationship natin, contractual?” He would vividly dispatch with flaring nostrils. The good news? Alcantara registers well on screen, and when he’s earnest enough with his craft, there should be a huge window for improvement.

The ladies are mostly forgettable. They either display bland affect or an irritating display of waylaid theatrics, like when Jessica Ruiz (who sometimes shares an uncanny resemblance with Vice Ganda) cries and all of her facial contortions don’t amount to much. In a scene involving Sally Grefaldo, a character named Tita Lily (the bearer of the bad news regarding Betty’s demise), you find this wrinkly lady cry her hearts out. The camera closely pans to her contorted face. She huffs and haws; she makes singhot, and makes garalgal her voice – yet in her abstruse heartache and convoluted affliction, she isn’t able to shed a single tear! It always bothers me to see someone cry – without tears! Maybe Tita Lily has lachrymal obstruction? Let’s rush her to the eye surgeon for a dacryocystorhinostomy - fast!

The sex scenes are few and far between, and if it's what you're after, you would then have to bury yourself in a bed of frustration. The men mostly show their backsides while the ladies pop out their nipples - perfect for a night of red wine and a generous dash of patience.

Despite these rebarbative situations, you hardly feel the compulsion to care. You’re made acutely aware that the emotional width and breadth of Cudail’s little story spans the four corners of his little rooms, and thus are ill-equipped to expand to the realm of insight. I would suggest a more productive career. Maybe he has green thumbs; farming or gardening could be a better option? Or maybe he can grow camote better than he can assemble a cinematic narrative? Surely, there must be something he could do better than direct films.

Don and Annie: There was never a mention of a wedding, yet they refer to each other as husband and wife.

Don (Zander Olivarez) canoodles with Betty (Adriana Gomez) 

Zander Olivarez postures with a slouch.

Olivarez: Whos' the muscle man? :)

Miguel Alcantara as loan officer Orlando

Adriana Gomez as Betty, Orlando's childhood friend. Gomez looks lost in "Ang Jowa".

G.A. Villafuerte's Kapa - Grappling in the Dark

Glenn and Ronald (Miguel Alcantara and Marco Ronquillo) are best friends. While both seem to harbor feelings for each other, Glenn conceals his affection for his visually impaired friend, fearing he might lose him if he told him of his feelings. So Glenn offers Ronald occasional glimpses of happiness by setting up dates with different men, like the mild mannered Gary (Karl Matthew Garcia). Meanwhile, Glenn indulges in coupling with several men: the impulsive Drolan (Whacky Seon) and the amorous Ceejay (Kristian Marquez) with whom Glenn seems to find a more stable relationship.

Ronald, on the other hand, keeps pining for Glenn who jumps from one concupiscent bed to another. Blinded by an accident, Ronald is affectionately kept company by his brother Russel (Darwin Taylo) and his Lola Rosa (Rosemarie Ibarrita). Russel has issues of his own. He’s conflicted by the attention showered on him by Jethro (Alvin Duckert) who doesn’t hide his attraction to the wistful Russel. But something bothers Russel about Jethro which the latter solves by cleaning up his gothic image.

One day, Glenn takes Ronald out for another “blind” date set up by Ceejay. Ronald is left under the care of good looking Aljer (Xyrus Arruejo) who turns out to be the date from hell. Aljer in fact wants money and when Ronald refuses, he pummels the blind man until he’s black and blue. All hell breaks loose, of course, and Glenn gets blamed for putting Ronald’s life in peril. Glenn, meanwhile, breaks up with Ceejay for setting up the date with the devil. What becomes of Glenn and Ronald’s friendship? Will Darwin even find happiness in Jethro’s warm embrace? More importantly, will the ubiquitous loafer Sarah (Adriana Gomez) ever find another micromini to wear? Heavens, what dilemma!

Glenn and Ronald are best friends.

Russel and Jethro are also attracted with each other.

Director GA Villafuerte concocts a world that barely mirrors any hint of reality. Every darn character is a homosexual. Everyone sleeps around, even the blind! Villafuerte seems to be wallowing in his detached world of despicable characters. This director’s means of building up characters usually end up with several rigodon of bodies humping away without much passion. To be honest, it is not easy to follow any of his characters because they are defined merely by their propensity to sleep around with other ill-defined characters. This is what makes films like this hard to document. The characters are interchangeable. In fact there's nothing much in character development except that they are all horny as hell.

The performances here leave much to be desired. Miguel Alcantara depicts his role with cardboard characterization and his depiction of a garish gay man is nothing short of cringe-worthy. Marco Ronquillo, in his cinematic debut, appears stiff, making viable excuse out of his blind character. In fact, you don’t find any expression on his face, except the element of being completely emotionally dispossessed. More importantly, isn’t Ronquillo, who’s too droll to be a cinema hunk, too old to be a movie newbie?

While we like Alvin Duckert and find him “artistahin”, he has been compromised by his over enthusiasm (“Lihim ng mga Nympha”, “Butas 2”). Darwin Taylo, on the other hand, has to lighten up. He is too serious for his own sake. This is the wrong vehicle for the introspective tack. Far from it, actually. Karl Matthew Garcia shows promise although this may appear to be so because he wasn’t really given much to munch. Xyrus Arruejo looks good on screen. He was substantially sinister in his scenes. My two cents worth believes that Villafuerte, like the exploitative film maker that he is, is priming Arruejo for “bigger” things. In fact, something must be in the works to get Arruejo out of his briefs in Villafuerte’s next films. Well, there’s “Hardinero” awaiting commercial release. Wanna bet? J

Now let’s get to the sex scenes. Most of them occur within a song (one full musical strain is played) and they are shown rubbing against each other’s naked bodies before eventually expiring into droll resolution. I have in fact never seen such apathetic sexual coupling.

The script is a messy excuse of a cinematic drivel. We find Russel apologizing every time he meets Jethro and we wonder why. He avoids Jethro like the plague but when the latter cleans up himself, Russel suddenly accommodates Jethro. Such is love, debah? Pag di na mukhang nangangamoy, tanggapin na. Haha. In another scene, Russel refuses to hold Jethro’s hand, but gamely makes out – in public! So much for discretion.

When Ronald is left alone with the impatient Aljer, the latter turns off the lights. Did he forget that he was with a blind man? When Ronald refused to touch him, he went berserk: “Hindi ako nagpunta dito para babuyin!” But was he harassed? In fact he wanted to be taken advantage of. After recuperating from the mauling incident, we’re suddenly ushered in a scene that has Ronald removing eye bandage. Are we missing a narrative strain? When did he get the eye operation? Ophthalmological surgeons and corneal specialists never do their post-operative follow ups in a patient’s home! They require the use of slit lamps and indirect ophthalmoscopy for this! Moreover, corneal transplants for both eyes are never done in a single schedule! Villafuerte’s laziness and cluelessness really show in these simple scenes.

“Kapa” is further hobbled by an uneven sound and the film maker’s utter neglect to room tone, thus in several scenes, you could hardly hear any part of the conversation – like when Russel met Jethro at a restaurant beside a Tagaytay road. Now tell me, how does one expect a legible story to unravel when they aren't even intelligible? Villafuerte doesn’t care. All he’s after are the intermittent peekaboos of his actors’ peckers. Yet his film’s posters call this “a new masterpiece”! Please excuse me while I vomit. 

The nerve, really!

Miguel Alcantara and Marco Ronquillo

Darwin Taylo and Kristian Marquez

Alvin Duckert: As enthusiastic in his performance as he is flashing his Eurasian jewels.

Whacky Seon: He seconds the motion re: flashing his Asian jewels. :)

Kart Matthew Garcia

Xyrus Arruejo plays the homophobe Aljer. Watch him flash HIS family jewels in his next GA Villafuerte film. :)

Masterpiece daw oh! LOL What is the world coming to! 

G.A. Villafuerte's Id'nal (Mapusok) - Fragments of Gibberish Confusion

It’s a roll call: Kenneth Jimenez, Glenn Katigbak, Kenjie Samonte, Bernard Osorio, Jacko Melendrez, Reggie Chua, Mark Samonte, et.al. These were just some of the names that populate the alternate universe of GA Villafuerte’s “Id’nal (Mapusok)”. Such thoughtful provision of complete names of characters would have you thinking that this was a scholarly dissertation about troubled relationships; a thoughtful traipse on infidelity - of epic proportion; with carefully limned characters in insightfully threshed out vignettes. But such attention to detail was sadly limited to these names – nothing more! They conveniently slept through most of the film making process, occasionally waking up for the belabored and passionless sex scenes.

“God-awful” – Now there’s a compound term that appropriately befits this cinematic vomitus!

Eirik Cruz and Anton Nolasco as lovers Kenneth Jimenez and Glenn Katigbak


Blink and you'll miss their resplendent cameos! Yet each of them have individual posters for "Id'nal". Any one who didn't get a poster was a joke? :)

CAPSULE

Kenneth (Eirik Cruz) is a college professor while Glenn (Anton Nolasco) is a med rep (a drug salesman). The two seemingly contrasting personalities nurture a relationship as they live together in absolute disharmony. While Glenn craves for Kenneth’s attention, Kenneth is dismissive and (though mild mannered and mostly conciliatory) never offers Glenn the time of the day – or night! This frustrates Glenn no end so he indulges his sexual impulses by mollycoddling with his masseur Jacko (TJ Morello) and a bevy of anonymous guys (even that guy who stopped him from jumping off a bridge, you better believe it). Kenneth, on the other hand, diligently tends to the needs of Kenjie (Orlando Sol) who’s eternally needy and indigent – kinda like what a sugar daddy does with his ward. Curiously, we don’t find any hint of romantic affection between Kenneth and Kenjie so why the clandestine rendezvous, or the you-and-me-against-mama scenario? This baffles.

Glenn gets exceedingly disheartened. Why isn’t he able to tinker Kenneth’s bells anymore? Is Kenneth getting tintinnabulated by others? Horrors! We ought to call the fireman and cool Glenn down, pronto! One day, Glenn catches Kenneth and Kenjie in tight embrace. The latter is in dire need of Kenneth’s boundless emotional appropriation: “Nag away na naman kami ni Nanay eh,” Kenjie laments, then they hug and caress each other’s trapezius muscles, not to mention that pulsating, if hypertrophied latissimus dorsi. Those darn tight, toned muscles that twitch involuntarily calm their emotional core, you know.

Upon seeing Kenneth and Kenjie snuggle, Glenn conflagrates like the spurned matron. “Ang kakapal talaga! Dito pa!” Glenn confronts the embracing couple and further adds, “Porke ba mas malaki ang titi nya kesa sa akin?” Ouch! I seriously felt sorry for Glenn. My eyes were beginning to well up! Oh heavens, help me! I didn’t know this was a 5-hanky flick! But if you've been observing Anton Nolasco’s sojourn into Pink Cinema, there’s tangible pictographic evidence (in a hundred and one shower scenes) that his appendageal attributes aren’t as modest as he makes us believe. Kenjie’s must then be a venomous cobra? Weeh!

Eirik Cruz and Anton Nolasco

Director GA Villafuerte is as confused – and pedestrian - as ever. His last film “Bahid” might as well be a masterpiece compared to this one. The story is a glorified series of narrative fragments; the strains don’t articulate in manner or form. The biggest question would be: Why do Kenneth and Glenn even bother staying together? They don’t have anything in common; they can’t converse like ordinary human beings; they don’t share even a meal together. Their coupling hails from a drugged out imagination. This might as well have a Shakespearean title: “Much Ado About Nothing”!

Eirik Cruz stars in his first cinematic salvo (His "Bunso" is yet to be screened commercially.) He surely satisfies the “artistahin” criteria unlike most Pink Film studs. He speaks well, be it English or the vernacular, but he mitigates his deliveries with careful, albeit studied elocution, giving a perception of naturalness. He succeeds in some; other times, he comes off like someone cajoling a mentally deficient individual. When he is finally given lines bearing emotional disquiet, this is where he struggles - painfully. His arms act up, flailing awkwardly to his sides and elsewhere, and his face contorts disturbingly. Noobs ought to be guided by insightful director, something that’s not in this production. Yes, Elvis has left the building! With experience and better projects, good looking Cruz just might turn out to be a reliable character actor.

Anton Nolasco, on the other hand, is scaling artistic hurdles of greater magnitude. The character of a wayward Glenn could have showcased his artistry. Unfortunately, like his director, Nolasco mistakes acting in the form of incessant frowns and interminable disgust. He’s eternally angry, even after coitus! You’d wish someone could give him a sedative so he relaxes a bit. What’s worse, when he finally confronts his lover, his effete tendencies flourish like the pink marmalades on a summery Sunday morning!

Mygz Molino (playing Kenneth’s brother Kyro) who’s prominently displayed and billed in the theatrical poster appears for 10 seconds or thereabout. Doing what? Texting and tinkering with his laptop. Then he fades into oblivion. Maybe he gets better exposure in an upcoming film called “Mestizo: A Beautiful Boy” where every guy looks grim and ashen faced; the Pinoy brothers of Edward Cullens. Maybe “Mestizo” is the Pink version of those blood suckers? Why then are they so pale? Iron deficiency anemia? Unless it isn’t blood they’re intent on sucking. J

Eirik Cruz

BEFUDDLING

There are several side stories that muddle the already befuddling narrative: there's Glenn's fractious "rape" by a gang of street urchins (ano yun?); Kenneth’s co-teacher Bernard (Miguel Alcantara) has daydreams (or was that a memory?) of him and Kenneth going at it. Meanwhile, one of his students make a surprising visit in school. Together, they paint the toilet err... “red”? Confused already? Don't worry! It's not you! It gets ridiculous because they could have discarded Bernard's character altogether, and it wouldn’t have made a difference. In fact, while we’re on the subject, they could have discarded THIS movie altogether too!

What’s more painful for the expectant crowd was the sanitized scenes. The production circulated the fact that this was rated X by the MTRCB. They were so proud of that! Meanwhile, the impressionable public expected genitalia galore! Did this segment of the pink public even understand what an X-rating meant? It bluntly meant that there could not be a commercial showing unless they get rid of penises! And to the half a dozen anonymous messages I received complaining about “Id’nal” – even before I reviewed it here – PLEASE direct your complaints to the production outfit! It is clear I am not in any way connected with them – heaven forbid!

Here's a funny thing about "Id'nal". In its desperate bid for promotion, they have made a hundred and one posters, utilizing every forgettable actor doing cameo in the film. Heck they even have a poster of Lloyd Khal Santos who played a doctor for 4 seconds; of Karl Tiuseco who portrayed as one of Kenneth's friends. It's too bad I wasn't in the flick or I'd have gotten my very own blushing theatrical poster! Darn!

While the story furtively seeks its conclusion, the film resorts to a “5 years later” tack. It shows Kenneth (who teaches “English proficiency” and “phonetics” – with mysterious mathematical equation and formulas written on his board – go figure!) looking the same and wearing exactly the same thick-rimmed glasses. Dorian Gray anyone? How well preserved he is, I was amazed. The camera pans to his class – and even the students in attendance were the very same faces who studied there 5 years ago! Will these students ever graduate? Or were they permanent fixtures from here to eternity? Hmmm. Maybe this was de javu? Maybe there’s English 101 in Medicine? Or Law? Or Rocket Science?

Anton Nolasco

Orlando Sol

G.A. Villafuerte's Bahid - Delusion of Appearance

Agatha Christie is the queen of whodunits. Though she's been dead for 35 years, her legacy lives on as she is survived by her bestselling novels and a play (“The Mousetrap”) that holds the record for the theatre’s longest initial run: it opened at the Ambassadors Theatre in London on November 25, 1952 and as of 2011 is still running after more than 24,000 performances. More than this record, she was known to have written nail-biting stories of murder surrounded by a milieu of suspense and a mastery on plotting and characterization. She presents a lineup of characters, seemingly normal and others eccentric, and then lets her audience/readers guess: who’s the killer?

G.A. Villafuerte’s “Bahid” subscribes to such artifice to tweak his Pink Film ouvre, albeit with grievously disappointing results.

When lovers Glen and Vivian (Lawrence Manalo and Honey Lopez respectively) visit her godfather in Pampanga, she didn’t except her ninong to have come out of the closet. They were grandiosely welcomed with open arms, but they have discovered in ninong a boisterous aristarch who nags and complains about everything. Michael has become Madam Michelle who is loud and detested by the people around him. In this “mansion”, we are introduced to a cadre of characters which includes a trio of gay friends (Kahlel Urdaneta, Rjames Villaran, Jay-r Alcaraz), a sexually ambivalent gardener Lando (Miguel Alcantara, who appears half naked most of his screen time), maids Clara, Rosario and Magda, the driver Mang Dante, and house custodian Nanay Lydia (Tart Carlos).

Plot thickens when people start disappearing. In fact, Madam Michelle is soon found murdered on his bed. Who has a motive to these crimes?

You start getting concerned with the intellectual capacity of these characters when, despite all the killings or disappearance, no one leaves the compound. What were they waiting exactly? We later find out, of course, when the story climaxes in a dark basement. The lost characters have been found: blindfolded and tied down, but not gagged. Otherwise, this would inhibit the staging of a rather rambunctious, annoying and ultimately noisy scene when the perpetrator finally meets the victims.

The film divides its focus between perfunctory couplings, really trite unimaginative bed scenes, involving our characters (and showcasing Miguel Alcantara’s enviable physique as he lures both men and women to his bed) and the whodunit chapter. Unfortunately, there isn’t much aptitude involved in the film making process, and the actors are left to their own devices, giving way to the annoying excesses of some actors, particularly the one playing Madam Michelle and, more importantly, Tart Carlos’ Nanay Lydia who deserves a crown for her histrionic turn. Yup, there’s the “nanlilisik ang mata” staple here; the harsh and heavy-handed delivery; the demented witch countenance, and the excruciating swagger of thespic desperation! This was her 10-seconds of fame. She might as well get noticed! LOL

And wait for an intriguing epilogue that would put the befuddling “Inception” or even DiCaprio's "Shutter Island" to shame!

Madam Michelle (center) chastises everyone: "Nasaan si Magda? Ba't hindi s'ya nagpapaalam. masakit na ang tumbong ko sa katatalak!"

Clueless policemen

The performances are cringe-worthy and stumped. They either sleepwalk, summon a monotonal delivery or appear perplexed (Reference #1: basement scene; Reference #2: When they found the missing cellphone at the driver’s quarters). I could swear that the driver has more intuition than all of the characters combined.

The production is also hobbled by inaudible delivery of lines that are mostly muddled by room tone: a dog that keeps barking, a nearby hammering, the frolic of children playing, a motorcycle passing by intermittently. These transient sounds were largely ignored as though they wouldn’t make it in the final cut; a testament to the film maker’s carelessness and indolence, or his discombobulation to the medium.

What’s the best thing about “Bahid”? Aside from finally leaving the cinema hall? The theatrical posters! There are a couple that would have you believe that this was a sophisticated production, and that people behind it knew what they were doing. See what the delusion of appearance imparts?

In a scene representative of its inattention to detail, a maid picks up a tray, looks at the camera like she sees the Holy Grail, and leaves with a nonchalant, “Iwan ko muna kayo riyan”. How can you resist such utter ingenuity?

Lawrence Manalo


Honey Lopez


Miguel Alcantara (above and below)





Rjames Villaran


Jay-r Alcaraz

Who do we crucify?