Darry dela Cruz's Malasado - Watered Down and Overeasy

Levi (AR de Castro) and Pete (Zander Cruz) are close friends. They’re supportive of each other’s needs. They even share a single bed in an apartment. Pete is particularly vulnerable. He’s desperately in love with Lorie (Adriana Gomez), the girl next door. He claims he’d do “anything” for the girl. But what he doesn't know is that his friend Levi and Lorie are already a couple. Levi is particularly disconcerted with the situation. But there’s more to this choleric situation than meets the eye. Levi is in fact harboring affection for Pete. Aren't we confused yet? J And he couldn't control this cantankerous proclivity.

One night, while Pete is heavily inebriated and stuporous, Levi gets the chance to have his way with Pete’s considerable bulges. As his friend sleeps, Levi’s hands – and tongue - wander where they shouldn't  Pete thought this was just a vivid wet dream involving Lorie. Meanwhile, Levi is remorseful – and drawn to his friend more than ever. After all, you can’t get enough of a good thing, debah?

Pete eventually learns of his friend’s attraction for him. As a favor to the accommodating Lorie, Pete agrees for a “romp on the hay” with friend Levi. This would put him in good stead with the schemy Lorie, right? But situation turns sour when Pete couldn't deal with what happened. One night, he smothers Levi in his sleep. What happens to lovestruck Levi? Would love or justice prevail?

Adriana Gomez

Director Darry dela Cruz’s “Malasado” presents ferociously anatomosing emotional entanglements which are tests of patience and sanity. But we do realize what he’s driving at. He desperately needs to show his male protagonists in various couplings. Come hell or high water, these protagonists need to get it on. Unfortunately, Director Dela Cruz and his scriptwriter Kenneth Montero are too inept for logical exposition. In fact, a simple story becomes too big a hurdle for this team (which includes Cleo Paglinawan). The skill and technical know-how are blatantly wanting so we experience some of the driest scenography ever to grace the silver screen.

To accentuate tension, Dela Cruz gets his actors to either smoke endlessly over dissonant music – or he gets them drunk! Though canned music is pretty much avoided, a monotonous piano strain is employed instead, but the melodic tone isn't even compatible with most of the scenes being played. The setting is mostly confined to interiors: a swimming pool, a shower room, and a couple of nondescript exterior shots. In short, Dela Cruz’s follow through with Moron Cinema is inspiring, I ought to freight him some trophies for consistency. Yes, honey, we are scraping the bottom here.

Ike Sadiasa and Jerome Pineda appear as the exceedingly heedful neighbors whose mindfulness oversteps boundaries. One of the challenges to hurdle here is how to get through its inaudible sound. The lines are hardly intelligible because of a noisy room tone and the choppy sound. Parang poor signal, 'kuya. What’s worse is how unaffectingly robotic these actors are. There is not a single valid emotion in all of its short running time. Dela Cruz is particularly fond of close ups and panning shots of gargantuan crotches. In fact, while Zander and AR sleep with nothing but "very" tight and "very" skimpy briefs, it suddenly feels like a Bulging Briefs Contest. It made me blush! These shots are oft repeated ad nauseam! I might as well infer that Dela Cruz is taking a masteral thesis on “Protuberant Appendageal Objects”. I could swear there were restless hamsters underneath their bikini briefs. Peksman. Very interesting, debah?

The film had its commercial run September 5th of 2012 so it passed by without people realizing it was even showing. That, to me, is good news. We all should realize which flicks deserve patronage, and which ones don't. 

DUBIOUS ARTISTRY

Curiously, fair skinned Zander and AR possess agnate features, they might as well be brothers. It took me a while to differentiate these two noobs, adding to the difficulty of understanding what exactly is going on in Dela Cruz’s muddled plot ministrations. But then why look for plot? This isn't exactly high art. It isn't even medium art. And saying that it is art in its lowest embodiment bestows it the privilege of suggesting low-levels of shrewd artistry. There’s nothing of that here. If anything, it’s artistry is akin to its title: “Malasado” – half-baked, over easy, amateur, true to form. What we do have is an incipient conceit of how straight men behave if they were homosexuals. That is a huge "if". All gibberish illusion.  

Cleo Paglinawan's Bugaw - Death by the Kangkungan

Lito (Jerome Pineda) is turning over a new leaf. He has decided to stop peddling his flesh to voracious gay men. He was 12 years old when he left his brother from the province to seek greener pastures, but ended up in the flesh trade. Though relatively young, Lito is changing careers from the peddled to the peddler. Now he’s pimping others for the fast buck. One night, Lito finds Efren (Jeff Luna) dancing at a gay club. He was impressed by the tall and lanky gentleman so he offers a deal that Efren couldn't resist: Efren could stay in his house for free, but Lito becomes his pimp. That way, Efren could stop dancing altogether.

Little did Efren know that Lito harbors affection on him. In fact, Lito takes care of Efren needs: he even cooks for him. But Efren gets other ideas. He wants to reunite with his former girlfriend Ellen (Adriana Gomez) who’s also a dancer in another club. “Di ka na nagsasayaw, pero puta pa rin,” jests Ellen. But Efren is serious: “Kahit magpasuso ako sa lahat ng bakla dito, gagawin ko. Makaahon lang tayo.” Such hopeful sentiment, debah? Efren then takes Ellen home to the consternation of Lito who’s not merely jealous. The bills are piling up and here comes another mouth to feed. He couldn’t afford supporting Efren and Ellen – so Lito books himself to his old clients (Ike Sadiasa). Later, he comes up with a plan to set up Ellen with a customer (Nico Baltazar). What happens when Lito clandestinely books Ellen for a session with Efren who though that his girlfriend has retired from the trade? Would Lito succeed to create animosity between the lovers? Would Efren turn his attention to the besotted Lito?

Jeff Luna

In “Bugaw”, Director Cleo Paglinawan, recreates a narrative filled with a dozen improbabilities. There are wringers in every situational turn. Why is Lito writing to his younger brother about his emerging feelings for Efren? Older brothers are supposed to be more discreet where younger (non-gay) siblings are concerned. Instead, he fills his brother’s head with irresolute thoughts. It’s also a stretch to believe that pubescent-looking Jerome Pineda and his alter ego, Lito, are jaded this early from their trade. And that someone as young as Pineda could actually manage the affairs of someone like Jeff Luna. I am sure that Luna could outhustle Pineda in manner, form or persuasion. How can Efren offer a haven to a homeless girlfriend when he himself is freeloading from Lito? Are vestiges of reason alien in third-rate cinema such as this one? When guilt consumes Lito, why did he leave his own home? The economics in such decision is quite incongruent to the financial capability of our protagonist.


Jeff Luna, despite his thespic inadequacies, is a welcome presence. He has always exuded the appeal that has made him the “it” boy of the Pink Film industry for several years now. This charm hasn’t faded one bit. The better news is: Luna has finally shown signs of confidence and artistic improvement. He isn’t as monotonous in delivery as his previous efforts. Luna – still - isn’t shy of disrobing and this is evident in a shower scene where he proudly displays his frontal appendage for his peeping landlord/pimp. Yes, there’s an engorged earthworm in Paglinawan’s cinematic canvas. :) Most times, these peekaboos are a rarity in the director’s unenviable, gag-inducing body of work.

Jeremy Ian cameos as Luna’s “macho dancing” colleague; his partner on stage (they soap each other on stage). Jerome Pineda is miscast as the prematurely retired hustler who’s in love with Luna. Pineda, though always an enthusiastic performer, is more perfunctory than believable. Age and experience are a factor to this, clearly. Adriana Gomez looks waylaid in most of her scenes. This is mostly because her character is ill-conceived and underdeveloped. In fact, it’s clear that Ellen is a mere afterthought in the story. She might as well get buried in this heap of mediocrity. Gomez, if you haven’t noticed, is one of 2012’s busiest actresses. This is great news for the sexy actress who was introduced early this year in GA Villafuerte’s plagiarized “Ang Lihim ng mga Nympha”. Gomez is even able to secure a role for a Cinema One flick that’s getting screened this November.

Adriana Gomez as Ellen and Jerome Pineda as lovelorn Lito.

The script is written, once again, by Kenneth Montero and Cleo Paglinawan. Darry dela Cruz, a ubiquitous presence in many Paglinawan flicks, wears the Assistant Director’s hat. How can anything so dry and technically impoverished be the end-product of more than one brain? You wonder. Maybe it's a cogitative calisthenics to render the bare minimum? Maybe it's a film movement outside the realm of Moron Cinema? Paglinawan's exposition is unmistakably the product of drunken stupor. Having said that, here’s the pop quiz that’s wanting to be asked: Children, what is Darry dela Cruz’s narrative trademark? Answer: His character always dies a violent death, remember?

IMAGINATIVE CONCLUSION

This time around, they get more imaginative. Lito, the flick’s main protagonist, drowns and dies in the kangkungan (water spinach). I am not kidding. Don’t laugh. It’s real. Believe it or not.      

Jeremy Ian cameos as a macho dancer.

Adriana Gomez looking fresh and innocent.

GA Villafuerte's Lihim ng mga Nympha - Cinematic Plagiarism

Glenn (Walter Arenio) takes his friend Marco (Alvin Duckert) to the back roads of a remote town to visit his friend Nardo (TJ Morello). Upon arrival, the Manila lads learn that Barangay Masukal is a longer hike deeper into the woods – and tricycles refuse to go further. On their way to Nardo’s hut, Marco sees a bevy of scantily clad girls (“Labas ang suso”, he eagerly tells Glenn) bathing at the stream. But Glenn is in a hurry, “Baka abutan tayo ng tanghali.” The guys eventually find Nardo’s hut – in the dead of night! At the dinner table, Marco asks Nardo if nymphas really do exist in these woodlands. That night, inebriated Glenn disappears, only to be found in the morning enjoying the cool waters of the river. Glenn unexpectedly gets a visit from two girls who join him. Meanwhile, Marco meets Karen (Mia Henares) who whispers, ”Hayaan mong paligayahin kita,” then swiftly disappears from his sight. Later that day, they’re warned against the pesky nymphas.

The day after, Berting (Chubi Manalo), a young neighbor rushes to inform Nardo that their friend Carding (Bench dela Torre) is found dead, with a white flower beside his naked body. Their suspect: the nymphas. In another part of the woods, a bevy of girls wrapped in white loin cloth gather around each other, chanting a dissonant hymn. Cecilia (Adriana Gomez), the supreme leader of the group, announces that she has chosen Rosario (Honey Lopez) as her successor who would then inherit her powers. Karen shows her displeasure and storms out. Wasn't Rosario last seen teasing Carding to his hut?

That night, Glenn goes missing – again! Marco and Nardo scamper to find him before it’s too late. They find him being sexually manipulated, seemingly lost in the chagrin of the nubile nymphs. The ritual was on-going; the boob-baring girls were chanting gibberish – a really messy incantation, swaying their bodies with discrepant hand movements. Will they get Glenn back before it’s all too late? Will Glenn suffer the fate of Carding?    

A walk into the woods.

"Pare, may mga chicks. Labas ang suso," remarks Marco when he sees bathing nymphas.

In 2010, a local film was released on video called “Sa Piling ng mga Nympha” topbilled by Charles Delgado and directed by Chris Reyes. What’s more surprising - 90% of this flick mirrors Director G.A. Villafuerte’s “Ang Lihim ng mga Nympha” shown April this year – the plot, the scenes, the lines, the setting, etc. Some similar scenes include: Charles reaches the woodland on a tricycle. When the driver was asked for Charles’ exact destination, the former replied, “Di na ako puwedeng tumuloy. Delikado na dito.” Another scene: a group of bare breasted nymphs were spotted by Charles bathing by the stream. Even casting is diligently inspired by the original: Since the 2010 version has an African-Asian girl in the cast, Villafuerte’s version hires an African-Pinay named Sarah Obama (who plays Estela) to complete the "copying". There are more “copies” found in “Lihim...” Yet you don’t find attribution to the original movie.

Now here’s the funnier fact: While 2010’s “Sa Piling ng mga Nympha” was moderately watchable, 2012’s “Lihim ng mga Nympha” turns out a film making atrocity. Everything about this “re-telling” is inferior to the original: performances, plot twists, technicals (exceedingly horrible sound: you couldn’t hear anything from conversations), etc. In fact, I was surprised to find a competent Winston de Dios in  the original version. His part had some degree of difficulty (he was running amok because his wife was abducted by the nymphs). De Dios turned mediocre once handled by exploitative directors Lucas Mercado (“Rigodon”) and Paul Singh Cudail (“Sulot”). Why is "Ang Lihim..." a lot worse than the original? Why "remake" a relatively new flick (2010)? Who told Villafuerte he could write anything decent - or that he could direct anything outside a children's play? More importantly, who gave him permission to debase better films, turn them into cinematic scraps, then call them his? Questions abound.

NATURE OF NYMPHS

“Nymphas”, in this film, is a neologism of sort. The term is a Tagalized version of "nymphs". But these entities aren't even part of Philippine mythical creatures. What are these creatures? Nymphs originated from Greek mythology. They aren’t goddesses, but minor female nature deities associated with a particular location (sea, land, wood, celestial and underground). They are “divine spirits” who dwell and guard their natural habitat. Depicted as beautiful young maidens, these creatures love to sing, dance and make merry. As consequence of their character, they are known to mate with humans who get caught under their spell.

I can only assume that Villafuerte's nymphs are analogous to our “diwata”.  Villafuerte however tweaks the nature of these creatures. After all, his nymphas do not exactly "mate” and “make love” – they “fellate” their victims. They also love ogling at their victim’s back sides. Isn’t that very gay?

Walter Arenio (as Glenn) and a friendly visitor

Alvin Duckert as Marco

Sarah Obama (as Estela) and Mia Henares (as Karen)

Honey Lopez as Rosario

Walter Arenio provides a dashing consort with his sculpted physique, sexy masculine swagger and very Pinoy looks. More importantly, he captures the relaxed demeanor of Glenn. If you think he’s a run-of-the-mill actor, think again: he played Tony, the boatman, in Auraeus Solito’s magnificent “Busong” (Palawan Fate). So his presence in an exploitative Pink Film baffles. Though he doesn’t wave around his pecker, he has several “wet bulging brief” moments and a couple of backside peekaboos that would make you blush.

Alvin Duckert has a more ambitious part because he evolves into a totally different character in the epilogue (one of the cringe-worthy changes from the original story). Prettyboy Duckert is an enthusiastic actor. While his performance is better than bland, Duckert fails to imbue emotive heft so he comes off as superficial. And please, Alvin, stop dressing up as a woman ever again. It isn't a flattering sight. Masagwa! TJ Morello fares better with comfortable demeanor; his delivery isn’t snagged by doubt or irresolute action common among noobs.

FLACCID APPENDAGES

Adriana Gomez makes her film debut here. While she occasionally suffers from tentative emotions, she doesn’t do so badly. She isn’t allowed to do much except look “queenly” – as Cecilia, the queen of the nymphs. These days, Gomez appears in one (bad) indie flick after the next. She could probably be among this year's busiest. Bench dela Torre, as Carding, is expectedly disrobed. In the scene after his sexual dalliance with Rosario, he is left completely naked in bed, his flaccid appendage plopping down his abdomen. Ooohlala indeed! J 

HIGHLIGHTING THE UNFLATTERING

Now let me turn to Chubi Manalo who turns in one of the hammiest performances this side of Jonas Gruet. He speaks like a 7 year old boy with Trisomy 21: monotone delivery, intonation that ignores syllabication and then there’s his speech deficiency – he lisps! And if that isn’t punishment enough, his lines are riddled with so much S’es – and if they were bullets, they’d have murdered him already. Check this out: “Di muna makapunta thi lolo kathi thinuthumpong thiya tha thakit ng paa. Thabi ng manggagamot, impothible daw ang pagkamatay nya, wala ngang dugo o thenyaleth na pinatay thiya.” That is a LOT of S’es for someone like dear Chubi. What I am saying here: a director who’s cognizant of the weaknesses of his actors would surely notice this and remedy the lines by finding substitute words that Chubi could properly deliver, instead of hurdling 13 S’es in his lines! Sigh. He is actually better off just bathing at the stream – sans speaking lines - since he adequately flaunts his engorged member under his wet undies better than he delivers lines. I am telling you, Chubi's had it more-than-adequately engorged! J      

YES, MICHAEL, IT'S BAD

The script is slapdash and thoughtless. I ask again, how can cinematic plagiarism turn out so much worse than the original? In a scene where Glenn gets an unexpected visit from two nymphas, Cecilia catches her wards canoodling with the bathing Glenn. Cecilia shouts their names to call their attention: "Hasmin, Karen... halika kayo rito!" Then Glenn stands up and shouts back, "Sandali, anong pangalan nyo?" Every creature in the woodland could hear Cecilia, but Glenn. Someone needs a hearing aid! When they found Carding dead without finding blood or any sign of foul play, they thought this was impossible. Hence must be caused by supernatural beings? Huh? Haven't they heard of "bangungot" (a relatively common concept in barrios)? Or a heart condition? Or a myriad of medical conditions that don't manifest with physical signs? 

If their lives were indeed in danger, wasn't it easier to just leave the darn place and go back to Manila? In Villafuerte's "Bahid", his characters similarly stay in a household that's gradually dropping like flies (there's a killer in this story), and I couldn't understand why they wouldn't just leave. You see, Villafuerte is so fixated by inscrutable weaknesses that are easily remediable. He constructs these problems - then gets stuck finding his way out of his own narrative dilemma. Wawa, debah? Villafuerte is also gravely inconsistent with his thoughts: the gist in this film is that nymphas seduce their victims then they die. But there were several scenes of seduction that didn't amount to anything, but an excuse to show the nymphs playing with their victim's joysticks. After all, these nymphs didn't like sexual intercourse. They prefer fellating their victims! How very inspired, right?    

TURNING GAY

The big difference between the two flicks is: the plot has been tweaked to accommodate Villafuerte’s pedestrian homoerotic fantasies. 2012’s version turned gay! By doing so, it artistically crumbled because of ineptitude and film making incompetence. Then again – this clueless director believes he completed “another masterpiece”. These days, the term "masterpiece" has acquired new meaning, and it isn't "work of outstanding creativity". It's the extreme end of the artistic spectrum. Makes your skin crawl.

Palawenos Alvin Duckert and Walter Arenio share company and a head-scratching plot twist.

Walter Arenio

Alvin Duckert

TJ Morellos

Chubi Manalo

Bench de la Torre

Bench de la Torre

Honey Lopez

Adriana Gomez

Light moment with the cast.

A scene with Charles Delgado from 2010's "Sa Piling ng mga Nympha".

Tense moment with Charles Delgado in "Sa Piling ng mga Nympha".

GA Villafuerte's Hardinero - Copying the Amateur Way

When gardener Mang Mario (Marco Ronquillo) had to leave his work to attend to his family in Iloilo, the De Veras find themselves in a deleterious situation! Holy molly! What will happen to the plants in the garden? Will they wither, wane and die a painful death? This disturbing scenario shakes this progressive family like it’s the apocalypse. It’s a good thing someone presents himself for the job – handsome Brando Chavez (John Canterbury) who’s in desperate need of employment to support his spouse.

STAGGERING SECRET

The De Veras comprise siblings Lance (Jonas Gruet), the family breadwinner; voluptuous and pouty Ana (Adriana Gomez) and nubile Cyrus (Kael Reyes). They treat hardworking Brando with due civility and gives him a day off in a week so he could visit his other-half. But the comely pulchritude of fair and soft spoken Brando isn’t lost on the siblings who soon develop considerable affection for our titular character. 

Fortunately, Brando is receptive to all forms of persuasion: men, women, gays – even mute maids! He soon fosters discreet and intimate relationships with every member of the household. But he has a secret that could shatter the world of the de Veras; an arcane mystery that shall change the shape of the universe as we know it. His “asawa” is a gorgeous guy named Nikko Guanzon (Paulo Henson) who spends all his time showering away grime brought by lassitude. What happens when the De Veras find out about this? Will the world perish in a matter of seconds? More importantly, will the script writer grow cerebral tissue inside his skull?.

Scriptwriter and Director GA Villafuerte once again fabricates a tale so mundane and out-and-out ridiculous I had to laugh all the way from the opening to the credits. He places tension on the fact that his protagonist lives with a guy as though it’s his employers’ concern. Didn’t Brando tell them that he has an “asawa”? Once the De Veras knew of his homosexual relationship, all hell breaks loose. Ana, so distraught, could only slap him several times: “Walang hiya ka. Sinungaling ka!”

But wait. Was Brando in an exclusive relationship with any of the siblings? Ana is, after all, in a coupling with Xyrus Arruejo whom Lance doesn’t favor. Villafuerte is so inept he can’t even build adequate tension to create an atmosphere of betrayal. Every sexual vignette doesn’t underline exclusive intimations, but mere playing around. Closeted Lance’s sole indiscretion was when he asked Brando, who subs as pool cleaner and masseur, for a massage that soon had the employer fellating his gardener ‘til kingdom come (no pun intended).

RATED SPG

Like many Pink Film directors, Villafuerte had to submit his actors to several shower scenes – something that’s probably genetically ingrained in the artistry (or lack thereof) of gay Pinoy directors because they can’t seem to do away with multiple shower scenes to tide over their gaunt narratives. Yes, Empress Crisaldo, Director Villafuerte peppers his celluloid dreams with enough backsides he might as well be ejaculating in his director’s chair.

EXECRABLE

The performances are considerably bad and, quite frankly, ghastly with Jonas Gruet exhibiting one of the hammiest depictions of a corporate boss. In a scene reminiscent of Crisaldo Pablo’s “Masukista” (with Joeffrey Javier playing the boss), Gruet tells off his incompetent employees with grated teeth, contorted facial muscles and wrinkly nose – it was painful to watch him finish a paragraph! Is he under medication? What happened to Gruet? Wasn't he a Repertory Philippines actor once upon a time in his long’ish life? Gruet is equipped with emotive affectations that distort his lips, nose and forehead as he delivers his lines. He wasn’t this bad in Del Mundo’s “Taksikab”. It’s probably the presence of Villafuerte that brings out the worse in his actors. And if you think Gruet is bad, try Marco Ronquillo who is ominously billed - “sa isang espesyal na pagganap”. Special it isn’t, that’s for sure. Ronquillo, who appears for 2 minutes or so, is intimidated with any line given to him so he appears petrified delivering his lines. He freezes in mid-sentence. The eggplants in our farm have more conviction looking like vegetables than Ronquillo depicting a gardener. Gawd!

Now how's our titular hardinero? John Canterbury looks mostly amused and willing to please. If he has emotive skills, this remains unclear since the character isn't really given much to sink his thespic teeth into. I am a bit distracted by his "man boobs", but other than that, who would complain about someone as good looking as Canterbury? Better to watch a handsome man in a bad movie than ogle at ugly beings in an execrable one, debah? (Wink, wink at Crisaldo Pablo!) Do we believe for a second that Canterbury's a gardener? If this were April Fool's, maybe.

Xyrus Arruejo returns and if you remember from my previous review of GA Villafuerte's "Kapa", I predicted that Villafuerte intends to gradually "peel" Arruejo's modesty, slowly but surely until he's left waving his family's jewels for the director. In "Hardinero", the goodlooking Xyrus has a bed scene with Adriana Gomez, who may need some time with the treadmill to shed off her lipid excrescences. They play lovers who keep their relationship a secret from "strict" Jonas. While Villafuerte succeeds to take Xyrus' shirt off, canoodling with Adriana in bed, we can probably expect that those shorts would eventually come off in the director's next flick called "Nympho" - a film that also took one day to complete principal photography. And you wonder why these movies look like grade school amateur movies?

COPYING

Villafuerte introduces a new talent, Paulo Henson who plays Nikko, Brando's "spouse". Henson registers strongly on screen so he could probably make it in this exploitative industry. But he'd be better off finding avenues outside Villafuerte's Mediocre Country. Did Henson do well with his lines? He didn't have any. His baptism of fire was but an arse-rich shower scene with Canterbury. Promising career, right?  

Finally, let me turn the spotlight once again to GA Villafuerte. In "Lihim ng mga Nympha", he copies an earlier flick called "Sa Piling ng mga Nympha" (2010) and didn't even acknowledge the latter. (Review for this comes out within the week.) Every scene and blocking is duplicated with utmost precision. :)

Furthermore, the intriguing concept in "Hardinero" has, in fact, been done earlier this year. In Miko Jacinto's "Salo", a closeted boss (Paolo Rivero) is in love with his stay-in driver (Kristoffer King) who's married - to a guy (Jeff Luna). Shown February this year, this similar narrative strain deserves to be given proper attribution for the blatant copying, right? Villafuerte turns the driver into a gardener. How imaginative. At least gardeners carry hoses that err "squirt" water, right? LOL

Did we expect Villafuerte to run his acknowledgement on this cinematic plagiarism? Unfortunately, GA Villafuerte is as inept with good manners as he is with his film making skills that it's beyond him to give credit where credit is due. Here's the irony, all of Villafuerte's remakes are far worse than their original copies. Yet we get to often read from his camp how he perceives his works as "another masterpiece". Aren't remakes suppose to improve the shortcomings of their predecessor? I'd probably hide in a cave if I were in his shoes. As I've said before, and I'll say it again now, the nerve!

No one requires manners in Mediocre Country.

Brando, the gardener, entertains his young employer Xyrus.

Xyrus watches Brando soaping away at the shower.

Brando offers a massage - with lotion, of course, to his boss Lance.

Lance (Jonas Gruet) turns the table around and errr... "services" his grateful gardener. Such enviable employer-employee relationship, right? 

John Canterbury (as Brando) and Adriana Gomez (as Ana)

Jonas Gruet (as Lance de Vera) and Kael Reyes (as Xyrus)

Xyrus Arruejo and Paulo Henson

Gardeners before and after Brando - Marco Ronquillo and Jayson Sampiano.

Adriana Gomez

Aeona Fuentes and Paulo Henson

Kael Reyes

John Canterbury in a male bikini pageant.

Note:

Please read our featured post on Cinema Bravo and why Web Criticism isn't always about good and reliable writing:
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http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html

Paul Singh Cudail's Ang Jowa - Vicious Cycle

Don and Orlando (Zander Olivarez and Miguel Alcantara respectively) share a lot of things: a home and a job at the bank. They also share a bed. One thing they don’t share is Annie (Jessica Ruiz), Don’s girl friend of several years. But Orlando doesn’t know about her. What’s worse, Don intends to leave Orlando to start a family with Annie. When he finally does, Don is inconsolable. However, life with Annie is tough. After all, Don resigned from his job – and Annie is eternally unemployed. With bills piling up and rent’s long overdue, Don turns to Orlando who’s only too willing to lend a hand in exchange for sexual favors. While Orlando has pretty much acquiesced to a shared relationship, Annie is kept in the dark. The latter, in fact, is getting suspicious about her husband’s hushed calls and clipped replies. Where does Don get their rent money? Where does her “husband” spend his overnight soirees? 

As it comes to pass, Orlando starts demanding more attention from Don who jumps from one concupiscent bed to the next. What’s a guy to do? In fact, does he have enough stamina for his two lovers? And if this dilemma wasn’t enough, Don further harbors intermittent sexual thrills with Betty (Adriana Gomez), Orlando’s childhood friend – who frequently visits him.  Plot thickens when Betty inadvertently gets pregnant. But all hell breaks loose when Annie discovers Don’s relationship with Orlando. On the other side of this sexual chain is Betty who doesn’t know that Orlando has hatched plans to adopt the child once she gives birth. Meanwhile, “wife” Annie has decided to walk out of Don. Will Orlando get the child that shall “seal” his coupling with Don? What happens to Betty?  

Orlando (Miguel Alcantara, right) espouses about contractual relationships to lover Don (Zander Olivarez, left).

More than ever, director Paul Singh Cudail shows that his ineptitude towards a narrative craft knows no boundaries. And he valiantly succeeds outdoing this exquisite “talent”. To process a scene, for example, he keeps harping at a redundant situation that repeats like a broken record – those darn miscalls and hushed phone conversations that are too loud to ignore. Thus, this becomes an oft-repeated source of altercation among the characters: Orlando decries these calls, so does Annie. They occur in every location of their limited scenography: living room, stairs, bedroom, which kinda reminds me of Zig Dulay’s “Huling Halik” where constant phone calls become a nauseating source of tension between protagonists. At some point, these get hilarious and you end up, slapping your thigh with an ebullient “Na naman…? (Again)” Though it should underline the artistic limitations of Cudail who writes his scripts, it’s just one piece of this baffling, albeit shoddy puzzle.

Logic is impugned in several persuasions. When a couple starts planning their lives together, they usually consider the economics that go it. In Cudail’s “Ang Jowa”, they bury their heads in the sand. Don resigns from his job at the bank to join Annie who couldn’t find work. As if that wasn’t enough, Don also leaves his benefactor – the one who supplies all the dough. Hasn’t it crossed his dimwitty cerebrum that money is needed to pay the rent; feed another person; buy soap and toothpaste? When Annie finds out about her husband’s homosexual affair, Orlando tries to convince Annie with an asinine, “Dapat nga matuwa ka kasi ako ang kahati mo, hindi babae.” In my rule book, anyone who shares the affection and engages in sexual calisthenics with my boyfriend/husband is a competitor, thus needs to be annihilated! Relationships and emotional proprietorship have boundaries of their own. In fact, biting on another person’s apple is forbidden.

SPOILERS

As one of the purveyors of the “Moron Cinema” (cheap productions shot in a few days; poorly conceived narratives; domestic settings usually set within the confines of a house), Cudail makes a fallacy out of the aphorism that goes “experience is the best teacher”. How many films has Cudail completed within the last two years or so? Yet you hear lines dictated to his actors. At a dinner table, you hear someone order his cast, “O kumain na kayo!” When there’s food in front of you, you don’t need twats dictating such mundane instructions, do you? You munch, you chew, you masticate – then you throw your make-believe lines. In another protracted scene, you find Annie waiting for Don, and this gets intercut with Don and Orlando sharing fervid copulation. But this isn’t even the issue, what drives you mad is how these scenes are repeated half a dozen times to stretch its running time. I could have pinched the singit of its editor for failing to do his job well, as he allows Annie to wait for Godot.

Don (Zander Olivarez) and Annie (Jessica Ruiz) post-coitus: That darn cell phone!

When Don and Orlando hear about pregnant Betty’s death (she slipped and bled to death), the camera pans at the couple and we find “no discernable emotional reaction” emanating from Don, Betty’s lover and the father of the child. For Don, it was just quotidian dispatch. No need for grief, astonishment or dismay. How’s that for emotional investment? This takes me to its lead – Zander Olivarez. He is stocky, and on cursory glance, looks muscle-bound. Aside from the obvious extra pound of muscle, Zander doesn’t have much emotive skill. In fact, he coasts with a single expression. His moment of inspiration comes when he is made to scuffle in bed with his partners, and he isn’t shy judiciously showing off his backside. He slouches when he should be sitting comfortably, occasionally flexing his arms to bulk up his biceps, triceps, brachialis and even his deltoids. If fact, his muscles could run a gamut of emotional discourse more than Zander himself.

Miguel Alcantara, a protégé of the current queen of mediocre cinema G.A. Villafuerte, tries his luck with real drama. Unfortunately, he doesn’t succeed either. You could see that he tries hard, but for now, this doesn’t suffice. And I couldn’t even bequeath an “A for effort”. Though his conveyance is palpable, he looks like he’s in pain. Not emotionally; more like from toothache or that pulsating pustule inside the nose. “Anong akala mo sa relationship natin, contractual?” He would vividly dispatch with flaring nostrils. The good news? Alcantara registers well on screen, and when he’s earnest enough with his craft, there should be a huge window for improvement.

The ladies are mostly forgettable. They either display bland affect or an irritating display of waylaid theatrics, like when Jessica Ruiz (who sometimes shares an uncanny resemblance with Vice Ganda) cries and all of her facial contortions don’t amount to much. In a scene involving Sally Grefaldo, a character named Tita Lily (the bearer of the bad news regarding Betty’s demise), you find this wrinkly lady cry her hearts out. The camera closely pans to her contorted face. She huffs and haws; she makes singhot, and makes garalgal her voice – yet in her abstruse heartache and convoluted affliction, she isn’t able to shed a single tear! It always bothers me to see someone cry – without tears! Maybe Tita Lily has lachrymal obstruction? Let’s rush her to the eye surgeon for a dacryocystorhinostomy - fast!

The sex scenes are few and far between, and if it's what you're after, you would then have to bury yourself in a bed of frustration. The men mostly show their backsides while the ladies pop out their nipples - perfect for a night of red wine and a generous dash of patience.

Despite these rebarbative situations, you hardly feel the compulsion to care. You’re made acutely aware that the emotional width and breadth of Cudail’s little story spans the four corners of his little rooms, and thus are ill-equipped to expand to the realm of insight. I would suggest a more productive career. Maybe he has green thumbs; farming or gardening could be a better option? Or maybe he can grow camote better than he can assemble a cinematic narrative? Surely, there must be something he could do better than direct films.

Don and Annie: There was never a mention of a wedding, yet they refer to each other as husband and wife.

Don (Zander Olivarez) canoodles with Betty (Adriana Gomez) 

Zander Olivarez postures with a slouch.

Olivarez: Whos' the muscle man? :)

Miguel Alcantara as loan officer Orlando

Adriana Gomez as Betty, Orlando's childhood friend. Gomez looks lost in "Ang Jowa".