Boy Pick-Up The Movie - Verve and Extended Silliness

Boy Pick-Up (Ogie Alcasid) has got his “rock and roll” in place. This allows him to lord it over during the Pick-up Competition (a street-wise freestyle modern Balagtasan, if you will) where he remains undefeated. This ballsy strut allows him to survive in his own little world where he struggles with unemployment, neighborhood skirmishes, unpaid rent, and the lascivious transvestite landlord Sharona (Diego) eternally seducing him. Things perk up for the beloved protagonist when he unwittingly fills up an urgently vacated position at a newly opened Heaven’s Bakeshop – James (Victor Aliwalas), the pastry chef, was caught by his betrothed and shop owner Angel (Solenn Heussaff) in syrupy flirtation with one of the girls. With James’ departure, Boy is asked to demonstrate his specialty: the fish cake (a P20 besugo decocted with flour and a yellow polka dot bikini – huh?) Soon, every customer in the bakery is salivating for the heady, slavering aroma of the delicacy. With heavy demand queuing in the shop, disaster is averted. Boy gets hired as the shop’s popular new pastry chef – to the consternation of shop assistants Mayumi and Bogart (Survivor castaways Maey Bautista and Albert Sumaya). Moreover, Angel is irresistibly drawn to the nonchalant charm of her new employee.

Unknown to Boy, storm is brewing elsewhere. Boy Pick-up’s popularity has spawned a heart break. When Gabs’ bride (Sarah Labahti) embarrassingly drops him during her wedding march, the groom is fraught with desperation. He finds himself saved from suicide and imminent death (he almost drowned) by a mysterious character who transforms him into a goth toughie (six facial piercings, dark lipstick, dyed hair and the penetrating look of an avenging resurrection), vowing retribution for his lost love. Gabs metamorphoses to the menacing Bagwis (Dennis Trillo).

While Boy and Angel bask in their mutual fondness, Bagwis stalks the duo with menacing fervor. He must take Boy Pick-up down, but how? By taking what’s most important to him: Angel, his job, his pet fish Goldie and his championship. And at the next round, Bagwis takes all these with an easy swipe. Boy loses everything. What’s a local hero to do? With the help of Boy Back-up (Eri Neeman), Boy enlists the help of the “Master” (Joey “Pepe” Smith) to regain his “rock and roll”.  

The birth of Bagwis: from heart break to attitude.

Sharona looks like a wigged Bituin Escalante. Here, he shouts: "I don't need money! I have money!"

Ogie Alcasid and writer Aloy Adlawan pick a rambunctious segment from a popular television gag show and expound it into a cinematic piece. After all, this has a huge, albeit loyal following (netizens take the world wide web to show their appreciation through various fan pages). People who are not familiar with the characters will nonetheless find something pleasant with the film because the performances are perniciously enthusiastic, you can’t help but embrace the zaniness therein. However, there's a limit to embracing absurdity and this will eventually catch up if left protracted. After all, even humor has to have logical strain to be truly intelligible or coherent. Flights of fancy have short windows of expiration - and when inadvertently amplified, even the diverting portions will get dragged down. Like this one.

Ogie Alcasid embraces Boy Pick-up with such encompassing amplitude, you sometimes forget how silly the situations he gets himself in. Surely, there are moments of character inconsistencies: Boy Pick-up starts with a pucker, a protruding pout and a delivery akin to a slowed down record. Midway into the film, he forgets these and delivers his lines a la Ogie Alcasid. It's the element of invariability that makes the mark of an unforgettable filmic hero. 

Solenn Heussaff shines anew in another out-of-the-box portrayal as shop owner Angel. Though not part of the Bubble Gang posse, Heussaff's inclusion lends the story a sense of groundedness; that indeed this isn't all insanity, providing adequate leverage for the situational drama that the movie requires. Her performance is succinct, adorable (read: hindi maarte) and vanity-free, you know exactly why Heussaff is gradually turning out to be one of the country's best new talents! Her chemistry with Alcasid is so palpable that we had to laugh when she pours her sadness over bagoong and green mango ("May bagoong pala ang kamay ko" - then she bawls like a baby). I have never had so much fun watching something nonsensical. It's not such a wonder then why Sam Pinto - whose beloved Neneng B. character is such a household name - is relegated to "extra" duties in the film. She appears only during competitions, regaling the championship stage with her utter beauty - and nothing else! Knowing what I know about Pinto's thespic capability, she would have brought disaster to an already logic-challenged piece.   

Director Dominic Zapata peppers his movie with a dazzling array of cameos (Boy Abunda, Dr. Vicky Belo, Jackie Rice, Ian Batherson, Antonio Aquitania, Lilia Cuntapay as Boy Pick-up's mother,Gabby Eigenmann, Director Joey Reyes, Bong Revilla, Michael V, et.al.) and myopically gathers some of the most absurd jokes I've ever had to encounter. In fact, some of them don't even have punchlines to speak of, it's ridiculous. Here are a few:

 Boy Pick-up: "I put the win... in penguin." (He has a toy penguin that blows bubbles on his dresser.)

***

Boy Back-up: "Ano po ba ang gamot sa depression?"
Brod Pete: Ayon sa kasulatan, heto ang gamot: (sings) 'Mister DJ, can I make a request...' Pero instead na mister, ito ay "master" (alluding to masturbation)

***
Bong Revilla: May ibibigay akong "bong" para sa iyo?
Neneng B. (Sam Pinto): "Ano?"
Bong Revilla: "Ibibigay ko ang 'bong' puso ko."

***
Boy Pick-up: "Bakit bilog ang buwan, ang zero, ang aquarium...?"
Angel: "Bakit?"
Boy Pick-up: Kasi ikaw ang isda sa puso ko." (Didn't I say silly?)

***
Person 1: "Sana ikaw na ang Y."
Person 2: "Bakit?"
Person 1: "Kasi ikaw na ang kasunod sa ex ko."

***

Person 1: "Kape ka ba?"
Person 2: "Bakit?"
Person 1: "Kasi gusto kitang ma-kape-ling!"

***

Angel: "Bakit duck yan?" (Referring to Boy's umbrella handle.)
Boy: "Kasi pan-duck!" (pandak)

***
Moymoy: Mangga ko is 'awesome'.
Boy: "Ma ah-sim!" (asim)
Moymoy: "Awe-some"

***

Boy: "Bakit problema ko parang kuting?"
Angel: "Bakit?"
Boy: "Meow!" (Huh?)

***

Boy: "Angel, taxi ka ba?"
Angel: "Bakit?"
Boy: "...dumating sa buhay ko." (Really now!)

***

Bagwis: "Sirena ka ba?"
Angel: "No!"   (And the joke is...?)

As you see, some of the lines here verge on the esoteric so it's set up like a hit and miss predisposition. But most of them rely on the boundless enthusiasm of its peppy cast who shows what camaraderie does to even the lamest jokes. There is much to do with the evolution of Dennis Trillo's "Gabs" who turns into the certifiably menacing "Bagwis", but what promised to be a full throttle showdown ends up into a mediocre finish coupled with a fast resolution (Labahti embraces Trillo after losing to Boy Pick-up at the rematch) that didn't deserve the "creation" of Bagwis. It's a case of much ado over nothing. If anything, this movie shows Trillo's versatility. In fact, he does a mean "pick-up" spiel; and puts a believable streetwise swagger.

"Boy Pick-Up The Movie" runs like a protracted gag show - but it really is one. Its humor is patchy, but the performances more than make up for the unevenness of the material. When actors are as exuberant as these lot, you tend to forget that there really is nothing much in the cinematic paraphernalia but a bunch of fake peso bills.

Certifiably sinister

Bubbles Gang posse

Sarah Lahbati finds Gabs again.

Boy Pick-up and Angel reunite.

The "Master" espouses rock and roll.

10 Horrific Truths About Topel Lee's "White House"

A horror flick with smiling faces and a sexy pose. Go figure!

1. That the honeymoon period for comebacking actor Gabby Concepcion is over. In this movie, Gabby plays spirit expert Jet Castillo who inadvertently exposes his daughter Sien and wife Issa (Angel Jacob) to the nasty spirits that roam the hall ways of Baguio City’s “White House”. Mr. Concepcion’s performance ranges from the frowning Latin-spewing spiritist to the cinematic sycophant who grovels in front of the screen to please his “fans”.

Indeed, at times, we felt like he was performing to the peanut gallery crowd who would sigh at his every line. He was insincerely taking us for a ride the way he did his several ex-wives. No, Mr. Concepcion, you’re playing the character of a desperate father out to retrieve the sequestered soul of his daughter Sien, shanghaied inside the White House. You’re not performing before an adoring “The Buzz” audience who would giggle at your every grin. How could a charming actor evolve into middle-age blandness?

2. That Mo Twister, aka Mohan Gumatay (whose mother is of Indian descent) needs to spend more time in acting workshops than writing his idle thoughts on twitter, speculating whether he should watch a movie or just stay home and masturbate.

I’d have to admit I once had a huge crush on him, and I love his TV interviews (remember that classic tete-a-tete with a spaced out and clueless Ara Mina). Mo has a fast wit and a loud, sexy voice. His boyish grin lights up the screen. However, the same demeanor doesn’t translate well into a believable character. It was Mo Twister pretending to be, er… Mo Twister. His delivery appeared to be all hot-air with no hint of redemption – a 2-D cartoon character that belongs to a different medium. When he finally gets his comeuppance, it was such a relief to have finally gotten rid of him.

Mo Twister & Sarah Labahti

3. That Megan Young has such an arresting presence on screen. She plays a heartbroken writer whose boyfriend (the horribly self-conscious Chris Cayzer) proposes a cool off period so he could date her friend. This took her to audition for a slot in a reality-TV program called “Pinoy Horror House” where 8 persons will vie for P1 million. Whoever is left inside the house after 5 days of being sequestered inside shall win the prize.

4. Joem Bascon spoofs a habitual male pageant contestant, Dom Romero, whose rhetorics and trite replies during interviews (“Thank you very much for that question.”) provided some of the film’s few pleasurable moments. However, as the narrative strain progresses, his character stagnates into someone who’s disdainful and annoying. We somehow knew he was gonna start the eventual pile up of body count.

Iza Calzado

5. That director Topel Lee has finally used up all the straws I’ve reserved for him as a promising film maker. If you’ve seen “Imahe-Nasyon” (2006), an omnibus project featuring 20 of the country’s most prolific indie film makers, addressing the issue on national identity 20 years after the Edsa Revolution, then you would agree with me that Topel Lee’s work there (“Ang Manunulat”) was one of the few visually-arresting original ideas. He went on to direct Judy Anne Santos and Jolina Magdangal in the serviceable horror film, “Ouija“ as well as the earlier “Dilim” (a ground breaking vigilante movie with a twist). Lee is, no doubt, a visual director. Unfortunately, that alone doesn’t constitute a great movie.

In “White House”, he litters his moods with loud dissonant music and a hundred-and-one distracting drones that half-way into the film, his audience’s capacity for fright has but run out. In fact, despite those ashen faced children creeping inside refrigerators and cabinets, crawling under the beds, you end up with a sinking feeling that Mr. Lee has been watching too much generic kwaidans and those Thai horror movies, he’s actually run out of fresh ideas of his own.

6. When all the spirits pile out of Gabby’s body, it felt like a bad version of “The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus” instead of a troubling horror film. The only thing scary in this film was when a character actually remarked, ”This is better than your soap opera!” You wish! I’d say, this was more annoying that Simon Cowell. In White House’s TV ads, KC Concepcion is caught saying, “Come watch it. Kayo ay matutuwa!” What a smart girl! Then she suddenly realized this was an inappropriate phrase to describe a horror movie. She then corrects herself: “nakakatakot”! But hey, we’ve already got her real thoughts about her father’s movie. Atta girl, KC! We appreciate pretty girls who speak their minds. ;->

7. That after the abominable “Wapakman” and this banal “White House”, director Topel Lee should hibernate or revisit his indie roots where he thrived under less resources. In the mainstream world, Lee loses his inventiveness and ends up like the rest of GMA Film directors who are worse than mediocre.

Joem Bascon: ad model and male pageant contestant

8. That Sarah Labahti and Lovi Poe display their glaring limitations in “White House”. Enough of that gum-chewing persona, Miss Poe. That’s been done with great success in “Walang Hanggang Paalam”. Redundancy of characterization only shows how lost Lovi was in “White House”. Not enough time to conjure a significant persona so she resorted to one that worked before.

I’ve known of call center agents, none of whom chewed gums like there’s no tomorrow. None of whom acted like Calamine-requiring sluts. Of course I am aware of studies showing how such call center agents have become exponents of the effective dissemination and propagation of the HIV virus, but let’s not be too obvious, Ms. Poe. As for Ms. Labahti, the only thing she imparted was the impression that she could be perfectly forgettable. Jeez, these GMA talents are in desperate need of coaching from rival ABS CBN whose actors are proficient performers many times over. Wala bang budget sa GMA to get better acting coaches? Remember Angel Locsin’s blandness before she jumped to the other yard?

Megan Young & Lovi Poe: writer and call center agent

9. That “White House” has succeeded in giving Iza Calzado her worst performance in her enviable career.

Not even that nauseating Indie flick Jowee Morel’s “Mona: Singapore Escort” was she this bad! (Do you remember how Iza allegedly walked out during the preview screening of “Mona”, which was about a Pinay who worked as an escort girl in Singapore?) The lovely Iza – one of my all-time favorite actresses – just looked out of place within the exposition. This was funny because Iza was the film’s major nemesis! She was the “Black Lady”. Why she wore black was never explained. Baka she was fashionably conscious as a ghost? LOL

I would then venture on the obvious. For making Ms. Calzado look bad, the film’s writers are a bunch of sniveling idiots.

10. That their idea of “spirit attachment” is suspiciously similar to flu-like symptoms that eventually progressed into meningitis. The child suddenly developed fever, was vomiting, became weak, then got stuporous and unconscious! Didn’t I say meningitis? And Gabby had to travel all the way to Baguio for this misdiagnosis! Makes me wonder who their medical consultant was for this film. Baka si Dr. Vicky Belo. Then it would be such a relief to come out from their shooting looking all thermaged and botoxed out! Dang!

Gabby Concepcion: middle-age blandness takes the form of a spirit expert (huh?)

Iza Calzado and Jesse Bradford: two of my favorite artists in the world!