Topel Lee's "Basement" - Defying Logic

On a tempestuous night when the rains have incessantly poured down from the swollen skies, and the rising waters have clogged up the pavements, a dank parking basement becomes an unlikely setting for a night that brings together people of different persuasions. Angela (Chynna Ortaleza), a pregnant woman is driving her two young children home. A couple of thugs (Dex Quindoza, Alvin Aragon) arrive to retrieve an illegal substance from an abandoned car, with the help of Mendoza (Dion Ignacio), one of the basement’s security guards. Eliza (Sarah Lahbati) has had enough of her clandestine rendezvous with Jules (Enzo Pineda), the husband of her best friend. A group of drugged out teenagers (Louise de los Reyes, Kristofer Martin, RJ Padilla, Teejay Marquez) hang out inside their car. Migs, a nurse (Jan Manual) is taking Lola Meding, his geriatric patient (Pilita Corrales) home.  Mario and his assistant Bernard (Kevin Santos and Albert “Betong” Sumaya) are about to leave when their delivery truck gets a flat tire. What’s worse, the only exit door in the basement is locked in. As if that isn’t enough, there’s power outage.

Can you spell “derivative” in 5 seconds? Director Topel Lee’s “Basement” re-creates his small screen efforts (TV5’s series “Third Eye”) by expanding his yarn and relocating his “manananggal” inside a claustrophobic, contained environment brimming with some of the most agonizingly irritating characters this side of celluloid. Lee populates his narrative with flawed individuals that it’s hard to pick a single character you’d want to root for. This spells disaster. After all, an audience doesn’t get into a singular experience totally detached from it. It’s like watching a ball game; we sit as spectators rooting for a team. Otherwise, we might as well go home and sleep.

Questions abound. Why does Ellen Adarna’s character sleep inside the trunk of a car? How does she get out from it? The backseat obviously is a more comfortable place seeing that it’s unoccupied. Or she could find a lot of empty nooks in the huge basement which, bafflingly, doesn't seem to have stairs leading to it from the department store/supermarket above it. I've never heard of a basement without stairs, have you? What architect has such moronic design? Of course, this gives the story its “cabin fever” setting, conveniently generating simulated anxiety. If you take this premise hook, line and sinker, you’d probably fall for this narrative fabrication.

But it’s the little things that repel you from this sham. Every character acts like some high strung individual who needs a dose of Diazepam. Let’s take the case of the exceedingly good looking Dex Quindoza who plays one of the drug dealers. After being hounded by his predator, he runs away in the most cringe-worthy artifice: he shrieks and falls like a school girl, finds a room, opens a door and gets inside, but wait. Someone’s after him, why won’t he close the darn door behind him? A creature is after him, debah? 

Same problem ensues with Louise de los Reyes’ character Roxy who exhibits her inane brand of heroism by getting out of the car to challenge the monster, leaving the car door open! “Sandali, may plano ako,” she belatedly tells the others, as the camera pans to the pair of drum sticks she’s carrying. When the winged monster finally arrives, we learn that Roxy doesn't have a plan after all. She falls and scampers to get the fire extinguisher; hoses the fume around in a futile attempt to do something. Will the fume extinguish a monster as much as it extinguishes fire? I'll give you a good guess. In Topel Lee’s world, it probably does. Instead of hitting the monster with the tank, she just stands there waiting to be devoured or eviscerated. Talk about stupid heroines, right? But wait, all her heroism isn't for naught. After all, she’s had an epiphany while rescuing the newborn child: “Meron palang silbi ang buhay ko.” Huh? If you've never heard of spurious fortitude... Sigh. 

In the story, you’ll find the monster stalking her prey. She’d either grab them with her hands decapitating their heads or dismembering their extremities. In a couple of scenes, you’ll see her long and slithering tongue easily hooking up her victim. But while pursuing Anna (Mona Louise Rey), who’s protecting her little sibling, the manananggal conveniently forgot to use her vine-like tongue! (The monster wouldn't fit in the hole.) Otherwise, it would have been a very easy pursuit. Nakalimutan, kuya?

The film makes use of silly sound effects. We get a monster who flies with a loud choo-choo train sound, you’d think the Philippine National Railways was nearby. This ill-advised “locomotive” sound is too laughable, albeit distracting, to be associated with the flapping of wings. Yet during the requisite “habulan”, the characters couldn't seem to hear this plangent sound that’s coming towards them. Hearing defects? What’s worse, they stumble around shouting: “Wag kayong maingay!” Who shouts while trying to hide? Only in Philippine horror films, that’s for sure.

In a couple of scenes, vehicles refuse to start! While a minor detail, this underlines the exceedingly limited narrative mulch that our storyteller is working with. In Topel Lee’s horror flicks, vehicles won’t start (twice!) – or would have flat tires. Wala na bang iba? Ho-hum! 

This redundant artifice is prevalent in “Basement”: a security guard inspects a room, flashes a light on what’s in front of him, yet he doesn't see the dead body on the floor until he stumbles on it. Same scene with Betong! The human eye, unless suffering from scotomas or glaucoma, is actually capable of seeing a visual range that includes the ceiling and the floor – and 180 degrees from left to right! Once again, in Lee’s film, his characters are so inept to find anything with a flashlight unless they physically stumble on it. It just doesn't make sense – but it sure sets a scene that would feign morbid fear. Kunyari takot… then let’s add a dash of fake blood while we’re at it. Despite all the shouting involved, “Basement” is in dire need of a sense of urgency.

When Betong finds the lower half of the manananggal’s body, instead of running away from it (he knew already that they were being stalked by a monster), he instead walks towards it and even pokes it with his radio. This coming from a guy who supposedly easily frightens. Moreover, you will never find a manananggal’s half body impeccably navigating itself without bumping into things. Here’s one with an inherent GPS, I almost wet myself laughing. Jan Manual plays gay nurse Migs. In one scene, he openly flirts with – hold your breath! – Betong! I almost regurgitated my last 3 meals! Ewww…..

Atrocious, over-the-top histrionics characterize the performances. There’s Chynna Ortaleza, Teejay Marquez, Albert Sumaya, Pilita Corrales and Dex Quindoza who mistake enthusiasm for great acting. Ellen Adarna plays the half naked sinister soul who walks around with a sullen, dour and morose expression. If she thinks this was her ticket to greater thespic heights, she’s in for a rough ride in this business. Good thing she seems to have moved to ABS-CBN! Smart girl!

Sarah Lahbati does better, but that’s not saying much really. Dion Ignacio, the errant security guard, registers well on screen. Like the rest of the characters, he isn't tasked to do much but to look "concerned". Louise de los Reyes and Kristofer Martin are, well, uninteresting so that when the former finally gets crushed by Lahbati’s car, we didn't even flinch. But aren't we supposed to care? Aljur Abrenica sleepwalks through his security guard role and only re-appears for the movie's anticlimactic finish. Since we don’t exactly look forward to his Machete’ish acting chops, we’re just too glad not to see more of him – unless he dons his “bahag” again! Tee-hee. 

If GMA Films thought they had a sleeper in “Basement” against Star Cinema’s “Staring Over Again”, then they could learn a lesson here. In fact, the operative word should be “clobbered”, if I am disallowed to use “massacred”. While the Toni Gonzaga-Piolo Pascual flick is running away with lots of dough, “Basement” is playing to near-empty cinemas. In fact in Cebu’s SM Cinema 2, they had to cancel the last 3 screenings of “Basement” on two consecutive days to accommodate the bursting SRO crowd of “Starting Over Again”. This is really a case of deserving your audience.    

Topel Lee used to be the promising and innovative indie film maker, but that’s almost a decade ago. His promise wavered and waned into trite and gimmicky drudgery that defy logic. If his intent was to entertain, this was ultimately weakened by his predilection for cinematic retreads and incoherent stories. I read an article on Enzo Pineda who said that he feels privileged to be working with Topel Lee. How on earth did he arrive to that conclusion, you wonder. Or does Pineda, who looked vacuous all the way through, know what he’s talking about? This much is true: Topel Lee makes gag-worthy horror flicks. Unless you believe that "Amorosa" was a masterpiece. (Well, those doofus behind Star Awards nominated it for best film, didn't they?) Topel Lee puts a premium on visuals alone, otherwise forgetting that salient aspect of film making, i.e. telling a tangible story. Unfortunately, cinema isn't visuals alone.

Teejay Marquez (left) plays sexually starved Ryan while Dion Ignacio (right) plays drug-dealing security guard Mendoza.

Dex Quindoza

Aljur Abrenica

While absolutely adorable as Julie in the recent MMFF indie, "Island Dreams" - and as Marilyn in her hit teleserye "Mundo Mo'y Akin", Louise de los Reyes appears as charmless Roxy in "Basement".

Pretty Sarah Lahbati plays guilt-ridden Eliza. Have you noticed how GMA's prodigal artists (Lahbati, Adarna) get roles in the film outfit's very very few cinematic outings? That's a tip to current GMA artists who has never appeared in a GMA movie yet.

Ellen Adarna

Could Adarna don the "Darna" costume now that she's in ABS-CBN? Be very scared, Angel Locsin. :)

Topel Lee's Amorosa - Revenge of the Vigorously Confused

As a child, Amiel (Martin del Rosario) was diagnosed with Retinitis Pimentosa, an irreversible and incurable eye disease that eventually leads to blindness. Rosa Calderon (Angel Aquino), Amiel’s mother, the carrier of the illness, feels responsible for Amiel’s misfortune. But she enlists his other son Rommel’s (Enrique Gil) dedication to assist Amiel as he gradually loses his vision. ‘Di tayo aayaw; ‘di tayo susuko, Rosa reminds her son. She further says, “Sa ‘yo ako humuhugot ng lakas, anak.” Amiel and Rommel grow up close and supportive of each other. They play Beethoven’s “Fur Elise” together on the piano. They even prepare for the eventual forfeiture of Amiel’s vision by counting the steps to familiar nooks in the house.

One fateful day, the family figures in a catastrophic accident instantly killing Rosa’s husband (Lloyd Samartino). Rosa gets thrown out and survives with a mere contusion. But the wreckage perilously hangs by a cliff. The townsfolk turn to the site to pull the survivors out of the car. As time critically ticks by, a samaritan shouts to Rosa: “Sino ang sasagipin?” Rosa’s knee jerk reaction has her shouting, “Yung nakasalamin!” (Amiel). Rommel hears this and gets heartbroken. This scene has since defined Rommel’s relationship with his mother and brother Amiel.

Surviving the accident turns into an icy chapter in the lives of Rosa’s family. The once obedient and dutiful Rommel has turned wayward, preferring constant night outs with friends of ill repute. Moreover, their financial standing has down spiraled. Situation turns dicier when Rosa accepts an offer to manage a desolate inn in foggy Tagaytay where Amiel and Rommel spent their summers as children. Rommel acquiesces when he renews acquaintance with childhood friend Amanda (Jane Oineza) who’s grown into a lovely girl.  

But the old and creaky house rankles with an ominous past. A girl named Sandra (Empress Schuck) was gang raped and murdered in the house 15 years ago. Since then, men – suspected rapists – die mysterious deaths around the area. A killer is running loose, and Sgt. Villegas (Richard Quan) pays Rosa a visit to warn her about this. Meanwhile, Rommel’s demeanor towards his mother and brother changes abruptly with Amanda’s constant visits (she delivers flowers to the guest house). Fetching scenario, right? But are they safe from the wandering killer? Is Rommel free from the influence of his delinquent friends (Ejay Falcon, Franco Daza and Nico Antonio) who have their eyes on Amanda? Has Rommel mended his strained relationship with Rosa and brother Amiel?

A convoluted plot replete with several intervening narrative strains makes this mostly incongruent flick a herculean cinematic experience. The issues involved in “Amorosa” are disparate, and director Topel Lee vigorously pieces them together like oddly-shaped parts of a puzzle.  There’s the beautiful title that would have you believe that titular Rosa is the focal character in this story.  Well, she isn’t. There should be something about her that deserves a theatrical “title” other than the fact that she’s the genetic carrier of her son’s Retinitis Pigmentosa; maybe a glimpse into her past? But if you really think about it, Rosa could be written differently, i.e. as a supporting character or a flashback - and this wouldn’t harm the major premise that’s more about sibling rivalry than the guilt of a mother who wants to pass her burden to her younger child. How convenient, right?

During the accident, the Samaritans who went to the vehicular wreckage chose to “ask which one to help” losing more time in the process. Most people with brains would readily act on it than ask for decisions. They were at the scene, for Pete’s sakes. It was their call to just pull anyone out before the car tumbles down the ravine. But no, in their moment of idiocy, they had to ask the confused, contused and flustered mother which one should they pull out of the wreckage. Moreover, what mother would choose a child over another? This moral dilemma is really a narrative catachresis, clumsily manipulated to draft a situation.

On the other hand, Sandra’s (Empress) story, which starts the movie, is hokey. To add to Rosa’s grief, Director Lee has decided to throw in an avenging ghost who kills “rapists”. The film would have you believe that Tagaytay is the Rape Capital of the Philippines; rapists are a dime a dozen and they roam the streets like happy vagrants looking for damsels in distress. And restless Sandra haunts and kills them. But what bothers me was after having exterminated the characters played by Ejay Falcon, Nico Antonio and Franco Daza, what happens to the avenging Sandra? Her story has conveniently become an unfinished business, right? Unless she has decided to retire from her protracted retribution.  What did Sandra do to her own rapists – Carlo Aquino, Johan Santos and Lemuel Pelayo? Why kill others, but not your own rapist/murderers? Busy sya? Anyare, kuya?

And didn’t you notice how Manila boy Rommel’s friends seem to follow him all the way to Tagaytay? Moreover, there’s an albularyo (Nanding Josef) who intermittently warns Rosa of impending events, and there’s a child (Xyriel Manabat) who seems to see ghosts. Yet all of them are disposable characters that are as quickly forgotten as they are introduced into the story. Let’s not forget Lilia Cuntapay who provides asinine humor, an absolutely misplaced thread in an already confused narrative body.

Furthermore, Director Lee wasn’t happy with these plots so he further deviates by providing another twist! In what could be the silliest form of “deus ex machina”, Rosa is suffering from a post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that would have her believing that Amiel survived the accident. But such gravity of delusion and visual hallucination isn't part of Post Traumatic Stress. Try Major Depression or Schizoaffective Disorder, but absolutely NOT Post Traumatic Stress Disorder! Isn’t it easier to actually consult a psychiatrist if you were to make a cinematic case out of a psychiatric diagnosis than cursorily reading about hallucinations from Wikipedia? Some people could be so inept or lazy.

It turns out, post-accident Amiel was but a figment of her imagination. How very Shyamalan!

Angel Aquino boasts of an arresting presence and an earnest take on mother’s guilt. Empress Schuck is, as usual, fetching and sympathetic as Sandra. These two ladies make watching Amorosa a little less painful, churning out commendable performances in shoddily written characters. Others aren’t as lucky. Ejay Falcon displays course depiction too far removed from most Star Magic actors. His characterization is, in fact, very Mac Alejandre’ish - mediocre, loud, predictable, and shallow. Enrique Gil and Martin del Rosario mostly deliver perfunctory turns, but they’re nothing to crow about. After all, the bond between these two actors is mostly fabricated, more than visceral.   

I have to admit though that the setting and cinematography are a pleasure to the eyes. Fog bound Tagaytay, gigantic trees with a thousand branches that reach to the heavens, atmospheric corners of some eerie locations provide a very visually compelling cinematic canvas. Unfortunately, mere beauty doesn’t suffice. A beautiful girl with the brain of a paramecium soon loses novelty, and we eventually see through her hollow skull. And it’s becoming clear how Topel Lee, once a very promising indie talent, has failed to deliver his promise. With visually succulent scenes, all he’s able to churn out are the superficial requirement of his cinema. Visuals are an integral part of a film, but it’s a valid story and an intuitive storytelling that drive any cinematic vehicle. In “Amorosa”, cerebral occupancy is nil! There’s just no one home but an unmanned camera.

Nanding Josef and Nico Antonio

Empress Schuck is the avenging Sandra.

Martin del Rosario is Amiel. Enrique Gil is Rommel. They are brothers... from a different mother... and a different father! See any similarity? You have to judiciously use your imagination for that. :)

Ejay Falcon is William, the present-day rapist; Carlo Aquino is Jerry, the rapist of the past! 

Pretty Jane Oineza plays flower girl Amanda, Rommel's childhood friend.

The cast of "Amorosa: The Revenge" and their confused director.

Note:

Please read our featured post on Cinema Bravo and why we sometimes feel nginig about Web Criticism:
- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html

Tumbok - Exhaustingly Marooned in Cliche

When I was a child, I had a yaya who flourished in her fantastical stories. It was a childhood replete with the most vivid tales of folk lore and superstitions. She loved scaring me until I was blue and shaking under my sheets. But then she would smile and assure me that bad things happen only to bad people. How naïve, right? But it was sweet, and I soon learned to cope. Children are resilient and learn to adjust in time. I still get my goose bumps when watching horror flicks, but I can now sit through a marathon of them wearing a poker face, seemingly without care, but with toes curled down below.

“Tumbok” is one of those superstitions that I’ve come across early on. It’s when a street or two converge, and this focal point becomes the epicenter of bad luck. This is the point of contention in Topel Lee’s “Tumbok”.

Young couple Ronnie (Carlo Aquino) and Grace (Cristine Reyes) inherit a room in a doddering, ramshackle building right where three streets converge. Most of its tenants have all but deserted this tenement, except for the few occupants in the same floor as Grace and Ronnie’s. The transfer has been smooth as the couple is being ushered into their new abode, with great help coming from their landlord Mark (Ryan Eigenmann). But things go bump in the dark, and Grace is plagued by visions and sounds that don’t quite exist on second sight. Gradually, a series of mishap characterize the fate of the building’s inhabitants: an explosion at the students’ room; a constantly bickering couple (Wendy Valdez and DJ Durano). Moreover, there’s a ghostly child named Yumi who vanishes just as quickly.

Furthermore, cataclysms seem to follow the couple. Ronnie develops a non-healing wound where worms crawl out of and Grace starts dreaming of being taken advantaged by Mark. Even job opportunities where Grace has already been accepted disappear (the employing officer dies). Are these things related to their present home? Lumen (LJ Moreno), the couple’s cousin, soon confirms this, albeit fatally so.

CONGESTED THOUGHTS

Early on, the story is congested with recurring scenes set to establish an atmosphere of dread: an off-kilter music that suddenly turns into loud bangs saunters along with visions of ashen faced children – peeping through doors, gazing from the foot of the stair, morbidly dipped under water in a tub, or gliding sideways behind their backs. How much mood do you need when you find this gimmick nauseatingly repeated 5 times in the first 20 minutes of the movie! Does it get scarier the more we repeat it? The element of surprise dissipates as quickly after the 5^th appearance-disappearance and this “contraption” becomes exhausting. You end up getting sensitized - and it isn't even half way through the whole movie.

Unfortunately, there are more derivative scenes you can easily identify from ten dozens of horror flicks: doors suddenly opening (this happens 4x or so); the protagonist waking up from a bothersome dream (this happens 3x); invisible creatures creeping under the bed; crawling hands moving under the blanket then sliding through the hair; ghouls posturing behind Cristine or Carlo like they are about to devour them, but when they look behind, there’s no one there. Yup, all of the above, with nauseating regularity.

Where is the T in T-junction?

At some point in the film, you realize Topel Lee is stuck in a narrative plateau. Yes, the director has an enviable cinematic eye. He creates images that reek with mood and an impending doom, but he has, of late, been victim to the “horror checklist”. He dutifully enumerates them in his cinematic pad, then peppers the whole story with “lots of it”. We are seeing him in an unflattering light. The realization becomes clear: Topel Lee is not a competent story teller. In this movie, he is completely at a loss. Desperately!

I once rationalized this suspicion and pointed the blame to mainstream film making because I have seen his “Dilim” (2005, with Mario Magallona and Rica Peralejo) and the “Ang Manunulat” segment of the omnibus project “ImaheNasyon”. These two films were progressive and entertaining works from Lee. But let’s check out his last 3 movies: the execrable “White House”, the vomit-inducing “Wapakman” (with Manny Pacquiao, and one of the worst films of the decade), and the uneven “Sundo” (with Robin Padilla and Sunshine Dizon). Clickthecity reviews have been kind to Mr. Lee, but after several movies, I just do not understand a statement like “…but he's capable of so much more.” More what? More of “My Kuya’s Wedding?” After making these last three films, Topel Lee has indeed shown what he is capable of doing. And this isn’t much!

Is there really an immense talent behind someone who shamelessly imitates Yam Laranas’ “ghosts in the tenement” tales? Are people really so forgetful of Laranas “Sigaw” (with Iza Calzado) and its American incarnation “The Echo” (Jesse Bradford and Iza Calzado)? Some of the characters in "Sigaw" included an abusive cop and his battered wife. Lee updates this in "Tumbok" with an abusive security guard and his wife (Durano and Valdez), which is a demotion since, heck, it’s just DJ Durano playing the part, and we don’t want to upstage Carlo Aquino who is the police department’s official photographer, do we? These “trapped characters” keep re-experiencing these events in vicious cycle. Wasn’t that the delectable conceit in Yam Laranas’ movie’s epilogue?

Even the details are indolent. When Ronnie bangs at the door of the rambunctious students to ask them to pipe down, they just ignore him. So he pulls his police badge out from somewhere under his shorts! When he visits a hospital to see his wife, he once again flashes his badge when all he needs to do is ask for the room number since he is the patient’s husband after all. His badge is glued somewhere in the recesses of his ass, and he's just too happy to flash them when he can.

Once again, we turn “medical”. In one scene, Aling Elsie (Malou de Guzman) points out, “Buntis ka? Ang lakas ng pintig ng leeg mo eh.” Distended neck veins are a sign of pregnancy? You better rush that girl to the hospital because such distention is synonymous with right-sided heart failure more than pregnancy. I have never heard of such hogwash! When Ronnie unfolds the bandage from his arm wound, he finds it throbbing and growing, with worms crawling out of a hole, yet we don’t exactly see him rushing to the doctor. He treats it like it's a pimple waiting to be squashed. Cash strapped maybe? “Naubos ang savings ko sa libing ni Lumen,” he reasons later.

Cristine Reyes is an engrossing presence, making this cycle of clichés a wee bit tolerable, and Carlo Aquino makes the most of his low-ranked police officer with an adumbral past. Unfortunately, pairing Reyes and Aquino together was like lighting a torch filled with water, instead of petrol. There isn’t any spark to speak of. Ara Mina and Jao Mapa’s cameos (a side story that supposedly explains Ronnie’s past) feel incongruent to the idea of "tumbok". After all, how can Ronnie forget everything about his origin? A coping mechanism to forget? Was he an amnesiac in the vein of Toni Gonzaga (“My Amnesia Girl”)? Ryan Eigenmann renders the flick some gravitas, but his incubus (a demon who descends upon people to have sexual intercourse with them in their sleep) feels too manipulated a character to be believed, a plot device that doesn't quite hold water. Are we still talking about “tumbok” (“poison arrow” in feng shui) here or is this a separate entity? The devil's child, perhaps? These fusion of ideas clutter around in confusion. But, hey, at least we have a lot of atmospheric shots, di ba?

Finally, just to lay out the concept of “tumbok” on the discussion table, check out our diagram of “tumbok” above (courtesy of www.cavitehomes.com) and compare this with the “other” entity called “Curved Knife” road. Then compare this with the building used in the movie (see the photo above). It hardly describes a “T-junction” to me, does it? Maybe they should have re-titled this one with something more appropriate. Like “Hilo”?

Bonamine, anyone?

Cristine Reyes - engrossing presence

Cristine Reyes

Cristine Reyes

Ryan Eigenmann - enough gravitas

LJ Moreno as Lumen discovers that Ronnie and Grace live right in the heart of superstition.

10 Horrific Truths About Topel Lee's "White House"

A horror flick with smiling faces and a sexy pose. Go figure!

1. That the honeymoon period for comebacking actor Gabby Concepcion is over. In this movie, Gabby plays spirit expert Jet Castillo who inadvertently exposes his daughter Sien and wife Issa (Angel Jacob) to the nasty spirits that roam the hall ways of Baguio City’s “White House”. Mr. Concepcion’s performance ranges from the frowning Latin-spewing spiritist to the cinematic sycophant who grovels in front of the screen to please his “fans”.

Indeed, at times, we felt like he was performing to the peanut gallery crowd who would sigh at his every line. He was insincerely taking us for a ride the way he did his several ex-wives. No, Mr. Concepcion, you’re playing the character of a desperate father out to retrieve the sequestered soul of his daughter Sien, shanghaied inside the White House. You’re not performing before an adoring “The Buzz” audience who would giggle at your every grin. How could a charming actor evolve into middle-age blandness?

2. That Mo Twister, aka Mohan Gumatay (whose mother is of Indian descent) needs to spend more time in acting workshops than writing his idle thoughts on twitter, speculating whether he should watch a movie or just stay home and masturbate.

I’d have to admit I once had a huge crush on him, and I love his TV interviews (remember that classic tete-a-tete with a spaced out and clueless Ara Mina). Mo has a fast wit and a loud, sexy voice. His boyish grin lights up the screen. However, the same demeanor doesn’t translate well into a believable character. It was Mo Twister pretending to be, er… Mo Twister. His delivery appeared to be all hot-air with no hint of redemption – a 2-D cartoon character that belongs to a different medium. When he finally gets his comeuppance, it was such a relief to have finally gotten rid of him.

Mo Twister & Sarah Labahti

3. That Megan Young has such an arresting presence on screen. She plays a heartbroken writer whose boyfriend (the horribly self-conscious Chris Cayzer) proposes a cool off period so he could date her friend. This took her to audition for a slot in a reality-TV program called “Pinoy Horror House” where 8 persons will vie for P1 million. Whoever is left inside the house after 5 days of being sequestered inside shall win the prize.

4. Joem Bascon spoofs a habitual male pageant contestant, Dom Romero, whose rhetorics and trite replies during interviews (“Thank you very much for that question.”) provided some of the film’s few pleasurable moments. However, as the narrative strain progresses, his character stagnates into someone who’s disdainful and annoying. We somehow knew he was gonna start the eventual pile up of body count.

Iza Calzado

5. That director Topel Lee has finally used up all the straws I’ve reserved for him as a promising film maker. If you’ve seen “Imahe-Nasyon” (2006), an omnibus project featuring 20 of the country’s most prolific indie film makers, addressing the issue on national identity 20 years after the Edsa Revolution, then you would agree with me that Topel Lee’s work there (“Ang Manunulat”) was one of the few visually-arresting original ideas. He went on to direct Judy Anne Santos and Jolina Magdangal in the serviceable horror film, “Ouija“ as well as the earlier “Dilim” (a ground breaking vigilante movie with a twist). Lee is, no doubt, a visual director. Unfortunately, that alone doesn’t constitute a great movie.

In “White House”, he litters his moods with loud dissonant music and a hundred-and-one distracting drones that half-way into the film, his audience’s capacity for fright has but run out. In fact, despite those ashen faced children creeping inside refrigerators and cabinets, crawling under the beds, you end up with a sinking feeling that Mr. Lee has been watching too much generic kwaidans and those Thai horror movies, he’s actually run out of fresh ideas of his own.

6. When all the spirits pile out of Gabby’s body, it felt like a bad version of “The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus” instead of a troubling horror film. The only thing scary in this film was when a character actually remarked, ”This is better than your soap opera!” You wish! I’d say, this was more annoying that Simon Cowell. In White House’s TV ads, KC Concepcion is caught saying, “Come watch it. Kayo ay matutuwa!” What a smart girl! Then she suddenly realized this was an inappropriate phrase to describe a horror movie. She then corrects herself: “nakakatakot”! But hey, we’ve already got her real thoughts about her father’s movie. Atta girl, KC! We appreciate pretty girls who speak their minds. ;->

7. That after the abominable “Wapakman” and this banal “White House”, director Topel Lee should hibernate or revisit his indie roots where he thrived under less resources. In the mainstream world, Lee loses his inventiveness and ends up like the rest of GMA Film directors who are worse than mediocre.

Joem Bascon: ad model and male pageant contestant

8. That Sarah Labahti and Lovi Poe display their glaring limitations in “White House”. Enough of that gum-chewing persona, Miss Poe. That’s been done with great success in “Walang Hanggang Paalam”. Redundancy of characterization only shows how lost Lovi was in “White House”. Not enough time to conjure a significant persona so she resorted to one that worked before.

I’ve known of call center agents, none of whom chewed gums like there’s no tomorrow. None of whom acted like Calamine-requiring sluts. Of course I am aware of studies showing how such call center agents have become exponents of the effective dissemination and propagation of the HIV virus, but let’s not be too obvious, Ms. Poe. As for Ms. Labahti, the only thing she imparted was the impression that she could be perfectly forgettable. Jeez, these GMA talents are in desperate need of coaching from rival ABS CBN whose actors are proficient performers many times over. Wala bang budget sa GMA to get better acting coaches? Remember Angel Locsin’s blandness before she jumped to the other yard?

Megan Young & Lovi Poe: writer and call center agent

9. That “White House” has succeeded in giving Iza Calzado her worst performance in her enviable career.

Not even that nauseating Indie flick Jowee Morel’s “Mona: Singapore Escort” was she this bad! (Do you remember how Iza allegedly walked out during the preview screening of “Mona”, which was about a Pinay who worked as an escort girl in Singapore?) The lovely Iza – one of my all-time favorite actresses – just looked out of place within the exposition. This was funny because Iza was the film’s major nemesis! She was the “Black Lady”. Why she wore black was never explained. Baka she was fashionably conscious as a ghost? LOL

I would then venture on the obvious. For making Ms. Calzado look bad, the film’s writers are a bunch of sniveling idiots.

10. That their idea of “spirit attachment” is suspiciously similar to flu-like symptoms that eventually progressed into meningitis. The child suddenly developed fever, was vomiting, became weak, then got stuporous and unconscious! Didn’t I say meningitis? And Gabby had to travel all the way to Baguio for this misdiagnosis! Makes me wonder who their medical consultant was for this film. Baka si Dr. Vicky Belo. Then it would be such a relief to come out from their shooting looking all thermaged and botoxed out! Dang!

Gabby Concepcion: middle-age blandness takes the form of a spirit expert (huh?)

Iza Calzado and Jesse Bradford: two of my favorite artists in the world!