Francis dela Torre's "Blood Ransom" - Lingering Melancholy

While Crystal (Anne Curtis) grieves for her parent's death, she finds solace in the dark corners of West Covina, and embraces the lure of the wandering souls who inhabit this underworld, including charismatic Roman (Caleb Hunt) who offers the gift of immortality - as a vampire! The whole process takes 7 days to complete, and within these days, she has to accept by directly feeding and killing her victims. But Crystal is a reluctant predator. Meanwhile, mysterious deaths are happening around the strip joint where Crystal works. Authorities, headed by Fil-Am cop Daniel (Darion Basco), have started their investigations.

When a group of thugs kidnap Crystal, her occasional driver Jeremiah Rose (Alexander Dreymon) comes to the rescue. Trouble is, she doesn't want to return to Roman's fold. Bill (Jamie Harris), Roman's fierce hitman, has been sent to get Crystal and exact punishment on Jeremiah. Crystal is getting weaker for refusing to "feed", but she's constantly battling her thirst for blood. And her new protector is falling fast for the beautiful monster.

Crystal's kidnapping catches the attention of Daniel whose aunt Paz (Suzette Ranillo) raised Jeremiah as a child. To make matters worse, Jeremiah's involvement takes the psychopathic Bill to Tita Paz's doorstep. Will Jeremiah rescue her adoptive mother in time? More importantly, how can they stop Crystal from completing her transformation?

Director Francis dela Torre tweaks the nature of the vampire. In his cinematic macrocosm, vampires don't perish under the sun (they just prefer the night); they're not afraid of crucifixes; and they can't be easily killed by stakes on their hearts - but by special blades on their throats. And if they drink holy water admixed with the blood of the vampire who turned them into one, this shall stop any transformation within seven days.

Despite a promising premise, the story moves with glacial pace; plodding, whispery deliveries and dawdling action. The cinematic palette is filled with clusters of idle moments. To say the least, it is sleep-inducing and requires a certain amount of patience to keep your lids from drooping.

This is a curiosity considering the possibilities of the subject matter. Blood sucking creatures usually parlay dynamism in any narrative - not this one. The atmosphere is one of lingering melancholy; one that would drive suicidal people to eventually end their misery. Gothic stories need not be lethargic in presentation, do they?

The film has unmistakable Pinoy flavor: Tita Paz would play Pilita Corrales' "Dahil Sa Yo" while cooking her delectable longganisa. Her home is a proverbial religious temple. Road signs read "Manila Way". Thugs and laboratory technicians wear their spread out ala nasi. Unfortunately, these don't help move the story. Not even when Bill starts shooting at Jeremiah and Father Mena (Jonjon Briones).

Anne Curtis makes a compelling damsel in distress, although her character feels too passive to be unforgettable. More importantly, she doesn't embarrass herself in her first foreign movie. Unfortunately, some scenes are too guileful to be believed, like when she had to lick the blood splattered on the road. Afterwards, you'd see her walk away with chin all drenched in blood. Was she too dazed to wipe herself up? She reaches a motel looking like she's feasted on roadkill. Wasn't she trying to be discreet? So much for trying not to get noticed. Alexander Dreymon ("American Horror Story", "Christopher and His Kind") has the presence of Channing Tatum. But with a temperament midway between drama and horror - not quite nailing either genre, and a narrative progression that ultimately fails to soar, "Blood Ransom" becomes an inferior vehicle for highlighting their acting chops.

Some lines are either smart or pretentious: "Killing is a funny thing. Most people stay dead," Bill tells Jeremiah. Or when Crystal berates Caleb, "What have you done? It's immoral!" That, coming from a sect who preys on humans as a means of survival. If I have to emphasize the obvious, watching the movie poses one big challenge: How to stay awake!

Caleb Hunt is Roman, Crystal's master.

Sinister Jamie Harris

Alexander Dreymon and Anne Curtis

Anne Curtis

Alexander Dreymon

Alexander Dreymon

Caleb Hunt

Alejandro "Bong" Ramos' My Amiga Girl - Comedic Cliches

When Margarita Avez Mercedes, (Daiana Menezes), crowned “Queen of Brazil” arrives in the Philippines, she falls victim to a conman who divests her of possessions and travel documents. Scared and alone, the Brazilian beauty queen finds solace in another deadbeat soul, transvestite Kimberly (Michelle O’Bombshell) who likewise falls victim to an illegal recruiter. The two become fast friends. But Kimberly refuses to go home to the province. What would his father, who sold most of the family’s assets, say? The two friends drift from one household to the next, doing odd jobs for a flurry of employers: as makeup artists at a funeral parlor; as massage therapists for a Chinese businessman (sans “spacol” – neologism for “jakol sa spa”); as carwash crew under a sex-starved boss Douglas (AJ Dee); as an “artista” auditionee who reluctantly ends up in a sleazy go-go bar, etc. Each encounter becomes a comedy of error.

Unfortunately for the beauty queen, she couldn’t turn to the police fearing she’d get thrown in jail when one of her spa customers succumbed to a heart attack. Meanwhile, Andrew, (Gerald Madrid), a police investigator, is aware of Margarita’s disappearance. He was supposed to pick her up from the airport but got sidetracked when he was summoned at his child’s school. Andrew’s mind is up in the cloud. His wife abandoned him because he kept a secret, i.e. he has an affair with another man (Ivan Chev Tabucal). With all these internal conflicts, finding Margarita becomes a burdensome mission.  

Kimberly eventually turns to his family in San Clemente who welcomes him back with open arms. Margarita experiences the warmth of Pinoy hospitality. Soon thereafter, she attracts the attention of the town’s besotted Mayor Lacanilao (Sherwin Ordonez) who, days later, proposes to the troubled expat. In fact, despite her polite rejection, she becomes target to an attempted kidnapping, as Lando (Rufert John Lirio), Kimberly’s brother, would unravel. What becomes of helpless Margarita?

Director Alejandro “Bong” Ramos (“Butas 1 and 2”) churns out a genre far removed from his usual sex dramas and exposes his blatant artistic weakness. In fact, the flick doesn’t brandish a flicker of brilliance, visual or narrative, indicated by his voyeuristic tales. What we do have is a narrative replete with comedic clichés: fart jokes, bad parodies of Nora Aunor films delivered by Menezes herself (Lines from “Himala” and “Flor Contemplacion Story”), GMA impersonations, slapstick accentuation of physical imperfections, etc. Moreover, the chronology of events refuse to reflect reality and the narrative thread is punctuated by head scratching situations designed to prolong the agony of the disserviced tourist. Any foreigner in a foreign land with half a brain would turn to her embassy for help. She doesn't. But she had to experience all the inanities of a variety of Philippine avocation, doesn't she?

Though I am tickled pink of Menezes’ impeccable command of Tagalog, this wasn't even explained why she was so good at it… except that “there are many tutors in Brazil”. They teach Tagalog in Brazil? Really? Como foi? Menezes is an ebullient actress, and she is easy on the eyes, but she has a long way to go as a thespian. While other Pinoy mestizos take ages to learn their Tagalog, Daiana can run rings around her conjugations. Unfortunately, it doesn't win her points where film quality is concerned. What a waste.    

Looking for Andrew.

Margarita and Kimberly

Sir Douglas (AJ Dee), the peeping boss.

Gerald Madrid as Andrew, the police investigator.

Suzette Ranillo as the over enthusiastic mother of Kimberly.

Bad GMA jokes, no?

AJ Dee: Hotter than his more popular brother.

Rufert John Lirio as brother Lando.

Ivan Chev Tabucal as Andrew's secret lover Steve.

Leonardo Q. Belen's Pinoy Super Kid - Slap-Happy Stupidity

After planning a ruse that would cancel a school exam (for the sake of a friend who isn’t ready to take it), Alex (Buboy Villar) gets expelled from school. But what’s more heart breaking for him was getting booted off his Boy Scout Platoon. Alex lives and breathes the scouts’ ideals. This is when he starts having nightmares concerning a band of thieves – their movement, their operandi. Heck, he even gets the exact date, time and address right! With the help of his friend Buddy (Jerould Aceron), he produces a sketch of these thugs and turns them over to a police sergeant (Rey PJ Abellana) who scoffs at Alex’s allegations. After all, who in their right mind would readily admit clues straight out of a child’s dream? But Alex’s nightmares linger on, diligently tracking down the baddies’ operations. 

He seeks his Tito Ben’s (Mark Lapid) help, but all their complaints fall on deaf ears. Little did they realize that the sergeant coddles this criminal syndicate. This time around, Alex gets a gift from a mysterious old man (Amay Bisaya) who bequeaths a powerful talisman. From here on, he starts gaining magical powers that could freeze or move people (telekinesis, anyone?) When another heist ensues, Alex, his Uncle Ben and his guidance counselor Karen (Princess Armillos) find an ally in another police officer (Mon Confiado) who, though skeptical, doesn’t turn them away.

When the bad guys get wind of Alex’s gifts, they kidnap him and take advantage of his powers. Soon, more people are abducted: Delia, Alex’s mother (Suzette Ranillo); Gemma, Alex’s crush, and his father Mr. Osorio (Edwin Reyes); even his uncle’s girlfriend Susan (a bargirl). What’s a magical boy scout to do?

Why? This question loudly resonates like a huge gate of tin falling down a concrete. The choice of employing the Queen’s English as medium of expression is befuddling! In fact, the first few minutes felt like a joke. I kinda expected someone cute as Ashton Kucher declaring “You got punked!” Unfortunately, it was all for real! Take one look at Buboy Villar and his physical attributes: brown skin, flat nose with upturned nostrils, eye slits typically Asian – then he opens his mouth and out comes English, in its most horrifically pugnacious form! In fact, this soon turns into a laughfest with teachers, drivers, sari sari store tinderas “trying” their spine tingling twangs:

“Alex is-tole (stole) a copy of dee questions!”

After passing judgment on Alex (he gets expelled – proven beyond reasonable doubt without even hearing a single word from him for his defense), the principal orders an investigation to be conducted by the “is-cool” psychologist Karen: “Find out if Alex is abnormal or is sick of something!” Huh? But wait, didn’t she just expel the child? Investigations are supposed to occur before a judgment, not after a child’s been kicked off school, right?

As a thumbs up for a good job cleaning her dad’s car, Gemma (Aila Mendero) greets Alex with her top-of-the-morning cheer: “Spic and span, Alex!” Ano daw? How can the script writer live with himself using words too far removed from the Pinoy psyche? And you wonder why we’ve been besieged by storms and gusty winds one after the other!

The film must have been shot with a thematic word-of-the-day: “Stupidity”. “Don’t disturb me with your is-tupidity!” “Don’t tell me something stupid!” “Look at your stupidity!” “You’re a fool!” “Don’t be foolish!” “I am participating in your (drum roll, please) foolishness!” The word and its synonyms bloom like the spring all throughout the narrative so you end up counting them. Hmm, there it is again! And again! And again! Stupidity indeed runs around this excuse of a cinematic garbage!

Another illness is its cacologous lines: “She sit down when we want it to sit down!” Hahaha. Ohmygoodness. Please stop me from this unbridled hilarity! In another scene, Alex/Buboy Villar gets chastised, “You’re turning to be a witch!” Has Alex turned into a girl? Or was this kinda like the Boy Abunda mentality of gender equality? After all, “witch” should be applicable to every slice of the gender pie, debah? Para fair! Sure sounds better than its masculine counterpart – “wizard”! By the way, a Colgate commercial rightfully belongs here: “Our project for Colgate Fresh U is to build a lib-lary!” Just a thought.

In another scene, after receiving talisman from a mysterious old man, Alex asks the tindera, “Did you see da old men?” She replies, “I niber sow dat old dibel bepor!” Aw shucks! She sure didn’t!

Most scenes are as detached from reality. Where does the magical old man come from? And why did he abandon Alex when the latter was kidnapped? If Alex could walk through walls, why couldn't he escape from his abductors? In another scene, after a petrifying bangungot, Alex wakes up alarmed, perspiring heavily. His mother rushes to his bed, calms him down, then tells him, “Don’t forget to pray.” Suddenly, agitated Alex is a bundle of joy, beaming with a “Sound of Music” smile, and quite ready for his close up! Did I miss something?

And why does a “superhero” get agitated in the rain? Is this the Gremlins phenomenon? Will he multiply once wet? Where is the “connect”? Then when you've started to consider that thought, this idea gets ignored altogether. Nakalimutan? Manila Bulletin’s Crispina Belen refers to this film as “outstanding”. You wonder which aspect was even vaguely superlative! Yet I am called by a basurero-looking Atenista in his FB ramblings a “pure PR” (he classily declared to his amigas - "mamumura mo talaga ang reviewer na 'yan") and that's just for judiciously enumerating the things I liked about “Kalayaan” (which he calls "epic fail... Basura ng Cinemalaya"; he conveniently dismisses the fact that I also enumerated what I didn't like about it), yet you have entertainment journalists who consider this abomination “outstanding” – and do they get brickbats from basurero-looking bitches? Go figure.

Director Leonardo Q. Belen seems to be living in some alternate universe. His skill and storytelling acumen hail somewhere between the 1958 and 1976 timeline. The sensibilities are dated and too “Piling Piling Pelikula” you somehow expect Max Alvarado, Rodolfo Boy Garcia, and Romy Diaz to jump out of the screen. That would have been more fun, you know. Yes, I was the only soul tinkering with my gorgeous nails in the cool darkness of an SM North Avenue Cinema. It must have been the rains driving people away – in droves, but for once, the inclement weather proved commodious!  If you’re easily annoyed by “is-tupidity”, stay away. If you want fun in clueless film making, try this one out. Laughing is good for the heart. But don’t say I didn’t warn you! 

Lapid consoles Ranillo: "Hanapin natin ang millions ng mommy ko sa Las Vegas. Huwag kang mag alala!" Or was that a different script?

Alex, after getting kidnapped, becomes a "zombie"! You better believe it! :) The original title "Boy Scout Hero" would have been more appropriate!