Wenn Deramas' "Moron 5.2 The Transformation" - One Big Blooper

Albert, Isaac, Aristotle, Mozart and Michael Angelo (Luis Manzano, Billy Crawford, Marvin Agustin, DJ Durano and Matteo Guidicelli respectively) have grown up and gone “wiser” after graduating from high school. 

Albert (Manzano) takes up law, but is disenchanted by the course’s constant debates so he ends up selling hopia in Ongpin, pretending to be Chinese. Isaac (Crawford) seeks the limelight, doing auditions for roles he’s unlikely to get cast in: they want everything he isn't – thin, woman, child, ballerina, gay, etc. Aristotle (Agustin) dabbles into culinary, but his take on dishes are discrepant from his superiors’ (He serves paella for a “sinigang na tahong”). Mozart (Durano) manages a gym but ends up hurting his clients. And Michael Angelo (Guidicelli) recovers from an incident that has accidentally burned his face. His plastic surgeon has done wonders for his facial reconstruction (thus Moron 5’s Martin Escudero becomes Matteo Guidicelli).

On the home front, each of our protagonists has raised a family of his own, with beautiful wives (Yam Concepcion, Danita Paner, Nicki Valdez, Mylene Dizon) and smart bemedalled children (named Fidel, Macoy, Gloria, Corina) to boot. (Except Michael Angelo who shall serendipitously meet his princess.) Unfortunately, the children are embarrassed of their fathers’ bungling antics. “Sana ice cream na lang ako… para matunaw ako sa kahihiyan,” quips one of the kids. They’d rather hire strangers who shall pretend to be their fathers to attend their commencement ceremonies than be caught dead with their biological, albeit moronic fathers.

One night, while on a drinking spree, the quintet discovers what seems like a power-emitting object falling from the sky. After trying to retrieve it, they were struck by lightning – twice! Surviving from the catastrophe, the guys start to believe that this accident has transformed them into superheroes. And they've vowed to follow Peter Parker’s mantra (“With great power comes great responsibility.”) and help people in need. They've become invincible beings. Or have they?

Meanwhile, Beckie (John “Sweet” Lapus), the quintet’s former nemesis, has languished at the asylum. It’s been 7 years. His mental status exam has been deemed promising by his psychiatrist (Karla Estrada) who plans to discharge Beckie. But when asked what his name was, he replies, “Gretchen Barretto”. 

With his release deferred, Beckie plots to break out from the asylum. Without pulling a muscle – and the blundering help of his loony colleagues (Manuel Chua, Boom Labrusca) and a bollixed security guard (Chrome Cosio), they find themselves out of the mental institution. Together, they form Moron 5’s unlikely adversary. Will the evil forces succeed against our heroes? Guess.

Like its predecessor, the energy on display is quite stirring that the audience is left breathless from the film’s lightning pace and exuberant energy. There’s really no accounting for logic. With zippy speed of delivery, you aren't given enough time to think beyond the shallowest subject matters. 

Let’s take the case of one joke that lingered longer than it deserved: What time are the children’s dismissal from school? 3:15 or 3:16 PM? Getting the time right, as the joke would have you believe, spells a difference of “3 hours”? Or an hour? Hilarious, right? And if you bite the bullet, you must have noticed how this idiocy has been stretched for good measure until Deramas felt it served its comedic glory.

Perceived humor pulsates in similar fashion all throughout the movie. When Isaac cogitates, “Di ko maisip eh.” “May isip ba tayo?” Irony plays out effectively as this is reflective of the storyteller’s acumen. Is there an intelligent being behind the shenanigan? Cinema 8 was unnaturally quite. No laughters, no snickers, no slap on the lap - but then maybe it’s because there were just 5 of us inside the huge cinema. Where’s the usual Deramas crowd that loves to get dumb or dumber?

In this new era, slapstick absurdity a la Luciano Carlos seems misplaced. Have we moved forward into the new millennium? Is contemporary comedy really this vacuous? We seem to be stuck in the epoch of Pugo and Togo, Dolphy and Panchito, Babalu and Tange. At least the aforementioned have anchored their humor on comic situations instead of barren ideas. Moreover, constant references to Billy Crawford’s public disobedience, inebriation and transient incarceration smack of poor taste. Presinto, presinto, presinto. Crawford’s run-in with the law wasn't funny. It was't hip either. Otherwise, we might as well get uncontrollably drunk and maul a lady police officer – then we can all laugh about it, right? Hey, young punks! Let’s get drunk and smack a police man for harmless fun!

Why should people watch the movie? Their publicity drumbeaters proudly say, "Because the film teaches about family values." Isn't this a figment of fantasy? We have kids as young as 8 and 9 years old with doting, non-abusive fathers and seemingly contented mothers. Yet they'd rather denounce them, albeit very publicly, if I were to add, because they're stupid. Of course they had a change of heart when they realize that they're actually superheroes. But what values are we teaching our little ones? That love is conditional. We shall love our parents only if they're rich, successful or intelligent. The losers we shall cast away to the wind? I cringe at the thought of a society who accepts this line of thinking as valid measure of familial devotion. Have we forgotten the fifth commandment, that we "should honour thy father and thy mother"? This commandment is all encompassing and without a caveat. But just maybe, in Deramas' inane and fantastical world, elementary education doesn't have values education.

Were there even consequences for the children's cunning? Without them realizing that what they did was deplorable, these tykes shall grow up selfish pricks, opportunistic demons and greedy Philippine politicians. If I were their parents, I'd nip them in the bud and send them to Siberia, with Deramas as guardian, until they take real family values to heart.

Joy Viado’s role as Matteo Guidicelli’s romantic interest brings some comic moment. After all, Viado has mastered the art of self deprecation where her appearance is involved. Turning Viado into a romantic heroine is funny stuff, something that should have been realized early on by Emerson Reyes, the director of “MNL 143”, who huffed and puffed for the sake of artistic freedom when the Cinemalaya bigwigs balked at his idea to pair Viado with Allan Paule for a romantic drama; the conceit of arrogant rookie film makers who cannot be nudged to reconsider their stilted and pompous cinematic choices. Now wasn't that work forgettable? But I am digressing.  

Unlike other Wenn Deramas flicks, “Moron 5.2 The Transformation” doesn't have the requisite bloopers that get played at the closing credits. But this actually avoids redundancy. The whole movie is one big blooper.

Michael Angelo Dagnalan's Paglaya sa Tanikala - Matteo Guidicelli and the Saint

Berto (Micko Laurente) is a vagrant who roams the streets sniffing solvent. To support this addictive inclination, he snatches cell phones and wallets for a syndicate headed by Nardo (Nicco Manalo) and his ornery minions. One day, Berto, with his head still in the clouds, meets Brother Jerry (Matteo Guidicelli), a cathechist, who invites him to Casa Miani, an orphanage run by the Somascan Brothers. Though dingy and uncouth, Berto is embraced by the congregation who gradually introduces him to the Catholic faith and the prodigious story of St. Jerome Emiliani, patron saint of orphans.

Jerome Emiliani (also portrayed by Guidicelli), son of a noble Venetian family, lived in the tempestuous era of the late 14^th century. Though his lifestyle was fraught with vices, Jerome was a good soldier who, at 25 years old, found himself steward of Castelnuovo, a fortress in the Italian mountains. Maximilian I, King of the Germans, eventually headed the siege of Castelnuovo and took Jerome as a prisoner, throwing him in a dungeon. While incarcerated, the brave and fallen soldier reflected on his life of sin and began praying to the Blessed Virgin Mary. He vowed that if he is freed from his shackles, he would change his ways and work for God’s glory. The Virgin Mary heard his prayers. Once free, he went straight to a church in Trevisio where he hung his prison chains in front of Mary's altar, thus the titular “Paglaya sa Tanikala” (Freedom from Chains). As promised, he was later ordained priest in Venice, devoting much of his time for the homeless orphan children. His story, intermittently told in disparate chapters, becomes Berto’s inspiration as he embraces his new family.

But something sinister is brewing in the horizon. Berto gets a visit from a seemingly well meaning couple, Nardo and Jenny David (Manalo and Sue Prado) who tells the parish rector (Jaime Fabregas) that they want to adopt a child. Once alone with Berto, Nardo – the syndicate head – instructs Berto to prepare for a heist, one that would divest the orphanage of its limited funds. Otherwise, he would hurt the other children. What to do? 

Stories of heroes and saints need to be told because they live an exemplary life. There are pages in their stories other people could cogitate on and emulate. However, it’s imperative that these stories don’t come out like propaganda. Otherwise, people would stay away in droves. Unfortunately, Director Michael Angelo Dagnalan’s work runs like one. It is preachy and brazenly milks its contrived plot with less savoir-faire that the vacillating narratives allow.

Imagine talking to a hungry, sleepy child like this: “In 1523, Father Jerome moved from Venice to…” What child wouldn't lapse into catatonia? And what nefarious couple (Prado and Manalo) would dress up as a decent couple just to blackmail a child in an orphanage? The act of masquerading itself is too fairy tale-ish to be taken hook, line and sinker. Manalo and Prado come off caricaturish, delineating characters too blatantly pasquinade.

Matteo Guidicelli makes for a dashing catechist who moonlights as an arnis instructor. I half expected him transforming into Captain Barbel. But Guidicelli is even more fetching as the valiant Venetian soldier who fought for his castle. He looks and speaks the part. Trouble is, Matteo's delivery requires more conviction as Jerome Emiliani. While I could swallow (well, barely) the soft-and-slow spoken, albeit calculated Tagalog delivery as the demeanor of a “religious” (Guidicelli is said to speak impeccable Visayan), his Italian gent-and-priest is rather tentative; more artifice than insight.

While the handsome star isn’t absolutely successful in his dual depictions, child star Micko Laurente hurdles his part like a pro, enveigling his pertinent transformation from a streetwise dope head to a reformed child with remarkable aplomb. Laurente is a find, and probably the only thing worth remembering in Director Dagnalan’s otherwise maladroit tale. Surely, Saint Jerome deserves better.

Fighting with the "Alemans".

St. Jerome Emiliani, Patron Saint of orphans.

Hit me gently, Matteo. Ayayay! :)

My Cactus Heart - Ephemeral Popcorn Romance

Sandy Macalintal (Maja Salvador) has long brushed off romance ever since her father has chosen to live a life away from their family. Sure, he would occasionally show up - a couple of times a year with his current girlfriend awkwardly tagging along. Sandy had to live with a mother (Rosanna Roces) who eternally pines for that day when her husband (Ricky Davao) would find his way back to the fold - where he belongs. Sandy is cautious. Though she entertains suitors, she would eventually nip these budding romances in the bud once they get too close for comfort. Might as well cut her impending and perceived loses before they harm her fragile heart, right?

Meanwhile, Carlo (Matteo Guidicelli) is gradually falling for his boss' daughter Sandy. He occasionally waits tables for a catering business - and moonlights as a singer for a band. He dreams for a lot of things: to visit the grave of her fallen mother (Pinky Amador) in Singapore and to earn a decent living; one that would approximate his worth in the eyes of Sandy who's upbeat and charming. In fact, she takes his breath away. Unfortunately for Carlo, Sandy's twice shy about romantic intimacy. She comes from left of center - and is even wary of her irrefutable attraction to the strapping lad. What's worse: Sandy is entertaining another suitor, Benedict (Xian Lim) who's a formidable competition. What becomes of Sandy and Carlo?



Director Enrico Santos comes up with a winsome formula reeking with frothy narrative embellishments. In fact, if you've seen the trailer alone, it would make you want to rush to the nearest cinema to watch it. The film has an adorable heroine who steals your heart even when she furtively denies affection: "No as in no" indeed! Moreover, it has a romantic consort brimming with asian-italian charm. Heck, even the third wheel's as delectable as a sophisticated version of tikoy and hopia and pansit. Xian Lim is a dashing milk curdler: he is tall, sexy, and looks at girls with earnest heed. The romantic broth couldn't be perfect, right?

But there's this quibble: remember the note for the anonymous soul mate that's meant to find its way back to you? If love was indeed such a fallacy, why rest your romantic faith on a carelessly placed note inside a guitar? Or inside a bottle? The idea feels incongruous to Sandy's apathetic ideas about relationship. If having ones heart broken turns you into a tumbleweed of disaster, then it's evident you don't deserve to be happy. No one deserves to get hurt, more especially if it's a deliberate or expedient strategem.

Maja Salvador is splendid like she's always been, her tongue in cheek rendition always uttered in exquisite comic cadence. Most everyone in the cast tries to duplicate her verve, but her leading men suffer in comparison. Beside Salvador, they appear lightweight... like eye candies - and cotton candy, lovely to gaze at, but they dissipate in the mouth within seconds, easily washing off in our gustatory senses forever.

"My Cactus Heart" is ephemeral pleasure. Everything feels part of an ingredient that, in the scheme of things, don't quite linger for long. Like chips, cotton candy or popcorn, you masticate on them - then you eventually forget the heady pleasures of partaking.


Darna and the art of checking out someone else's hygiene.

Sandy meets the overeager Benedict.


Maja Salvador: perfect


Matteo Guidicelli as Carlo


Xian Lim as Benedict. he is once again "introduced" in this film though he has appeared in Gil Portes' "Two Funerals". This gross overlook spells either ignorance (for not knowing) or arrogance (for not considering Xian's first film part of his resume).

Catch Me I'm In Love – Charm, Conceit and a Blockbuster

Someone was burning the midnight oil, conjuring catchy phrases and word combinations that could a blockbuster make. In his desperate bid for ideas, he comes off short in his semantics. In fact, you don’t exactly “catch” someone who is in love; you do the catching when someone is “falling in love”. Catch? Fall? Get it? So for the most part, this titling offers a certain disconnect, thanks to the simpleton responsible for such inanity.

But inanity does not the movie make either.

The movie follows Roan Sanchez (Sarah Geronimo) who works for an NGO, partaking outreach programs in the far reaches of Cauayan, Isabela. To her consternation, the President of the country takes her to task – she is to assist – and evaluate - in the community immersion of the US-bred Presidential son, Erick Rodriguez (Gerald Anderson). Though initially attracted to the unmistakable allure of Erick, Roan soon finds herself annoyed by the latter’s thoughtless whims and arrogant glib.

But as romcoms go, it didn’t take long for Roan to fall for Erick, and when 22 kids literally “propose” to her (aww shucks), who can say no?

Long before the dust settles, it becomes clear that Roan is too far removed from the glitz, glamour, and dining etiquette of her famous boyfriend – and she is awash with insecurity that can't be simply contained within a very public relationship. What’s a girl to do?

SAME CHICKEN

The movie takes its formulaic stride by banking on the chemistry of this new cinematic pair, and they surprisingly succeed. Is there a new grouping now? “Sarald” or “Gerah”, maybe? Hopefully less violent than the acid-spewing Kimeralds. Director Mae Czarina Cruz weaves her narrative by dressing her “chicken” differently, but really now, it is the same romcom chicken that we've seen many times over. “Quarrelling couple turns lovers” has been told ad nauseam, but this is undeniably a fan movie, thus much of its conceit is unforgivable.

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A month after it has opened, the movie has outlived newer releases (like Robin Padilla’s “Tum – My Pledge of Love”). It is raking the moolah that escaped “Hating Kapatid” too. (Sarah lost the "Box Office Queen" title because of the egg-laying capacity of that Wenn Deramas film). But on a more enlightened note, the film did NOT have a single product endorsement. This is mostly the hands of Star Cinema, who co-produced this with Viva Films. There were no intrusive spots on panty liners, pawnshops, or sing-along microphones. It made movie watching a more immersive experience.

On the technical side, the production is aided by brisk editing, a great location (the hanging bridge, the green fields of Isabela) and a spell-binding cinematography (Manuel Teehankee) that made a proper romantic canvas out of local color. Christopher de Leon and Dawn Zulueta make a perfect presidential couple while Arlene Muhlach and Joey Marquez, as Roan’s parents, typify the common folk adequately. Matteo Guidicelli (as Vitto) does well for his third-wheel role, but it didn't really have much to chew on, which is a waste. When Vitto suddenly drops a beat and raps his amorous advances, you are taken to hilarity. Matteo is a natural and he obviously deserves more screen time. Even the lovely Sam Pinto delivers a less stolid performance as the "other girl" who just might steal Erick away from "Roan of Caloocan". As plot devices, Sarah and Gerald are made to bicker and make up, they are even made to waddle in the mud and walk through glorious daylights, and as scenic as everything is, the whole narrative is nothing short of a fairy tale, albeit loosely based in reality.

Reality wont allow a “lowly” social worker to repeatedly and sarcastically call on a presidential son as “kamahalan” (your highness) regardless of how miffed she would be. Could anyone really call names on Jinggoy Estrada, Mikey Arroyo or even Kris Aquino whenever they act high and mighty? Or better yet, who in their right mind would send their son for a week's worth of community immersion to an NPA-infested province? As I said, the film is loosely based on reality – so it’s best to take it at face value.

Having said this, it is then a lot easier to masticate then swallow, and a fun time could be had at the movies. In fact, a great deal of this cinematic charm rests on a palpable chemistry – and then there is Sarah Geronimo!

SECOND SKIN

Roan is Sarah Geronimo, and the two entities become one. When Roan giggles, you believe that it hails from somewhere frolicky fun and fancy-free. So it is easy to see why people love Sarah. Even her dramatic moments are gradually taking form and gaining ground (the scene where she breaks up with Eric at the party is more than decent), unlike “You Changed My Life” (which was a better film than this one) where Geronimo obviously played to the peanut gallery more than emotionally investing on her role). This, I surmise, is a star-making role, and she gets a thumbs-up from this side of discourse.

THE DEAL WITH GERALD

If indeed we have forgiven the predictability and cinematic conceit of “Catch Me I’m In Love”, dealing with Gerald Anderson is another matter. Anderson has been getting high marks from us in the past. We have noticed how comfortable he has been with his portrayals, but such “comfort” has given him undue smugness. Even the most beautiful men of the world can’t be as self-assured as Erick. In several scenes, he comes off emanating self-love, I half expected he would suddenly pleasure himself on screen as he was too enamored with himself! Even if Gerald were God’s gift to women, he will be a better performer when he reins off his conceit. His Erick didn’t leave me charmed nor blushing. I was simply unnerved.

Brooding Matteo

Lukaret and Ralph Darrel Mateo's Lovely Butt

Glydel Mercado (above,left), Ralph Darrel Mateo with Glydel (right)

The "other" cute Matteo - Guidicelli: "gotta find my corner..." Matteo's musical past!




Marlina, a comely spinster, keeps pining for a boyfriend who left town (well, not really), hoping he would one day return to marry her. So every single day, the townsfolk of sleepy Sta. Lucia finds our protagonist all decked up and ready for her close-up. When a timid but good looking lad Daniel (cute newcomer Ralph Darrel Mateo) comes to town to live with his Uncle Peding, the young "orphan" quickly catches Marlina's affections. Unfortunately for Daniel, his uncle also bites the dust, leaving his Funeral Business to the unabled hands of the youngster. But things don't look promising at all. No one seems to die in Sta. Lucia. What's a cute boy to do?

The answer seems too obvious. And in unrelated snippets, he pulls his pants down and goes skinny dipping at the murky river. In another indoor scene, he flashes his lovely ass once again, and lies down buck naked in the comfy corners of the kabaong! Talk about an unusual way of grieving! LOL

The premise of "Lukaret" has a very promising narrative. If careful attention to detail and a more rigorous brainstorming on the script were in place, this would have come out truly immersive and a compelling cinematic experience, though a tad predictable. For one, unlike 60-70% of the local digital films churned out in the last 3 quarters or so, "Lukaret" boasts of crystal clear photography. This darn indie does not look like a pinoy indie - and that in itself is a major accomplishment! Some scenes need more lighting than others, but on the whole, this is how a pinoy indie should look! Every digital filmmakers might as well get tips on how the filmmakers were able to serve up a really good copy! No washed up colors! No contorted images!

Unfortunately, there is glaring carelessness in the script! And the characters' arcs aren't well fleshed out! Moreover, Director Felino Tanada wasn't able to assist his actors into insightful performances. Provoq hunk Johnron Tanada is hammy. And good looking Ralph Darrel Mateo was just too raw and well... left to his own device! Case in point: His uncle dies, cut to next scene. Camera pans on Daniel's face; he grieves and lunges into a gut wrenching cry. His face contorts and we feel his err, difficulty. He couldn't shed a tear! It was like squeezing water from an igneous rock! This was where a director's supposed to intervene to motivate a newbie!

Make no mistake. Ralph Darrel Mateo (aka "Matteo Guidicelli lookalike") is a star find. In fact, this was highlighted by several of his butt exposures which were so unnecessary for his scenes. Glydel, an able actress, turns up with an uneven performance. Some scenes, she's brilliant. Other scenes, she's on the verge of needing valium! Being a "lukaret" sometimes needs tempering as there's a risk of going overboard - and in the process, come up with a caricaturish performance!

When another disemboweled body is found, a throng of onlookers gather around, cover their noses (as if dead bodies just a few hours old could rot and stench that fast. Then from out of the deep blue, a police officer springs out from this crowd and shouts - "Tumawag kayo ng ambulansya!" LOL. Shouldn't he ask for a punerarya instead? That is, unless the disemboweled number is still seen breathing - naghihingalo man lang! Baka nga naman buhay pa kasi. ;->

When Marlina asks Daniel how the first victim died, he replied, "Inatake daw sa puso." Didn't they show an earlier scene where people were hurling as they find the corpse with eviscerated bowels? Inatake sa puso? Eh nakabulatlat ang bituka! In the succeeding scene, a couple of characters (police?) discuss the neck ligature , and then the absence of the corpse's internal organs! Where did Daniel get his "inatake sa puso?"

Please refer to the scriptwriter!