Wenn Deramas' "Moron 5.2 The Transformation" - One Big Blooper

Albert, Isaac, Aristotle, Mozart and Michael Angelo (Luis Manzano, Billy Crawford, Marvin Agustin, DJ Durano and Matteo Guidicelli respectively) have grown up and gone “wiser” after graduating from high school. 

Albert (Manzano) takes up law, but is disenchanted by the course’s constant debates so he ends up selling hopia in Ongpin, pretending to be Chinese. Isaac (Crawford) seeks the limelight, doing auditions for roles he’s unlikely to get cast in: they want everything he isn't – thin, woman, child, ballerina, gay, etc. Aristotle (Agustin) dabbles into culinary, but his take on dishes are discrepant from his superiors’ (He serves paella for a “sinigang na tahong”). Mozart (Durano) manages a gym but ends up hurting his clients. And Michael Angelo (Guidicelli) recovers from an incident that has accidentally burned his face. His plastic surgeon has done wonders for his facial reconstruction (thus Moron 5’s Martin Escudero becomes Matteo Guidicelli).

On the home front, each of our protagonists has raised a family of his own, with beautiful wives (Yam Concepcion, Danita Paner, Nicki Valdez, Mylene Dizon) and smart bemedalled children (named Fidel, Macoy, Gloria, Corina) to boot. (Except Michael Angelo who shall serendipitously meet his princess.) Unfortunately, the children are embarrassed of their fathers’ bungling antics. “Sana ice cream na lang ako… para matunaw ako sa kahihiyan,” quips one of the kids. They’d rather hire strangers who shall pretend to be their fathers to attend their commencement ceremonies than be caught dead with their biological, albeit moronic fathers.

One night, while on a drinking spree, the quintet discovers what seems like a power-emitting object falling from the sky. After trying to retrieve it, they were struck by lightning – twice! Surviving from the catastrophe, the guys start to believe that this accident has transformed them into superheroes. And they've vowed to follow Peter Parker’s mantra (“With great power comes great responsibility.”) and help people in need. They've become invincible beings. Or have they?

Meanwhile, Beckie (John “Sweet” Lapus), the quintet’s former nemesis, has languished at the asylum. It’s been 7 years. His mental status exam has been deemed promising by his psychiatrist (Karla Estrada) who plans to discharge Beckie. But when asked what his name was, he replies, “Gretchen Barretto”. 

With his release deferred, Beckie plots to break out from the asylum. Without pulling a muscle – and the blundering help of his loony colleagues (Manuel Chua, Boom Labrusca) and a bollixed security guard (Chrome Cosio), they find themselves out of the mental institution. Together, they form Moron 5’s unlikely adversary. Will the evil forces succeed against our heroes? Guess.

Like its predecessor, the energy on display is quite stirring that the audience is left breathless from the film’s lightning pace and exuberant energy. There’s really no accounting for logic. With zippy speed of delivery, you aren't given enough time to think beyond the shallowest subject matters. 

Let’s take the case of one joke that lingered longer than it deserved: What time are the children’s dismissal from school? 3:15 or 3:16 PM? Getting the time right, as the joke would have you believe, spells a difference of “3 hours”? Or an hour? Hilarious, right? And if you bite the bullet, you must have noticed how this idiocy has been stretched for good measure until Deramas felt it served its comedic glory.

Perceived humor pulsates in similar fashion all throughout the movie. When Isaac cogitates, “Di ko maisip eh.” “May isip ba tayo?” Irony plays out effectively as this is reflective of the storyteller’s acumen. Is there an intelligent being behind the shenanigan? Cinema 8 was unnaturally quite. No laughters, no snickers, no slap on the lap - but then maybe it’s because there were just 5 of us inside the huge cinema. Where’s the usual Deramas crowd that loves to get dumb or dumber?

In this new era, slapstick absurdity a la Luciano Carlos seems misplaced. Have we moved forward into the new millennium? Is contemporary comedy really this vacuous? We seem to be stuck in the epoch of Pugo and Togo, Dolphy and Panchito, Babalu and Tange. At least the aforementioned have anchored their humor on comic situations instead of barren ideas. Moreover, constant references to Billy Crawford’s public disobedience, inebriation and transient incarceration smack of poor taste. Presinto, presinto, presinto. Crawford’s run-in with the law wasn't funny. It was't hip either. Otherwise, we might as well get uncontrollably drunk and maul a lady police officer – then we can all laugh about it, right? Hey, young punks! Let’s get drunk and smack a police man for harmless fun!

Why should people watch the movie? Their publicity drumbeaters proudly say, "Because the film teaches about family values." Isn't this a figment of fantasy? We have kids as young as 8 and 9 years old with doting, non-abusive fathers and seemingly contented mothers. Yet they'd rather denounce them, albeit very publicly, if I were to add, because they're stupid. Of course they had a change of heart when they realize that they're actually superheroes. But what values are we teaching our little ones? That love is conditional. We shall love our parents only if they're rich, successful or intelligent. The losers we shall cast away to the wind? I cringe at the thought of a society who accepts this line of thinking as valid measure of familial devotion. Have we forgotten the fifth commandment, that we "should honour thy father and thy mother"? This commandment is all encompassing and without a caveat. But just maybe, in Deramas' inane and fantastical world, elementary education doesn't have values education.

Were there even consequences for the children's cunning? Without them realizing that what they did was deplorable, these tykes shall grow up selfish pricks, opportunistic demons and greedy Philippine politicians. If I were their parents, I'd nip them in the bud and send them to Siberia, with Deramas as guardian, until they take real family values to heart.

Joy Viado’s role as Matteo Guidicelli’s romantic interest brings some comic moment. After all, Viado has mastered the art of self deprecation where her appearance is involved. Turning Viado into a romantic heroine is funny stuff, something that should have been realized early on by Emerson Reyes, the director of “MNL 143”, who huffed and puffed for the sake of artistic freedom when the Cinemalaya bigwigs balked at his idea to pair Viado with Allan Paule for a romantic drama; the conceit of arrogant rookie film makers who cannot be nudged to reconsider their stilted and pompous cinematic choices. Now wasn't that work forgettable? But I am digressing.  

Unlike other Wenn Deramas flicks, “Moron 5.2 The Transformation” doesn't have the requisite bloopers that get played at the closing credits. But this actually avoids redundancy. The whole movie is one big blooper.

Wenn Deramas' This Guy's in Love With U Mare - Gender Bending Triangle

On their third anniversary, Lester Reyes (Vice Ganda) plans a scheme that would have boyfriend Mike (Luis Manzano) pop the big question. The ambiance has been fashioned for a romantic night - with the help of Lester’s gay posse’ (Ricky Rivero, Ricci Chan, Lassi and IC Mendoza). But while Lester has compiled his anniversary gifts (wrist watch, a pair of shoes, a new cellphone) for his lover, Mike is empty handed. What’s worse, the latter breaks up with Lester. He says he’s turned “born-again Christian”. Their relationship doesn't quite make the equation with regards to his religious belief. Lester is nonplussed and hurt, even mildly suicidal. He may not take Mike's excuse hook, line and sinker, but what can he do?

One day, he learns that Mike is actually engaged to toothsome bank clerk Gemma (Toni Gonzaga). So Lester devices a ruse to make Gemma fall in love with him. He conceives a staged mauling that would have him defend Gemma against some assailants. In this incident, Lester valiantly wins against the masked marauders (played by Lester’s gay friends). He adheres to the unwritten rule book on diligent courtship and showers Gemma with time, attention, and gifts. He deposits P5 million at Gemma’s bank. He ups the charm offensive. After all, he knows what girls want – and he’s pulling all the stops to break Gemma and Mike. Lester even successfully insinuates his presence on Gemma’s fractious parents (Buboy Garovillo and Carla Martinez). Gemma relishes Lester’s seemingly boundless devotion. After all, which girl isn’t flattered by such generous display of affection? Mike isn’t pleased. Why is his girlfriend even entertaining a suitor? They are engaged. Or is she falling for him?

When Lester invites Gemma for the “back to back to back” show of her favorite performers, Aegis and April Boy Regino (a show that Mike dismisses rabidly), she accepts the invitation which Mike eventually learns. Jealous and infuriated, Mike vows to meet this mysterious guy; only to learn that it’s his ex-lover Lester. How can she tell Gemma about his past and warn her about Lester’s real intention? He could lose her for this. What to do?

Director Wenn V. Deramas uncharacteristically delivers an ouvre with substantial cinematic flesh. The narrative is focused, and seems to adhere to a written script, thus Vice Ganda’s improvisational proclivity is less exploited here than his previous starrers. This is good news. The end-product is an engaging story that could be an authentic human experience which can’t be said about “Praybeyt Benjamin” or “Petrang Kabayo”.      

Of course there are jokes that didn’t quite work: like when Vice suddenly referenced Madam Auring and Zenaida Seva, the punch line wallowed in decumbency. His impression of Gollum was similarly flat. His constant reference to Lassy’s “repugnant” features eventually gets overbearing – and churlishness is never funny. In fact, in time it seems analogous to the humor that bullies get whenever they intimidate others. But I am nitpicking.

The scenes where Vice mimics Vilma Santos’ scenes from “Darna and the Planet Women” are almost a stroke of genius. Reference to Darna in relation to character definition for homosexuals isn’t lost in us.

This is clearly Vice Ganda’s vehicle. He moves with effulgent rhythm and motivation, almost never missing a beat. His effortless comic delivery is unmatched, and he’s a joy to behold when he drips with sarcasm. Toni Gonzaga, on the other hand, is enthusiastic. Like most of her romcoms (where she reigns supreme), Toni is a magnetic presence. Her self-deprecating ability successfully figures in most of her scenes. She doesn’t mind looking silly, making her comic scenes funnier than they should be.

Meanwhile, Luis Manzano’s efforts are a hit-and-miss. It’s obvious though that Luis has developed a degree of comfort and camaraderie with Vice Ganda (they’ve worked together five times in the past). However, Luis sometimes dives into obsequious territory, making his punch lines more academic than visceral. This tendency deflects humor.

There’s much to relish in “This Guy’s In Love With You, Mare”. I like that Lester is surrounded by a bevy of supportive friends – though they could only be servile since they all work for him. But the message of friendship is strong. The film also cursorily underlines the existence and/or validity of a male-male relationship. Unfortunately, this is comedy and there are limitations of genre, thus getting into the nitty gritty of things goes beyond its nature. But it could be interesting. After all, Mike was a guy who took advantage of Lester’s bounties in exchange of sleeping with him. Who’s prey and who’s predator?

Sam Milby is a delightful presence. He cameos as the anonymous soul who saves a character in the story, one who nearly drowned.

“This Guy…” boasts of a compact narrative, brisk pacing, hilarious situations and inspired performances. It’s easy to see why people flock to see it. This is evident even on its first day of commercial release. This boundless energy is virulent. It electrifies all the way down my seat. So darn funny.

Moron 5 and the Crying Lady - Apropos Titling & Boy Abunda' s Skewed Thoughts

As children, Albert, Isaac, Aris, Michael Angelo and Mozart (Luis Manzano, Billy Crawford, Marvin Agustin, Martin Escudero and DJ Durano respectively) have breezed through grade school with copious difficulty for them to finish the whole term in 8, instead of 6 years. Acquiring the scholastic competence of 8 year olds, the quintet becomes close friends, growing together and bungling things in wild abandon. But instead of suffering from their stolidity, they instead wreck havoc on others: their teachers, classmates, principal, and an effete classmate who’s infatuated with Albert. In fact, this gay classmate almost got blind.

A decade later, our protagonists have grown up still hurdling their final year of high school. One day, they crashed the wedding ceremonies of Becky Pamintuan (John Lapus) and in one inadvertent sweep, they’ve outed the transsexual bride to her unassuming Japanese lover Hiroshi. The groom dies on the spot. Hence, derided Becky plots her condign retribution. Hell hath no fury like a gay man scorned! Becky then sets the quintet up for the murder of her father (a sloppily organized crime scene) that eventually threw the guys in prison. How will our quintet extricate themselves from this predicament? Will they ever find justice – when even their folks want them incarcerated? Has Becky succeeded with her implacable schemes?

In what could be one of mainstream cinema’s silliest slapstick romp, Wenn Deramas’ “Moron 5 and the Crying Lady” succeeds to bring Pinoy comedy to lower depths of cinematic mediocrity. The brains behind this cinematic faux pas ought to be reminded that idle anatomical parts have a tendency to atrophy. In this case, there is luminous proof of vacuity of cerebral functions. So I am genuinely concerned for the mental health of Wenn Deramas and his co-script writer Mel Martinez-del Rosario. Have their brains shrunk and dwindled to the size of peanuts?

The energy on display in “Moron 5” is one of fervid stamina, the lines are delivered with enough ebullience you sometimes lose yourself in the precise cadence of their comic camaraderie. In fact, talent bristles and overflows in its cast, but for DJ Durano who’s eternally ill at ease with his humor. Why he keeps getting roles in comedy is always a painful watch. But while energy isn’t lacking in “Moron 5”, it’s the narrative content that’s grossly spare and deficient. This is Wenn Deramas at his most uncircumspect. The funny bones have been left somewhere in Burkina Faso, and if you don’t know where that is, try Gaborone – the capital of Botswana, which finds its way in a life-saving quiz show at the tail end of the story.

The narrative is sprinkled with inane gags that are too silly or senseless to relate, but I shall try. Like a prison riot that started because Isaac (Crawford) feels it’s unjust to eat a pinakbet without an okra. He wants his okra bad and he wants it on his prison tray. After all, okra has been dismissed and rudely ignored in “Bahay Kubo”. While shopping for second hand items, the quintet turns to the branded items: LV for Lou Veloso; Armani Pacquiao; Zara Geronimo; Gap by Annabel (Rama) and Nadia (Montenegro). Laughing already?

In another scene, the quintet line up and distribute lines to: "Ang susunod na eksena ay may rating na SPG. Patnubay at gabay ng magulang ang kinakailangan." Since when was this dour MTRCB reminder funny? When Mike's (Escudero) father asks him: "Tumakas ka?" He replies with a horribly cheesy and effete "Whatever!" What was that?

Among the supporting players, it's Jon Santos who plays his part to the hilt. Jon Santos mischievously essays Luis' mom Vilma Santos impersonating the Batangas Governor with moxie: "Are you sure you are ok alright? I am glad you're alright ok, son!" While he was rallying for Luis during the final duel, Santos goes all out with his Vilmaisms: "Si Val, si Val na walang malay!" Then he shouts: "My son is not a pig!" When reminded that it wasn't his line, he composes himself and quips, "Ay, sa kumare ko pala yun!" then continues with "Ding, ang bato!" You can't help but laugh at Santos' irreverence! He also underlines the hit-and-miss character of the film's humor.

Luis Manzano has found his footing in Deramas’ comedy thus he appears comfortable and watchable despite the puerile scenes he’s had to endure. He enjoys easy chemistry with Billy Crawford who appears too hefty, his flabby, protruding abdomen juts out like a Helium-full pillow. And he’s going to make his European comeback looking this pudgy? You just wonder. Marvin Agustin, while expectedly competent, seems misplaced in the company of his younger co-stars. In fact, this line up is as discrepant where age is concerned, you wouldn’t believe they were all in the same class together – unless there was an alternate universe, of course. Martin Escudero coasts on his past triumphs, intermittently interchanging his Michael Angelo character with his Remington (in “Zombadings”). This doesn’t bode well for a young upstart because we start to wonder if his earlier thespic success was indeed a “fluke”.

Clockwise from top left: Luis Manzano, Billy Crawford, DJ Durano, Martin Escudero, Marvin Agustin


John Lapus: made it tolerable.

John Lapus works hard as the vindictive Becky Pamintuan. In fact, he made this experience a tad more tolerable, but not by much. As the transsexual Becky, his turn has thrown the issue of transsexuals entering the Miss Universe pageant to the fore. More than ever, his scenes make it palpably choleric. Is it really enough that she was born with the "emotions of a woman trapped in a man's body" to make him a genuine member of the fairer sex? Whether his sexual orientation is that of one, his original anatomical make up will never make him a woman.

SOUR MOMENT

And let me digress. When Boy Abunda took it upon himself to vigorously expound and lecture on sexual re-assignments, gender identifications and orientations (as though he’s the only enlightened one about these topics) in last Sunday’s “The Buzz”, we found it unethical to actually impose his crooked thoughts on his audience. Moreover, it was disrespectful to the Binibining Pilipinas winners to have to ask their opinion about this matter when they knew his (and LGBT’s) stand on the issue. You do not refute the host of a show or you risk his good grace. That's common sense.

So Mr. Abunda, while you offered a disclaimer that your thoughts are not an imposition, lecturing about sexual orientation and gender identification left a bitter taste in the mouth. It was rude and your points were a fallacious clutter of gibberish desperation.

“Women have become presidents, black people who used to be sold in plazas have become Presidents of countries, and the UP Student Council President is a transsexual,” he emphasized. Stacking dissimilar milestones in maudlin fashion doesn't make a wrong point right! He espouses on equality and gets an off tangent notion that transsexuals should be conveniently equal, thus similar, to women? Gender classifications and sexual orientations have acquired a new age criteria, and these have become acceptable. There are men, there are women and there are homosexuals.

ALLOWING WOMEN IN MR. UNIVERSE?

But to say that men who have had gender re-assignments by way of an invasive procedure essentially become 100% females – thus should be eligible for a contest like Miss Universe – is just plain ludicrous. There are contests for men. Should we allow women then in Mr. Universe contests for the sake of equality? There are contests for gays. What should stop women from entering them if gays were allowed in women-only pageants? Proper things in proper places.

PAGING ABS CBN

It is an affront to the real females who possess a different internal make up: women have uterus, a pair of Fallopian tubes and ovaries, a cervix and a real vagina. Mr. Abunda wants to fit an oblong in square pegs. He lectures on national TV that squares and triangles and oblongs should be equal when, clearly, there's a reason why shapes are different from each other. The nerve, really. While I welcome liberal ideologies, ridiculous, albeit absurd liberties such as his should be declared as such. He postures as if he’s the only cognitive being when clearly, his motives are skewed. Why does ABS CBN allow this abominable practice? It was annoying!

How abominable? Try watching Wenn Deramas’ “Moron 5 and the Crying Lady”. That is how!

Posturing as LGBT's intellectual voice - a LADLAD representative in the future? Boy Abunda is so smart he lectures on national TV about gender reassignments and sexual orientation. You see, he's the only enlightened one.


Canadian Jenna Talackova, a 23 year old transexual who had her gender reassignment surgery at the age of 19 - wants to be part of Miss Universe pageant.

Who's That Girl - Travesty of Assumptions & Unethical Product Peddling

When she was younger, Liz Pedrosa (Anne Curtis) was hopelessly – and desperately – in love with campus heart throb John Eduque (Luis Manzano). Inspite of this, Elizabeth remained a forgotten wallflower. A few years later, the same girl has blossomed into a confident and beautiful woman, gainfully employed and still carrying her romantic torch.

One day, she reads the obituary. A John Eduque is dead. Decked in all black, covered in veil, she troops to the funeral parlor, but while she marches to the coffin of the deceased, she couldn’t contain herself. She bawls embarrassingly so - and makes a spectacle of herself. When she finally reaches the coffin, she finds out that her assumptions were wrong. It was John Eduque, Sr. lying down the casket. But it was too late. The dead man’s family has assumed the worst. Is she a mistress of the departed? Liz does a Cinderella. But to the baffled crowd, who the heck was that girl?

Most the film runs on wrong assumption, and though this may bring the expected hilarity, gags running on protracted conjectures eventually lose steam, as in the case in this slapstick fodder. In fact, Eugene Domingo’s verge-of-lunacy demeanor eventually gets on your nerves. She goes over the top everytime she is (mis)handled by director Wenn Deramas who once again proves his undying devotion to the humorless DJ Durano who’s once again cast, rather laboriously, as a condo caretaker who’s infatuated with Anne Curtis.

Many of the gags seem to run on mere cinematic duress: Nonoy Zuniga singing “Never Ever Say Goodbye” at the wake is not funny, yet this was staged as though there would be a penultimate punchline. “Follow instructions,” shouts Eugene Domingo who plays the distraught widow, Donya Belinda. Funny, right? As punishment for the deceased’s supposed indiscretion (apparently another “wrong assumption”), his body was “cremated” at the lechonan (Ping Ping’s Lechon, the billboard reads) where, as a business promo, one cremated body gets one lechon free. Did you laugh?

Bobby Yan appears as a private investigator who follows Anne around. His name is “Bond” – and if that carries an iota of pleasure to anyone, I wish I got the joke too. Marvin Agustin does a cameo as a fishball vendor and so does Ai Ai de las Alas who closes the film like a cliffhanger.

As we’ve mentioned earlier, a lot of the gags fall flat: “Makinig ka na lang sa mga trip ko.” Response: “O sige, happy trip!” Huh?

When Donya Belinda learns that all her assumptions have been tricks of the mind, she nonetheless proceeds with her vengeful plans: to discredit and dispossess Liz. Suddenly, markets are shut on them; Liz gets kicked out from her condo and fired from her job. Heck, even her little sister Betty couldn’t buy from the fish ball vendor. At this point, we were at the brink of being overly irritated. The narrative has gone out of whack; we were close to stepping out of the cinema, but the thought of our P170 made us stay. So we soldiered on.

The film banks on the manic energy of its zany cast, and a huge part of them was lead to believe that eternally irascible characters are fun to watch. Candy Pangilinan, check! Eugene Domingo, check! Pangilinan’s choleric demeanor particularly annoys the heck out of me. She always throws her line like a constipated oaf (check out KC Conception’s “For The First Time” – Pangilinan might as well be transplanted straight from that film!).

Luis Manzano has confidently found his comedic stride, and he succeeds to rise above slapstick clutter and the latter mawkish exposition. We have always liked Anne Curtis, and for the most part, she carries her character with ample verve. If only she didn’t fall into peddling consumer products as though she couldn't feed herself if Viva wouldn't allow her to endorse on screen: GSM Blue, Magnolia Life Drink, MyPhone. Did I miss Greenwich? This practice is unethical because they are encroaching on the right of the paying consumer who shells out hard earned money to watch a movie, and not "commercials". A movie should never be used to actively endorse commercial products because the audience pays to watch a film! Sponsors could be acknowledged at the end credits; NOT deliberately straddle on the narrative, which is very distracting - and quite insulting! But I guess Viva Films never learns from their “Hating Kapatid” debacle – a major flop, considering it was a team up of two well loved stars – Judy Anne Santos and Sarah Geronimo!

WHO LIKES COMMERCIALS WHEN YOU'RE PAYING P170-200?

I'm asking any sane paying movie goer: Do you like commercials within the narrative of a movie you're watching? If you're not an idiot, then it's a no-brainer really. Would you appreciate it if in the middle of your watching "Superman", the Man of Steel suddenly pulls out a can of Coca Cola from his cape and chugs it down with gusto? Or Audrey Hepburn suddenly thrusting Modess while backriding with Gregory Peck in "Roman Holiday"? Or Edward and Bella hoisting GSM Blue while cuddling together in the next sequel of "Twilight"? Or Spiderman munching a slice of Greenwich Pizza while web-slinging? These are big no-no's. These enterprising producers arrogantly abuse the Pinoy moviegoers with such blatant practice.

GREED AND CONSUMERISM

When it comes to money making schemes, Viva Films treads the thin line between consumerism and greed. They did this when Sharon Cuneta was their queen (which went on when she made Unitel's "Crying Ladies"?) They have lived off product placements and overstepped their boundaries with colossal excesses. Do you wonder at all why most of their flagship projects don't make as much as they should? It’s because they cannot regulate avarice. And karma has a way of catching up with unmoderated vice. What is it in Tagalog, “gahaman”?

Viva Films’ extent of greed is directly proportional to the mediocrity of their films.

Curtis: Unethical and shameless peddling of consumer products encroach on the paying consumer's right to watch a movie free of commercials! To have to watch and pay P170, and be blatantly bathed with commercials is just misplaced consumerism and unmoderated greed! Especially when the film itself is a moron's masterpiece!

Playing With Horses - Vice Ganda Lights Up "Petrang Kabayo"

Vice Ganda has transcended barriers that were never crossed before. You see, the Philippine society, more specifically its male population is still, on the whole, homophobic. Sure, they'd laugh at gay impersonators and gay comedians, but they will never admit appreciation nor hold a high opinion of them. Once these performers turn their backs, they are discussed with a degree of derision, an amount of ridicule, and are reduced to side shows. Vice Ganda has changed that.

My ex-bf represents a good cross section of this happy-go-lucky, subconsciously homophobic Pinoy male population. He would sit back, wide eyed, intent on catching Vice Ganda's brisk puns on television; and I've never heard him refer to Vice as "yung bading" the way he does my friend Kyle (who dresses like a man, and acts like a man, unlike Vice who cross-dresses!)

Does this charm translate well in Vice Ganda's first starring role - Wenn Deramas' "Petrang Kabayo"?

Yes and no!

Capsule

Peter (Vice Ganda/Makisig Morales) grew up with an abusive family. While trying to escape from his father (John Arcilla), he strikes gold when a rich spinster (Eugene Domingo) finds and adopts him. But instead of growing up generous and charitable, Peter is bitter, mean and acid-tongued. When his "mother" passed away, he acquires her riches, wrecking havoc on the people who work for him. But this is obviously a modern fairy tale where a fairy godmother turns out to be another cross-dressing, manga-inspired judge-and-jury.

Whenever Peter strays from the path of "righteousness", Peter transforms into a horse. And the only thing that can break the spell is the kiss of a gentleman who has professed his love for the horse! Are you happy with this magical parable so far?

The movie is littered with slapstick scenes that typify a Wenn Deramas movie - brisk-paced, superficial scenarios that don't quite leave an imprint way after you've left the theater. Without Vice Ganda, the movie would have fallen flat as a pancake. Despite that, Ganda's delivery is as "crunchy" as a well-fried bacon. Unfortunately, his wit is dependent on his spontaneous comebacks, something that is compromised on a dry-and-dead script. There are glaring inconsistencies: In some scenes, the horse would transform back to the human Peter buck naked; in other scenes, he is transformed back fully clothed. Someone needs to brush up on his narrative consistency.

Luis Manzano is turning out to be a very able comic actor. To be honest about it, I am never fond of Luis. His TV persona feels too "manicured" and even his delivery sounds too perturbingly "kolehiyala". But there's been a slew of movies where Luis transforms himself into a luminously affable cinematic actor. On the big screen, Luis becomes self-deprecating. His seemingly bland TV personality magically turns into a charming leading man. He's never looked so guapo. This is evident in movies like "Hating Kapatid" where Manzano's comic timing was impeccable.

Tom Rodriguez is such a dashing presence, I honestly wouldn't mind just staring at him for 1 1/2 hours! Unfortunately, his role is basically disposable, but he doesn't fail to leave an impression. Now "that" is a "movie star"!

I do have laugh-out-loud moments: When Peter decides to adopt his younger sister Pauline (Abby Bautista), the latter takes on the mean-spirited Peter mano-a-mano with her "Dahil maganda ako!" - a feat delivered with such dedication and convivial hilarity!

The film boasts of several cameos: Anne Curtis (who rides Luis' calesa); John Lapus, Gladys Reyes, Melason's Jason Francisco (as a cute waiter); and even a protracted cameo by Eugene Domingo as Peter's adoptive mother Donya Biday.

There are surprisingly impressive CG effects here, as well as occasionally great cinematography (though inconsistent). Sam Pinto is as bland as she is on TV. She delivers with the intuitive sincerity of a shoe brush. This is not a great news since Ms. Pinto is truly one of the most beautiful faces we've seen on Philippine TV.

With Vice Ganda's quick wit and smart alecky demeanor, the movie intermittently soars into moments of inspiration. But they are rather fleeting. Other times, it left me yawning with unequivocal ennui.

Vice Ganda

Luis Manzano sheds off bland TV persona.

Tom Rodriguez, aka Tom Mott, and friends - clowning around and looking even so much cuter!

It's illegal to be this handsome, Tom!

Now why would Tom photograph himself shirtless? And where's the rest of this set? Wink! Wink!